Let Him Do His Bits

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, Okay, let's get started. Hi, Tara. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hello. Hi. Hi, Conan. Hi, Sona. Hi, Matt. Hi. Hi, Tara. Is it Tara or Tara? Yes. Well, you can do it either way, but I say Tara. Tara. Well, I want to get this right. Hello, Tara. It's very nice to see you. And where are you in the world right now? I am calling from just outside of Bangkok right now, Thailand. Oh, you're in Bangkok, Thailand. Wow, this is incredible. Well, first of all, tell us a little bit about yourself. Describe who is this Tara from just outside Bangkok, Thailand?

0:51I am a part time university lecturer. So I'm teaching at the school I went to for my BA. And I'm also a freelance translator. So I take on odd jobs whenever I can get them as well. Very good. And what's the subject that you teach? I teach two subjects. So English and translation. OK, very good. And you lecture. I do. I'm in charge of like one group of, say, 25 students for the whole term. So, yeah, they're they're with me for the whole term and I lecture them, give them exercises, mark their papers, so on and so forth. Here's what I've always thought in the years that I was being instructed. I always thought someone either is good at that or they're not being able to stand up in front of people and give a lecture.

1:47Have you found that you have that ability and that you like it? You enjoy it? I do enjoy it. Do I have the ability? That's up for debate, maybe. Well, I think you do. I'm going to say I think you do. I think you're I have great confidence in you already. And I'm sure that you do. And what's it like? What do you have to what's the earliest you have to start with your students? Because I used to notice the hardest thing was going to a lecture early in the morning. That's the hardest thing. Oh, gosh. My earliest class starts at 8 a.m. on a Monday. Oh, no one goes to that class. I bet no one shows up.

2:26everybody shows up but nobody wants to be there including me that's the way to win them over tara yes um so what do you do how do you get them going at eight o 'clock in the morning um well this term because i'm teaching translation there's not really much that you can do you just sort of have to power through it but you know last term when i was English, I would try to like maybe get them a bit hyped up with small games or exercises at the beginning. But everybody knows that it's just something you have to accept, sort of. Have you ever tried magic, magic tricks? I just think if you could learn a few magic tricks, and if they were the kind that used some, you know, those little explosive powdery things that go kapoom, kapoom.

3:17You know, that might get people going. Maybe, maybe. And I'll go in and be like the prestige or something. Yes, exactly. I'm telling you, if you go in with a little showmanship, now you've stepped into my area of expertise. You need to put on a show for a crowd. You need to amp up the energy. You need to bring in props if necessary. You need to use. Yes. Oh, Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Like what kind of props? Well, first of all, to have a live tiger there on a leash is not a bad idea. And second of all, you've got to wear dramatic clothing. Elvis Presley, when he went from doing movies to Vegas in the late 60s, went for a rhinestone studded jumpsuit.

4:03That can help, too. Things that grab the attention. What do you think, Tara? I think I'd better check with the university regarding, you know, live animals on campus. But, you know, I am definitely noting all of this down. All right. I'm going to give you what there's a famous expression here in the United States. Better to ask forgiveness than to ask for permission. So just go ahead and do it. And then if something goes wrong and somebody gets mauled while they're trying to learn about English literature translation, you say, oh, I'm so sorry. I won't do it again I won't do it again and then make sure that Tiger's there too with you nodding going sorry I mean what's the worst I can do fire me no actually you could probably go to jail I didn't think about that I just well I just did it just occurred to me right now that if you do any of what I'm saying you could be jailed so how did you become acquainted with our world and our podcast is it are you a listener of the podcast or Or do you check this out?

5:07Okay. Tell us about that. I, well, I guess I started by watching your videos on YouTube back when I was maybe in high school. I don't remember how I came across the first Conan video I ever saw, but yeah. Right. They're so, I mean, they're so ubiquitous and so a part of everyone's life. Oh, I know. It's kind of like saying what's the first, no, it's like saying when was the first time you caught a ball. Or caught the common cold. Thank you. Well, okay. You son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like best life pre-Conan and post-Conan, but I don't remember the shift. Yes. Who remembers their first bout of diarrhea?

5:47No one. But you move on in life. So... You nailed it. You got there. With your help, old friend. You will. So Tara, so tell us, you started watching the videos and then you started listening to the podcast? Yeah, so I think your podcast started coming out just when I was maybe about to do my master's degree. So, yeah, they came at a great time because I was in another country alone, struggling with sort of loneliness a little bit. And they really kept me company, got me through my MA. And, you know, you've been like my Spotify top listen for the past every single year since since you've put the podcast out.

6:39That's nice. Thank you very much. That's that's really sweet. We're all very honored that you listen to our foolishness. And I understand that we've been some help to you in your romantic life. Is that true? Oh, yeah. Yes, that's right. I somehow bonded with my boyfriend over your show as well. And yeah, we'd like watch clips or send clips to each other and then just sort of discuss how Conan is like PP comedy. Oh, that's incredible. Hey, I like this guy a lot. What's this guy's name? His name is Graf. So so in Thailand, people have nicknames that don't really have anything to do with their personality.

7:25You might know that. But yeah, so his nickname is just Graf and that's the nickname he was given at birth. So, you know, it's not like he's a mathematical wizard or anything. But he could have been named anything. People's nicknames are often just inanimate objects. yeah or just random words yeah what's your nickname um i'm one of the weird thai people who don't have a nickname oh okay we should give her one yeah yeah yeah podcast yeah uh podcast or vcr remote uh no i think podcast yeah well just because it seems like it's it's got some meaning behind it yeah okay i was just going for totally random um but uh you know who knows we'll find you a good nickname, but for now you're podcast.

8:17Okay. I'll accept that. Yeah. Well, you really have no choice. We, I mean, this is what we do. That's right. He's telling the truth podcast. Yeah. You just have to understand podcast that when you and Graf met, it was foreordained. That's right. I'm curious, you, so what happened? Did you, were you in a cafe and you heard this handsome gentleman across the cafe chuckling. And you said, excuse me, sir, what is you chuckling at? And he said, oh, that rascally Conan. And then you said, why, I enjoy Conan as well. And then hearts came out of your heads. Is that what I - It's Conan's version of fan fiction.

9:01Is this what happened? His own erotic fiction. Oh my God. I'm getting all out and bothered right now. Fan fan fiction. Yeah. So what, is that what happened? um yes that's exactly what happened um no tell us what exactly no um no we we were we we knew each other since um i'm gonna say like 11 12 we were we were school friends and um we'd always sort of been close ish but then um yeah we started you know sort of talking um towards the end of like high school and um and i don't i don't know how you came up i think i think maybe he even sent me the first video and sort of got me on to you or something and oh yeah the rest is just sort of history really um that's nice uh how long have you two been together now um it's going to be 10 years next month wow a while yeah it's been a while are you getting pressure from your family are they saying what's happening here yeah my mom just keeps saying you know I want a grandchild I want a grandchild all the time so uh that's fun but um every time um every time anybody we know says you know oh when when are you gonna get married when are you gonna have kids blah blah and we'll be like if you just give us the money to like have a wedding and the money to like raise a child for until they go off to college then yeah just do that and we'll well conan you have a lot of money right away you should just pay for it well i did first of all i'd love to and i i did have a lot of money some bad investments were made uh and i apologize i I thought Necco wafers were coming back.

11:01Oh, man. Yeah. And I went all in. I thought there'd be a huge resurgence during COVID of a very untasty wafer. Good chalk, though. Good sidewalk chalk. From the 1902. And so I went all in, built a factory.

11:23I would like, of course, I would love if you two wanted to be together, you know, and become married someday. I feel like I should be there because I was, let's be fair, I was one of the reasons that you two came together. Honestly, yeah. Would you officiate for us? Yes, I would. Yeah, I've done it before. I've married people before. I'm registered online as a minister with the Church of the Holy Get Groovy. And I think it expired. I think all I have to do is press control alt three and I'm re-entered again. That's that easy. I don't know. Can you do it in Thailand? I think I haven't looked into the laws in Thailand, but I'm a hundred percent certain I can.

12:09I mean, this is binding, right? We have audio and video proof. So yeah. Yeah. Oh, I guess you're a legal scholar as well. No, but listen, I think, I think there are many ways I could help you. I think I could help you with your 8 a.m. lecture. I think those kids would pay attention if maybe I instructed the class and you could just watch me do it. I think that you would see how it should be done. No offense, but I think you'd see a whole new way to approach your students. What do you think of that? Oh, I believe it. Yeah. Yes. Then I think I could take you and Graff out to a nice restaurant maybe or a club.

12:54and we could relive the time that you first bonded. I could read ad copy from a podcast live while you two rekindled what brought you together in the first place. And then I could talk to your mother and say, you know, I know you want a grandchild. I have two children. I don't see them a lot. We don't get along so she could have, you know, one of them. I get to my son. Yeah. He's very tall. He's about 17, but I'd loan him out for a year. I was at a very reasonable rate. If you did the class instruction, let's say it's an hour class, would you do like 55 minutes of performance and then it would be five minutes of actual instruction?

13:37Do you want these kids paying attention or not? You want them paying attention. What they learn, no one really goes to university to learn. They learn how to learn. and that's what I could provide. I could provide an incredible experience at 8 a.m. that would blow their minds and I think change the way they think about English literature and the English language and translation. So I think this would be a game changer for these young people and they would never forget it. And then you could use some of my methods. what do you think there was so much silence there there was so much nothing for a while I think I would love to see it you don't sound you're thrilled yourself podcast maybe you Graf and your friends bottle and bottle and electric toothbrush should get together and talk this over but I'm convinced that I could be a great, great force in your life.

14:49Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you'll help me sort my life out. And I mean, whenever I don't need to do that myself, that's always a plus, isn't it? You know, it's funny, you bonded with possibly, potentially your future husband over my work. My wife and I, true story, my wife, Liza, who I've been married to for 21 years, we bonded over our distaste for my work.

15:20Oh no. Yeah. And to this day, it's kept us together. She just doesn't get it. And to be honest with you, neither do I. Keeps things fresh, doesn't it? Yeah, it really does. It really spices up the marriage when you're totally not respected. Tara, you seem like a very nice person. and I'm very impressed with you. I think she's a very impressive person. She is. I mean, I can't believe you teach people. I know. I can't believe it either. It's just a lot. That's a lot of pressure. I could never do that. I think I'd be like Conan. I just want them to like me so much. Like I would be just doing whatever I could do to make people like me.

16:03I don't see you showing up at an 8 o 'clock AM class to teach it. Let alone - Yeah. That's actually true. I wouldn't do that one. You would. She'd send David. Yeah, you'd send my other assistant, David, to go do it. And in between shots of the kids barely struggling through the 8 a.m. class would be shots of you passed out hardcore. Yeah, yeah. I'd go to the parties with the students, but I don't think you're allowed to do that anyway. Sorry. Do you ever party with your students? No, because they're still technically underaged. I don't think I should. Because I need alcohol. Tara, I didn't mean you.

16:41Oh, the alcohol aspect, okay. Oh, no, no, oh no, no, what were you thinking? I mean, well, it sounded creepy when you first said it, but trust me, some of those kids are drinking. Speaking of alcohol, I have in my notes that you really like to drink wine and scotch, is that right? Yes, yes I do. Together? Why don't we just rephrase that. What is it, what is your drink of choice, Tara? Most of the time it's wine. And what about spirits? If you're going to have spirits, what kind do you have? I do like scotch a lot. But the bad thing is that I quite like expensive scotch. But as you can probably imagine, teachers don't get paid very well.

17:26I mean, all over the world, but also especially in Thailand. And so whenever I'm having like a really nice glass of scotch and I think about how many hours I have to teach to be able to afford that scotch, it sort of takes the enjoyment out of it. I'm sending you some good scotch. Yeah, what do you like? What do you drink? What do you like? What's a good scotch that you would like to drink? I am sending you some good scotch. I mean, think big here. He's gonna send me something free. Again, this is all binding. No, no, I didn't say it was free. She has to, I'm billing her. No. Plus for shipping.

18:00Plus for shipping and handling and my labor. I'm going to keep an eye on my gas tank when I, no, no, no, of course, Sarah. I want to send you some good scotch. What do you like? I really like scotch from the Isle of Islay. So those really - Oh, like a Laphroaig? Yeah, Laphroaig or Aardbeg, those really peaty, smoky ones. Okay, all right. You're going to help me with this because Gorley knows his scotches. Well, I've had more come out of me than in me. What the fuck? What the hell was that? Throwing up a lot of scotch. Oh. Well, that's pleasant. I'm sorry. I should have told you that Gorley's a terrible alcoholic.

18:45I'm sorry. Just those Petey scotches have really floored me like no other alcohol before. I'm getting you some scotch and our people are going to tell me, they're going to find out where I can send it and I'll get it to you. Oh, wow. So you're getting me scotch, you're officiating my wedding. Possibly. You're talking to my mom about loaning your son out. And that's all at the price of him teaching your class. Yeah. Yeah. You have to give me that eight o 'clock AM class. Oh, gladly. I'm going to need a little bit of time to talk to your local zoo and to get some pyrotechnics. So this is a tall order, but I'm going to turn it all around, Tara.

19:31Sounds good. Well, it was lovely talking to you. You're really an accomplished, intelligent person and I wish nothing but good things for you. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, I can tell that didn't mean much to you. Oh, no, no, no. no no I'm sorry it means the world yes yes I'm so needy none of this means anything till she gets her scotch and I'll post on Instagram and be like thank you so much my my savior yes that's what I like I have a savior complex my best to graph uh and um I hope our paths cross soon that would be fun. I hope so. I mean, if you ever come to Thailand and need, like, an interpreter, or maybe not, but, you know, if you ever come to Thailand, just hit me up.

20:25We'll hang out. I'll sneak you into class, and you can do your bits, you know. My bits. It's so charitable. You know what's so sad? I'll let you do your bits. You realize, Tara, that's what they're going to be telling me in the nursing home. Oh, Conan! Yeah. Oh, Conan! finish your porridge and then you can we'll let you come out for the rest don't you know that this podcast came about because of a secret meeting where like we need to find a place where Conan can do his bits we need to let him do his bits in a room oh Tara you've exposed the whole sad sham all right well thank you that's very nice of you that's very nice of you and I wish you all the best all right you take care have a great day Tara bye podcast thank you thank you for this opportunity oh sorry podcast oh yeah bye podcast Buy microphone, buy headphones, buy sweater, buy.

21:19Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovcesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

22:04This has been a Team Coco production in association with Stitcher. Thank you.