Lizzy Caplan Returns

26:23I see it. I'm staying with some friends now. I've known their daughter her whole life. She's amazing. She's 13. She goes to a private school in Los Angeles. And it's like, it is a fight to not give this girl a phone and access. That's a big question is when they get the phone. It was a big question for us. Yeah, because your kids are the age, Like this is like the beta testing generation on this stuff. And now we see like, oh, it's bad. But as a parent, like I get why it's difficult. I get why you don't want to be the one being like, hey, you're you're going to be the one kid who doesn't have this and that's going to make you weird and an outsider.

26:56And but it's so bad. It's so bad. There's and then there are questions the other way, which is it can be a safety thing at a certain age that they have a phone, they can call you. And so it's a big debate. We wrestled with it a lot about what you do. We had the phones implanted in utero. Oh, boy. So when my daughter was born, she came out with 700 likes. Wow. That's really good, though. Strong presence. No, I remember us getting in. We did pretty well. Liza would know the exact age because I was probably looking in a mirror and thinking about my career when this decision was finally made. Your social media, the mirror.

27:35My social media is the mirror. Look at that jawline. If only those eyes were a little bigger. And they popped on screen. Conan, I need help with the children. Quiet! That eye vein has held me back. Trolling yourself. Yeah, exactly. You're your biggest troll. You suck. It doesn't add up to me that you would feel you needed to do anything like that. Oh, I need to increase my social media presence or I have to do this or do that because you're so talented. And well, no, I'm saying I'm serious. You're so, you have - But really. No, I'm serious. who have such, I don't see how, do you guys see what I'm saying?

28:13I don't see how anything you're doing is enhanced by, and this is how I make a Cobb salad. I don't think. I fundamentally agree with that. And I guess that's kind of like the main takeaway is people aren't paying attention to you that much. So anybody, people are paying attention to you all the time, Connor. No, no, I am, you know, I looked into it. I am the exception to that rule. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you are. When people say no one's thinking about you. Except you. That's because they're thinking I'm going to tell them. But no, no, I. Yeah, they're not. And so like they think, you know, I look at some of my friends who are myself and I think like, oh, I should be.

28:47I wish I did this job or did like two more jobs during this period of time. And the reality is like people assume you're working. They assume you're busy. Nobody needs to know about like those fallow periods. And the reason why people are even thinking about it is because you feel the need to just like chime in with your opinions every single day or like what set you're on every day. I just don't. Yeah. It's a real disconnect for me. Like, why do we all have to like log our fucking opinions about everything all the time? Like it's our job. And you see, you know, like on message boards or whatever.

29:21Sometimes I'll look at the at the Daily Mail. Oh, God, the Daily Mail is so bleak. And the comments like it doesn't even matter. You know exactly what people are going to say. Like they're going to judge this person on her appearance or her decision or something. like she did 10 years ago. And it's like these people think that it's now part of, it's their job now to sit down and like, do their part of this equation, which is like, log in their opinion about what a piece of shit this person is. And I just think like, who are these people? I know we always think like, okay, they're in their mother's basements or whatever, but they're probably not.

29:54They're probably like living out in the world. And yet they take time out of every day to like, sit down and let you know how they feel about Britney Spears' dancing. Like who, what? Why are you weighing in on this? And I mean, I actually I realize I'm sort of like talking in circles right now. I feel like I have fairly insightful things to say about this. Not today. But I do. I do think like, how can you not connect these dots that like the lack of community, like people's quality of life just being shittier? Everybody's isolated. People are fully OK living in this kind of like alternate reality where it's your opinions and the more fiery your opinions are, the more people pay attention.

30:36Yeah, more clicks. And but like it's just create. Look at where we are. The world is like, look at where we are. It's Trump. What the fuck? Like, does Trump exist without any of this stuff? Like, I don't I don't think so. And beyond that, we're just people are sad. Kids are sad. Everybody feels isolated. And there's no I think we're in a weird position, too, because, yes, it is fully incorporated into our lives. We're we're young enough that like we had phones from a young enough age that it's like woven into the fabric of our beings, but we had childhoods that weren't. And now they don't have that.

31:11I don't know what that looks like in the future, other than more like really lazy Gen Z people who don't know what a good, a hard day's work looks like, which I find myself saying all the time. You just sprouted a bonnet. I know. I am like so Tom, my husband really makes fun of me a lot because I am like a dinosaur about this and look i get left behind in this scenario like i don't think the internet's going to stop because it's making us sad well i always go back to you just have to you know i don't know if i'm quoting jersey shore here but you do you is that i'm sorry no that's uh werner herzog as well this is different you do who you do you in the chaos of the eternal void gym 10 laundry Yeah, it's just like...

31:57GCL is the Werner Herzog voice. Werner Herzog was in one season. He was in one season of Jersey Shore where he told them all that they were in a void. But Lizzie, I always go back to who are my people? It's like my wife, my kids, for you, it's Tom, it's Alfie, and who are my friends? And then what is my work that I do? I just always keep pulling myself back to that and saying, and then try to have empathy, which is working a muscle. You can't just say I have empathy. You just have to keep going at it. But that's hard to do. Like for your job, that's really hard to do. I mean, talk show hosts are usually very mean and you're very nice.

32:43See, that's how I place you. He's the nicest person. Guys, guys. Neither of you has the talking stick. He's like Dolly Parton. We have microphones. Yeah, you put microphones in front of our faces. We've got to do this talking stick thing here. I intuitively fight against the bleakness, which gets harder and harder and harder with all the issues that come up. But if I didn't have kids, I would retreat into, well, my life went pretty well. And, you know, the earth does seem to be getting warmer, but I'll be gone before that's too much of a problem. I would have the capacity maybe to think that way.

33:22I would hope that I wouldn't, but I would have the capacity to. But when you have kids, as you know, you're invested in, oh, okay. The future. We need to figure out how to fix this. I know. I know. They're like the greatest balm of all time. And also. But also right now, going through what you're going through with the loss of your dad, I found, and I know that Sona's been through so much lately, lost her home in the end. And but I remember talking to you right after you lost your house in the fire and you were saying, like, I've got these Mikey and Charlie and they need me present. They were kind of saving your ass.

34:00Yeah, definitely. You can't say to them, mom is going to just be depressed and weirded out for two years. I'll see you then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not going to be like I'm in a bed just crying all day. Yeah. So, you know, and then they they're ready to continue on. And so you're ready to continue on. Absolutely. Like the best medicine. medicine it really is and it like gets you out of it totally they're like little prozacs yeah sweet sweet prozacs but yeah they it does it it it's amazing even if you're in a bad mood like a normal bad mood and you go in and see your kids like unless you want to have them you know when they're talking to their therapist or writing their memoir later yeah mother was sad all the time she took she took it all out on me she would kick the dishwasher and then ignore me for two day like we're not gonna do that no like not those people my my best friend lives in alice dina i'm so sorry you lost that's like unbelievable and watching her she has a six-year-old and their house did not burn down uh but they're totally displaced and they have to live in the back house of a friend from schools how and like it's actually turning out to be kind of a great situation for now but what if she didn't have this little girl to like get to school and not be a husk of a human like I don't I don't know yeah I realize now because I I mean I had my kid kind of late like how much time you just spend like wallowing your own shit and then you don't get to do that anymore and it like rips you out of it it's a it's a wonderful thing is this the funniest um episode of this podcast.

35:38Am I wrong that I love this episode? Yeah, me too. Eduardo is the line, you're the line judge on these things, but. This is right up my alley. Yeah, no, because like this is, you know, excuse us for having a conversation. Shuckles over here. I know. This is the life of the party these days. No, no, but what I'm, this is, I don't know, it's making me feel a lot better. Yeah, it is kind of therapeutic. It's really therapeutic. I think everything feels very heavy right now. Even if you're not going through something, things just feel really heavy. It's okay to talk about it. Agreed. I think you have to.

36:15And it is like absorbing the, because I'm from LA. I just moved. We sold our house in December and gave the keys to the new owners on January 24th. So like right after the fires. And we were supposed to come back and pack up the house that we've lived in for 11 years and say goodbye to the house and have all these people over. Where are you moving to? New York, baby. Okay, all right, all right. Yeah, that just happened. And like take Alfie to Disneyland and do all this shit and we couldn't come back because of the fires. And being in New York and watching it, I have, this is my hometown, but I've like talked so much shit about LA and what it means and how it's changed and how it's gotten worse.

37:00and you're sensing a theme in my overall personality. Do you have more Prozac? Yeah, right? I got to up it to 20 milligrams. Also, Prozac is new and we'll recommend, really. We can do an ad for them. I would, I mean, I'm like obviously loud and proud about it. Maybe I'll regret this part of it. No, no. But yeah, so watching it from afar was really strange. And seeing like my hometown go through this, I felt like this groundswell of love for LA, which hasn't gone away. I think this city is amazing. I think Altadena specifically is amazing, like what they're doing. And that was like the LA. I didn't grow up in Altadena, but I grew up like in the Miracle Mile.

37:45And it was much more that vibe than let's say the Palisades vibe, which is its own unimaginable, like I don't even know, tragedy. But there's something about like the Angelenos who are from here, who aren't in the business, who just like have regular jobs, regular families. And like you're just doing it in L.A. Like that was my upbringing. And I have so much love for this city. And it was really horrible to be away because all of us like in New York who are from L.A. kind of huddled together because you'd go into, you know, when it was like actively happening or just kind of starting. I went to get my hair cut like, how you doing?

38:21Well, not great. Like L.A.'s on fire. He's like, oh, yeah. You know, when you're not from L.A., you don't live there. It's just like L.A. has fires. It's just like another thing that's happening somewhere else. And when it's your home, it's it's crazy. And so like my dad obviously passing away was brutal. And then I've stuck around for these couple of weeks and feeling the sadness of L.A. has been really intense. But also everybody in New York's like it reminds us of 9-11. Like people are really coming together and building each other up. And like the community, that was the main kind of complaint I had about LA.

38:56Like there's no community and there so is. And I feel like an asshole for saying that. I lived in New York during 9-11 and one of my clearest memories is going out to dinner and the waitress would come over, the wait person would come over and say, you know, would you guys like to start off with some drinks or, you know, And we'd say, well, how are you? And then the person would end up sitting down at the table and we would all chat. And I remember thinking, this is this weird Eden that we're all living in, where all the old societal norms have gone out the window and people are really talking to each other.

39:34And if the bartender, you ask the bartender, you ask whoever's, you ask the person in the store, how are you? Where do you live? How are you doing? And that happened in New York City. And then I remembered it going away. like it's like that's humanity just has this way of if you hit a human being over the head with a big stick he behaves himself for like six hours and then goes back to being whatever he was before and i know that this too shall pass but it is you do it's lovely while it's happening and i'm noticing i just keep having these great conversations with um i think i mentioned this but there was had to go to sundance for something and i there was a woman who was driving me to the event in Utah from Salt Lake to Sundance and started chatting with her.

40:26And it turned out she lived in L.A. And I said, well, how's your place? She said, well, my place burned to the ground. And she's driving me. And we just had this intense conversation. And I thought, well, this is kind of what it's supposed to be all the time, which is how are you? What's going on in your life? Not to drive me, driver. Where are the Tic Tacs? Which is what I reverted to by the end to the drive. Oh, you got back there. Enough of your whining. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, your house. Where am I Tic Tac? Yeah, he's a spearmint. I wanted the fruity kind. Sorry they burned in the fire, sir.

41:01That's no excuse. Oh my God. A burnt Tic Tac's the best one. Yeah, so it's just perspective and empathy and all that kind of stuff isn't something you attain. It is a practice and it goes away and we all find ourselves drifting away from it and then something happens and we get pulled back into it. Yeah, I wonder. I mean, have you felt, because I'm nervous about that, just like how everybody was like showing up and flooding the GoFundMes or whatever. And like you're saying, like everything, people move on to the next thing eventually. This is going to be a long recovery. Do you feel that it's still as intense?

41:41No. No. No, I don't. I mean, I even asked if I would still get a discount somewhere. And they're like, oh, we stopped doing that a week ago. That was really the sign. Because when it first happened, you would walk into a store and tell people that you had lost your home and they would give you this discount. It was like a 20 % discount. How long did that last? Was that three weeks? That was like a few weeks. And then I went into a store. I'm not going to say which one. But I was like, hey, I lost my home in the fire. Do you guys have a discount? And they're like, oh, we stopped doing that a week ago.

42:11If anything, there's a surcharge. Yeah, I know. I know. The sad thing is when it was a 99 cent store. I know. I want this scrunchie. Do you have a discount, ma 'am? I know. It's 50 cents. I think that there's still people. I mean, there's still the empathy there. It's still there. There's still some feeling of it, but it is waning a lot. It is very quick how quickly people kind of just move on. To be fair, I would often go to a McDonald's and tell them or a cheesecake factory. and tell them I had lost my home in a fire, even when I hadn't. But you did it. You're taking my discount. I know. And they would be like, that sounds terrible.

42:48And I'd say, so this McFlurry, what are we talking about here? Can I get 80 cents on the dollar? And sometimes I'd put a little ash on my cheek. I did. What? I'm just telling you the real me. I kept, always keep a little ash in your pocket. You can get a discount. It's not like I had ash ever on my face. Well, you fucked up. You're not still, Kate. You'd be having a discount McFlurry right now. She had a little ash in your pocket. Why didn't you work up your orphan angle instead of the fire one? There seems to be this consensus that I'm too old. Okay. Which I don't get, because I think I'm very well-preserved for a man my age.

43:30Ah, gee, I lost my parents. Do you have any soup? Sir, I saw you drive up in a Porsche. I'm cash poor I'm cash asset rich I have a lot of land in Montana In Vast Holdings But I can't access them Can I have some soup? All my money's tied up in a holdings It takes 24 hours To get the bank in Sweden To open up Alright What's your name? Billy You're changing your name? Billy does work better. It's a better name for me. What's the name you were thinking of naming your son but didn't? Mickey. That's a good one. Mickey. Yeah. Mickey the orphan. Mickey the 61-year-old orphan. It counts. Who's done quite well.

44:25It counts. It's so fucking dark. It really is. I'm sorry, but my parents would laugh at it. I can say that now because they're not here. They would laugh at that. Like them in the afterlife. No, we wouldn't. You asshole. We never liked you. I am going to get back on track here. Yeah, take it back. And I'm going to get back on track to one of the things that makes me very happy for you. Okay. Is that I think it is a wonderful era for people who have what it takes, have ability and have a work ethic. and you have all those things and you're getting to do consistently this really cool work. You have this project now, Zero Day.

45:10And I was looking at the cast. Yeah, it's crazy. This is on Netflix. And I'm like, you know, I've had so many people sit in the chair that you're in and people talk a lot about body dysmorphia and how people can think they look a certain way and they don't and they hate on themselves. And I consistently believe that there's something called career dysmorphia that hasn't been diagnosed yet. And I'd like to invent that and submit that to the New England Journal of Medicine. But I've had Al Pacino, Al Pacino sat in that chair and talked so much about the huge chunks of his career that didn't work out and how they didn't want him for The Godfather and how he couldn't get a job in movies in the late 80s and thought he was through and how he thinks all the bad reviews people told him about.

45:57And I kept wanting to cut him off and saying, you're Al Pacino. You're the face of film for at least the 70s. You do iconic work in every decade. And you have it too. It's just so funny to me that you would talk about, oh, you know, the fallow periods and maybe I could do more if I got the word out on my chia seed recipe. And you're in Zero Day on Netflix. Your co-stars are Robert De Niro, Angela Bassett, Connie Britton, jesse plemons and matthew modine yes dan stevens it's what it's gabby hoffman it's the craziest cast and it's the best work i see now is limited series is is our cinema and i i like limited series too i like watching them and doing them it just feels like a very long movie um i haven't seen zero day uh my dad died i don't know if we mentioned that so i haven't watched the screeners which is bad because I do want to watch it.

46:59That's interesting. I'm trying to picture you watch yourself. I hate it. Yeah, I would imagine you would. I don't always hate it, but I do want to watch this one because it's fairly dense and complex and I want to be able to like talk about it. It's topical, a little like eerily topical. It's, I hope people are in the mood to watch something that looks a lot like what's happening in reality, but it's kind of this like horror show version of it. Very smart people made this show. Very smart people were in this show. And I don't know, it's ensemble-y enough that I think I could watch it without hating the experience too much.

47:36But I think it's good. I mean, I had a great time doing it. It was surreal. You oftentimes, like, the don't meet your heroes thing rings very, very true. It didn't on this. That's nice. De Niro's, like, just a nice man. It was like a kind, generous man. I always think, so Leslie Linka Glatter, who directed all the episodes, and she did Homeland, and she's the president of the DGA. She's like a badass, incredible woman. She's done a bunch of movies. Like, she's wonderful. And she directed every episode. And her vibe on set, because she did one episode of Masters of Sex in the first season. And I wanted her to, like, be our all-the-time director, but she was doing Homeland, so she didn't.

48:23She maintains this on-set energy that I don't even, like, it's six months. It's six months to shoot this. Robert De Niro's never done a television show. I believe he didn't know what he was getting into in terms of, like, the time, like, how much time it takes and, like, the hours. And he was in everything. But the first day of shooting on that, the crew is always in a good mood for everything on the first day. The last day, six months later, everybody was in as good of a mood. The vibes were so good. It was just like a job that felt important, but at the same time, right size in terms like in your real life, like you'd go to work and you'd go home and these people didn't need to be like your best friends and you didn't need it.

49:06It was just like it felt very grown up, like adult, but also really fun. Right. I don't know. It was great. It was a great experience. And we honestly like during the strike, which was the last fun thing, just taking it back to like the doldrums again. We were supposed to start this June of last year, maybe. I don't know what year it is. Yeah. We were supposed to do like June to December. And that was the strike. And we ended up doing January to the next June. So it was a full year and everybody stayed on board. Everybody was just as excited. And we knew we got to. Which is rare because usually that's when people say, you know.

49:45Yeah. And I got this play I'm going to go do in the West End. It was. And even just having that moment of like, well, everybody else or so many other people were really stressed out about what they were going to do and work and all of this. Like knowing that Netflix is probably not going to shelve the Robert De Niro series. Like it just felt like we had a safety net at a time when there wasn't a lot of safety nets. And again, like if it's just the experience, which for me is truly the only part I like of this whole job. Like it was a great experience. And I think it's really good. And I think you should definitely watch it.

50:20America. So we can be. Which camera are you looking to? The American camera. Okay, there we go. Hey, America. Okay, that's China. Yeah. Yeah, let's just make it the number one show on Netflix till the next thing comes out on Netflix, America. The last observation that I will make is, and I'm certain I'm right about this, as dire as things are right now, and this is my need to be optimistic, but I also think this is accurate. Let's say you could go back in time to what you would consider like the classic period of making entertainment. And it's like the 1930s, the 1940s. They would have watched you in Mean Girls and they would have said, she's great.

51:00She's really funny. That's what she does. And that's what you would have done for the next 50 years of your career. And because we live in this different era, there's nothing you can't do in this era. Whereas they would have definitely put you in a slot. Yeah. And you would have been punished for being really good at one thing and they never would have seen the other thing. Yeah. So even if that means there's iPhones and other problems. Do you love Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos so much? Elon Musk. I just want to say they have been on their yachts many times. I bet you have. You're a big yacht guy. Big yacht guy.

51:41Yeah, big yacht energy. I know my yachts. You got big yacht energy. I have big yacht energy. That's the only big energy I have. I have big yacht energy. No, I love a big yacht. I like being invited. I like being at the beck and call of a billionaire. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then when they say, like, dance for us, I do a little something. That makes more sense. And then I get a Krugerrand, a gold coin, in case anyone doesn't know what that is. I also think that even, like, not in the 30s, like, in recent times, they would typecast you and pigeonhole you. And now it's, like, only, it's very new to not have that happen, like, in the past 20 years, maybe.

52:19Right. People think, oh, you can do more than one thing. Right. But a lot of people do find themselves like stuck in a lane and it sucks. I'm stuck doing one thing because that's what I can do. That's not true, Conan. That's not true. I heard. But I'm saying happily. I'm happily stuck in my lane. You're not stuck in a lane though because I just read that you were incredible in your Sundance movie. Okay. As a male gigolo. This orphan thing is working for you. Yeah. That's how I got the part. Yeah. I'm an orphan. Yeah, I'm an orphan. I got the part. Why am I getting smaller and squeakier as an orphan?

52:53But Lizzie, this was a lovely conversation. This is so surreal. I feel like we're just starting it. No, but this was - There should have been more jokes. You have dysmorphia. There should have been laughter. Well, we're going to put laughter over all the parts. Oh, that's right. When you talk about losing your dad. When you talk about losing your dad and I talk about losing my parents, we're just going to pipe in laughter from the 1940s. That would be amazing. I love Lucy laughs. Yeah. Nothing has changed. It's only you've only today confirmed my feelings about you, Lizzie, which is you're one of my all time favorite people.

53:31You are incredibly hyper, insanely talented and you're a real person. And every time I see you, you're Lizzie Kaplan and you're very wise and just a delight to be with you. Thank you very much. I'm going to say it Zero Day Netflix if you're not watching it you're stupid yeah you're stupid yeah don't be stupid watch Zero Day come on why isn't that going to be the tagline no that is the tagline I mean De Niro's been saying that on everything

54:12recently on the podcast we talked about how you could mail into a comic book advertisement and get the Polaris nuclear submarine. Yes. The only thing I'll add to that, this was many years ago. I don't think it's still true, but when I was a kid, probably around 1970, 71 on the back of a magazine, there were these things that you could, on the back of a comic book, there were things you could send away with. One of them famously was like x-ray specs. And it showed a guy, I mean, it's so not PC today, but a guy looking at a woman in a dress. And the idea was that you put these on and you can see through her dress.

54:44Oh, good. Yeah. How many of those did you buy? 700. And they do work. Yeah. One of the things that really intrigued me was give us, I don't know what it was. Seven dollars. Seven dollars. And we'll send you a working mini Polaris sub that fires missiles. You can get inside. It has a periscope. Now, I never did it, but all these years later, it floats into my mind every now and then. What the hell was that thing? What did you, Because legally, if you send them$7, they have to send you something. And so we brought it up and you remembered it too. Yeah, I did. And I remember the hovercraft too. And they're distinctly two different things.

55:23So the submarine does send you a submarine. What? But apparently it's been very hard for people to track down. And I found the third point of Singularity blog. It looks like they went on a kind of hunt themselves and ultimately found it. It's the other tab, Eduardo, if you don't mind. And this is what you end up getting. And it's like a cardboard submarine. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. I swear to God, that kid looks like me. Yeah. I mean, that's what I looked like back in the day. He's got the same bowl haircut, the same look of just defeat. Oh, no, no, no. But that wait a minute that I have to say looks more impressive than I thought.

56:07Really? Because I see just cardboard that's kind of pinned together. and certainly not going to do well in the water. Oh. But isn't that nice? He's using his imagination. Isn't that the whole point? Does it fire a missile? Okay. It's all right. Okay, so I don't know. This is helping me. This is actually therapeutic. This is giving me some closure because that's something. Yeah. You get inside and it does close and it's got, I mean, seven bucks. I guess this is seven bucks back then. So now this would be the equivalent of like$35. That's true. So, or$50. I don't know. Times have changed. It's so funny.

56:50He looks so far from water. I know. It's like definitely Wisconsin. He's in the Midwest. There isn't a body of water for 800 miles. And he's like, see you later. For the listener, this looks like a cardboard submarine seated in the middle of a big lawn. Yeah, and there's a fence way in the backyard and then power lines. All you can see is just lawn and no ocean. It's fun, though. How fun is that? Isn't that fun? If you're a little kid, you're not going to go to the ocean and go in a submarine. I used to make things out of boxes. I used to, too. I used to, if a big box came in, it was just a done deal that either Luke or I would get to build something with it.

57:36So I don't know. I am not disappointed by that. Me neither. That actually looks better than I thought it was going to look. Yeah, me too. I'm impressed. I salute this company, and I think this should have been used by the military. The thing that I more remember was this hovercraft. When I said last time that I thought it was a kit, that's what the hovercraft is. You were supposed to take your motor out of your vacuum and build this hovercraft. So let's go to the other tab here. This must have thrilled your parents. when they went to use the vacuum. Does this look familiar to you? Yes. It lifts 200 pounds.

58:10Yes. Nothing about this looks familiar. And then scroll down and you can see on this blog. Wait, go back up to see what this blog is named. Dwyer and Michaels. Okay. All right. This guy actually built the vacuum. Okay. And here's the order. Astronauts iron on with order. Okay. You can float on air free. Lifts 200 pounds. So basically, yeah, a hovercraft you could build. I remember this. Yeah. Now scroll down and you can see that the guy built it. Okay. A bunch of other ads. Oh, boy. That's it. He's building it? Yeah. Okay. Well, there you go. And then, yeah, play that video. What? Look at that.

58:45Oh, I know this website. It's called Bad Use of Your Time.

58:51Well, I'm supposed to do dialysis today, but I figured I'll build this hovercraft from the 60s. I mean, that's kind of cool. We can't get enough air from a vacuum. Oh. Ah, got him. He wasn't looking. But no kid that's, you know, an eight-year-old kid is going to be able to build that. I guess it's a nice project with your, you know, scout troop leader or your dad. Big problem here is you have to take the motor out of your parents' vacuum cleaner. And that was not going to fly in my house. No kid from the 50s that took the motor out of their vacuum cleaner would get away unscathed. Also, how do you do that?

59:27How do you just take a motor out of a vacuum? Why do they think an eight-year-old would even know how to do that? Okay. Yeah. That's fine. I'm asking the real question, but you guys are being nostalgic. Wait. We're here with you. Don't throw me under this bus. Yeah, just because we don't answer every one of your questions. I was processing it. Well, you stare at me confused. I just don't know why I hired you. That's a look that goes back to... Don't think about it. Don't think about it. 2008 questions. We don't think about that. We just live in the moment. Live in the moment. Well, that, you know what?

59:59I have to say there is closure here. Good. That's what I... I now know what Rosebud means. That helped me. That helped me. How? Why? I don't know, because it was a mystery that never got solved. It was an itch that never got scratched. It was a riddle that never had an answer. And now you have shown me what it was. Do you remember, too, like the x-ray gogs? There was also a thing where you could go from being a scrawny little kid to a big kind of like buff guy. And there's a little picture of tough guy kicking sand on the little guy on the beach. Yeah, those are called steroids. That's called juicing.

1:00:30I don't know what they were promising. They were just probably sending you a booklet that says, take two soup cans from mom's kitchen and start using them to make a bicep. But now we know what that is, which is medical grade chemicals that will transform your body. And I don't know, because I'm on them. How long have you been on them? Sadly, I've been on them for my entire life. Oh no, what would you have looked like?

1:01:00I'd have had no skeletal structure Well that was fun Thank you for doing that That helped me And I hope it helped everyone else who listens From my generation who remembers that Sona you seem confused I am completely confused But I also I mean I think that every generation has like toys and stuff That like kind of dupe you Yeah exactly What was yours? McDonald's Monopoly Oh well that's different because that was Rick But I was thinking of the spy tech gear. Do you guys remember the spy tech stuff? It was like a bunch of gear that they sold to kids that was supposed to help you be a better spy.

1:01:35I remember this. There was a mirror periscope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Like a microphone or like a, not a microphone, but something you held up so you could hear things from further away. And so, and it didn't work? I know. I think we bought a bunch of it. I don't think any of it worked. Were you doing actual spying? Yeah. For the government? On our neighbors. Oh. We would go around our neighbors, hide behind bushes and try to spy on them. Do you ever hear anything juicy? Yeah. No, because they didn't work. Hey, they're Armenian too. We all live in this neighborhood. What about you? What did you mention?

1:02:06I mentioned McDonald's Monopoly, although to Sona's point, it's been explained now through documentaries that it was all a scam. It's rigged. But as a kid, you know, you were sold on the promise of like, oh, if I just buy a bunch of fries and we keep eating at McDonald's and we get these little game pieces, we can win a mansion or, you know, some really cool prizes. Right. You're just constantly after the chase. The real win there is the health that you got from me. That's right. Our generation reminds me of the Columbia House records. Yes, I was thinking that too. Like a penny for like CDs. 19 CDs for one penny.

1:02:40You know, I have to say, all of these things are true disappointments. The sub is looking pretty good. Now that you mentioned it. I mean, I'm just saying I'm happy because the one I dreamed about the most actually appears to be somewhat valid. Would I take it deep into the North Atlantic and attack a Russian sub? Probably not. But that kid seemed pretty happy. That kid could have been you. That kid could have been me. Yeah. And then maybe in some other, you know, fold in time, that kid is me, you know? Well, this has been a strange end to any conversation. I'm going to sign off now, but dreams deferred.

1:03:18We'll continue. It's the new segment. Peace out, Tupac. Live your dreams or your dreams live you. I have no ending for this, so I'll just keep talking. No, please. Until I hit something. Just say bye. And we end or do we. A beginning becomes a reality as we finalize. We'll see you next time. He's turning my scent off.

1:03:45Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

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1:04:49But God I'm throwing you back Iání