Matt Groening

25:29We went through a phase when you were there and you helped a lot, making Homer dumber and dumber and dumber. Yeah. Right. We're trying to top ourselves. We finally drew the line and he could not ever forget his own name. Okay. There's one. And there's one where Homer is saying to himself, a policeman is asking him for an explanation. And Homer is saying something akin to, say something good, say something good, say something good. And then Homer says, I'm watching pornography. And you cut to his brain, I guess, saying, say something good, say something good. Homer says the exact wrong thing. And you cut back to his head and his brain says, that's it.

26:12I'm out. Then you hear footsteps and a door slam. And this opens up. Wait a minute. His consciousness got sick of him, but he is his consciousness. So there was all kinds of shit like that. And I always credit you. You'd be in the room saying, guys, come on. You can't go too far. We were like kids that just wanted to eat chocolate all day. the school marm, shaking my finger going, no, no, that's too much. And of course, that only encouraged you guys to do more. But when you, that thing about I'm out, you did that to yourself when you pitched a joke that you felt didn't land. I remember once you pitched something and you mimed getting into a tiny, invisible rocket ship and shutting the door and taking off into space.

27:03Oh my God. I do, there was a long time where I thought my only job here is to entertain the other writers. Like I do believe that I was, I would do things sometimes where I'd put a bunch of Coca-Cola in my mouth and then start vibrating violently. And what it does is it foams and comes out of your mouth. And I'd be going, oh! And they would have me get up and do it in front of everybody. You're like a convention sex worker. Yes! Yes! That they bring in. Yeah, I was there. They'd be like, hey, do this. Soda, soda, soda. I'd be like, all right, guys, if you want. How is this moving the piece forward?

27:39Well, you know, the writer's room, the table was very long. Yeah. And you were on one corner of the table. And literally, you would be doing a little puppet show for the writers around you that the other people at the other end of the table didn't put in here. And they were all leaning over saying, come on, do it for us, too. Do it for us, too. You had a great saying there, which was things can be improbable, but not physically impossible. And I thought that was a great rule, which we, of course, tried to chip away at that. Your point, I think it was really very wise, was this is not a Roadrunner Coyote situation where the coyote can explode and fly into 75 pieces and then they land on the highway and the next scene he's been reassembled.

28:28assembled. So if Homer falls into a gorge and falls all the way down, he doesn't just reappear magically a second later and say, okay, I'm going to try this now. He has to be bruised, bloody, and he went down a gorge. Yes. Yes. Maybe in real life he'd have died. You weren't supposed to show blood in cartoons, it turns out. Yeah. And we made Homer very bloody many times. Yeah. He fell down the gorge and that was very early on. He tried to skateboard across Springfield Gorge. Yes, yeah. Right? And he defied physics for a moment. A second. And then fell. And then fell. And then the next shot was him being raised on a gurney.

29:10I love this. His head all bandaged. He's being raised on a gurney to the ambulance. And his head is banging into the side of the cliff all the way up. All the way up. And then they put him in the ambulance. The ambulance goes 10 feet, hits a tree, and he slides out and goes over the cliff. All the way down again. All the way down again. And that's when I knew we had a show. Yeah. That was the, that was, yeah. Also, I loved that if a four-wheeled vehicle of any kind crashes, it has to explode into flames. Like a car from a 1970s, you know, detective series where it just has to go into a fireball.

29:43So there's all riddled through the Simpsons are an Amish guy driving a cart. Homer doesn't see him and drives by too fast. The guy goes, whoa, the cart and the horse go over the cliff. huge fireball. And so there were these things where it's like, okay, that wouldn't really happen, but we can allow that. It's not impossible. It's not impossible that that wood was soaked with kerosene and that the horse had maybe eaten a bomb. But I remember when I did the monorail episode, there was a bit in it where we were initially trying to get George Takei. That was my first idea is that George Takei will play this part.

30:26And then George Takei said no, because he said, I'm on the transportation board in San Francisco and I cannot. And it was all about a monorail and being a bad idea. And he said, I can't in good conscience. And I was crushed because I thought, oh, he's the guy I want to be in this. And then I think Al Jean came to me and said, we just heard that Leonard Nimoy will do it. And I was like, wait, what? That's better. He outranks Sulu. This is great. and so the joke at the end of the episode which i got to go and record the voice a bunch of us went and meet leonard nimoy and it's just a dream come true but he at the end of the episode uh when everything's sort of been resolved in the monorail people didn't die and it's the end of the of the episode uh leonard nimoy says well i guess my work here is done and barney says you didn't do anything.

31:15And Leonard Nimoy says, didn't I? And then beams out. Now, I remember this being a big discussion because I remember, I think Al said, well, no, the rule is nothing impossible can happen. No one can beam out. And I was like, yeah, but it's Spock. Spock can beam out. And we got into it and you said, no, it's okay. But I remember thinking, oh, I hope we get this. I hope we get this. You can, you know, for the sake, if the joke is good enough, there was an episode in which Homer is somehow, uh, on a, a Christian relief plane flying to a distant island and he's trying to get off and he says, um, but I, I don't even believe in Jebus.

32:00And then they take off and he says, save me Jebus. He does that too. And I think there's a segment where it's sort of about how out of shape he is, but he's driving through the night and he sees a big sign lit up sign. and it says Jim, G-Y-M. And Homer looks up at it and he goes, Gaim? And then he's wondering and he goes, Gaim? And then he parks the car and it's nighttime and he goes up, I think, and he looks inside and sees all the people working out and the exercise equipment. He goes, Gaim. Wait a minute. So you're so unhealthy that you don't even know it's called Jim, which you've at least heard a billion times but yeah by the way so you were you were one of the new guys yeah and i was like the first i think there was the original crew everybody wanted to work on that show and you know i'm just this poster boy for crazy good luck at the moment i became available george meyer had just decided to take some time off and there was an opening George Meyer, one of the legendary Simpsons writers.

33:10I mean, just spectacular. Hall of Famer. And, you know, our assignment at the Simpsons was someone would go off and write a script. We would all pitch jokes for it and they would structure it and there'd be an outline. And then that writer would go off and work on it alone. Fascinating. For a couple of weeks and then come back. Yeah. Oh, it'll get better. And hand in the script. And then we would all go through it page by page and make it better. and then George Meyer would turn his in for like Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington and we'd all look at it and go, I see nothing. We would change here. VD was like, I mean, just these incredible, absolutely incredible writers.

33:49Well, do you know one of the, you were around for John Schwartzwelder, right? Oh God, yeah. So John Schwartzwelder, another one of the great writers and he would turn in scripts that were so insane. Yes. And we just cut out the craziest things and they would be absolutely brilliant. All we had to do was cut a couple of jokes here and there. It was so good. Let me paint the picture for you. John Schwartzwelder. The rest of us look like what a comedy writer in their 20s looks like, a caricature or early 30s. We all had that same kind of look. And then suddenly there's this guy in the corner who is much older than us, and he's got this incredible mustache.

34:26He looks like the handsomest policeman you'd see in 1890. Like imagine like a real man and he's smoking cigarettes and he's not saying much, but when he does say something, it's brilliant. And I remember this clear as day. I get this insane opportunity to audition for Letterman's slot, thinking this will never happen. and I'm asking Reese and Jean, like they want me to go to the Burbank lot and audition and I don't know, and should I even be doing this? I mean, I have no experience. I can't. So even if I got it, I don't think I could do this. It's an insane idea. I'll never, and I was sort of, the room started asking me questions about it and I'll never forget.

35:09I said, I know they want me to audition to replace Letterman, who's, you know, genius and invented this new form and I can't, and then I remember uh schwarzweiler took a long drag of his cigarette and he never spoke he didn't say much and he exhaled and he went i'd watch your show and that was the first time someone like endorsed the i the concept because most people i would say that to like oh you're a funny guy but what the fuck are you talking about and schwarzweiler was like and he said it with this conviction of like maybe no one else will but i'd watch it and i was like thank you john he's never watched one I don't know about, I just want to say about Schwartz, I like him, but when Clinton was in office, he bet everybody on the staff that.

35:51Yes. Oh, he's completely wrong. Clinton would be hanged while in office. He said, yeah, he was. Oh, I remember when. He also drove the world's biggest Cadillac, whatever, the 1956 Caddy. And he would be the last one in the parking lot while we are driving away. He'd be going. Oh, and we'd leave and he'd still be trying to. If it rained, it wouldn't. And then he wouldn't be there the next day. So he obviously made it. And I always heard these stories that he, like, saved every dime he made. I think he, at the time, anyway, he lived in, like, a very modest house. And I think he lived with, he and his brother, like, shared a house.

36:29And I remembered asking him once, so what do you, like, the rest of us are going to go for the weekend. And, oh, I've got a date. Or I'm going to go here. My wife and I are going to go there. And I asked John, he said, well, do what I always do. I'm going to go home. and my brother and I are going to play catch with a softball in front of our house for, you know, like a couple of hours and then we're going to hit a diner. And I was like, wow, wow. Old Cadillac? Because he's just from the 50s. No, he was from out of time. I mean, if anyone has ever been from another time, it was John Schwartzwelder and brilliantly funny writer, but very wrong sometimes about things.

37:06When Clinton was first running for president, people would be like, oh, he's doing really well in the polls. And he would tell us with, no, Bush will defeat him. Bush will defeat him. This is the guy that would say he'd watch your show. Yeah, exactly.

37:25Wrong about everything. So we go back so far, this was in the era when you could actually smoke in diners. And Schwarzwelder, what's the big diner on Ventura Boulevard that's no longer there? real famous one. Is it Dupar's? Is it? Not Dupar's. Anyway. Norm's? Norm's. Yeah. Schwarzschild had a booth that he would sit in and smoke and write Simpson scripts and then they made smoking illegal and so he had an identical booth built in his house. Yeah. Yeah. Totally believe that. Yes. He was that guy who like definitely going to march to his own tune. And now he's a novelist. Oh, his novels are really funny.

38:02his craziest novels. The, um, he writes these sort of hard-boiled detective mysteries, but they're insane. I think the title of one, which I loved, was The Robot Did It.

38:18And I've read these and they were just, you know, spectacular. But you have one of the best, for lack of a better term, rags to riches stories that I can think of in all of show business because... And I saved my rags. And those rags are now worth a fortune. I see your rags on eBay all the time. Yeah. You moved to L.A. in 1977 to become a writer. You while you're waiting to accomplish that or even while you're doing it, you're washing dishes at a nursing home, clerking at the Hollywood Licorice Pizza record store, landscaping in a sewage treatment plant and chauffeuring and ghostwriting for a retired director of Western films.

38:59That's right. Just incredible. You know, so that the last job was I wanted to be a writer. So I, of course, looked in the LA Times wanted ads for help wanted, and it said wanted writer chauffeur. And so I applied for the job, and I was the writer chauffeur for this old movie director who you've never heard of. And my job was to drive him around during the day, and we'd look at the sites, go through Beverly Hills and whatever, and he'd say, that's Tom Mix's house. And then we'd drive by the same house the next day, and he'd go, that's where Laurel and Hardy lived. And I said, I don't think they live together.

39:36Shut up.

39:40And then I would listen to his stories. And at night, I would work on his autobiography, which was this high. Because there had been a number of previous writer chauffeurs. And in fact, there was one guy, while I was out driving around, there was a guy sitting at his house on the dining room table, you know, typing it up. And I just remember reading these, and the guy was obsessed with his mother. He goes, today was the day I met Cecil B. DeMille. Immediately I ran home to tell mother, mother, I said, I met Cecil B. DeMille. It was odd. This sounds like Sunset Boulevard. It is very much. Yeah.

40:15Wow. At the age of 88, mother lost control of her bowels. So that was the lead sentence of one of the chapters. I thought that was a whole chapter. But getting back to Schwartzwiller, one of my favorite lines in one of the detective novels is they attach the detective up to a lie detector and they say, does it hurt? And he goes, yes, a little. And they say, you're lying. they're unhinged they're unhinged in the very best way um and you know i think one of them starts with like the detective just getting the classic thing getting beat up but then it turns out that he like shows up for his beatings because that's his job as a detective you know in an alley i mean it's just it's the first line was my story begins with me getting punched in the face yes um you know what's interesting to me is everyone knows of course you do you know your your first goal was to be a journalist.

41:09Right. And what's fascinating to me is part, one of your gigs was if someone was getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, if I have this correctly, your job was to, okay, um, you know, Don Knotts is getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. You do some research about that, but then you would go out and try and find out exactly where the star was going to be and what business it would be in front of to let people know. Right. Which no one did, right? You'd say like, Like, oh, it's going to be in front of this tobacco shop on Vine. I tried to get the most degrading store that was closest to the...

41:45And there's plenty of them. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sure. Fredericks of Hollywood and, you know, all sorts of tattoo parlor. Dildo Emporium. Right. And you would say, whatever, yeah, this, you know, Miss Mayfield will be getting her star in front of the Dildo Emporium. And you kind of got in trouble for that. Yeah, well, they called me up and asked me, please don't say what stores the stars are in front of. Yeah. Of course, I never stopped. So what's interesting is, again, these moments fascinate me. You time travel to, you get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And you could never have imagined back when you were writing those stories, well, someday I'll have my star.

42:25It's ludicrous. Well, what's really fun is to take visitors from out of town and walk down Hollywood Boulevard and say, oh, look. you know as if i who knew you were up on like polishing it scraping urine off of it um there's a lot of hollywood stars now there's a lot of them like they sort of doubled it up it's not just you know oh no there's and they have one i do not no and nor will i oh and nor will i ever have one i'll see to that i'm gonna work on that oh please do not do that promise me you'll never do that so many great memories for me but you couldn't have been you couldn't have been prepared for the success of the simpsons because you make a show you hope it just stays on the air at the time primetime animation uh that's you know the brainchild of a underground you know subversive uh comic artist this isn't going to work maybe it will work a little bit but then it becomes a phenomenon.

43:26Yes. And how quickly did you realize that you've hit one of the biggest gushers of all time? The first indication was the cartoon started on the Tracy Ullman show. And they told me at the beginning, they brought me in and they said, we want you to do a two-minute cartoon for the Tracy Ullman show every week. And I went, you can't do anything in two minutes. that's not enough time. And then they called me and said, no, I'm sorry. It's one minute. And then they said, it's four 15 second cartoons. So the whole thing began with 15 second cartoons. And so my, my feeling was, well, sight gag, that's all we, you know, really quick, quick, quick sight gags.

44:07And what made me think that we really had something going is they put some of those cartoons on the, uh, in the beginning of Fox movies and they got applause when the titles came up and I go, oh, so people are watching already. So that, that was the first indication. And then when the show came on, we did 13 episodes without a pilot and, um, Fox first, they want to do one show and we, Jim Brooks, uh, uh, refused and said, no, we want to do 13. And they did it. And the whole thing, the whole run was built on those first 13 episodes, which we had never seen the results of the animation before they were all written because It takes six months to do all the animation.

44:51And so we lucked out. That's all. It was an incredible, lucky situation. And then there was the Fox network, brand new, which didn't even hit the entire country. It was regional. Right. And so, but even with the fact that it wasn't in every market in the U.S., it was still extremely popular. So that was amazing. I mean, was it the first episode of The Simpsons or the second or third? At what point does it become clear that? I mean, I don't remember how quickly, but I remember it was very fast. I was writing it Saturday Night Live when The Simpsons debuted and we were all aware instantly that this was the - Yeah, I think probably second or third episode.

45:28Yeah. We just knew this is the best thing ever. And I think every comedy writer was just, oh my God, I wish I was over there. That's the place to be. And that's as much as I loved SNL, it was just a phenomenon. And it's, you know, when I leave, I remember thinking, I mean, I didn't even think about it, but part of my experience has been, I leave a show and think, this probably runs for a little while longer, you know, and then it will find its natural endpoint. I thought about SNL when it was like, when I was there and it was, you know, 14 years old. We had a 15th anniversary special and I thought, well, you know, this pony is going to be put down soon.

46:08I think they just had the, now it's 51 or 52 years. And The Simpsons is just, is it how many? 38 seasons. Oh, my God. We've done more than 800 episodes. That's a lot of pencil mileage in animation terms. How do you guys guard against repeat jokes or even themes? Is there someone cataloging like an archivist who can come in and... Well, if I were Conan, I would mime an invisible gun. Yeah. We do repeat. We do repeat. Our motto now is try not to repeat recently. Yeah. Yeah. yeah yeah we know we try you know al gene is sort of the living brain he's a living encyclopedia i can watch episodes from last year and i don't remember a single moment from them because they just one goes in and one goes out yeah very homer simpson style yeah yeah and um people like al gene and and the internet help us say did we already do that joke yeah and yeah i mean now it's going to be easier and easier to track it down yeah because of a little amazing thing called ai AI.

47:10Hey, AI, just a quick plug for it. No, no. Oh, okay. Stop. There's an AI son I can use. And now, and now we are, because of the internet, we are being congratulated for predicting the future. That was the next thing I was bringing up, which is I've had people ask me, how is it that you guys, meaning any Simpsons person, how is it you guys were able to predict the future? and I'll say, you're not being serious. They're totally serious. They think that wizards work at the Simpsons as opposed to it's a volume business. You throw out a lot of things. Maybe you make a joke about, yes, and the president in the future will be real estate asshole Donald Trump.

47:57And it's just a quick laugh in the room. And then later on, it's a chilling omen of what will, but there've been so many of them now. Well, Dan Greeney, the writer of that line about Trump being president, was done in like 2002 or something. And then Elisa was president. So we don't get everything right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And he's taken that to heart. And now he dresses up like a prophet. Dan does? Dan does. And he's running for president. Oh, I did hear Dan Greeney was running for president. Yeah. Well, I'll vote for him. Yes, of course. Sure. I want to see the outfit first. We're not predicting he wins, by the way.

48:40These days, I would think anyone would have a chance. That's the world we're in right now. Let's talk about Futurama because I've always believed that there are two really fun things to write. One is someone who has unlimited wealth, which is why writing for Mr. Burns was my favorite thing. And I think all of us loved it. You like doing the voice. I love doing the voice. Yeah. I mean, I used to pitch. And you also tinted your fingers. I've tinted my fingers. Yes, yes. Simpson, eh? And I loved, I used to pitch in the voices and I thought that's what people did. And people were like, what are you doing?

49:19When I first showed up and I would do the different voice. I don't know, homie, maybe. And I'd be like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I thought, I thought we'd pitch in the voices. And I'm like, no, you don't pitch in the voices. No one does that. I loved writing for Mr. Burns because it's a kind of silly writing you can do where he can, if a character has unlimited wealth and is evil, they can have anything. Anything that can be built by man can exist in that person's dungeon basement. They can have hyperbaric chambers. They can have escape pods. All kinds of sinister things can happen.

49:54And the other fun one I always thought would be writing about the future because one of the miracles of the Jetsons, I think, that made it so much fun to watch was the world's your oyster. You know, you can just, writers are completely free to imagine anything. And to me, that's why Futurama always made so much sense. Was that part of the initial appeal? Well, part of it was, you know, looking at the Jetsons, which has the greatest theme of all time. Yes, yeah. right? He said it's all of these apartments and stuff that are on stilts. And you never see the earth. And I thought, well, let's do the future.

50:30Like what's going on down there? It's got to be pretty bad. I love that. It did feel like it allows you to use a whole other area that, you know, the Simpsons can dabble in every now and then if someone's imagining the future. But Futurama just felt like. It was really fun. And it turns out that science fiction and comedy don't necessarily work together. I mean, you can make it funny, but if you're, if this is just a piece of advice, if you're doing a science fiction comedy, don't have the rocket ship be shaped like a salt shaker, for instance. It's funny the first time, maybe. It's irritating the second time and it's infuriating the third time.

51:10So anything that you see over and over again, make sure you can live with it when the series begins who are you creating it with was uh david x cohen yeah that's right i know david cohen yes he's called david x cohen because there are other david cohen's in the writers guild is that why he put the x in there i always just knew him as david cohen but then he put an x david s cohen but there was another david s cohen too so an x is pretty kind of futuristic to conan x o 'brien yes i'm sure there are other conan o 'briens out there You're trying to, your wife would like to change into an ex O 'Brien.

51:41Nice. Yay. Congrats. You're fired. You're fired. By the way, I, you know, Homer Simpson seems like a pretty random name, but it turns out it's not the most random name. And we did get a letter saying, thank you for ruining my life. I can't order pizza. I can't do this. I can't do that. Signed. Fuck you. Signed. Mrs. Homer S. Simpson. Oh my God. Oh, wow. There's a documentary about all the real people named James Bond and what they have to live with as they walk through the days. Terrible. Well, the other thing is that I named the characters after my family. That's right. So my father's name is Homer.

52:21My mother's name is Marge. I have a sister, Lisa, and I have a sister, Maggie. And I kind of wrecked their lives. Now, Marge's hair, I know it's kind of modeled on Bride of Frankenstein, but also did your mom? My mother had a very tall beehive when I was a kid. And from the angle that I was looking at her, it really seemed big. And she always denied it, but I do have photos. And my dad loved The Simpsons, except when Homer was mean to Marge. He did not. He called me up after. There was an episode in which The Simpsons' car breaks down in the desert. While the family is sitting under the shade of a big boulder, Marge has to carry a tire back to town.

53:04Yeah, yeah. And my dad was so mad that Homer made Marge carry the tire. Yeah. And I said, he strangles his kid. And my dad said, I don't care about that. Did they make you stop the strangling at a certain... Because I know early on there was, you know, Homer would really throttle Bart, grab him around the neck and go, you know, and I think that went away at a certain point. No. No? It went away and then we just got tired of repeating the same joke. Yeah, okay. But then... It wasn't out of concern. No, you know what? We wouldn't do spanking because that's too real. So the strangling was very silly.

53:40That's true. It never bothered me. And by the way, it's always impulsive. Yeah. It's always, why you little? And then in general, Bart tries, you know, reaches for a frying pan and hits him. And Homer gets his comeuppance. There was one episode in which Homer went, why you little? And he comes over very slowly and strangles him. It was so freakish that we cut it. It's only if it's impulsive. So impulsive anger. Impulsive anger. Impulsive is funny. We did an episode in which Homer and Smithers got into a fist fight. And they were hitting each other. Smithers had an old-fashioned rotary phone. He was hitting him in the face and then back and forth and really harsh, harsh animation.

54:23And I remember coming to the sound mix and it's just, ugh, ugh, ugh, and just horrifying. horrifying and it was not funny at all and we could not figure out how to you know we're stuck with the animation the show this was on a thursday the show's coming airing on on sunday and uh we tried okay let's make the sound effects funny you know boing no it made it not funny at all and so finally as an experiment we took out all the sounds of exertion and just letting it let sounds of pain you know all that kind of stuff and that made it funny so that is that is my comedy tip there. Pain is funny. I think in one of my scripts I wrote that Mr.

55:06Burns wants to kill someone with a baseball bat. It's sort of that thing that's, it's that old trope where Al Capone is walking around the table with a baseball bat and we got teamwork, we need teamwork. And then he lets loose on one of the guys who's a traitor. But my thing was that he's so weak that he's going, and the bat is just barely touching the guy and the guy just says uh what are you doing and and mr burn says i'm thrashing you within an inch of your life but he's incredibly exhausted so my way out is that he's incredibly violent and homicidal in that moment but he can't he can't do anything um and the other thing i remember is going back to the fox lot a couple of times i've gone and I'll, you know, walk up to the old writer's room, which is, it looks like an old 1940s hotel motel.

56:03It's, you know, that it's, it's a two stories and there's a staircase that goes to the second level. It looks kind of dilapidated. And I pushed through the same old creaky door and some of the same faces from when I was there, everyone's got gray hair and they look up and go, and lunch yeah lunch there's still nothing but no i would hang out and chat with them a bit and then i would say well i gotta go please no i'm gonna go shoot a travel show i'm going to you know paris fellas i'll see you later kill me kill me before you go but uh so i showed my my 10 year old at the time old episodes of uh Andy Griffith.

56:51And he liked him, but he said he really liked Gomer Pyle. And I said, well, Gomer had his own show. And he goes, what? And so we watched like 150 episodes of Gomer Pyle USMC. Yep. Huge hit. And in the background is that writer's building as a barracks. There you go. Yeah. They filmed it on the Fox lot, or at least part of it. And someone told me across from where we did on the Fox lot, across from our sort of old rickety building, there was a little bungalow and we would sometimes meet over there. We would look at animatics. We would look at, oh, now the color corrected versions come back. We're going to look at that.

57:28We'd have meetings over there sometimes. And someone told me that that was once Marilyn Monroe's dressing bungalow on the Fox lot. Yeah, I heard that story. No idea if that's true. I don't know. It's either. Or it's where Laurel and Hardy got together to have sex. Sadly, that room is still where we watch animatics. Is it really? Yes. Okay. So nothing's changed. Nothing has changed. And then these little odd things pop up. I remember we were writing an episode and everyone's sitting around. It's Patty and Selma, Marge's sisters. And they're voiced also by Julie Kavner. And one of them, I think it was Patty or Selma, has a iguana, a pet iguana.

58:09And at one point we needed to know the name of the iguana. And so Al Jean just said, oh no, we need a name for this iguana. and I remember the whole room was just like thinking and I like having a spasm. I just said, jub, jub. And I remembered Al went, okay, jub, jub. And then it's one of those things where people, real Simpsons fanatics will come up to me sometimes and go, jub, jub. And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah. But you started using that phrase. All the time. All the time. You had a fictitious product or something called jub, jub. Yes, I built a whole religion around jub, jub. Yes, yes. That's right.

58:45I was saying jub-jub a lot. And then it's one of those things where it's annoying to everybody all the time. And then the one situation came around. What do we call this iguana? And I just went, jub-jub. And they're like, okay. But yes, that's actually the way it happened. Yes. Something was wrong with me. Glad it all got fixed. Oh, boy. Well, there are throwaway jokes that then become part of the vernacular. I think it was George Meyer. I may be wrong, but he reached over and grabbed something and said, yoink. Yes. And so now that became a thing where you say the sound effect of the thing that you're doing.

59:18Yes. And then George got sick of it, but we still use it. Yeah. First of all, there has to be a part two. If you've got the time, you're welcome here anytime you want to come in because we barely scratched the surface. There is so much to talk about. So it's an open invitation anytime you want to come. Thank you so much. It's really nice to see you relaxed. The last time I saw you, I visited the office here, and you came out dressed in a German sailor suit. I do remember that. I have a very strange life. I really do. And you didn't acknowledge it. Yeah. You just... Hey, man, how's it going? Never acknowledge.

59:56He didn't know. He didn't know he was dressed. Yeah, I'm like Homer. I often forget completely who I am and what I'm doing. He joined the German Navy. No, you, I mean, clearly you've brought the world so much joy, but me personally, you changed my life. And so I will never thank you enough. I honestly don't know. I don't know if my life would have unfolded the way it did if I hadn't had that time at The Simpsons. It was really perfect. Well, you were great in the room, and I wasn't surprised that you went places. In fact, when it was announced that you were going to be the host, the New York Times called me up and said, who is this guy?

1:00:34Is he funny? I said, he's funny. America will love him. And they printed it out on the front page because I was the only guy who knew who you were. That's right. And this is back when every other quote was him. You know, he looks like an idiot. And so the fact that I. The knives were out for you. Yes, they were. Because you were a writer. Yeah. But I remember that quote because I was desperate for anything that would keep people at bay. You came back to the lot. Yes, I did. It was a beautiful thing to do. He's very appreciative. And congratulations. They don't see that side of me. And I know I've seen everything else you've done.

1:01:17Yeah. No, but anyway, thank you for your service. Oh. You know, and also, again, about The Simpsons and Futurama and everything else, it's a collaborative effort. Yeah. You know, it's a combination of great writers and great actors and great animators and great musicians and it all comes together. I'm the spokesmodel. Yeah. Well, sir, I thank you and I'm desperate to get you back here anytime you want to be here. Thank you very much. For any reason. Thank you, guys. Good night and God bless.

1:01:53There was a moment in the football season last year. It just blew me away. Remember that play? Incredible. The one with the ball? Threw the ball up in the air. You didn't, and that, the catch, and then the run was crazy. That was awesome. I know exactly what you're talking about. I think everyone does. So cool. Because it ended in a triumph. Well, no matter what triumphs are in store this season, legendary game day start with a Miller Lite. They sure do. Miller Lite's a true American pilsner and the original light beer brewed since 1975. I remember last season, I was sitting around with my bros, my bro-hems, I call them, the bro squad.

1:02:27The jock squad. Jock squad. You got your Greg Daniels, Rob Lusebnik, Robin Flender. We're sitting around. We're shirtless. And we were like, this game day is legendary. We all said that at the same time. And then we all said, Jinx, owe me a Miller Lite. And it's a good thing I had some. Make game day legendary. Go to MerrillLite.com slash current to find delivery options near you, or you can pick up some Miller Lite pretty much anywhere they sell beer. Game time is Miller time. Celebrate responsibly. Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 96 calories and 3.2 carbs per 12 ounces. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

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1:04:10Have you ever had a cat, Sona? Never. Okay. I have had multiple cats. Yeah. I had a cat growing up. It was my cat. My wife and I now have three cats. That's a lot. Yeah, we have three cats and two dogs. And I have to say the dogs are so appreciative. Cats hard to win over. Yeah. Cats are cats. They're tricky. Yes. Sometimes I feel like I'm working for them, you know? Well, Temptations Classic Cat Treats is the solution, okay? Temptations Classic Cat Treats are the crunchy outside, soft inside treat any cat obsesses over, Each treat is under two calories per treat. It's 100 % nutritionally complete and balanced for adult cats.

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1:05:24Hey, I have something to talk about which relates to us, Sona. A couple of days ago, I'm hanging out at my house. It's a weekend. Everything's chill. And all of a sudden, Sona sends me a text. I look down and what do the text say, Sona? The text said, hey, your car is going to be a few minutes late. and it's very matter of fact. Yeah. Oh, your car is going to be a few minutes late. Yeah. Which is the kind of text you send me if I've got to go to the airport. Right. You know, I'm supposed to go to some function. I've got to do some work thing and a car is going to take me there. Can I just say, because I was your assistant for such a long time and I used to book all the cars for you and then David took over, but it's still my phone number.

1:06:01Right. So without even thinking, when I get a text about his cars, like either coming or information from his thing, from his drivers, I just text it to David and Conan without checking. I don't even know what he's up to.

1:06:17So it's really funny because Sona has no connection, really, to the day-to-day stuff. But then out of the blue, when I do get a text from Sona, it's either a picture of her two twins hot-wearing a car, or it's to tell me that a car is waiting for me out front and then I go, oh, okay, yeah, I'm supposed to go to the airport or I'm supposed to go make an appearance on this show or that show and they've sent a car for me. Let me see if I can find this. Where the hell is this going? Okay, hold on. So I get a thing. I'm going to read it to you now. Sona, your driver is running a few minutes late. I text back for, like question mark, like to take me where?

1:07:02And I, for a second, I'm just thinking, Sona just decided I need to go. So your driver is running a few minutes late. Sona, four. Sona, um, I, she wrote, texted, um, um, comma, I don't know, I just got a text. And I texted back, I ain't going nowhere. And Sona texts, this is fun. Now, David Hopping is on the thread and um he suddenly pipes up that's weird and then i text feels like a kidnapping plot and and because why is this car waiting for me then sona texts i think it's a scam text i fell for i'm embarrassed um what you go and then i'll read the text i had with the guy okay so sona writes, I think it's a scam text I fell for.

1:07:56I'm embarrassed. And then I wrote to Sona, now they have your nudes. She gave that a double exclamation point. Sona wrote back, who doesn't? Then listen to this. Then Sona texts, oh wait, I ordered food and it's about my food. Then Sona texts, I'm sorry, but this is hilarious. Then David Hopping texts, this is my favorite text thread. I text, that's great. David Hopping, what did you order? And then I text, we got to read this on the pod. Then Sona writes, this might be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It was awful. Then Sona texts, goop kitchen. And then that's what she ordered. And David Hopping writes, Gwyneth really knows what she's doing with that kitchen.

1:08:46Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I write, if you charge my card, I'm having you arrested. And then I said, they have turkey meatballs that are shaped like ovaries. And then Sona writes, I don't charge your personal card. I charge your company and it's a write-off, so you're welcome. And then Sona said, I'm proud of you for typing ovaries. I know it's difficult for you. Yes. I wrote, I cried twice. Sona said, I enjoyed picturing that. David wrote, hashtag growth. Yeah. And then I wrote to David. David is, and I wrote it to both of you. David's headed to Vegas to see Kelly Clarkson and Sona's ordering goop on my dime.

1:09:24You guys have made it. Meanwhile, I've been slaving away in the yard for two hours. What were you doing in the yard? I know. And then Sona says, what were you doing in the yard? And I say, I go into my yard to manscape. Oh, God. That's pretty much the gist of it. This is the bullshittery that goes on. The three of us aren't doing anything separately. And it's like you set off a room full of mousetraps. It's just, I was like, oh, okay, I'm doing my job. Like your car's a few minutes late. Why are you even on these threats? But you have no idea. But you didn't remember that you had just ordered food?

1:09:59I completely forgot. And then the guy, he sent me a text. He goes, your driver is on their way now, but it's running a few minutes late. And so I go, okay, I'll let him know. Thank you. Oh, my God. Let food know. Yeah, exactly. How many edibles have you had? None, none. This is my sober state. And then afterwards, I was like, wait, who is this? And he goes, food delivery. And I go, okay, thank you. And then he said he's on his way. And then when I realized it was the food that I ordered and the driver that I had requested that was about me, I was like, do I even tell Conan or can I just pretend there was a mix-up and that the car company messed up?

1:10:39but then I ended up telling you it was food delivery which made me feel really stupid a strength of Sona's is she's honest she's very honest I might have just said oh some kind of error I just chewed the car company out and let them have it no yeah but you didn't do that no yeah and they're a really good car company so I wouldn't want to okay well anyway good to see that you're on it yeah boy are you on it you're welcome how was the goop kitchen it was good it was really good I don't know man it was good I was just embarrassed it was And embarrassing myself in front of Conan is the worst type of embarrassment.

1:11:12Slash best thing. It's the best thing that ever happens. It's good for the show. Well, I think we all learned a lesson. Which is? Trust, but confirm, you know? Or verify. Terrible. Just terrible. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

1:11:48Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:12:37Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio Andy. Live and uncensored, catch me talking with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship issues, and bodily ailments. With that kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never know what's going to happen. You can listen to Jeff Lewis live at home or anywhere you are. Download the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of ad-free music, sports, entertainment, and more. Subscribe now and get three months free. Offer details apply.

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