Matthew McConaughey & Woody Harrelson

24:42So I got cast early in my career, 1995 or something, in a one-day role in this independent film. And this was at a time where I was not getting roles. I was getting callbacks and the third callback, but not getting the role. And it's because I just started to learn what acting was. I never went to acting school. When you start to learn something, you get a little heady about it, right, before it's instinctual. And in these auditions, I just wasn't kind of going for it. and I was tight and I was too conservative and I was thinking too much. So I get offered this one day role. It's a drug lord on the Southern border in Texas, Mexico.

25:17The coyotes come over with my drugs. Bang, bang, bang. I shoot them up. Still, the drugs don't pay them. That's it. So I get in there and I'm like, look, I know what I'm gonna do. I need to go back and start acting like I did. When I began, days confused. I've never acted before. There weren't lines. They just threw me in scenes. I improvised. I know my man and I'll do what my man would do. So I get the bright idea that I'm not going to read the script. I'm not even going to read the scenes. I'm just going to, you give me that layout, drug lord on the border, I'll do what my man would do. So I show up on the day fully confident.

25:50And right before we go to our march, right before action, I get a little nervous. The sweat runs down the back of my neck. I said, hang on, timeout, can I get a pair of sides, which is the small copy of it? And I read the sides because I'm thinking, hey, if it's written well, that's exactly what I would say. And if it's not written well, I'll just be my man and say what I would say. Page one, page two, page three, page four. And I say, can I get 12 minutes, please? Why? Because it was a four page monologue by my guy. Oh my God. In Spanish. Oh my God. And you were like, all right, all right, all right.

26:36Yeah, all right. See, see, see. So my thinking is that 12 minutes is not too long to inconvenience the crew, but 12 minutes is also long enough for me to memorize a four-page monologue in Spanish because, hey, I took Spanish in the 11th grade. Well, it didn't inconvenience the crew, but it was not long enough to learn. Yeah, figured out. Anyway, I don't remember what I did in that scene. I've never watched it. I'm not able to watch it. But on the drive home, I pulled over and was bawling and beating myself up and so angry about the feeling of embarrassment that I had of not being prepared. From that day on, I said, I'll be over prepared if I can be maybe prepared.

27:16But F that, man, it was a horrible feeling. Yeah. Anyway, one of those deals. Yeah, a bright idea. Forget about it. I had a bright idea. So he is like the most hyper prepared person. And so like in his airstream that he had when we were doing True Detective, he had this long graph that went all the way across the wall of the airstream that, okay, this happens here, this happens here. So put it all because obviously you don't film in order. I guess that's not obvious to a lot of people, but you don't film in order. So it would orient you, oh, this just happened. And now this is about to happen.

27:57And so he'd had it all mapped out. He's hyper prepared. And I'd walk into the airstream. OK, where are we? Oh, OK. OK, good. Let's go. Who am I, by the way? Oh, OK, I get it. You're Rustin. I'm Marty. No, you know, so I just piggyback off of his preparedness. us well we worked that we we worked different in that in that film there's a funny instance because he and i had done a couple films together and then in life for more sort of where who starts where who ends where and we can finish each other since you were saying and it's comedic it's a jive and those were two characters that were not jiving and i remember him saying to me early on you can't you're like dude i think we gotta lighten this up some we gotta have some jokes jokes and stuff and He goes, he goes, right now we're rehearsing and it's kind of like I hit you the ball and then you just stand there and wait to the ball bounces past you, hits the backstop and comes to a rest.

29:02And you're still just staring at me. That's not our gig, man. We hit the ball back to each other. And I just stared at him and he goes, what? I go, I think that might be end up being kind of funny. If my character is the guy who stands there, doesn't hit the ball back. And he's like, fuck you. Anyway, I think we had enough. I think there's some humor in there. Yeah. No, but it's also, it's like - It's situational comedy, yeah. It's like there are situations sometimes in scenes where my only, because I don't do this a lot, but the one time I did Larry David's show, I realized, I was like looking at the script and I realized, oh, I get it.

29:39My job is to not give Larry what he wants. And then I realized that's everything in Larry David's show. He wants X. And if you're a scene partner with him, your job is to not give it to him and then he so it's the opposite of yes and yes it's the exact it's no no no yeah no but exactly and in acting that in acting that would be called you give him the obstacle for him to try and overcome yeah yeah but boy they do you know as you know like the intricacy of the plot they really map it out beautifully and then you know you wing it how long is it how long is like a typical uh curb script oh it's you know it might be eight nine ten pages but just of the plot of the plot you know then they and they they sometimes throw in a few lines here they're sprinkled in you know right but but it is i mean it's incredible how they did that.

30:41And they do have a lot of great comedic minds. So I had a revelation, which is literally a week ago. I walk into a restaurant, outdoor restaurant, Larry David's there, his lovely wife, and they're sitting there. And so I walk up to the table to say hi. And Larry's in the middle of getting into it with the waiter because the waiter brought him a turkey sandwich with no mustard. And he's like, in the history of sandwiches, is, you know, when has mustard not been part of the equation? And I said to him, Larry, there's no cameras. They're not. So he's just and this gets us really nicely back to your show, which he was playing himself.

31:22He was taking his life and he just said, I would like to be paid by HBO to be the guy I am anyway. And then when I was watching your show, I was thinking, yes, I know that this is you. We've put English on the ball for both of you, but there are essential truths about both of you because you are Matthew McConaughey in the show and you are Woody Harrelson in the show. And that's what makes it really fun for me. I mean, even when we're hanging out at your house outside Austin, which I know isn't your house, it's still I'm thinking that must be a version of Matthew's house. Well, he don't live on a ranch.

32:02So why'd you make it a ranch? Let me just say, what? You don't live on a ranch? No. Fuck you. That's the only reason you're here. I was like, I got to get, I want to talk to Matthew about his ranch. Do you live in Malibu looking at the water? No. What the fuck? I'd put you two on a pedestal. He doesn't even get high. You've never done a drug in your life? Uh, I'm totally straight A's. America, love it or leave it. Now I don't even know why I'm here. I'm enraged. That ranch was all green screen. It was all AI. That's not even in Texas. It was shot. It says you were shot in Connecticut. The fuck is that?

32:57It's shot in Queens. Woody and I don't even really have scenes together. You don't even like each other. Yeah, if you notice, it's just over. So they put someone to represent him. God damn it! I was so happy. I was like, I'm going to really butter up Matthew Day because I'll get invited to that ranch. Now I find out you live in a geodesic dome. So we did originally, we were thinking to do it like Curb where you have the outline and the plot and everything. But he had cooler heads for me. Maybe a script would be a good idea. To dive into that idea about how much we're playing ourselves. Look, we started it going, let's just base it off reality.

33:40No, what our story, our life, the real thing, we just stick to that, stick to that. And we got off and we shot some of that and we looked at our little assembly and we both went. I think it was a double sniff. It was a double sniff. It was a double sniff. So we both had a little joke. Not that anyone was fired, but we did need to make a pivot and go, wait a minute, let's refigure how we're going to go about this. My running joke was, man, it kind of sucks when you get fired after you've been hired to play yourself. We're going a different way with the Matthew McConaughey. We found this guy, Rick Stenson.

34:23i love rick stenson it's a great imaginary actor of mine that's uh okay please tell me that you have a solar-powered bus i do okay that part's real that runs on turkey guts that wasn't the actual uh yeah it runs on biodiesel okay but that wasn't the actual bus that's just a replica oh This is another great story. Oh, no. The bus. And what was painted on the bus. Yes. Particularly painted on the bus. Again, one of the reasons you're here is I loved that bus. And I was like, he's going to give me a ride in that bus. Because in the show, you get the whole family and you decide, we're going through this crisis.

35:05Let's go visit Matthew. He lives outside Austin on a ranch. And you all pile into this bus. And it's an amazing looking bus to me that you in the show, they say it runs on solar and, you know, I think some kind of biofuel. But it's got this mural painted on the outside. All right. Let's hear about that. That mural was number one on the call sheet. That mural. All right. The scenes where the bus are in it are three weeks away. But we're already shooting some other stuff. And the bus is in the background over in the field. Yep. The biggest holdup. Woody's on time and prepared. for everything right but the for tension span when he'd be a shot on me and that bus was way over there in the back eyeline not of the camera but of his eyeline he would stop in the middle of the take and go why why is that porpoise look like it's swimming the color water it's too it's not blue enough and he stopped we go wood that's three weeks away man hang on we got three weeks to work on that thing and he'd be like no no no hang on where's sarah hey art director come here Hey, let's go talk.

36:14Now, Woody, can we do that at lunchtime? Yeah, yeah, hang on just a second. And he, man, that bus, that bus was on your mind. Because that was the most, you might say that was the reason you did the project, was to have them create a bus that you really loved. And are you going to take this bus when it's over? I just can't believe how, I love the way he tells the story. You know, like, there's all little bits and dibs and dabs of the truth in there, for sure. but you know it's like between a take i made a comment about you know you could do such and and then that's now forever i was in the middle of a take and stopped cut the porpoise tail too small yes remember when you're like white but it doesn't make sense why is this thing right swimming in a desert remember that yes that rings of truth that rings of truth Yeah, that was right.

37:12Okay, well, I think you were way out of line. The court rules in favor of Matthew McConaughey. This has become a contentious trial, and I love it. You guys, here's what I admire about both of you. You seem to embody something I really admire because it's the exact opposite of me, which is you guys seem to have this laid back zen inner calm uh take life as it comes enjoy to the fullest and sona would you agree that's the opposite of me the opposite yeah and i watched your show and one of the reasons i enjoyed it so much is i wanted to become i made you two my spirit animals that i wanted to become you know yes you're both very accomplished But I thought, you know, if there's ever I'm not pitching myself, but I am.

38:04Do you ever want an episode where your complete opposite shows up? It would be me. I'm just telling you that right now. And it would be awful. It would be terrible because I wouldn't invite you to say, let's do a shot at tequila. But, well, you know, hey, oh, let's talk about this. I don't know. My electrolytes. Anyway, it was just. Do you not drink? I do drink on occasion. I try not to drink that much anymore. And what about pot? Nope. I don't do pot. Oh, boy. Give us some stories about the old boys. We actually had a company send us really good, high quality. Let's give them a shout out. What are they called?

38:45It's Kiva. The brand and Caminos are their edibles. They make really amazing edibles. And I took like one. I took a bit like half of one. And then the next day I was like, this madness must end. Yeah. My addiction. I mean, it was, I don't know. He still calls it a gateway drug. He's that guy. He's very narky like that. Was he shooting up like the next day? Yeah. God, that was quick.

39:17Half and half. Yeah, but then it turned out I was shooting up a stat. I knew it. I was lowering my cholesterol. It's just not my thing. Yeah, it's just not my thing. No, that's good because some people it does inflict a certain amount of paranoia. Not you, though. Not me. But it does if it's the hardcore indoor variety because of the chemicals. Yeah, yeah. But Woody won't get high before doing this, before acting, or before he works. He won't do it. No. And what about you? What's your story? No, it doesn't really agree with me. The subplots become a little unmanageable. Yeah. That's a great description.

39:58The subplot becomes unmanageable is fantastic. You don't want his subplots to become unmanageable. Trust me, it goes haywire. I want to try and remember that for the next time someone offers me something. I'm sorry. The subplots become unmanageable. It's true, though. It's probably true for you. Yeah. That's a great description of that. That's from my buddy Rob Bindler. And it happened when the synthetic stuff came. It's kind of when I stopped smoking. It was actually one of my birthday parties that I was going to. My friends rented out this club. And before I was self-driving myself there, my buddy gave me this joint.

40:32And, you know, I'd always smoke the under the sun stuff where you laugh, giggle, get the munchies and maybe hook up somebody. But this night I pull up and all of a sudden when I walk into the party, it's over and everyone's gone at one in the morning. Why? Because I had pulled up four hours earlier in time for my party, but I had smoked that weed. and for some reason felt like it was more important to listen to Janet Jackson's That's the Way Love Goes 27 times in a row than to go into my own frickin' birthday party.

41:08You know what? I have to say, not a bad subplot, though. It sounds like a really great night, honestly. With me and Janet sitting in my car and her on the radio 27 times in a row. Cried and bawling my eyes out. What a beautiful love song. I had no idea the depth of this love song. And then I walk into the parties over and no one's there. I missed my own birthday party. And that's when I said, you know what? The subplot became unmanageable. I don't think this new weed, this synthetic weed is for me. In this case, it was the plot itself became unmanageable. Yeah. Not even the subplot. But I got hung up in this.

41:43I couldn't manage the subplot. I couldn't go, that's a great song. Maybe I'll just listen to it eight times. No, I said, I'll listen to it 27 times. Yeah. and miss my own birthday party. Sonia, there are times where I've, in my career, especially on tour, or maybe I was over-served, I'd become the nicest person in the world. Yeah, you're fun-conic. I want to solve everyone's problems and take care of them forever. And then the next day, I'm like, wait, I said what? Yeah, you do. I said I'd buy you a home? Yeah. I don't even know you. You're like holding court and giving people advice. Yeah, I'm trying to help everyone.

42:17Yeah. Awful. I did that one time. I was up in San Francisco and, uh, I was just subbing in for, you know, I did this play Biloxi Blues. I was, I was an understudy for this play Biloxi Blues. And anyway, Nancy Simon, who, uh, was actually my first wife, but, uh, so she's the daughter of Neil Simon, but, uh, she, so she was directing Biloxi Blues up in San Francisco. And I went up there because one of the actors couldn't do it this weekend. And so I only did like three, maybe four performances, right? But, you know, I knew it because it wasn't that long before that I had been the understudy. So I did the play.

43:04And then we're all having a party after. And one of the ladies who was on the crew and, you know, had a tough life, you know, had some hardship and stuff. And then I was, oh, I forgot to say I had some mushrooms. And so I became totally absorbed in all of this, what she's gone through. And I was like, you know what? I want you to come down to LA. You can stay at my house till you get on your feet. And, you know, we're going to make sure that you, I don't know what I thought she was going to do like i can't remember what her what she wanted to do with her life but anyway i just became completely absorbed and then you know then i sobered up and i'm like what did i do what did i do i'm crazy but you have a you have a consistent habit of having an open heart and inviting people into your future life.

44:10Or yours. Or mine. And so what begs the question, then do you have someone in your life who's at the front door and goes like, yeah, that's not happening. Exactly. That's exactly what happened. I've had to be that guy quite a few times. No, no, not the people you've met. But there's... No, he's doing this routinely. He's out there. That was very consistent. it we go on we go on a greek holiday and and and and my family we we rent the place too bad laura you out there you remember this we rent the place and they and we fly over but they get there before us and we show up and there's two people sitting on tailgate of a truck right in front of our our real place and from a distance we think it's you and laura waiting for us to get there we get out no it's it's it's a javiana and and pocahontas and they're and we're like hey are we at the right place y 'all what's going to they're like yeah hey and we're like who are you no and we're so and so javiana pocahontas we're newlyweds and i what so what y 'all doing well we met woody and laura at the airport oh my getting our luggage and they we they're great man and anyway you how y 'all doing And so we get our bags and I help him get bags.

45:29We move in. He's in the master, already taking the master. Sure. All right. We go over and we're like, we're like, who, who, who, who we got outside? And we was like, oh, aren't they great, man? The Javier. Hey, what's her name, honey? Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're great, man. They're great. I love how you marked your territory of the master bed that I was like, I'm as soon as he's out of the room, I'm going to take it until I look in there. He knows I want to go in there and snitch the master bedroom as soon as he's outside of it. The reason I didn't is I look in the window and he has the top sheet.

46:03And he's got it kind of wadded up in a long string, the whole top sheet. He's got top in this hand in front of him and the back behind him. And he's giving himself a leg. Oh, my God! You're flossing yourself.

46:19He got the master. He kept the master. You flossed yourself. Brilliant. You know, the extreme times call for extreme measures. Yeah. And you had rented the house. Yes. Have you no shame? I know. At long last, sir, have you no shame? No. Pabeyon and Poconics are great, man. Okay. They're going to be with us for a week. Now there is agents. Okay, this leads perfectly into something that I need to discuss. us has woody matthew ever approached you about co-owning a houseboat in amsterdam has he ever mentioned that idea to you no it's a simple question i don't think he wants to own any kind of yacht because he is the number one yacht jumping man that i've ever met in my life for free this guy are you kidding me dude coming out of your mouth.

47:17That's hysterical. What do you mean? Responding kettle. Come on. What are you talking about? Your yachts and your... I don't want to even get into all of these. Hey, I'll pop around on the yachts. Amen. Amen. But most times when I'm ready, it's over. We leave tomorrow. I go on the boat to get on, go to the wharf to get on the plane to go to the next destination. And I look up and you're not... Why aren't you packed? Because I'm not leaving. Or Woody, you're packed. Why aren't you getting on the boat? Because last night I swam over to that boat, introduced myself, and they're taking me for a week.

47:56It's amazing. Never a wallet to be seen either. It's amazing. Boat jumper. You're a boat jumper. He's the best god jumper in the world. Boat jumper. And people are so happy to have him on board, which is obviously why, but you're great at it. In a nutshell, let me tell you what he did to me. I'm done with the, in a nutshell, this guy, you'll speak when you're spoken to. I'm talking to Matthew now. This guy approaches me in this building and he says, Hey Conan, uh, my wife and I are thinking about getting a houseboat in Amsterdam. Do you want to go in on it? 50, 50. I immediately, without asking my wife said yes.

48:36Cause if the house, if the houseboat's a piece of shit, I don't care what it costs. I'll sell things. Being able to walk into a bar anywhere and say, yeah, I co-own a houseboat in Amsterdam with Woody Harrelson. That's a story I can have forever. Think of all the great things that are going to happen from it. And I'm really excited. I go home, I tell Liza, I think we're going to do it. And Woody's going to send me the information. Maybe two weeks later, I watch him doing an interview in here with Ted Danson and you guys are talking to Flea. And I'm just out there watching. I'm like, oh, it's a good interview.

49:08Ted really is good at this. and I'm watching it and Flea's talking. And then you say on the podcast, hey Flea, my wife and I are thinking of getting a houseboat. Do you want to go in 50-50? No mention of me. And then I confront you about it. You're like, hey man, it's all good. So what the hell? I still want to do that. No you don't. 50-54 ways. He's like selling that stock again and again and again. yeah there's no i thought maybe he had gotten to you like checks yeah how many checks do you have for houseboats and there's still no houseboat oh yeah it's sustaining me in the lean years oh man that was a great day in my life when i saw that i was being played in my own podcast building by the master now we're doing that dude oh yeah it's still happening very excited about it very excited about it you guys bring up something on the show your characters who are yourselves you bring up this possibility and there's been a lot written about this that you might possibly be brothers that's something you could easily find out yeah we are we are brothers he's fully convinced he doesn't want to do it's All the DNA.

50:31I'll swab right now. I'll pee in a cup now. I think you peed on the way in. You're constantly leaving DNA wherever you go. All we need you to do is floss with a bed sheet. And then we have everything we need. We got feces, urine, semen. We got all of it in one shot. So. Blood. So you don't want to do. Oh. Oh, no. That was wrong. No, no, no. It was very right. Matthew, you don't want to do the, you don't want to find out. I look, which I kind of respect. I think it's true. I think, I think my mom's bullshit. And just to get, you know, she, if anything's gone too smoothly, my mom loves to throw a wrench in things.

51:15Yep. And, uh, and look, I'll probably do a DNA test, but here's the, here's the problem with the DNA test. It's if it turns out to be true. Oh man. I got to unpack a whole 56 years of what? Yeah. I'm thinking my dad. And if it's not true, he's not going to be near as fun to hang out with. Exactly. That's crazy. No, for a little while, I'll get over it. But look, it's going to be true. But either way, just look at it not as like, you know, I got to repack everything having to do with my dad. Think of it like there was a nice man in my house for all those years. He was a very sweet person. And now I got a new dad who's also dead.

51:57And a couple of brothers. Yeah. And then you got more brothers. You like to sell out to net positive. It's a net gain. It's a net gain. Yeah. That's a nice way to look at it. Yeah. Easy for him to say. I kind of like the not knowing. I think there's a nice mystery to it. But she said, I will tell you that Momac said she'd had a few Kendall Jacksons, a few just the right amount of tokes. And she's just like, I knew your father. And I'm like, that was quite an ellipsis. The way she said K-N-E-W and the ellipsis afterwards, even my five-year-old son read into the innuendo that that meant she must have shagged.

52:39And then come to find out, you know, he had told me before Momac even mentioned this. I just knew this as a part of the lore of his family. When Momac went to give birth to him, she said, come on, Jim, it's time. You know, my water broke, whatever. and uh he says oh i'm not going that's not my son because he's done the math because they've been trying for five years and nothing stuck yeah no because he did the math the math wasn't math and he was he was he was that was during their second divorce that's true he that he actually this is incredible that my that charlie met k it was during a second divorce

53:25is there a hallmark card for i don't think it's mine there i'm just curious we'll look into that later there's a michael jackson song that's true my favorite pita

53:44i don't think that's the title of the song i think you had moved on to a different observation about Michael Jackson. So I just saw one of these shows. How many have you made so far? Eight. There's eight. Yeah. Okay. We had a premiere last night, showed two of them, and I was pleasant. I was thinking, industry audience, how's this going to turn out? They really liked it. It was very loose, yeah. It was fun. I have a mental image I need to share with Matthew, which is a long time ago, probably the late 1990s. I'm in New York. I'm doing the late night show. I'm walking through Central Park and I hear, hey man.

54:21And it's you jogging shirtless. And we had a really nice talk in the Upper West Side and best looking guy I've ever seen at, you know, this massive jog covered in sweat. We had a really nice talk about life and everything. And then you went your separate way. We went our separate ways. And I was schlumping back to my apartment. And I was like, I'm in love with that man. I'm straight. I remember that. But I am in love with that man. I probably gave you a sweaty hug too. You did. Oh, you did. And I had, man, I had, I came home and my wife was suddenly attracted to me. I was covered in McConaughey sweat.

55:01Liza was like, what is this cologne? Let's have babies. But it was like a great moment in my life. that's always stuck in my head. When people say, oh, you know, sexuality, it's a spectrum. I'm like, it certainly is. If you had said right then, come away with me, I'd have gone. I'd have gone with that man. Hey, Conan, you want to get a little houseboat napkin? Yes, I... I've been dying. I've been dying for someone else to ask me that. Bullshit. Absolute bullshit. Well, guys, I mean, it must be... really fun to make this show because you two are authentic human beings who really love each other and you can the chemistry that you have just here in this studio is right there in the show it's just a lovely thing to behold and it's just uh it's it's it's life-affirming to see these guys hang out it really is yay that's great to hear you know it really is it's that's a nice thing to see because it's real and so if you want to write in second season an uptight bostonian coming in you know uh can you do uh any do you speak any farsi can you do an accent i can do i do accents it's what i've learned about acting is that you just say yes to everything okay you know so in other words i don't speak anything no i mean i know i speak spanish but i uh but no You speak Spanish?

56:34I will do what's necessary. I will do whatever's necessary. So I'm just putting my name out there. Can you learn Farsi? I will learn anything. Give him 12 minutes.

56:48You killed it, Sona. Woody, Matthew, thank you so much for being here. Congrats on the new show. And this was an absolute fucking delight. Thank you. Our pleasure. Thanks, brother.

57:05You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing on repeat? You know what I'm talking about? The sweater that goes with everything, the perfect pair of pants. I mean, just perfect. Those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy, and that's what Quince does best. Quince focuses on high-quality wardrobe staples made with premium materials in timeless, versatile styles. These are dependable pieces that you reach for day after day. And it's not just clothing. Quince brings the same approach to everything. hotel quality bedding, bath stuff, kitchen essentials. You're a Quince man, are you not?

57:36I am. I have like jackets from Quince. I have pants and I just recently got like a face tool that is supposed to help my skin. You know what? Your face looks better. Hey, thank you. I'm gonna tell you something. I used to hate your face. Oh. Hated it. But thanks to Quince. And then after you hooked up with Quince and started using your face tool, you call it. Yeah. Why don't you read the box and find out what it's called? It's like a Therabody face tool. There you go. Yeah, don't just say I've got a face tool. It sounds like you bought a gardening rake and you're clawing it past your cheeks. Anyway, Quince, what's not to like?

58:10You know, fantastic stuff. Find your next fall favorite at Quince, download the Quince app for app-occlusive offers, or go to quince.com slash Conan. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's quince.com slash Conan. With the U.S. Bank Smartly Visa Signature Card, you earn an unlimited 2 % cash back on every purchase. Huh, that's a good deal. Yeah. No quarterly activations, no categories to track, just unlimited 2 % cash back on every purchase. Sona, just the other day, I bought you this antique wig stand. Oh. And I didn't get cash back and I regret it now.

58:52Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, that's a very thoughtful gift. Do you wear a wig or is that your hair? Absolutely not. It's definitely my hair. And so it's kind of insulting you would buy that gift for me. Well, I'll just return it anyway, but I do wish I got cash back. Yeah. Visit usbank.com slash smartlycard to learn more. The creditor and issuer of this card is U.S. Bank National Association, pursuant to a license from Visa USA, Inc. Some restrictions may apply. Grainger knows if you're a procurement manager at an industrial manufacturing facility, You're balancing inventory and budget while sourcing critical supplies across the operation.

59:27Too much inventory? Costs climb. Too little? Production slows. Grainger's$2 billion in on-hand inventory helps you get what you need when you need it. So you can help keep budgets balanced and lines moving. Call 1-800-GRAINGER, click grainger.com, or just stop by. Grainger, for the ones who get it done.

59:53I have something very important to talk about today. Oh, okay. On a previous podcast quite a while ago, I mentioned that a fan put up a plaque on the street that I used to live on in Los Angeles way back in the 1980s. I lived in an apartment on Cochran Avenue down sort of by the tar pits. That's a pretty funny way to describe it. Yeah. Where do you live? I'm by the tar pits. I got the apartment from an actress named Cynthia Stevenson. The rent was$380 a month. Oh, dear. And this would have been, I think, 1986 to 1988. That was my sort of part of my origin story was my life on Cochran Avenue when I was driving a 1973 Plymouth Valiant that I had bought from some surfers.

1:00:43Anyway, that's another story. It's your bachelor pad. Oh, such a view of the pits. Yeah. That was my pickup line. Yeah. Do you want to get in a poorly functioning 73 Valiant and drive to my apartment near the tar pit? Yup. But anyway, a fan, a gentleman by the name of Tim Hamill. I want to give him a shout out. Tim. I don't see how that elevated Tim's game at all. That sounded like you were dying and needed him to shoot you. Tim, stop the pain. Tim Hamill put up a plaque. When you say plaque, though, let's be clear. It's a picture of a plaque on foam core. Yeah. Hey, hey, don't harsh my don't.

1:01:27I'm just I'm just saying that's like I put up. It's he put up a I'm just going to call it a plaque. It was made of foam core. But, you know, I think what he did was ecologically sound. Yes. It's very funny, kind of tongue in cheek. I guess it was a nice thing to do. That was a couple of years ago. This piece just came out in a news outlet called L.A. material and it's written by a journalist named Pablo Goldstein wrote a shocker of a piece. Oh, there's a scandal about. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, not since I don't know, like Dewey defeats Truman. This was a massive headline. I'll explain later, Sona.

1:02:07I know it. Oh, OK. I know it. Yeah. I know some things sometimes. OK. Anyway, the plaque is missing. The plaque is gone. The plaque is gone. Where or who took it? The plaque has been stolen. Now, keep in mind, it was made of foam core, so it could have been the wind that took it.

1:02:29The plaque is gone. But we also shouldn't discount the fact that the wind might have done it on purpose. You know, the wind, no fan of mine. Yeah. We both blow hot air. But anyway, this piece describes in harrowing detail how this fixture of the community is gone. And the article says, Conan O 'Brien has been kidnapped and nobody knows who did it or why. What a opener. What a cold opener. A guerrilla Conan O 'Brien monument, which was affixed to a Miracle Mile stop sign with zip ties. No, no. That's vanished. This writer is very funny. Can we take a second to mention that Pablo Goldstein's wonderful writer, fellow, his mother is an iconic actress.

1:03:15Oh, Jeanette Goldstein. She played Vasquez in Aliens. Yes. She played the Irish mother in Titanic. That's putting her two little kids to sleep in the room. She's John Connor's mother in Terminator 2. Wow. She's amazing. That's so cool. Yeah. I did have a problem with that scene where she's tucking her kids into a bed. Why not say, oh, and by the way, in five minutes, ice cold water will shoot in here like a fire hose and drown you. I didn't realize what she was accomplishing there. But anyway, that's not Pablo, your mom. Terrific, terrific actress. And Pablo, I want to thank you for this article because it is really funny.

1:03:52And also, I'm glad that you blew the whistle on this crisis because a Conan O 'Brien plaque, and there aren't a lot of them, not nearly as many as I think there should be, has gone missing. A crisis. It is a crisis. How is this a crisis? Because when you allow something like this to happen, it's a gateway to much worse crimes. Okay? How could anything be worse than this? Yeah. If you let this crime occur and everyone just shrugs their shoulders and says, oh, well, what's the big deal? Soon other foam core plaques are stolen. Do you know what I mean? And the next thing you know, and that could lead to eventually plaques that are maybe made of a more sturdy and valuable material go missing.

1:04:38so you have to nip this in the bud now it's a slippery slope you're i get what you're saying slippery slope is exactly what it is well i mean what do they have ideas about who took it do we have any ideas uh what does the article say isn't it illegal to put up a sign who invited you into this conversation eduardo you're selling a narc bro no yeah man you got the wrong idea here you You know, Eduardo told the authorities and they took it. I'm called a narc. I have to say, this has been this has been Eduardo's bugbear for a long time. Eduardo's always like, I'm not sure that sign's legal. You're the guy that walks around neighborhoods and when someone puts up free guitar lessons, pull a tab, you rip them down.

1:05:21Yeah. That's not an approved sign. Lost dog posters. Yeah. That kitten should find its own way home. There is a WhatsApp group, I believe, that the article talks about how people are talking about it, their concerns. We've got to see what I want to do is shine a light on this. These people are doing the Lord's work. Maybe a dark Lord. I didn't say which Lord. But no, let's get the word out. Who are these people? Well, they're just residents of this area. I think on either WhatsApp or the Nextdoor app, they're talking about how this this like tragedy has befallen their neighborhood. And what are they going to do about it?

1:05:57Also, is the guilty among them? I think they might even be turning on each other. Who knows? There's definitely an investigative podcast to be done about this. I think there is an investigative podcast to be done about this. And I think we're the ones to do it. I think so, too. Can you cue up a little bit of like. Yes. Why don't we start with some music and then I'll read the quote that I myself was quoted as saying. Oh, you're a quote. You got interviewed for this. He got quoted in the article. OK. Yeah. So you talked to Pablo. He emailed me and I just he asked for comment. Can you just make it more exciting that he contacted you?

1:06:29I ran into him at Trader Joe's. No, and you met him in a basement near the Watergate Hotel. Okay, now we're talking. That was your way of making it more exciting, Trader Joe's? Yeah. Can't you bump it up a little bit? Make it an Erewhon, for Christ's sake. Here's what happened.

1:06:49I moved the potted plant on my Washington, D.C. balcony. There you go. Now I'm happy. I slipped on a Macintosh trench coat and a short brimmed fedora. I walked to a cab, took a cab to another cab, got into a cab to another cab. It's too many cabs. It's too many cabs. Visited my lady friend. Then I went to a vacant car garage and met with Pablo Goldstein, codenamed Shallothroat. And he asked me for a quote and I said simply, Conan himself has wisely stated many times on the podcast that all statues and monuments should be made of soap, meaning they should never be permanent, and no man or woman should be vaunted to such heights as to have their visage cast in bronze for all eternity.

1:07:34That being said, I think Conan would still like his to be dumb. Yes, that's true. First of all, people talk about how, oh, what are they going to do and how can we solve this crime? One thing they could do is Tim Hamill could just press print a second time. It's a victimless crime. I mean, for Christ's sake, Tim. For the cost of some toner cartridge. I will pay for the foam core and I'll get you, I don't know how, I'll get you two new zip ties and you can press print. So that's one thing we could do. Second, I will, I will agree right now on the air to have this made in bronze. Oh, yes. But you, but you know what?

1:08:25Gorley's right. You did say that you think that monuments. That's, please. Okay. They should be made in soap. You said that they should just. So you don't want to make it in soap. You want to make it in bronze. You want to bronze. You want to do the opposite of what you have said a couple times. Why don't you just make a statue of you on a horse? Equestrian statue? Yes. Yes, I would love that. Listen, I know I've said that before and I passionately believe that, but I'm doing this for the people of Cochran. I am doing this for I mean, this is a community that passionately wanted to recognize me.

1:08:58At least one of them did. And he wanted it badly enough to print something on foam core and put it up with zip ties. And now I want to help this community heal. And the way to do that, I will get this made in bronze. I don't know what I'm saying right now. How expensive is that? I think that's plenty expensive. But also, is it? You have to have a permit to put something that permanent up. You're going to have to deal with the city. Oh, you're worried about. Have you seen Chinatown? I know what I'm doing. Some people are going to show up dead. You're like, oh, the paperwork. You got to fill out a lot of paperwork.

1:09:34Let's just do it. No, no. What are you going to do? I'm all for it. I said bronze without looking into the cost. I want to make sure that this is reasonable. What is it? I don't think it's going to be that much for me to agree to have this made. Is there another material that's like kind of bronze-esque that you can use instead? How about we just put bronzer on it?

1:09:57I love that idea. We'll use foam core that I put bronzer on. Medium sculptures, two to four feet,$2 ,000 to$10 ,000. Wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no. Two to four feet. This is just a plaque. 12 to 18 inches,$500 to$4 ,000. Oh, Jesus, that's a lot of money. Yeah. Okay, maybe not bronze, but I will find a material that's better than foam core. Okay. How's that? I want to go, and I will pay for it. Now, I understand that there are those who might think, Conan paying to have his own plaque made? That's so sad. I don't see it that way. I think the response - I see it as brave. Conan paying to have his own sculpture in bronze?

1:10:37that makes a lot of sense this is exactly who that guy is how is this brave? I think I am there are probably other people out there that would love a brass plaque with their face on it and I'm letting them know that it's okay oh you're breaking the glass ceiling? the bronze ceiling previously the foam core ceiling anyway quick thanks to Tim Hamill who had this idea in the first place it's very sweet and funny Pablo Goldstein for writing a really funny article. And yeah, let's try and solve the mystery. But if we can't, we've got to get that plaque back up. And I'm going to be driving by Cochran.

1:11:18I do cruise by every now and then and look at my old doorway and reminisce about old times. So I'll be prowling the neighborhood. And that's not a promise. That's a threat. The WhatsApp group just lit up.

1:11:38Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:11:58Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:12:46Hey, this is Will Arnett, host of Smartless. Smartless is a podcast with myself and Sean Hayes and Jason Bateman, where each week one of us reveals a mystery guest of the other two. We dive deep with guests that you love, like Bill Hader, Selena Gomez, Jennifer Aniston, David Beckham, Kristen Stewart, and tons more. So join us for a genuinely improvised and authentic conversation filled with laughter and newfound knowledge to feed the smartless mind. Listen to Smartless now on the SiriusXM app. Download it today. The biggest homeowner mistakes. Do-it-yourself lumberjack. Better leave it to the pros.

1:13:26Doing your own electrical work. The results could be shocking. But letting just anyone replace your windows? Biggest mistake ever. Be a happy homeowner and leave your window replacement to Renewal by Anderson. For a limited time, buy one window or door and get the second 40 % off. Plus$200 off your entire purchase with a minimum of four and special financing. Visit RenewalByAndersonHome.com today.