Molly Shannon Returns

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24:01This is interesting because when you describe your childhood, it's not like mine. And you've talked about this, I know, a lot. And you've talked about it on this podcast. how your dad was very unconventional in some of his thinking. Yes. Because in one way, he's very Catholic and very strict, but in another way, he had these very strange ideas that he was about what it is to have a child. Is that fair to say? Oh, sure, yeah. Like he would encourage, you've never talked about this with me, but he would encourage you to cheat. Yes, yes. He did not care a lot about school. So this is a guy who says no premarital sex, no premarital sex.

24:45And you can't live with someone before you marry them. But if you can cheat to get ahead, do it. He was like that. No, he just he really thought street smarts were like a great thing. You know, learning how to make a buck and make it in the world and school. He would say if I had a big exam and I was stressed out in high school, he would say, can't you get a call in sick and get a copy of the test so you can go in the next day? so he really did not care about school he was so laid back and um yeah he was much more into street smarts isn't that interesting it's fascinating and then yeah so he didn't mind and then if we went to the amusement park like he's like okay if you guys clean out that backyard i'll take you to geauga lake this local amusement park in cleveland and then but then when we got there he was like i don't really want to have to pay so he's like can you guys sneak in oh my god Hop over the fence.

25:39And we were like, but there's barbed wire. We go around. And he was like, just do it, do it. It'll be an adventure. You know what? It's so funny. Because he didn't want to pay. It's funny that he's defining this as street smart. I know. These are just crimes. These are crimes. These are just crimes. These are crimes. This is all illegal. But it must have, I mean. He was wild. He was fun. Yeah. We would go to the movies, right? He didn't. I've told these stories before, but we would go to that movie. and then after the mall or whatever, they would have those gates that they would pull down like at Spencer's Gifts or the wig store or whatever.

26:13And then we saw a wig store coming out of the movies at the mall and he was like, stick your little hand in there and try to pull out a wig. And he was like, you have a little wrist to it. He thought it was the claw game that you get in an arcade. It's like that. You just reach your hand in it and if you can get it, you can, that's a jewelry store, but if you can get your hand in there, you get to keep it. So I pull like wig, wig, wig, From me and him and my friend Anne, and we put them on, and we would die laughing, running out of the mall with our wigs on. No one will ever catch us, they said, leaving the mall wearing three crazy wigs.

26:48Arrest that man in the beehive hairdo. No, there's 100 crazy stories like that. He was wild. He was a rule breaker. But yes, he was traditional. But understand, the Catholic stuff was a little messed up because he ended up admitting right before he died, I said, have you ever thought you might be gay? And he was like, most definitely. And so I think he was conflicted with his what he's not alive to say what he would have been, whether it be bisexual, homosexual. But I did say, have you ever thought you might be gay when he was dying of cancer? Seventy two. We were sitting at the Four Seasons Hotel.

27:25I was on a press conference. He's like, most definitely. and then we talked all about it. So I think the closeted homosexuality or bisexuality was mixed up with the Catholic stuff. Does that make sense? Of course it does, yeah. Because he couldn't fully be who he wanted to be. So I think he had anger about that, not being able to express himself. Yeah. And then it comes out your elbow. It says, this is a phrase I've always thought that I've heard used, which is if you can't admit some essential truth about yourself. You think you can suppress it, but it's coming out in some way. Yes, yes, exactly.

28:03And that means stealing wigs through a grate.

28:07Exactly. I heard this one story that you and one of your friends used to go to a hospital to eat food for free. How would you do that? That's so fun. Well, that's kind of like... Oh, this one's fine. Oh, yeah. No, I don't think we did it. No, we didn't. We would pay for the food, but But it was kind of like, I still feel that way. It was if you've kind of felt in a little bit of a rut, I would try to throw myself into a different atmosphere. Like, oh, let's just go up to the hospital and we'll get lunch and we'll get like cream of broccoli soup and a split-ed tuna-fifred salad sandwich and we can watch the doctors.

28:44And it felt inspiring to be in a different type of atmosphere. I still feel that same way. and when I would when I was first in LA and I was struggling as an actress I would get kind of depressed because I was like oh this is so hard it's such a hustle I didn't realize how hard it was so when I felt in kind of a blue mood I would drive to Ontario, California and I would go to the Wilford Academy School of Beauty and let the young students do my hair and I would get breakfast at Molly's and then I would feel better kind of throwing myself in a new atmosphere right? It's like traveling but like little cheap ways to kind of open your mind.

29:22Yes. Yeah. There is this concept among, you know, neurologists, you have to just keep challenging your brain. You have to just keep changing it up. And then one of the problems is people get into a rut and they're not challenged. So it sounds like the, almost the ultimate way to say, I'm going to go to, uh, you know, I'm going to hang out with some scuba divers just to see what that's all about. Uh, even though I haven't passed any classes and I could easily die underwater. I'm just going to try it. Well, I love reading about brain science and stuff. And I do think if you do feel in that state, sometimes an action can help you kind of get out of your head.

29:58And I think, yeah, so I love reading about that. Also, if you ever felt like, you know, angry or something, if you do, or kind of supercharged, if you do a math problem, also like a subtraction problem in your head, that can also calm down your amygdala. Or Or if you, I just love the idea of thoughts and how you can change your thoughts and stuff to do to help you get out of a little rut or something. Does that make sense? Of course it does. I love reading about that. Yeah. Yeah. Every now and then I'll be doing something and a friend said, well, this doesn't seem very like you. And I think, well, that's good.

30:31Yeah, yeah. Because I want to try. Like what kind of thing, for example? Well, I don't talk about it much on the show, but for years I drive a motorcycle. I ride a motorcycle. and people don't know that. And I do it kind of like, I just like, and you can be another person. You can put on a helmet and then you can just go. And as long as you have a credit card in your pocket, you can pay for gas and you can go anywhere. And sometimes I just feel like I'm a different person when I'm doing that. And I take off for most of a day and come back. And it's very therapeutic because I'm being someone else for a while, which I really like.

31:11Yes, I love that. I also kill people at random. Oh my God. No, you can. You can. If it's completely random, nothing links you to the crime. And then you get away, but you have that feeling of like, I'm choking the life out of you. You know what I mean? And then you run a little quick burial, shallow grave, and then you run away. And then you just feel like I was just that guy for a while. I've done that second one a lot. Oh my God. And I lied about the motorcycle. I mostly just killed.

31:48Anyway, try it. You're going to really like it. I know that you were here to talk about this project that you're doing with Will Ferrell. Yes. And you two have such a unique chemistry and relationship that just goes back. Did you work together before SNL? Or was SNL the time that you came together? Oh, that was the time we came together. I worked at Melrose Baking Company, and Will was in the Groundlings Comedy School across the street. And we had a mutual friend named Patricia Cotter. And she said, Molly, I really think you're going to get along great with this guy, Will Ferrell. And I was like, bring him over to the coffee shop.

32:22So he came over, and I was like, nice to meet you. And what do you want? And he was like, I'll have a scone and a latte. And then we just started talking, and we became friends. We've been friends for over 30 years. We did click right away, just like she said. And I got on SNL first, and Will came shortly after. Yeah, we just right away was like clicked so much and have been really close, close friends for so long. And then you're on SNL together and everything else happens. Yeah. And I really did feel like the press was kind of behind. And when we all first started, all us newcomers, they were kind of like, you know, really hard on us.

32:58And I remember thinking, wow, the press is really behind. They're just kind of copying old press. And Will, to take the, like, to not feel bad, he would hang up the worst reviews about himself on his office door. Oh, man. Isn't that wild to just kind of take the, you know, to not feel ashamed about it? Sure. And I was like, God, good for him. I could never do that. But I remember thinking, they're wrong, and they don't. These people are really good. I'm like, this is good. So it helped me understand the press a little bit where I was like, wow, they're like outside and haven't caught up yet. I remember first hearing about Will and someone said, oh, yeah, I've been hanging out with this new cast member, Will Ferrell.

33:35And at the end of the season, he was dressed as a character on some sketch. And he decided to just keep wearing the costume. Yes. And I don't know if it was like a, you know, like a boiler suit or some kind of over-the-top weird costume. But he wore it for weeks and weeks. And a friend of mine said, yeah, I saw him at the National History Museum. And he's still wearing that outfit. And I said, I don't know who that guy is, but I love that guy. And this is before I knew him. Yeah, I'm thanking the character. I know he loves doing that kind of stuff. And it's so, he's really just entertaining himself.

34:10and it's just so fun and he's so creative. And I think Will, too, is more serious, too, than people would expect. Like, we know his big comedy side, but I know his more serious side and it's so nice. Yeah, it's a real drag. Yeah, it's awful. No, I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? I think what's tough, and I think it's the same thing with you, too, is people would assume you or Will are just kooky all the time and over-the-top people. entertainment machines, and both of you are very soulful, real people. You have a very serious side to you. Yes, yes, very. And do you find that there are people when they first meet you who think they're going to meet the Molly Shannon who's going to throw herself into a bunch of chairs and then they find someone who's really talking to them seriously about an issue?

35:04Probably, yeah. I think I am more serious. I really like to get to know people and if I have time. And I think I'm more a one-on-one and I think I'm shyer than people would think too. But yeah, I do feel that a little bit too. Yeah. And the whole thing too, with critics, like what you were saying too, I feel like I'm very conscious too of like, God, you could so easily, you know, the whole like showbiz is such a hustle. And I just don't like getting into that thing of like going back, like, you're good, you're bad, you're good, you're bad. I think I can really repeat like childhood patterns. And so I try to be healthier, you know, when you think about life and how lucky we are to be healthy.

35:39I just don't really worry about that. I try not to get into that too much. Don't you think having a family helps? Oh my God, it helps so much. It's just my everything. I'm just so glad I'm alive to be there and do it. It affects every decision in my life, my children. I want to be there. I love being a mom. That's my number one. So it makes showbiz less, I'm pretty laid back about it, I would say. You have, yeah, you have like a solid foundation, like a solid basement foundation of this is what matters. Yes. Yeah. Other stuff can come and go. Yeah. And I feel like I just don't want to do that to myself, like rile myself up like that, like never feeling good enough or that you're only as good as your last thing.

36:20I'm like, oh, enough. You know, I want to, I feel like I'm proud of myself and I try not to have to need that so much from the outside. Does that make sense? Yeah. Otherwise, it just feels so unhealthy. And I feel like there can be a nice place to be healthy and be creative and not worry too much about that. I worked hard in therapy to not rile myself up like that. What kind of therapy did you do? I mean, I've done EMDR. And do you know what that is? No, I just said, look like I know what's going on. It's more for like trauma where you do like bilateral stimulation. So if you were nervous, you do the beep, beep, beep, beep, like the little, there's like a buzzer where you would hold the buzzer and you go back into, you could pick like supercharged moments in your life, like a top five where you're like, and feeling scared or whatever.

37:13And the bilateral stimulation kind of will bring it from like a 10 to like a three. So you slowly kind of can reprocess this trauma. Yeah. And so it really, it's great. Did you ever do cognitive? Cognitive, I mean, yes, yes. Cognitive is so fascinating because they say, if you have a good imagination, it can be great. Or you also have a great imagination for bad things. Yeah, that's interesting. My career is over. I suck. I'm terrible. Yeah, yeah. All these things David writes to me every day. Yeah. Oh, my God. Every morning. Just little memos. Yeah. But I start to spiral and go down. And one of the things I learned is write it all down on a piece of paper.

37:53Yes. Walk away from it for 10 minutes. That's great. come back and then read the piece of paper. During a worry time. Yeah. And you read it and like, I'm the worst person who ever lived. And I go, well, no, Stalin was bad. Hitler. I mean, yes, I'm bad, but I'm not that bad. And then, you know. You find evidence contrary to the beliefs. But also a lot of the things you've written down just look silly. Yes. You know, like they just look ridiculous. And so I find that to be, and it's helped me talk to my kids if they have anxiety. all these little tools. But I'm always looking for another thing, you know, because you, okay, I've got those tools, but I'm always looking for the next thing.

38:33Yes, I love that. I love that kind of stuff though, but that does make sense, the act of writing it, that you can put it aside. And then when you go back and look at it, you're like, yeah, I just read a great book called Social Anxiety for the Overthinker. And it talked about that same thing. And I love that kind of stuff. I talked to myself out loud. One of my kids overheard me. I don't want to talk. They're private and stuff. But I was talking to myself in my office and that one of them overheard me. And I was like, just going through these files, it was kind of tedious. And I was like, you're doing a great job, Molls, out loud.

39:09And one of my kids heard me and they were like, yeah, they yelled up at the house, you're doing a great job, Molls. But I wasn't aware that I was doing like a kind of Long Island talk, literally talking to myself out loud, telling myself I was doing a Long Island. And why Long Island lady? I don't know. It just came out. You're doing a great job, Mals. Isn't it? I love that. But no, I love positive self-talk, creative visualization. I feel like life is hard. Like any tools that can help you. For me, it's exercise. Like I have to. Yeah, it's huge. I feel like I'm in great shape, but it's not really about exercise.

39:46It's about it just makes me feel so happy, so good. I sleep better. It just makes me relax. Do you do this? Because exercise releases all these endorphins. Yes. And so what I have found is I'll get on a treadmill and I'll run really hard. It's like, wow, I just did 40 minutes on the treadmill, really, you know, really going all out. And I'm sweating and I get off of it and I'm euphoric. Yeah. I am euphoric. And when I've been on the treadmill, I've had all these ideas. It's like, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to learn how to play the oboe. And I'm going to become a really good oboe player.

40:19Like, I'll come up with all these ideas for what I want to do. And I'm going to take a woodworking course. And I'm going to build a sideboard and give it to my wife on our anniversary. It's going to be made out of maple. And then I'll play the oboe while she's open. I'll have all these ideas. And I'll start looking up stuff online like oboe classes, carpentry classes. And then I get in my car, I drive here to the studio, I get to work and I think, I don't want to do any of that. I don't want to do any of that because my heart rate came down and all of this great stuff that gets released. So I have learned don't make any calls.

40:58Don't make any plans after the exercise period. Just wait a little bit, but it feels so good. Yeah, yeah. That is so, I love it. That's great. I love that you have that inspiration though while you're exercising. If I ever call you right after a workout, just don't listen to me. I'm going to say, like, you and I should get married. We should leave our spouses and marry each other. And I'm going to take a woodworking course. And I'm going to build you a house, Molly. It's going to be the bestest house you ever saw. That is so funny. And then I get to work and your husband's like, what the fuck, man?

41:29I'm sorry, man. I just had a really good exercise session. And I love Molly. Conan, where do you get your work drive from? How dare you speak to me directly? How did you do that when you were fresh out of college? Like, is that from your dad or your mom? Work was prioritized when I was a kid, but I don't think all of us learn that lesson in my family. But I certainly, I don't know. I decided, I remember kind of thinking like in fourth grade, like, I'm just gonna, I didn't know what I was good at. I had no idea that I'd be good at anything. So I just decided, well, if I work really hard, that'll make up for the fact that I'm not good at anything.

42:11I remember thinking that. And so I just started, it's not a cool, you started off by saying, I feel so cool. I'm not a cool person. I just worked really hard when I was a kid in a way that makes me a little sad. I'm really worried about stuff. And the way I combated my anxiety was to prepare really hard for things. And then And that yielded these benefits. And then people later on said, you're really smart. And I thought, I think I just work really hard. But I have a work ethic and I like to make things and I like to work with people and make things. And so I think that's kind of just part of who I am now.

42:56That's great. Sometimes I think about show business. I'm like, you have to be crazy. I think you're from Boston. I'm from Cleveland. And like, I just think, oh, my God, what did I think coming out here not knowing anybody? Like, you have to be kind of crazy to think that you're going to come on. You know, you have to. Don't you think? Yeah. I mean, if you really were to if I were to really have known how much work it would be and what I would have to do in the somersaults and backflips and what was going to. I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe I did it. You know, when I look back. Do you feel that way?

43:27Yes, of course. I look back now and I think we graduated from this really good school and I did well. and I was like, okay, well, I'm going to LA with my friend Greg. We took a People's Express flight out there. Oh, my God. I don't know if you know, People's Express was like, if you had no money, you flew People's Express. You gave them some cash. There was no, you know, it was like flying. You give them the credit card on the plane. Yeah, it was like flying a barn. You could get on a barn and fly. They put wings on a barn and you flew to LA. We took a red eye and Greg Daniels, who's gone on to create every great show.

44:01He did okay. Yeah, he did fine. I go to Greg for loans. We just had this goofy existence, but the only thing I can say is it was like a salmon swimming upstream. Yeah. And did you come out, you guys leased an apartment for a year, and just, did you take jobs while you were taking comedy classes? We did. Well, we had an entry-level job. We had a job at this show. It was on cable. It was on HBO back when, if you wanted to watch HBO, you checked into a hotel or a motel. Because no one I knew had HBO. But we worked on a show called Not Necessarily the News. And we had sort of an entry-level job at that.

44:39But then we would take other jobs. I took some kooky other jobs. So did you come out with just a small amount of money, too? I love your podcast. I know. I know. I love doing the Molly Santa podcast. I have so many questions for all of you. Did I do what? Did you come out with like$3 ,000? How much money did you come out with to LA? I can't remember what I had. I don't, I didn't, we knew that we had this gig. We just didn't know if it was going to last. Okay. So we were under the impression that we were on like a three-week tryout, I think. We just didn't know. Yeah. And so we came out very ready to leave immediately.

45:15Or that was what we kind of told ourselves. This isn't working. We can do something else. But I remember thinking, I'm not leaving. That's so great. I love that. I didn't know all that. And I kept thinking, I just want to have a girlfriend. That was the part. Yeah. And no one would talk to me. That's so sweet. Well, this is very sad. Let's talk about the Hawk because you and Will Ferrell are together. Yes. And again, which is as it should be, Will is out there doing all kinds of insane stunts, which I love. This is the Will we love to see. He's out there 100 % committing to being the Hawk. Yes.

45:52Who is this down and out aging PGA golfer. Yeah. And you are his ex-wife. and tell us a little bit about that relationship. I'm kind of frustrated with him because I feel disappointed. I'm like, oh, these nutty golfers and, you know, I kind of regret. I'm like, I just don't, I'm being very hard on him. And he was great in the past. He was great in the past in his glory days, but now I'm like, oh God, I'm so sick of your bullshit. You know, I'm really tough and I kind of want to do my own thing and not rely on him and I want to pull myself out of this, these world of golfers, these crazy people.

46:28It's all consuming that world. Yeah, how they can compartmentalize things. And and but we have a son. But yes. So but we really do love one another. We're just kind of in a little rocky period. But we truly do love one another deep down. And yeah, it's about our relationship, our family. And we have a son who's a pro golfer. And who's really good, who's really good. Yes, he's excellent. So, yes, it was just it's just that whole world. And yeah, we had a blast shooting it. It was so much fun. I am just going to imagine that when you two get together for a project, it's right back to, could be the third week at SNL that you're together.

47:03Exactly. It is like that. There's a lot of tomfoolery, chicanery. Yes, yes, yes. Skullduggery. Yeah. We had one day where we were shooting and there was a little stunt woman who was hired and her name's Sandy Gimple. But Will said, he was like, Molly, did you see when Sandy was taking a rest on the ground during when we weren't shooting? I was like, well, of course I noticed. You know, she's like flat on the ground sleeping. And we notice the same things that we think are funny. Or, you know, it's just it's an absolute joy. We talk about our kids. I'm really close to Will's mom and dad. Will was really close to my dad.

47:39It just feels like family in all honesty. And Will is so professional. This is what I always tell people. He is the most professional, most prepared, most thoughtful. You know, just like he's just the best. you better be on your A game because he, Ferrell is ready to go. But see, that's another misconception. People would see a Will Ferrell or you Molly. And they would think, well, they're just wacky and they get together and they're crazy together. And then they roll it. They don't understand that there's just an immense amount of preparation and professionalism that's required to get to that space.

48:12And then there can be some improvisation, but that's like the frosting on the cupcake. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. He's sitting there and he's like, and he can look at the scene and go, yeah, we could lose that. I guess we could cut that. You know, he's looking at the writing very technically and excellent, you know, so it is just all those things, but he is there before everyone ready to go and memorizes really fast too. Like he'll have these giant scenes where I'm like, wow, you, you, you started memorizing that last night. That's hard. You know, he's just a pro. And, um, so it just feels so fun.

48:45It's just working, working with your friend and it's just, It's the greatest. I feel like there's no greater joy than when you get to work with people you love. It just doesn't even feel like work. That's truly how I feel. Well, that's how it's so many people in the world have to do a job that they don't maybe love or have a connection to. Yeah, yeah. And anyone who gets to do anything like what we're doing. And it's not just in the arts or in comedy or entertainment. It's just, you know, people that really love what they do. That is the ultimate gift. It is the ultimate. Greatest way to go through life.

49:20Yeah. And you should never, I think it's so important to not, but to enjoy where you are and not be like, oh, I'm only as good as this last thing. It's just, it's, it's, it's just, I try to. Doesn't that come with age though? It comes with age. I try to just enjoy, like, I'm like, if you can't be happy, I had a, you know, when you think about life, how precious it is and health, I just think, I don't want to live like that anymore. I had a, my childhood was up and down. You're good. You're bad. You're good. You're bad. It's like, I'm not going to do that anymore. I don't like that. This life's too short.

49:51So what I want to say is, yes, it makes you appreciate. I don't like buying into that you're only as good as your last thing. I think if you do work that is meaningful to you and you love it, that's all that matters. Because like I said, I've seen people become superstars who feel like they're only as good as their last movie. And I'm like, I don't want to live like that. Like, if they're like that, I should just enjoy my level where I am. Do you know what I'm saying? Of course. Well, there's also, there's a lot we can't control. yes so if you're quote only as good as your last thing that you did you have very little control over that yeah you know there have been things i've been involved in that i thought were just the most amazing thing ever and it didn't no one talks to me about it doesn't go anywhere and then there are other things where everyone just loved it and i don't remember the difference there's just other currents things that are happening this is a very this isn't i'll say this you came in with this energy okay this i'm not you're not being punished you look very upset no no you can't you come with this energy that i'm just going to call this is going to sound very la and crunchy but you come in with this energy that's very healing it's true and and very positive uh and i just absolutely uh love talking to you uh you have always been, I mean, you, you came on my show so many times through over the years, you would always come on and be just outrageously entertaining.

51:21But I also knew that you were the highest quality person. You really are. And so to have you and you coming in today and just everybody is irradiated in this Molly Shannon glow. It's a, it's a lovely thing. Well, you know, thank you, Conan. That means so much. Well, I, I feel like I could almost get choked up. You know that I feel the same way about you. And I remember two years ago, you were so nice. Conan's exactly the same all the time. Like you treat everyone with respect and kindness and you make everyone feel good. You have that ability, that gift. You were that way with my father. But I wanted to say too that if I get fucked up about comedy or thinking too much about competition or sure, everybody has it.

52:01Oh, he's doing that. I just think when I really want to get back to be grounded, I think really I do it to make people feel good. Like I like when people feel happier. They're like, I love that. That is really all it's about. You won't get fucked up. It's a, it's, I'm an entertainer. It is a giving. It is, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I do. And if you think about it that way, like a service almost, then you're not going to be so self-centered about it. Does that make sense? Yes. And I want to enjoy my life on earth as an artist, not be like, you know, I don't want to be that way, competitive or, you know what I mean?

52:34Exactly. I do know what you mean. But I still want others to fail. You know what I'm saying? I want people who aren't me in comedy to fail. No, that's not what Molly said. Wait, is that not what you... No, that is the complete opposite. I agreed with what Molly said, and all I'm adding is... No, no, no. But I want others to fail. Yeah, no, you missed the point completely. I want to do better, not because of my own abilities. I want them to fail so that I rise. I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see what I'm saying? No, still completely. Okay, well, whatever. I think we pretty much said the same thing.

53:06It's okay. Conan, listen, getting back to the Irish thing, because my Irish thing was that my dad could be tough, you know, this and that. My mom died when I was little. So much of me getting into it was a bit of a painful thing. Like, my dad really would have loved to have been an actor. My mom died. I thought, well, if I get famous enough, I'll bring my mom back from the dead. It was very sad stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I still have to ask myself, do you really still want to do this? Is this really you? Do you, do you, you know, I really have to check in with that, you know, but that's my point going back to the Irish stuff of it was it has some dark stuff.

53:43Of course it does. You know what I mean? Really dark. Do you relate to that? But also, of course I do. Yeah. Yes. There's also the, am I doing this because in some way I'm not, like what's the whole wanting to make everyone laugh? Is there an unhealthy part of this? Is there a part of this which is revenge? revenge. Like I can make everyone happy because maybe some people weren't happy, but now I'll make everyone happy. And is this unhealthy? And if you get healthy, does that mean you can't do this anymore? All the dark stuff. I had, I just got my star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And I feel like congratulations.

54:18And Will gave the speech. Will gave the speech. That was so nice. But I was going to say, I get very shy when people have to show up from me. That makes me shy. I can go be a celebrity by myself alone. But if people have to come for me, I get like, oh God, I'm going to disappoint you or even at SNL. Will would always bring tons of friends to the show. He'd have like us. You know, he has so many friends. And I was always like, I would prefer strangers because I felt like if a friend's going to come, they're going to get disappointed and they're going to want to leave. This is me. I mean, everything you're saying is if there's a thing where people which hasn't happened a lot, but something like the Twain Award where people come for Conan O 'Brien, I was mortified, really mortified that like people I don't want people to have to get, no, they're flying in, they're flying in.

55:03No, and they're going to prepare, they have to prepare stuff. And I had done it for other people and felt fine doing that because I loved the people I was showing up for. Yeah. But I couldn't see it the other way, so I was kind of mortified. Yeah. And then everything you're saying, I always, when I was doing the late night show or any show, and people were like, yeah, and guess what, your friends, I'm like, no, no, what do you mean they're here? Yes. Oh, no, now the show has to really be good. Oh, yeah. Yeah, because if it's a stranger, it's like there's nothing, you know. Yeah. Yeah. When I would do SNL, if I did invite a friend, I have to give them a list of rules.

55:36I was like, don't, you know, because they'd be like, more Molly. And I was like, oh, my God, like, really? Don't. If you knew how hard it was, you're just going to make me feel bad. So I had like a list of rules, like, save it. You can't save this. Like, I already am hard on myself. Like, so no more. More Molly in the show. It's like, of course. My least favorite is occasionally. There's an etiquette. when you come off a show, I know, first of all, you're always going to be great. But no matter what, oh my God, great show, Molly. That's what you do. And that's what you would say to me if I came off stage.

56:07I love people that come up and go, how do you think it went? Oh my God. Is that right? Yeah, I bet. How do you think it went? I don't know. How do you think it went? I'm just curious what you thought. Oh, well, I guess I should get out of the business. All right. We have to wrap this up. Okay. But Molly, I adore you. I love you. You're so great, and you live in this neighborhood, so can we get lunch? Wouldn't that be nice? Let's do a lunch sometime. Yes. It will be very serious. Serious lunch. No joking, Conan. So serious. No bits? I'm gonna break you down, baby. No bits.

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57:28Big news, Sona Yeah? Did you know T-Mobile recently partnered with the National Park Foundation? No way! Yep, they're making it easier to stay connected So you're free to wander Well, that's really cool And I love a national park, I really do I do too Now, there's one thing you have to have if you're doing that Good signal, it's a priority Do you know what I mean? You got your maps, your music, this podcast Yeah So take America's best network plus their off-grid satellite coverage with you. Look, we're all a little spoiled, but we like to have access to all our stuff. And suddenly you don't have it because of a bad single.

58:00That's when I throw my phone into the Grand Canyon. Oh, okay. Literally filled half the Grand Canyon with phones. Then I got T-Mobile and never had to chuck them again. You know? Good. So wander over to T-Mobile.com and switch. Best based on analysis by Ookla of speed test intelligence data for 2H 2025. Wow, that's some sentence. T-satellite with capable device in most outdoor areas in U.S. where you see the sky. That's important. You got to see the sky. Service may be limited or unavailable. Included with experience beyond or$10 per month. Auto renews. Cancel any time. That was probably meant to be said by a robot really quickly, but I just did it slowly so you could really understand.

58:42Disclaimer, please do not throw your phone into the Grand Canyon.

58:48Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first, but didn't live up to the hype? Yeah, like all the time. Yeah, I did that with an all-potato restaurant. Oh, no.

59:00Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sonia? Oh, yeah, all the time. Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that, bullspend. Bullspend. Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bull spend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend$250 and get a$250 credit. Go to LinkedIn.com slash Conan. Terms apply. Bits. No bits. No bits. It's like a no shoes, no shirt, no service. No bits. Can you do it? I think I can do it. It will be deadly serious, so get ready.

59:42It's going to be my dinner with Molly. Like my dinner with, it's just going to be the same thing. Like serious. All right. This was a joy, a pleasure. I love this office. What could be better? Everyone loves you. I mean, this is so, thank you so much. More on that. Everybody loves you. Thank you guys. So nice. Molly Shannon day is a fun day. I've tried to start shit, you know, start saying, I've said shit about you to try and get negative stuff out there. And it doesn't take. No, no, no. No one, people, I'm just like, You know, Molly Shannon, I think she's kind of like, no, what? Yeah. He talks so much shit about you.

1:00:18Yeah, and it doesn't take. It won't take. That's hysterical. I'm going to try again later today. Yeah, good luck. All right, guys. Thank you for having me. Wow. Yes.

1:00:35My assistant, David Hopping, has entered the room, And you have an announcement to make, you said? Yes. So. I do not know what this is, by the way. Oh, I think you're going to like it. So. Your doctor just called. Every once in a while. And he says the tests are back and you're hilarious. No. Okay. So every once in a while, I will get tagged in different TikToks about Conan. And last night I opened up TikTok and I had like a bunch of notifications. So I clicked it. And we all know Toy Story 5 just came out. you play smarty pants there is an entire side of tiktok that find themselves attracted to smarty pants and it's not like just a few these videos have like over a hundred thousand likes each and all the comments are about how weird it is to be attracted to a potty training toy what and i sent eduardo some of them to pull up to show you let's check this out multiple levels Ew Hold on

1:01:39Oh god It says hear me out 148 ,000 likes on that video Oh my god Excuse me Does it not occur to you that maybe this was my intention When I brought this character to life No kidding Walk us through your process Well I have a lot of riz I think is what the kids say. Is that right, Sona? I don't know. I'm not well. You're not well? This is so gross and disturbing. This is like - I didn't see this one coming. I have to be honest. I tried it. You can say I tried for a second to go with it. Yeah. And be like, yeah. And then I realized I can't. Oh, there's more? Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

1:02:20You want Smarty Jam? Give me that. I want it. I want the five. Give me that. Give me that. Oh, I want the five. Give me that. Oh, God. No. The internet needs to go away. I know you're not supposed to kink shame, but shame on you. Yes. No, yeah. For this, we can kink shame. Really? This is kink shameable. This is kink shameable. You are a potty training toy in a children's movie, and people are like, what are we doing? There's so many hot cartoon characters out there. David. Oh, you do tell. There's a lot of hot cartoon characters out there. So you're saying it's not just that I'm a cartoon character.

1:02:58It's that there are other far more worthy. Yes. Sexual. Yes. Let's hear who they are. Off the top of my head. I mean, this is not in a cartoon, but recently I was reading a comic book and I was like, when did Superman get like this hot? Like there's been a lot of illustrated characters I have responded to recently. I just I can't think off the top. But not fucking Smarty Pants. Not that. That is ridiculous. I'm sorry. You can't see it. What about the there's a section where Smarty Pants has my hair, you know, It's a dream sequence, a fantasy sequence. Are you asking me if them adding one of your characteristics makes it more attractive to me?

1:03:38Yes. Yes, Senator. That is my question. The answer is a hard no. And it's even more no. The gentleman from Boston will yield his time. I yield my time and I also ask for a weapon to kill myself. I know that doesn't usually happen in a Senate subcommittee hearing. No. But if there's a weapon present, I will use it. You should be arrested. No, this is weird. Okay, so... I don't know. No. David, give us your thoughts, because you discovered this. I was shocked whenever I clicked on it to see what this was. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know what to say. The world is not well. No. I mean, there's hot cartoon characters.

1:04:22Again, you keep saying that, but you don't... I think we can all agree Jessica Rabbit is a hot broad. We all want to bang. Right? And then, like, even me. And I think that there's hot cartoon characters. You are a hot cartoon character. Oh, yeah. No, I want to bang her. But I'm saying there's hot cartoon characters. You are a potty train toy. We've got to think of another one. Who's another hot cartoon character? David, you're probably thinking of someone. Any of the, like... Well, now we're going to... I think I just had a stroke. Now we're going to take a look into your psyche. Well, like, Galator.

1:04:50Should we... Galator. Like, He-Man can get it. He-Man? Yeah. He can get it? Sure. Scarlet? from G.I. Joe. Are you saying Lady J? Yes. Are you saying He-Man fucks? Yeah. I think He-Man fucks. Guess what? Skeletor fucks. Skeletor doesn't fuck. Skeletor. Jared Leto playing Skeletor? He fucks, unfortunately. Unfortunately. Skeletor is DTF. Yeah. Yeah. He bones. He bones. There you go. Nicely done. Nicely done, Blaine. No, I remember my friend had a thing for Gambit from X-Men. That, like, he's hot. That's a cartoon character? Yes, from X-Men, Gambit. But I just, This is one of those things where you're like, people don't need to post everything on the internet.

1:05:33Because he's not a human. That's the problem. You're not a human. He's a machine. He's for kids. Is he kind of a childlike? Well, I think he has many of my qualities. So yeah, probably a little bit childlike. It's just on many levels. I would do Woody before I did Smarty Pants, I think. All I know. Or Buzz Lightyear for sure can get it. All I know is that a Vance. Well, you know, you can get him if you just go to the store. I only know. For ranking the Toy Story 5. All I know is that a minivan packed with Disney lawyers is driving from Anaheim to this podcast studio right now at 110 miles an hour.

1:06:16And you know what? Anyone who goes to see Toy Story 5 the day after this comes out is going to see just pixels where I used to be. Yes. And a burn mark on the screen. I think that's for the best. We lost any chance of you being in the sixth one. Actually, anybody that goes to see the movie is going to be put on a sex offender list from here on out. And has to go door to door in their neighborhood. No, they're going to stop the film the minute my character's about to come up and go, all right, you perverts. We got you. Clear out. Clear out. Raid. A vice raid. Clear out. You in the raincoat. Get out.

1:06:52Oh, God. Oh, my God. No, even Wally before Smarty Pants. I have a list. Can I say what? I have a list. Now you're just being mean. No, I'm not. Wally? Wally is like sentient. And he got Eve. And sensual, apparently. Yes. No, he landed Eve. There's like a thing to him. There's a sensitivity. You know what? There's nothing about your character. That's just, what are you talking about? I'm adorable. I mean, you're talking about pee-pee and poo-poo most of the time. A lot of your humor is like pee-pee and poo-poo humor. I based him on you. I saw what the character was and I said, oh, you want the Sona.

1:07:30Okay, this is happening. Those people up there putting this upper into some weird shit. Well, listen, I think the only way to decide this matter is for everyone to go see Toy Story 5 in theaters now. And guess what? The van just turned around The van just turned around It just did a hard 180 And it's headed back to the Magic Castle Oh my God Alright, peace out Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian And Matt Gorley Produced by me, Matt Gorley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross And Nick Liao Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

1:08:20Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts And you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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