Move Motherf@#$er!

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Hi, Rianne. Welcome to Conan Needs a Friend. Hi, Rianne. How are you? Oh, gosh, this is really afternoon. Hi, I'm great. How are the two of you? It was very nice to meet you, Rianne. Tell us, where are you right now? I'm in Taguig, Metro Manila, Philippines. The Philippines. And how do you pronounce it again? Taguig? Yes. Oh, you did pretty well. Yeah, Taguig. Just say I did very well. It sounded a little patronizing. Yeah. Don't say pretty well. Next time, say very well. Okay.

0:46Rianne, it's nice to meet you. And you're from Taguig, Philippines. And I've never been to the Philippines before. Maybe you could tell me a little bit about yourself. What do I need to know about Rianne? I'm 29, but I stand at 4 '10". So even for a Filipino, I am quite short. Okay. So average height for women is about 5 '2". I struggle a lot going through life as a vertically challenged person. Well, Rhiann, I am also a vertically challenged person, but the other way. So there are problems. I'm a bit on the tall side and I'm always smashing into things. People laugh at me. They play circus music when I walk through the room.

1:32So I do have some sympathy. Tell me, you struggle. What things do you struggle with being four feet ten? What do you struggle with? So there are a lot of just the world isn't built for short people. I think you genuinely have it better. So just going to the grocery is a challenge. I don't like going without my boyfriend because I don't like asking for help to reach the top shelves. Sometimes going to the theme park. Can I ask you how tall is your boyfriend? he's 5 '7 might not seem tall to you but he's taller than i am yeah to you he's like the rock you know exactly yeah to me once you hit 5 '5 there is no difference between my boyfriend and conan you're all tall to me so yeah we're all just up there in the clouds exactly so you don't like going to the grocery store and you said you don't like going to theme parks?

2:35Yes. Always a tense moment finding out whether I can go on a ride or not. Driving is a challenge. I have to sit on a pillow to see over the dash. Wow. And what about your feet? I mean, the pillow will get you high enough, but what about your feet? What do you do there to reach the pedals? Exactly. So there is a perfect ratio. I do not like other people driving my car because it moves the seat. And then you gotta find the ratio again. So that's a challenge. You get mistaken for a child a lot. Your life, yeah. People think you're a child? They pat you on the head and things? Exactly. Especially when we're traveling in the States, I get carded a lot and they don't accept our driver's license, so I gotta grab my passport and whip it out um one time a tsa agent we were going through so i went through and then he was like to my mom minors gotta be accompanied by adults and my mom was like she's 22 she's not a minor and the guy was genuine you are not 22 so wow okay so you've struggled with this um and are you do you like to drive once once you are driving are you and you've got the seat just right and you've got the pedals just right and you're comfortable.

3:59Are you a good driver? I am a competent and law-abiding driver. I may have a bit of road rage when it's deserved. Okay. The way you said deserved was insane. You haven't driven in the Philippines. You would understand if you were here. Okay. can we act out your road rage? Because I want to see, Rianne, what it actually looks like. So I'm driving, you're driving and then I'm in a car next to you. I'm driving a bright red Buick LeSabre and I suddenly cut you off in my bright red Buick LeSabre. Show me what you would do. Fuck. Move, motherfucker. I'm just kidding. It's probably a lot more like I swear Wait, do you always...

4:55Do you always... Do you always giggle in between move and then motherfucker? Do you always go move? Yeah. Motherfucker. You're like the Joker with Tourette's.

5:12So, say it to me again how you would do it in the Philippines. I just want to hear it. The whole thing. The whole run. I just cut you off. Go! Fucking move, motherfucker. Yeah. Nice. Don't be apologetic. That's I mean, let's get that out on a rap track. You know, move, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah. That would be a hit. I think I want her to say it, though, specifically because you have a good like you're I could tell you get angry. Yeah, I'm the same. Come on. One more time. Let's hear it. Yes. Don't stop giggling. Move, mother. No, stop giggling. I need you to show me your true rage. Rianne, you're not talking to Conan O 'Brien on a Zoom from the Philippines.

5:56This is real. Three, two, one, go. Move, motherfucker.

6:07I love the laughing afterwards. I keep thinking about how my mom's going to listen to this. Oh, your mom isn't going to hear this. Does your mom even know who I am? Oh, yeah. My parents love you. You're their favorite late night host. Oh, that's nice. My dad thinks you're hilarious. Oh, good. Well, they sound like lovely people. I think my mom likes you. My mom likes you the best because you're the one that went to Harvard, she says. Wow. She's an Asian mom. Always the best sign of who's funny. The funny one must have gone to an Ivy League school. Because that's where the funny people come from.

6:44So your challenges in life, if I can sum up, Rianne, are that you wish you were a little taller, right? Because you are, did you say four foot 10? Mm-hmm. Okay. And you have to rely on your towering boyfriend who's five foot seven. You don't like going to the market and you don't like going to theme parks because they think you're a child. Yes? And then you have an insane road rage when you're driving through the Philippines. Is that right? Yeah. What about concerts? It's insane. Exactly. Yeah. Sona, you get me. I do. I never, I never like sit in the, or stay in the mosh pit section because I'll get crushed and I will not see anything.

7:29So I stay up in the stands where it's safe and I can see things. Yeah. But also, you probably have a good view sometimes, but then someone else stands in front of you and blocks your view and you want to get mad at them. But then it turns out it's an eight year old.

7:50not an eight-year-old i'm sorry i meant to say nine-year-old

7:58um uh well you seem like i know that you have these challenges but you seem like you're having a good life you seem like a happy person yeah pretty happy i guess i've adapted to it like you change your personality a little bit when you're tiny to keep up with all the other talls of the world you call us the talls is what you call us yeah yes we're like the white walkers the talls are coming i can only be killed with a with blue ice yeah the shorts have their own organization and we refer to you as the tall shorts versus the talls well let me ask you something rianne if i were to come visit you what kinds of things would we do together well first i think i need your help to run errands i think if it's okay with you i would like your help first to just generally send a message of unity with talls and shorts in general.

9:03Oh, you want me to go with you, run errands, right? Because I can use my height to assist you. Exactly. But you also want me to be kind of an ambassador? Yes, exactly. Just to show people that short and tall people can coexist and help each other. Yes, yes. It's like that song, Ebony and Ivory. Exactly. Except there isn't one for tall people and short people. And we need that. So we'd write one of our own. Yeah, we'd write maybe a song about how tall people and short people should all live in harmony. Correct. And then after that. I don't think tall people and short people are constantly at war.

9:45I don't think there's a big battle. The talls versus the shorts. I don't know if. Yeah, I don't know if that happens. But at concerts, like you probably have stood in front of a shorter person. I love to do that. Conan! I love to sit in front of a shorter person, wait till the really good part in the concert, stand and then put on an Abe Lincoln hat. Just to completely block. I think it's funny. What a dick. Yeah. That's awful. Yeah, I wear a t-shirt that says I'm a dick.

10:26Hey, Rianne, do you think that because of your size, you say it affects your personality? How does it affect your personality at work? Do you ever think you overcompensate at work? Maybe not overcompensate. Just be a bit more assertive. because sometimes if I say something, maybe during a meeting, the reaction can be a little bit like, good job, kid. Great, great idea. No, that's very, that's patronizing. Our new intern is just, yeah. And they like to, they always end up calling me Riri. I never introduce myself as Riri. It feels like a microaggression. Like, why are you diminutizing my name? Yes, your name is, I mean, if people call you RiRi, they should have your permission.

11:20You should be telling them that's my name. People are calling you RiRi without your permission? Mm-hmm. I think it makes, it matches the visual more. Yeah. In their mind. I don't like that. That has to be with your permission. And maybe if I'm with you, because I'm not just tall, but I'm also very strong. Mm-hmm. And a good fighter. Mm-hmm. Quiet. are you oh okay okay and she's surprised hey cool it cool it riri no but what i'm saying is i would um i would stick up for you if i was with you i would stand next to you and i would stick up with you and no one would call you riri when i was standing next to you okay no one would block your view no one would be condescending and uh i would be your protected your guardian angel what do you think of that i think that sounds perfect and would very much like for that to happen do you do you think knowing what you know about me that i'd be accepted uh in the philippines i think there's a lot of places you wouldn't fit like generally stuff is built so i was looking around my office the other day genuinely thinking that weather.

12:40Would Conan fit into this? Would Conan fit into the elevator I just got in? I think... I'm sorry, I meant culturally accepted. Culturally. Not what I physically fit through the doorway. Right, right. Are you living... Rianne, are you living in Legoland? I mean, what's going on? No, no, no. Culturally, we're typically very welcoming. we're a super friendly population. But I think what might help you more is if you claim to be a little bit Filipino. You say you're 99 % Irish, right? 100%. 100 % Irish. Oh, I... Okay. So you're saying I should... You think I should lie and say that I'm... I have some...

13:29I'm part Filipino. Is that what you're saying? Mm-hmm. Because Filipinos will claim anyone who just has like 1 % Filipino DNA and immediately love you. They'll go kababayan, which means like countryman. Okay. Well, I don't want to be guilty of cultural appropriation, but if I have your permission to lie and say that I'm 1 % Filipino, then I think I have your permission. I can do it. Yeah. I mean, is it a lie or can we just not know definitively? It's a lie. It's an absolute lie. Yeah, it's such a lie. No one looking at me thinks there's any. An iota. Iota of Philippines. Of anything that's not just a white Irish man.

14:14Okay. Not even a tiny little drop of anything. Not a point, like 2 % of you. Nothing. No, it's possible. No, it's not possible at all. I could be Cuban. Okay. Very, uh. Tan up real nice. Tan up real nice. Rianne, this is a good, this is a good education for me. I'm going to tell you, here's what I'm going to say. I think that you seem like a very funny person. You have a good sense of humor. I like, I like your, I like Rianne's personality a lot. I like Rianne too. I like you a lot. I think you're cool. Yeah. You seem really cool. And so I bet you're getting through life just fine. Even if you're a little shorter than you'd like to be, you know, I don't think that's getting in your way.

14:59Are you in your apartment right now? Cause there's a cat behind you yeah i just know this here as well yes i went home and that's my cat that's your cat what's your cat's name cat cat it's a it's a type of small orange your name for your cat is cat cat cat cat cat okay very good okay and that's your sofa behind you is that sofa i'm sorry i'm just i don't know. I don't know what. Is that your sofa? That's that's that's sofa behind you in your apartment. Is that yours? It's called fishing. I'm the fishing magician. Can you wear heels that are as high as you can possibly want them to be? And you're you're like, you know, that's the thing that's cool is that you could wear the highest, highest heels, like six, seven inch heels.

15:53Have you ever done that? Have you ever put on heels that make you six or seven inches taller? Not six or seven inches. Maybe four inches. But they hurt. I know, but sometimes the things we have to do, you know, if you put on seven-inch heels and then you wore a Burger King crown, you'd be a very tall drink of water. It has to be a Burger King crown, though. I'm sorry. Which they would give me because they think I'm a child. Yes, unfortunately, that's true. Yeah. Does that ever happen where you go and they give you kids toys and things because they think you're a kid? Oh, I get given the kids menu quite a bit in restaurants.

16:38Oh, really? Which is fine. Kids menus are fun. Yeah. Do you like chicken nuggets and french fries? Yeah. Have they ever handed you the - Macaroni and cheese. Have they ever handed you crayons with your menu? Oh, no. I don't think that's a thing here. Okay. Probably if it were, they would have. Okay. That's an American thing. They give the kids crayons. Do they do that with your kids? All the time. Yeah. Yeah, it's cute. Yeah. It's sweet. Yeah. Yeah. It's appropriate for those kids. Okay. Rhianne, it's called editing and we're going to do some, but this is fantastic. We've got everything we need.

17:12I mean, it's really great. And I think you and I would have a good time if we went to the Philippines. What kind of errands would we run together? Going to the grocery store is one. backing me up at work probably helping me stand if I were going to like say an improv show or a drag show where it's standing room only maybe you could help muscle the crowd so I can see better or you say you're strong just lift me on your shoulders so I can see better at the shows okay that's all that all sounds like stuff I could do create a barrier around her some people can't Yeah, I could create a barrier. There's a natural barrier that comes with my celebrity.

17:57People are like, oh my God, it's Conan O 'Brien. And they tend to step back. I'm going to say in awe, which isn't true. But I could help you. I'd help you. You want me to come all the way to the Philippines so you have a better view at an improv show. Correct. Sounds like a great use of your time. Wouldn't you agree? I'm not nothing else much. So I might as well do that. You could be like her, her, her bodyguard, you know, and then walk around. And also you add extra inches with your hair. Maybe you could pompadour it up a little bit too. I mean, just a lot of, I don't know, illusions. You mean me?

18:36You, you add inches to your height with your hair. I mean, maybe she can do her hair. So that's a little higher. Rianne could do a Conan. Yeah. If you had my hairstyle, you'd be six inches taller. no you don't want maybe yeah maybe i should stick to my lane it looks great on you looks great on you thank you love it yeah love it for me just not for any other human um and tell me just before we go about your boyfriend uh what's his name carlo carlo and He's a good guy. Yeah, he's a lawyer. So that comes with a lot of hurt. Okay. He's a good guy. He's a lawyer. Yeah. Well, I look forward. Maybe I'll meet Carlo too.

19:26Is that possible? Yeah, he's also a big fan. We love to listen to the podcast together. Oh, good. You listen to the podcast together. Good. I don't want Carlo to be jealous or anything if I come to town, you know? Sometimes.

19:43all the time. It's such a hard laugh. Why are you laughing at the very idea that Carlo would be jealous of me? No! I'm a threat. Who's laughing? I think I'm a real legitimate threat to any male. Why would you laugh at that, Rhian? I was... Okay. Forget it. I'm decided no Philippines. You are a legitimate threat. I was laughing at him. I was laughing at... Now you sound like a hostage. Yeah. you are so scary well Rianne you're really funny and you seem really nice and cool and I hope our paths cross but in the meantime I want you to walk tall because your spirit you have the spirit of a giant and that should be enough don't you think?

20:32It means a lot coming from a giant well thank you very much Rianne and you take care Thank you and you guys take care too Bye bye Nice to meet you, bye bye

21:10Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.