Muahaha

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Please. Yes. Hey. Hi, Tom. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien. He's a fan. Nice sweater. Wow. Thank you. Good job. First of all, Gourley on just being so positive so quickly. Tom, so nice to see you. I see you have your Christmas tree in the background. It looks dark where you are. We're in Los Angeles. Where are you? I'm calling from Dublin, Ireland. Oh, you're in Dublin. Look at that fine Irish cable knit fisherman sweater. Christmas tree. I live in a life. I just want to trade places with you.

0:46I'm sorry, Mr. Gourley is making this sound like the Home Shopping Network. Tom here is wearing a fine cable net sweater. It's gorgeous. It's made of a fine Dublin weave. Sir, tell us, and Tom, what's your last name? Lawler. Okay, Tom Lawler calling from, or calling, I guess zooming in, calling, whatever you want to say. Appearing to us magically from Dublin, I love Dublin. I love the few times I've visited there. I've had a fantastic time. Yeah, you've been a few times. I've been a few times. One of the times I went, I met up with a bunch of other, well, very famous Irish comedians from Ireland who were all hilarious.

1:30And we all did a show together at the ambassador's residence in Phoenix Park. And I thought these are the funniest people I've ever met. And then all of us got into a cab to go into Dublin to get a drink. And the cabbie was funnier than all of us. And I thought that's Dublin, do you know? There's just everyone's just super high professional level funny. So no pressure on me then for the rest of this. Well done. Well, we can always say later on that you're, you know, you're going through a depressive period, you know? And so that gets you off the hook. Tom, tell me a little bit about yourself. Well, so I live in Dublin, as you know, and I right now I'm the co-director of a festival here in Dublin that the city started a number of years ago called Bram Stoker Festival which is basically a way of celebrating the life and legacy and work of Bram Stoker who wrote Dracula yep and and so this is interesting to me because I don't have to say I admit I don't know much about Bram Stoker obviously his work is very famous but i don't know much about the man himself was he irish yeah he was irish and i think part of that one of the big reasons the festival was started was was i guess to kind of reclaim him as an irish author right so everybody knows joyce and beckett as irish authors but i think a lot of people had kind of assumed or thought that bram stoker was british and um the brits have a long history of claiming irish people as their own when they become very successful so it was kind of a way of taking it back and kind of reclaiming him as a as a as a Dublin born Irish writer yeah uh that's actually very I mean that's fascinating to me I'm you may have heard me say uh I've said it many times because it's um kind of fascinating slash sad to me but my people uh emigrated from Ireland in the late 19th century and we've been living in central Massachusetts and I'm still genetically 100 % Irish, which is, I think, tragic.

3:31Tom, will you please reclaim him? Yeah. And Americans desperately want me to be reclaimed, and they mean taken back to Ireland and kept there. Well, we'd be delighted to reclaim you and have you at the festival anytime, or in Dublin. I mean, you're hugely popular. I feel like lots of the friends or the fans on this podcast are coming from Ireland as well, right? You've got to go network. No, it's funny. Well, anyway, I do get recognition from Irish people for the TV show, but also a lot from the podcast, which is very nice. So I'd love to go back there and I'd love to reconnect because I think it would be lovely.

4:12That's a word that I hear a lot. Lovely. Lovely. I've heard that in Ireland, they say. Oh, isn't that lovely? Also, they say, correct me if I'm wrong, Tom, In America, people say, um. So if you ask me a question, I say, um, yeah. I live near the Volkswagen dealership, but about two blocks away. The people I've met in Dublin say M, E-M. Yeah, Graham Norton. Yeah, have you noticed that? Yeah, actually, yeah. It's funny you say that because M. M. M. I moved to the States for college, and I remember that was one of the first things people pointed out when I lived there. I went to college in Pennsylvania.

4:50And one of the first things people notice was, why do you say M all the time? We don't realize it. But yeah, but that's one of the differences we have, I guess. When I was in New York, I had a therapist, a very brilliant woman who was from Dublin. And she used to tell her about whatever was going on in my life. And she'd say, M, I think you're crazy. You know, that was her official diagnosis. Official diagnosis was that my family was shite and that I'm crazy. So this is interesting. So you're trying to, is there anyone else who we don't know is really Irish? Or can we start claiming people who aren't Irish, but just claim them anyway?

5:35You know, like Daniel Craig, let's just start saying, did you know he's from Dublin, even though he's not? We should start grabbing cool people and saying they're Irish. Absolutely. I mean, look, if you've got a list of people you want me to start claiming as Irish, we can put a festival together about all of them if there needs to be, that's fine. Yeah, Messi, Messi's from Dublin. Lionel Messi's a true son of Ireland and then he was stolen. He was stolen and taken away to Argentina. We should just, because there are no better liars in the world and confabulous than the Irish. So we should just start making a list.

6:10Batman, Batman's from - Uncle Sam. I've become famously Irish. No one thinks of Uncle Sam anymore. What are you talking about? Because he's so Irish, get him back. No one thought of Uncle Sam since like 1911. I was trying to think of the most American icon possible. Oh. No, no, no, I mean like Beyonce. Did you know that she's from Dublin? Did you know that? She's from Galway. Yeah. It's Beyonce McNulles. Yeah.

6:38I'm telling you, I think, Tom, I think we're really onto something. sure, Bram Stoker, let's do that. But I think you're missing a real opportunity here and I will help you generate the list. We're gonna come up with just all of the coolest people. Yeah. And Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves is from the... He's from the South country down there. He's from Cork. I don't know, who's to stop us? No one can stop us. I mean, there's no one on this side who's gonna stop you. I think if you guys have a list, you know put together whatever list and we'll find some i mean there's so many people that come to ireland and then realize that they've got irish heritage right like obama was here a few years ago and he's got a very strong like iris i mean there's there's so many you go for okay all right you guys can keep him then yeah we need to keep him i know wait can we trade if you're getting beyonce and stuff we know okay oh we can't trade can't trade depending on who you're sorry depending on who you were going to say maybe yeah yeah it's going to be all worked out listen tom you and i are gonna work this out.

7:38We're gonna start an exchange, but we're gonna make lists of people that the Irish can claim. And then I think we should get to have Liam Neeson. Yes. He's so cool. I'm just curious, how many of you would we have to trade to get one Liam Neeson? You know what, I looked it up. 35 Conans. Yes. 35 Conans gets you Liam Neeson's shoulder. Worth it, I'll take it. Sold. You don't think these celebrities would have a problem with these festivals? They'll do as they're told. Okay. I would love for you to say that to Beyonce. Well, I'm not gonna say that to Beyonce, but boy, I'm gonna say it to Liam Neeson.

8:16I don't fear him at all. You should. He's, yeah, he's my height and looks like, I mean, I talked to him not long ago and it was so clear to me the minute he walked in the room, like, oh, that's a real man. I'm a Lucky Charms leprechaun. Anyway, Tom, this sounds like a good endeavor. I'm glad that you're working on building up, reclaiming what rightfully belongs to Ireland. I think that's important. Yeah, and I mean, we try to, you know, there's only so much you can get out of Dracula, right? In terms of a festival, like we need new ideas every year and we try to present it in different ways. So we have a lot of fun with it.

8:53It's not just all, we don't just, you know, we describe it as we're not just like mwahaha. Like we try to have a lot of fun with that. Although that sounds fun. Yeah, I would go to a mwahaha. It's definitely some more. Ha ha ha. Come to more. Ha ha. Well, also, I'm not aware of what else. Did Bram Stoker, I don't really know. Other than, I know him for Dracula, but did he write, you know, erotic fiction that I could read? And if it's not erotic fiction, I don't want to read it. The first book he ever wrote was actually a book, like it was a guide for civil servants. Ooh, I've turned on. So he did write some erotic fiction.

9:29Wow. Exactly, yeah. So depending on your kinks, I guess that's a good one. But none of his other work has really made it into the kind of consciousness and the same way that Dracula has. But I mean, you know, I don't think like being a one hit wonder for Dracula, I feel like is still a pretty good. Oh, yeah. Rare highlight. Yeah. So we try to kind of stretch out everything. I mean, some of the stuff that I really enjoy, like we've done a lot of research into Bram and there's some great kind of lesser known things about him. Like he once tried to save a man that was drowning in the Thames and London because he did live in the UK for a while.

10:00See, that's why they got to claim him. That's the problem. Yeah. If an Irish person goes and lives in London for a week, they get to put up a blue plaque somewhere and say, yep, he's the UK's own Bram Stoker. You know, it's just not fair. Well, only if they're wildly successful though. I mean, if they're, you know, as soon as something goes wrong, then they're immediately Irish, according to the British again. Oh, okay. All right. They just, those plaques by the way, are put up with Velcro. They come off the minute you do something. and everyone's getting canceled these days. I think those plaques probably come off as quickly as they go on.

10:34So I'm going to bring my own blue plaque the next time I go to London and some super glue and just glue it onto a building. That's good. And say, you know, Sir Conan O 'Brien lived here or stood here and chewed some bubble yum for 10 minutes. You're giving yourself a knighthood. Sure, why not? Okay. Yeah. I want to go back to Ireland, but you're going to have a knighthood from Britain? Sure. That's not going to play well. Also, what color plaque do they use in Ireland? If I go to Ireland, I want to glue some plaques up. I'm pretty sure we use blue plaques as well. You use blue plaques too? Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

11:06All right, we'll find out because I want to find out exactly what they look like. Make this priority. Excuse me, Tom's, oh Tom's got such a busy schedule, working on the Bram Stoker Festival. Yeah, you've got 11 months of downtime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, how many plastic fangs can you buy? Yeah, I've got some time to put in. I've got a pretty easy bite ahead. I am a civil servant. I'm here to clean up the bureaucracy.

11:48Tom, I'm gluing some, I'm gonna come to Dublin and glue some plaques up. That's what I'm gonna do. I want some plaques up that say, Conan stood here, Conan bought some stew here. Conan was asked to leave this gap for unfolding too many sweaters, but not buying one. Things like that. Well, and how's your life going, Tom? How's everything in life? Yeah, it's pretty good. I mean, as you said, I've got a few easier months ahead because we're just in planning now, but outside of work, things are going, yeah, things are good. I'm looking forward to Christmas. You got your tree up. Have you done your shopping?

12:24Got my tree up here. I've got some, I just started doing some shopping yesterday. Yeah, things are, yeah. I would think that Dublin would be a wonderful Christmas town. It would feel very Christmassy there. Yeah, it does. But it has that horrible thing of kind of in the wintertime here when it's freezing outside and it's roasting inside every shop you go into. So you kind of panic buy really quickly everything that you don't need for far more than you would typically spend because you're too warm and it's all very stressful. But yeah, I mean, it is, aside from that, it's a really lovely place to be, although it's a very specific complaint.

12:51Yeah, that's just, you have such a specific complaint. The temperature difference between the outdoors and the shop itself is such that I buy more quickly. I can't live anymore. I must take my own life. Tom, do you have a question for Conan at all? Yeah, actually, I mean, so, you know, we're in the stage now of kind of festival planning where we're thinking of ideas for next year. And I guess just, you know, I run the festival with my friend Maria and we're collaborators. We collaborate with each other and with artists. And we wondered whether you have ideas for events that we could run at the festival next year or if you yourself would like to come to the festival and put on a show.

13:34Oh, wow. Well, first of all, I always I take any excuse to, you know, get in front of a crowd. I'm very sick that way. So, you know, it all depends on - It would almost guarantee you one of those plaques as well, I could say. We could do like a special edition. Oh, listen, Tom. Say no more. No, Tom, I bring my own plaques. I don't want anything factual on my plaques. I want all kinds of crazy information. So it all depends on the schedule, but obviously I'd love to attend a Bram Stoker, you know, festival. In terms of ideas for what works, I think you have to embrace the Dracula of it all. I think trying to downplay Dracula is a mistake.

14:17You've got to lean into Dracula. And that means contests, find the Dracula. He's somewhere in Dublin. And you have, I mean, don't you think? Absolutely. Whatever, how many? It's fun. Yeah, and then the way there's a, we have here in the United States, chili eating contest, and we have hot dog eating contest. How many hot dogs can people eat very quickly? I think it would be how much blood can you drink from this carotid artery? Who can drink it the fastest? Now you're talking. Obviously you don't drink it from a real person, but you simulate a carotid artery and then you have a whole bunch of people like in a pie eating contest and see who can down the most, and it's not real blood.

15:00There's like fake cadavers on a table and you're - Dummies, like crash test dummies. Okay. And who can drink the most blood? And it's one, two, three, go. And you know, the blood can be, I mean, I would prefer it if it was real human blood, but I understand how that's gonna turn some people off. But we could come up with a caro syrup or something. This is actually a great idea. I think it's fantastic. You have to, like a blood drinking contest and also like intestines, but they're linked sausages that you have to just keep eating like a hot dog contest. Well, that's a werewolf. What are you talking about?

15:27Do they eat? Dracula, hold it. Dracula doesn't eat your intestines. You know what? They don't eat it. What are you talking about? I love how you immediately got angry, like, what are you talking about? And I said, Dracula, and you went, oh, right. No, he drinks your blood. Is that a werewolf though? Yeah, a werewolf disembowels you, rips you up, tosses your innards all around, and then goes running over the hill going, You're right, and I'd like to formally apologize to the Bram Stoker community. To the Bram Stoker estate. I'd like to have my plaques taken down. I'm sorry. Hey, is there a Bram Stoker estate, meaning are there people that still profit from Dracula movies and things like that?

16:04There is, yeah. Actually, the Bram Stoker estate kind of allow us to continue with the festival every year. He has a great grandnephew called Dacre Stoker who comes to the festival quite often, who's also an author and has actually written extensively about Dracula, but also wrote a prequel book to Dracula. Can I ask you something? Which is soon to be made into a film. Does his great grandson ever appear to be someone who's lived for millennia? You know, like is like hundreds of years old and actually could be Bram Stoker. and does he ever say, well, when I wrote Dracula, er, er, I mean, when my great, great M.M., my great grandfather wrote it.

16:39And then you realize that he is in fact Vlad Dracul. Yeah. He does have a very particular look. So you might be onto something there. I'm telling you, lean into Dracula because the civil service novel ain't going nowhere fast. Melville wrote one of those, Bartleby the Scribner, and it didn't sell. And then he went back to the giant fish. and again, he was in the money. So you gotta lean into what works. And I think if Bram were alive today, he'd be writing all kinds of more Dracula. You know, Dracula goes to Las Vegas. He'd be doing rom-coms with Dracula. Dracula has a Nancy Meyers kitchen. You know, there'd be all kinds of, Dracula would be in the Marvel universe.

17:20Oh. I mean, he would, he just would. So lean into it, I say. Hey, speaking of eating people's intestines, I hear you're quite a cook. Is that right? Good transition. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I was told to get that in. Yes. You're a cook. Is that right? So I'm not, I mean, I'm not a professional cook, but it is the thing that I love doing the most. Yeah. And, um, as I've got, you know, I enjoy cooking for like big groups of people, but I actually just started seeing someone recently enough who is also a really good cook. And I think he is in fact far better than I am, um, which is, uh, that threatens your identity, doesn't it?

17:55Slightly. Yeah. Because you thought of yourself as the great cook and now this other person comes along and he's the better cook. Can I come to your house? Can you cook for me? Sure, yeah. We can both cook for you and then maybe you could decide which one is better. Okay, all right. I don't know that you have the most refined palate. I don't have any palate. I have a, you know, I'll eat anything. Her meter is Burger King or not Burger King. That's the only thing that she can determine. I think Ireland used to get a bad rap for not having very good food. And that may have been true for a long time, but I feel like in the 1990s that reputation started to change greatly because what I heard is that young brilliant chefs that couldn't get a job in London would go to Dublin and suddenly that became this center of great cuisine and i think that's emanated out now that that people uh in in ireland actually enjoy very good food is that true totally ireland's a great place to eat i think even you know a few years ago it might have just been in dublin but now across the across the country there's so many incredible places to eat and i think yeah we had a bad reputation for you know like ham and cabbage is like what people think you know is is like although having cabbage is a pretty good meal if you ask me but oh it was kind of what people expected yes irish food to be but now it's much It's much broader than that.

19:18Well, I think I grew up, my mother exclusively, there was a lot of fried ham, a lot of ham and then fried ham and potato and potato with fried ham and then fried ham with potato. It was delicious. It was really good, but it was a lot of that. And I think that was handed down generationally because when her people left Ireland, that's what it was. And so even all those years later in the 1970s, I'm eating a ton of fried ham. to the point where I think I died two years ago with a massive heart attack. You're Dracula. I'm Dracula. Hey, wait a minute. Back me up on this, Tom. In Stoker's Dracula, doesn't he also turn into a wolf, a werewolf on the Demeter?

20:00Have you read Dracula? You're really cutting me out here. Have you read Dracula? I would love it. He's just going on and on about, we're reclaiming Bram Stoker. Yeah, I'm reclaiming Bram Stoker. I just realized he's a wolf. He could turn into a wolf, a bat, and a mist. Are you going to fight me on the - Yes. Everyone knows Dracula eats intestines. Yeah, you really want the sausage thing to happen. Cause that's just stupid. If you want it all, it'd be on the weirdest technicality. I'll take it, I'll take it. Yeah, we all know Dracula urinated places to mark them and he was always chasing cats. What are you talking about?

20:31He could turn into a wolf. Okay. I'm sorry, it's true, right? He is right, you can, yeah. Okay, so. Oh man. Yeah, all right, so we'll have - Vindicated in the most major way. Yeah, all right, well Tom, Tom, I guess that's another suggestion for your Bram Stoker festival is - Some werewolf events. Well, not werewolf, Dracula turning into a dog and eating sausages. It's a werewolf. Yeah, he could also turn into The Thing from the Fantastic Four. Okay, now you're just poking fun and that's ridiculous. Well, I'm really happy with myself. Tom, thank you. Thank you for reaching out. Thank you. Speaking to us, I will take it to heart, this whole Bram Stoker controversy.

21:09I will work in the fact that Bram Stoker is Irish in every conversation that I can in the most awkward way. And I will fight this fight for you. I really appreciate it. All right. Well, happy holidays. Yeah, you too. Thank you so much. Take care. Thank you, guys. Thanks very much. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Dleau, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

21:45Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

22:28This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.