My Ghoulish Figure

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, Okay, let's get started. Hey, Brandon, meet Conan and Sona. Oh, David, Sona, and Jane Lynch. I love what you're done with your hair. Ah, nice. Yay! Fan bringing it in hot. That was some high heat you just threw. That came over the plate at 98 miles per hour. It was almost a swing and a miss. No, no, no. Brandon, very nice to meet you. And I understand you're a fan of the podcast. Thanks so much for contacting us. and no problem curious where are you calling us from where are you contacting us from so i am from georgetown ontario it's about 45 minutes outside of toronto oh beautiful love it love it there i love uh love canada love toronto love vancouver uh wonderful place and of course i'll give it up again canada home to all the great comedic minds in my opinion so uh you're absolutely proud of and Brandon tell us a little bit about yourself so by day help manage a pizza shop here in town and by night whenever someone says by day I'm scared because it could mean murder you know what I mean most serial killers say by day I do this and then but well they actually they don't say that at all I was going to say you think they just confess at the end like he's going to say I murder I do some murdering I'm anxious for the second part So by day, you manage a pizza place.

1:36Yes, sir. And by night, I'm a paranormal investigator. Paranormal investigator. So paranormal investigator, meaning you are searching for clues, signs, or to make contact with ghosts. Is that correct? Ghost spirits going into haunted locations, doing full on investigations, using equipment and cameras and everything to try and see if we can end up getting some kind of proof of the paranormal, I guess you can say. Sure. Because you're a paranormal investigator. Yes. Let me ask you a quick question. Yeah. I said ghost, but I prefer the term, although I think it's archaic ghoul. Does anyone use the term ghoul anymore?

2:17I just love ghoul. Just Jordan Schlansky. He's the only one who uses it. Ghouls. I love ghouls. So is there a difference between a ghost and a spirit or is there no real difference? Not really. I mean, like I usually like to use the term spirit because the way I think about it, it's like we're it's the passed on version of what a living human person was. And like everybody's got their own spirit. They got their own soul. They got their own personality. And I think it's just a way that I end up transferring over to the afterlife. So I like to use the word spirit instead of just a just a ghost. I think those kind of little gimmicky.

2:53The two I like, as I said, are ghoul and spectre. I like spectre. Hello, are you still there? Yeah. Hello, Brandon, did you go anywhere? Brandon, Brandon, hello, hello, is this thing on? You would be really bad as a paranormal investigator because you'd be like, guys, what are we gonna call them, guys? No, I would never spend any time looking at the equipment. All I'd be saying is we've gotta find a ghoul or a spectre. That's all I do all the time. Oh my God. But it is very hard for us to see, like it's very rare for us to see something in person with our own eyes. I don't understand why that is.

3:32That's why infrared cameras and film photography cameras ends up coming into play because somehow it shows up a little easier that way. Yeah, I'm just curious. Do you go on this mission alone or do you work with the team? Oh, hell no. Hell no. I'm not that brave. No, I actually got a team of about 10 people that I have with me. I've got, well, the thing is that we have like a YouTube channel that we post some of our evidence if it's a good enough investigation onto. So I got like a whole like team that's with me. So who's in the team? Yeah. So there's myself. So my co-creator, her name is Ashley.

4:18I consult with her on things before I go into investigations, but she can't do things in person anymore because she had a really hard time rebounding from investigations. Wait a minute. So Ashley was on your team. She's partner. And then she kind of had to step back. She still consults. But you're saying something happened on an investigation that made her have to step out. She's very sensitive to whatever's going on there. And I've asked her, like, how long does it take for you to recover from an investigation? She said up to two weeks. What? Wow. What? Because she's just so physically drained.

4:52Can I tell you something, Brandon? Yep. I hear from many of my employees that after contact with me, they need two weeks away from work paid to recover. And that's a common thing that I hear. and I've often been described as having a spectral color to my face. Ghoulish. Ghoulish appearance. I would say so. Yeah, thank you. And he's an expert. He's an expert. Yeah, I'm a guy that likes to watch his ghoulish figure. And so what I'm saying - I can't be here anymore. That's going to take more than two weeks. You owe everybody an apology. That's an old Munsters joke. Shout out to the Munsters. That's a great - Fred Gwynn.

5:33Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, my point is you've got Ashley. I hope she gets better soon. I'm sorry that she had a bad experience, but that's a rough gig. It is. It's not for the faint of heart. Do you have uniforms? Yeah. Do you have uniforms like the Ghostbusters? Yeah, that's all. No, we don't have uniforms. I mean, like dress black for the most part, just for aesthetic, I guess. but then it's funny because my mom who kind of got me a little bit into this stuff came into the fold to help replace Ashley as an investigator. Wait, I'm sorry, Brandon, your mom is part of your ghost busting team? Yes. That's cool.

6:11I like that. I was gonna, you know. Family business. Family business. Your mom, is she very intrepid? Is she very brave? Well, she's had to put up with me for about 30 years, so I would say so. Right. But I mean, And there's some people who would be afraid to go, well, let's cut to the chase. You've got a crack team here and you've got your equipment. Not sure what that is. You said you've various cameras. Do you have any kind of electronic equipment that tells you if there's a special... Whoa. Oh, that's just a small suitcase. It just means that you have plenty of room in the overhead compartment.

6:48Yeah, no, I actually have a piece of equipment here that actually measures like EMF. What's that? Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, so. Can you hold it up to David and just hold it up. David, put your face near the camera. Yeah. Oh my God, that thing's off the charts. Whoa. David, you do seem like you're a little boy who lived about 200 years ago and died when he ate a peanut. Oh, he does have a bad allergy. He looks good for his age if that's the case. Yeah, well, he's preserved. He'll never age. He'll be a boy forever. You're right. So you've got your electronic equipment and where do you go to find these, at the risk of repeating myself, ghouls and specters?

7:30Yeah, so a lot of research goes into it. We go through online, we look at news articles throughout the province of Ontario, see if they have had any news stories on places that have had activity. And then also just a lot of going to the town, going through their library. Sometimes they have resources for old historical buildings. And we just kind of take a stab at that. But Brandon, let me ask you, and I, you know, I'm just trying to drill down here. You say you're looking for evidence and they've had some kind of occurrence. But what would that mean? Would it mean, you know, window panes rattling for no reason, toilets flushing on their own?

8:11Do you know what I mean? What would it mean? So people have to have sightings of apparitions. Apparitions, that's another good one. I love apparitions. Wording. They would have different poltergeist activity where things are moving on their own. Voices or sounds being heard when they're the only ones in the room and there's no reason for that happening. Well, that's often means that you're insane, that you're having a, you know. To most, to most. And who knows, maybe I am a little bit. No, no, not you, but I'm saying if you're by yourself and you hear voices, sometimes then that's when they medicate you.

8:43I've had periods like that and then the medication set in. Or it might be the ghosts. Well, I prefer ghouls, apparitions, and specters. Oh, God. We're adding to the list. Oh, God. Okay. For the most part, it's definitely the ghouls and specters is my expertise. I'm not qualified enough to end up doing the medicated areas.

9:16What is the scariest thing you've seen that you've witnessed yourself, Brandon? Oh, the scariest thing I have seen. So the scariest event that I've had happen was at a location just outside of Niagara Falls. It is called the Screaming Tunnel. The Screaming Tunnel. I'm writing this down. Why? Where are you going? Just to look like I'm part of the investigation. so there's a place outside niagara fall niagara falls called the screaming tunnel yeah so uh very long story but the uh the long and short of it is father ended up uh legend says father did very unthinkable things to his daughter ended up murdering her in the tunnel and basically set her on fire jesus so apparently if you go in that night you light a match and and you're supposed to hear the scream of the girl and the light goes out, the match goes out.

10:08Nope. But we've had - By the way, this story's a bit of a buzz kill. I mean, it's real dark. It's dark. Well, ghost stories are cheery and happy. When an old man's head gets chopped off, it's funny. Anything that happens to a kid is not funny. But like if an old man who's kind of a dick anyway, gets his head lopped off, I'm laughing. And I'll go see that - Yeah. Yeah. Unfortunately, this is the life I chose. You know, and also we can't choose the crimes. This terrible thing happened. The match goes out and then that's, what? How do you get out of the tunnel once the match goes out? Well, most people end up running out, but not us.

10:46Oh. We tried the match experiment. We didn't hear the scream. It went out, but that could have been a draft or something. Does the scream ever occur because you've held the match too long? And the person got a little hot in there. Yeah, no, that hasn't happened. But they ended up hearing multiple voices from within the tunnel when we didn't see anybody there. But they were actually inching closer to us to the point where me and my partner actually had to run. No. We had no idea what was happening. Hard pass. Okay. And you're certain you think that those voices were not other people in the tunnel.

11:24Those voices were. A hundred percent, because we ended up having somebody on each end of the tunnel that were actually kind of watching and making sure nobody was trying to fiddle around with any kind of evidence we may have been getting or anything like that. Could you hear what the voices were saying? No, it was just like a, it was very mumbling. It was all jumbled up. Is it possible that if you listen to the tapes, you'd hear enough with the matches, enough with the matches. It's getting smoky in here I'm suffocating Everybody comes with matches And by the way, we prefer ghouls I'm saying No, we didn't end up getting any of that We did end up getting a spirit telling one of my other investigators to get out on a voice recorder but we didn't hear it with our own ears Why do ghosts always say get out?

12:22because they'll kill you no but how come no ghost it's because of the matches I would I mean when I'm a ghost and I will be a ghoul at one point you will you're gonna haunt everybody no but my thing is gonna be like come on in let's talk I love to gab that's scary though you have to realize that that is a scary thing for you to do oh because people don't like talking to me that's what stop shouting no that's a scary thing for the other people to do this is really riling me up because this is scary this is scary stuff I believe in this stuff and this is freaking me out okay Okay, have you learned anything?

12:54Do you ever feel compassion for these, I don't know, apparitions, specters, ghouls? Do you ever feel, I'm gonna say it as many times as again, hey if you're listening, count. The winner gets nothing. Have you had any, yeah, go ahead. You're putting your hand up to stop me. You've had these - I think he's counting. I got the count, that's five. No, no, no, since this interview started, you're insane. I've gotten many more than that. Ghouls, apparitions, specters. Anyway. It's a drinking game now. So, have you ever had compassion for one of these necromantic citizens of the other realm? I wouldn't say compassion.

13:33What I will say is I have more of a comfort, I would say, for when I pass away to at least have the idea that maybe there is something else that we go to after the physical life. So like we're not, our energy, our spirit and everything is not dead. It's just a physical machine that's operating our skin vessel, as Ashley would end up calling it. I had a girlfriend once that called me a skin vessel. And not as a compliment. Brandon. I don't know. Myself, I'm not sure I need there to be another realm. It's going to get a little heavy. but I don't want to just be hanging around in caves, you know, waiting for people to light a match.

14:21I don't want to be roaming around an old motel, bothering people or rattling teacups. I might be okay with the concept of just, like this madness that stops. So what I'm hearing is Conan would rather be a shit disturber in life, but not really in death. Yes. Yes. What I'm saying is I think I've haunted many people in my, and continue to in my lifetime, in my lifespan. And the idea that that would stop is maybe okay, not just for me, but maybe for the world. I think so. I think we'd be fine with you just leaving. You're happy with my death. You know what, just die.

15:03We're good. Eventually the truth will come out, Sona. Yeah, it took nothing for you to say that. No, she's fine with it. Oh no. That's the most honest friend I have. But Brandon, this is interesting work that you've chosen. Now I want to get back to the first thing you told us, which is by day you manage a pizza shop. Are there ever moments where your skills as a manager of a pizza shop come into play when you're dealing with ghouls, apparitions, and specters? When I see a past coworker that haunted me while working there that comes in, there's that where I have a flashback experience. Right. But in terms of my actual workings within the shop, no, not really.

15:53I will tell you this. If I do pass into the spirit realm, the realm of ghouls, apparitions, and specters, I do, got them all up from the beginning, I will, the one thing that will lure me will not be lit matches or a rattle cup or someone holding a seance. a really good pizza marinara would lure me thin crust that would lure me uh to any location and so i'm wondering why spirits aren't attracted to just amazing foods and a glass of pinot noir maybe like an oregon pinot could they smell i think they should be yeah but i would just like to be around it you know and then maybe i could become part of the pizza what i love pizza that You want people to eat you as a pizza?

16:38Yeah, that's right. Wait, what? Why'd you say it like that? I don't know, I thought it could be sexual, but I don't think it is. Anyway, Brandon. Anyway, Brandon, do you have a question? You have a question for us. Let's not encourage my perversions, but that is my kink that I one day become a spirit pizza. And that... So Brandon, back to that question you had for Conan. That's my kink, ladies. Yeah. It'll become a pizza pie. Well, my question for Conan is... Steaming. When he passes out, oh greasy. So when you pass away. And we hope it's not for a long, long time. Yes. We hope, Sona, we hope.

17:19I know, I'm saying when he dies, I just want him to die. You don't want him to haunt you. That's a Hallmark card they haven't made yet. When you die, I just want you to die. And then there's a$5 bill in there. You're a grandmother. What's, what you got there? What's your question there? Bingo, I'm gonna call you Bingo Brandon for no reason at all. Oh, my God. I'll take that. So my question is, when you do end up passing on, you go on to the other life. And you, obviously, you have your kids. Hopefully, your kids outlive you. But if you, when you pass away. Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you talking about?

17:53Yes, I want my children to live for hundreds of years after me. That's not the question. But what different antics would you end up pulling on your loved ones as a ghost, but making it unique enough where they absolutely know that it's you. Oh, they're going to know it's me. Yeah. I mean, my bits are just classic Conan material. And that's a trademarked phrase, by the way, classic Conan. So I just know that they're going to know. I'm going to be a very obvious ghost. I'm not going to do subtle stuff. I'm trying to think of what you like. If you took a remote control and it just suddenly was in the place of where your mouth would be.

18:35Then I could hear you going, hey, I'm remote control mustache guy. Yeah, exactly. That's a good bit. And I'd be like, that's Conan. He's haunting me. That's not a good bit, though. It's not that funny. You're going to knock your bun out, for sure. Yeah, for sure. Oh, you know what I would do? Yes. I love to, sometimes I see Sona and she's got her beautiful hair. Beautiful hair that's all piled up together into a bun. Maybe seen a brush or a comb sometime in the last year or so. Oh, wow. Anyway, what I like to do is I like to take a swat at that bun and it explodes and the whole bun comes apart and it's funny to me.

19:04Or if I'm eating something and it suddenly just flies out of my hand, I'll be like Conan's here. That's what I was thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my favorite thing is when she's really enjoying a donut and she holds it out a little too far from her face. I can sometimes swat it and it goes flying across the room and everyone in the room, this is the environment where we work, everyone laughs. Yeah, I know. You did it with her popcorn, right? When she walked in here. Yeah, maybe I did, maybe I didn't. You did, you definitely did. That could have been a spirit or a ghoul or a specter. We saw you do it.

19:30Or an apparition. No. Well, that's what I would do. I do those kind of antics and I wouldn't be subtle. I don't like subtle ghosts. No. You know what I mean? You gotta play to the back row when you're a ghost. Or a ghoul. Gotta be in your face. Or an apparition or a specter. I'm telling you again, folks, listen to the very beginning. Count up all mentions of ghoul, apparition, and specter. Give us the total and you'll win nothing. Brandon, it's been a delight talking to you. And give my best to your mom. Tell Ashley I hope she recovers soon. and yeah, I just wish you well in your journeys and your adventures and I hope you crack this case.

20:05I hope you find us a real ghoul or apparitioner specter. I hope so too and if you're ever in the area, I would love to end up getting you and Sona on an investigation with us. Very nice. I'm busy. I'll be busy that day. She's scared, but you know what? I am very scared. But you know what? I don't know what fear is, so I'll see you there. Conan's going to go do bits for the girl in the tunnel. Yeah. Hey, little girl! Look at this bit. All right, thank you very much, Brandon. Take care. Thanks, Brandon. Thank you. Bye-bye, guys. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley.

20:39Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

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