Natasha Lyonne

25:22But so anyway, then later I was doing this play. It was like a Mike Lee play. And I remember I was so excited. And then I remember seeing my dad from across the room. Like somehow he had found, and he had done that also with Slums of Beverly Hills. Like I remember. Because you were a kid when you did that. Yeah, I guess I was like 17, 18. Yeah. But I remember he like showed up to the premiere, but I hadn't seen him in like a decade or something. and he was he just showed up yeah and he was like hey bambo and you know my dad was a boxing promoter um from brooklyn uh which is why i never understand why people want to move there um i know that the goal is to get out of brooklyn uh but you know they think it's hip um it changed a lot well uh did it you know what i mean i'd argue it's still not in manhattan uh so on as a baseline Like, you know, geographically speaking, has it changed?

26:20Oh, I see. They got some coffee shops. Congratulations. Oh, but you still, right. So, like, I mean, I can't, I mean, the one joy in New York is you can fucking come and go as you please. There's like, there's no claustrophobia or commitment. Brooklyn is a fucking commitment. Like, you need an Uber, a subway, a MetroCard, a taxi, or a very long walk. So anyway, then I remember him being, seeing him across from the Mike Leith, and it just broke my heart. Slums of Beverly Hills. I remember Rosie Perez and Marissa Tomei kind of like consoling me in the bathroom. It was like three of the thickest accents you'd ever heard.

27:00And they're just like, yo, Natasha, you don't fucking need this shit. Don't let him fucking bring you down. Like, you don't got to go through this. You know, like, just fucking do whatever you got to do. but this is your night. It's fucking your night, you know? And don't let that motherfucker haunt you. And, um, so he was fucked up like that. And my mother was just, uh, nuts, nuts, but they weren't really like bad people. And anyway, now that they're dead, I feel safe to kind of really be out there. And, um, I don't care anymore. You know, it's funny cause you had all this success early on and then you decided I was reading some interview with you where you said like, I don't want to be on Dawson's Creek.

27:43I don't want to do, I don't want to be on the WB. That's not what I want. Um, which I think, you know, 99 % of people in that situation would have said, how do I get on that kind of reality? And that's not what you wanted. No. And, uh, yeah, I did not want those things. Like, and, and I remember my mother being like, why would you turn down Buffy? It's such a big show. And like, when are you going to get a boob job? So you can work? And I was like, ah, yeah, I'm just not putting that shit on my tits, mom. Like she was think it would even you out because you got that ass i was like well thanks and uh

28:17but like i think that this is the talk i never had my parents this is the birds and the bees talk no that's what they told me uh no i was like yeah i guess they put me in the business because they wanted to be famous it was like a proxy uh proposition uh although no one ever really laid it on the table for me. And around then, I can remember sort of like almost like going to auditions by myself in Times Square, like, you know, but taxi driver, Times Square, not fucking this Disney shit with the fucking bike lanes and whatever the fuck. I mean, why would you put islands in the middle of the street?

28:56It's like, oh, we wanted to make a cramped space, more cramped. Like, all right, fucking rocket scientist. Jesus Christ. Like, definitely New York is run by the mob in a beautiful way. Okay. Whenever you see construction in New York, there's mafia. You know, it's not real construction. You know that, right? Well, you think I was born yesterday? I definitely don't. I have 42 years ago today. I didn't like that path, that sort of, you know, Buffy, boob job, fucking famous guy. I think it's sick when people are into it. I don't even know this about you, but I just get the sense that you're, you read a lot.

29:34You're, you're crazy intelligent and you read a lot because I feel like you, you make a, would you, would you read widely? Do you read all just different kinds of stuff? Do you like history? What is it? Yeah. Um, yeah. I mean, I don't think I'm that smart with like, um, shapes. Uh, but sometimes I know, cause like, I feel like I don't have a high IQ, but then I do see other people try to like pack up the car and then i'm like well maybe i do have a high iq because because i see them trying to fit sort of like a chair into the trunk like clearly the wrong way and i'm like wow i thought i had a low iq but i'm watching this guy fucking put this chair he just can't figure out that's not gonna close but if you're just tilting it all right and i let him go a while and and then you know i help out sort of gently because uh that's what girls have to do

30:34watching a slow motion train and oh okay you thought it all right and uh sure let me give it a whirl i think it's when you were in rehab, you said you walked around with a giant biography of Rasputin. Oh, yeah. And I was thinking, oh, this is my kind of person because I like to read about the darkest, weirdest people. Rasputin has always fascinated me. And I just thought that's how my mind works. I don't want to burst your bubble, but Rasputin biography was something that I was carrying around while I was on drugs uh in rehab it was more like i got very into um uh i was reading thomas pinching against the day i was so excited when it came out because it was like a thousand pages and you know there's nothing to do with rehab except uh you know sit on a sofa and they feed you a lot and uh uh yes i really associate rasputin with like a back pocket kind of you know new york 90s uh like the scumbag era but i remember finding it in my storage space and i still have the same copy of it and um i i love it it's very ragged i really put that that rasputin through hell and it's like that kind of was he's hard to kill too yeah famously hard to kill that guy that guy and i was like the shit i fucking took him through though my god you know but yeah i was a uh reading a lot and often and widely and also movies, you know, because the film school was so expensive.

32:16Right. They wanted like 60 grand a semester or some shit. And I was like, honey, yes, you're nuts. And so what I did, I bought this studio apartment that was Gramercy adjacent. I spent my, I had $100 ,000 from all of these jobs. It was, I think, Krippendorf's Tribe is what gave me that money, which is a blackface movie, if you haven't seen it. It's a Disney blackface picture. And starring Richard Dreyfuss. Krippendorf's Tribe? Oh, yes. I remember that. Yes. So the premise is that Richard Dreyfuss is an anthropologist whose wife dies, and now he's a sad widower with these two, three kids. And so he decides to create a fake tribe in his backyard.

33:06Oh, yes. It's worse than you think. And so then, essentially, it's all of us, Richard Dreyfuss, myself, and I guess the other two sons. I'm the eldest. All in full blackface. How have I never heard of this? Yeah. Oh, wow. It's pretty nuts. You chose a good time to get out, I think. Let's go to a clip. 1998. 1998. And so I took that money and I was like, oh, shit, I'll just buy an apartment. Because the other money, all my childhood acting money had been spent already. Not by you. No. And I thought I was going to get a Lambo. That's why I was doing it. I was promised that I was going to get a Lambo.

33:59but it never materialized. But I did get a bad credit score early because my social security number was being used frequently. So yeah, you know, going to the film forum for the quadruple feature was so much cheaper than Tish. But it was in rehab that I really started connecting directly to science because in high school it was not my thing. I remember reading this Bill Brayson book. Walk in the Woods, which one? No, it's, I don't know, my short history of nearly everything. Yes, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, okay, I think I can use that concept as like this higher power concept because it was so impossible to sort of reconcile whatever, you know, what is this idea of, you know, like an anthropomorphic god or whatever.

34:51And I really understood the scope of how little I understood about the world. You know what I mean? I loathe inanimate objects and logistics. They seem to be two real troublemakers, you know. You loathe inanimate objects. Yeah. Now, wait a minute. I know what you mean. If you mean what I think you mean, I find that the minute I care about something that I can hold in my hand, I will misplace it fairly soon. Yeah. and I will spend about six hours worrying about where it is, even if it costs like$42. I will devote time to being very upset that that thing I liked having, I can't find now. And then I will find it like six days later in an obvious spot and be way overjoyed about that and realize that I just ate up more of this precious time on earth worrying about the$60 Bakelite pen that I bought here in Larchmont that has a cool sort of orange tone to the cap that I liked doodling with.

35:56And then it was gone for six days and I was bereft. But now I found it again. Oh, why would I put it inside a sock? Why did I do that? What made me think of that? But here it is. Yay, I've got that pen back. And it's crazy. And then, whoop, closer to the grave. Good job, Conan. Good little soap opera. Yeah. But it's, I mean, I understand what you're saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, exactly what I'm saying. Like, what the fuck are these things? It's like, oh, where's this bottle cap? Oh, okay, now you're a magical mystery tour. Cool. Glad this is fucking happening. I mean, it's nuts. Okay, I had this moment of awakening.

36:37Yeah. Years ago in New York, when I worked in 30 Rock, across the street was Christie's auction house. and one day they said, oh, all of the Roosevelt family memorabilia is being put up for auction. And I thought, well, I got to go check that out. So I went over and it's Franklin, Roosevelt, and Eleanor. And then they had a bunch of kids. And so basically I went and looked and it was room after room after room of all the stuff they had given each other for Christmases going back to like 1922 up until past when Franklin's gone and well into the 1950s. And it was just case after case after case of stuff that looked like, you know, that's a tie clip.

37:17That's a little watch fob. Oh, look, there's a little case you can put some pills in. Oh, look, there's a little, yeah, there's a bookmarker that's made of pewter. And it was thousands and thousands of them. It was like the end of Citizen Kane. I'm looking at all of it and all I'm imagining is them unwrapping it on Christmas Day, 1931. Well, isn't that grand? Thank you. Thank you. Look at that's going to hold my tie quite nicely. Thank you. Yay. Christmas 1935. Well, isn't that grand? That's going to keep my place in the book. And now everyone's dead. And it's a room full of shit. Yeah. And everyone's buying it.

38:01And then they're going to give it to somebody. It's going to be like, hey, thanks. That's fucking fantastic. That'll hold my tie in place. And then they're going to die. And it's just, then we're just, I don't know. That's what, I don't know why that one Christie's auction just opened my eyes to what a sham the whole thing is. Yo, I love Goth Conan. Well, you're all gonna die, everybody. You're all gonna die. Yeah, Goth Conan's a shit, okay? Because, you know, the facts are that that's all correct. They don't understand about the fucking tie clips. That's all I'm saying. Speaking of surreal, there's one thing I have to ask you about, which is I believe you might be the last person on earth to work with Marlon Brando.

38:43And I just have to ask you about it. Oh, it was wild. I'll go ahead and say it, it was buck wild.

38:54I'm glad you had the courage to go ahead with your thought. Yeah. But it was on Scary Movie 2, and I remember at the time they hired him, they gave him a crazy amount of money to do a cameo and in this movie, and then I think they ended up not using him because he was too ill. Is that right? Yes, sir. So it was Keenan Ivory Wayans, the director, who I love. Yeah, so when it came in, I was definitely like, yo, hard pass, because I don't fuck with things called Scary Movie 2. Right. And that's not what I'm in this for. You know, and I love Billy. I love Billy Friedkin. I love The Exorcist. Which they parody in that one, yeah.

39:36And I actually met him and spend time with him towards the end of his life because he wanted me to be Mae West in a biopic that I think. Of course, yeah. But I think originally it was Bette Midler. That's how your name dropped. So just like you have to take a pause and hit him with the last name. I just call her B, but whatever. You do? Yeah. You don't call her the divine Miss M? No, just B. Yeah, well. Oh, wait, no, that's Barack Obama. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. How many Bs do you have in your phone? Do you play the spelling bee and connections? It's also Bryce Dallas Howard. What's that? You call her a lot, just turn that redhead club.

40:15But I'm not on the thread. I'm not in the group chat. You were on the thread, but you won't answer. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, it was like, yeah, I want to fuck with fucking Linda Blair and fucking Billy Friedkin. That's nuts. And then they were like, and Marlon Brando is doing it. and your dear heart, Andy Richter. Yeah, Andy was in it as well, yeah. But really, Marlon was my way in. At the time, I was like, I mean, you know, that's working with Brando, so. Gotta do it. You gotta be like, you know, your mother sucks cocks in hell. You gotta, like, you just, are you gonna do it better? You're not.

40:56You're gonna ruin it, but it's Brando. And then he shows up and he, yeah, he was very, very old. And ill, I think. Yes, and an oxygen tank and earpieces. And I told this story on your show live. But I guess it's to tape, but, you know, I'm not involved in the editing. Yeah, yeah. That really didn't need to be qualified. But anyway, go ahead. And if you're not familiar with Conan's work. So he, you know, there was this talk show and - I love how you get to the part where, so Brando shows up. Now of course, Conan used to tape his show. Now he'd tape it at 5.30, but it wouldn't air until 12.30. So there was a lag in which time they could make short edit.

41:41You're getting to the best part of the story and now you're making it longer. Get to Brando! Sorry, we're all gonna die! You want the full story? um so as he was like you know because of the breathing and um yeah the bed was sort of one of the gags was it was like a low rider that would move all crazy like uh you know pimp my ride style which i think he'd never seen uh i don't even know if it was out yet um yeah yeah um but uh you know space time moves in all kinds of directions it does so anyway he would keep his hand right on my tit, I think, because I was in the prosthetics, did not understand that I was a real person at all.

42:24You're giving him a lot of credit. And, you know, despite what my mother said, it's a fucking nice rack. You know what I mean? So, you know, what he was doing. And I was like, wow, this is like a fucking pretty serious day at the office. You know what I mean? So you're standing there and you're in all these prosthetics. Merwin Brando, who doesn't have long to live, has his hand on your breast. For like hours, you know what I mean, at a time. And I'm like, that's fucking Brando. I mean, is it fucking, you know, big boy Brando? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know. Can he breathe? Not really, but, you know.

43:04Is he all there? I mean, nope. Is it the sort of acting face-off I dreamed of? Well, it's no on the waterfront. If you look at On the Waterfront, he's got his hand - On Karl Maldon's breast. On Karl Maldon's breast. They tried to cut around it. No, they don't. And yeah, I was like, well, yeah, I guess I am a fucking contender after all and so on. So I was thrilled and delighted. I thought it was fucking pretty special. And yeah, then when he dropped out of the film the next day, due to his health, and I I think he died like three weeks later. He died very shortly afterwards. Yeah. So I maybe, I don't want to make it about me, but, you know, I may be the last person that he felt up.

43:54I don't want to assume that he was kind of, it's like, it's not a big deal. It's just sort of like, yeah, pretty much, Brando and I banged it out hardcore. You know what I mean? Like, and three weeks later he died. And yeah, that was the last time that he could fucking manage it. And then the next day they brought in James Woods. This is how every story ends. And then they brought in James Woods. Godfather 4. And he was less of a charmer in the makeup. Less of a charmer than the man on oxygen whose hand is on your breast for six days. Because he was like, you know, I can tell even with the makeup, you're a spinner, right?

44:45What? No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, and that was, I thought, I mean, less sexy than, you know, Brando was just fucking oxygen, you know what I mean? Pumping and oxygen, it was crazy. No, that didn't happen. And, yeah, the James Woods one was like, oh, that's weird. But I fucking think James Woods is a great actor, despite the fact that he's a Republican, you know, psychopath, sort of, I don't know, you know, was hitting on me as a teenager in full monster makeup. I mean, pretty specifically, there's a crazy move, dude. He has a type. Yeah, I guess he does. But my God, Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time in America, you know, multiple truths hold.

45:38You see all facets of the human condition, is what you're saying. I'm just saying. You see the high and the low. I mean, he's a fucking, that guy's a great, great actor. And I don't know what the fuck Brando was up to, but it was nothing too kosher himself. I mean, Maria Shire, right? He's just looking. Last Tango, I mean, him and Bertolucci are fucking, the shenanigans. They're getting into it. You don't call that shenanigans. Oh, you call it rape. I see. Yeah, I mean, that poor chick. Fuck yeah. Never recovered from that picture, did she? But it's a, you know, it's a real buttery scene. And multiple truths, you know.

46:18There are multiple truths. There are many multiple truths. In a way, it's like, are they time crimes or what? because I think that just raping and abusing women throughout history has been, you know, for reasons that are very obscure and mercurial, conceptually and morally, would just sort of affect life. And I don't know, I'm just riffing, like Miles Davis might. I think what comes to mind is me thinking about you going through all this without functioning parents being really young and figuring it out. And you've come out of it on the other side. And you're a remarkably, I think, intelligent person who's also non, there's a complete lack of judgment.

47:07You're not judging people. You've been through a lot. I feel like you've been through 50 lifetimes of madness, but you are very even keeled and you keep bringing up this concept that many things are true. Yeah. That someone can be a monster, but they can also be a brilliant artist. And then you see all this three, four dimensionality to it, which I think is pretty amazing. Because I think we live in a time where people just want to hear, was someone good or was someone bad? Yeah. It's a bummer. And it doesn't work that way. Nope. Yeah. Yup. But that said, I'd like to end on, I think I'm good. Very good.

47:46And I mean perfect. That's not the takeaway from this. I mean, perfect. No, no. In every way. And there's no, like, layers. Hard disagree. I want to make sure I bring this up because you worked with a comic who fascinates me, Jacqueline Novak. You directed and executive produced her special, Get On Your Knees. And she's just not like any other stand-up I've encountered. She is incredibly literate and almost poetic. John Mulaney said, ladies and gentlemen, I've seen the Muhammad Ali of comedy about Jacqueline Novak. She is fucking brilliant. And when she got into this kind of like, I prefer calling doggy style the hound's way.

48:33She's talking a lot about, well, she's talking about oral sex. Sucking them cocks. Yeah. Sucking them cocks. I'm sorry. You took the words right out of my mouth. No problem. You took the cock right out of my mouth. We're all going to die, so get those cocks out of your mouth. Yeah, or don't, you know what I mean? Kind of. Get those cocks in your mouth, you know what I mean? She's talking about a lot of very graphic stuff, but it's almost like you're listening to, it's almost like it's Emily Bronte talking about it. It's fascinating. It is, yeah. She's great. She's a great writer. Yep. You took very good care of her.

49:05I mean, you did a good job. Thank you. And I'm sure that means a lot coming from me. Yeah, no, I actually... I just had to put that in. Don't listen now. I'm just, because you wouldn't say it, so. But I mean, there's no higher praise. No, I mean, like, to hear that from you, like, in this moment. Man, you're good. Are you fucking kidding me? You writes all those reviews on Criterion. Criterion Conan? Telling me that that shit is good? That's right. Criterion Conan. Criterion Conan. There's no better guy to get a compliment from. Yeah, no, but genuinely, hopefully your people, are they followers?

49:47Is it a cult? It's a cult. It's a cult. I have certain, as the cult leader, I have certain privileges. Yeah, so I'm glad you officially endorsed it. And, you know, remember that when you click on the special on Netflix, it's really about a completion rate. That's how they sort of do it, the streamers. So just let it play all the way. That's how the algorithm works. Spoken like a true artist. Watch it first and often. Natasha. Yes, sir. There's no one like you. I've looked. I can't find another Natasha Loon. There just aren't any. So thank you for coming here and sharing your brain with us. That's so cool.

50:31Thank you for saying that I have one. I appreciate it coming from you, sir. genuinely. God bless. God bless and good night.

50:51Hey, let's do a voicemail. I agree. Voicemail sounds like a good idea. And hey, if you want to send us a voicemail, just call us. Give us your thoughts. 669-587-2847. That number again, 669-587-2847. We'd like to hear your thoughts and we'd like to reply. Eduardo, you are go. Hi, my name is Ray. I am calling from the great state of North Kakalaki. There's a recurring character on the podcast, our late great president, or not so great president, Richard Nixon. He's probably one of the most common recurring characters. My question to Conan is, what is the humor in Richard Nixon for you? I would be fascinated to know.

51:40This is a very good question. You know, people always talk about when they were born. But really what's more significant is you have to add like seven years to that because that's when you really come of age. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. So there's this, you know, I'm born in 1963. And then there's a bunch of years there where I'm just, they're just shoving ham into me and I'm slowly growing and my brothers are kicking me and slapping me. And, you know, I'm whatever. I'm in that sort of state of chaos. And then I kind of start to wake up, slowly realize things around 1968, 69. and the character who fascinates me is this guy richard nixon who uh you know uh gets elected in uh 68 and so he's the president and so i was always interested in presidential history and the president and i just know that he inspires a lot of comedy and my parents to get us to go to sleep at night used to play us comedy records and these records were made by a guy named david fry guy who would make these whole albums and he did a funny Richard Nixon impression and he would play out all these scenarios.

52:48And there were, I think there were four albums and my parents had them all to get us to go to sleep at night because my brothers and I were rambunctious and we had two sisters too. We were all on the same floor. My mom would just put a comedy album on in the center of the hallway and we would all listen to it as we went to sleep. So I would go to sleep listening to this guy doing these crazy Richard Nixon sketches. Coming from out in the hall? Coming from out in the hall. Our rooms were all, you know, sort of right around that central hallway. So you had the doors open so you could listen. But that's so eerie thinking like Nixon is just floating around in the hall.

53:21Well, Nixon also did hang out in our hallway, which was also confusing. Yeah. But anyway, so I grew up with Nixon as, you know, I am not a crook. And there were all these impressions and every comedian was doing Nixon material. So you got to imagine he's just this formidable, incredible he's not just the president united states but also felt like kind of a comedy figure to me like a bugs bunny cartoon i mean that's in my core dna and then all these years later we'll just be babbling and suddenly nixon just comes out to make an appearance yeah and i have to credit this uh this comedian impressionist david fry and also uh just president nixon himself who no one did a better nixon impression than president richard millhouse nixon so yeah i i do think that's just coming from me.

54:09That's coming. And also, I think there are probably a lot of people. I remember when I worked at The Simpsons, there were these two writers, Oakley and Weinstein, very funny, talented writers. And I went into their office once and they had grown up in the D.C. area and they were a couple of years younger than me. But they had a giant, the way other people have posters of rock stars, they had posters of all the Watergate conspirators. Oh, my God. That's amazing. And I'd go in and go, what? And they'd go like, oh yeah, I know. And it was like flow charts of who was who. And it was almost like, who's your favorite of the burglars?

54:46And now what about the lawyers? You know, are you a Haldeman guy or an Ehrlichman guy? And it was just hilarious. I mean, they knew it was funny, but it was just such a funny thing to joke about. So yes, things burble up from deep within my psyche. and I don't even understand why. But now that this person has called in Ray and brought it up, I'm remembering listening to these records and thinking this is all seeped into my brain as I'm falling asleep every night. Zona, do you have a Nixon impression? No. Would you like to? No, good. Couldn't you try? No. Come on, just say, I am not a crook. I'm not a crook.

55:30What? Oh, that's post-stroke Nixon. Let me just be here. Let me just Okay Okay I'll get your check For the podcast Yeah thank you Here it is I have actually Zero to add To this conversation No no Here you go I don't know what The fuck you guys Want me to say No no it's fine I didn't grow up During Nixon I have no fucking idea Listen if you had grown up I do not know How to add to it That's your check Thank you very much There you go I have nothing to add It is fascinating Hey let me just be here All right? Oh, and by the way, I think it's time for a raise. Yeah. I think I see a little something extra in my paycheck.

56:11Okay, well, do you mind if maybe you could just give us a little nixon? Fuck you! Pay me. Fuck you, pay me. What? I don't know what to do. I don't do impressions, but okay. I hired you for your impressions. I don't do impressions. Do your French guy. Don't make me do these now. Come on, French guy. Ugh. I don't know why the cigarette always comes up. I'm from Paris, I drive around a baguette in my bicycle. That's why, when I saw that, I thought, she does impressions. She's got, that's just the tip of the iceberg. I like your first guy was just a French guy orgasming. You mean a French guy? All right.

56:51What? French guy biting into a baguette. All right. I think we answered that question. Yeah. Clearly. Yeah. Nixon, man. Keep the dream alive. Yeah. Nixon 2024. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. me?

57:26Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.