Nate Bargatze

24:13And, uh, they told me it was, uh, mundane. And so I had to look up, I didn't know what mundane meant. And so I was in my head, I'm like, I bet it's not great. Like I don't, you know, I picture you carrying a dictionary on a rope around your neck. I looked at it. So mundane wasn't good. It wasn't a flattering thing, but then, uh, I was, you know, I think I just did yours. I couldn't do that. You swacked me during all these late nights, but then I went to you and you let me do it and that always meant the most to me because I told Letterman this he was mortified yeah I was like I'm glad I was glad too like it felt it was like uh I you know because there was a joke that I was like once I learned what mundane meant I was like well I don't think it's that yeah uh but it's you you've always let comics uh us come on your show and do stand-up and uh was very pro stand-up and so you were oh well uh I'm I'm glad it all worked out.

25:09The way my perspective is always different. I've had stand-ups, many stand-ups thank me for their time on the show. And I think, what are you talking about? You came in, Nate, four times and you were really funny for six minutes, made the show better and brought your talent and put your shoulder to the wheel. And that was six minutes that I didn't have to sweat. So it's not that I didn't, you were doing me a favor too. That's true. Yeah, you should present me. Yes. And frankly, I found that story very mundane. He told all the writers, we got a mundane one tonight. I think I said it in your intro.

25:47Our next mundane comic hails from old Hickory, Tennessee. Don't worry, folks. He doesn't know what that means. I come out. Thank you, Conan. Oh, you know what reminds me of this great... Thank you. You came out and you were holding the dictionary like, what? you remind me a lot and this is the highest compliment I can pay any stand-up or any comedian you you remind me a lot of Bob Newhart in that your stuff is I'm sure you've heard this before but very seemingly simple and delivered very quietly and as if it's just occurring to you in a very humble way with a straight face and the jokes are beautiful and you just reminded me of a Bob Newhart joke.

26:32Bob Newhart has this joke, which is, you know, I don't really like country music, but I don't want to condescend to those people who do. And by the way, if you like country music, condescend means to talk down to. And I always thought like that is a perfect, I've said this before, but a really good joke, you can riff and you can goof around and it's like, there can be a good spirit to it, but it's free. It's like packing peanuts that come when you open a box. It's, there's not much to it. A really good joke feels like a diamond in your hand. It has weight. It's like a little gold ingot. You can feel it.

27:04That's a joke, Newhart's joke, and your jokes feel like, oh, no, no, no. This has actual value. You can write this on a stone and hand it to people in like 500 years from now, it's still going to be funny. You've got so many of them. You're crazily prolific. And I think one of the times you came on our show, you had, I think you came on a second time or a third time pretty quickly after. After the first time. After the first time, you came back pretty soon, and people were saying, well, you can't come back that quickly because how you can't. My manager told me. I didn't tell them. Well, you just had Mulaney.

27:37So this is a long term. Mulaney just did it, and Mulaney came back pretty quick. I mean, like three months or something like that. And so then y 'all were doing more auditions at this comedy club Eastville. And I was like, oh, I want to try to do it again than my manager at the time, which they were great. I mean, they were like some of my favorite managers. uh but they all just he was back in the day new york days and they were uh they go you can't do it again and i was like why not and they go they don't let people come back i go well john malaney just came back not saying i was even malaney but just like being like well just give it a shot give it a shot yeah and so they go no and then i just got that i was like well i'm gonna go try to get on the thing so i just did the uh i i went and did it and uh the audition and i got it without I don't, they found out, I wasn't going to tell them.

28:25I was just trying to see if I could get on the show and then have them find out with me on the show. Cause they, my own managers were like, no. Which is very funny to me. Your own team's like, I wouldn't even try again. He goes, we got lucky with that first one. So let's not, let's not push it. You should probably just, you should go work at the steel mill now. He goes, John Mulaney did it. You're no John Mulaney. All right. I think we know what we're talking about. These are great managers. you want to do comedy some more yeah isn't it something you do once and then you work the fields they were they're the best sure yeah you won't need them stories and i guess you're still not with them no i'm not with them anymore well i guess they really are the best then they're the best it's i had the most fun stories like it's it's like they're you know it's when you first get managers you're like they're they're just very fun stories uh and so then i went and did it and then they they conan your people called which i didn't know they were going to do and they go all right we got nate tonight on and whatever and so then he's like so you got it i go well you told me i couldn't do it again yeah and so then he came down and it was uh and then we did it and he took a commission on the thing that he didn't get you yeah yeah i like it trust me i've I've had my experience with that in the early days.

29:43You can't do that. Oh, I understand it's happening. Send the check to 1515 Milshire Boulevard. Okay, you called me a loser. Yes, you are. Send the check just to me, not to anyone else. Sorry, I used to have another manager that when I first got it, I would call his office and his wife was the secretary. And then he would answer the phone. or she would answer it like uh let me see if he's in and it would be like 35 minutes seconds a minute you'd be waiting and then she's like he's not here and then one day he invites me to his office his office is in his garage and her desk is touching his desk so then you're like where were you for the minute and then i'd uh it was just and i had another one where the guy would he would answer his phone and you could tell it was his voice and he'd be like uh answering for his name and then you'd be like oh is he there's Nate calling he goes uh let me see if he's in and then you hang up and he again you wait a minute and he goes hey uh yeah I'm in you're like yeah that was you I you're acting like your own secretary yeah yeah I used to love in the old days it was fun I would when I got treated like that to say well is it someone else's turn with the phone booth.

31:08I was pictured these people in a phone booth. Yes, yes, it's quite busy here at Talent Co. You called it a good time. Hey, buddy, buddy, buddy. That's your third quarter. When are you going to get out of the way so I can make my call? My wife's in labor. Come on. Well, the reason most people don't repeat that quickly is that they build up a really good set And it takes a long time for the well to refill. And to your credit, you're, and I'll say this about John Mulaney too, you guys are crazily prolific. Which brings me to my next point. You have had, I can't walk five feet in America without seeing your face.

31:47You are a huge success. And I'm wondering how you're processing all of that. Yeah, it's very different. I think you get used to it. You're not used to it, but, you know, But some of the hardest parts of this is when you don't know if they know you. Because then I can't, I don't know what to do. I'm either going to be a lunatic to this person or like, why is he acting like he has control of the whole room? Or they are fans, I don't know. So I always thought, well, if I can get everybody to know, then I'm a little more in control. So if you walk in a room, you can just be like, hey, what's up? And you kind of know they know you.

32:22So you can kind of make everybody feel like a fun room and we're all friends. and so when you're in that middle phase where it is straight up 50 50 if you i can't tell if are they you know do they know and then you'll be like i'm a comedian they're like yeah i know and you're like well you gave off like you didn't know at all right and so i you're screwed either way if you say um hi yeah um i ordered a coffee and it's for nate bergatz yeah we know yeah you're nate and so But if you say, I heard a coffee and I think you know who I am, you're a dick too. Yes. It's a hard balance. In an overall perspective, how I try to handle it, that's a deeper feeling, is I really try to remind myself that it's not about me.

33:08And so I'm living a life of service. Right before I go on stage, I remind myself this has nothing to do with me. This is not about me. It's not a celebration to me. It's a show for everybody in that crowd, and I need to do the best show for them. That's great. And so that's how I've, I learned that once I did. So starting out, I always wanted to play Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. And it's our arena. And so, you know, 20 years, I didn't really think I would get there, but I kind of daydreamed, you know, I was handing out flyers in New York City and all this stuff. And you're coming up and you're like, oh, man, what if I can do this one day?

33:46And then. That was sort of the bucket list thing. I want to do Bridgestone Arena. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was just kind of far away and you, you know, it's kind of dangerous. It's like, I'm not, it's a, it's a goal that your, your goals should actually be simple. They should be like, you'd be embarrassed if you can't get them. And then your dream should be embarrassed to say them out loud. And so you just kind of have your goals are like, I'm trying not to hand out flyers. Well, what do I got to do to stop that? And that's a, that's a realistic goal. Cause you're like, it's just a guy, one level.

34:13It's achievable. Right. And so you can then figure out, all right, I got to do this. How do you get on late night? and then once you get in late and you're like, all right, I've kind of got in late. So if I keep doing late night and get TV credits, I can do cruise ships if I have to. Like you can do whatever with, you know. But then when I did Bridgestone and we sold the most tickets ever. 250 people. 250 people. It's a big room. It's a big room. I just looked it up. It's a very, he says arena and that's cute. It's an actual bridge made of stuff. It's a horse arena that you get home. And I'll see it.

34:44Talk about a small dream. Yeah. No, how many people is it? Bridgestone Arena? uh it was 19 ,365 and then so but it's that night I remember having a feeling of like like what what am I like what do you you know I've been looking at that dream for 20 years and so then you're like well what is there what am I looking at now you know and then you just got to kind of find and what I've started with like my Nate Land company is like you just find something else that you you realize like oh I need to have something else yeah and you put it out there and then have a daydream and do the same do the same thing see if it happens this is amazing you're gonna make you call it an amusement park uh yeah I guess I guess I'm gonna find out um I'm gonna call it this was not amusing at all yeah I was not amused we want to be a decent park just where people you set the bar low yeah yeah a place you can go we're a little bit above the Bucky's like it's Bucky's then we're just a little bit above a bemusement part yeah um well i mean good luck with that and yeah i just love the idea of you looking at different people are going to be making sketches and drawings of different rides and things and you're going to be saying nah no or a little more of this a little bit more steeper yeah steeper more dangerous is there a mascot is it is there going to be like a mascot of you no i don't know look i mean this is so this is we're very early obviously this could all crumble and fall apart and goes nowhere the idea of it is like theaters i don't think theaters are are like you know they're not going away like people love going out and to do stuff and there's just not stuff for them to go do so if you can go make movies where a family can go out i love taking my daughter to the movies it's a great experience uh a lot of this hollywood i would say hollywood out here but they've gotten so far off where they're either making an animated movie or a horror movie and there's nothing really to go to.

36:44And then a lot of stuff's on Netflix. So you just kind of at home. So I think experiences is something that, you know, you're seeing even younger kids really want to do experiences. They want to go do something. You know, the idea of like my, we used to get dropped off at the theme park at Opera Land and you could just go hang out with your friends all day. And you want to, like, I want to give that to a parent because that's like, even for that kid, like they get to go be around their 15 year old friends and it's part of growing up and it's the fun aspect and have a safe place for them to go do that where you know you can trust they can do it.

37:16Like, you know, I like the old-timey, like, people worked at Ford. Their whole family worked for Ford. Like, you know, the idea of that where people just worked at this company and they had real pride. You see, like, an older person that worked for, like, a Ford. They will defend Ford to their death. And I loved the, like, pride of whatever they did that it was like a company. My first car that I bought was a Ford. and the first new car that I had, I had a lot of crappy old cars. Your Ford Taurus? My Ford Taurus. Yeah, and guess what? They just found it. Okay. It was involved in a crime. Did you try to take it for insurance reasons?

37:52No, I'm telling you, this is a true story. Three days ago, I get a message from Jason Chalemi, who's been with me forever, who's my right hand. And he said he knew someone who worked over at Warner Brothers and he asked them to drop by their parking garage and just look around. and they sent back photos of the 92 Ford Taurus that I owned that I had through. I got that show. I mean, I got that show. It is a show. It's a super high output. I got that Ford Taurus. I got that Ford Taurus in my 20s and I had submitted a packet to the Simpsons and didn't know what was gonna happen. And I was so cautious about money, but I just decided I'm getting a new car and I get a 92 Ford Taurus.

38:36And then I got the job at the Simpsons. So that became my car in LA. And I had all these adventures in that car and it became a standard thing that everyone knew about me. Yeah. And it always got a laugh. It would come up a lot of times with celebrities where they would say, well, I drive a, I just got a new Ferrari or something. They go, what do you drive, Conan? I'd say, 1992 Ford Taurus SHO, super high output. And it would get a laugh. And I'd be like, no, I'm being honest. That's what I really have. What are you going to do with it now that you've found it? I want to get it. I want to chronicle this, but I want to get it rehabbed and bring it back.

39:08And I'm so excited. It is covered in grime. This person took photos, which we can post. It is covered in dust, but it's got its inspection sticker from 1992. Yeah. It was just on a lot? It's in the parking garage at this moment at Warner Brothers. I don't know why they haven't toted away. It's got, we did a bit with it when I went through the whole Tonight Show thing where I'm coming to work and I assure the audience, I think he has a little tension with NBC right now. And we shot this thing where I pull in to the parking lot and suddenly all this gunfire breaks out and all these squibs went off in my car and it blew holes in my car.

39:46Are those holes still there? Their holes are still there. And it's claim to fame is that the clutch is stripped because Brad Pitt did a bit with it once and got in it and peeled out, which I didn't know he was going to do. It's got a stick shift and he's, it's this Ford Taurus with a stick shift. That's the novelty. And he peeled out in this thing, like the F1, you know, Superman that he is. And later on I noticed, oh, the clutch is all fucked. Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. And who can say that? Brad Pitt fucked up my Ford Taurus. So I want to bring it back. Maybe you and I will take a ride around.

40:22Yeah, I would love it. I like a stick shift. I have a stick shift too. I do too, yeah. I have a joke. If you ever want to, if you want to valet and leave your car up front, just drive a stick shift. because they don't want to. If they're younger, they don't know how to do it. And if they're lucky, they got like a cook in the kitchen that hasn't done it. And he goes out, he's like, all right, everybody turn around. Don't look at me. No one look at what I'm doing because he's got to get back into it. It's how he learned, but he's like, give me a second. It's been a while. Turn your backs. Hold on.

40:57Put buckets over your heads. I have to ask you because a couple of things. One, you talk a lot about these restaurants that were your favorites when you were a kid and they're still your favorites. Like you talk a lot about Applebee's, places like that. And I was thinking, I relate to this because when I first came out to LA, I think I was pretty, I was not a worldly person, but I remembered when I first, when I get out of college, I come out to LA and I was so excited. There was a Denny's across the street from where I worked. and I could, I remember it dawning on me, no one's in charge of me anymore and I'm making my own money.

41:34I can go to Denny's anytime I want. And I felt like I was the king of the Nile. You know, I felt like the greatest. And I would go over there and I'd be like, I'll have an extra large Coke and no one can stop me. And I'm 22. You'd think I'd have been a little more sophisticated, but I've always had a soft spot for those places. I relate to that so much. I think I have a big problem because of that reason. Like it was like getting all this fast. I like not that you can't eat it, but I eat it so much. And it's that aspect because no one can tell me I can't do it. Yeah. Because growing up, if you went to McDonald's or went out to eat, it was kind of like a big night.

42:16It wasn't like you weren't you weren't getting it all the time. Right. So it was a big deal. And then once I you live on your own and you make your own money and then you're like, I can just go. I mean, I go to McDonald's like at any point. And now we've got down a little slippery slope. I had, my dad was a lovely man and never got angry. But when he did get angry, it was always about the smallest thing. And I remember my brother, Justin tells me this story, but he got us food from McDonald's and we came in and we were, I mean, again, I cannot stress enough what a lovely man my dad was and um but he starts unpacking all the mcdonald's food and then he realizes he got the chicken mcnuggets but the guy forgot to put sauce in and he's looking around for the sauce and he's getting more and more uptight you can see him gritting his teeth and then he he opens up the bag and the kid forgot to put the sauce in and he just he starts like shivering with anger and he just went this is a guy who if i came in and said dad i just totaled the family station wagon he'd like, well, I'm glad you're safe.

43:24But it was the smallest thing. Jesus. If you wrap your head, because once you accept that you're going to do this too, that's what's so frustrating. When you're like, I'm going to eat chicken nuggets. I'm going to have that sweet and sour sauce. Whatever, sweet and sour sauce, whatever. They got hot mustard. I'm a big fan of hot mustard. You just have it all pictured. And then when it's not there, the only reason you're eating chicken nuggets is for the sauce. yeah you're not eating them they're just a vessel yeah yeah yeah chicken anywhere eat a dry nug yeah hard pass are your yeah your house ketchup like you're just like so disappointing no i know that my dad a great a very good man is is in heaven right now um and and god is saying to him you led an exemplary life but about the mcnuggets moment and my dad is probably holding his ground And I'm like, the guy's a shitter!

44:18Yeah. No, he's in heaven. He's just eating all the sauce. But you know what makes my dad angry? The guy's up there too. Yeah. He died two years later in a terrible shootout. I made that up. I don't know what happened to that kid. They have one job. I think your dad murdered him. Well, God, they have one job. Yeah. I have to bring up what I believe is the Washington sketches. They got to be in the Smithsonian. Those are works of art. I was blown away by that, as was everyone. I was so happy that it went viral. I was curious before this interview and I checked it out. It's like 28 million people have watched it.

44:51I mean, it's just, uh, yeah. And it's great because it's all true. That's what I love about it. It's all true. And in that new heart spirit, all of it is exactly accurate and it's touching on some really powerful stuff, uh, with Keenan and it's done just perfectly. It's just, it's really, uh, I was here and Mikey, straighter side down like you do yeah yeah just great just really great and um is it fun when you go out there with a sketch that good it must be really fun to do that in front of a crowd at snl yeah well that's especially the first time yeah you know well it almost didn't make it because during the table read i did it and i'm like i'm so i just you know used to performing for a live audience so when it's just everybody's kind of quiet and you're reading like i'm not reading it very fun because it's like it's just awkward and so when we got for the dress rehearsals it was on the maybe side and i really liked it and i was like because i knew i was like oh do good once i'm in front of a crowd like i just need yeah like timing you know it's hard to have timing and uh lauren put it in at the uh we was like all right we can try it last and then we tried it last and dressers learned to destroy and then move up to third now here's my pet peeve did lauren enunciate he lauren reads the stage directions at the read-through yeah did he enunciate or was he eating food at the time he gives popcorn yeah little popcorn popcorn he used to have popcorn and he used to have like carrots and you'd work all night on a sketch and be like this is a perfect sketch and then i'd forget it depends but lauren if he was in a having a little hankering for something you you know like we we open on and then crunch crunch crunch i love that you still remember that.

46:34Oh, I do. And I'd be like, swallow and then say the directions. And it'd be a key direction like, what the audience sees immediately that he's dressed as an astronaut. And Robert would say, the audience sees immediately And then people aren't laughing because they don't know he's an astronaut. And then

46:55They don't know he's an astronaut. Why is he in space? Yeah, exactly. It's a moon landing skit. No, read. Read it yourself. Don't just listen DeLore. Yeah, if he had been eating, they wouldn't have known that you're George Washington and you're talking to the troops. Hello, my people. This isn't funny. This blows. Who cares about weights and measures? Hey, you're hosting the Emmys. I am. They are very lucky to have you and you're going to have a blast. I'm excited. That's what I wanted to talk about. You killed it on the Oscars. So it was, it was, it was very fun that night too, to see you just cause it was like so perfect and it was so fun.

47:38And then it was like that, it seemed like after that party, like you're just like, oh yeah. You know, when you're like, this dude killed it. Like it was the best. That's nice. That was fun. And, uh, yeah. But I mean, you're gonna, you're, they're fortunate. We're in an era where not everybody, the good people don't always get to do it. And I think it's great that you're doing it. I think you're going to have, you're going to have a really fun time and people are going to be very happy that you're doing it. So. Well, thank you. Yeah. I'm excited. Is there any, like, you know, I've not watched all the shows.

48:07That's the, that's the part I got to get on that. Oh yeah. You got to watch the shows and, uh, I know this. I mean, I know generally. Yeah. You just. I've seen all the commercials. That's enough. I feel like that should count. Is that enough? Yeah. Just only the commercials. Yeah. You should do all your jokes about the commercials that air around the shows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if you make yourself happy, it's going to be fantastic. And that's the only thing. The only trick is make yourself happy. We have some pretty fun ideas for some stuff. So I'm looking forward to it. The monologue is, you know, that's just kind of doing stand-up.

48:47So it's like I'm looking at, luckily I had a couple jokes that I had that kind of can fit in this kind of scenario. So then you're going to be able to put that in there and then just really work on the monologue. And, you know, it's like, I think we have some sketch stuff because you don't have as much time as you think. That's what's, I think it's like 12 minutes or something. You know what the thing is? It's not total. Yeah. So that's like, and it's all can be - Well, I think you can get more because you're Nate Bregazzi. I think you can get more time, but - Yeah, you don't want to be - No, exactly.

49:20Exactly. But the other thing is, I always remind myself the times I've done award shows, when I would do the Emmys or when the Oscars, I always remind myself, this is not my show. This show is about other people. I'm here to perform a very specific job. Because people would come up to me and say, hey, why don't you switch the categories? I'm like, hey, it's not my, you know, how come this takes so long? Or what was that about? I'm like, it's not my show. My job is to just do the best I can with the time I have and really try and make it fun. And so, yeah, it's not a lot of time when you boil it down.

49:54It's less time than people think it is. Yeah. But you're going to have a great night, and you should just enjoy it. I tell you what, I've been very happy with CBS. Because we were shooting some promos, and some of the jokes that some of the producers and they have written were very, very funny and self-deprecating, and I could tell they were written with me in mind. yeah like so uh i was very you know excited to be like you know what i think cbs is like they get it and they're gonna at least for this image like they're they understand and like they're being like yeah just go be you and i don't feel like there's any uh you know just from that phase of and the promos we shot were very funny i think they're uh it's real simple yeah they know that they have a great host.

50:44They do. They know that and they want you to be happy. So make yourself happy with everything you do on this show and it's going to be the best Emmys ever. Seriously. So, um, honor to have you here. I'm so happy for you. Thank you. You're a great guy and you're crazily talented. And, um, I'd love to, I'm going to get that Taurus repurposed and I'm taking you to the Denny's in Gower Gulch in Hollywood, which is where I used to go back in 1985 when I was just getting started. Oh, yeah. And it was, and I ate hundreds of pounds of food there very quickly. Exactly the same too. They haven't done anything to that place.

51:27I thought I went back when we were doing the podcast. You and I went back. Yeah, we did. And we had a feast. Yeah. This was like four years ago. Sona and I were in this Denny's four years ago and we had a blast. Yeah, it was fun. And I was like, you know, I used to come here and they're like, we don't care. I sat right over there. Okay. Knock yourself out, Conan. But continued success with everything. Thank you so much. Please come back anytime you want to talk about anything because I'm your biggest fan. Yeah, I would love that. Thank you. Thank you for everything you've done in my career. You played way more of a part than you might think you did, but you've played a giant part in my career, so.

52:04I'm very aware of what I've done for you. And now that you're in the big money, I want compensation. $600. I'll fix the clutch. I'll fix the clutch on the torch. Deep hit the clutch. All right, Nate, take care. Yeah, but.

52:30Three, two. I'm not saying no one says it that way. And we're back. We're back and this is now a segment out of nowhere that's happening because Sona won't stop talking about this. Sona goes back on the attack about how you can't milk Dee's nuts. I explained that, yeah, I think you can. Matt, this is quite unusual, came in on my side. And then, Eduardo. I said, sorry, I'm in tears over one place. Well, let's reconstruct. We gotta cover that too. I'm sorry. Guys, let's reconstruct what just happened in Dealey Plaza so that the listeners know what's happening. Get out the red yarn. Go ahead. It's Spanish.

53:10You know. Are you going to be okay, Eduardo? Yes. You're crying. I am. It's referred to as leche. It is. What is it? You know, sperm. Male sperm. Nut milk. It's referred to as milk. Yeah. But why are you quibbling? Because your whole thesis is premised upon the fact that you're a woman saying suck my dick. I know. I'm saying you can't milk a dick. You can. But you can't suck your dick. I can't worry about whose side are you on? I'm uncoated. Well, this is the United States of America. It's poetic. I understand what they do in Mexico, but you can't milk. It's metaphorical. No one, no guy says, milk this, bitch.

53:46You don't know that. What are guys that work on the farm routinely probably refer, you know, who knows what they say, but what I'm, Blay, what did you have? Well, I came in very earnestly. I was just saying they have almond milk. They have a thing called almond milk. The milk of the nut. The milk of the nut. You're referring to the testicles as nuts, and they have their own milk. He's not talking about almond milk. No, I know he is, but what I'm saying is, Blay has come in with the proof that nuts can yield milk. That's right. We now have the evidence that in Mexico, courtesy of Eduardo, I'll let them know I'm Mexico, by the way.

54:26The sperm is called, referred to sometimes as leche. So it's literal and figuratively, there's precedents. There's literal and figurative precedents. You can't, but no, I'm saying you can't say it in like a sexual way. Like, hey, I have a bag of almonds. Milk these nuts. Why can't you? Why can't you? Because we're talking about it in the sexual sense. I don't say suck my dick in like a dick is a guy I'm with. And I'm like, suck dick. What? Are you having a breakdown? I know, but what is your problem? We weren't speaking sexually. Yes, you were. You were saying milk these nuts in a sexual way. No, you meant you meant jizz it.

55:04Jizz it? What's wrong with you? Jizz it. I was simply saying and it wasn't in a sexual way. It was someone who had gone to, you know, a center to have their sperm harvested so that they could use it to one day have a child. Not me. A farmer gets on a little three-legged stool and I just stand there. You were a cowbell. What are we talking about? What I'm saying is an ejaculation does not have to be sexual. You know, it just doesn't. Wait, what? So you are talking about sperm. Right now you've lost me. What do you mean? It could be journalistic? What do you mean? When I read Robert Caro's first book on Lyndon Johnson, I ejaculated several times as a place marker.

55:56I didn't have a bookmark. And later on I'm like, where was I? Oh, right. The new deal. Here it is. But the pages would all stick together. They don't all stick together. And you know what? You have to know what to do. You use a green tea to get it off. Great. Guys, I don't want to be taken down a pack, which I don't think is right for anyone to listen to. But I am just telling you, Sona, that we have once and for all proven, and this is a rare alliance. This is a really rare alliance. You've got, over there, You've got Putin with Eduardo. You've got Zelensky over here with Matt. And I'm Trump.

56:30I'll take it. And the three of us are in agreement that you can milk D's nuts. Mic drop. Oh boy. Yeah. You got that one. Yeah, we sure did. And you're with me on this one, aren't you, Eduardo? I mean, Eduardo is. And what about you, Bley? Just say yes. Yes, I don't even know what we're, I'm not sure what the alliance is. Yes, I'm into it. Just join the alliance. I'm into it I guess Yeah Honestly the only thing Going through my head right now Is I was at the first day of school With a bunch of 12 year old parents Oh my god Oh my god Let's hear it All I can think about Is that I talked to a mom I had never met before And she like Found out what I did And she was like Oh our whole family Listens to the podcast Together And we love it And so that's all I can think about right now Turn it off And I'm really I'm really sorry Giles Who's the listener Sorry Giles The 12 year old Sorry, you shouldn't listen to this.

57:25And don't milk these nuts. You'll go blind. Well, that's all our time today. Oh, wait a minute. That's not how podcasts work. Definitely. We're out of time. All right. Well, I guess we did some good work today. My God. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

58:02Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

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