Nikki Glaser Returns Again

24:58And I did write a lot of the jokes and I could I could find a way to say, OK, I'm special. But then I also don't want to get I don't want to get I don't want to think that I'm special either. I don't want to think too much that. Yes, I understand that. Believe me. But I'm really hot. I understand that you are. And that's what I'm taking away from this. Drop dead gorgeous. Thank you so much. And you just have to, and you can't walk around thinking that, but every now and then you've got to just go into like a phone booth if they even exist anymore. Where is this going? Don't worry. No, go into a phone booth and shut it and just be like, what do you do in the phone booth?

25:33You say quietly to yourself, Nikki, I am very hot. And then you come out of the phone. You need to say that to yourself. Yeah, you do too, Conan. You could be like, hey, I'm a handsome guy. There are two of those little isolation phone booths here in the studio that you guys could. We could do that. We'll each go into our separate phone booths and talk about how hot we are. Do you ever do affirmations? Because I honestly do that sometimes. Not the beautiful one. Mine are all negative. I affirm various negative things about myself. Yeah, no. I mean, we used to have the same struggle of feeling less than in various ways.

26:08But you know what's interesting? I think you can probably relate to this. I believe that our core sense of self is molded at a very early age. And so I was in a very different situation when I was seven, eight, nine years old. And that's when sort of my view of the world and my place in it was formed. It's like that's when the cement dried. And then later on. And what is that view? What do you take away from that age? Oh, getting picked last to be on a team. Kids give me a hard time. I got a funny name. I've got a lot of freckles and orange hair. And I don't quite know where I fit in. And is that when the amping up the sense of humor kind of took over?

26:51I think it's when I think what happens. I've always had this theory that you're given this like little bag of tricks when you're born. You don't even know what's in there. And then you spend time finding little things. And you're like, hi, is great athlete in here. I don't see it. Yeah. And for me, it was totally for me. it was this bag feels kind of light. Like I'm walking around and seeing other people with their bags and they're just like, all this stuff is coming out of it. Harp prodigy can throw a fastball, 90 miles an hour. Looks like a young Cary Grant. And I'm going like, ah. It's just some chapstick in an old receipt.

27:27But also, yeah. And also there's still a lot of, it's a relatively new bag. So there's a lot of tissue they put in it just to fill out the bag. And I'm like, it looked fuller, But this is just tissue. And then where did you get the first kind of inclination? Oh, you have a special skill for comedy because that had to be the I found it in my bag. Third, fourth grade. I start to realize that that young. Yeah. I start to realize that people are really laughing when I'm doing things and then they kind of give me a break. But then I keep devaluing it and I keep thinking, well, it's just for your friends.

28:02That doesn't really. So it took a while. I mean, it's really not until college that I see the real value of, wait a minute, writing. Because that's when the pussy started coming in. Oh, man. Professor pussy here. Yeah. Professor pussy. Drowning in puss. Yeah. Nope. But in college, that's when you go, there's something here. Well, that's when I started, yeah. But then it still took a long time because physically, it took me a long time for me to come into my own because I grew tall late, very quickly. And I'm 6 '4", 155 pounds. And I've talked to structural engineers and they say it. That's not possible.

28:40And I'm like, and I see pictures from that era and I look. It's fucking crazy. I'm so. But yeah, that's what that's what happened to me, too. Like, I was anorexic at college. I've probably told this on this podcast before, but it was absolutely. I loved comedy, absorbed it all, was always just laughing at my friends and just admiring them for how funny they were. And and I definitely had funny lines here and there. And I just would study comedy. But it wasn't until college where I I was so, you know, skinny and no one wanted to be friends with me. And I was so just someone that everyone was making fun of and whispering about that.

29:17I was like, I got to I got to do something else that people are going to talk about. I got to take control of this. And that's when that's when I started to hear, oh, you're funny. And then that's when that's when I found that in my bag. I didn't know that I was looking in that bag that you're talking about for so long. Like, what is going to be my fucking thing? Like, I want to be I want to I know I want to be a performer. I know I want to be on TV. But what doing what wasn't good at acting wasn't getting I didn't go to even like a performing arts high school, but I was still getting like Jewish townsperson B in the diary of Anne Frank, you know, like I was a senior like this was to be my moment to finally get the lead.

29:51And if you do it right, that's the role. That's the role people talk about. Oh, forget this Anne Frank, bitching and moaning. Look at that Jewish towns girl in the back. And so I really was just so discouraged, tried to go to theater school, didn't get in anywhere, ended up going just to, you know, state school and, you know, liberal arts. I'll just figure it out along the way and just really was like, I don't know what I'm going to do. And running out of it, I wanted to be a singer. I wanted to, I was told that I wasn't good at that. It just nothing was going to pan out. And I was feeling and I was like, I'm going to be a mom or like I can't I'm going to kill myself.

30:32I can't. I really was like, I can't believe I have to kill myself someday. I really thought that I remember having that feeling when I didn't get in theater. You talk about it in your special, too. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, you're you have this capability of going crazy dark, but then pulling pulling up the plane before it gets to be to, you know, I just you know the talking about suicide my special and suicidal thoughts like I I've had those for so long and I've been doing comedy for over 20 years and never really talked about it on stage or felt like it was like something I could reveal because I felt ashamed about it because I was like I don't also don't want people to think in the business that I'm going to kill myself someday therefore they won't give me a job because I'm a liability but it turns out they don't give a shit if you kill yourself their show will do better uh like it's I I really really look at the numbers here.

31:25Wow. You really crunched it back to my career. Yeah. But it doesn't to say that you think that way, because then I learned that, you know, those thoughts don't mean you're going to do anything with it. And then I was thinking, OK, what's funny about this? And the ability to make a chunk of jokes about having thoughts about wanting to kill myself, real thoughts and being able to have people laugh at that and and being able to get out of that and make put that in my special was a huge achievement because that that chunk was not doing well for a while. But then I kind of broke it when I figured out that you can excuse anything you're talking about.

32:00If someone in your life was affected by that thing, like you can joke about cancer if you're like, well, I lost my partner to cancer and like, oh, I've been through it. You do a great run. I have cancer. And when I when I just had that moment of like, oh, I can talk about suicide because I'm going to kill myself someday like that, that kind of when I have that excuse. I like to find ways in comedy where you can say offensive things and no one can be mad at you because I really don't want people to be mad at me. I really like having that to back up and say, well, it's just true because I don't like to offend anyone.

32:29I don't want to trigger anyone. I don't want people to leave feeling, you know, having a panic attack because I brought up something they've been through. So I do offer refunds to my shows. If you leave my show panicked because I said some word that made you think of something that happened to you, I'll Venmo you back your money. At least the part of your ticket, though, that I got made. You know, I really will because I don't I don't like, you know, there'll be cheapskates sewing. It's going. I didn't like the part where you went. Welcome, everybody. Thank you. You've been great. That really triggered me.

33:01I want my money back. Yeah. That's like eating a full meal at Denny's and saying, yeah, yes, this didn't quite do it for me. Yeah. There's a very funny thing that you said in your special, which is, which was actually, it served two purposes. First of all, because you were talking about suicidal ideation and people that, that any, have any of those kinds of thoughts, you give the number of people you should call, which is 988, 988. And you say 98 is the number you call if you're having. And I thought like, that's important. I wanted to repeat that. And then you said, it's not 9-1-1 and you had a, and you had a really funny, you mimed what happens if you call 9-1-1.

33:38They're like, you know, I think I'm going to, you're like, I think I'm going to kill myself. They're like, call us when you do. And then they hang up on you. Because why is there another number? Why do we need it? Yeah, we don't do that part. You call 9-8-8. And then, well, you know, we come later on, you know, when you're really, you know, I thought that was a great joke because it was really funny and informational. Like I thought, OK, you got the information out. That is what I wanted to do, because I don't think you I don't think legally you can talk about suicide without saying something like that.

34:09And I was already wanting to get that number out because it was a long number. It was like a 1-800 number that no one could remember before. And so now they shortened it. And I have a deal with myself. I don't think I'll ever do that and would never even attempt. I've never even been close to attempting. But because I'd have to clean my room first, I always realize, because I'm going to have company. The coroner's coming over. I really do think that. My son. It's so fucking dark. It's such a darker version of your grandmother saying, make sure you have clean underwear in case you have to go to the hospital.

34:46That is a much darker version of that. But I think that that and that I honestly think my vanity is kind of like kept me from even taking going to the next thought. And so, yeah, I just I wanted to get that number out there because I know that there are a lot of people that are like, no one cares. I'm going to kill myself. And I always say, just call the number first. You can do it after. Just at least call the number first. And I'm not saying do it after, but I'm saying if you are so dead set on this, but okay, so let's just see. Just reach out to someone. And I think it's very important to get that out there.

35:15But yeah, that was an achievement for me to be able to talk about that. And I have even more to say in my next special, it turns out. Well, so I'm going to trick you into saying it here and then you can't do it. No, no. No, I'm kidding.

35:31You simulate a gangbang by yourself in a mini dress on a stool. And it is really something to see. First of all, I learned a lot about what, because I'm so uptight and naive in my own way that I'm not quite sure how a gangbang works. And then you're acting it out on a stool. And I was like, oh. So I was laughing, but also there was a how-to element to it for me. That's how I when I was talking about what, you know, the porn that I watch and that involves gangbangs. I really thought like everyone kind of knew what that was. And then I realized I thought back to when I before I had gone down that road in the porn world because you don't start there.

36:19You I don't think I'm that's where I'm ending either. I think there's many places I can still go. You know what? Always push. You can always grow. You can always grow. Yeah. You can always expand. Porn knows. Don't limit yourself. Don't. Dream big because porn. I started with just naughty nurses. That is where you started. And now I'm with naughty orthopedists. Well, they know because if you watch porn, they'll suggest things to you that they think you'll like. And the other day I felt so proud of myself because I saw something that involved urine. Like it was like, you know, just the thumbnail.

36:56And I could see that involved urine. And I just was like, oh, God. And I felt so good that there's something, there is a bar for me. And then I can tell, because I'm like, no, I don't want that. And I could tell the side is just like, okay, we'll see you next week. Like, sorry, we jumped the gun on this. Yeah, you're a little early. But you will be here. You're a week away. This is where it ends. We've crunched the numbers, Nikki. This is where you're headed. And I am. Nikki at 69, hot dick. There is, but there is this one. Imagining what I just think I nailed. You clearly never watch porn. I like that you think you have to have a username.

37:37I know. It's so cute. Shit, I've been using my actual name. No. Yeah. But it's all like Victorian porn. Oh, okay. It's all things like, I'll have that hoop skirt off you. I'm listening. Once I finish this snuff. Watching porn, it's a lonely thing. Obviously, you're doing it mostly when you're alone, but there's so much funny stuff going on in that world and you don't really have anyone to talk to about it. And so it's on stage being able to share my experience in that world and have people laugh. It's like the only way because I can't even talk to my friends about the stuff that they want. Like, it's not even something you can talk.

38:15You really can't talk to anyone about what you see on there and what you witness. And I find that comedy is a great way to like for me to kind of exercise that guilt that I have of the stuff that I'm witnessing because I'm not alone. because these are gangbangs, a category that's like right up. But don't you think you just said that's, this is kind of where I want to go with this. That is so much of what I think this is about. Yeah. Kind of, which is, well, no, but also you saying, I don't know. I have in my life, I have people that think, oh, it must be nice to be in that situation. And I think, I don't know it.

38:56It's just been a constantly evolving situation and pain is a regular part of it and disappointment. And I think we have a we have a world that doesn't show that they just show almost in that Kardashian way, like everything's cleaned up and looks so perfect and looks so idealized. And I just think it's really important for people to understand that, OK, this this is what it takes to be a Nikki Glaser. And this is what the and these are the things that are part of your personality and you share it with people. And it's really funny. But I think it's I hate to say because it sounds so corny, but I also think it does some good.

39:33Yes. For young women that are adamant about telling the secrets that make me look a certain way on TV or make me even perform a certain way. Like I need people to know this is not just how I'm showing up because I grew up looking at women in magazines. And we didn't really know. We knew about airbrushing, but we didn't know about all like the teams that they had around them. And I didn't know about fake eyelashes or hair extensions and all these things. And so whenever whenever I do anything, I or get compliments on my looks or anything like that. I I remember I was working on that show F Boy Island and the directors, young daughters came to set.

40:08And they were and I was really just dolled up. I looked like a princess and they were like, you're so beautiful. And I go, girls, let's look at this. This is I took out my hair, which I have on right now. I unclipped it. I go, this is all fake. Everyone, every woman you see on TV is wearing this stuff. I go, these are fake eyelashes. And the director's in my ear. And he goes, thank you so much for doing this because no one does this. And these girls were admiring me in a way that they wouldn't had I not been wearing all that stuff. And they need to know because I suffered so much from not knowing that stuff.

40:36So I think that's really what drives everything I do is like, I want young girls especially to have all the information that they need to go forward and not feel so, like there's something wrong with them because they don't look that way or they don't they don't have that kind of success or they don't have they don't know they're not as sexually advanced. I mean, that was a real problem for me as well was just that I was scared of boys for so long. And I think that's why I talk about sex all the time is because I just didn't have information about it. So I was scared about it and I didn't want to do it.

41:06And my mom also told me at a very young age, if you're ever alone with a boy, they'll they'll all rape you. And so I she's literally gave me That was because she wanted to scare me. Like, you know, that kind of parental thing of she also. I think I'm just going to say, I think she took the wrong course. Yeah. When she used to what my mom would watch me, my dad would go to work. We lived on like a river and she was so scared that I would venture off and drown that she told me if you ever go down to that river, you ever go past this driveway, you will die. Jeez. You will die. And so, you know, you just believe her.

41:41And my dad would come home and go like, let's go kayaking. And I go, and he's screaming and he wonders why I don't like the outdoors now. But I really yeah, I was just a terrified child. My first word as a child, multisyllabic word was was dangerous. And I would point out things that were dangerous. And I I was completely in fear of everything. I couldn't public speak. And in seventh grade, I would have to, you know, present during recess or when the other kids were like at recess alone with the teacher. My dad would have to call because I would shake so much in front. of the class. I would always do presentations that were glow in the dark so that I could do it in the dark so that no one would see me shake.

42:22And then one time Mrs. Tucky was like, why don't you give the presentation with the lights on and then we turn it out? And I was like, no, that's not the plan. And I'm just shaking so much, my kneecaps. I would feel like I was going to fall over and I just, and then that really butted up against the fact that I wanted to be on TV. I didn't know what I was going to do and I just remember there was a moment where I was just like, you can't live in regret. you're going to regret if you don't try. So I signed up for a play that I had no business doing, but I just had to go do it because, and I think that's my whole life is just signing up for things I'm scared of saying yes to things that I'm terrified I'm going to fail at.

42:54And then I have to fulfill it because I don't want to disappoint people. And I think that's really a key component of my success. Yeah. Do you feel the same way? Do you, do you say yes to things that you're scared of? And then do you dread it? Yes. I say yes to things. And it's funny because you've been around for this, Sona, but I'll say yes to things and they always say the same thing. Like they're almost hoping I don't say yes because they know the hell that I'm going to go through, but then they're going to be part of it. Oh yeah. Because I'm going to be going, oh great, great, okay. So this is now in six weeks?

43:24How am I supposed to do this? This can't be done. No one's ever stood up and done this. And they'll be like, yeah, they do it all the time. Like hot ones. I really want to ask you about what your preparation was going into that. I don't think there was any preparation. What? I mean. The only preparation was. Was Dr. Arroyo. My first thought was, I don't want to just taste the wings and talk about the wings. I have to go in and be a total asshole. I just have to. And I have to have a physician present and that has to be Jose. But that's kind of all I knew. And then everything else from then is just, this has to keep ramping up from the thing that just happened.

44:03And. Because I've never, I mean, I've seen most of what you've done and I've never seen you, you know, you're not someone who drinks a lot and you don't lose control. You're always in control, even if you're seemingly out of control. Right. And I felt like it was the first time I'd ever seen you maybe on the brink of losing control because you were in so much pain. It was, but you still, but you were fighting it and you still had it. And it was one of the most brilliant things I've ever seen. Thank you. It was, I've read everything afterwards about, you know, all the interviews you've done and I've seen you talk about it on the show and I've watched Dr.

44:37Arroyo on this podcast countless times and shown everyone I think is one of the funniest 20 minutes I've ever seen in my life of any. It was so fucking funny that he was, oh, I thought I was meant to take your pulse. No, I know. It's one of the funniest lines I've ever heard in my life. God bless, Jose. And you know what's really funny is I heard so many comments of people saying that they thought Jose was going to come in as himself and that I was going to be myself and we were going to cop too and just do like a behind the scenes. It's like, no, fuck you. That's not what we're doing. It was so perfect.

45:07It's going to be, this is going to be our relationship for the rest of our lives. It's my favorite thing of the year. But I want to know when you, because I don't think I've heard you talk about what the pain was that you were experiencing in that moment. You know, I'm going to say the, if I think something's funny, and it sounds crazy, but if I think something's funny and it's going well, the performance energy or whatever, that just takes over. and I've a car filled with big jockey guys backed over my foot about 10 years ago and I think broke it and I was having a good time and rather than ruin the evening I just decided fuck it my foot isn't broken so proceeded to go and have a lot of fun with these people and then woke up in the morning and my wife saw my foot and it was all like didn't look like a foot anymore and she said we gotta go to the hospital.

46:00And I went, no, we're just gonna keep going and it's gonna go away. And it did. Wow. And I swear to God, like there's a... Now you walk like the elephant. I know, I know. I didn't say it was a smart thing to do. And there are times, listen, there are times kids when you should go to the hospital. But I come from kind of tough, tough minded people, tough people where they could just compartmentalize really well. And my father once had, he had a big surgery and this is a bunch of years ago. They had to go in and like pretty much cut open like his torso and do this big operation for colon cancer.

46:38And he survived it and he, but they sewed him up and he woke up and he's a doctor. So he knows that time in the hospital is dangerous and that medications that sedate you and kill pain, slow recovery. So he woke up, he yanked everything out. He got up, put on his clothes with like this giant Frankenstein stitch down the side. And I flew home to visit him in the hospital, but I gonna drop my bags off at home first and be there just when he comes out of surgery. And I ring the bell for my brother to answer and the door opens and it's my father, white as a sheet. And he's like, hi, how are you? And then I said, oh dad, dad, you should be in the hospital.

47:19And he went, I'm fine. Then I said, well, I'm gonna, after a while, I said, I'm gonna take mom to a restaurant, you know, take her out for a restaurant. And he went, I'm coming too! Oh my God! And we went to like a fish restaurant in Brookline Village. And he's like, this is lovely! And like blue foam is coming out his mouth. And I have a bit of him in me, which is, I've always thought, you know, if I'm about to go out and do something and someone, you know, I'm gonna say lower caliber bullet, but a 22 and I got hit. and maybe it missed a vital area, but still bad. I'll go and do the thing. Yeah.

47:56And then I'll come backstage and I'll say, Sona, I think it's time to go to the nearest hospital. The pain will. Have you seen it? I've seen you in that mode many times. At this stage in my career, I'm no spring chicken. And at this stage in my career, it's fun to see. I think we're pushing it to like a slightly new area. So let's do that now because when am I going to get to do it again? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And I think that's what we're all, that's not just me. If you get a chance at this point. It was so inspirational. I mean, I really, comedically, I was like, I want to go there someday.

48:31I'm not ready to go there. I'm not ready there. The sauce is readily available. I'm not ready to let go in that way and to just trust that, I don't know, there was just something, you trusted yourself in that moment. Like you had just arrived. I was like, Conan knows he can be untethered and unhinged and it's just going to, it was just so confident. And and I did have a feeling that you weren't feeling it. I mean, I know you were feeling like I just I could sense that. But as soon as you got in the car, is that when the pain came on? The pain was also I walked out. There's like a dressing room and I went into the dressing room and made the terrible mistake of wiping my eye.

49:08And that burned like crazy. That's just like acid in your eye. So I was remembered washing out my eye, then tried to clean up as best I could. And then I hopped in the car with David Hopping, who took over as, you know, assistant for Sona. And he's driving me back home because we knew I probably shouldn't be driving. And my hand started burning. And I've talked about this, but underneath my wedding ring, which burns anyway, because I think it was a. Yeah. I mean, come on. That was just a mistake. I should be out there. Bucking and sucking. Oh, man. We're mostly sucking. Oh, no. What? Or fucking.

49:46I don't know. I'm all confused now. But anyway, underneath my wedding ring, it was burning and burning and burning. And I took it off and it was all discolored. It was just because, yeah, it's an acid and it got trapped underneath my wedding ring. Was everyone in the crew just like all of a sudden triaged to you? No. Because everyone seems so shocked. And I've talked to some people that have worked on the show and said, no one's ever done anything like that. And we were all really concerned. I wasn't getting a lot of concern. I mean, were people - You know what I was getting? Oh, this will get some clicks.

50:14Oh, they were so excited. This will be good for BuzzFeed. Oh, so good. This will do all right. Whatever happens to him, and hey, if he dies, more clicks. Exactly. That's the mood. That's what I was getting from that. I always sign whenever someone, I never know what to write when people are signing things. And I'm just like, if I die, tragically, sell this for a lot. Because it will. That is just writing someone, like giving someone$1 ,000. If I die in some crazy way. And I only write that a hundred times. There's a hundred people out there that have me predicting some great, like that is giving someone a gift.

50:49But I want to say that, like, I relate to the pain thing because I wear, you know, like I try to dress up when I'm on stage. I try to like live this kind of like pop star life that I might not ever have in my own life. When I'm on stage, I dress up and I wear these heels. And after the show, people are like, how did you do that for an hour or 20 minutes? You're up there. And I don't feel it. Oh, but the second, the second I stop out of the spotlight, my feet, I throw them off my feet. and it doesn't happen for an hour and 20 minutes I'm up there. But I'm like, literally the foot goes into the dim light and I am throwing them off.

51:22So there is something about a performance that makes you numb. Yeah. And I think, yeah, that's why I should have surgeries during podcasts. I think that's, if there's a mic in the room and someone asking me about my process. I feel sometimes, it's a weird thing for me to say, like I'm proud of you because I'm not related to you. But I have this kind of avuncular feeling of. Oh, God. But no, just like I'm so, you put in the work and you are principled and you are very talented. But as I've said, it's all the other stuff that I think makes the difference. I've seen so many people with talent not do much with it or misuse it or mistreat it.

52:10So I'm very happy for you. Thank you, Conan. and on a personal level and I take full credit for everything you've achieved. You should take full credit. Because I was... No, he should not. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. He should take partial. What I mean financially, I should participate in your success. Well, write him one of those death signatures and we'll be square.

52:33Anyway, Nikki, I'm proud of you. I love you. Keep doing your thing. You are... I said the first time I met you, but you... I would not be doing comedy if I hadn't discovered you. I really wouldn't. There's just no, there's no way. Like you, your show opened my eyes to a thing that was just, I became, I'm a huge Swifty now and I always talk about my obsessions through the years and you were my first like obsession where I go, this is who. Before Taylor Swift. Yes, it's transferred now to her. Because I, I was. I happily passed the crown to Taylor Swift. No, I mean, I could still, I'm just such a huge fan.

53:06Because I want to wrap it up, but have you, have you met Taylor Swift? I met her before I was a huge fan. So I met her before it took hold of my life. you are a famous fan of hers and I feel like it has to happen. Like we need to orchestrate a meeting. Have you ever felt this way about someone you care so much about that you just almost want to, you just want to stay a fan? Because I don't even want her to have to deal with me crying and having to like, and sometimes with these. She'll handle it. She'll be fine. Yeah. I think it's got to happen. I'm just going to put it out in the universe. Yeah.

53:38Taylor Swift. Let me text her. Nikki Glaser. Yeah. You were texting her when I came in. Oh, freaking you. And you were like, just let this relationship keep going. And if it falls apart, maybe I'll take you out again. You're going to thruple with her and Travis. Give Travis another shot. I'll tell you what, it's not the balance you would pick.

54:00Nikki Glaser, be well. Thank you, Conan. And keep doing your Nikki Glaser thing. Thank you for having me. Anytime.

54:18Last episode, we talked to Lisa Kudrow and you had a blood pressure monitor on the entire time and we thought maybe we'd check in with you and see what the update is on that. Yeah, well, I have some news for you guys. Okay. Nothing's, you know, I think wrong with me. Well, that's a whole other thing. My doctor said, I always had great blood pressure and then more recently he said, It keeps notching its way up. And so he said, why don't we just put a cuff on you when it just takes your blood pressure over a 24-hour period? You just wear it and you forget about it. Well, he lied because you don't forget about it.

54:54It's a giant blood pressure cuff. And then there's what looks like a catheter tube going from that to a giant World War II walkie-talkie. And you have to hold that. It doesn't clip onto your belt or anything. There's no place. So, you know, you're walking around holding a large 1940s radio that's attached to your arm. And then every 30 minutes, this thing would inflate and take your blood pressure. So anyway, I, as you know, wasn't planning on this. I thought it was going to be more discreet. I thought it would be some cool little tiny thing made by Apple that they like put into your bicep. And you don't even notice it.

55:34No, I didn't realize that technology hasn't really evolved since the Three Stooges. We're doing medical sketches. So this thing kept inflating every 30 minutes and I had to lug it around with me for 24 hours. So it ended up as part of, playing a part of the Lisa Kudrow interview. Yeah, and so what were your results? Well, the results were interesting. Doctor calls me up and he goes through it. He went, yeah, your blood pressure's all over the map. He said, it calms down at night when you go to sleep, but it's these highs and lows. And he said, so walk me through your day. And so he started saying, what was happening at this time?

56:12And I kept, I had a very good memory for the day before. And so obviously there are times where we're here doing the podcast and I'm sitting here with Lisa Kudrow, who's an old friend, but also a massive star. And so I'm, I'm activated, you know, but also then he'd say, well, what's going on at two o 'clock? Oh yeah. That's when I was having a wrestling match with my head writer. Mike Sweeney and I were just wrestling each other in the hallway. Okay. Well, what was happening over here? Oh, I think that's when I threw an orange at Sona. And so basically, as I was walking through my day with my doctor, it became clear that my blood pressure may not be artificially high.

56:50I think I'm just like a Tasmanian devil. I'm an insane person. Purely environmental, but of your own making. Of my own making, yeah. Did you tell him the truth? Yeah, I told him everything. You told him all that stuff? Yeah. Why didn't you lie? Well, because then he'd say, you need to be on a very powerful drug. Oh, OK. I need to tell him, oh, no, no, no. He said you needed to be on a different type of very powerful drug. But anyway, it was just really fascinating to go through the day and realize, oh, but also, as you know, I work out in the mornings. He was like, well, what's going on here? And I went, oh, I'm doing my weight workout.

57:27What's going on over here? I'm running full tilt through my neighborhood, listening to music. Oh, okay. Then what happens? Well, then I get to work. Oh, good. Things must settle down. Well, no. That's when I see my head writer and I tackle him and we fight. Okay. Oh, well, then what happened? Well, I saw Sona and she had a sandwich and I saw an orange, so I had to throw it at her. Yeah. Then she threw a banana at me and a fight ensued. So anyway, it was just, I was going through my whole day and realizing none of this reflects, my body is probably responding in the correct way. Yeah. And I'm, you know.

58:03But are you okay? Oh, I don't think so. No, I think I'm not alone for this world. But I've had a good run. I've had a really good run. You have. Yeah. I've enjoyed it. I've had a good time. It's about time. And no one should feel sorry, because trust me, I did this to myself. Yeah, that's true. No, I know. You did. So anyway, medical science. Yeah. I just think you should take care of yourself. Because, you know, what am I going to do? Yes, I'm only thinking about myself. Do you know what? If something happens to him, what do I do? Can I say something? Would it calm you if I told you that there was a little something carved out for you should anything happen to me?

58:42Oh my God. Yes, now I want to kill you. Careful, what are you doing? What are you doing? No, it's very specific. If I'm stabbed to death with an Armenian dagger. Oh no! As I put it away. A circa 1902 Armenian dagger. How did he die? He was choked to death using dried apricot. It was rolled up. To the tune of the saber dance.

59:12Not the masturbating bear thing. No, don't say the bear just part. Then when people are listening to it, they're going to say that. The other thing is going to be the coroner is going to be running the blood test and say, oh my God, his garlic levels are through the roof. It's like calling cards. It's the garlic killer. The killings are focused in Altadena and Glendale. What kind of, what is this guy? Someone is making, is shoving way too much garlic into a pita. And forcing, forcing gangly Anglos to eat it. Ganglos, ganglos, gangly Anglos. Hey, we got another gangla went down. Don't tell me. Yeah.

1:00:00Altadena. No. Get over there. And then they can smell the garlic before they even do the blood test. I got a deceased male gangla on the streets. We got a gangla. What am I called? The garlic grifter. I want a cool name. Oh, oh. Come on, improv people. Do it.

1:00:21The Armaniac. The Armaniac. Well, the Armaniac is loose. Another ganglo was found. A six foot four inch red haired, white pasty Irishman with garlic levels 9 ,000 times the normal level. Oh, well who found him a jogger? Well, a jogger was a mile away and smelled a lot of garlic. So altered her course to go by and there was the ganglo. And then we knew the Armaniac was back. All right. Well, don't worry. I've carved a little something out for you. Uh-oh. All right. Later. Conan's gone. What do I get? Here you go, Sona. I know. A little fruit tree. Oh, that's nice. That's sweet. I'll take a fruit tree.

1:01:09I have a tree in my backyard that you... The pomegranate tree. You're welcome. Yeah. It's responsible for all the good things in your life. It's very nice. Yeah. I go on every day and still go pomegranates. Anyway. Okay. It's fake. Okay. We can edit this last part out. Beware! The Omnemaniac!

1:01:51Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.