Old Sharp-Ass

0:14Conan O 'Brien Needs A Fan. Hey, Bryce, how are you? Good, yourself? Well, I'm good now. I'm checking out your facial hair. And you look incredible, just incredible. Let me describe for our listeners who aren't watching this on the internet right now. What'd you say it looks, it's a Wild Bill Hickok. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big old mustache and short little beard and long hair. You know, yeah. I don't know if I'd be, like to be class as Wild Bill, but you know close enough okay well uh let's see what else have we got uh texas turkey creek jack johnson yes there you go okay um no you look incredible um you know you look like you the lead singer with the silver bullet band you look incredible oh my goodness yeah yeah people say i look like i'm off like turnpike troubadours or something so yeah that or uh tombstone yeah well Now, let me understand something, Bryce.

1:17Tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you coming to us from? Currently, I'm in Stillwater, Oklahoma, but I live in Ames, Iowa. I have a transportation company where I haul horses across the country, and so it kind of put me down here when it's time to talk to you guys. Okay, so you haul horses. How many horses do you haul at a time? Sorry, it came out a little strange. You have so much trouble. Okay. Well, I'm sorry. You hauled a horse-tess. You hauled a horse-tess. You hauled a horse-tess. I don't know what happened there. I had a, we call it up where I'm, the parts where I'm from, cerebral occlusion.

2:01Any hoots, Bryce, you haul horse flesh. What? Yeah. Do these? It's still living, but yeah. Yeah, that's okay, that's okay. Okay. How many horses do you haul at a time? It depends. So right now I have a three-horse trailer, so I can haul a max of three if I use somebody else's trailer. Yeah, when you said three-horse trailer, I figured it was three. Yeah. Sometimes you've got to break it down. Does each one get to look out a window when they drive? This is important to me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yep. They get a window, they get water, they get hay, and I have a camera facing them so I can keep an eye on them the whole time.

2:40You know, I have to say, I love nothing more in life than a horse looking out a little window. I do. I love it. When I'm on the highway and a horse is looking out a little window, I'm in heaven. Can you guys share a little moment? No, it's true because a horse is so unselfconscious. That's why when I'm watching a movie and there's a horse in the scene, I just look at the horse because he doesn't know he's in a movie. It's fantastic. I love a horse looking out a window. I could look at that all day. So if I was driving down the turnpike and I saw, or the interstate, and I saw three horses, peeking out of three windows, I would just start following.

3:12I would just start following you guys wherever you went. Oh. Oh goodness. Yeah, I hauled a mule the other day and I forgot to open his window and he just started kicking. Yeah. He was not very happy. And then I opened the window and perfectly fine. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah. You gotta have those windows so they can see. I do that on a plane sometimes. If someone has before me has pulled the screen down, you know, the shade down, I just start kicking. and often the flight attendant will say, sir, you can just lift that yourself. But that's how I am. I just start kicking. You lowered it in the first place.

3:47Probably. I wanted to kick. So this is cool, Bryce. Now, why are you traveling these horses all around? What's the point of traveling these horses? Is this delivering them to customers who purchase them? Yeah, why are you traveling these horses? Why are you traveling these horses? Well, I'm just trying to, I'm sorry. but I and the parts that I come from we say we're plain spoken in my part of Brookline Mass Bryce yeah why are you hauling all these horses yeah you you know that's exactly how JFK talked so you're right why we're gonna haul these horses not because it's easy but because it's hard no uh yeah exactly what you said a lot of uh people buying horses or shipping horses to shows or moving across country, stuff like that.

4:37There's also a lot of importing from overseas. Got it. So I'll pick them up at an airport and take them somewhere. What are they like when you pick up a horse at the airport? Can a horse get jet lagged? Are they sleepy? Do you have one of those little signs with their name on it? Are you waiting there? Yeah. And then hay comes down on a little carousel. But can you tell that they're jet lagged? Like they're, they think it's 9 a.m. but it's really, you know, it's really like 4 p.m. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, generally they don't have a watch on so they can't really touch on. That's right. That makes it easier.

5:14They're obviously a little bit tired and you know, so yeah, just gotta get them moving. Hey Bryce, if at any point my questions get too stupid, feel free to just tell me in any way because - They're stupid. They got, they were stupid from the beginning, I feel like. I forgot that horses don't wear watches. You said, do they know it's nine o 'clock when it's supposed to be four o 'clock? Well, you know how you get off the plane? Sometimes I bet they're wearing pajamas or sweatsuits when they get off the plane. Juicy. Well, you're actually not far off. Sometimes they'll be wearing a sheet or a blanket.

5:50Yes, I do that. I've gotten off planes. I did a transatlantic flight and I got off and I was just wearing a sheet. It was my naked body and a sheet. They tackled me. They tackled me at the Starbucks. So, tell me about yourself. First of all, I love horses. I think this sounds like a cool job. How did you get into this whole thing? Yeah. So, uh, I married a horse trainer, so that's kind of how all this started. And, uh, yeah, so I'm, I, I used to ride horses when I was little out in Colorado and whatnot. Um, and then as I grew up, kind of fell away from it, married a horse trainer and got back into riding horses and, uh, got my own Mustang that I adopted from the Bureau of Land Management.

6:35Oh, cool. And yeah, it's exhilarating. It's nice having a horse, and especially when they're allowed to be themselves and have their own personality. Oh, you mean like sometimes people have horses and the horse feels the need to conform or be a certain way, and you're just letting the horse be the horse? Yeah, sometimes they act like a teenager, not wanting to listen to their parents and whatnot, but you got the other ones who actually want to have fun and be themselves and listen. This is like Montessori for horse training. It's all right. Don't listen to me, Bryce. Go on. It's not you, Bryce.

7:16The blank. It was a blank. I almost thought his screen froze. No, no. That really happened, Bryce. You know what? I'm just picturing a bunch of horses just looking out windows with blank expressions, not knowing what the hell just happened. Usually I try to back you up, Matt, but that was... You've got to keep that in. That was hard. That's got to stay. It's fantastic. I'll not only keep it in, but I stand by it. Yeah, stand by it. I know there's at least one other person out there in this world, and if you're listening, thank you. Tell me, I don't know much about riding horses. Are there different styles of cowboy?

7:58Oh, yeah. There's a whole bunch of different styles of riding, but mainly in the United States, You've got English style riding. I could go on and on. But yeah, cowboying, there's a lot of regional type of cowboying. The Southwest. People have made fun of me because I ride side saddle a lot. In a gown. That's usually for ladies. I wear an 18th century gown when I do it. And a corset. And a corset. No, that's fine. Get a little breeze. It's fine. I don't mind that at all. Sometimes a breeze is just what I need.

8:40Hey, I have a question for you. Do you think I'd be any good as a rider of horses, as a cowboy? Do you think I'd... And be honest, Bryce, we know each other well enough. How do you think I'd do out on the trail? I think if somebody invited you to go riding, you would show up dressed as Howdy Doody. Yeah. Jack. Jack, correct. I'd have a bandana and really starched, like my jeans would have a crease, my shirt would be real starched, and I'd have a hat that had never, like had no dust on it. And it was way too big for my head. Yeah, and then you would complain about chafing because everything's so starched.

9:23And you'd be riding a horse like Robert Downey Jr. in, oh goodness, what's that movie? Bad Horse Rider? Sherlock Holmes. Oh, does he ride? He's sitting there just a horse. Oh yes, that's right, he's not a good one. Yes, in one of the Sherlock Holmes movies, he's on a horse and he's not good at it. Interesting. I have a problem, and Sona has worked for me for a long time, and she can attest to this. I have no flesh at all on my bottom. There's just nothing there. I'm just a pelvis, like a lab skeleton pelvis. So if I was riding a horse, I think I'd be in a lot of pain, unless, can you put a cushion down?

10:03What can you put on the saddle and not be made fun of? Nothing. If you put something on there, you will get made fun of. What if no one could see it? Men and women, everyone. What if no one could see it? What if I just coated it with a thick gel, a clear gel that was cushiony and also had certain medicinal properties, maybe numbing the nerves of the ass so that I didn't - inside your pants so you have like a big old booty but it's real soft. Yes, stuff your pants. Well I do that, but you mean in the back. Yeah. Okay, so Bryce, just move it to the back. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just take what's in the front and put it in the back.

10:45Yeah, okay. And then there's just a huge concave space in the front. Oh, that's real funny. That's real funny. Just move the old zucchini to the back. So Bryce, I think I'd do okay. I'm pretty adaptable and I think I'd be a good cowboy. I know that I, yes, would my ass get sore? It would, but I'm a lot of fun out on the trail. I think I'd have good stories around the campfire at night. Is there a campfire at night? Absolutely, there's campfire and coffee. And regardless, if you stop at midnight, you're making a pot of coffee. Well, I can't do that. I'll be up all night. So, do you guys ever make decaf?

11:27Cowboys don't make decaf. Yeah, no, that's, we literally pour grounds into a pot of boiling water and then drink it. Okay, I'm gonna bring with me a machine that's rather large that decaffeinates the coffee. It's an$8 ,000 Swiss machine, and that's gonna have to be pulled by six horses. I hope that's okay. You're gonna get killed so fast if you were a cowboy. No, I mean, probably. I think you'd be left behind. Yes. Yes. Yes. Hey, but what if the other cowboys start to go, you know, I like this decaf coffee. Let's keep this Conan guy and his Swiss machine around. I mean, have you seen a cowboy in line at Starbucks with their horse outside?

12:09I don't think they're gonna really be drinking coffee. Right, right. I don't think so either. You guys are, yeah, I guess that's, yeah. I have a lot of admiration for cowboys and, well, cow folk in general. You know, I do. It's part of the great American dream. Nothing looks cooler than being on a horse, I think. And no, I'm pulling up somewhere, you know, clapping up and then just jumping off the horse and tying it up to a post and going inside and having a shot of whiskey. That's something I grew up watching all the time on television and it never happened. Well, Bryce actually has a really good question for you regarding this.

12:45Bryce, do you want to ask your question? Yeah, ask my question, Bryce. Yeah, what would your nickname be? What would your cowboy nickname be on the trail? Wow, let's see. Sharp ass. Old sharp ass. He's got an ass like a meat cleaver. Just bone, you know, just bone. You can slice ham on that guy's ass, you know? You wouldn't want to, but you could. Yeah, old sharp ass, they'd call me. Here comes sharp ass. Hey, sharp ass, what's up? Oh, not much. I was just here with my$8 ,000 machine decaffeinating these beans. What's up with you guys? What do you think? Pretty sure they come decaffeinated. Yeah, okay.

13:31Yeah, what? The machine decaffeinates the beans? Yeah, it's a very expensive machine. And then you just have a pile of beans. You could just bring decaf beans. Oh. I already bought this machine. Oh, man, you got to return it. No, I can't because I had the wheels that were on it taken off and ones that were appropriate for the trail put on. Oh, no. Because I was anticipating this conversation. This is such a bad idea. Yeah. It's got shock absorbers. It's got a little cow catcher. Oh, you spruced it up, too? I spruced it up. It's got an incredible suspension. I've put over$35 ,000 into this$8 ,000 machine.

14:07Oh, my God. Conan, that's so unnecessary. Jeez. Well, sharp ass to you. Okay. Bryce, I think that I'd be a pretty good cowboy. And I'd like it. I would really like it. I would love to go out on a ride. I really would. What's the longest ride you guys go out for? The longest ride I've been on was 11 days and probably around like 120 to 150 miles. Wow, that is so cool. Do you think we could arrange it so we're sort of near a Four Seasons Hotel? Oh man. No, but you know what I mean. That's kind of what we're trying to avoid. But we could probably use those circles around the block. Yeah, what I'm saying is we ride, but then I disappear for, I don't know, 15, 18 hours at a time.

14:58And I come back and you smell massage oil. And I've had an incredible Cobb salad. Just incredible. Yeah, I guess we could figure that out. or you could just have the four seasons of being outside. Oh. And deal with the four seasons. There you go. Yeah, sharp ass. Okay. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know, Bryce. There's a certain way I like things, you know? I like to be able to just pick up the phone and order the food, and it comes. So I guess that's part of my life. I mean, you could bring Sona and Matt with you, and then they could just take care of you. Oh, no. Hold on there. Bryce, look, I was interested until you said that.

15:37No. It sounded fun. Yeah. I got a catered old sharp ass here. Yeah, we'll be with you guys. And then when he leaves, we give everyone the signal and we just keep going. And that way he'll never find us. Just so you know, Sona was my assistant for like 15 years and didn't take care of me then. So why would she on the trail? You know, that's not gonna happen. That's true. An assistant. So then that assistant would do things. Yeah. His name's David Hopping and he does do things. Yeah, incredible. I'm sorry. I taught him everything he knows. I don't think so. Anyway, I'll leave you in an argument.

16:09Bryce, what kind of horse would you put Conan on? Like a spirited one, a tame one? It'd absolutely have to be, you know, a 4-H horse, like a little kid's horse. Yes! It'd have to be something that wouldn't blow up or anything. It'd be like Schwarzenegger's little miniature pony Schnelly. Schnelly. I want one where your knees are, like, all the way up to your face. I want one where you have to put quarters in. And it gently rocks me. Everybody froze. You know, Bryce. We can still hear you. Yeah, we can still hear you, Bryce. Don't worry about freezing. Sometimes it just looks like you're really thinking about stuff.

16:45Well, I don't care what you say, Bryce. I think I would make an incredible cowboy, or a cowgirl, or just cowfolk. Why do we have to get into the gender of it all? You'd be a cow dandy. A cow dandy. A cow fop. Yes. I'm a cow fop. A cow poppin' J. Thank you very much, Bryce. Very nice meeting you. and onward, onward and upward. Thanks, Bryce. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes.

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