Paul Scheer

22:58A stepfather comes into the picture who's, you know, it's physically and emotionally abusive. So you're dealing with that. And it's not, of course, none of that is funny, but you had a very singular childhood. And then you describe later in your life, you're talking to your friends and you're saying, just as you did right now. You know when your grandmother tells you that if anyone comes in the house, they'll chop you up and then you'll become a talking hamburger helpmate? You know, no. You've had people say, no, Paul, that's not a normal child. That's not what you do. I mean, like you don't like I remember I raised money to go into the city to go see a naked woman.

23:37That was the only job that I was like, I'm like, we heard about naked women. We were like, we didn't have any access to naked women. We were close to the city and me and my friends were like, let's go get some money. we'll go into the city and we'll, we'll find, and we didn't know how. I think we were like freshmen in high school. Like, you know, so we were a little, yeah, I went to a Catholic school. They didn't really talk about sex. It was very, you know, it's not discussed. No, it's not. I mean, the craziest thing is my health class was taught by my phys ed instructor, which is, I think a normal thing.

24:09And there was a very shy girl in our class, lovely girl. And she got up to go to the bathroom and the gym teacher was like, I got it. I got a good plan. I got a good plan here. And so she gets up and he takes this dildo out of his desk. Now I have never, again, at this point seen this. You just think it's a rubber cucumber. I'm like, what? I mean, I'm shocked because it's like, all right. So, and he goes, all right, all right. And he shoves it in her lunch bag. And we, and we're all waiting there and he's like, okay, she's coming back. She's coming back. everybody calm down and so we're all sitting there waiting and this very sweet girl very shy very nice you know starts to take out her sandwich and goes hey you stephanie what the hell and he rips out this dildo and he's like what is this doing in your bag and he starts waving it in the air and then the entire it's like a carry moment the entire class starts laughing and you're like and that way you know and we're like and he's like i just got you i got you this is not real I didn't just get you.

25:10Oh, my God. That's your person. We need names now. We need to go. We need to find this guy. Yeah. And this is like and that was a story that I like I like again. I was like, oh, yeah, that that's as close as I got to understanding anything about sex in school. Like seeing that dildo shoved in that girl's lunch. And her humiliated. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I guess that's what sex is. This is this is about all the details I have. Oh, that's horrible. But I mean, you know, you, you, you, as a kid, you get very interested in obsessed with making tapes of things. Oh, yeah. You want to you want to record everything and make tapes to the extent that you made your own video store.

25:54Pretty much. Yeah, I made my own. I loved VHS movies. And I wanted to like that was to me the dream to own my own video store. Felt like that was you can't get any better than that. You have all these things at your disposal. It's funny, that was your dream job. When I was a kid, I remember seeing a toll booth operator, my parents driving through, we were going through the Sumner Tunnel or coming out of it in Boston and we went through a toll booth and I remember thinking, that's the life. I looked at a guy standing in a booth and I just thought that would be cool because there's no homework and no one to boss you around and it's a pretty simple job and then you get to go home and watch cartoons.

26:31And I remember thinking, but so yours was video store owner, Mine was toll booth operator on route 128 in Boston. But those moments, it's like you'd get connected. I was like, I could get never ending story. I'd be at the top of the list. Because back in the day, when you wanted to get a video, you'd have to put your name on a list. And then they call you like, all right, you know, never ending stories. And you can come in and get it. But if you don't come before five, next person on the list is getting called. And so I was obsessed with doing this. It's like being an organ donor. Except the stakes are so much.

27:00They bring you. You've been approved for never ending story. It's coming to you in a cooler. Just drop what we're doing. You've got an hour to accept. We've got to see that kid fly on that dog. But then it became this thing where I started having these movies and people found out about it. And I would run a video store out of my high school where teachers would be like, hey, you have Ferris Bueller? Can I borrow Ferris Bueller? I was like, all right, you can borrow Ferris. Like teachers were holding me back in class for me to pass them VHS tapes. And I felt like, all right, this is my thing now.

27:35Also, I love the idea that you thought, and this will never end. Yeah. This is the way. People are always going to need the job, the medium, nothing. It's gold. I know how to put things on VHS. And if you want them, there's no other way to see them. But it was like for this like a little bit of time, like work me a blockbuster. It was the best. You were like, this is it. we ran a fake autograph signing at my blockbuster because there's a girl that just looked like jamie gertz and we decided that we know her i know her we were like okay can you call our friend your friend and have her come in we'll set up a table and we'll make her sign a poster and then we realized there was no jamie gertz movies but there was an ally sheedy movie that we had a poster for And so everything is everything is wrong.

28:26It's a fake Jamie Gertz signing Ali Sheedy's autograph. Everything's wrong. We just like set up an autograph. Like meet Ali, you know, like meet Jamie Gertz and be like, who's Jamie Gertz from Lost Boys? And we hung up this poster in our blockbuster that said Jamie Gertz on an Ali Sheedy movie poster in the front window for months. And how did it go over? Or did people excited? People were excited. People have pictures of it. People have sent me pictures of it because I talked about it one time on the podcast. People have pictures with fake Jamie Gertz. Yeah. And fake Jamie Gertz reached out to me and she said, yeah, it was a really high, it was a highlight.

29:04Yeah. And she's being sued by fake Ally Sheedy. Who's being sued by real Ally Sheedy. It's a very complicated lawsuit, but one of them is going to get to own the Atlanta Hawks. You have a part of your very cool book that is dedicated to awkward celebrity encounters, which I'd love to go into a little bit just because they are my favorite moments in my life. You go in with the best intentions. My new thing is like, I will not now approach anybody because it's too nerve wracking. I'd rather just stand back. I mean, who did you have? Like, is there anyone that comes to mind where you feel like you messed up the encounter?

29:39Well, there's one I've talked about before, but definitely, and it was the truncated version was just, I hadn't had coffee yet. It was really early in the morning and I go to this coffee shop on the Upper East Side and I get mine and I sit down. I'm just about to have it when I see that the person in line who's standing shoulder to shoulder with me, I'm sitting having my coffee on a tall stool and he's right there is Arnold Schwarzenegger. And it was just this great moment because he recognized me and wanted to say hi, but had nothing to say. And I haven't had my, and he hasn't had his coffee and I just got my coffee and it's early.

30:11And it literally just became coffee, huh? And I was like, yes, no, I'm having, it's good. it's good in the morning. And I went, yeah, it's good in the morning. It's really, it's good in the morning to have. And then there was a long pause and he went to have the coffee. And I went, yes. And then there was a long pause and he went, it wakes you up. And I said, yes, because of, and there was a long pause. He was like, the caffeine. And I'm like, oh my God, this is awful. This is awful. And yet, I mean, this is, he is the most iconic, one of the most iconic people in the world and this is what we're talking about oh my god it's like it's like you're trying to make this connection it's like i want to be i just want to like be normal or just say hi or i want to get in i want to get out and i did this movie and there was a guy in this movie that i would hang out with all the time he's like oh you know rdj and i'm like oh who's rdj he's like robert danny jr rdj and i'm like oh no no i don't know him he's like we're we're buds we're buds and i'm like all right great and he and every day told me about rdj and like at first i was like is this guy full of shit and then i would i knew a couple people in his orbit rdj's orbit and i was like you know this person he's like oh yeah that guy's great i'm like so it sounds legitimate this is a guy you're getting to know who knows robert downey jr apparently and now i'm like okay this guy knows rdj so comic-con comes up and uh he goes hey if you're in uh comic-con say hey to rdj for me and i'm like well that's never going to happen but sure.

31:45Great. Yeah. I'll say hi. Uh, and so lo and behold, I get in this place where I'm on the way to go to an elevator and I'm stacked up against Robert Downey Jr. And he's dressed like a Tony Stark. Cause he's going out there to promote Iron Man two. And now my wife is with me. My wife was in Zodiac with Robert Downey Jr. She's at my side and I don't know what comes over me, but I'm like, Hey, uh, RDJ. I don't know why I called him RDJ.

32:11I've been hearing it every day. RDJ. And I'm like, oh, no. And at RDJ, as soon as I say that, my wife, who's been holding my hand, just let go. Like, like, like a parachute. She's like, I disassociate, disappears, like just ejects. And and I feel that. And now I'm like, and he turns and he looks at me. I'm like, hey, I, I know. And I won't reveal this guy's name. I go, I know so and so. And he looks at me like I just spoke an alien language. I go, I know. you know, it's so-and-so. I know Sam Chiswell. Yeah, right. And he's like, oh, uh, and, and, and again, nothing's happening. And so I'm getting nervous.

32:51I start giving more examples. Like, you know, he's got these tattoos. He did this one thing. He did this and he's just looking at me. And now his bodyguards turn. Like, and now I feel, and these bodyguards are huge. Like their necks are bigger than my thighs, you know, and I'm just, and every part of my body is like sweating. And I'm just trying to prove like, I'm not crazy. I know. Somebody told me, I know. Now you're like a gambler who's losing big at the table, but you have, you can't leave. You gotta keep throwing in. And I'm like, I didn't even want to be here in the first place, but I know this guy.

33:21He knows me. And I don't, and he goes, hey man, I don't know who you're talking about. And I'm like, right. And I don't know what to do. So I say like, I'm sorry. I must've gotten you confused with somebody else. And after I said RDJ, and then under my breath, I go Robert Downey Sr. what because I'm like in my mind I'm like I don't I'm floundering and I'm trying to keep it and I said Robert Downey Sr like maybe it was your dad yeah because you know how we all get you two mixed up hey was Robert Downey Sr Iron Man or Robert Downey Jr a man that I couldn't recognize her like and I and then thank God that elevator came and I just I ran I ran out of I was like, I'm not getting on.

34:09I couldn't get on that elevator. I couldn't do it. And that has lived with me this awkwardness. And I look over at June and she's like, what were you doing? And years later, I had a friend who was on Avengers and they're like, come, come to set. No. Well, I go, I go to set and I'm like, it's fun having fun. And then Robert Downey Jr. walks on set and I swear to God, he made eye contact with me. And I felt like every moment just came back. Like, he's like, I remember you. You're insane. And I was like, and I literally It was like, peace. Got to get out of here. I left. I left this set of like, it was like the coolest set I've ever been on.

34:40It was amazing. Big, giant action scene. And I'm like, see you later. Bye. Gotta go. Gotta go. Can't be here. It's too awkward for me. Here's the one difference between us because it gets really bad. It gets really bad. And then the guys, the security is looking at you. And you know how I'm fascinated with how I could make a bad thing worse. It's just my favorite thing to think about. And so I'm just obsessed with the idea that he says, hey man, I don't know who you're talking about. That I would reach out and grab his wrist. and say, you will acknowledge me before this elevator door opens or else.

35:12Like, what can I do in this situation to, cause no, and then I would just, I would have to, I would have to, I would have to somehow make - Even with those bodyguards there? Yeah. Oh, cause if they came forward, you know, if they started to come forward, I'd say, you don't want to mess with me. You have no idea what I'm capable. I would keep, I would keep doubling down. And I'd say I have a razor in my shoe. I would keep saying things that up the ante more and more to try and make it, because the only way to make it better is to make it so much worse. Just keep on pushing it over the limit. Mr.

35:47Downey's coming with me. You'll get a call from an undisclosed location and he will admit over the phone that he does know that guy I'm talking about. And none of you are gonna do jack shit about it. I'm going to kidnap him, bring him to this man, show him. Did you ever tell your friend? I was just going to ask that same question. So I wimped out again because I didn't know what, like, so the movie had wrapped at that point. So we, I finally see him years later and I'm like, should I do it? Should I do it? And June's like, don't, what are you going to get out of this? So he's going to say, oh, he must have.

36:22And I, and he was right, he was right in my sights to be like, you screwed me over. You don't know Robert Downey Jr. And I didn't, I didn't do anything. I walked away from it because. Yeah. What are you going to get out of it? There's no fun of it. It's like, yeah, at that point, it's like he was like, oh, he must have gotten confused. I gave him too many specifics to get confused. I don't know what happened. Can I ask you about the Christopher Walken encounter? Oh, yeah. Because that's, I mean, first of all, he's the character that he just continues to fascinate. And I'm just, I got to know. So when I first came out to L.A.

36:52just with my dad on like a trip together, we did this. How old are you at this point? You're like probably like fifth grade. Yeah. Right. We go on this thing called Hollywood on Location. You go to this little place, you pay 75 bucks, and they give you the locations of everything shooting in L.A. that day and the stars that are in it. And I was like, this is the best thing. So you could just drive to set the set. We went to the set of Simon to Simon and Highway to Heaven, you know, like Michael. Man, you are dating yourself. Oh, yeah, 100%. I mean, this is... We're on the set of Simon and Simon!

37:24This name will endure throughout the memories of the great lore of Hollywood. I met Hawk from Spencer. No. And so we're kind of doing our whole day. We're through the whole thing. We're meeting all these people that I'm having the best time. It's like I've never seen a celebrity, met a celebrity. And as a kid, this was like, this was my holy grail. Yeah. And so the last place we go is this movie shooting. It's called Communion. And I'm like, I don't know. There's like a religious movie. I don't want to go to this. And we hang around and nothing's going on. And the security guard approaches and he's like, you want to meet a movie star?

37:58And I was like, yeah, I'd love to meet a movie star. He's like, Christopher Walken is right in there. Now, I don't know Christopher Walken because I'm a kid. And I say to my dad, I'm like, who's that? And he's like, you know, from View to a Kill, it's James Bond. It's a villain from James Bond. I'm like, oh yeah, I want to meet Max Zorin. So, you know, so. Calm down, Matt. Well, we covered that up. How did this get made? Yeah. Matt, you're lactating right now. I was so excited. You're male lactating. so this uh so the bodyguard or the security guard leaves and he comes back and goes okay chris wants to meet you but no cameras no parents and uh and so my dad was like what do you want to do and i was like i want to go meet chris walk in here take this you know and uh and i and the security guard like walks me across the street and opens this big warehouse door and the the warehouse is just completely dark and ushers me to go in i walk in and he closes the door behind me so now i'm alone in a dark warehouse with like a sliver of light from where the door was and i'm standing there and i don't still really know christopher walken i don't you know right and from out of the darkness comes this face and this movie communion is about a man who like communes with aliens so and i guess this is a part in the movie where he is really in it with the aliens because he's pasty white his hair is all slicked back and i swear to god he's wearing these insane contact lenses.

39:19Oh, my God. And he comes. So his face looms out of the darkness. It's like you're at the bottom of the sea and, you know, where you can only see inches ahead of you. And then a creature just comes out of the mist. And he's like, you know, and forgive this terrible impression because he's like, hello, little man. And I was like, I was like, and I'm like, I'm seeing this guy. And I'm like, and I don't know what to do. And he gets down on his knees. No. To get like an eye, you know, and he's like talking to me. And, you know, and I've never and again, celebrity is all new to me. And I have like in my autograph book in my hand, which is not even an autograph book.

39:55My dad's a pharmacist. And it was like like a pad with like drugs on it. Like it was literally a Vicodin. It says like Vicodin on the top. I'm like, can you sign this? And it just says it says Jamie Gertz on it ten times in a child's scrawl. you know so he's signing this thing and he and he and he goes you know we're making a movie about aliens do you believe in aliens and i go uh yeah and he goes yeah pretty interesting stuff and i'm like okay and then and then he grabs me by both shoulders and pulls me in now we're like he's again on his knees so we're eye to eye he goes don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot not do whoa and then also don't let anyone grab you by the shoulders when you're in fifth grade in a dark warehouse yeah and then he like after that person after that stranger has insisted no parents may be present no parents no cameras no cameras no parents now send the boy and i can grab and then just sent me on my way and i have this random christopher walken autograph and oh and that's the other thing too when i got in there and he first introduces himself to me goes the light hurts my eyes.

41:08And I was like, all right. It was, it was really like, I was like, great. Really? The band and he's so, I just love that. He had some advice to a part on me and he gave me some good advice. Yeah. And in the actual, when you examine the story, he's being a really nice man. Yes. That should be made very clear. Yes. So he's in a dark warehouse and he's requested that a child be sent in. These are things that. He could give that advice with the parent present too. Holding a camera. Holding a camera. No, listen. That could have been totally fine. I have the same rules. Sona, you know working for me that I've often said over the years, send the child in, son's parents.

41:52No cameras, no parents. Sona, have you rented the dark warehouse? It also, it. I know all the dark warehouses. Not the same one as last time. That had too much light. I also think that no one told me that he was going to be in full character makeup, too. That's another crazy thing. Like, I'm seeing this adult, like, fully just like, I got to watch that movie at one point. He was like, wanted to kind of freak you out on purpose. Like, bring the kid in. This will be funny. You know, I think it sounds like I don't think so. I think he was like, if I really look at it, I'm like, he's in crazy makeup and he probably doesn't want a picture because he doesn't want that look to get out there.

42:32I don't know, you know, but, but it's so funny that he was like, I need to impart something on this kid. I need to talk to him. And it was great. It was the best experience of my life. I didn't appreciate it at the moment as much, but now it is one of those things where it's like the best. So I have a, I'm curious about what it took because you talk about this in the book. You had to sort of overcome a lot in order to say, yeah, I think I could get, I want to get married. Obviously it's meeting your wife. Well, it's so crazy because I think that we live in this culture now where it's like, it's not, I don't know, fashionable to get married.

43:05Like none of my friends are married or anything like that. And you don't know what to do or I didn't know what to do. Like, it's like, okay, maybe we'll get married. Maybe we'll do this thing. And, and, and I think the stress of asking someone to marry you is an intense thing. And my wife is one of these people that June, I'm going to remind you it's June. Thank you. Like the month. Okay. Yeah. So, uh, June. hey july baby i love you it's june right right right i knew it was summer so may and i are out but like you know so i had kind of planned this like like you know surprise she didn't know i was gonna ask her to marry her and i think there's a lot of people like you plan it out like you pick a ring out together and there's like a little gamemanship there but i didn't know i was going to do it all in secret june is the type of person where you have to tell her every detail of the night, she often will bail on one of the details.

43:58We can't do more than one thing in one night. We go see a movie. We can't have dinner in a movie. Oh, really? Oh yeah. She is one, one and done. She's like, and my energy reserve is over. But this night I needed to get it to a second location because I knew that that's where I was going to propose to her. And I was like, Hey, you know, maybe we'll, uh, maybe on the way home from dinner, we'll go stop at this beach. I hear it's nice. And she's like, okay. And like, okay. So we are committing to that, that we were going to, we're definitely go to that beach. Cause I have to lock her in so she can't pull out of it.

44:25And she's like, yeah, yeah, we'll go to the beach. I was like, great. Just confirming, though, one more time. We are going to, we're going to the beach. So now she knows you're getting engaged. Just so you know, we're going to the place where it's soft to kneel down. So she goes like, you know, so we're driving home from the restaurant. I go, all right, we'll go to that beach. She's like, why? Let's go home. I go home. She did say we were going to go. And she's like, all right, we'll go to the beach. So now I'm like bringing her there under duress. And I'm like, all right, I got to propose. I'm going to propose.

44:53and walking her out to this thing. And I get ready. You know, I'm about to propose. And I pop down on one knee and I go, Jim, you know, will you marry me? And she looks at me with this horrified look on her face. And she's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I've never moved so fast in my life. That ring box got closed, but shoved back in my pants. I jumped up. I was like, what? What happened? I don't know. What are you talking about? She's like, what are you talking about? And she thought I was doing a bit that I had like done, like just brought her here. I was like, when have I done a marry me bit, you know, in the middle of this beach, you know?

45:28So I'm like, I know it's not a bit. And she's like, are you sure it's not a bit? I'm like, I'm like convincing my wife that, that I'm not trying to. Don't you also understand that this is what we deserve? Yes. Devoted our lives to bits. Yes. And this is what we deserve to be not believed in that moment. The person who will like leave one room, have a hidden Freddy Krueger mask in the other, put it on, then come back and go, what? and scare the shit out of her. Like, yeah, of course you're not going to trust me when I ask you to marry me. Were you wearing that mask when you proposed? I did have that.

45:58I had the ring in one pocket. A little detail he forgot to mention. So, you know, and I had to convince her it wasn't a bit, and I did. And, you know, we kissed, and it's a nice moment. We're under the stars on this beach, and I just hear from, like, the distance, get a room. And I look up, and there's, like, a kid who's been sitting on the bluff, like, watching this whole thing play out. And we're like, and I turn and look at him, He was like, get a room. And he kept on just yelling, get a room. He didn't switch it up to another line. Nope, just get a room. And we're getting, we have a room. We have a room.

46:31You should get a room. And so we had to like leave the beach. You should have invited him to the wedding. So when you kissed at the end, get a room. Get a room. Oh my gosh. You have an interesting wedding vow that your wife insisted on, June insisted on. Yes, I promised I would never put her on scare tactics, which was a prank, a scary prank show. She was like, you have to put that in your wedding vow because then you can't break that. But the thing that was the best about our wedding was she let me hire a Jack Nicholson impersonator to be my best man. Oh my God. You deserve all bad things that come your way.

47:09You deserve a terrible life, Paul. This Jack Nicholson impersonator who arrived to the wedding, arrived to the wedding late and goes, hey, sorry, I'm late. I was at a party at Roman Polanski's house. Oh, no. That was his opening line. Now, the room is kind of split of like parents and adults on one side and all of our friends on the other. Now, our friends on the other side are having the best time. Like, ah, this is insane. And the people on the other side are going, oh, I think he might know Jack Nicholson. And now I had written a speech for the Jack Nicholson and I was like, you know, Paul and June are as good as it gets.

47:45You know, and he was just a wolf And you know, but he's gonna give her some terms of endearment. What did you get to like one floor with a cuckoo's nested? Oh, I did everything and I wrote it. Why are you still married? How is this, hey, wait a minute. Why has this not been annulled? Why didn't lightning strike? How'd you get a bout? Schmidt in there. So I tell this guy the whole thing. Oh, trust me, he does it. Oh, I get it all in there. And he goes, great, I got it. And then the day of the wedding, he pulls me aside and goes, you have a teleprompter? And I go, a teleprompter? No, it's a wedding.

48:26There's no teleprompter at my wedding. He goes like, I'm not going to really remember too much of the speech. And I go, okay. How about read it? Yeah. I was like, yeah, you can have it on paper. He's like, I can't see it. I got to wear my sunglasses. He's wearing his sunglasses. And so he starts devolving into things that aren't even Jack Nicholson. And he goes, June and Paul, yummy, yummy. No! So he starts improvising. Improvising is Jack Nicholson. Yummy, yummy. Yummy, yummy. And then he ends his speech by going, and if anyone wants to give me a hug, I'll be standing right over here. And he's stood awkwardly on this.

49:14people are you can get you can you can leave you can go yeah you can go now uh but that jack nichols i did know that i married the right person that when i brought that up to june she was like you can have him and that was a nice a nice moment yeah that would have not have gone over well for me remember that mission impossible screening you did you had a tom cruise impersonator all right so i my friend uh said hey you want to have like a mission possible screening can invite your friends to it. And I was like, yeah. And so unbeknownst to her, we get this beautiful theater impairment and we invite all of our friends.

49:48And, uh, I know this guy, or I've seen this guy on Instagram. He's a Tom Cruise in person. I'm like, this would be great. I'll have him introduce the movie. He looks a lot like him. And, uh, I hire him and, you know, I was like, it's going to be fun. And the guy's charging me a lot of money for really just like literally come in and say, Hey, I'm so excited about this movie. Ha ha. You know? And, um, and so I get there and, and all of a sudden someone comes up to me like did you hire a time cruise impersonator and i go yeah you can't do this you can't do this and everyone's freaking out because we're on paramount property and it's tom cruise and they're like we don't mess with like he does not like impersonators you need to get rid of this guy and i'm like oh you need to kill him and dispose of the body and i'm like but i mean it'll be fine it'll be fun and they're like you got to get rid of him and i don't know what to do.

50:37And, and luckily I'm like, I think it will be fine. I think we'll tell nobody to take pictures of it or anything like that. And he's like, and I finally, like we, they get him to relent and we bring in this guy and he crushed. He was, he was great. He was great. He came in as Tom Cruise, nothing untoward about Tom. He did, he did Tom Cruise a solid. I feel like he presented the best version of Tom Cruise. Okay. Here's my impersonator story. The year is, I believe 1984. I'm just starting to befriend and write comedy with Greg Daniels and we're in college and we go visit his parents who live in Rhode Island at the time.

51:16They live in Barrington, Rhode Island and his dad's a big wig at the radio station. the father tells us he's hired a Michael Jackson impersonator to be the star of the parade. And he said, can you guys help me out? Because it was Greg, myself, and a couple of our friends. He said, can you guys walk along on either side like your bodyguards? I'll give you yellow t-shirts from the radio station, but walk along and be sort of like the bodyguards that walk along to protect. And Michael Jackson is such a huge deal right now that it could get out of hand, just be there in case something happens. And we say, okay.

51:47So it's a big parade, 4th of July, I think 1984, I want to say. And I know this is real. I didn't make this up in my crazy mind because someone recently found a photograph. And I'm there and there's another guy there, Dan McGrath, who's tall and lanky like me. And he liked the idea of, yeah, you guys are tall. You look like you could be bodyguards. We don't. I was 6 '4 and 155 pounds. And that's wearing a 50 pound hat. And so we're walking alongside the motorcade. Suddenly the entourage shows up because this Michael Jackson impersonator has an entourage. And then he shows up. Sona looks more like Michael Jackson than this guy does.

52:29Seriously. Seriously. Eduardo, it's like, I swear to God, Eduardo, it's like, if you wore a glove, a Michael Jackson glove and said, I'm Michael Jackson, he looked nothing like Michael Jackson, but he had the glove and he put some sunglasses on. And he sat in the back and they had told everybody, we've got a special guest. And it's gonna be a real thriller for all of you. So everybody turns out in all of Rhode Island to see this thing. And I'm walking alongside this motorcade and this is my favorite part. I keep looking up with this guy and he's sort of talking like Michael and acting like fame's been rough for him.

53:09And he doesn't know how to handle the new fame of being. And I'm thinking, what are you talking about? I believe you're from Cuba.

53:20And I think you have a Dutch accent. Everything's wrong. You could lose some weight. Like it was just crazy. So he's sitting in the, and at one point, people I can tell are just sort of bummed out. And at one point, a kid steps out of the crowd with a water balloon and it's right in my, like I'm blocking, it's between me. And I step back out of the way and he nails the fake Michael Jackson. I step out of the way. And I remember Greg's dad afterwards saying, I saw that. You did nothing. And I was like, he looks nothing like Michael Jackson. I'm not going to take a water balloon for him, let alone a bullet.

54:03Absolute madness. Oh my God. I want to make sure I mention the title. Yes. First of all, we could talk, I believe, for 15 hours. So far. It's a joy to talk to you, Paul. And I knew that, so this is one of those just absolutely fun. It feels like a vacation day. I'm going to make sure that none of us get paid because we shouldn't be paid to talk to you. Oh, no, I want to get paid. No, no, no. No, no, no. I'll pay for any of you. This is fun, but I want to get paid. Adam, with the exception of myself, I have to for tax reasons, but no one else gets paid today. It's that much of a joy. What does that mean?

54:35This is really nice. Well, we quit. Yeah. What's that? We quit. No, I don't want to quit. Well, we got to stand up for our rights. Don't say that on mic. Oh, I was going to say that. Say, you bet we're going to quit and then quietly have a conversation later. I got nothing else going on. There we go. There we go. We're with him. Hey, thank you, Michael. Is that Michael Jackson down there? Hee hee. The book is Joyful Recollections of Trauma. Yes. And it really is a delight. And Paul Scheer, big fan of yours. You're so funny and you've got a big heart. And please come back because we could do this for 15 hours.

55:14And I would love to have you come back to how did this get made one time? Oh, I would do that, yes. That would be really fun. Yeah, let's pick, please, just not a baby movie. I can't do that again. No more babies for you. Yeah, no, we'll give you something good. It's too upsetting when such an innocent young creature says, I'd like to fuck her like crazy. You know, it's like, I can't handle it. It's just upsetting. And another thing about Italians. Wait a second, baby. Why are you so? Baby. Yeah. Yeah, a baby with crazy conspiracy theories. We never landed on the moon. All right. Go in peace, Paul Scheer.

55:49All right.

56:00Hey, let's do a voicemail. What do you guys say? Okay. No, I don't want to. Bye. Okay, Mickey Rooney. Hey. Mickey Rooney. Hey, let's do a show. We'll do it in the backyard. We'll raise enough money to save the town. Yes, I would like to do a voicemail. I like to hear, like any king, sometimes I like to remove my crown and walk amongst the people. Okay, here we go. Find out what they're really saying. Hi, my name's Ben. I'm from Ohio. And my question is, it's a little morbid, but there's this new technology or an app where you can scan QR codes on someone's gravestone. And it'll show a glimpse of their life or flashbacks or videos of them or their legacy.

56:46So what would your QR code show people once they've scanned it? And while we're at it, what would Jordan Schlansky's look like? Thank you. Wow. I got to say, Ben, that is a very imaginative question. And I don't find that morbid at all because I'm a morbid person. I spend maybe half my day thinking about my own death and making elaborate, elaborate, elaborate plans and rituals. I love that idea. I do think that gravestones are going to have screens. They're basically just going to be screens. And everyone's going to download all the pictures and video from their lives so that when you're walking around in a graveyard, you're actually walking through all these screens.

57:31and you can look at what that person experienced in their lifetime, their travels, the food they ate. Yes, occasionally a dick pic, but... Yours is just going to be there airing Samsung TV of all the reruns of your old show. There won't be traditional gravestones in the future. They'll all be Samsung televisions that have a grave shape and they'll just be wedged in the ground and people will go to graveyards to really be entertained by what people did in a previous life. The ultimate weirdness is going to be people shooting themselves who are alive, people taping themselves watching other people's gravestones.

58:10So they're spending their lifetime watching a dead person's lifetime. Will that show up on their grave TV when they die? Yes, yes. And then the snake eats its tail and civilization just becomes inverted and eventually it disappears. It's a mind blower. But Ben, I'm glad you brought this up because it's quite clear what my QR code is going to be. It's going to lead you to all my greatest hits, everything from my television career. And there's also going to be commercials so that it's monetized. Oh, no. Yes. So what do you mean, oh, no? That's perfect because a grave needs upkeep. My grave will be very heavily visited.

58:54I mean, look at how many people go see Elvis. So we're going to need security, upkeep, one of those red velvet ropes. There's going to be concessions. Yes, I'm going to probably do a lot of tie-ins. I'm going to make a lot of deals before I go. And there will be commercials. and that's going to help pay to keep the giant mausoleum looking good. What about this? This very segment could be airing on your gravestone. Do you want to say anything to people that when they hear this right now in their time will be listening to you at your graveyard? Yeah, that's a really good point, Matt. Well, I want to say hello.

59:30I had a good life. Not crazy about the way I checked out. I still think it was someone in my family who did me in. Right, for sure. I mean, breaks just don't fail like that. They were pretty clearly cut, and I don't know why the DA didn't investigate. But I'm gone. Let's deal with it. We're dealing with it. But please, really look into my wife. I think she was responsible. I have a question. Yeah. Can I please be put in charge of putting the QR code on there? Because I really— Nope. I really just wanted to go to the menu for the Cheesecake Factory.

1:00:09I want you to put all this work Into getting your QR code right Right People go there It's just to a menu for a restaurant Well, but quite a menu I mean, the Cheesecake Factory has I mean, that's quite a menu Yeah So there's part of me that's almost okay with that, Sona Yeah Okay Yes, Matt, you have a question? I have a comment to those people who are currently visiting Conan's Grave right now Sona and I are trapped in here. Can you please get us out? Help. No. No, because like any pharaoh, I wanted to be buried along with my... Your servants? Who were killed when you died? No, no, no. You weren't killed.

1:00:50You were buried alive with me. No! Yes. That's my biggest fear. I won't do that. Yes. Oh, you won't do that? I won't. Listen, if it wasn't my biggest fear, I'd be fine with it. Okay, that's your deal breaker. But I don't want to... I would rather not be buried alive. It really is. I have like nightmares about it. That's your greatest fear? What about you check into a hotel and the bar is closed? Okay. Because I've seen you when that happens and you start throwing shit around the lobby. It's pretty intense. No, you were buried with me because, and you willingly went. You're my loyal servants and everything I'm going to need in the afterlife, which includes Matt, you, Sona, and some recording equipment and a lot of cheese popcorn that doesn't go stale.

1:01:39It's hermetically sealed. That's all we need in the afterlife. We're going to be podcasting from the afterlife? This is hell. It's not hell. It's heaven. It's heaven. I'm busy. And think about all the guests we'll get in the afterlife. Why, here comes Abe Lincoln and Gandhi. And look, they're with Dean Martin. Come on over, fellas. They're doing a joint interview? Yeah. I mean, that's amazing. Okay. Yeah, exactly. I guess. Yeah, I love that. I think it's fantastic. We're going to get the best podcast guests in the afterlife. That's where all the great people are. So I'm glad we had this talk and I'm glad we answered this question.

1:02:15Ben, I'm going to get to work right away on putting this QR code on my gravestone. I hope we don't need it for many, many years. The cheesecake factory. But that's up to my wife and her plan to get me out of the picture. Anyway, we'll put a QR code on it and it will link to all my greatest hits. Plus, every 20 minutes, the menu for the Cheesecake Factory.

1:02:57Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:03:02Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.