Paul Scheer Returns

25:45So now, as I explained that bit to you, years later, that's how familiar the audience was with this bit. So we start kissing. Crickets. Crickets. So they didn't know the reference. Didn't know the reference at all. They didn't show an image. They didn't do anything. They just said it. Now, I'm sitting next to Brooklyn Decker, Jonah Hill, and I feel like Dwight Howard. you know like like we're in this like grouping of people and you know cuts us dead sign we're just making out making out dead silence now the bit is uh contracted to happen three more times and so i go well they're clearly gonna cut the bit coming back no they didn't cut the bit and every single time it died it almost like then the audience got mad second time i was like they're doing this again?

26:39We didn't like this. No, we voted on this. Yeah, yeah. This was... No, no, he is not to return to office. Yeah. And so like, then like the third time we're doing it again, now the audience is angry at us. And I will never forget this moment. We had worked our way from the seats all the way to the stage. It was the final act of the show. Seth killing it. Everything working except for this bit. And we're like, I was going out there with London. I'm like, okay, we got to do this one more time. And this is great. I'm watching Twitter just be like, this bit sucks these guys suck you know it's like oh no and uh we kiss it gets nothing and i walk off and there's jay leno just standing off to the side of the stage denim on top denim on bottom and goes yeah didn't work and i was like

27:27like that was the i was like yeah it didn't work it didn't work like i know it didn't work but be told like jay leto yeah it was like it was it was a mortified bear never walked with my head so low oh my god and a sports audience too i feel like they're even worse right aren't they hard oh but you know not as hard as leto yeah look at least he showed him to be he showed himself to be very supportive that's the important

28:00He does that too, he hangs outside the operating room. And when the patient flat lines, he goes, eh, didn't work. And the woman's crying. That's my husband of 35 years. Heart stop. See you on Sunday. I'm doing a live show on Sunday. I'll be at the car show. He wasn't even performing at the SPs, he was just there. Yeah. We couldn't save your son. Eh, didn't work. um so anyway let's not get distracted or off on a tangent sorry humans are good um i uh one of the funniest things though i don't know if it was the espies or what but it might have been the espies i think it was will ferrell came out as harry carrie okay you ever seen this footage he comes out as the chicago announcer harry carrie who's got like a big way of talking kind of like this with big fake teeth and harry carrie is just slamming different doing jokes on different people uh famous athletes in the audience and they are not laughing and they're insulted and it's the funniest thing it's great it's great because i mean it's it's just like watching snuff or something but i'm enjoying excuse me how do you know am i right about that Which was it?

29:15Was it Jim? 1998 ESPYs. It was Will Ferrell as Harry Caray. Will Ferrell as Harry Caray. And I think he's saying things like, you know, you know, John Elway saved a lot of money because he he still didn't get his teeth fixed. And they'll cut to John Elway just staring. And I love it. I'm sorry. I'm I apologize that people had a bad time that night. But I think it's wonderful. I mean, it is. You look at me like I'm a horrible person, but it's something about - But you don't like bombing, but you laugh at other people bombing? No, no, no. You're missing the point. I love what Will is doing. I am pro-Will.

29:53It's funny to you. It's really funny to me. And I think even if I was doing that and people were angry, I think I'd be laughing inside. I'd be falling apart. You'll appreciate this note. Norm MacDonald hosted that year. Yes, Norm MacDonald hosted, which is perfect. Yes, I knew Norm. Yeah, that's right. I knew that. Norm did that bit for one of the roasts where he just did old roast jokes that were like 1950s. And it was like in a bombed in a room. It's one of my favorite things. No, and that's the thing, too, is there is bombing can be divine. Yeah. So you you've taken this love you have for sometimes niche ideas that could only exist if a certain kind of show is around.

30:32But now the world, I think, has grown with you where you can do these podcasts and do these other projects. that are phenomenally successful and you don't have to make any kind of concession. The stuff that's in your head can be presented without any kind of filter. And it's like, how did this get made? Is you and your wife and Manzoukas getting to do your thing? It's just hanging out and just doing bits with friends. And I think you're right. Like this idea of getting to just make your own thing and playing to a niche audience. And, you know, and like, I think you can play to big audiences too, but like just being able to have an outlet where people like seeing the seams, like, you know, if that makes sense.

31:18I did this show with Rob Hubel called the dark web. And we have, we are now in a world where we've pretended that our studio has burnt to the ground. We've only been eating mustard and raw hot dogs. And now we have envisioned ourselves as hosts of a kid's YouTube show. And we've actually made like a it will only be on kids youtube now like we got it approved by youtube like i'm like and they do any research on you we were literally almost full circle back to the robot show we did a full kid show and youtube has like been very supportive of it like you just can't associate it with the other thing but it's like yeah we just get to go down this weird path and i don't know i mean it's for i guess the idea is like you're not making it for anyone but you're making it for the, that you think it's funny.

32:06And I feel like it's so hard because people will tell you a million times like, oh, that doesn't work. I remember one person, uh, when I was doing a sketch show for Fox, they were like, oh, that that's not funny. And that's a hard note to get because it's the only thing that you, well, it could be funny to me. It's not funny to you. It's like, there's no one baseline of funny. No one ever says like, that's not dramatic. It's like, well, yeah, it's like, you know, dramas don't get judged the same way comedy is doing weird. weird. If they just put, I don't think that's funny. Right. That saves that's that makes them much more human to me.

32:37And then at least we can have a conversation. Yeah. And I don't think everybody needs to find everything funny. Like, you know, it's like you look at certain comedians, they'll sell out an arena and it's like that may not be my cup of tea, but clearly it's working. I don't think that they're not funny. It's just like it's not for me. Right. But then you also get to, I think when you get those bigger things through, it's insane. I did a thing for adult swim. Mike Lazo used to let us make 3am infomercials and he's like, whatever, as long as you just like, it's gotta be weird. And so I was like, I said to him, I was like, I want to make one where it's just like a hotel TV.

33:12Like it just looks like you're in a hotel room and this is like an ad for the hotel that you're in. And he's like, all right. And we got Ray wise to host this thing. It was a hotel that was clearly built on Native American land. And they have come back to haunt this hotel. And their transmission is getting altered throughout it. And they're being told to leave the hotel. And he's very much like Steve Wynn. Like, come in here and you'll get a massage. And you'll die. You'll die here.

33:44And we could make a 15-minute long thing for, I mean, whoever's up at 3 a.m. Well, that was to the magic of when you mentioned 3 a.m., the magic of making things and people will find it or they won't. Right. That's kind of a magic thing. We were on at 1230 until 130. And I just always think that time slot helped us a lot. Right. Because there was no Internet. People were seeing it and often thinking, is this really happening or am I just, you know? Right. It's sort of like you're getting a mentality. Like I used to love doing like these 11 p.m. shows because anyone who comes out for an 11 p.m.

34:22show is up for something completely different than people coming out for a 7.30 or an 8 o 'clock show. Right, right. And it's like, if you're up at 12.30, you're down to go a little bit more. I had a different way of thinking of it, which is it's your fault. If you're up at 12.30, you are complicit in this crime. And get ready for some apes on a beach. Because you should be sleeping, you creep. So on the show, How Did This Get Made? Which I did once. And I think we did, How Did This? Look Who's Talking. Look Who's Talking 2. Yes. I think it was the second one. Yes. 2-0-0. Or T-O-O, sorry. That was crazy, what you just did.

35:02That was clearly insane. This man's having a seizure. But that feels like it would be the gift that just keeps on giving. The podcast is massively successful. there's no shortage of movies where you would say how did this get made and they keep making more of them well i think that that's the thing that we've loved is you know that everything gets started with the best intentions any movie that i've been on yeah it's like oh this is gonna be good this is gonna be you know we don't see it but it's gonna be good you know it's like no one goes in being like this is a stinker i think sometimes they do but but mostly not mostly not Yeah.

35:41So you go into it and you're like, you're, you know, and I think what's so funny is that we try to look at it from that point of view. Like, well, this was the best of all, you know, everyone's trying to make something here. And then all of a sudden your budget gets slashed and you just get ripped apart. And when we watch these shows, like Jason takes Manhattan, that's Friday the 13th, part eight. He is in Manhattan for five minutes. Yeah. Okay. And it's Canada. And it's Canada. All right. Walk me through this movie. I don't know this. So take me through it and Matt, jump in. This is your terrain.

36:11It's Friday the 13th, part eight. Jason takes Manhattan. Okay. It is taking place primarily on a senior cruise as they leave Crystal Lake, which I guess connects. That's the big mystery is how Crystal Lake suddenly connects to the Hudson River. Yes. And they're on a two night cruise to get to New York. So it's a cruise that goes from a lake in Canada, maybe. From New Jersey, technically. And everyone loves a cruise. that starts in a lake in New Jersey and makes its way probably partially over land. Yeah. And gets the Manhattan... It's the Werner Herzog movie. And it's not a attractive cruise on there.

36:53It's a barge. It does look like a barge. It's very much the ship they could get for the movie. Yes. And do they try and make this ship look like something that people would want to... Try is a charitable word. Yeah. I gotta see this. because it's like an engine room they go into at one point yes they also um they also have a disco which is very small but is the most unappealing disco it's like a disco in an old age home that's what it kind of feels like it feels like yeah like and they also are trying not to make it too uh too violent so all the deaths are very like just push you except the one guy gets his head punched off yes a boxer punched off punched off yeah by jason so uh jason takes on a boxer and the box is trying to box him yeah the boxers that's actually i would argue the funniest part of the film i have a soft spot for this movie yeah there are some good moments in it there's a lot of cocaine within the characters in the film like they're they're on cocaine so their reactions to jason are odd as well they're a little bit more ready to fight this this man right um they're old people?

37:58Did you say they're old people? Well, I mean, this is a weird thing of 80s movies. Everyone who is in high school looks about 35. And they might actually be young. I don't know. Aging has changed in a way. Yeah, but the... It actually has. It has. You look at a movie and like a gnarled old Humphrey Bogart, I'll be like, I'll tell you something, kid, and you'll see it. You'll look it up and he was 34. Yeah. What was that? What? Wilford Brimley and Cocoon was only like... 49! 40? No, he's much younger than, they put a picture up of Wilford Brimley from Cocoon or The Natural, and they'll say he's like eight years younger than Paul Rudd.

38:37Yes. And in the picture of Paul Rudd, he looks like, oh, he's a, he looks like a scoop of sherbet. He's delicious. Well, I mean, I always think about like Lethal Weapon, Danny Glover's character's like, I'm too old for this shit. He was 42. Yeah. You know, it was like, wow, all right. Like, and he's like, he's the old man. I don't think we live in an era where no one, we don't really grow up. We didn't go off and fight World War II. Yeah, that's true. We didn't start smoking when we were 15. We didn't have to, we didn't get shot at. We didn't live a hard life. Yeah, we then didn't, you know, drink ourselves into oblivion every night after our soul-crushing job.

39:15We're on, let's improvise! Let's get on stage and be robots. Yeah, let's be robots on stage, but first my smoothie! Yay! How much? $15 for a smoothie? What a bargain. What a bargain. That is a bargain. Well, time to get into my little electric car and go home. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, nine hours of sleep. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Where's my apps? Boo. I can't believe I can't find one. Oh, there it is. What the hell? That's the whole world now. It is. It's weird. And I'm not doing the old man thing. I'm that guy. No, I mean, look, I did something weird. We have a trick or trunk at my kids' school where you can, you decorate your trunk like a haunted house.

39:59I'm doing one Friday, yeah. Oh, yeah. And anything that involves kids in the trunk of your car. I'm sorry. Get in there. It's the only thing we do with kids in trunks. I was told. You're in there. A trick or trunk? Oh, I would. We call it a trunk or treat. Oh, okay. I call it kidnapping. We all have our different fun names for it. I did get in trouble one year for my trunk or treat, which was I thought this would be a really funny idea. And do it. You do need to explain what trunk. Because I still don't know what it is. It sounds creepy. So basically what it is on Halloween day, it's a chance for the kids at a school, probably up to like sixth grade to trick or treat with their classmates.

40:39All the parents come. They pop their trunk. They decorate their trunks in different ways. Right. So, you know, like one person has a Star Wars trunk. One person has, you know, my little pony trunk, whatever it is. And it's cute. The kids go around from from trunk to trunk. And it's a little bit of a Halloween parade. I never knew about it. Didn't happen to me when I was a kid. It didn't exist. No, it didn't exist. Yeah. So this is like a special thing. It's kind of great to go to school and and do it. I volunteer every year. I love doing it. And in the beginning, I was like, well, part of it is supposed to be scary.

41:08Right. And no, the answer is no. These are for young children. It should not be scary for them. I learned that. That's a hard way too. And so I thought it would be funny. You're monsters. The theme of your life seems to be I didn't get the memo. What I didn't know. That these little preschoolers didn't need to be scared. Now, I thought it would be funny that I set up a San Diego zoo. And the way I set up the zoo is I got like some stanchions. I got a zoo uniform. And I also got a gorilla costume. You mean you stole our gorilla costume? I took it, I kept it, and I was like, one day. And I thought it would be funny to take my brother-in-law, strip him down to his underwear and undershirt, put him in the back of my car as if he was in a cage, and then me as the ape put on the San Diego Zoo uniform.

42:03And I was like waving the kids over to see. So you're making social commentary as well for preschoolers. Wow! So my brother-in-law's trapped in a cage. They're like, help, help! And I'm like, hey, check out. Here he is. And kids were scared of the ape who would kidnap the human. Did they cry? There was a few kids that were very afraid to come to my trunk. He's OK. He's OK. But we did mess up my brother-in-law's face. So he looked like he had been in a fight with me as well. So you bloodied him. Yeah. As you did backstage with the taped piece. if you can't scare kids on Halloween then what can you do?

42:46And he stripped his clothes off. If you can't terrify a three-year-old what kind of country do we have? My son now always will say to me you can't make it scary. Don't make it scary again. I guess he had gotten some flack from other kids in the school that I went too hard on the truck retreat. So what are you doing this year? This year I'm keeping it simple. It's an alien theme. Like the movie Alien? No, no. So an alien is going to be popping out of my car. And I am somebody who works at Area 51, but I got one of those inflatable costumes. So the alien is grabbing me. And I'm like, my hands are like.

43:23No, you did it again. You did it again. I don't know if that's going to help. Yeah. And I'm covered in acid. My face is melting. Oh, my God. OK, well, anyway, Jason, Jason Party, you should watch it. I think you would like it. We should bring you on. Jason takes Manhattan. And they do, they shoot about three minutes of B-roll in New York and the rest is Vancouver. Okay. One of my personal favorites, and we may have discussed this, but the Death Wish movies are fantastic. Oh, man. But the further you go, the later you get in the canon of Death Wish's. Canon films. Yeah. The more insane it gets.

44:02And there's one, I don't remember which Death Wish it is, but I watched it with our writer Matt O 'Brien. and I just was, the whole time I was in heaven, we were watching it together and a bunch of old people live in an apartment complex. Okay. Whatever, they hear a lot of yelling and shouting and noise and they look out the window and a motorcycle gang has taken over the neighborhood and they've surrounded the apartment building and the old people are trapped inside. And one of them, they're terrified and they don't want to go out. They don't know what to do. They're trapped. They're old. They're scared.

44:33And they pick up the phone. They make a phone call and then cut to JFK Airport, a plane lands. Charles Bronson gets out. No, actually, I think specifically he rides the bus. Of course, yeah, he's the man of the, yeah, he's the man. And also the movie was so low budget, they didn't even want to pay for plane landing footage. So he gets off a bus at the Port Authority. And it's Manhattan. And it's Manhattan. He gets in, he's in the 30s, you know, he gets into a cab, he starts driving, he starts driving North and suddenly, and the cab's driving along and then they cut And suddenly the cab, it's still supposed to be in Manhattan, like up north in Manhattan, like 150th Street.

45:13But I think they're now shooting on a soundstage or they're in Syria. Bronson had a contract thing where he wouldn't leave California. He wouldn't leave California. Because his wife was there, Jill Ireland. Okay, thank God you're here. Because I swear to God, it switches to a completely different ecosystem, an arid desert that exists. and there's some fragments of a sidewalk. And then Charles Bronson shows up and his solution, he meets with the old people and has tea. And then he decides, don't worry, I'll help you. And so he has a concealed, you know, magnum and he walks around killing them. And it's insane.

45:51It's so brutal. And he lacks the charm of like Liam Neeson. Like when Liam Neeson's like fighting off 15 people, it's like, oh, it's like, he's got something. Like Charles Bronson just looks like, I'm gonna shoot this guy's head off. That's it. And it's violent. By the way, speaking of insane ideas, there's a show I just saw here in Los Angeles, a comedy theater called Bronson Tonight. And it's Charles Bronson hosting a show as his Death Wish character. Is the impression good? It's great. Oh, wow. And his monologue jokes are, you know, they're labored, but they're stories about, you know, running into these gangs of toughs out in the street.

46:29but he's trying his best to host a very traditional talk show. He had an animal person on the show and he's interviewing Karate people. But it's like, it's no, it's a great, it really scratched the niche that I needed to be scratched to watch that. Dana Gould, who's absolutely hilarious, he does Dr. Zayas as a talk show host. So funny. And it is note perfect. And what I love about the kind of comedy we're talking about and the kind of comedy that you've dedicated your life to, and wrongly, I think. Yeah, of course, very wrong. Is you come up with a premise, and it's just a big horse pill, and you get them to swallow it, and then you're good.

47:13Right. So Dr. Zayas has a talk show. Charles Bronson has a late night talk show. Conan O 'Brien has a talk show. Conan O 'Brien has a talk show. No, it really is the same idea, which is someone who shouldn't have a show has a show. But I think people, comedy tastes have, I don't want to say that they've evolved, but they maybe have de-evolved or devolved to the point where there's all this kind of attenuated, really cool concept-heavy comedy that people will turn out for and they'll watch. And then there are shows like BoJack Horseman, you know or you know really south park i mean to think that south park is one of the most influential shows it's been on for 30 years i mean do you remember when that like i remember getting like a a wave file of just like the christmas card because it started off as a christmas i got a pass along vhs tape okay yeah on yeah so it was like that was like and it was a comedy currency and i mean that that even started for me you know for lack of a better or I mean, the Jerky Boys was like the tape that everyone passed around.

48:22And you'd be like, oh, have you heard it? And then it became a movie. And I remember thinking, how could this be a movie? And then I watched it and I thought it can't be a movie. No way. I just answered my own question. But yeah, that kind of thing is really interesting, the way that people find each other or you want to like share. But it's fascinating now that whatever we're doing here. We're not trying to please anyone. We're just, we're just, uh, I think enjoying each other's company and talking to people and going off on weird tangents. I'm only bringing it up because I do think things have changed drastically from the way they were 20, 30 years ago.

49:01I think it's like important to be able to explore anything because anything can be a good idea or a bad idea. It's all in the execution of it, right? Like, cause it's like, you may hear something like, oh, that will never, ever work. But I think so many people are in this business there before there's like this gatekeeping of like, you can't. No, no, no one will ever like that. But if you can actually execute it your own way and show people, no, actually it works, then I don't know. That's that's what I think performing on stage. But I love performing on stage is like no one can say no to that.

49:32And no one can say no to making a video. No one can say no to us making a show for YouTube kids, you know, if we wanted to do it. And I think that someone should. Someone should. I mean, technically, we will be arrested. We will be arrested. Someone should intervene. But I think that that's like it's, you know, because it's hard to sometimes explain that nuance, like why that would work, why that's interesting. Well, a bunch of this, you can't explain. You just have to do it. And the proof is in the pudding. You just have to do it. And then people go. People are laughing. Right. And they immediately accept.

50:01Oh, that was great. I always knew that would work. Right. Exactly. And that's why I would be terrified to be an executive. If someone said, hey, Conan, you've been in comedy a long time and why don't you, we'll give you this job at, you know, Paramount or Warner Brothers and you'll look at things and tell us if they'll be successful or not. I don't know. It looks like a funny idea to me. There's a great thing that gets passed around every now and then. Paul Thomas Anderson's Boogie Nights. It's script coverage of Boogie Nights and it's like, this movie is terrible. The characters are awful. It's too long and it's like this long thing written by a studio person about why they were passing on this script.

50:38And it's the script that he shot. And you have to look at it and be like, oh yeah, not everyone's going to see. What if they found out that the guy who wrote the coverage had a small penis? And it was all just, it was all just rage. This is terrible. No one could have a penis over two inches. What is this, science fiction? What is that? He has a third leg? I don't think so! Penises are tiny and they don't get bigger when you're attracted to something. And you go to doctors and they can't do a thing. Awful! Boo! Pass on this. And then, what movies did he, what movies did you like? I liked the Tales of Little Wee Wee.

51:27This amiable chap with a one inch, with a one inch pee pee. nails seven broads in one night because that's the way ladies like it. Oh my God. All right, I should wrap this up. But let's get that made. I'm ready to make the dance. Put it on YouTube kids. Paul, thank you so much for stopping in. You're hilarious. My pleasure. And it was a lucky day when our paths crossed. And I'm just very happy that you are wildly successful with all these really funny projects. you know and uh i say onward go onward well this is my one of my favorite uh shows to listen to and you're just the best and and you know talking about comedy i just want to say that your travel show is truly like i think this like one of the things that makes me laugh so hard because oh thanks to me is like this yes you're amazing in this you're hilarious but that like it feels like you get to do this awesome sketch show that's like globe trotting that you don't ever get to see You know what?

52:30There are times where it's really hard and I'm in a van and you're in a hot tropical climate and you're thinking, I'm getting, I'm no spring chicken. I'm still in a van and someone's telling me, okay, jump out here in this toga and tackle that guy over there who doesn't know you and somehow make it funny. but it's also uh yeah i i'm constantly stepping outside my body and going what are you doing but i really love it and i mostly love it's improv with people in other lands who often don't know who i am right and they don't even really speak english but my happiest moments are when if i can make a little kid laugh or someone who doesn't know who i am and doesn't speak English laugh because we're doing something pretty primal, uh, then I'm happy.

53:19It's, it's just cool to know that as much as you like, I have a lot of respect for people who still get up and try to do like, and do it. Like you're doing like, you don't have to be traveling all around the world financially. They didn't tell you on the way in. I'm a terrible gambler. I need so many bets on this episode even. I don't even know. Paul, I bet a few million dollars that Paul will come in wearing a tank top. No! Oh man. Fan duel presents Conan needs a friend. Over on under and when it ends in seconds? Okay. I had to give, I gave money here too. And then I'm arrested because I clearly control when it ends.

54:03Okay, Paul, tell me that. Oh, wait, don't tell me. It's over a bite.

54:18Not long ago on an episode, we were talking about how Sona was going to be a featured speaker and Q &A subject on a panel for an assistance convention. I think we want to follow up and see how that went. Yeah, I want to find out how did the, how did it go? The assistance convention. Here's the thing. If you are going to go to like a summit or a convention, go to one that assistants run. Because anything you need is like within arm's reach. Oh, I bet. They think of everything that you might need. I was like, at one point, I was like, I think I have something in my tooth. And I turned around and there was just dental floss.

54:48Oh, I thought you were going to say there's an extra tooth. Oh, you thought I was just going to take a tooth. That's how good these assistants are. There's a slight gap between my molar and my incisor. I mean, here's a tooth. Yeah. Well, I'm just curious. Okay, let's set the table. Yes. This was a convention that you were invited to speak at. Yes. An assistance convention. And it's run by assistance? Yes. So the person who, I mean, I don't know how much she wants me to give away, but the person who started the organization used to work for Dick Costolo, who started Twitter. Yeah, okay. And so it's all very tech heavy.

55:22They all work for like founders or CEOs or CTOs of like tech companies. The people they assist are like real people as opposed to like some late night clown. No, you can say it. It's just I feel like the stakes for them are really high because they're like massive billion dollar corporations that their bosses. So what did they ask you and what did you say? I really do think it felt like I was like a party clown they hired. Isn't this cute? To give some levity to it. I really do think that's what I was there for. It was a really fun Q &A. Because no one wants to hear you say, well, here are the 10 rules about being a good assistant.

56:00No one wants to hear that from you. What? What do you, why do you want to say no one wants to hear it from you? I would like to hear that. What are the 10 rules of being an assistant? Give them enough material to riff off of. Yeah. If your boss has one glass of wine, you have three on his dime. Make reservations in his name and then bring your dog to the restaurant. Okay. And you know that they won't toss you out. Yeah. Look for restaurants with at least$4 signs next to him. Because, you know, he's going to be putting it on a car and you're not paying for it. I just, I had a lot of fun. It was beautifully organized.

56:39I got good laughs. I told, like, some really solid stories from our time working together. I bet, yeah. And it was, they loved it. There's a lot of people who love you. They love you. I love this convention. Yeah, it was really cool. How come they wouldn't let me come speak? Um, I, why do you have to overshadow me? You're right. I mean, you're not an assistant. Why would you be there? You know what? They did invite me first. And I said, why don't you let Sona have a little sunlight? Then they invited me too. Isn't that weird? No, they invited you first. You said no. Yeah. I said, I want, and then I gave it to you.

57:09It was perfectly organized. Great, great people. I really had a really fun time. It was awesome. Now, while you were doing it, were you thinking, I could do more of these? Yes, I want to do it. But I talked to you about this. this is an avenue for you. And I like you to prosper. Not too much, but I like you to get ahead in the world. Yeah. And I think about my godchildren, your two kids. I want them to be able to go to college and stuff. So this is what? I mean, yeah, I know what you mean, but you made it sound like I can't do that now. And I need to. You're destitute. You spend so much on gummies.

57:46I spend, you know what? You're making a joke. I'm not making a joke. How much do you spend on gummies? I love that you're whispering into a very expensive microphone. At least like$250 every time I order. How often do you order? Daily? Daily? You think I buy$250 worth of gummies daily? I don't know you're losing teeth at these conventions. Oh my God. Okay. So you, how much are you ingesting? Do you have one a night? Do you have two a night? No, no. I do like a one, maybe five. If I'm feeling crazy, a 10 milligram at night after the boy's sleep. Just say 10 mil. So you do like$250 every two weeks?

58:25Maybe even longer than that. Like, you know, it's like maybe a monthly expense is$250 to$300 on gummies. Have you had a situation where we're talking$3 ,600 a year on gummies? Why'd you do that? I'm just, just as your accountant. Now she needs another gummy to come down. That's a lot. So you're saying I should do speaking engagements just to pay for my gummies? Yeah. Okay. But also I'm saying you have a big life. You know, you like the good things in life and you're going to want more. This is an avenue for you. And you could be right up front about it when you do speaking engagements. Like this is paying for my gummies.

59:03Yeah, that's true. I thought about it, but then I don't want to do like, you know, like Exxon. I don't want to go. They don't want me to. Do you know what they say? Oh, that's a lot of money. I bet it is. No, I've had. I started out with principals and then. And then I was like, I was on stage like, yeah, you guys make the landmines. You don't have to tell us you're doing a podcast. Keep America moving, you know? Oh, no. No, I don't do that stuff. You should do gummy conventions. Do you think they have them? I bet. They have assistance conventions. Well, I know, but those, they know how to plan them.

59:36No one shows up at the gummy convention. Just a bunch of empty seats. One guy staggers in. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just saying this is an avenue for you that you should pursue. I would love to do more of these speaking engagements, I think. Maybe like five a year would be great, you know, just to make some extra scratch. It would be fun. You gotta make your scratch if you're gonna get those gum gums. But I also, I don't know who would want me other than assistance. Oh, you kidding? No, there's so many people you could talk to. I mean, the Armenian community would always like to hear from you. Yeah, I do a lot of Armenian stuff.

1:00:10I emcee galas. I don't get paid for those. Oh, that's right. I don't get paid for any of those because a lot of them are non-profit. Like, what am I going to do? Ask my people for a payment. Yes, exactly. Say, cough it up. Let's go. You wouldn't do it. Yeah. You don't, you don't, you do how many charity events? You don't get paid for those. No. I always try and hit them up later on. I go by the children's hospital and I say, where's my money? Please, sir. I have no leg. But you know what? It's funny being in a room with all these really professional people. it does make me feel like I wasn't a real assistant.

1:00:48Like I was an assistant to a very important figure. You lost me on that one. No, I am. You know, you are a very big, important figure. And then, but they're like in a complete, it's like meeting, you know, Michelle Obama's assistant. Yeah, exactly. Who spoke there the year before I did. That's so great that they went from Michelle Obama's assistant to you. Yes. Yes, she's got like important places to be, important things to do. I know. That's what I'm saying. It's cool. And, you know, I wrote a book called The World's Worst Assistant and they asked me to be there. It was really fun. It was cool.

1:01:22I liked it a lot. All right. Well, if you've got a gig and you're hiring Sonam of Sessian's here, call 555-2222. That number again is 555-2222. Thanks for your help, boss. Thank you. That's very nice. No problem. Those calls are coming in to a fake phone that exists only in TV and movies. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian and Matt Gourley Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

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