Please Don’t Destroy (with Special Guest Paul Rudd) Live at the Brooklyn Academy of Music

24:02Yeah. You did a sketch that relates to Sad Virgin. Totally. And it's not even true. Right. We're not sad. Did that joke on the Tonight Show last night. Yeah, baby. That's awesome. By the time this thing airs, I'll have forgotten all about that shit. Now listen. Well, you don't have any history with The Tonight Show, do you? What happened with that? Yeah, I thought you were doing that. Let me tell you. Let's get into that. You just couldn't handle too much comedy, see? It was a different time. You guys were like three when that happened. Yeah. I know. You don't care. And that's how I know Sona from the Can't Stop documentary.

24:46Oh. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Sona was in Conan O 'Brien Can't Stop. Yeah. You were high there, too. I was. You drank a lot on that tour. I was eating the whole time. I was high a lot, and I was drunk a lot. You're welcome. Best assistant I've ever had. My favorite photo, and I kept it, and I have it taped up, is there's a photo of, like, 15 people who got backstage at some event, and I'm taking a number of giant selfies with them, and in the foreground, Sona's drinking the largest glass of white wine you've ever seen. Not helping me in any way. You're welcome. Yeah. You're welcome. Have you guys ever smoked together?

25:30Smoked weed? No. No. What about heroin? Oh. Yeah. Of course. Oh, that we do all the time. Yeah. Heroin's a very quick, sustained high. Yeah. It's fantastic. Are you okay, man?

25:48What about heroin? We have to go back to work after this. We do. It's writing night at SNL. Listen, Lauren won't know. He's not there. Lauren shows up Saturday at 1 o 'clock in the afternoon. What's happening? None of this. We'll cut it out. Sure, it'll be fine. Did Conan say that? What's he doing? Is he still in the business?

26:12Can't he just age naturally?

26:19so anyway uh-huh lauren came to an audition that's how you got on snl yes and you did you know he was in the audience when you auditioned for lauren we did we we had been making a bunch of videos online on twitter and tiktok and stuff and those had started getting some attention from people at the show and then yeah they were like hey lauren is gonna come see your show at this like basement improv theater in new york yep and it was terrifying and he had a mask on it was like kind of right at the end a nixon mask he used to do that to try and throw off performers i'm nixon you are really good at impressions my friend yep that's my nixon it was similar to your lorne not really very different impression yeah ask me for another one cat williams what's that i'm here i here i am i'm cat williams and now i'm obama cat williams where did you come up with that i love cat williams so anyway you knew he was going to be in the audience you were terrified but it worked out He came backstage after the show and he shook our hands and was like I think I'll be seeing you soon.

27:37And I don't know why you're laughing. It's not a joke. Who fucking laughed at that? Bring all the lights on. Get him out. Get him out. We start going through people You from Tokyo. You came all the way from Tokyo. People came from Tokyo. They did? And the gas is please don't destroy. Man, you were on the flight over being like, it's Shirley, Tina Fey.

28:10Those guys have made like three videos. Come on, you're the hip, cool thing. You're up and coming. You're on the edge. You'll see. It's all going your way. Hey, I was part of you at a very successful tour this summer, and you asked me to drop by. Yeah. And I did. You guys did a show in D.C. And I came to that show and I watched you guys and you killed it. And you were hilarious. Your sketches are fantastic. Thanks, Colin. You were so, that was awesome. And then you brought me on stage and humiliated me. I don't think that it was humiliating. That was fantastic. It was a great idea. It was also funny that we had you fly out to D.C.

28:51to be in the show and then told you when you were there we had a show in L.A. the next week. That's a true story. Which is where you live. They told me, there's a spot for you in D.C. And I said, I really like these kids. So I flew from L.A. to D.C. And backstage, they said, we're at the Wiltern Theater in two weeks, which is 22 minutes from my house. If I'm crawling on my belly, it's 22 minutes. Anyway, it was nice. I enjoyed the flight from L.A. to D.C. is the best flight. Oh, my God. I didn't know they made a commercial airliner that small and narrow. Yeah, they projected a movie for everybody to watch.

29:35They did it old school. But anyway, I came and I was really impressed with your sketches. They're very original. They're very cool. And I just loved it. I loved being part of it. You know what's funny is you also, didn't you have a three-man sketch group back in the day with Odenkirk? Robert Smigel, Odenkirk. It wasn't three-man. We had a bunch of other people, but we did it in Chicago. It was called Happy, Happy, Good Show. And we did a lot of the things on stage that audiences at the time didn't like that much, but they ended up being on the late night show. Wow. Year 2000 was... Hell yeah. We used to do that in Chicago, and that was in the summer of 88.

30:14And it was a blast. And then who knew? I mean, I always thought Bob Odenkirk was one of the funniest people ever. and now he's one of the world's greatest actors. And I was like, I didn't know. I had no idea. I'm so happy for him. Somebody tagged us in a photo of the three of you and was like, this is Please Don't Destroy. Yeah, those were good times. The tour was a big success. We had a lot of fun. It was fun. And you did something in that that I thought was like this new, I could tell it was a new level of comedy that things have changed, which is you, when you're done with a sketch, you just say, and it does really well.

30:50Everyone's laughing. and you went, okay, so that was that one. We don't want to waste people's time. Next one, and I thought, who does that? Who does that? Yeah. And you guys do it. And I was talking to other comedy friends of mine, and we said, I didn't know we could do that. That we could just say, okay, that's that one. And it makes me think back to all the years where I struggled to think of an ending for a sketch. Yeah. And it's fake because endings are often terrible for a sketch. and so we would work really hard and come up with an ending and be like, well, I guess we sure are the mouse family.

31:29And then they would cut to G.E. Smith, the guitarist, going... And they would go to commercial break and I would just be... We would force America to applaud that ending. And I watch the endings to my sketches now and I feel... It's so embarrassing. Oh, it was a waste of time. Yeah. Thanks! I was a drowning man and you threw me an anvil. I remember when we were in college, John and I were on a sketch group together that the years-long format was that you would black out the lights at the end of a sketch and the whole group would dance together while people are changing. That's a war crime. It was humiliating.

32:14So I think it's kind of in response to that. Yeah, I think we rebelled against it. So you just learned, I mean, Mindy Python figured out in 1969, you can just say, and now for something completely different. And I thought they broke the sound barrier. And then the United States, we just kept plodding along with, well, I guess we do have big bottoms. And then music would play and everyone's like, I guess that was an ending. No, it was really fun being on tour. It was fun meeting people in person who have seen us in our videos. Because people would always ask us, are you guys really best friends in real life?

32:49And the truth is, almost all of us are. So...

32:58Let's just get through this, guys. I don't know who the odd man out is. So we'll have to figure that out. No, for real. These are genuinely some of my coworkers. And... You like those bits? I did like those bits. Thanks, Conan. Yeah, we planned them. You guys must be super excited to be sitting with me. Yeah. Okay.

33:28No, I genuinely don't want to pander to get the crowd to cheer, but Conan O 'Brien is the best to ever do it, and we love him so much. Absolutely. It's not pandering at all. No, we're not pandering. Said that as written. It was your contractual. you guys were very nice because and this is where we have to be delicate because there is a you know a strike happening right now which I think is going to get resolved I hope any hour now any second now but so we're not promoting things but I did work on a project with you guys yeah a project that may be projected at some point what the fuck that was mad I want attention have we boxed you guys out this whole time no we're really having a good time over here I'm very much the Martin of this group yeah feels like the three of you have a good thing going all of us out here there are two that refuse to speak I uh you guys invited me are you talking about the auto workers strike no I'm talking about the SAG after strike.

34:45And so we're trying to respect that and not talk about, say, an upcoming project. I've been told to use the word project. Yes. That might be coming out soon involving you gentlemen. And you were kind enough to ask me to be part of it. Yeah. To play one of your fathers. One of you.

35:09Can't say. And I got the call, and I am a big fan, and was thinking it would be, oh, that's cool. And then I read the script for the project, and I said, the script which would then create the project, which will be projected in maybe some kind of a room, and other rooms across the country. And I said, oh, that's really funny. I would love to do that. So I was honored that you guys chose me from the literally tens of thousands of people that look just like you. It's so many options. It was me or Ron Howard. Yeah. We've been snarky, but we love you, Conan. And for real, when we were doing without honestly promoting it too much, when we were in the midst of trying to figure out like what the role was going to be, we were like going out to a bunch of people like Paul Rudd.

36:06was... Oh, yeah. I felt like... Because you've used him in a lot of your stuff. He's hilarious. He's the best. He's terrific. It just wasn't like a fit. It didn't work for the... It wasn't right. But we love him. He's great. How dare you.

36:30Oh. Oh, God. Oh, hey. Hey, Paul.

36:41What's going on?

36:47Hi. Thank you. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hi. No. Please, sit down. Please sit down. Thank you. No, they sat down a while ago. Yeah. They're probably listening on their phones. they don't know no one was standing up. And don't take it for... They were doing that for all the guests tonight, so... Yeah. Look, I wasn't anticipating coming out. I thought I would just be standing in the wings, not saying a word, much like Martin. LAUGHTER

37:27But then I heard what was going on, and I felt... I needed to say something, right? I mean, I need to state my case. Well, they just said that you weren't a good fit and that they thought I was the better fit for it. That's all. Right. No, I got that. And by the way, they have every right. What the hell? Come on.

38:01Go ahead.

38:10It's fucking ridiculous. Please continue. They have every right to cast their project in any way they want. Of course, they're the creative minds, and I think they made a great choice. But look, I have a subscription to Dramalog. I get the breakdowns through my agency, the Savage Agency. I know what's going on out there in the industry. And so I heard about the project. And I'm like, hey, this sounds great. I should just reach out, you know, and say, great. I'd love to be a part of this. They said, terrific. We'd love for you to come in and audition. I said, guys, come on. I mean, look, I was in Halloween 6.

39:00I'm offer only.

39:08But they wanted to see it, you know, which I get. I understand. But I said, well, here's the problem. I can't come in right now because, well, we're in the middle of a lockdown. It's COVID. To which you guys said, and I will never forget this. You said, that's not a real thing.

39:28I remember that. They were very... And I said, no, it's very much a real thing. In fact, I have it right now. I'm wearing a Nixon mask and everything. That's called a callback. We're learning a lot about comedy tonight. Hey, everyone with microphones, toast. Hey! Wow! What a great experience. There was nothing weird about that. Not at all. So I said, all right, well, look, here's the deal. I can't come in, but I could probably audition. I could do this remote. I'm here with my elderly mother, and maybe if you send me the pages, I could put together something. I can work with her. obviously I felt good about this because as I uh did know elderly people are they don't they're not affected by COVID so uh yes exactly uh so we worked uh worked on the audition and I was really proud of it I was really excited and I said all right well just you know I'm filming it I can put a link I'll give you a password, I'll send it off and then I never heard anything which was a little upsetting because I thought it was pretty good and if you're interested you guys can be the judge

41:07and maybe you can see whether or not I was right for the part or not

41:15I don't know I feel pretty secure that I nailed it but let's see what you did with it. Should we do that? Is that all right with you guys? Let's do it. Let's see his audition. Let it rip.

42:10Now, I get that my mom throws it off.

42:17Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Rudd. Yeah. A little thanks to them. My eternal thanks to Please Don't Destroy for stopping by. Thank you guys.

42:46Be honest, the second you saw Paul Rudd, who knew?

42:52But it still doesn't matter, does it? You're just waiting. Even I was like, oh, I can't wait. I know it's going to happen, but I want it to happen. Yeah, he's really invested in the setup, too. You're like, maybe it is an audition tape. No, it's not. No, he could go on for maybe four hours talking and then working his way slowly to it, and I'd still be happy to see that. He's been doing that, I think, for maybe 15 years to me. Someone did a mashup. Have you ever seen the mashup online? Yeah. Do you have any one? Why are you holding that? Do all of those work right now? One, two, three. Okay. Just in case I need them.

43:32Okay. Well, that was delightful. That was delightful. You know what else is delightful? What? We have some big news. We do. Celebrating this five-year anniversary, which we've learned...

43:47we've learned it's called the quinquennial celebration we are celebrating and this is what we've done ladies and gentlemen I have a card I was like yeah I have a card someday you'll have a card that doesn't say anything on it it says cue setup I know business yeah Ladies and gentlemen, we're here to announce that to celebrate our five years, all new original content, we are coming out with a vinyl record. Yep, Conan O 'Brien needs a friend. Quinquennial celebration. There I am on the cover. And yes, that's my orgasm face.

44:36Shock and sad surprise every time. every time, many times a day. Anyway, it's a limited edition vinyl. Only 1 ,500 copies are going to be made. Yeah, that's right. And it's vinyl. And if you want to celebrate the future, it's cool. I mean, I think it's very cool. And also, we listened to it the other day. It's stuff that hasn't happened on the podcast. It's all new. There's some stuff in there I really like. And the pre-order is going to start tomorrow at 11 a.m. Eastern Standard Time at newberrycomics.com slash Conan. And these are going to come out. But I think it's cool. I'm glad that we have a record coming out.

45:24Yeah, like you said, it's all original content. It's also a little bit more zhuzhed up than normal. It's got some music, some production and stuff. We wanted to make it a little bit more quality. It makes the podcast we do every week sort of look shitty. Yeah, yeah. Or exposes just how shitty it is. Exposes how shitty it is. It holds a magnifying glass up to how little is there. A huge one. So you want to get this or you don't have to. You know, there's 15. What are you doing? I don't like to oversell. I would prefer you not get this. Conan! There's a lot of things to spend money on. You know, these are probably very cheap, but still you could buy, I don't know what you could buy in Brooklyn, but you could buy like four cups of coffee or this vinyl.

46:10Yeah. So, I don't know. No, but it's going to be cool. Yeah. And you should get it, guys. I shouldn't have said, don't buy it. Yes. Yeah. People are going to be upset because people worked hard on it and it's very high quality. I wouldn't buy it. But, I don't know why anyone advertises on our podcast. I don't either. Because I'm terrible at doing advertising. You are. I just like to have fun and a lot of the times I find out, yeah, they're still going to stick with you even though you mocked the product and said it will kill people. They're still sticking with us. But yeah, don't buy this. It's great.

46:44It's good vinyl. Get it. Get the vinyl. Just stop. Don't get the vinyl. Stop. We're losing sales as we speak. Okay, stop. Buy it. Get it. It's great. It's really good. It's got a lot of good stuff on it. I wouldn't get it if I were you. Get the vinyl. It's very good. It's excellent. It's got a lot of fun surprises. I really am saying sincerely buy it. Okay, good. End there. Okay. This is terrible. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it sorry I'm just trying to see how far I can go please okay I'll stop you're done make sure you get it holidays are coming up you want a holiday gift but then think of all the other gifts you could get someone for the holidays there's so many things you could get someone for the holidays how do you even know they have a record player I swear to god someone backstage was like mention the holidays I wouldn't give someone a vinyl record as a gift.

47:39What are the chances they have a record player? There's like one in five? One in ten? That's pushing it. Oh, I know you guys are cool and you have a... No! No! Stop! Don't get it!

47:55Get the record. It's great. It's great. Okay. We're going to move on? Yep. Okay. All set. Ready to go. What's next? For our next segment. No, no. I'm all set. Okay. For our next segment, we are going to listen to some very special pre-selected voicemails. Oh, these are voicemails. These are people with real questions. Okay. And these are coming to us over the phone line. Is that correct? Yeah, live over the phones. Cool. Yeah, definitely over the phones being piped in from somewhere else, even though here they come down the center aisle. First up, Matilda Meyer. Hi, welcome. Hi, Matilda. How are you?

48:30Good. How are you guys? My question for you guys If you guys woke up and you were a chair one day Who would you let sit on you? This is my favorite question Who would we let sit on us? What is wrong with you?

48:47I feel sexually harassed right now If I was a chair Is that the question? If you were a chair who would you want to What? Okay so you go first Gourley go Oh no no Let's have it Oh, well, I mean, I just, there's two ways to approach this question. I, oh, God, I'm going to take the non-sexual way. Okay, share. Wait, what? I panicked. What did you say? I said share. Share, because it rhymes with chair? Is that the only reason you chose it? Maybe. I'm having a real tough time. Okay, okay, share. That's a good answer. She's an iconic, hey, Armenian superstar. Yeah, she is. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. That's a good answer.

49:36That would have been one of my answers. You can have it. No, no. You have to come up with your own. I mean, mine's obviously Slash, the love of my life. I mean, besides my husband. Oh, right. Besides my husband. But no, Slash, who's, you know, my boyfriend. But you want him to sit on you. Yeah. Oh. I do. wouldn't you want Slash to sit on you? No! I love his music but that doesn't translate to I want his ass on me, you know? Oh yeah. It doesn't translate Is that what you're talking? I don't want I think it would have to be a historical figure for me. I would want to say Oh God. Yes. Who? What? I would want it to be a historical figure and because I'm a chair I want him to be very light so there's not a lot of weight a very small historical figure Napoleon?

50:24Napoleon Napoleon And when I could say, Napoleon sat on me, that's a big deal. Did it hurt? No. He's like 5 '1". And this is after his retreat from Russia, and he's lost a lot of weight, and it's a very light Napoleon. Yeah. And his feet are dangling. His feet are dangling, and he's kicking them. And he's like, I'm the emperor. He's dangling his feet. And I'm a chair that's animated so I can laugh at him. You're pretty small there, buddy. This chair is laughing at me. I do not like it. What's that? Your French impression is good. I like it. Oh, this chair is laughing at me. I don't like it. That's right.

51:08That's our really good French accent. Yeah. No one does better accents than Sona and Conan. Yeah. I think we've answered your question. Thank you, Matilda. It's very nice to meet you, Matilda. Thank you. Next up, Kevin Smith. How's it going, guys? Hi. If you guys were to do a group Halloween costume, what would you do? What the hell is going on here? I like that one. I like both of these so far. No, they're very creative. But we've never had all the questions be, this is interesting. This is great. These are really interesting questions. Now, if we were a group Halloween costume? Cher slash and Napoleon.

51:46Human centipede. Oh, no. Human centipede. Napoleon. Human celebripe. Yes. Human celebrity. Yes. You are a celebrity, though. You would dress up like another celebrity. Is that what you mean? I'm kind of a celebrity. I would be, I'm at the front. I'm Napoleon. No, I want to be at the front. Nope, I called the front. I'm at front going, I am Napoleon. I am leading this army of three. Oh, man. And then... Not me in the middle. I won't do the middle. Well, the middle's still better than the end. No, the middle is the worst. If you both die, I'm just stuck. You're in the middle Who actually watched Human Centipede here?

52:29Anybody? I've seen it Wow, that's awful That's one of the most awful things Remember when we were on tour, it came out And you went to the back of the tour bus and watched it Yeah With Megan, and you guys watched Human Centipede And you came out, and it's like you had seen the face of death Yes You came out, your minds were just wiped clean And the internet was spotty, so it would keep buffering and it took us four hours to watch it. Oh, God. Yeah. So what do you think of our answer? Fantastic. Okay. All right, thank you very much, sir. Thank you, Kevin. Nice to meet you.

53:10My name is Sandra Lassenkhal. I'm a huge fan of you all. Conan and I made a sculpture of your face in high school, but that's not my question. Wait, well, I'd like to ask a few questions about that before we get to your question. That bears a follow-up. That makes sense. Well, let's, and where are you from? From Long Island. Okay, you're from Long Island. And woo. I just added one woo because there were so few. You made a sculpture of me in high school. And everyone got to choose what they got to sculpt. And you, how did it go over with the teacher when you said, first of all, did the teacher know that it was Conan O 'Brien or do you think that it was someone else?

53:47So we had to bring like an example photo. So of course I brought you, Everyone brought, like, you know, Greek figures, you know, Taylor Swift. I brought Conan O 'Brien. Sona, I don't know why you're laughing. Everyone brought great figures. It sounded like she said everyone else brought great figures to the eyes. I mean, I didn't detect that at all. I detected, she said, like everyone else, I brought a great figure. Exactly. Was the teacher okay with it being me? Be honest. He was a little weirded out, but he liked it. Okay, all right. And what was the medium that you used? What was it made of?

54:24Cardboard. Wait, I'm sorry. How do you make a sculpture out of cardboard? That's not a sculpture. Did you draw something on a box? And then you panicked when you got to the microphone and said sculpture? No, no, it was 3D. It stood on its own. It was beautiful. A little creepy, but beautiful. Why was it creepy? Because I made it, not because of you, of course. Okay, no, I would love to see it. You still have it? I think I have a photo of it. I will send it to you. But the original must have meant so much to you. I don't know why you would have gotten rid of it. It's in storage. It has an insurance policy.

55:01Thank you. Thank you. That was so good and so fast. Thank you. It's like the rosebud sled in Citizen Kane. Okay, well, that's very nice. That's very cool. And let's hear your question. Sure. My question was, when you get to New York, what's your first stop for food? Oh, that's a really good question. I have to say my super guilty pleasure is the Chinese food on the Upper West Side in New York, like Chun-Li. They don't have that. They don't have anything like that in Los Angeles. And true story, I don't want to get in trouble, but this is a true story. I was so happy about Chun-Li that I took all my writers, when we did a week of shows at the Apollo Theater a couple of years ago, I took them all to Chun-Li for a big dinner.

55:52And we all had a big dinner, and we closed the place down. We were the last people to leave, and we all left. And it was a really great night. And in the morning, one of the top stories in the New York Post was Chun-Li raided for health violations. Oh, really? Oh, no. I'm serious. Like, the raid happened after we left.

56:19Now, I have gone there since, because apparently it was a problem that was fixed, and blah, blah, blah, but it was the next day in the paper that they, I think we left at like 11.15, and it said like at 1.15 in the morning, just after this tall red-haired woman left. they raided Shunli. But I have to say, it's my guilty pleasure is that really, that Chinese food that would be unrecognizable in China. You know, like they would say, that's not Chinese food. What have you done to this? But it's absolutely amazing. And you go there and it's just an, everything is really goopy and sugary. I just absolutely, I'm not selling it well.

57:03I'm selling it, selling about it as, don't go there is what I'm saying. after you don't buy the vinyl. Don't go to Shunley. No, I'm going to make sure I'm legally safe here. They took care of that. They took care of whatever that problem was, and I've been to Shunley since. And it's a great place. Also, I think vinyl's coming back. There you go. How was that? Did that go okay? That was perfect. Why does your microphone keep going? What's... Your microphone is getting depressed. Okay. Thank you very much. It was very nice to meet you. Thank you, Sanjula. Thank you. Sean? Are you Sean? That's me.

57:45What is your name, sir? Sean. Sean. So my question is something that my wife and I have been feuding over the last couple months. We're wondering if it's okay to name a child after your pet. Name a child after... Wait, whose pet? Our pet. What's the pet's name? Zelda. Well, wait a minute. Zelda's a nice name. Is the pet still alive? Yeah, she's four. The pet is a dog or a cat? Oh, she's a dog. You have a dog that's alive. Yeah. And that's young for a dog, four. Yeah. What breed is the dog? She's a black lab. Black lab, okay. You have a black lab that's going to live for a long time named Zelda.

58:35You want to name your child. We don't have any children.

58:44Yeah.

58:48So this is a hypothetical. Do you realize how precious this time is? You know, we were just wondering, you know, maybe your answer could help sway us. Because you're thinking of naming a child Zelda. Well, it's a feud, so I would love to. She doesn't. But you don't know if there's going to be a child any time in the future. I think your answer may help, you know, determine... A lot of pressure. That's more pressure than people coming from England to see this show. I'm going to say no. And I think the crowd's with me on this. Because if you have a child, any time in the near future and the dog and the child coexist and you're constantly saying bad Zelda, bad Zelda your child your daughter grows up traumatized I disagree wait you disagree?

59:53yeah I disagree my kid's name is Charlie and my dad had a dog named Charlie growing up well that's different first of all his entire future hinges on this answer and you're saying don't have children. No!

1:00:11I didn't say don't have children. All I said was have children but don't name the child Zelda if it coexists with the dog. The dog named Zelda and the child named Zelda cannot coexist at the same time. It's just wrong. No, but the dog is going to die. Ah! Where are you getting these mics? How many mics are there here? in Brooklyn. This is insanity. Yeah. Can you not change the dog's name? You can't change a four-year-old dog's name. I've tried. But the daughter could be Junior. What? Yes. The daughter's gonna be Junior? Yeah. Go sit down. Yeah, you're just a monster.

1:01:00No offense. And you come back when you're ready to apologize. This is time none of us will ever have back. I'm going to watch you.

1:01:17This poor age is really doing. He left the theater. I just picture him walking all the way home. His wife is like, what happened? Oh. I was thrown out of the theater. Oh, my God. That was fantastic. Hello. What's your name? Hello. My name is Brenna. Hi, Brenna. I hope the stakes of my question are going to be far lower than whatever just happened. I think it would just be refreshing. Yeah. To not be speaking to a sociopath. Well, no problem. What if her question is, is it okay to name your child after your other child?

1:02:01I think that's okay, actually. Yeah. No, I wanted to know for each of you, who was your childhood crush? Oh. I didn't think that was an awe question. A real person? No, that's a nice question. Yeah, do you mean like a celebrity? You mean a real person or a celebrity? I didn't mean real person. I mean like celebrity. Yeah, I think it's got to be celebrity because, I mean, I could have answered that question because if I say, you know, oh, it was, you know, Laura Capril. Everyone goes like, well, that was a waste of time. Who the cares about Laura Capril? Laura's family. Well, no, I love Laura Capril.

1:02:39I threw out a name of a girl I fancied back in the day, but I'm just telling you that that wouldn't be, I would assume that would not be the... Satisfying. Yeah, satisfying to people. First of all, why don't you tell us, did you have a celebrity crush growing up? Well, it's not a celebrity, but I realize that my childhood crush actually has some physical similarities to you, Conan. It was... Wait a minute. This could go... Wait a minute. Let me tell you from experience, this can go very badly. You had a crush on Slenderman? Yeah. Close. There was a balloon outside a car dealership. Very close.

1:03:20Gumby. And I wanted to marry him. Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas. He's not even real. I am Jack Skellington. Yeah. I'm also Hermie the Elf from the Santa Claus. Yeah, yeah. There's a couple of people that I've been through history. But okay, that's a good answer. Yeah. Gourley? Well, when I was a kid, I had a crush on Pippi Longstocking. This has come up before. Yeah, we talked about this in the podcast. And then also Blondie. I split my time between Blondie and Pippi. Blondie the singer. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. Yeah, right. You guys get it.

1:04:07He was like my first... Huh? Oh, Dorchester. You're from there? Near there? Why are you pronouncing it wrong if you're from there? It's Dorchester. Dorchester. Well, I loved him. But again, Slash, who I mentioned earlier, was like my sexual awakening. So they were both very pivotal in the person that I think I became. Right, right. Mine was Jordan Knight. Oh. I was 50 at the time.

1:04:42Oh, God.

1:04:47Yeah, I have a weird one, which is I really kind of had a crush on Sally Field. Oh, that's not weird. No, here's the weird thing. It's when she was playing a nun. Oh, God. Oh, God. And I was raised very Catholic. Oh. And there was a show a million years ago, maybe called The Flying Nun, and she was adorable. And I was like, I have a crush on her. And she was a nun. That's so loaded. It's just so loaded. And then I remembered thinking, oh, no. I mean, okay, what does that mean that that's who I... I mean, I know you don't choose these things, but then fortunately Jordan Knight came along and I was able to move on.

1:05:30Can it be someone in animation? Who in animation? Oh, I don't know. Wally. Wally's cute. He is so cute. Did you ever have a crush on an animated figure? You know, my friends and I for a hot second were into the X-Men guys, but the cartoon version. so we were really into Gambit. Wait, so from just drawings? Just drawings. Yeah, that makes sense to me. It does? It kind of does. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah. I mean, I can't think of any others but there have been a few cartoons where I'm like, yeah, you can get it.

1:06:12Well, thank you for your question. I hope we answered it. And good luck with your next sculpture.

1:06:23Okay, well... That's all the time we have for our show. Can I say something? I'm sorry. I said cartoons. I meant comic books. Well, that saved it. Yeah.

1:06:35You guys have been a fantastic crowd. Thank you very much for being here tonight. You've been really nice. I think it's time that we let people go home. Sodom Obsession, Matt Gorley, happy five.

1:07:05We always like to end things on this sweet note, so we'll do that right now. You can feel free to file out if you don't want to hear me sing, because a lot of people don't. It goes like this. Follow us here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, Walking looms, climbing fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends Sing it if you know it Walk with me, Susie Lee Through the park, by the tree We will rest on the ground Look at all the bugs we found Safely walk to school without a sound I said, save me walk to school by sound Here we are, no one else We walk to school by ourselves There's dirt on our uniforms From playing with the ants and worms We clean up now, it's time to learn We clean up now, it's time to learn Here we go We don't notice any time past We don't notice anything We sit side by side in every class Teacher thinks that I sound funny But she loves the way you sing Tonight I dream when I'm in bed Silly thoughts go through my head About the bugs in alphabet When I wake tomorrow I bet that you and I Will walk together again I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends

1:09:09Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

1:09:51Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:10:12Thank you.