Putting The Fun Back In Funeral with Special Guest Paul Scheer

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Hi, Josh. Welcome to Conan Needs a Fan with Conan and special guest Paul Scheer. Hey, Josh. Hey, everyone. Hey, Josh. And I understand, Josh, you and I have not met, but you and Paul have chatted on the podcast. Is that right? Yeah, I guess so, right? You chatted with David, but I was in the room, so I shook your hand, but you likely won't remember me from all the activity that was happening. Well, quick question, Josh. Was he cold and dismissive when you shook his hand? Was he, did he try and big time you?

0:44He looked deep into my eyes. I panicked and I left and I handed it to David. This is the effect I have on people, you know. He did it with me today. So yes, we have a special guest, the very funny Paul Scheer sitting in with us and he's going to help us help you because what I like to do is meet fans and find out about them and then help them with their issues if they have any. And so, Josh, tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah, so I live in Bellevue, Washington. My wife has 17 years. I have three kids. Today I'm in Chicago because I'm here for a national funeral convention. Oh, shit. Because I run a direct-to-consumer casket and urn company.

1:27I was going to say, I thought I was just going to say, I'm glad he's in the funeral business. Because if you were just fanboying out at the convention, I'd be creeped out.

1:40I was going to say, what happens if someone dies? Are y 'all in Chicago right now? I mean, what's going to happen? The best possible place. But you should attend one funeral convention in your life, I would say. All right. Not two, but one. I disagree. But, you know, we can talk and let's talk about it. And you can tell me a little bit about the business. What do you do in the funeral business, Josh? So most families, when they have a loss, they go to their local funeral home. They don't know what things should cost reasonably so they don't shop around and they end up spending often too much money.

2:17They don't have the goodbye they necessarily want. But what these families don't know is there's a federal law called the funeral rule. It's an FTC law that gives you the right to buy your caskets, urns, other products outside the funeral home. And so that's what we do. We sell caskets and urns at roughly half the price that they're sold elsewhere through our own site, through Costco, Sam's Club, Amazon. And so we try to help. Wait a minute. So I could buy caskets in bulk? I mean, is it... Do you know when you go to a... If you go to a Costco or something, you can get not just... You get like 35 rolls of toilet paper.

2:47Could I go and buy like... Yeah, for a family. Yeah, for a family. Don't stop at 35. Family size. We will sell you hundreds of caskets. It's like the Froot Loops. It's like the Froot Loops that feed 35 kids for a week. Does anyone ever buy more... Does anyone ever buy more than one casket at once, do you think? Just buy a couple? Not at once, but we have families that have needs in their community. But usually they don't fill up their trunk with more than one. I have a question about this because, you know, normally when someone dies, it's a surprise or we didn't know what was going to happen.

3:24And it seems like you can't take this time to go shopping around. It's not like, oh, hold on, let me order one on Amazon. And like, when will that come? In like a week? Like, I don't know. Also a big problem, I've had this with shoes. Oh, this pair of shoes looks really amazing. You order it from Amazon, they come and they don't fit. If the casket shows up after you've waited for three days and you try and put uncle Maury in there and he doesn't fit, what do you do? Yeah, well, he'll fit. We'll make sure he fits. Whoa. Oh my God. I didn't like the way he said that. Yes. Josh. Yeah, he solved all these problems.

4:01Josh has another product he could sell you called the D-Legger. I told you you have to come to a funeral convention. It's Munson's D-Legger. Keep the bottom part closed and no one knows where those legs went. Please change the name of your funeral company. We'll make sure they fit. That's right. Most people fit in a standard size, and then we do have wider ones for those who need them. Yeah. Okay, this is a very obvious area, but when one is in this position, they often start selling you a casket. This is the normal way. You're at a funeral home. They start ordering you a casket or trying to sell you a casket, and they want to sell you this really beautiful casket.

4:49And even if this is someone who is really near and dear to you, there is part of you that's thinking like it's going immediately in the ground. No one's getting to look at this. No one's getting to look at this thing. So the fact that it has flames painted on the side and it gets AM FM radio. Now stop attacking my kiss coffin because that is something I hold and I treasure dearly. You know, I've seen the kiss coffin. Oh, my God. We had Gene Simmons on the old late night show and he came on with all kiss. He just tried to use my show as an infomercial and he came on with all these all this kiss stuff.

5:23I was actually on that show. Were you on that show? Because I remember the kiss coffin in the hallway. It was in the hallway. And I was looking at it and I kept trying to talk to him about cool backstage stories and being in a rock band. And he's just like, let's just stick to the merchandise. So the coffins you're selling for half price, how can you find that savings? Is it because there's so much upselling that goes on in a normal funeral home? That's right. Just the dynamics of somebody making a distressed purchase. They're only not shopping around has led to huge markups on these products.

5:58But to your point, they all do the same thing. You should not. It's all aesthetics. It's a rectangle. They have the same functionality. You should not overspend on these products. And there's not a lot of functionality either. I mean, it's a box that is out of sight, out of mind. Yeah. I hate to be too graphic about this. I don't mind putting a little string in a bell there just in case. You know, I feel like old school style. Just in case, you know, you wake up. You got to hit that little. Do you know who wanted that? Who? George Washington wanted that. His big fear, which was a very common late 18th century fear and early 19th century fear, was being buried alive because before they were embalming, it was a real possibility.

6:36And so he was very worried that he would be buried prematurely. They didn't do the bell, but he did ask that people keep an eye on him for a couple of days and poke him with sticks. Wait, is that true? Yeah. No, poke him with sticks? No, I maybe made that part up just for fun and now you've ruined it. So, Josh, you have this business and this actually, all kidding aside, it does sound like you're really helping people because many people spend a fortune and sometimes spend money they don't even really have paying all these expenses and they don't realize that there's another way to go. Yeah, we try to be a service business.

7:15We sell products, but at the end of the day, we have a team here who's here to guide somebody through a really difficult period. It's incredibly rewarding to run this business. Can I ask you about something I've considered and tell me if this would even be possible, but I've discussed this with a couple of people. It may even have come up here, but it's the idea that if I pass away, maybe I'm not put in a casket or maybe I'm not cremated. Maybe I could be a body on a crime procedural show. Do you know what I mean? Like found by a jogger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a jogger's running by and then you cut to the cops and they have their coffee and it's me, I'm there and whatever, put some jogging clothes on me.

8:01I'll clean up all right. Yeah. But it would be a way that I'd continue to work in the business. A final performance. Or more. Oh, okay, you're saying keep it going. Wow. Well, there are probably chemicals that would keep me going and Weekend at Bernie's, I think, is a documentary. That's right. but I know two is. But anyway, it's just, or being left in a field, something. A scarecrow. Yes. I'm kind of scarecrow-y now. Crows do not settle on me. You see, that would be amazing. I want to ask Josh about. I think Josh left. Oh, sorry. Let's make all this happen. I'm taking notes. Josh realized that these guys are not.

8:45Are not reputable. I should not be talking to them. Is there, I've seen this a few times where they set up a scene. So it's like somebody, the image that I'm thinking of is like a woman sitting at a table with a drink and cards and a pack of cigarettes. I've seen that as like a way to do a wake. A tableau. Yeah. Does anyone really do that? I think we've reached the edge of my experience. I've seen a lot of strange things. I have a picture of it on my phone because I was, I. What? Just for fun. Well, okay, then that explains it. but I didn't know if this is a new thing, like the creating a tableau.

9:21I'm going to back you up here, Paul, and this is, and I don't want to, I want to go after you, but I have to, because I have also heard of, oh, they've been set up in their Bark Lounger and they used to watch, you know, love watching their, you know, Seahawks game. And so that's what we set up and that's how you can go see them. It's like an exhibit in the Smithsonian instead of like a, it's like a wake, but you're watching them in their, their nice moment. Yeah. Well, I think Josh made it clear he's not going anywhere near this. Yeah, he's checked out. There's no limit to what we'll do. Part of why I reached out, you're a visionary.

9:58We'll get him in there. There's no limit and we'll get him in there. He's jamming NBA stars into a tiny casket. Let's create options. I want the Wemby coffin, please. That's right. Are you, at this convention, is there a lot of partying? Is there a lot of partying? Because, you know, I'm going to say this because Josh is clearly a very funny, fun guy. He's met you before, Paul, and you only meet with people who are fun and funny. I do. And you're listening to our podcast and you're contacting us. So people always have this feeling that the person at the funeral home is, you know, like lurch on the Addams family.

10:40And you're not. I'm guessing you guys really like to party when you get together. It's hit and miss. I would say I've been in other industries. Okay, you shook your head. You shook your head, no. Yeah, I don't, like there are a lot of fantastic people in this business. I wouldn't say it's the most lively crew of any industry out there. It's so funny because I would think being around death all the time would make you want to be more alive. Does that make sense? Oh. I agree with that very much so. So I think spending every day answering the call from people who are in these moments, it really makes you reflect.

11:18I don't know if it makes you go out and party, but it certainly makes you appreciate. You're not putting the fun back in funeral. We are putting the fun back in funeral. You are. It's not on the streets of Chicago. Yeah, he calls them funerals. That's right. That's, again, taking notes. Just try it. Just try one saying I'm sorry. This is why I came on. I hope you welcome to this funeral. roll. Just try it. I like a funnel roll. Funnel roll sounds nice. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't seem as dour. Yeah. Okay. Like carnival. We could call funnel cakes funeral cakes just to try and switch it back the other way.

12:02Josh is, he is trying to put the fun back in funnel roll and he actually sent us all gifts. Josh, do you want to explain what these gifts are? Yeah, please. Yeah, so about a year ago, we had a visitor at Titan. His name is Mort, and we're still getting to know him. He's a little coffin plushy, and we think in his prior life, he was a funeral director and has now come back to encourage families to plan. He's very cuddly. He was the mascot of the Worcester Red Sox this year. He ran the bases. My family's all from Worcester. Yes. Oh, you could have seen him this summer. The F.A.R.T. team is in Worcester.

12:41Oh. Yeah. He lost the mascot race pretty badly, but he put in a good effort. Died out there. Yeah. Exactly. And so, yeah. Just a quick question. Give him a hug. Well, here's the thing. No, I'm not going to hug a casket. Coffin. I'm sorry, coffin. You know, it's always been strange to me When, you know, if you're watching a commercial and it's for a kind of food, do you know what I mean? Like a hamburger and the hamburger comes out and says, you'll love me. And whenever the animal is saying, please eat me. And Robert Smigel and I once worked on a sketch that we couldn't get on to Saturday Night Live for obvious reasons.

13:29But it was a cartoon hot dog. And he was saying, convert me into shit. and it was all him and it's him begging to be eaten, ingested and then excreted into a toilet and because it's the nonsense, it's insane that food would be begging you to enjoy consuming it. This, I'm getting the same vibe here with Cascady, which is - It's Mort. Mort. I think Cascady really rolls off the tongue. Mort Cascady. Yeah, exactly. But he's so happy. he's someone who you think was a funeral director died and is enjoying the experience of being dead so much that he's come back to convince other people to die inside of me to plan their funerals not to die to plan their funeral oh to plan their funeral yes not to not to pass he does he profit he wants you to live he wants you to live but he's here to remind you that you've only got so much time left yes mort uh now let me ask you this is a question i have to ask um who's selling mort who who benefits through sales of mort i mean we sell we sell mort i would say we we've given more morts away than we we sell him but he is for sale on our site okay um he is he is here to to help though do you sell urns as well as caskets oh definitely yeah and what are people looking for in an urn?

14:55Because an urn is a much... I mean, first of all, technically, you don't need an urn. Everyone's got jars at home. That's right. Yeah. Again. It's like yogurt in the fridge. You gotta label it. Exactly. Well, I made the mistake. I put it in my spice drawer. Oh, no. This ham tastes fantastic. Everything is aesthetics. What we tell families is to close your eyes and envision and the look that you love for your loved one, and we'll have an option for you in that color, that style, and it will be affordable. Oh, wow. So it's really just, are you going to place it in your home? Are you going to scatter in a place that's meaningful to you?

15:40You can bury an urn and have a place to visit. Why would you bury an urn, though? Like, it feels like... People do it. I know that it's quite common. People often bury an urn. First of all, you don't have to get a big plot. Okay. And it gives you... and you'll probably know the term for this, Josh, but people want a destination. They wanna go visit this person. First of all, we all know they do that for about a year or two. And then they drift away and the grave goes untended. But - That bell just ringing. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding. Oh God. I just shout down into the earth, you in the ringing.

16:19Lay off the bell. We'll get to you. I'm busy. Um, wow. Messed up. Josh, I blame you for this whole segment. Yeah. You did this. I feel like I've taken us to a dark place. Bring us back. But you know what? You have, I have to say this, Josh, you have a very kind face. And you seem very serene. And I think you have the kind of mean, the kind of, you know, aura that someone should have who's in this business, which is, you know, doesn't he? Yeah, you do. You seem like you're very sympathetic. You have a lot of empathy. Yeah, you've got really kind eyes. And when Conan dies, I'll call Josh. Thank you.

17:09A really short casket. Yeah, really short. Yeah. I want my legs, I want holes in my legs coming out the back. To the sides? Yeah, and then I want them to curl up like the Wicked Witch. I want them to go out and in, out and in, and pulse, like with the pulsing music. Have pulsing music playing, and my legs are going... It's Diplo. This is your official funeral plan. Yeah, this... Unless you have it written down elsewhere, this podcast will serve. This will serve that I want Josh to handle it all. He'll get me in there. He'll cram me in. Perfect. One way or another. You'll feel. I want nothing to do with Mort.

17:53Mort's, why is Mort wearing a bow tie? Who made that? He's a funeral director. He's very, this is a profession that people wear suits. He stole it off a dead body. Oh, Mort. Mort, why? Please, let's not bring up grave robbing. I think that's a taboo subject. I don't know, Josh. You've got me thinking about a lot of stuff right now. There's a lot to consider here. Yes. I do think we are a society that has largely removed all thinking about death. It's been removed from, you know, advertising has scrubbed away elderly. It's not discussed. Right. So this is important. This podcast is a way for people to really think about the dead, death, and what preparations they want to make.

18:45And that leads me to my next question. Have you ever suspected someone of murder because they came in and started asking about caskets before the person died? I remember one person asked me about buying caskets in bulk from Costco. And that's my prime suspect. Oh, well, I sympathize with this fellow. He must have many people he's angry with. I love a guy who's really worried about, I want to kill them all, but I've got to take care of their arrangements. By the way, I like this as an hour-long procedural. The funeral director who solves murders, he's like, I know it was foul play. Oh, my God. Oh, that's right.

19:23Yeah, people, that's a good procedural. That would be great. If this becomes a show, Josh, you participate in the profits. Yeah, a funeral director who just, something's off. He's really good at being a funeral director, but bodies come in. Say it's natural causes, but this is very suspicious. But he's not a forensic scientist. He's not, yeah. He's just a funeral director. He's like a murder she wrote. It's like that. It's just like a small town. People are dying unexpectedly. Yeah. And I think what happens is when the body comes in and it's got a large harpoon through it and other people are saying it's a heart attack, this person's like, I just don't know.

20:01And they have that Columbo thing of they're very nice and they're just asking questions, but clearly that's their way of getting the truth. And then at the end they go, well, yeah, we knew it was murder. We just didn't tell you, you're just doing the funeral directing. So yeah, you didn't need to know that. Oh, okay, well, sure, yeah. The police, no, the police said, did you hear that? It was in the paper three weeks ago when they caught the guy. Yeah, yeah. It was a murder. He had a harpoon through his chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So why are you acting like this is a show? It's not a show, you asshole.

20:30All right, Josh. Josh, do you have a question for Conan before we go? We may have answered it with all my funeral babble. Absolutely. As a funeral visionary, Conan, if we design the perfect casket for you, what would that look like? Because we would love to do that. My casket? You know, I went to Ghana, where the people and the people of Ghana are brilliant at making custom caskets. It's a tradition they've had for a long time. And I mean, beautiful woodworking where they'll make, if the person was really into a certain kind of beer, the casket will be a giant, you know, six-foot beer bottle that's beautifully rendered.

21:14And so they asked me, it's an episode of Conan O 'Brien Must Go, or no, I think Conan Without Borders, also available in the same streaming service, HBO Max. Oh, wow. But anyway, I go, you can see me go to Ghana, and they ask me about my casket, and I say that I want to be able to watch myself for all eternity. And they built me a casket with a TV that faces in and I get in it and they close it and I can watch on a loop. Wow. My shows from, you know, the 90s and 2000s and stuff on a steady stream. And the shape is you. Yes, the shape. It's a giant you. And it's, oh, I forgot. I buried the lead.

21:53Hello, home run. But I get inside me and we can post this photo along with, Blay, what's the lingo here? Just a little Team Coco podcast on Instagram. Yeah, and then we'll post the photo of my casket and I brought it back. We have it here somewhere. We really do. We have it in storage. So, sir, no sale. I'm all taken care of. I tied up all your time and I already own my casket. It's okay. I was stealing all the ideas we talked about and the gravestones with TVs that play as. We're going to get in touch with you about this TV show because I think Paul's got a winner here and I love the idea that the police already had it solved every week, every week.

22:43What are you talking about? Just do your job and shut up. Hey, Josh, thank you so much. Really nice talking to you. You too, Conan. Can I say one nice thing before we go? If it's nice, of course. I feel like this was a little bit. But humor was really important to my family growing up. And there was nothing more thrilling to me than when I saw my dad laughing at something that I like. And that was often The Simpsons when you were there. Oh, thank you. And now I have kids and we listen to your podcast and watch Musco and Without Borders. And I see my kids watching me laugh at your show. And I just think that no one's made me laugh more in my life than you.

23:20and the generational impact you've had. Hey, Josh, that means the world to me. Thank you. I'm ecstatic that that's true. And I will tell you, I lost both my parents last December. One of the things I think about a lot is that I would watch TV with my dad and I would clock what he laughed at. And he really loved Johnny Carson when he would do Carnac. So I had this very strong memory of watching my dad watching this very silly man in a giant hat doing really funny jokes on a late night show. And that was imprinted on my DNA. I know it was. And so I get what you're saying and I'm thrilled that that's true.

24:09And we're gonna just keep trying to make more idiocy for you and your children. And you know what? Screw it. I'm selling the Ghana casket. What? No! And I'm going with Josh now. Okay, Josh? I'll be up there. I'll come up there and we'll pick up something amazing. And I'm going to spend, spend, spend. I want to be buried in a Bugatti that's running. And you have to keep refueling it at the cemetery. I'm coming, Josh. Thank you, Josh. Take care. Thank you so much. Great to meet you. Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley.

24:50Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.