Reggie Watts

25:25These are bullies that really took their job seriously And if they found out later on that there was an unbroken Pinky, they were like, you know You gotta respect your craft It's a warranty Did the teachers just watch this happen too? Were they joining in? Oh, they would sell seats O 'Brien, left uppercut O 'Brien, watch out There's another beating of O 'Brien Everyone to the north side of the parking lot Roger that We're suspending all lessons for the day The SAT has been canceled. The PSAT has been canceled. No one's going to college. Goodyear blimp passes. It's already got like messaging about me.

26:08The Conan beating. You know what else can take a beating? A Goodyear tire. I know, totally. Yeah, yeah. Soft focus, hard on the tire. So it's funny, you're also, So you're so influenced by pop culture at this time, too, because you're a sponge. And you are watching television. You're watching movies. And you're picking up on comedy. What stuff are you watching? What are you loving? Man, I would. Well, we were kind of speaking earlier about the Pink Panther. Pink Panther movies with Peter Sellers. Yes. My dad and I would watch those. and I remember probably the most intense laughter I ever had with my father that I can remember is Peter Sellers doing that bit where he's on the parallel bars.

26:55I've talked about the same thing. Oh my God. I swear to God, this is in my, if I've only left with eight images in my brain before I die, okay, I'll reserve some for my two children and my wife. Okay. I'll give them three spots. But then the rest is going to be, and one of them is going to be Peter Sellers on the parallel bars upstairs. Upstairs. In the mansion. Next to a flight of stairs going down. Yes. Dismounts with a graceful dismount and falls down the stairs. Look this up on YouTube or wherever you want to see it. Because he's so poppy. He's like, ah, it's a parallel bars. I did this at the Lyceum.

27:33And he gets on them and he's doing, and then he dismounts and then and crashes into the room where the staff has been assembled for his questioning. And my favorite thing is he enters a room with all of his dignity and authority stripped because he just fell down a sleight of stairs, but he immediately stands up. Yes. And, well, we'll just see. Yeah, that scene when that was happening, because you're just watching it and going, okay, sure. All right, swinging back and forth. That's great. All right, cool. So you're done with your Salisbury steak? And then that happens, and my dad and I lost it.

28:09We were laughing for quite a while. That's so funny because I would go to the movie theater when those movies would come out and I would go, my family would go, my father would go. And that's where I would, you always pay attention to, and this is what I can relate to, is I would watch my dad. Like if my dad was laughing really hard, that was, because when you're a kid and sometimes you're not sure how you're going to connect with your dad. True. I think times have changed a little bit. Yeah, that's true. If at all you feel that I don't quite know how to connect with this guy. He can seem remote.

28:43Sometimes I'm grumpy and I'm scared. He's at work a lot. And then when you see him laughing really hard at that, at a moment in a Pink Panther movie like that, there's no coincidence that later on you find out, huh, I'm in comedy. Yeah. Oh, man. This is my way of connecting to people. 100%. My dad was a very strange guy. you know he was like very quiet because he's a war vet and he was obviously more animated when i was younger um but he it was just like few and far between like those were our moments to connect was really humor him laughing at me like doing something dumb or whatever or like hiding peas you know like in my pocket when they weren't looking and then like him discovering it and then just like laughing about it like those types of things not to but it's in your book he had PTSD.

29:32He had a lot of trauma from, from serving. He had been in Vietnam. Is that right? He'd been in Vietnam. He hadn't seen like a ton of action, but he did see some action, um, towards the end of his second, uh, round in Vietnam. And so I think, uh, you know, all that stuff catches up to you, even if you're not like on the front line, even if you're on the base. And I mean, like he was, I think he was on a base and had gotten notice that they were surrounded and that the, that, uh, the Vietnamese were, were closing in on this base. And so everybody was arming up and getting ready. And then there was a, then there was a notice that said the war was over.

30:10So it didn't happen. But I mean, I couldn't imagine the stress of just like this impending thing. And you're like, I don't know what's, I don't know how this is going to happen. All of that definitely got to him. And, and so, I mean, I will say that unlike some of my friends who've had difficult times with their fathers i think he did the best he could yeah with what he had yeah really you know and who knows he was ill prepared for that he also didn't have any help there was like nobody going like well they've got shell shock let's let's sit down and talk about it right that was more esoteric or it was more for people that were a little bit more forward thinking my mom was always like go in the basement and yell you know and he would he just wouldn't do any of that stuff he'd just kind of be silent hang out in the dark at 2 a.m so but you could connect to him through comedy and through music.

30:54Yes. Yes. Yeah. I think he wasn't like a guy that was like, I'm really proud of you, son. He didn't do that. But you kind of knew when I knew when he dug something or he would just be like, oh, man, this guy's crazy. Or, you know, he would shake his head and have this grin on his face. And I knew that that was him going like, I don't know what this guy is, but I like him. What's interesting to me is that you were in a legit band when you start to discover, I can kind of do comedy using the same tools. I mean, your repertoire is you can play all these different instruments, but also by messing around with pedals, getting different sounds going.

31:36You're able to start to make something and repeating phrases. And it's really cool to watch you put it all together. But when do you start to figure that out? And do the members of the legitimate band get irritated that you're doing that? Do you know what I mean? Massively irritated. Yes. people would be annoyed with me doing comedic bits because you know i did comedy in high school we had competitive drama so we got to i got to do humorous solo the first year and it was just very strange to just get on a tour bus here's 40 for the weekend and two nights at a hotel and good luck competing against other students from around the state and a weird high school on a weekend you know and so but it was great because you'd meet all these other drama kids that are all a bunch of weirdos you know so they're just like doing these crazy monologues and you're like okay great and what am I gonna do I don't know but my teacher was like you can do whatever you want that's okay if you want to improvise and then I would improvise so I think all of that and then actually stand I tried out for a stand-up competition in high school and won it and it was like 300 bucks or something like that and immediately bought like a shit ton of weed um for my friends my friends were like great you won do you want to buy some weed like immediately it's like not about like you were great up there and you want it's like you got we got money now You did good at the weed winning competition.

32:55You did the stand-up thing? Whatever. Yeah, totally. But the weed procuring thing went well. I did good with weed. But like, yeah. So, I mean, I think that started creeping back in because, you know, I have a hyperactive imagination. And when I'm on stage and I hear a sound or like someone says something and that immediately links to some other silly thing and I can't help it after a while. You know, there were times I understood it. I mean, you know, you're you don't hear the drummer back there. You don't have a mic and you're like, what the fuck is this guy doing? You know, I get it. It was I wasn't like you guys should understand me.

33:31But there were definitely moments when I felt them going like, would you just can we just play the next song? Like, yes, that's a good idea. Let's play the next song. When did you decide, all right, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to go out on my own and I'm going to use this tech that I have and my improvisational skills and my wits. And I'm going to make this musical mashup of music comedy. When does that happen? I mean, that happened, I think, when I was about 31, 32. I was in my band MockTube, which was a really amazing band to be a part of. A great band. um but we had been i think we'd been together for five years and we'd gone through a bunch of hype cycles with labels and and like you know execs coming out jimmy iovine coming out to watch us and like doing showcases in la and stuff like that viper room and um it would we'd almost almost something would happen and then we'd go back to like oh they passed or whatever then we would work on another record or something like that and uh and i just wasn't seeing it evolving beyond you know the third time that we'd gone through that so um and i was doing comedy and then i saw uh what are they called the please uh michael showwalter michael in black of the state not the state stella yeah i was post-state i learned about state later but i saw stella and i was like what is this those dv those little shorts shot on dv yeah i was like this is my humor these guys know how meaningless things are and like and and that's so beautiful and so i identified with that and then they ended up i think wet hot american summer came out yeah and i saw that and i was like totally like oh that's yes i want to do that you know i was so driven and inspired by those things and then they happened to come to town uh stella did come to town i met eugene merman and i was introduced by a friend and and he was like we have a comedy night in new york you know and then i ended up writing with a band and they needed me in new york for the writing session for a month so while i was there i did a couple spots that invite them up and instant friends with everybody that's great it's like being in high school again i mean when some of my younger friends or younger artists are like uh you know how did you how do you make it and you know how did you basically that's like the the question but how do you make it and i'm like well i don't know you don't have to worry about making it like what you have to make is the thing that you love to do yes and do that you know i always tell people like if you wake up in the morning and you can't not think be thinking about a bit and if you're always doing bits like that's that's kind of what you are.

36:01You're not going to change that. So you might as well make a career out of it. No, I always maintain that I've, my career is me doing what I'd be doing anyway. And then I was fortunate to find some people who had money and owned the machinery who were like, well, you can do it for us. But it's the dirty little secret is that if they said, well, we're done and we're taking away all the equipment, I'd say, okay, well, back to my bits. My old bits, like you just open up this closet. Whatever. And I would just do it in an empty field. And I think, you know, whatever, a passing dove would say, that seems sad.

36:49He's not aging well. He sure isn't. Who are you, Mr. Turtle? Well, I didn't know you could talk. Everyone talks. And it just becomes this whole thing about how they can't believe each other can talk. But my bits. But my bits. We're finding out we can talk. And you're obsessed with your bits, Conan? Yeah, but here's my bit about Ronald Reagan. You know. Well, well, well, well, well. That's not interesting enough. So how did you learn to talk? Toadstool? How could the toadstool not like my Reagan bit? Oh, my gosh. You write in the book that because you, I noticed that just in tour that the women are quite taken with Mr.

37:39Reggie Watts. And then you write in the book that your dream girl is Pippi Longstocking. Oh, me too. Really? Girlie? Go ahead. I had a huge crush on Inger Nilsson, the original. Oh, yeah. Well, also the concept. But, yes, she was great. She was great. She was a great embodiment of it. Yeah. Oh, and Inger called, stop writing her letters. Well, no, but because of this show, they interviewed me for a Pippi documentary. So we talked about it on here. They sent me a signed vinyl with Inger, Tommy, and Annika. Wait, who are the other two? Tommy and Annika. Okay. Can you fill in just for people that are listening and had some sort of a childhood?

38:16People want to know who the other two are. Tommy and Annika are like her normal kid sidekicks. Okay. That's all we needed to know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're friends. they're part of the crew yeah yeah but she's amazing she's she's amazing she was super strong she had a basement full of treasure yeah so she had unlimited funds yeah she could travel anywhere she could lift a horse she had she could lift a horse she could you know she has she's magical she had like you know red hair i'm a half red head uh you know i she had she had pigtails that were magical and like she had cool style i'm having such a sense memory right now i'm in my grandfather's small house in uh in misquamacut rhode island and there's a pippi longstocking movie that comes on and this might have been with inger i'm sure and it was and back then there's only three channels this tv in misquamacut connecticut near the state beach doesn't get many of much reception of anything so you'd see the same thing over and over again and they were running a a commercial for the pippi longstocking movie yeah and there was just one line that rang in my head, which is a weird overdubbed, someone I think overdubbing.

39:20It was all overdubbed. Yeah, because it was Swedish. It's Swedish. Her accent would change from film to film. She would have just like a transatlantic and then some films she'd just be like, I'm from Brooklyn, I'm Pippi Longstocking. Oh, wow. Well, okay. So what I remember, you tell me if this at all rings a bell, is she's lifting a horse, she's running super fast, like at a hundred miles an hour, and they've just sped up her legs. She's doing all these crazy things. And then they just cut to a very European weird kid. and it looked like poor quality film stock who goes, Pippi, are you crazy? Yeah, that's probably Tommy.

39:50Yeah, okay. And I remember seeing that and going, what kind of movie is this? You summed it up. My grandfather, a retired policeman, would say, turn that crap off. Pippi, are you crazy? Wow. But they're using clips from this podcast in that documentary because we talked about it. Well, we're going to talk about it more now. I know. And where's my cut, by the way? I want a piece of that. Yeah. Pippi money's here. Pippi money. Give me that long stocking. I want in on that long stocking money. So what is it about Pippi Longstocking, you first and then you, Matt? What is it? I think, I don't know.

40:26I guess I like that she was like fully independent. You know, like she ran her own operation. And she ran her own operation. She just went on adventures. She was just like going on adventures all the time because that's what she was. Her grandfather was a pirate or something. Her father was a pirate. and but no longer in the picture and then you know and had like this gang of kids and i don't know i just i had a huge crush on her i thought that she was hot that's cool yeah i mean i think superman was always the ideal when you're a kid but pippi was kind of a little bit more realistic her parent left her dad left her alone that's right just to live in this house called villa villa coola and he just goes and sails the seas and i had a huge crush on her too yeah i think it was maybe like blondie and pippi were my first two crushes yeah blondie was pretty amazing yeah they're a little different but yeah or you know what uh actually uh dale bozio oh yeah wait who's your berlin uh no no from a missing person yes that's right yeah yeah uh woman she's like yeah she looked like blondie kind of right she kind of well she kind of looked like a cross between blondie and that people are gonna kill me they're like across and um and who's the dude from twisted sister oh d snider like a tiny bit like a hair like like oh i have a huge crush on d snider there you go That's my ideal.

41:40Yeah. No, that's interesting. No, Blondie hit, really hit big my freshman year of high school. And I remembered her just being the ideal. Like, oh, that's the sexiest. And she still is. Yeah, she's. For God's sake. She's the most, she's the sexiest, coolest woman alive. We need to get Blondie and Pippi on this podcast. And have them fight. Yeah, but Pippi would probably win. Yeah, she'd start beating Blondie and I'd go, Pippi, are you crazy? 16 millimeter. Stored improperly. Okay, here's another huge influence on you, and you mentioned it in the book, the Ferris Bueller. Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

42:20Yes, huge. That was a huge influence on you because he broke the fourth wall. That was, yeah, that was mind-blowing. I mean, it was, I mean, one of the smartest moves of a movie script ever, I think. I mean, sure, not the first movie, but definitely of those coming-of-age films, which I was all about. I just liked, all the things that he accomplished in a day. I mean, it was insane. And like, is he going to make it? You know, all that rascally principle, you know, and the sister is kind of badass, you know, like there was so many adventurous things and it only took place in a day. And then at the end, like him, or just once in a while throughout the movie too, but like looking at the camera, I was like, that is so cool.

43:02I love that. Like we're in on it. Like he's like, he's experiencing that reality for us. And also it's very hard to do because it can be done badly. Yes. And of course, John Hughes and Matthew Broderick, they did it perfectly. Perfectly. Yeah, it was practical. It's kind of a perfect movie. It's totally a perfect movie. I've watched it. Some of those movies are like, but just moments of it are kind of breakfast club. This is totally aside and random, but I was down in Venice here in California with David Hopping. Like a week and a half ago, and we wander into a store, and I'm chatting with the guy who runs the store, and he says to a woman there, who's also working there, this very attractive woman who's probably in her early 20s or mid-20s, and he says to her, I can't remember her name, but he says like, you know, Sylvia, Sylvia, tell Conan your story.

44:03Tell her your story. And she comes over kind of sheepishly because she's being forced to, and she says, my parents are the parents on Ferris Bueller. And I said, what, what do you mean? And she said, the two actors that play the mother and the father on Ferris Bueller, they met on that movie and they're my parents. Oh my God. And then the guy at the store is like, isn't that crazy? And at this point I feel like I have to buy something. Yeah, and they met on that movie and then she is their child and she is drop dead gorgeous, by the way. Oh my God. Yeah. And very nice and very cool. But I just thought, wait a minute.

44:42Are you just, are you insane that you think? Because when you think of people who are playing a couple in a movie, you would never think. Right, no. And she said, no, they met on that movie and then had me. She's the real life Bueller. She is the real life Bueller. Oh my God. Yeah. That was a cool story. She's real Bueller. Does she ever just randomly stop in the middle of the street and just turn to a camera that's not there? Well, I was. Get a load of me. Yeah, yeah, she did while I was talking to her. Oh, no way. Yeah, she turned to a camera that wasn't there and said, I meet a lot of celebrities at this store here, you know, near Venice Beach.

45:17Conan, kind of bottom of the pile. But you know what? You got to pretend to be excited. And then she turned back to me. Oh, you were still there? I was still there. Oh, man. And I said, that's rude. And then she turned back to a different camera and said, who knew he could hear me? Multicam. Yeah, multicam. The fifth wall. Yeah. The fifth wall. She broke the fifth wall. She broke so many walls, the roof collapsed. That's not easy to do. Oh, my God. She's living in a hypercube. Anyway, I don't know her name, but shout out to her. No kidding. And very lovely, cool person. I'll just put that out there.

45:50That's fucking mind-blowing. Yeah. I love Bueller. Bueller is great. But also, I love Weird Science. Weird Science was huge. Weird Science is so insane. So insane. Because, I'm sorry, but the premise is crazy. The premise is crazy. It's because I remembered seeing that. This is how old I am. I saw that in the theater as an adult who could choose to purchase or not purchase a ticket. And I went with Greg Daniels because we were both writers and we had no girlfriends. Big surprise. We're living out here in L.A. and this movie comes out, Weird Science. And we think, well, let's go to Westwood and watch it.

46:24To learn how to make a girlfriend. Yeah, exactly. We both need to make a girlfriend, clearly, because no one we meet wants to talk to us. so we go to this theater and these two guys just basically i think cut out a bunch of pictures from magazines yes and feed them into a what a super computer a super computer then they brassiere then a brassiere then i think barbie doll yeah the the out for and there's a barbie doll and then i think because they run a cable to the roof and lightning hits it that makes kelly LeBron. That's true. Yeah, but they designed her on the computer. I know, but I was like, the leaps people were making with, you know, if you take a personal computer and there's a lightning storm and you have a bra and some dolls around, you can make Kelly LeBron.

47:14Yeah, computers are still like fancy enough that you couldn't pin it down for a while. Oh, could it do that? People just didn't question it. No, no. That'll happen. I guess that can happen with a computer and a lightning storm. if they both have at the same time. You need both is very hard, so, you know, those kids got lucky in that movie. I remembered that happening and being like a 22-year-old in the theater and just saying, okay, I guess I really don't understand computers. I'm glad that that was the thing. But myself and my writing partner, we went out that night, we bought an apple. We bought seven Barbies.

47:47And you're still waiting for an apple. And Greg was electrocuted. No LeBrock. There he is, electrocuted, LeBrock-less. The firefighters showed up and all they said when they saw us, we were both smoldering, was, trying to make a LeBrock, huh? A lot of that lately. We got two more nerds on Barrington trying to make a LeBrock. You two stop LeBrocking around, get out of here. Enough LeBrocking, you idiots. Good. All the power surge is going in these different nerd areas of town. than some shadow creature emerges in the background. I mean, yeah, that show was, I mean, also it had Mad Max vibes in it.

48:32It had like, I mean, it had every, it was so crazy. And the guy from Mad Max. Yeah, the guy from Mad Max was in it. It was insane. But the crazy thing was that my first girlfriend was English. And she was a model for like teen, like nightwear or something like that. And so she came from London because her mother married an Air Force guy. And so my first girlfriend was like this English brunette model. I was like, this is, how is this even possible? Like I was just watching Weird Science. You did. And now my first girlfriend is this. It was very, very weird. Right. And I was very insecure about it because I was like, there's no way the whole time.

49:12There's no way. There's no way. And I was like, which is not the right attitude. And when you're saying that out loud and you're with her. There's no way. No way. Can I touch your shoulder? Oh, there's no way. No way. There's no way. No way. you're having sex. There's just no way. There's just no way. What? No way. There's no way. You're totally leaving me. Can we at least finish this first? Baby born. There's no way. How? My new book. How? My life with the real Kelly LeBrock. I love that you have also had a Seattle period, which I totally get because you went to Seattle to, you wanted to experience creativity, randomness, so you just decided I'm going to Seattle.

49:57Yeah. And cloud cover that's about six inches above the roofline of any house. Yeah, it's about like max 100 feet. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I mean, it was the biggest city closest to Great Falls. I mean, you could drive there in 13 hours, which for Montanans, that's like, that's double the usual. That's a trip to CVS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like, you know, oh, you gotta go to the mountain pass, gotta take your time though. there is a shortcut through uh through lolo but don't worry about it you know just keep going straight right black ice patches reportedly on the like two-wheel drive renault but um yeah i mean it was close enough and then and then i got lucky you know i was just i've been lucky everywhere i've moved but like i moved there in 1990 it was just before grunge was going to explode and so i was living you know like with a bunch of weirdos in a house as a band and like that blew up and i was a huge soundgarden fan cool um and seeing all of that explode and then see the industry move into that town so fast with all these satellite offices looking for the next new thing and then four new because when i moved there there were two venues to play at that was it it was like two venues nighttime hardly any cars driving around the streets it was so dead it was such a small town um vibe anyways and and then within a period of about three years it completely changed it was insane and then coffee was like espresso culture was born oh my lord my uh my wife is from seattle and i got married there and it's my it's my you know home away from home because we we go there just when i was first dating my wife i'd still like oh you know let's go get some coffee and she's we are not going in there because she was like a sommelier of coffee yep oh no they burn the coffee there well what about we could go in this place no we're not going there either i'll tell you where we're going to get coffee and she would take me to the one place that made the coffee just right yep and i couldn't taste the difference oh my god oh my god i still can't taste the difference i i mean i i grew up on senka you know like i didn't know the thing is good enough i i'd take senka over starbucks any day but like i i it was a crazy time to be there and we were i mean we played uh jeff bezos's parties i played like two of his parties like met him like but like in 1995, 1996, saw Bill Gates, you know, like a restaurant that I used to go to, you know, like it was, it was really weird to have all those worlds, you know, these ripples that are now affecting our entire everyday lives.

52:25So being there in that moment, playing a party like that just sounds, it always reminds me of, I did not, I wrote on the script, but I didn't write this joke, but there was a great Simpsons joke that one of the writers came up with, which Mr. Burns is having a birthday party. And of course, Smithers is trying to make it the perfect party for him. And at one point, he books the Ramones to play for Mr. Burns. And the Ramones, they got the actual Ramones to go like, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. And then they drop their instruments and Joey Ramone just goes, happy birthday, you old bastard, and walks off.

53:01And they cut to Mr. Burns and he says to Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.

53:09and Smithers says, sir, that's not the Rolling Stones. And he says, do it. And so Smithers leaves. And it's always loved the joke that somewhere the Rolling Stones are being killed in that world because that old man misidentified. Oh my God. And I think about that all the time when I imagine me playing or having to do anything at one of those parties. If I was, you know, on the David Geffen yacht and told a story or did some kind of comedy thing, I could just see Geffen leaning over to someone and saying, have the Rolling Stones killed. Have Gallagher destroyed. Sir, that's not Gallagher. Do it!

53:47Have Carrot Top Man. Sir, that's not. Do it! Have Jane Lynch. That's a man. All these redheads start just dying. Carrot! Yeah, just going through. Listen, Mr. Reggie Watts, it was a, I've been blessed many times in my life but the day that you signed on to be my opening act and I got to go on that crazy adventure with you and then we became friends was a great, great day for me and I'm blessed to know you. Keep me in your life and let's do something together again. Let's do it. I would love to do that. Let's do that. Let's open a store that sells something nobody wants. Yes, oh my God, and see how long it takes to not sell anything.

54:28And we'll get the woman in Venice who is the parents. She'll manage. And it'll be called, yes. Yes, Ferris Bueller's parents do have a child. Ferris Bueller's half off. You idiot. TRFB. I admire that. Ferris Bueller's half off. All right, Mr. Reggie Watts, go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Have a nice day, have a nice week. And peace be with you. And peace be with you. Blime, we're gonna make a woman.

55:07We have an ongoing saga on this podcast that continues to write its own narrative. What is that? Terrible author. I'm not writing it. I'm just living it. Remember that Jay Elmore, who runs a deli in New York, has taken our sandwich creations and has been selling them, and he has an update on the numbers. He's running actual science now. This is good. But because last time you also you complained about the fact that I had an American flag in mine and you said that that was responsible for why I was leading sales. I think that goosed things a little bit. OK, so because, you know, we're a we're a patriotic people and yours had an American flag and ours had no flag.

55:53So I think that put us at a disadvantage. He took the flag out. Thank you. And started the tally again. Good. OK, these are Jay's words. Once again, I just wanted to say you made my day with the mention of the on the podcast. I'm so happy you guys are enjoying it. You're welcome. Thank you, Wilford Brimley. Yeah, you sounded angry. That's a lot of skin off your nose. No free pub. 551 sandwiches sold. Final tally so far. Sona's Euro, 172. Conan's Corned Beef, 186. Matty Melt, 193. Oh, these are all pretty close. Yes, and then it goes on. Okay. He said, I will cross the 200 mark today. Conan may cross it too.

56:35He said, Maddie Melt, these are updates as they come in. Maddie Melt just hit 200. Conan is at six away. I said, stall it, take it off the menu, meaning yours. Where is this? New York. I know, but let's be a little clear about where this place is because I'd like to make a personal appeal. I don't know where it is exactly. Isn't this EJ's luncheonette? Yeah. I believe it's on the Upper East Side? Third Avenue between 73rd and 74th EJ's. Right. A very nice guy named Jay came out of his diner and said hello to me. We chatted for a little bit. That's when the idea for maybe these sandwiches came up.

57:11And I would just like to say that my sandwich is, I believe, it's corned beef, Russian dressing, coleslaw. It's a terrific sandwich. It's a classic. And it's called the Conan O 'Brien or just the Conan? I think it's just, I'm not sure. Okay. So are you saying that the name recognition is important? Well, what I'm saying is I would like to win this. Oh. And so I'm talking to all my listeners now who might be in New York City. Just hear me out. Maybe give my sandwich a try. Go there and order it. And then if you see me around New York City, I'm there a lot. Just mention I had your sandwich, Conan.

57:47And maybe you get a little quick hug and a selfie. That's all. Oh, my God. You can't use the bully pulpit like that. You have to give equal time to us. I don't know what kind of cash I'll have on me, but I don't carry a lot of cash. I'll just say that right now. You're going to go and just buy a ton of sandwiches. Probably. No. I feel like you probably will. I'm going to have David Hopping go buy a lot of sandwiches. Jay, you have to watch out for the Sona. You can make your plea for your euro. Mine is clearly the healthiest out of all three of them. Oh, good. Oh, thank you for saying that. Oh, nothing gets people into a diner like a healthy choice.

58:20Good job. Yes, if you are going to EJ's luncheonette because you're really feeling like slimming down, rush over and get Sona's gyro gyro gyro I love to pretend not to know and then yours is what a foreign sandwich right what no mine's the most patriotic thing it's called a matty melt yeah what's it it's a patty melt with Hawaiian bread yeah calories calories death death what do you mean cholesterol fat no no no that's not the way to go after it that gets people no that gets people into the tent this is America You forgot where you were. But it's New York. People care in New York. They walk. They're healthy.

59:01They work out. Hawaii became a state very late in the game. And I'm just going to say, that's better. That's like the last star on the flag. That's the bread you want. Oh, what a lady. Go ahead. Based in New York with Hawaiian bread, I'm covering not only the continental United States, but practically Hawaii and Alaska. Please, with corned beef, I am covering, I mean, just all cultures. You know, yes. What? Yes. The Jewish people, the Irish people. Done. That's it. Seriously. I'm sorry. The Greeks are responsible for our whole civilization. Are you kidding the patty about? You're welcome. Sign the constitution.

59:40Okay. First of all, what did you say the Greeks did? They're like responsible for like modern type of civilization. That's true. What have they done lately? Right. except shield a bunch of money. Yeah. I know. A bunch of tax shelters. I don't know. Tax shelters. You know what? Socrates kept all of his money in a tax shelter. Okay. That was his big advice to his students. All right. Great. Shelter your money, he said. Same thing with Plato. Yeah. Because the U.S. is doing great, you guys. What did you say? Yeah. The U.S. is doing great. With attitudes like that. Yeah. Okay. Well, guess what? Your gyro, I think, has plummeted because it's healthy.

1:00:19and its inventor hates America. Oh, wow. I would say, hey, give the Conan O 'Brien a try. EJ's Luncheonette. Isn't it hard? EJ's Luncheonette. Just go on by. Check it out. The Conan O 'Brien. Oh, come on. Corned beef, coleslaw. Here's my message. I say, listener, eat whatever you think sounds delicious. You be you. Don't fall prey to sway. Don't fall prey to sway. Eat the meat. Don't fall prey to sway. Eat the meat. I'll take a selfie with you. I'll give you a quick hello. I'm easy to spot in New York. If you think you see Jane Lynch wearing a red wig, that's me. If you do buy mine, you don't have to take a selfie with Conny.

1:01:02You can get out of it. All right. Thank you, Jay. I think we accomplished a lot there. And thanks to Jay Elmore for selling, creating these sandwiches in our image. And there's a very good chance that this saga will actually have quite a resolution, possibly even in the flesh. yes yeah I know what you're talking about more later why don't we get a piece of these sandwiches sorry I know we ended it but why don't we get paid for a piece of these sandwiches like we should get a check no no check no nobody else no we're not doing this for money oh what are we doing it for real estate Conan O 'Brien needs a friend with Conan O 'Brien Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley produced by me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs Nick D 'Leal and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

1:01:52Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.