Rum and Cokes in the Bathroom

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started hey brie meet conan and sona hi guys how are you how you doing brie i'm so good it's very nice to talk to you where are you right now brie i am in providence utah you're in utah i love utah that's a beautiful state yeah i don't know providence that well where is providence so it's pretty small we're by logan do you know logan we're like an hour and a half north of salt lake okay salt salt lake i know but it's a beautiful area i've gone yeah spent a lot of time in Utah, done a bunch of skiing there and just walking around.

0:44I absolutely love it. The people are fantastic. And tell us a little bit about yourself, Brie. Hey, I have been married for almost 19 years. We have six boys. Good Lord. Hey, Brie, I have to tell you something. No. My mom had six kids and that doesn't happen as much anymore. I have two children after our second child. My wife told her I'm never to touch her again. And Sona, you have two and that's it for you? We're done. We're so... And boys. Six boys. No. See, I can't. And I have twins, too. You have twins also. I do. You are a superhero. That is a lot. What is the age? Is there much of a gap between all the kids in years or do they just come fast and furious?

1:33They're kind of fast and furious. My oldest is 19. So, So 1917, then a gap because we moved for school. So I was like, we need a minute. 13. I need a minute. I need a minute. Give me a break. And then our twins are 11 and then our baby's eight. Oh, my God. Well, goodness. And can I ask if you are, I think I can ask this and you're free to tell me it's not my business, but are you Mormon? I was. Oh, you were? Okay. Yeah. You left the Mormon church, the Mormon faith? We did. Okay. About a year and a half ago. That must be quite a transition because when you're Mormon, there's a lot of rules. And as all religions have, trust me, I grew up Irish Catholic and there were a million rules.

2:27Many of them which I fled. But I'm curious, that must be quite an adjustment. Yeah. Especially in the beginning. It was a lot for sure. especially like with our kids and trying to now explain how things are going to be different. And yeah. What would you say in your daily life is the most different thing for you now that, because I know there were a lot of, there's a lot of restrictions about, have you tried any alcohol or anything like that? Yes, I have. It's okay. You're talking to, you're among friends here. Isn't it so fun? Sona is drunk right now. So you should feel very much at home talking to us.

3:05What was the first drink that you tried? My husband and I made a rum and Coke in our bathroom. You did it in your, you know what's, you're allowed to have a drink. You're not making - We were hiding from our kids. Okay. It's just so like, let's go have a little bit of rum and put it in some Coke. If the police find out we're in trouble. So I love that you also say we each, like you made one drink and you tried it. Did you like it? Yeah, it was okay. Okay. I mean, they're all not great, but it was good. They're all not great. Liquor. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so some of them you're just kind of like, what is this?

3:45No, I have to be honest with you. There's a bunch that people rave about, and I try it, and it just all tastes like gasoline to me. And I wonder, why does someone want to drink gasoline? Especially after 36 years of not having any. Right, exactly. That said, I'm still open if any major liquor brand wants me to advertise. Oh, Adam's giving a thumbs up. Oh, my God. Adam just booked five ads. No, Brie, let me make a point. I don't care what the brand is or I will drink it, I will have it in my home, and I will get the tattoo on my forehead if the money's worth. So, Brie, all right, that's a big change.

4:25Have you had, I know that Mormons don't drink coffee. Have you tried coffee? I did, yes. Yes, I don't like coffee. You don't like it. It's an acquired taste. I don't like it. What did you, it's gotta be really good, well-made coffee. What was the first coffee you tried? I went to Starbucks, which I hear is a mistake. Oh. Well, I just wanna say, I don't know if they advertise. Oh God. Not for you guys. I think they do, and I don't think it's a mistake at all. And I think it's a mistake for you to say it's a mistake. Oh my God. Okay, my bad. This is so embarrassing. People told me, that's the - Well guys, people say a lot of things.

4:58Your first drink. People tell me don't drink water because you won't get hydrated. They're wrong. Starbucks, try it. Make it your next stop. They were right. You could try anywhere else. But I had a pumpkin spice latte for my first. Oh, you gotta, wait, your first taste of real coffee was a pumpkin spice latte. That's not coffee. Maybe that was the mistake. That's like saying, I wanna try this thing called food. I think I'll have some Captain Crunch. That's not - I love Captain Crunch. That is good. I would do that if I've never had food before. You're right, that was a terrible example. Captain Crunch wanted to advertise their house.

5:32Yes, see, you did it now. Are they General Mills? I think I'm in good with them. Anyway, all my conversations are driven. This is the saddest thing I've ever heard you do. Just pander. It is General Mills, isn't it? Yeah, I know those guys, they're good. The General Mills, I know them. You know those guys? Yeah. The Generals? Yeah, the General Mills guys and I, We hang out in a boat in the Caribbean. Anyway, yes, you should try real coffee sometime. Put a little cream in there. Don't take it straight black, but just try it again. But what am I telling you this for? Also, it has health benefits, coffee.

6:11It does a lot of good for you. Yeah, that'd be great. All right, well I just wanna be sort of giving you a lot of life advice. So Bree, I've learned a lot about you and I find this whole area very fascinating and you seem like a very impressive person. What do you do for a living? Thank you. What's your occupation? I own a bridal shop. Oh, and can I say one thing? I shouldn't have assumed. You don't, like, what's your occupation? You have 75 children. Yeah. It just occurred to me how stupid that is because you have six kids. You have an incredible job. Thank you. But you do also work at a, you said a bridal shop?

6:50So I was a stay-at-home mom for 18 years and supported my husband through his schooling and training and everything he was doing. And then just last October, actually, we opened a bridal shop. So I do that. All right. So you're running a bridal shop. And then I want to know if the cliches are true because you always hear that the brides can get insane or family members can get insane. You've been running a bridal shop now for a while. What can you tell us is really the deal? So brides don't tend to be too bad. It's typically the moms. The moms. Really, Sona, would you like to weigh in? Well, I wanted a small wedding, and then I had 550 people there.

7:32And I didn't know a lot of them on my side. And all but one or two were Armenian, I will say. It was amazing. It was a full-on Armenian service that was beautiful. And then it was an incredible party. Yeah. But it was like we had all been transported to Armenia. It was incredible. Anyone I've ever looked at in my life was invited. I didn't even really know a lot of the people. But yes, my parents took over my wedding. Specifically, maybe your mom. Nadia is a very, and I love Nadia. Nadia is strong, and I mean that in the kindest way. She is a strong woman. She's a strong woman. And when you go head to head with Nadia, it is the clash of the titans.

8:12It's amazing. I sometimes sit on a far hill and watch these two go after each other. Like King Kong and Godzilla. It's incredible. Boulders are thrown, lightning bolts are tossed. Yeah. But it was still a beautiful wedding. So you say the moms. So tell us what you've seen, Brie. Describe some of the behavior of these moms, if you will. So recently we had a mom who wanted to have alterations done to the dress after. They had already bought the dress. Daughter loves the dress. everything's good everything's happy everything's fine yeah and then she wanted certain alterations done but said but if we don't like the alterations we want you to take the dress back oh and we're like not really how it works all sales are final you signed a thing you know we explained she got really upset and it turned into a huge thing with us ending in filing a police report oh my god now did she get physical um no okay i did bring my oldest son with me because i knew she was coming back so he came in with me as like protection because he's you know six feet tall and bigger than me so he came in just to help just in case but she was threatening and did tell me that her husband would be coming to see us and so i was like well what is that supposed to mean like to talk to what and yeah was she using any foul language um not too bad no okay what a weird question why are you asking about foul language because brie grew up in a certain way uh-huh mormon church and i would just hate the idea of anyone using foul language around her she's drinking rum and cokes in the bathroom.

10:03You know? I also love foul language now. Yeah! Hey! Hey, Bree, you're one of us! Yeah, welcome! Fuck yeah!

10:22Well, Bree, I have to say, I've not known you long, but I hate you, you just seem like a lovely person. I hate the idea of being someone being mean to you. And I just wanted you to know, I'm 6 '4", about 200 pounds. I know my way around punching bag. Not true. But I would love... You'd be like muscle? Do you think I could be intimidating? I think you could be intimidating, but I also think everybody knows who you are. So they're just going to be like, why is Conan O 'Brien just hanging out at this bridal shop? And I'd say, to rip your husband's fucking head off if he comes in here and turn it into a corsage.

10:59How's that sound to you, shit for brains? I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, you're gonna taste shoe leather. You know, it's that kind of stuff. You know what I mean? I would just go monster on these people. And they would go back and they would say, Conan O 'Brien was there and he's taller than I thought and his hair makes him like six, eight. And he just seemed insane. And I think that would frighten them. and I don't think they would mess with you anymore. And then you and I would go to your bathroom and your husband would join us and we'd all share one rum and coke. Each taking our turn with little discreet sips.

11:35And then off to Starbucks for a pumpkin spice latte. Starbucks, doing the best coffee since 1965. You're not getting paid yet. I won't do slogans and stuff. Starbucks, more than just coffee, also pumpkin. I'm just making up. I'm trying, I'm doing the best I can. So that's interesting that you have. So sad. He owes that money now? Listen, you could, what's really cool was I think now you're starting to see that there's all those years when your kids are young and they have to take care of them and make sure they don't get hurt, but then they get bigger and older and then they suddenly become this, you've got six dudes that have got your back for life.

12:21and they love you because I can tell you're a great mom. Thank you. And I'm not even including your husband who I'm hoping is a badass. But let's just say he's not. Let's just say his name is Quigley and he's a stamp collector. Okay. But any hoots. Old Quigs. Old Quigs. I'm getting my stamps. Honey, there's a guy here threatening me at the shop. Mmm, stamps. So anyway, but you blow a whistle that you keep on your person and six monster dudes, you know come storming in and they hear mom's in trouble god i wouldn't mess with you i'm not going to ever mess with you yeah thank you and i've thought about finding a bridal shop somewhere about an hour outside of salt lake city and causing some trouble but now i'm not going to do it yeah but what if they're sweet like if your mom blew a whistle like the six of you wouldn't go and be like what are you doing my mom like you wouldn't do that oh i'd be well first of all i'd I'd say like, well, I've got these interviews to do.

13:21And then I'm having a facial over at the spa. Luke and Justin would say, we're lawyers. We have legal matters to attend to. You know, my sister's got stuff to do. Neil's probably watching F Troop. You know, so no. Would we come? No, we would not. Sorry, mom, you're on your own. Good luck with those thugs. She's 92, she can handle herself. Oh no! Oh my God. She's a policeman's daughter from Worcester, Massachusetts. She can give as good as she gets. I have no compassion, Bree, you can probably see that. Oh my God. I've tried many times to become a Mormon, they wouldn't have me. They said I was just too malicious.

13:58No? Yeah, absolute straight no. Very few religions I've applied to have wanted me to be part of their. You did an application. I've done many applications. Applied to be Jewish? Absolutely not, they said. Okay. Bree, did you have a question for Conan? Hey, good one, David. I did it. I finally remembered to ask. He gets literally passed a note that has a giant question mark on it when the time comes. We could probably get a parrot and train it to do this, but that's what David's doing right now. David, here's your cracker. Do you have a question? Yeah, do you have a question? Hey, so my question is, if you were to pick a bridal dress for you, what would you want it to look like?

14:39Okay, I'm gonna tell you exactly what I would do. Well, you thought about this. Oh, I think about dresses all the time. I would wear, first of all, I've talked about this a bit in my career, in my life, and it's just true. I have a slightly disproportionate body. Mm. Again, very in person, you'd be impressed. I'm a good looking guy. People always say this. They always say you're much better looking in person, right, Sona? Yeah, and you're taller in person. Yeah, and I'm taller in person. But they do in person. They always say you're better looking in person, and I'm thinking like, I kind of feel like it's an insult.

15:10Like, how bad is it on TV? And then here I am on this little podcast studio. That can't look good. Any hoots, my point is I have very long legs and then maybe a relatively shorter torso. Not a short torso, but relative to the rest of my body. So what I would want to do is I would want a dress that would break up where my waist was and maybe lower, give the illusion of lowering the waist. Okay? I would like a padded ass, because I have no ass at all. Just a washboard, sheer drop. And we could do a booty tuck too. What does that mean? So in alterations, you bring the fabric in under the bum and just kind of like make it a little bit tighter there.

15:48So if you don't have much of a butt, you just kind of create it. And it helps. You should do that with your regular clothes. I also love that you said bum. I just love that. I don't know why. I never think of my bum, but there it is, yes. No, I want lots of padding back there, okay? A lot of padding. I also, I would like padding in the chestal region as well. I want to have a full, ample bosom in this dress. Are you turning into a woman in this dress? If I'm gonna wear a dress, I want to be very voluptuous. Okay. I like to be very curvy too. I thought it was you just wearing a dress, but you're transforming.

16:23Oh God no, I want to go all the way. Okay. I'd also take hormone treatments for about six years. Oh okay, all right, that sounds good. I'd like a high heel, because I think it's flattering on the leg. I have nice legs, nice long legs. I can't wait till you wear a high heel. I would like a high heel, so I'll be about 6 '9", okay? Okay, okay. Just this towering, voluptuous woman. Yeah, very voluptuous, ample. I also would like... What? No lace, I'm not really into lace. I don't want any lace around the neck, okay? Okay. Plunging neckline. Just around the neck or anywhere? I don't really want lace.

16:59Okay. I'm not much of a lace person, but I want a very long train. Very long train. and I know this is, I don't know if this has ever been done before, but I want a very long train and then I want to put like little characters and little figures on the train that travel with me as I'm walking down the aisle. You know what I mean? And it's sort of like a tribute to my career. Like different figures that, oh, there's Conan in the late 80s. Oh, he's on The Simpsons. And I was, you know what I mean? Whatever, just stuff that tells my story that's on the train and it's kind of glued to the dress so it doesn't fall over.

17:29And that's another thing where all my bridesmaids are there to make sure that the little figurines don't, the little figure of Lorne Michaels doesn't fall over, the little figure of the masquerading bear. Sorry, I know you're formerly a Mormon. Anyway, there's Triumph Insel Comic Dog, you know, like just stuff I'm kind of, that are associated with me over the years, you know? Yeah, I love it. I think it'd be kind of fun. What kind of dress and what material would you suggest? I would maybe do, if you want more simple, there's like crepe fabrics, there's satin, there's, it just depends on what feels good to you, what you think you would look good in.

18:04I like a highly flammable. I feel like you're a taffeta guy. Oh, taffeta, I might like taffeta. Yeah, I feel like you're in the taffeta world. I'll go taffeta. I'm sorry, did you say plunging neckline right here? Yes, yes. Oh, okay, I thought I heard that. Yeah, we're gonna create a bosom, you know. If you got it, show it! I've never said, because I never had it. But, you know what I mean? Yeah. I want those bald men on the balcony. Look over the railing. Oh, man. Someone just told me that I no longer have a podcast. I love this dress. I love the idea of this dress. I'm very impressed with you, Bree.

18:44Thank you. Jesus, you're raising six boys. I think you're doing an amazing job. And then it sounds like you ran a tight ship, and then you started this business. and now you're dealing with hooligans and thugs that come by and threaten you and I've got your back, okay? Thank you. I really do. I really appreciate that. And I love, I do love Utah so I'd love to figure out a way to stop by and then just sort of wander around your shop and hope this abusive woman comes in. Okay? I'll let her know. And then if her husband shows up, oh man, you know, manslaughter. Yeah, can't wait. I would love that.

19:20I'm gonna kill you. You're gonna kill him? I'm gonna kill him. okay that seems extreme like it's just it's like a dispute over a dress now they're gonna file a police report i know i don't care i've had a good i've had a good career and also i think it's gonna really trend online conan o 'brien murders difficult man with his bare hands difficult man murders slightly difficult man he's just there what if he comes in brie what if he comes in just to apologize for his wife's behavior. And I don't give him a second. I'm like, it's shit time, motherfucker! And then I just start ripping his lungs out.

19:58He was just there with a very nicely worded note. I apologize. He hasn't been a part of this. I haven't heard from him. He could be a very nice man. I'm sure he is. Not. Bree, I really like talking to you. And as I said, I'm a fan. and I hope our paths cross someday. That'd be cool. I would love that. That'd be amazing. Take care, Bree. Thanks, Bree. Okay, thanks guys. Nice to meet you. Bye. Bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

20:41Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

21:28This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.