Scurvy Rag Doll

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Kevin, welcome to this What's up guys, so nice to meet you Conan, Matt, Sona Very nice to meet you Kevin, and tell us Your background's all blurry Yes, for a reason Your camera, I don't even want to know What's going on back there Caleb, he's coming through in very vibrant colors Yeah, it's very vibrant It's Kevin, you called him Caleb I'm sorry, Kevin, I apologize thinking of this i dated a old whaling captain in high school and you remind me of him i'm sorry kevin um now kevin uh where are you where are you calling us from i'm from dallas the fw area ah dallas texas dallas for dallas fort worth specifically i'm in royce city i'm about 40 minutes east of dallas but i grew up in dallas okay well i'm not planning an attack so let's just say Dallas.

1:09You want my address or no? Yeah, I'm not trying to program a missile. But you tell us a little bit about yourself. Yeah. So obviously, my name is Kevin, not Caleb. I was going to let that go. But again, you remind me of an old whaling, Kevin. Okay. First time I heard that. No, but yeah, my name is Kevin. I'm 29 years old. I'm a real estate agent in Dallas. Married, just turned two years with my wife, and I have a dog, no kids yet. Hopefully soon, we're planning that. But yeah, it's a little bit about myself. Okay. I'm not a police officer that just pulled you over. But still, it's nice to know all that information.

1:53So you got married when you were 27, is that correct? Yes. That's a good age. And how'd you meet your wife? How'd you guys uh hook up so i met her i met her through mutual friends through the social media i saw her one time on you know on my feed followed her she did not follow back i unfollowed her saw her again a few months later and i was like you're that girl that didn't follow back and then she followed me afterwards and then little by little eventually went on a date and then you know the rest is history as they say yeah i wouldn't say it's history i mean we'll see it's uh that's really making a huge claim but we'll see right we'll see what what the historians write um i followed my wife and this was before the internet um yeah she said stop following me uh and then she started following you yeah yeah just to get my information for the police um so uh you are in real estate The old real estate game, eh?

2:54Correct. I know you have a joke where I believe you said you didn't want your kids to know exactly what you did. And I think you said that you wanted them to think you were a successful realtor. I don't know if that was a joke of yours or not, but I thought that was hilarious because I could relate. Yeah, I just chose a profession because I thought, well, when my kids were young, I didn't want them to know I was in show business because I thought I wanted them to respect their father. So, yeah. But I have respect for realtors. I've dealt with realtors. you guys do, you men and women do a great service.

3:23I'll say that. I mean, yeah, it's not the easiest thing in the world, obviously. There's a lot that we do and a lot of stuff that people don't see that we do. A lot of people just see that we post, you know, our closing pictures that we got paid, but they don't see how complicated a specific deal was or wasn't, obviously. Well, I watch Selling the OC and also Selling Sunset. So I know how much hair and makeup you guys have to go into. And you have to work for those. That's why I don't watch those shows. You have to work for those annoying little twins. And I just know how hard it is. And you all have sex with each other.

3:56I know what it's like. You're shot in a beautiful golden light. Right, right, right. No, but how's the market these days in Dallas? So obviously the interest rates really suck right now. I think if you have a very good credit score, you're still getting a 7 % to 7.5 % rate, which is not very good. But again, it's all, you're missing context, right? I believe back in the 80s, I wasn't born, obviously, but I was told rates were like at 18%. But then again, obviously, like five years ago or four years ago during the pandemic, they were at 3%. And now they're slowly but surely rising. And it just, it is what it is.

4:32That's what the market is right now. But people are still buying. Again, I live in Dallas. I live in Texas, the great state of Texas. And real estate is somewhat affordable, at least compared to New York or California. So people are still buying and selling. If you live in Texas, are you legally required to say the great state of Texas? Because I'm from Massachusetts and no one ever fucking said, well, we're from the great state of Massachusetts. The comb of the cod and the bean. You know, funny thing is that I was born in California, in Pasadena specifically. Yeah. One of the dinos, right, Sona and Matt?

5:07Dina! Dina! Yeah, that's exciting. That's where I was born. Okay, so you were born there, but then you went to the great state of Texas. The great state of Texas when I was two. Because, again, it was just more affordable for my family. So I'm a Texan. My joke is that I drive a truck, not a Tesla. And I just love being here. But California is the place to be or the place to visit for sure. I enjoy going back. Yeah. Well, I got no beef with Texas. I've enjoyed. Well, I think I've been to. I've done shows. I've done shows in Dallas. In Dallas. and thoroughly enjoyed the people and had a great time.

5:44And is it, you know, if you're a realtor, and this is the question I have, what do you have to say about a house before you show it? I'm a murder fanatic, and I've always heard that if there's a murder in a home, you have to reveal that up front. Is that true? Yeah, so I was expecting you to ask me this question, So I pulled up the actual wording just so I don't mess it up. But the wording is, you have no duty to disclose information related to whether the property has been the site of a death by natural causes, a suicide, or accident unrelated to the condition of the property. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

6:25I literally live, on my street was a murder house, but I think it was a manslaughter house. Do you have to disclose that? Did you find out through the neighbors or through what's called a sudden or something? I did the manslaughter. Yeah, he was the one that committed, he committed the crime. Okay. You don't have to disclose that anymore, Matt. Keep that to yourself. No, I found out through Neighbors that that was the case. And it was very much like that documentary, The Staircase. Have you guys seen that? Yeah. It's similar. But see, okay, this brings up an interesting question. So suicide, I mean, it's creepy, but I guess you don't have to report it.

6:59Right. when you say a death that was not related to the condition of the house. So if someone slipped on a defective stare and fell down, do you have to report that? Yes. Or if a piece of sheetrock falls from the ceiling and it hits your head and it kills you, it's a defect of the house. Therefore, you have to disclose it. But then when you say disclose it, is it like when a prostitute asks you if you're a cop and you can't say you're not a cop? like do you have to wait for them to ask you if someone was murdered or do you go right up front and you're like can i say something no prostitute has ever asked me if i'm a cop that's a tv thing that's why yeah isn't that true it's not a it's not a real thing every prostitute that i've dealt with and i'm not i'm say sex worker because i think that's the better term okay sorry i didn't know you're so progressive well i am okay it's a profession uh and uh the oldest profession yeah Well, next to Gravedigger, I'm going to say.

7:57Anyway, yeah, they never bring that up. You reek of cop. You do. Yeah. Yeah. No, they always just say, oh, you look like that guy on TV. The real needy guy. Oh, yeah. And then I say, hey, what's up? Are we going to do this deal or not? And then I start crying and then they just walk away. No, Sona, to answer your question, my rule of thumb is disclose everything. Worry about nothing because you can get sued in real estate, obviously. see. So my thing is, what's happened? Go ahead and just disclose it if we're required to.

8:37Have you ever sold a murder house? No, I have not. However, I did. In my opinion, I hosted an open house that was haunted. And let me explain. I walked into the house. It was a very nice neighborhood. I walked in and I felt kind of weird a little bit. I can't explain it, but it just felt very weird. Something felt off. Very off. It was a little chilly too. I don't know if the AC was on blast. I don't remember. But the point is I showed up, I started turning on all the lights and this specific house had an upstairs game room. So I go upstairs and as I'm walking up, I see that they have a couch all the way towards the very end.

9:12And there's like a five foot rag doll just laying there on the couch. And I was like, yeah, I'm not going up there. So I didn't turn on that light. This sounds like a sitcom plot where the kids don't want to sell the house or they're trying to make it seem haunted. Yeah. Yeah. A horror movie where that doll comes to life. Yeah. And I think it's I think it's the latter. I think you wouldn't have felt those vibes if it was a if it was a rom-com or a sitcom. You wouldn't have felt those vibes. It's that doll, right? Yes, it's that doll I'm telling you, it was a creepy doll Did you notice that when you came downstairs and went to the kitchen The doll was there too?

9:48Ah, no When I went back upstairs, I wasn't there anymore No, I'm just kidding But it was pretty creepy I'm not going to finish that question It's a sex rag doll I started it and then I stopped it The sex rag doll has to ask you if you're a cop Hey, before we get started You a cop Yes I am and this is not illegal So let's do this Second, do you mind washing me? I need about Three go arounds on the washing machine Because you're the Ninth guy here today Well I'm sorry I've dealt with sex rag dolls It's a mess Where'd you find them? There's a reason they use plastics Fucking yarn It's a mess. It's a mess.

10:41It's erotic at first, and then you're like, oh my God, how are we cleaning this up?

10:48I'm just... Oh, what's that song? Is it hard? Is the yarn fur? Oh, shut up. That's gross. You mean like crusted? No, no, no. Can I say something? I thought I took it right up to the appropriate place, and then you turned it into something disgusting. Just a second ago, I was like, I'm not gonna say ragdoll, but then you come into that, it's just ossified with jizz. Okay, let's take it easy. I was not expecting this conversation to go here. Well, anyway, I think you were right. You were right getting out of that house before your passions overcame you. That's why I would have laughed. I would have been like, I gotta get out of here before.

11:27I mean, cause man, nothing gets me going like a five foot two rag doll. I love that it's not quite tall, but it's not like baby size. No, it's just a shorter person. Yeah, it's a rag doll. Why was it bigger than two feet? I don't understand. Yeah, it's a rag doll that, you know, didn't get enough milk, not enough nutrition, and then two packs a day. It's just like a scurvy child from the 1700s. My old scurvy rag doll. Oh, God. Oh, man, that gets me going. I'm so hot and bothered right now. So where is this doll now? No, no, no. No, you could mail it to me. I'm writing down scurvy ragdoll as the title of this episode.

12:12Scurvy ragdoll. I can probably hunt down the sellers, even though that was about four years ago. Yeah, just say I'll pay any price. Deep pockets over you. Say Conan O 'Brien demands that ragdoll. Must have it. He jealously wants it. So you mentioned your wife. What does your wife do? She used to work in a dental office, but now she has quit, and she's pursuing her dreams to be a content creator on social media. Oh. So I guess she's unemployed but self-employed. She's doing that and she's also a makeup artist. What aspect is she working on? Like what's her specialty? I would say maybe I'm not saying the correct term but in the beauty field.

12:50So she'll post stuff about, I don't know, some new hair product. She'll record a video, post it and obviously, you know, different brands see and they begin sending her products to obviously. No, it's – it's if you if you do it right uh it's apparently quite lucrative works out well right yeah absolutely that's what she does um and you say kids maybe kids in the future yeah so again i'm about to be 30 my wife's also going to be 30 even though she's about six months younger but you know time's ticking and i think more than anything yeah wow well no well i'm sorry anything i'm sorry I just had a child.

13:32Yeah, you're like a newborn and you're talking to a skeleton they just found. That's offended. I'm not offended. I'm just telling you, you're right. You're a child. Do it now. I'm exhausted. Do I have the energy? I can wait, but my parents are getting older. And it's like, I want my parents to still play with my kids, of course. So that's what I meant by time is time. Well, I know just the baby gift to send you when that time comes. So now you need my address. Scurvy Ragdoll headed your way. That'll get us going.

14:08Spice things up in the bedroom. That'll set the mood. Scurvy Ragdoll. Wait till I tell my wife after we hang up on this call. I just want to do the commercial for Scurvy Ragdoll. Yeah, let's hear a little. Scurvy Ragdoll, get yours today. Tired of being alone? You don't have to be. Scurvy Ragdoll. This ragdoll's been at sea for six months without any vitamin C. Stunted growth, but really a tiger in the bedroom. Only been washed twice in ten years, scurvy ragdoll. Starved of oranges and sexual attention for six months at a time.

14:47This doll will go mad on you. Oh, man. Jesus. What happened here? You're a nice fellow, Kevin. You're in real estate. You're in Dallas, Texas. And then this happened. And I don't know. I just feel sorry. I feel terrible. I'm here for the show. Do you have a question for me that I can answer? Yeah, I do, actually. So obviously, as a realtor, you have to host open houses and different people do different things. Some have cookies for, you know, guests and whatnot. But if you were a real estate agent, what would you do at your open house in order to bring in potential clients? I think saying a celebrity is going to be there.

15:28You know what I mean? It's just what I mean, that's how you get people into casinos. That's how you get people into any kind of venue is I would use my connections in my business, my friendships. And I would say, yeah, come to this open house, you know, whatever. I thought you were the celebrity. No, I would do it. I just don't know that that would be a big enough draw. Could it be like a casino so like Matchbox 20 would just be playing? I'd say, you know, it's a wonderful, it's a... I love Matchbox 20. Yeah, who doesn't? Sunken living room, three bedroom, four bath, and Matchbox 20 will be playing for two hours.

16:09No, make it four hours. They'll do as they're told. You know? And then, yeah. Four hours. But the open house is only two hours. So for two hours, they're just playing for you. alone. They're getting, they're tuning up. There's me saying, they're playing while I pour out lemonade and put out cookies. Uh, yeah, I would say, uh, celebrities. I would get, I would pack, I would get as many celebrities at my open houses as possible. I would advertise it. And I would say you get a picture with the celebrity. Um, and, uh, yeah, I would, I would just make it a celebrity fun filled event. Okay. And I would move a lot of product that way.

16:46I'd be selling houses that are just shit, just awful houses. Houses with - What if nobody shows up? What do you, oh, you don't think anyone's gonna show up when I tell them that Cliff Clavin from Cheers is there? I don't think so. You're gonna be like, who's that? Oh, yeah, Kevin, who's that? Only one of the iconic characters of all time. Name's John Ratzenberger. When they hear Ratzenberger's in town, you're gonna have to just take the hinges off the doors because they'll smash it over. Anyway, that's my idea. Sounds like it'll be a successful open house. I'm going to take notes right now. Yeah, if you want my help booking it, I'll do it.

17:22I'll get you the same person, Paula Davis, who books the podcast. I'll have her book your open houses. Once she tells celebrities that they have to be at a ranch-style home in the Fort Worth area for four hours while Matchbox 20 plays in the background, they'll be beating a path to your door. Thank God. There's a house I'm selling at the moment, and I can't sell it. Well Can you just leave it up to me And Matchbox 20 And John Ratzenberger Who played Cliff Clavin On Cheers Alright well it was very nice Talking to you Kevin And I wish you all the best You seem like a nice guy My best to your wife We didn't get to meet her But we will next time Absolutely Very nice talking to you Thanks guys You guys have a great day See ya Kevin Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien Sonam of Sessian And Matt Gourley Produced by me Matt Gourley.

18:14Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message.

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