Sgt. Microphone Glassian

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Joy. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hello, everyone. Hi, Joy. Chill chums. I'm so excited to talk to you guys. Tell us about yourself, Joy. First of all, where are you right now? I'm in this, you might think it's a dungeon, but it's not. It is a hotel room. I am currently at a conference, the American Association of Zookeepers. Wow. I hope you're a zookeeper or else I feel very sorry for you. Are you a zookeeper? I am indeed. So my day to day, I work with Humboldt penguins, Caribbean flamingos, Aldabra tortoises, American alligators.

0:55One of my favorites that I help fill in for the snot otters or hellbenders. Whoa. And then fill in with manatees and some other aquatics. So where is your zoo? Central Ohio in Columbus. Okay, in Columbus, Ohio. and this is a zoo that, do you have a lot of other animals and these are just the ones you specialize in? Correct. So I'm in the Shores region, which is probably one of the more diverse regions to work in just because we have a lot of local conservation projects. But it is a catch-all. So it's like reptiles and some aquarium stuff. And yeah, yeah, birds, throw those in. Are there any animals that you wish that you were in charge of that you're not in charge of?

1:37Like, man, I wish I got to hang with that bear. Do you know what I mean? I would love to work with otters or tapirs. I think they'd be so cool. Wait, but you said you work with a... Snot otter? A snot otter. That is an otter. So, no. It's a loving phrase for a hellbender, which is our largest amphibian in North America. so they can get to be um like close to about two feet uh when they're fully grown and they live under rocks they're good stream indicators for uh stream health and they're slimy okay hence the snot otters hellbender but it's like when you're talking to kids and the public like they really latch on to snot otter like what but they're actually i mean they're really cute so you'd like to more time with real otters and less time with snot otters is that what you're saying well okay can I be greedy can I have both sure sure but why when I suggested bear you didn't take that do you have a bear at your zoo we do we have so so what's your problem with the bear why wouldn't you want to spend more time with the bear they're amazing but I'm also really short and sometimes I like to work with things that I'm bigger than so I don't think that's a problem me Me too.

2:55I only hire people who are smaller than me so I can lure it over them. That's everyone. Yeah, exactly. That's why I fire anyone who's over 6 '4". Well, tell us, Joy, so you take care of these animals. How does one even get into zookeeping? How does that happen? It is a very competitive field. So a lot of times when we're out there scrubbing poo, like, is a lot of our job. they will turn to their kid and be like, see, if you don't go to school, you'll end up like that. And it's actually, we get a lot of schooling. I got a master's degree in biological sciences. And yes, scrubbing poo is part of it.

3:35But wait a minute. You're telling me that you're at the zoo taking care of the animals and sometimes you're picking up poo and you'll hear a parent say to their kid, yeah, if you don't study hard, you'll end up like that one. Have you actually heard someone say that? Who are these dicks? Yes. That's terrible. That's cool. That's cool. First of all, I'm sorry I said it.

3:57I was in a bad mood and I was in Ohio and I just was trying to check out the zoo and I was with my kid and he said, I don't have to go to college. And I saw, whatever. I was way out. You weren't even with your kid. You just said that to a random kid. I said it to a random child. He started crying and said, who the fuck are you? So Joy, you take care of all these different animals. Tell me about tortoises because I've never connected with tortoises. I like animals, but I don't connect with the tortoise. I just don't. Oh my gosh. On an emotional level. And maybe they're onto me, maybe they know something.

4:31I don't, you know, they're picking up on a bad vibe. But I've never connected with the tortoise. In fact, most animals with a shell and I don't get along. I don't like a shrimp. I don't like any kind of mollusk. If it's got a shell, I tell it to go to hell. That's my motto. So quite a gimmick. Yeah. The tortoise. Tell us about it. OK, so they're amazing. And granted, yes, you can have some that are like, no, I don't want anything to do with you. But we and personally in my care, we'll take care of our Aldabra tortoises that are 76 and 56 years old. And Bubba is the oldest animal at the zoo. He weighs about 567 pounds.

5:13Sonny's about 100 pounds lighter than he is. You have a 76-year-old tortoise? Mm-hmm. Does it talk a lot about how... Now, Eisenhower was a president. He was a commander-in-chief, but also he had led troops in the field, unlike our current presidents. Take it easy, tortoise. Does, I mean, can you sense the wisdom of an animal that's been around for 76 years? Um, well, I don't know that I would go straight to wisdom, but charismatic, absolutely. Hands down. So even just walking in to their yard and you say their name, a lot of times when they're not napping, they'll perk up and they'll start coming over and walking over to you.

6:04and they love scritches on their neck and their shells and they stand up nice and tall. And they were, I mean, they're a day brightener. Like if you're having a bad day, go hang out with our Aldabra tortoises. Sunny oftentimes will come over too and they just really just want like scritches. It's not helpful if you're trying to hose because oftentimes they will get in the way of the hose so you can bathe them. They really like getting spritzed down. Doesn't it take them 40 minutes to come over to where you are? They're very slow, aren't they? such beef with tortoise well i'm sorry but it depends no they're slow they are on a mission they can move quickly okay not in my experience they can move slowly yeah but a lot of times if you have a good you know if they want to hang out with you they're going to come over so a lot of times if we have to bring them inside for the evening because it's ohio and in the autumn and early spring it gets too cold for them to be outside we like to encourage them to come inside that's where they get their dinner.

7:02And also, you know, they'll get encouragement for coming in. So they'll see us back there, start trucking their way in. Sometimes they do a little lap, but yeah, they come over and - All right, I'm gonna be honest with you, Joy. I've never met a charismatic tortoise, ever. I have to agree. Ever. You need to spend more time with tortoises. And can I say something? Your bar for charisma is super low. You were like, oh my God, these tortoises are so charismatic. Oh really, Joy, tell us. Well, you call their name and they lift their head. then slowly make their way to you. And if you scratch them, they tend to seem to be okay with it.

7:36Wow, that's a real JFK. But here I am talking to you. Oh. So. Oh. Oh. I see. So I have the equal amount of charisma as a tortoise. Hey, how do tortoises mate? Very carefully. Well, so the males oftentimes on the underside of their shell will have like a concave indent. So that I have that. Yeah. I have a concave indent. Caused me a lot of shame. He'll mount the female and then they kind of will tuck their tail underneath where their cloaca is. And they'll make. Oftentimes the males will make noises. They grunt. you usually can hear several buildings over when the tortoises are mating because it's a very loud, yes, grunt.

8:30Like what? Oh, no. Well, I'm okay. But smaller ones. That could be a tortoise or anyone I know. I mean, I'm going to be honest with you. I might be part tortoise.

8:46I'm concave down there and I go, oh. Oh, come on. Don't give me body shame. I'm telling you about a very, I'm opening up here. Well, then you should be more into the tortoises. Yeah. Is this self-loathing? Because you, yeah, you, you see yourself in them. And maybe my shell is my sarcastic exterior. Yeah. Yeah. Bullshit. We went deep. No, I just said some stuff and then we moved on. Okay. Well, and you also take care of penguins? Yep. Describe these penguins. Are they the penguins that we see in cartoons, just that run around in bow ties and stuff? Is it those penguins? So they're a warm climate species of penguins that are in South America.

9:29God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe you're putting up with any of this joy. You have all this education and knowledge. I'm like, ha, and these are the ones that have the, you know, the bow ties. They wait tables in cartoons. To be fair, we do have an Oswald Cobblepot to play into that. Oh, wow, that's the name of one? Oh. Oh, and he runs it like it's his colony too. So he is kind of the villain. Is that an emperor penguin? No. So they are Humboldt. So they're South American or Peruvian penguins. They're medium size. They're smaller than a king. And emperors are the largest. What's the largest penguin?

10:07How big would it get? Like they can probably stand about. Oh, like species wise or like our penguins. Sorry. No, just any penguin. I'm just curious. What's the biggest penguin in the world? You want to know if you can take it? Well, let me hear the size first, and then I'll determine if I can fight it. I don't work with emperors, but I do believe they're probably closer to three and a half, four feet. I would have to fact check that because I've never worked with them. But the ones I work with come up to my knee, so they're like, I don't know. What's their personality? What's the personality of these penguins that you work with?

10:43The level of sass is probably a mixture of cats and high school girls. oh wow okay very sassy sassy and they get into it with each other and sort of gossip about each other yeah oh they're always yelling at each other absolutely hanging out at the mall so yeah they try on makeup but never buy it sorry they steal scrunchies come on a lot of things you guys don't know anything about teenage girls i know all about them i know all about teenage age girls okay and flamingos you work with flamingos absolutely so they are taller than i am some of them um we have a flock that it has been my goal to name every single bird when i first started because they were just numbered right and i thought that was kind of a cop-out i did that I was with Matt and Sona when they first worked here.

11:44Number eight and number 11. Don't ask me why. It's not even in order. What happened in between? You don't want to know. Let's just say they didn't work out. And their families miss them.

11:57So you work with flamingos. Could you ever, could someone ride a flamingo or flamingos aren't big? I'm thinking of like an ostrich. Not so much, yeah, no. Could a tortoise ride a flamingo? what are you asking in this case size matters so i would say teeny tiny yes but it would probably fall off because flamingos are flirting walking everywhere flapping wings bathing they're they're not one to stay still for too long can i just say that you're a highly educated person who's worked very hard to take care of these animals is there some part of you that's insulted by the idiocy of my questions. It's kind of like the spice of life, so I'm not insulted.

12:39Good. Well, I would be if I were you. You should be. Well, there are a lot of children that come to her zoo probably. That's true. So she's used to it. I bet you even children don't go as low as... This is a tortoise? Right, do flamingo? Billy, you're stupid. Maybe I am. I mean, we keep a quote book at work for all the questions that we get, so, you know. I'm in there now. Well, do you have a question for me, Joy? I'm here to answer your questions and help you in any way I can. So one I have for you, and the other, I need the help of you and the chill chums. The first one is just kind of fun. If you were a penguin, because they often bring offerings to their mates or mates-to-be, like rocks or special rocks or something, what would you bring to woo your penguin mate to be signed headshot jesus of you yeah oh dear yeah i'd have signed headshot that's what i did with my wife oh no yeah i said hey you you seem like a pretty uh nice lady here hold on a second and i keep them in the trunk trunk of my car oh god and i got out on oh god yeah i got out a headshot a conor o 'brien headshot and i wrote All best wishes.

13:58And she went for that? I used to have such respect for Eliza. I know, she went for it. Wait, they're headshots of you? Yeah. Yes. No, they were Regis Philbin headshots that I kept in my trunk.

14:10I don't know, I would say, let's see if I really were a penguin. I'm gonna say I would bring some kind of, something that she could eat, you know? Because I know how important food is in the animal kingdom. Unlike humans, we don't need it. I would bring like, what do they eat? Do they eat nuts, berries? What do they eat? Fish. Fish? I'd bring a herring. I'd bring a herring, but maybe with a little nut inside it. I would bring, I wanted a little treat in there that she could choke on and I could save her and then I'm the hero. If you fed a penguin a nut, would it choke? I would drop it. It'd be like, absolutely not.

14:53Okay. They might play with it, but they probably wouldn't eat it. Okay, so nuts are out. All right, I'd bring a herring. I'd bring a herring with a little bow on it. And oh, you know what I'd do? I'd put it in a Tiffany's box. So she'd think she was getting a proposal and she'd be like, oh my God, I can't believe it. And then she'd get her friends to be filming it on YouTube and then she'd open it up and then it would be a herring and she'd be disappointed. But then it would start trending. She'd be like, oh man, that guy's fucked. You know, he blew it. Only it's to penguin or penguai. What's the plural of penguin?

15:28Is it penguai? You talk to you. Could a penguin ride a tortoise on top of a flamingo? Oh my God. The tortoise and the penguin, my God. These are adages. Like absurd fable from a drug addict. I know, I know. There once was a flamingo who was asked by a tortoise for a ride. Then a penguin came by and said, that I can't eat a nut, but I'll play with it. Is this a fable going anywhere, Aesop? I don't know, I'm making it up as I go along. Well, Joy, that's my answer. Herring in a Tiffany box. And Chill Chums, anything you need to add to this equation? Did you say you had another question? Is that? I did.

16:10So this one is kind of important because my coworkers and I are known for naming our chicks. very elaborate names. For instance, our flamingos are named after It's Always Sunny and Arrested Development characters. And our penguins, we just kind of have free reign. So there's a Charmin McSnugglebomb who was named after the toilet paper crisis of 2020. Professor Phineas Sprinklebottom, who I have on my own. Oh, wow. That's impressive. That's a great, that's a great, some great ink you got there. He's gorgeous. and then the Honorable Cheddar McFluff Esquire was named to make fun of us by our co-workers but we thought it was great so we kept it so this is kind of where the bar is at with our characters that we have in our colony so my question is do you chill chumps have some names that you would like to suggest for future chicks in our colony oh wow you guys can Well, come on, do that You guys, this is You've just been passed the ball in a crucial game Clock is ticking It's not that hard, just start throwing out some names Sergeant, microphone, glass Make sure you say what you're currently looking at Can we take it again?

17:32Sergeant Sergeant is my contribution Microphone, glass Okay, but I'm wondering if you could just say What you're seeing in front of you Microphone, glass Okay, that sounds good. Sergeant Microphone Glass, Esquire. I thought you'd do an Armenian name and put an I-A-N at the end. Oh. Sergeant Microphone-ian. Where's he live, Glendale? Oh, come on. That's not anything bad. I know, it's not. I don't know why I think. Yeah, right. It's fine. So Sergeant Microphone-ian. No, Sergeant Microphone Glass-ian. Yeah, Glass-ian. That's good. Yeah, there you go. I'll go little, little cold bird in a hot, sweaty world.

18:18Cluck, cluck, ping, ping. Wow, wow. What an asshole. You're telling me. Can a tortoise ride a penguin?

18:31That's great. I mean, these are good names. Are any of these usable so far? It might be a little struggle, but we might both work it. What about just Ben? Just a simple name like, hey, Ben. That's nice. You know, because you guys are getting into all it's Mr. Fluffernutter Habble-do. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. No, Ben. I like Ben. Ben. Hey, Ben, what's up? Oh, how's Ben doing? He got away. Oh, well, that's Ben. You know what I mean? It just makes things simple. We do have a Bruce Banner, but, you know. Oh, why? Does that penguin turn into like a mean penguin? A green penguin? He was really spicy when he was younger.

19:13And if you didn't feed him his fish, so his herring a certain way, he would flipper slap you and get just really angry. So we kind of gave him a spicy name, especially too. He would carry around one of his toys and rub it in the other penguin's faces and then slap at it. So, yeah, very spicy. Why didn't you name him the Hulk instead of the mild-mannered version of the Hulk Bruce? it turned out so when he got angry we would say bruce come here and we would start preening around his face and he would calm down and just start preening his back so it worked out perfectly yeah if it ain't broke don't fix it i always say and that's another name you can use uh joy i think we've learned a lot about you uh you seem very intelligent and i it seems like you're taking very good care of these animals you have a lot of empathy and i you seem like a very nice person so i'm glad you're doing that that's very nice and yeah um free to come meet the tortoises and see the connection that you can make with our boys i don't know i don't like tortoises we don't hit it off um you got to get out of that hotel room joy because you've been in there for a while and uh do you see the zookeepers party oh my gosh yes now we're talking what do you do what do you do like fun group when there's a zookeeper convention how does it get Off the hook.

20:34Yeah, how do zookeepers mate? Oh, man. Come on. Okay, I answer that one. But my husband who runs the poop truck is not gonna like any of those questions. Your husband runs the poop truck? Oh yeah, I call him the poop smith, but yeah, he runs the compost truck. So you saw him go buying a poop truck and you said, I gotta lock that down. No, no, we met at the trash compactor of love. That's different. Well, anyway, so your husband drives the poop truck at the zoo. And is he with you on this convention? No, no. Because we spend a lot of time in conferences, like presentations and stuff like that. And then at night, we'll do usually dinner and go out karaoke or whatever.

21:19Oh, karaoke. If not. You guys going to do some drinking tonight, you think, at the zoo convention? There has been throughout the week. I actually have to run home tonight to pack and then fly out for vacation tomorrow morning. where are you going? Hawaii I'm excited you might see some interesting wildlife out there you never know Hawaiian monk seals, it's on my list nanas so when you go on a vacation you just make a list of the animals you hope you run into? yeah partially so if there's a zoo nearby we'll go to Honolulu Zoo absolutely when I go to New York I have a little list and it just says pigeon on it I always check it off.

22:03Never a wasted trip. All right, Joy. It's been a lot of fun talking to you. And best of luck. You take care. Thank you. Thanks, Joy. You as well. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Obsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Supervising producer Aaron Blaird Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm Engineering by Eduardo Perez Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

22:55This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.