Snack Attack III: Rise of the Meat Flute

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Today, in lieu of a fan episode, we're going to address something very special. A couple months ago, we did an episode with our talent coordinator, Maddie Ogden, about the snack basket that she leaves for guests when they come in. And you took some real issues. I did. Yeah. And I pointed out some flaws, which I think was important because I'm going to say this. Guests were not taking the baskets. They weren't even taking much of the food from the baskets. and I noticed that it was a lot of green chips made of kale.

0:44Yeah, super healthy stuff. Mushroom jerky was one of the contentious things in there. Yeah, we had rats here at Larchmont who were starving to death and they didn't touch those snacks. I opened the snacks and put them out for the rats and they left a note that said, fuck you. In beautiful calligraphy. In the second episode, I believe, where Maddie kind of gave you her new snacks for approval. Blay, maybe you can weigh in on this. The subject and idea and concept of something called a meat flute came up. Well, originally, so Conan, to your point, you had complained that there wasn't enough protein in the snack basket.

1:23You work out a lot and you wanted to get - Thank you for noticing. Wanted to get some protein. And then we thought, oh, but also we work at a whimsical, funny place. And then we said, well, it might be fun if we give the guests something, not only protein, but something they could take home and use like a meat flute. And so fans took this suggestion. They loved it. And they ran with this meat flute idea. Big hit with the fans. Good. One other thing to add is that we decided it would make more sense for us to have our own product than to be using other people's products. And you were adamant that you wanted to retain all of the profits.

1:57Yes. This sounds like me. If the idea, I remember when the idea of the meat flute came up, there was some concept that, oh, we'll team up with some company. And I was thinking, wait a minute, why can't we? I mean, we have a building here. I would guess it's not that hard to curate meats and sell them to FDA. Who's going to do like just the five of us are going to process me? I don't have to worry about it. I'm an idea guy. And then it's up to Adam to get one of you two to sort of slice and dry meats. That's you, girls. You would do that. Why? You would make your own meat. You look like a guy that would wear an apron.

2:36You make your own meat. I get to wear like a leather face apron. Oh, I wasn't thinking that, but yeah. I thought like as a hobby. Or maybe the apron itself would be made of meats and dried. But my point is that I think this would be a great idea. And it's a revenue stream. And I'm always being encouraged to explore new revenue streams. And I think Meat Flute, the Conan brand. Yeah, baby. Well, consider this. This episode today is kind of almost like exploring all options because we did have some fans mock up some meat flutes. And you can see these at Team Coco podcast on Instagram. Also, of course, if you watch the YouTube of this video.

3:16But there's a bag there. I love. I mean, that photo of me is fantastic. I look just like I'm the most deliriously happy person you've ever seen on any food product. And that's really saying something. Yeah. That guy's just electric with joy. But look at the little details in this. All proceeds go to him. Yeah. And then there's like an FDA badge down there with just a skull. It says not really cleared by the, and then the FDA is in big letters. Yeah, but is that meat or is it like chips? I can't tell from here. I know. I don't know what that is. I don't know. Don't worry about it. Are you supposed to be able to play the meat flute?

3:52Well, this is the other thing is it became obviously like a very phallic joke of Conan's meat flute. You know what? I was hoping it wouldn't go down that road. It already did. It already had. That's too bad. That just breaks my mind. You wanted to keep it clean. here's what you're talking about. Oh, that is so disgusting. That looks so bad. All proceeds go to him, Conan's meat flute, and it's just a flute made out of meat. It's so ugly. It is. What do you mean? It looks like a flute. Well, yeah, but it just, it looks like something from like Dark World of the Hobbits or something. I don't know.

4:21I think that looks perfectly fine. You guys are reading into it. It's nice. It's a flute. It looks like it would actually play some fine music. And we could try it out. but I would buy that. Come on, if you were in a truck stop, you wouldn't buy that? No, I would not buy that at all. We also got some shirts that have been made. Okay. This shirt is made by Carrie London, who's a huge fan, and she has a t-shirt company called Hoosties. Let's see these. This is nice. Conan's Meat Flute. All proceeds go to benefit Conan and Conan-related shenanigans. I love this, and look at, this is a great depiction of me or John F.

5:01Kennedy or Ted Kennedy or Robert Kennedy or George Kennedy, the actor from airport. This is a, or a Kennedy, the VJ. This is great art. This is my favorite color, a Heather Green. It really is. It's nice. It's a nice color on you. One of the photos was done by Tommy Toon on Reddit. The other one was Fossil Sandwich on Reddit. Okay. Maybe Tommy Toon, the choreographer too. Maybe. Yeah. So who knows? I'm not sure about the shirts. You're playing the meat flute here. Yeah. It doesn't look like you're playing it. What do you mean? It looks like you're fellating it. Why do you do that? Look at your face.

5:39Yeah. That's the face of someone who's being fellated. Blowing me. People who are fellating, I don't think. Well, notice you can't see the bottom of the shirt, what's going on. Oh, God. Let me see. What? I don't understand. That doesn't look sexual to you. No, I see nothing sexual there. Okay, why are your eyes bulging out of your head like that? if I was being fellated, my eyes would be popping out of my head. If I'm fellating someone, and I say this from experience, my eyes aren't popping out of my head. I'm like, let's get this done. No one makes this face when they're - Before that police officer comes back.

6:17Do you know what I mean? No one makes this face when they're making music. God, you can't get any peace at this YMCA? No, no one makes this face. Can't a fella get a break? I'm working here. Yeah, I don't get a sexual thing there. I don't at all. That's a sexual thing for sure. I don't. There's a sexual underline. This is a real litmus test. Yeah, you can look at a filing cabinet and go, oh, I see what that is. That's a dick and that's a vag. Well, files go into it. So yeah, there is something sexual about filing cabinets. Out of control. Abacus. Abacus. Sexual. The abacus? Little balls you're sliding?

6:51Little balls. Yeah, you're playing with these little balls. Yeah. You're adding up all these balls. You're adding up and then you're like, you know? Colarch. Well, now that you've seen the external pitches, we actually amazingly had John Rao, the prop master. John Rao, shout out to John Rao. Yes. Been with me for hundreds of years and a legend. I love, love, love John Rao. Internally, we've begun some work on some Conan meat flutes and we're going to bring those in right now. Terrific. And these are real. Oh, God. Jason's bringing them in right now, also a legend. Oh, wow, look at these. Oh, God.

7:28I don't need this. Oh, and smell them. I don't need this. That smells like good quality beef. I don't need this at all. Doesn't that smell good? Does this feel sexual to you, Sona? I don't know. I don't get anything sexual. Okay. Seven long, meaty poles. The seven schlongs of Hercules. All right. Let's try and clean this up. I will say one thing. It's a little triggering for me. Okay? Why? My penis has five holes in it. I worked at a swing line stapler factory. Let me finish. And it was no pants day. This is, the year was 1988. I was in between jobs. And I remember joking around and saying, look everybody, it's a stapler piranha attack.

8:13Wait, so when you pee, it's like one of those portable sprinklers, you lie on the line. I'm often asked when I have had a lot of water before I use the urinal, would I mind going out to the lawn and rotating my body? Look at these. Are these edible? These are edible? They are edible, yes. Well, define edible. It's a prop that was just brought into the room by Jason Chalemi, and I've seen, I've been in every country in the world with Jason Chalemi, and I've seen him haul around some absurd props that he's had in his house. He took a bag of legs to Thailand, yes. But are these really edible? Well, here's what I, well, Chalemi said, You have to come in and testify.

8:53Wow, you eagerly came into this studio to make sure we knew it was deadable. They were dropped off on Sunday? I met John Rao at a bar. This is how most Sundays. He was sitting with a priest or rabbi and a kangaroo. I remember this. You guys met in a bar and did a meat flute handoff. Correct. Why couldn't I come? You had a meat flute meet cute. It was midday Sunday. I would leave my family to go meet you and John Rau in a bar. Especially if there's the old meat flute handle. Yeah, I'd be there for a meat flute exchange. He explained that they're all edible. Have they been preserved since then or have they just been sitting out since then?

9:34No, it's been preserved. It was in a Ziploc. It was in a fridge. So you just took... It's highly dappled to be music played from them. Well, I will say you might... I'm not going to eat one. I'm just going to go on. I'm going to say right now that I'm just thinking I have kids. I can't eat this. And if I die because I ingested a meat flute. Yeah, you don't want to. Think of that headline. Everyone's going to misunderstand. Right. You think just at first blush that someone just poked holes in these, but he did carve out a reed here. Yeah, no, there's some. And he also, he said, if you're inventive with your lips, you might be able to make noise.

10:05Okay, here we go. Well, I've said that before. Oh my God, you two are blowing into sticks of beef. You guys are blowing into sticks of meat right now. I'll give you$1 ,000 if you can play some Jethro Tull right now. Aqualung, here we go. Grown men blowing into sticks of meat.

10:33I can't get any sound out of this. There's no reed. None of them have any inside parts. Maybe we can make one. Oh my God. Oh, I think I just cheated a little bit. Here we go. What is happening? It does sound like he's playing a meat flute. What is happening? Try the big one with the... Yeah, try the big one. Try that one. Try the jumbo. I think these will work. You guys think... You would think this will work. A big piece of beef just flew out of the front. It's the fact that you think music will come out of these sticks of meat. What do you think is going to happen? You're still trying. You haven't even changed your meat stick.

11:24You're still trying on the same stick. I can't work here anymore. We're done. I gotta go. I gotta leave. This is awful.

11:44All our kids are going to be brutally teased right now. Oh, my God. Hey, Aqualung. All right. I have quick. This brought up a triggering memory for me. Don't try and eat it. You know what? It wasn't the taste. It was I didn't expect it to collapse and be so hollow, and it felt like rancid. Yeah, the insides are gone. The insides are gone. Listen. Did you carve out the insides, or were they already in? There was a special tool. What? Some welding device. Well, okay. Here's what we need to fix. No music comes out of these. Now, this is shocking to me. Oh. But we do need to address this because these meat flutes can't go out on the market until they are functioning as musical instruments.

12:28I'm glad you've said that because we've now been able to level up where some meat professionals heard about this and sent a professional-grade meat flute right now. Meat professionals? Meat professionals. We made them take a break from being actual professionals to do this for us. This is stupid. I can't be here. Look at this thing. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is a... Okay, so this one, it's only edible below the rope. Those words have never been uttered in human history. We have an issue. No, no, no, no. The smell. No, it's got to go across. Yeah, across the top. You're on your own, buddy. You brought this up.

13:07You got to do it. Am I doing it wrong? I think the bottom lip is supposed to touch and you're supposed to, like a... There she is. Almost.

13:26I can't believe you hosted the Oscars. Wait a minute. You know what? When we were playing Aqualung, when I was trying to play Aqualung, I had a sense memory of, with the guitar singing Aqualong at the Emmys on stage while the cameras are rolling and looking out and the first, the only face I could see was Oprah Winfrey in the front row staring back at me and knowing this woman will never be my friend. And here it is 25 years later. I don't think we've ever spoken. Let's bring her in. I know I'm not getting a sound. Well, I'll tell you this. It's beef. it's meat it just smells like meat only edible below the roof I can't believe we thought this was something that could work I think it's doable let me try it yeah give it to Matt you do it Matt yeah Matt I can't one of the things is that to really get your mouth up there you gotta inhale pure old beef is there like a reed in these I guess there is I think it's a crop you gotta go a little crop like a bottle

14:34this is just embarrassing I feel and you know what I've never been this embarrassed on the... Oh, wait a minute. Kind of? Something? Yeah, this will make people buy the meat food. I just feel like I have no integrity. I feel the lowest I've ever felt. What do you mean you feel that way? That's what's happening. I know. You're blowing into a hand flute made of beef. Hey.

15:03When you laughed, it worked. Yeah. I think you have to be laughing at your own - You have to have joy in your heart. You have to have joy in your heart and you have to be laughing at your own absurdity. Yeah. Good. Yeah. I'm like Zamfier, but in hell. Do you - Oh, I'm good. I just want to make - Put it on the record. I have not blown into a single stick of meat. I just want to make sure everyone knows this about meat. Sona. I have not. Methinks thou doth protest too much. Meat. Okay, well - In your face. Okay, here's the thing. This is a work in progress because this does not work as a musical instrument.

15:41And I'm pretty sure it doesn't work as beef.

15:47It doesn't work as a way to live. I can tell you that much. No, this needs a lot of work, but I am encouraged. I'm like John F. Kennedy talking about the space program in 1961. Yeah, it's the same. I think we're not doing this because it's easy, but because it's hard. We're going to do this and the other things. I believe we proceed. I think we're on to something. And I say that knowing that we aren't. Who are the meat professionals that made this? They're from a well-known meat company. Yeah, but this is the problem. Okay, they're from a well-known meat company. But they don't know shit about a musical instrument.

16:23That's right. Yes, that's true. Can we mention who sent it? I think we're not supposed to. They clearly don't want us to mention them. They made this but don't want to have anything to do with this. That's hilarious. I respect them. for staying well clear of us. Maybe, you know, Conan, to your point, maybe we should be pursuing companies that make instruments. Yes, yes. I think you've gone about this the wrong way and I'm criticizing everyone involved. That's right. You don't start with the meat. It's got to be, if you made a, let's put it this way. Let's say I promised everybody a car made of meat.

16:58The first thing I would do is work on the car part and then coat it with meat. Right. I wouldn't make the meat first and then think, hmm, how do I forge this meeting? You have to eat it. You have to eat it. But not the whole thing. This is a pan flute that's encased. Do you remember there used to be candy flutes? Yeah. Tootsweet. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, yeah. In theory, this can be done. This can and will be done. This is something that, I mean, I will stay alive to be 150 years old to make this happen. I'm arbitrarily making this the dream of my life and the only purpose of my life. But can you guarantee you'll die when it's made?

17:38It will probably be the last thing I do. Let's get this going. Me blowing into a huge tube of meat will probably be the last thing I ever do. Okay. But I'll die with a big smile on my legs. Well, to be continued. Yeah, to be continued. Really? Stay tuned. We are also taking investors. If people heard this and said, I want a part of this before it takes off without me, we are going to make this, right, Adam? we're going to make it available for people to invest. I don't know. And I'm looking for any angel investors, anyone who wants to put upward of$800 million or a billion dollars into it. Maybe we just take the L and move on.

18:13No. What do you think? No. Okay. I'm going to take the B with beef, the M for meat, the F for flute, and I am going to take this and I'm going to run with it. Once I have my lips wrapped around an idea this good, I go. You know what I mean? just like this. Yeah. Yeah. No, he does. He is blowing it. He is. He just said himself. Yeah. I may have to advance, retreat, advance, retreat, but I will do that with the meat flute until I get some kind of reaction. And if that means going forward and then having to go back and going forward and going back and going forward and go back and maybe even increasing the speed with which I go back and forth in a more rapid motion.

18:53Yeah. And if I have to get in there and sort of tickle the investors, I'll do what it takes to make sure that this thing comes to fruition in an explosion of wealth for everybody involved. You know what I mean? I'll go to my knees for this. And that's a promise. I'll put my hair back with a scrunchie and I'll get to work until this is done. And if anyone reads into this, you're disgusting. You're fucking disgusting people. Oh my God. So peace out, meat flute. We're gonna have this happen. I'm proud to know you boss. You know what? I'm proud that you know me. Yeah.

19:39Thank you.

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