Steve Martin and Martin Short

23:32It's a little too early for a joke that lengthy, but I just like corroded zinc fire pits. Maybe zinc doesn't corrode. And the audience figured that out. You know what happened is the night that the chemist was in town and they were like, you know, actually, no, they just went, what's he talking about? Yeah. I was speaking about preparing. I, I didn't get a chance to tell you this, uh, Steve, because I guess you have caller ID. but Marty took the call. Yeah, I did. And when you guys co-hosted SNL, I watched that monologue. You mean recently? Yeah. Oh, that's the only time we've co-hosted. Yeah, exactly.

24:13Of all the times. Or was it 40 years ago? It was last season and you guys did this monologue and it was over and I've worked there. I've seen thousands of SNL monologues over the years. I cut my teeth on that show as a young kid watching TV and I said, that is the best Saturday Night Live monologue I've ever seen. It was perfect. So you didn't like my other monologues I did? No. Those were terrible. Yeah. Well, whenever you would come out to do a monologue on SNL, everyone knew that was the time to go get a drink. Yeah. Well, here's what. Use the bathroom. No. But it was perfect. It was absolute perfection.

24:51Okay. Sorry. May I raise my hand? Yes. So that monologue, we worked on it with the writers. We got some things. but we decided we're going to do a bit from our show. So that we'll know, we can trust it. So afterwards it went well and the ratings were sky high. It was the highest rated show of the year, as far as I know. And I said to Marty, Marty, you know, the monologue went great and the ratings were high. So there's a chance we'll be asked back to host at some other time. And I said, and before you say yes, just remember, we worked on that monologue for three years.

25:40you guys had this i know it's part of your show but god it's a good idea the i care about steve and i care about marty and it's so much so that i've prepared the eulogy already you know that I'm going to give for you. And you each have them on you. And you, damn it, it's funny. It's one of the funniest things. It's such a great, and the minute I hear that, the minute I heard the idea, I was saying, oh, oh, this is a kill zone. Well, the funniest line to me is Steve's opening line when it goes down the stage. No, no, no, no, there's time for me to talk. Remember, narcissism is just within your thing.

26:15No, but I wanted to explain. I have a pre-story to that, and then you can say that. Well, first of all, I was going to do your line, so you might as well keep talking. No, no, you do the line. I'm just saying that I had this idea that we would do this eulogy, but I couldn't get, I said, I just don't know how it starts. I don't know. There'll be some jokes or something. And then actually a writer sent in and this line. So you be me speaking. So the lights come down and it says, remembering Marty and Steve's opening line is, gee, not much of a turnout.

26:51But it enabled the whole piece because we could get into it with the first laugh. Right, right, right. I love it. Occasionally, you get someone who thinks, why are they being mean to each other? And that always drives me crazy. The funniest thing to me is when we're doing our thing and he'll say something, I'll say something, and you'll hear somebody in the audience go, whoa.

27:18I remember one time being on Conan's show, and I insulted him a great deal. And then the next I was on, I went to YouTube to see what jokes I'd done, and I read the comments below, and people would say, you know, he shouldn't talk to Conan that way. If Conan wanted to, he could take him apart.

27:39We did a piece. That's a fun person to have dinner with. I know. Why are you making jokes? we had a when i was first doing the late night show we did a piece where you know the most beloved one of the most beloved people at the time was mary lou retton the gymnast and she's you know small and cute and she won all these gold medals and everyone loves her and we did a pre-tape bit where i think andy says i'm saying i think i'm getting the hang of this late night the hosting thing and goes andy goes like you know you could yeah but the other night i thought you you were a little off and i said i don't know what you're talking about he cut to a pre-tape of me just losing it on Mary Lou Retton.

28:16And I'm screaming at her fully committed. And we showed that audience laughs. I think the next day or the day after that, I go on Stern, Howard Stern, he takes calls and someone calls in. I saw the other night. And you, your behavior towards Mary Lou Retton was atrocious. I don't think you're funny. That was awful the way you spoke to it. I can't believe you didn't recognize my voice. It reminds me of a story. I don't know if these are like older elderly jokes, stories, but Mike Nichols was married to, is, was married to Diane Sawyer. And he was a hilariously funny guy. And he would say things like, that invite him to a party.

29:07He said, well, I'll have to run by the ball and chain. So he would call Diana's ball and chain as a joke. So then, and I think it was Vogue, they said, evidently, Mike Nichols refers to his wife as the ball and chain. It's a negative thing. So he wrote them a letter, which I think they published, but said, I realize that humor to your editors is like a cross to a vampire.

29:40Mike once said Mike once said to me when we were at this party and he said where are you staying is it New York and I said the Essex house he said no but really

29:54I feel like I was lucky in the people that I got to meet but then I'll look at you two and I think you got to meet so many more people you know you're younger Yes, I know. You're going to meet everybody. I mean, I remember sitting when I was 21 years old, and I was hired to write for the Smothers Brothers, and I was very naive. And now we're all at dinner, and Tom and Dick are telling stories about people. And I'm sitting there going, I have no stories. I can't believe I don't have a story. Right. And I was 21. So you've got to be this age, 180, to have a story. You met General Grant. Yeah. Oh, my God.

30:32What a fun guy he was. but I do think there was that whole... You said Mary Lincoln could be pushy. Tell me.

30:41But no, even, you know, just in the... I mean, there's that clip that I've seen a million times. I think it's you on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Marty, and I think it was Betty Davis sitting next to you. Yeah, she had already killed with her three episodes, three segments. Yeah, three segments. She'd done the plate bit. Yeah, everything. Yeah, she did some results. You're making that up. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that thing. But you mean it. She did kill. She was great. Oh, yeah, yeah. She was great, yeah. But I just think, oh, Johnny Carson is the host of The Tonight Show, and sitting next to you is Betty Davis.

31:18That's an era of show business. And I'd never met Johnny Carson. So it was particularly, because I loved Johnny Carson. Yeah, yeah. As we all did. Yeah. So much. so that I didn't even do his show for 10 years or eight years or something when I could have because I thought, oh, I'm too hip. I just do Letterman. But the reality, I was scared to. Yeah. Well, and people don't even understand the era then because it's all changed so much. But both of you had this experience where you'd go on Johnny Carson's Tonight Show and you'd do your set. And the next day, everybody had seen it. Yeah, right. And you could walk through a hotel lobby.

31:56and Steve would just drive from town from hotel to hotel just to walk through the lobby wearing a shirt that said did you see me on Carson? And but people, people, I have so many stories that I've heard from comedians where they were not famous. They did well on Carson. And the next day, everybody in the United States is saying great job. Whereas today, it's just a completely different lens. Actually, my observation of that is a little different, but it's too long and boring. But I'll tell you one. No, I'd love to hear that. Okay, well, Well, that's what I believed. You went on Carson, and then the next day you were famous.

32:30Right. But I found with myself, you went on Carson, next day, nothing. Then you go on Carson again, and the next day somebody looks at you like, did I meet you at a party a long time? And then finally it slowly starts to break through. And finally on my fifth appearance, where I finally got it together, I did a good shot. And I went into a store on La Cienega Boulevard, And the woman said, were you that boy that was on the Tonight Show last night? And I said, yes, I am. And she said, ugh.

33:09Well, there's always that. There's always that. And I remember seeing a clip. Marty, I could tell you're just slightly different. You killed, but you were just, I could tell that you're not the Marty that's going on my show. And you're just going to kick the shit out of me. it's going to be so much fun you are you did a very funny thing about spit take but it was i could tell like his voice is a little different and you're being you're you're being well behaved with carson yeah yeah yeah i never got you i don't know no i mean there was a there's a difference between being excited to be on johnny carson and then to be slumming it you know well there's a Certain people, I've never overcome my awe.

33:52And Johnny Carson was one of them. That I always felt a little, you know, I hope I'm pleasing him. Yeah. But they knew they had card games. Yeah, we played cards together. We had dinners. That's a famous card game. People talk about that card game. It was really fun. Yeah. The lesson of that card game is everything changes. I mean, you're having... What do you mean? Well, you're having poker games with Neil Simon and Carl Reiner and Dan Milnick and, you know, Chevy. And then people die. you know everything changes i'm trying to bring up the party here hope no no but it's and we're all gonna die too yeah no yeah never all right well anyway great scene so shall we we're gonna roll we're gonna roll long credits let's hey what if we just prayed right now we just do a group prayer yeah i think that'd be very nice and hold hands yeah well i often think about that it's it's it's almost my the fact that i get to know you guys and talk to you guys at all is always feels like i'm linking to this very important i don't know what i would say is i think everybody has kind of a disdain for their own era of show business and and and reveres well what we observe and i i probably applies to you that younger comedians like you know snl guys that we kind of know, or you know them better than I, because you're a warm person.

35:20But we see that camaraderie among them that we assume the, you know, like Don Rickles had, you know, with Frank. But I see that. We have camaraderie with people of our generation, and we see the younger people helping each other, you know. Oh, absolutely. No, I mean, people like Fred Armisen and John Mulaney and Bill Hader are all close, close friends. And you know them. No, they also have caller ID. I was talking to Fred Armisen once. I mean, this was probably 10 years ago. And he's just hanging around SNL. And he said, the latest thing that we, this is probably old now, but the latest thing is when you text someone and then the misspellings come up and the different words, you just don't change them.

36:09And you just send it off like that. But you do that to other comedians. Fred is an interesting guy because I remember we were at a dinner once and might have been at my house. And Fred was there and didn't say he's hilariously funny guy. But that night he didn't say anything. He didn't say a word. And I remember him looking up and down the table and everybody's laughing and joking. And he was just observing it all. And he has that almost like, you know, I'd always heard Peter Sellers at a party was not a was very quiet and kind of just observing. and not... I think we were all there. Yes, you were there.

36:43It was a funny guy's dinner. It was a funny guy's dinner. You were there, Steve. I was? Yep. Sure were. I thought you said funny guys. You were a last minute addition. I was the control group. Pauly Shore fell out. I've been so happy for both of you because you've got this crazy smash hit, Only Murders in the Building, and I was initially very, very happy for both of you. and I love the show. And then I saw so much signage everywhere I drove in LA. And then I would even leave LA and I would go anywhere and I would see both of your faces and I would think, you know, that's it. No more. No more.

37:24I can't keep seeing their face. This is too much. This is too much success. I once did an intro for Tom Hanks. He was getting AFI award and the bit was something like this. I'd say, you know, when I first saw Tom in Splash or on the TV show. It was in Bosom Buddies. I said, hey, this guy's good. You know, I wish him luck. You know, and then I saw him in Splash. And I go, wow, he's got some real comedy chops. Good for him. That's great. And then I saw him in Philadelphia. And I said, geez, he's a really emotional actor. He's really, really good. And then I saw him in, what's the war movie? Saving Private Ryan.

38:01Saving Private Ryan. And I thought, motherfucker.

38:09Can you say that at an AFI? I guess you can. I did. Nice. Very nice. It's just, yeah, I was thrilled. Thrilled for both of you. We can see it on your face. Yeah, you can see it on your face. Yeah. If you ignore the tears. That actually have blood in them. And you both get to be so funny. We are so lucky to have a hit at this stage of Marty's life. No, we are. It's fantastic, you know. And the show's fun to do. The show's fun to do. We love Selena. We love everybody we work with. You know, you finally get to the point where a lot of people learn earlier. I'm not working with assholes anymore. It's over.

38:54Right. It's over. So everybody there is kind and having fun and upbeat and working for the same goal. And then you guys announced the cast for the third season, and I became enraged. I know. Because I was like, you have a royal flush, but you're adding some more aces to it. Meryl Streep. Yeah. I'll tell you a story about Meryl Streep. Yeah. Really tear a new one. Yeah. We were sitting around and we're going to start rehearsing a scene. And our head writer's there, John Hoffman. And Meryl says, you know, I just want to say how happy I am that we're all here together and working so hard together.

39:36And John said, yeah, I agree. And he said, John, that's her first line.

39:44And it happened more than once. There was a scene on stage where she's supposed to, she's an actress, she's going on stage, and she'd trip. And then the second take, she tripped again. There was a wire. And you realized, we thought she actually tripped. And we said, shouldn't someone move that wire? And she looked at us like, guys, I'm. And she'd also, she was supposed to do a song with an orchestra. and she'd start to sing and she goes I'm sorry I can't hear the rhythm and they said well what can we no that was her that was her line that's her line and every time we go when are they going to fix that rhythm thing she can't hear it I did a thing it was for Norm Macdonald here in New York and they had some gathering and I was I guess the emcee for lack of a better word but I gave the first talk but I went up on stage and went head over heels fall people thought it was a pratfall but it was real and i was you know made a joke of it and everybody thought well and then moved on and then uh did my thing and then i think the second person yeah the second person who went up with the third person they tripped and i went to you know and i said to a stagehand what's going on everyone keeps tripping he went oh yeah those stairs have been messed up for a long time they're not and he was like they're not even yeah so everybody trips anyway no they still haven't fixed those fucking stairs where is that uh it was i don't remember where it was oh thanks thanks well in that's so we could be tripping anywhere now we're gonna go trip somewhere we also have paul rudd i was gonna say yeah and i love that you you have this show that everybody agrees is fantastic andrea martin and you add you add paul rudd you know you don't You don't need Paul Rudd at this point.

41:24It's making it, it's too much. Yes, and Andrea Martin and Tina Fey. Yes. And Jesse Williams. You know who wasn't asked? Who? Oh, I know who wasn't asked. I know who wasn't asked because Conan has beady little eyes. They have no light in them. In the first season, Conan did. Oh, that's Jimmy Fallon. No, no. I mean, your name, your name came up. Oh, it came up. Yeah. Oh, good. You said, you can't light the eyes. No. just can't light the eyes he's got those charles groden eyes you can't light them they're like a doll's eyes yeah listen you're gonna figure out a way to work me into this thing sure yeah i think hey with the premises we're doing a podcast i don't know what you'll be playing but i know the title of the episode oh yes here we go the circus has come to my favorite thing is getting excited about the nice thing I'm sure you're about to say.

42:21Oh, good. What is it, Marty? It's the guy who has no memory of how Martin Short has treated him over 25 years. The absent-minded podcast. I love that, yeah. Oh, Marty's got something to say about me. Golly gee, let's have it, Marty. Or also you can recognize it later that it was an insult. Marty said the nicest thing about me. He says I was a total... Oh. Oh. No, that's right. You're about a podcast. I have, you know, the podcast. Please, that's not me talking. That's, you know, podcast magazine. Guest edited by Conan O 'Brien. Yeah, right. But, yeah, I'm sure there's a way to fix me in, you know, to get me into the mix, you know.

43:06Absolutely. Yes. You'd be honored. Incredible. You reminded me of a joke. I don't know why. We're doing a show next weekend, so these jokes are going through my mind. It was, Marty would talk about me playing the banjo, which he always insults, of course. And the joke was, and maybe you use it. He said, and Bluegrass Magazine has recently named Steve the official ambassador of the five-string banjo. It was between him and no one.

43:36Well, you have that great joke. It has deliverance. What is that? Oh, yeah. I hope I didn't just ruin it. It's such a great joke. What is it? Touring around with Steve is a lot like the movie Deliverance. It's all fun and games until the banjos come out.

43:52Yeah, you kindly had me to your apartment once. I remember the first time I ever met you. You do? No. Actually, I do. No, I do. All the life went out of you when you said, no, that was really fun. I saw you rise up and then fall down. No, you came to our apartment and met you. or was it no no you know what yeah we we had worked together on SNL yeah I was very shy and I remembered I don't want to get in Steve so I was writing things but not approaching you I was in the background but then uh I was chosen for you know Lauren said I think this fellow could host the late night show it'll be rough for a few years but he'll eventually get it I think he could do it so I'm named Letterman's Replacement and the first thing I do when I come out to LA is and Lauren says, and maybe this is a thing he does, but he said, let's take a walk through the flats of Beverly Hills.

44:45And people told me later on that Lauren likes to take a walk. And he's taking this walk and he's giving me advice. He's saying, always tip. You're known now. Always tip at least 15 % or you'll show up in the post. I thought he was going to tell me, like, here's the secret. But he was telling me things like that, which was fine. And then he said, let's see if Steve's in. And I didn't know, you know, Steve, you always assume Steve Croft. Steve Rossi. Yeah, exactly. So he knocks on a door and you answer and you have us into your place. And I was like, this is too much. I've just been put into this situation and I need to navigate this.

45:28And now we're dropping in on Steve Martin. And I'll never forget, you had just had all the paintings taken down. And I think I just said like, oh there are no paintings and you reacted immediately as if you had been robbed

45:44what oh my god and i thought oh shit that's funny that's a perfect reaction to where are your paintings yeah whenever whenever in studio i remembered once uh every now and then you'd be in the studio at 6a rehearsing and the lights would go out because of some situation in the building, Rockefeller Center, some situation. The lights would just go out. And Andy would always instantly scream, my pearls!

46:14Andy who? Andy Richter. Hilarious. Yeah, it was just, my pearls! And, uh... Oh, I gotta remember that. That's so funny. But I have to give him credit. No, you don't. No, you don't. No, just take it. Andy was fine. I know I'll blow it. My pearls... What was it? Pearls? My... But previews. Previews. I mean, Pearl. My pez. My pez. How did you guys decide we're going to start working together as a two-hander act? When did that come about? I'll tell you what. It's a boring story, so I'm going to give it to you. No, no, no. It was 2011. We were asked to interview each other. It was the closing of the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Chicago.

47:00It was May. And it was 2011. And we just interviewed each other. What did we have for breakfast? You had scrambled eggs. I had fresh toast. Ah, come on, man. I had syrup. No. And we interviewed each other, and that was it. And it went well, and we thought we'd do it again. And we just then. Well, the funny part is we were interviewing each other about comedy for a comedy festival. Right. So we could talk about comedy, kind of like we're doing here. But, you know, to comedy people, it's kind of interesting. So we thought, hey, let's do that again. So we got a corporate gig or something. For dentists.

47:33And so we're sitting and we're talking about comedy and we're thinking, this doesn't work. And then we started, and Marty had a show he did, a solo, and I had a show that I did with a band. And so we kind of combined them. But he had material and I had a bunch of songs with funny intros. And when we first started working together, he had everything and I kind of had nothing. because I didn't bring the band. I said, well, I got to bring the band. So that's when it started to gel into a show. And I can go on. Did you ever? No, no, no. Did you ever? Did you ever? First of all, that was great. Yeah.

48:09Anyway, as I was saying, I was saying that. No, I think you said it. Really? Yeah. You know, this is just reminding me. But I didn't think I got to the part. Oh, you didn't. I did. This reminds me of, I made the mistake once of, and you know it, it's like wearing the shorts, but I knew I made this terrible mistake of someone had mentioned food and what they eat. And I said, well, you know what I do now is I eat two meals a day. I have like a shake at 11 and I put a lot of spinach in it. And then I try to eat dinner early, like at five. And then as I'm finishing saying it, I see Marty just staring at me.

48:48The way a shark looks at a canned ham that fell into the ocean. and he looks at me and he said you know when other people discuss the details of their diet it's boring but not you and of course there were some writers standing around who were like yes well they love when the boss is attacked that was also just me realizing i why did i get into this why did I lather myself up with bacon grease and then climb into this piranha pool? Why did I do that? My wife is very wise about talking about what you eat. She said, you're allowed to talk about what you do eat, but you're not allowed to talk about what you don't eat.

49:34That's very good. I like that. Yeah. I like that a lot. I mean, if this podcast, if we go away with one thing, that's it. It's like with me beats. I don't eat beats.

49:55One thing I was curious about is when you come up with a great new insult for the other, do you ever try it out in the moment on stage? Or do you ever... We have, but it's rare. Do you try to surprise each other? Not really. But sometimes we've come up with things on stage. And then we'll go right to the prompter afterwards and say, oh, right, you know, we'll remember. What prompter? That if we had a prompter. Let's say if we had a prompter. Yeah. So you're saying if we had a prompter and we came up with a joke, we would go over and talk. I mean, now we just go to our own minds and lock it in.

50:29Well, we were talking earlier about people you've met. And I know, Steve, that you got to meet or kind of meet Elvis. I did. I've told the story a million times, so I don't know if it's worthwhile. Well, I just love it. Well, it was 1971, and I was opening for Ann Margaret at the Hilton in Las Vegas, which is no longer there for good reason. They tore it down the following day. The worst comedy room. Yeah. It was a ceiling that's like 80 feet high. Yeah. So the laughter rose above the audience's head about two feet and stopped. And stopped. But anyway, and Elvis was opening the next weekend, and he knew Anne-Margaret.

51:13So now it's after the show, and I know Elvis is going to come back and say hello to Anne-Margaret. And so I leave my dressing room door open, and I did my act. It's 1971, so the act is not fully formed. It's got a little weirdness to it. And so Elvis walked by, and he saw me, and he stopped, and he said, Son, you have an oblique sense of humor. and then he came in and now we're talking i'm talking with him and i know you don't know what to say and my manager was there who knew all about sun records so we can talk about that and then there was a pause in the conversation oh first of all but this is the part i loved elvis has a guy who comes up to him to him to get him out of conversation says elvis i'm sorry we have to go.

52:01And in this case, he comes up, sorry, we have to go. And Elvis said, it's okay. I've been blessed. So then we're talking, then we run out of conversation. Then he said, I want to see my guns. Jesus. And we said, sure. And he was a, he wasn't, he was a gun. He liked artful guns. Yes. Like an engraved thing. And he was very cautious. He, they were loaded. And so he took out a six shooter and he opened it up and dumped all the bullets in his hand. And before he handed me the gun to look at it and I was looking at it, I'm marveling at it. Then he took out another gun, did the same thing, dumped out the bullets, handed them to me.

52:43And then they pulled out from his sock, a Derringer, and then opened that up, dumped out the bullets, handed it to me. And then I'm holding three guns and he's holding 16 bullets. And I'm thinking, where is Elvis's guy? Yeah. To get me out of this. Do you remember what he was wearing? Yes, all white. It was Elvis Slim and he had the all white and he wore that big buckle that the Hilton had given him to him for biggest show ever in the history of the world. Right. But he was very sweet and very nice. Yeah. And that comes across when you look at the documentary. Well, that's a famous face though.

53:21Elvis Presley. Jesus. Well, also, the reason I wanted to, because I know that you met Frank Sinatra. Yes. And who's your absolute idol. But it was one of those situations where, because I remember you told me this once, you were at a bar. No, I was at George Slaughter's house. Oh, George Slaughter's house. Okay. It was after a Sinatra Shirley MacLaine concert at the Greek Theater. And we all went back to his house. And Diana Shore was there. She was a big fan of SCTV. Oh, great. She's going on about it. And I'm thrilled to meet Diana Shore. And she said, hey, do you want to meet Frank? I said, sure, sure.

53:55And I went up to him. Now, this next part, Paul Schaefer maintains, I've made up. Because he said he didn't speak like out of guys and dolls. And I said, well, he did, though. He said, I said, Mr. Snodder, Martin, he said, I know well of you and your models. I know well of you. I can believe that. Yeah, I know well of you. That's not guys and dolls. Now he didn't. Anyway, then he said, would you like a drink? And I said, sure. He said, what are you drinking? And I said, anything you're drinking, Frank? And so he turned to the bar and said, Jack Daniels. And I don't drink scotch, so the bartender said, straight up or on the rocks?

54:31And I was nervous. I thought he said, straight up or relaxed? And I said, I'll have it relaxed. And Frank said, he said, straight up or on the rocks? I'd known Frank 15 seconds, and I'd pissed him off. He starts, Julie, beat the crap out of this guy. Are you a moron? So I, good, good, Frank. No, it was, when you meet those people, it is surreal. But, you know, I used to have that with Mike Nichols, and I knew him for 20 years that I was still in awe, like you talk about Carson. You're in awe of being in their presence. I had, I mean, this is someone you both have met a billion times, but Lorne once asked me to go to a, he said, would you like to go to a Yankee game with me?

55:09And I said, yeah, I'd love to do that. And there was a playoff game on the Red Sox. And so we're, I get in the car, and he says, um we're picking up i think he said we're picking up a friend i didn't hear who he said we were picking up but he puts you know so i sat up front so there was room in the back for lauren and his friend i set up with the driver and we start driving up and then we start to slow down and there's someone leaning against the lamppost in like a very cinematic way and we slow down and it's jack nicholson wow and jack gets in the back seat and he goes and lauren goes he's like how you doing, Lauren?

55:45He says, and he says, and this is a corner. And he's just very nice. Just said, nice to see you. And I said, oh, so nice to see you, sir. You know, and then we drive, we see the game. And my experience was, if you want to be anonymous, walk with Jack Nicholson. Because I am, my life is, I'm six, four, I have this pastry on my head. I am immediately, like me or dislike me, everybody knows it's me. And I walked down the street and everybody knows it's me. And suddenly, nobody saw me because I'm walking three feet behind Jack Nicholson. Oh, absolutely. But then the real treat of the night, so we chatted a little bit about a few things and didn't talk much.

56:28He mostly spoke with Lorne and then he drops me off at the end of the night and I think, well, this has been great. And I get out of the car first because I'm just going to walk. We dropped Jack Nicholson off and he gets out of the car and I just said, it was a real honor to meet you, you know, Jack. And he said, my boy is crazy about you. And I said, he said, I'll never forget. He said, my boy, we're standing there and Lauren's still in the car and he goes, my boy is crazy about you. Every morning, it's Conan this and Conan that. It's driving me fucking crazy.

57:04I had no idea that even, I had any, But I just knew that I was an irritant in his life. And that made me very happy. Very happy indeed. I'm just going back a minute because I keep remembering this great joke. And I think it was Shecky Green's joke about Frank. And it might have been Don Rickles, but I think it was Shecky Green. He said, and Frank's in the audience. He said, Frank saved my life one night. You know this joke? No. He says, Frank saved my life one night. I was in an alley and I was getting beat up by some guys. And Frank said, that's enough.

57:51And then there's the famous Rickles joke, which I'm a story, which I'm sure is true, which is Rickles asking Frank. He's like, I'm meeting I'm dating this young girl. Could you this young woman? And it would really mean so much if you just came through the lobby and walked through the restaurant and said hello to me in front of her. That would really help me seal the deal. And so Frank Sinatra comes through and walks up to Rickles and his date and says, hey, Don, I just want to go. Frank, please, I'm eating. And Frank leaves the restaurant. And then about 30 seconds later, two guys come in and pick up Rickles, carry him out of the restaurant and dump him in the fountain.

58:33Is that last part true? It was a fountain. It was a fountain of acid. That's the part that's less funny. Frank had it constructed. They killed Don Rickleson. Yeah, they did. Yeah, he never lived past 1961. Guys, I'm going to let you go because you have... It's been made... Wouldn't you like to get some part of this interview that's usable? You're a young lad. You've listened to some of my... I'm going to say this is my favorite episode maybe ever this is a spectacular episode I'm just going back over why we're doing it it's because of your admiration for me and my work this is a very very famous podcast I understand that and so we should be honored to be part of it you couldn't say it with a straight face hey I see after this let's you and me go and cash our checks Let's do it.

59:27But we need a big bank. I mean, not every bank. I have ideas. Maybe we'll get some cash and some just a cashier's check. Yeah. And I have a servant with me. He could carry the bullion. You know, you guys have always kept in touch. That's what I like about you. You never got in the bubble. You're out there. Oh, I'm of the people. Always. Kept in touch with whom? What do you mean? You're just in touch with the people. Oh, right. You know what I mean? You're going to the bank. You'll probably have to stop and get a wheelbarrow. But you do it in a humble way. Would you say that with success, you changed?

1:00:10I'm pausing. You can't help but change. But I'd say I have changed for the better with success. That's what I think. You probably disagree. I was going to say, I can't wait to phone. Well, when did you meet, when did you, did you know Steve? I mean, you must have. I met him on Three Amigos, 85 July. Yeah. And then we became great friends. And then you make that decision of whether you're going to just have that two-month experience of making a movie and never see someone again or not. And I think we both chose to keep hanging. Were you guys, it's just interesting you bring up Three Amigos because you make that movie.

1:00:48It came out and it, you know, did what it did, but then it goes on. And I don't know when it happened, but within maybe 10 years of it coming out, there's this whole generation that seizes that movie and says, this is one of our favorite movies. And it has grown since then in a way that I think is well-deserved, but it's kind of fascinating to me. Were you aware of that happening? That's what happens with a lot of my movies, except for the 10-year part where they like it.

1:01:21Well, I've always found that you never know if a movie is a hit or success until 10 years goes by. Because some movies are big hits when they come out, and then you never hear of them again. Right. And then some movies tend to grow. I was surprised. In fact, we got a call from a magazine in London, and they said, it was a film magazine. They said, we want to put you, Marty, and Chevy on the cover. And we said, why? They said, well, it's the 25th anniversary of Three Amigos. I said, you care? And that's when I started noting that there was some kind of thing happening. Yeah, it's got this whole other life.

1:01:56And I can't tell you how many times I've seen, they'll ask various rock musicians, artists, athletes, just anyone, politicians, list favorite movies. And then Three Amigos keeps popping up in there, which is really great. Well, Steve wrote it. Well, with Lorne Michaels and Randy Newman. That's right. But you said you wrote the funniest parts. I will, yeah. Actually, Randy Newman wrote my favorite joke in the whole thing. And it's when El Guapo, it's his birthday, and all his men are celebrating. And he opens a package and he goes, it's a sweater.

1:02:35I love the canteen joke so much that you're both, you know, the three of you are running out of water. Oh, canteen. The canteen. And just there's barely enough. and then just luxuriating. A lip balm. Yeah, lip balm is so fantastic. My favorite joke is that we go into a saloon that's filled with bad guys, and we're all in our spangly outfits, and I go up to the bartender and say, excuse me, we're not Mexicans.

1:03:12We're from out of town. was it fun to make yeah it was yeah it was we were actually you know in arizona and on locations and building these beautiful sets you know it's just one of those uh because sometimes i've known and when you're having a blast making something i've sometimes get worried if you're having a really good time making something that this means it won't be good one of my favorite lines i just Somebody reminded me of it, too, at the end. The very end, I go up to Patrice Martinez, who's a beautiful actress who played Carmen. She passed away, unfortunately. And there's supposed to be like something between us.

1:03:52And I go up, and we're about to ride off. And I say to her, I'll be back one day. And she says, why?

1:04:06Well, guys, what's the plan for the rest of the day? I'm sure you've blocked out a whole. Chunk of time with me. Well, I've got to do my 5BX workout. Incredible. I was going to say, you look amazing. Thank you. And today it's ab day, so I'm going to work on the abs. And that's most of the day. Hard for me, when you say that, for me not to think of your role on Arrested Development, where you're the bullet. Shoot me. Shoot me. And my son adores that show. So the times that you've been around, as much as you've done, you never know what's going to get people. Yeah, yeah. And he's seen and really liked your other work, but you as the bullet.

1:04:48The bullet. Whatever. Isn't that true? I was a guy. I was so old. I was their uncle that my legs didn't work, and I had to be carried around by a big strong man. Yeah. And we kept adding jokes. And at one point, I said, to the nuts. And they put me down to Jason Bateman's testicles, and I went, bridge mix, bridge mix. And I went, they put me on a table.

1:05:14but it's just so nice that you do these different things you never know what's going to catch with who and then you know my son who now is 17 but at the time he was seeing it he was like 12 and he was like well this is the funniest thing i've ever seen and i'm like well he's he's at the you know he's coming over tonight and it's just it's lovely it's very nice gentlemen okay thank Thank you, Conan. I want to let you go. Thank you very much. Think about the cameo. Oh, yeah. Of course. I will play a small part. I have a tendency to shoot the lens. I look right into the lens. Wow, good. What would it be?

1:05:51A Shrek-like monster crushes townspeople and then is arrested for murder. Something like that. Okay. Why? Why do I goad you? Why do I ask for more? I like Conan's approach because most actors try not to look into the lens. Yes. I would have a small role where I'm literally carrying crab cakes in the background at the nice west side apartment. And I stop and I turn and look right into the lens and freeze. And that's what we're going to do. Oh, Steve's taking a call. No, no. Oh, no. I'm looking at my plans for the rest of the day because you asked. And then I realized I have none. Well, perfect.

1:06:27Okay. Thanks a lot. Thank you very much. Guys, you both mean the world to me. and this is like, I don't know. We will never top this episode. And I know that you're being self-effacing and saying we've killed time. It's an absolute joy. Absolute joy. Thank you, Conan. I bow to both of you. I love you, too. I bow to you. And obviously, we've both been influences, but which one a little bit more? Oh, me. You can't see everybody. He's looking at me. Thanks, Conan. Anyway, Steve, your car's here. Guys, go in peace. Thanks a lot. Oh, by the way, you forced this on us. Yeah. Hi, my name is Steve Martin.

1:07:08I feel blank about being, let's hear you do it spontaneously and replace Conan O 'Brien's name with mine. You know what, they do edit it. You could do another version and they could put it in. That was fantastic. I thought I did do a good version. You did great job. Oh, then there you go. No, I'm challenging him. You go, suddenly we have to learn lines. It's not learning a line. It could be a, you know. You have to write. You don't write. You could have a sincere emotion and say it in the moment. Oh. You know? I never thought of that. Yeah. I could say, my name is Conan O 'Brien, and I feel overwhelmed.

1:07:39Uh-huh. Overwhelmed with gratitude that Steve Martin and - Martin Short. Martin Short. Even know my name. Mm. And that's a sincere, you know, there I go. Okay. It doesn't have to be, you know. Okay. I didn't have a writer work on that. So you wanted us to compliment you. Yes. We didn't think of that. No. Okay, thanks a lot. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

1:08:21Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Sample. Engineering by Eduardo Perez Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis Gina Batista and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode And if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.