Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums Season 3 Episode 3

0:00This special episode of Summer S'mores is presented by Solo Stove. Solo Stove is uniquely designed to burn off smoke before it ever escapes the top of the fire pit. Trust us, once you've sat around at smokeless fire, you'll never want to go back. Go check them out at solostove.com. Use promo code Conan to get$10 off your new pit. Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chumps. A six-part series with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gorley. Let's get started. Welcome back to episode three of Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chums. We're going to refill our drinks. And then tonight, in this episode, we're eating pizza.

0:39Yes. Now, a lot of people think a podcast, it's sort of an audio experience. What would the excitement be of listening to people eat pizza? Let me tell you something. No one enjoys a freshly cooked homemade pie like I do. You're going to hear me have maximum orgasmic. Oh, come on. You ruined it. You were setting the whole tone of it. I don't want to eat gooey cheese pizza when you talk like that. What I mean by orgasmic is not in the crude way that you guys thought. What I'm talking about is you're going to hear me at my heightened sense of food glory. I'm going to be tasting this pizza because I love a good pizza.

1:24Actually, it's my favorite food. If you had asked me 20, 30 years ago, I'd say, when I check out of this life, if they said, you've got 10 minutes left, what do you want? I would say a really good margarita pizza and a glass of red wine. Good, because you're going tonight. Oh, well, guess what? I'm okay. I've had a good one. But I would say, so this is, I think, a good audio experience for people. You're going to hear me really chewing, swallowing, and you're going to hear my digestive juices. Ew! God. Well, listen, but it's a symphony. I've been told by friends and intimates that when I digest, put your old ear up to the belly.

2:07Ew. And it's like listening to Mozart. And that's what you're going to hear tonight. You're going to hear a man digesting food that he really, truly loves. And I think a podcast has never been used in a better way than tonight. What is the opposite of erotic? I feel like you just sterilized me. Well, first of all, you're welcome. You're a de-fluffer. I'm a de-fluffer. Yeah. You know what happens when someone takes way too much Viagra and it won't go away? Yeah. They rush me in. I'm flown in from around the world. And what I do is I describe to them the sounds of my digestive juices and immediately, immediately their problem is gone.

2:54They're no longer a towel rack. Everything is taken care of. A towel rack. No, suddenly,

3:03suddenly it's all taken care of. And that is the service that I provide. Flowing around. Anyway, but anyway, here we are and it is. They fly you? Oh, they fly me in. You could just call them. You know what? I hadn't thought of that. That's a really good point. you know what that's not on me that's not on them they always provide a Learjet and the carbon footprint is disgusting and you know what now that you bring it up I'm going to talk to them okay good because I mean I went to I mean the last one I did was in Abu Dhabi they flew me in some very wealthy person in Abu Dhabi had accidentally he thought they were jelly beans and it was Viagra anyway this guy could drill through solid slate and they were actually using him to try and find more oil that's a true story they said you know before Conan gets here we might as well use him he hit seven gushers yeah and six of them were oil anyway the point is six of them were oil it's a yeah listen the point is that I'm going to have a wonderful time tonight because I do love me a pizza.

4:22Well, let's talk about that. We were able to order our ideal pizzas. So, Conan, why don't you tell us what your toppings are? I'm going to take a cue from someone some of you may know named Jordan Schlansky. Jordan Schlansky, I've done many, many, many remotes with him. He's a famous irritant in my life. But on some things, he's correct. And he said one thing to me. Of the 10 ,000 things he said to me, there was one thing that stuck to me as true, which is the true test of a pizza is that it should be a margarita pizza. Very simple. No toppings. Because that's how you can really determine if it's got determine.

5:00Yeah. I'm fine. I just had some Novocaine injected into my face, but just before I had the rum. That's how you can determine if it's a really good pizza. So I'm a purist. I like just a margarita pizza. If it's got too much stuff on it, I get distracted. and my various intestinal juices are thrown off course. Gourley, how about you? I like mushrooms and just a dash of your intestinal juices. You realize a mushroom is a fungus that's found in the forest. What? Do you really like a mushroom on your pizza? I don't like mushroom on anything but pizza and pasta. But cheese is basically a fermented, curdled milk.

5:40I'm fine with that. I don't care. Don't talk to me. Don't diss my cheese. I mean, he's just taking your logic and applying it back to you and what you like. I can't even hear you, Son, on my headset. When you speak, it doesn't work. What? That's weird. I know. I don't understand. How are you responding to her? I know. How are you? You just responded to what I said. Well, I'm responding to your hand signals. Oh. But anyway. You just responded directly to my question. God damn it. This goddamn headset is so sexist. This goddamn sexist. It's the headset. It's these sexist headsets that we get. Sona, if you do, if you want to communicate, please.

6:18Please use some other form because this isn't coming through. Oh, okay. No, but in all honesty, in all honesty. In all honesty, what? What were you going to say? In all honesty, what was it? What bear confessional are you about to do? What happened? In all honesty, what, please? Lay it bare. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's just too much bullshit tonight. I don't know. I'm just saying that I like to be a purist about things. And so mushrooms. I wasn't finished. And I don't want to diss the mushroom community because I know there are a lot of people and my wife. Diss the mushroom community. Brave stance. You don't want to get canceled.

6:50Brave stance. Hey, listen. By the mushroom people. Listen. We live in a volatile time where the country is divided. Don't upset Mario and Luigi, man. The country is divided between mushroom and non-mushroom. There's mushrooms in the game, Sona. Oh, that makes sense. So I'm not a, I don't love a mushroom. I have to say, you know what a lot of it is? I love the flavor of mushroom. It's the texture. Yeah, I'm not a huge texture guy, but. It's a little slippery. But when you get the cheese in there, and I like, also I've, I got tomato chunks and basil. Oh, good. And so I think when you mix that in, you'll find you've got a happy.

7:29My brother Neil makes me crazy because he calls it basil. Why does he do that? Just to annoy me. Like the British name? No, exactly. And he says things like, are you going to have some basil with that? and I'll say, it's Basil, and he'll go, it's Basil. No. And he's wrong. How do you know he's wrong? He's wrong. He's wrong. Okay. Trust me. But he might be right. We might all be pronouncing Basil wrong. He might be right with Basil. So thanks, Neil. Why are you such a devil's advocate for Basil? I don't know. I just think that you're just shitting on your brother right now, and he's not even here to defend himself.

8:02Hey, listen. I like Neil. I'll go further. I love Neil, but it's Basil. I'll go further. I'm sexually attracted to Neil.

8:12Well, look. Cheers, Neil. You seem to have won the evening. He's listening right now on a curve-top radio. He's an antique radio collector. Anyway, yeah, I'm a little phobic about mushrooms, but I respect it. It's not my thing. Okay, yeah. Point taken. So you've got mushroom. What else? Little tomato chunks and basil. Excuse me, basil. Jesus Christ. And it's tomato chunks. Here we go. Yeah. And what do you got, Sona? I got pepperoni. I got olives. I got mushroom. And that's it. Boy, we are an adventurous group. I thought you were going to keep going. I know. I did, too. I thought I had more in me.

8:58I thought you were going to. Yeah. I got hummus. Why is it always hummus? You love hummus. Why do you always bring up hummus? Do you love hummus? Do you love hummus? I do, but who eats it on a pizza? What's wrong with you? Admit it for a second. No, you can't say, admit you like hummus. That says you could say to anybody. Every time you talk about food I like, you bring up hummus, and I don't know why you do that. Because you call it hummus, first of all, and you devour it. I don't call it hummus. You do. I call it hummus. Wait, what's that? It's hummus. Hummus. It's hummus. Hummus. Yeah, I just pronounce it less white than you do.

9:33Okay, man, it's getting intense around here. I just, you're the one who's like all up on the mushrooms. Thank you. And I've got mushrooms on mine. Yeah. I just feel like you're coming from a place that's very judgy. Yeah, mushroom kids unite. Yeah. I've got a little Judge Reinhold going. And I've got to take it easy. You've got to bring up Judge Reinhold. Why don't you? Because that's a reference that makes the kids go crazy. Kids are all like, oh, right, Beverly Hills Cop 1, 2, and 3. And they go nuts. Fast times. Oh, man, fast times. Don't get me started. Yeah, the one with Fred Savage where they swap bodies.

10:05Wait, what? What? The body swap movie with Fred Savage and Judge Reinhold. You know, how many body swap movies have there been? There have been at least 15. My wife and I considered a podcast run called Potty Swap, where we covered them all. And then what happened? One of you sobered up? Both of us immediately went, that's a horrible idea. Do you realize child services would come and take your daughter away from you? We're going to do Potty Swap. It's all about we on, we on, knock, knock, knock. Is your daughter here? Yeah, she's over there. We're going to do potty swap. Where's she going? Oh, God.

10:41Oh, well. Time to record. That's so right. Gross. It's gross.

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11:51Pepperoni, olive, mushroom. You've told us. Hummus. Oh, there is hummus? Oh, you said hummus. I knew it. Is there really hummus on there? There really is hummus on there. No, there isn't hummus. Oh, okay. Hey, Sona. Son, admit, you know the way they can inject cheese into the crust in some pizzas? Don't say it. No, I'm going to. Admit, just think for a second. If they could put a delicious hummus into the crust, would you like to try that? No, I would not. That sounds disgusting. It doesn't. It does. Hummus is great. Pizza crust is like pita bread. Exactly. Would you guys do it? Yes, because it's basically bread with pita.

12:29Okay. I'm sorry, bread with hummus. If we're going to eat it, can you guys put hummus in their crust? Can you ask them? Everyone's gone. Oh, yeah. Does someone here, I'm sorry, I'm just assuming someone here has a hypodermic needle filled with hummus? What are you talking about? Can someone on the fly inject hummus into the pizza crust? What? No. What kind of shit show is this? I thought you people were professionals. You owe me an apology. You know, I love you. I'm hugging a gorly. you owe me an apology i do i do and i've owed you an apology for many years and you're never getting it for real all right well you're not getting one from me let's talk about how these pizzas in here well first of all do we don't we need to mention uh how we're getting these pizzas well the solo stove pie the solo stove pie it's incredible there's like it looks like a very friendly robot over there yeah and it looks like something that can easily uh be moved around you You could throw it in the back of a car.

13:26You could take it anywhere you go, and it makes you a nice pizza. What would it sound like if it could talk? Hell, how are you? Oh, my God. Is that Conan O 'Brien? Take it easy. I'm just a pizza stove, but he's one of the best. He's a genius. Who are those two people with him who are unfamiliar to me? Those are the mushroom kids. I love them. They may not be comedy geniuses But they like mushrooms And I'm okay with that Would you introduce our guest, please? Yes Hi, guys Hey, how are you guys doing? Wow, this is exciting So we've got the raw pizzas here Come on in DG, GD DG, Chris DG and Chris have just walked in And you guys come to us through Solo Stove Is that correct?

14:16And you're both dressed in festive wear I wish you had dressed up a little more Maybe a tuxedo would be nice. You're in the presence of gods, if you will. What? Talk into that mic behind you. We'll step back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about that? Talk into that mic. DG, tell me, what are you holding there? So I believe this is your pizza. It looks like mine. It is a purest pizza. Yep. It is, we have Neapolitan dough, tomato sauce, fresh mozzarella, and basil. Hey! Yay! DG, thank you. Neil, Neil, Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. Neil, Neil, Neil. Shout out to my brother, Neil. Brookline, Massachusetts. Brookline.

14:58The oldest and the best. So let me ask you something. Are you someone who makes pizzas regularly? I do. Okay. And have you had much practice with this particular stove? Yes, a lot of practice. This is the only stove I use. Okay, terrific. Wow. All right. You seem like a great advocate for this. It's called this solo. It's just called the pie, right? It's called the pie, yeah. We launched it on Pie Day 314. Oh, because it's actually spelled P-I, right? Yeah, exactly. It's a play on words, obviously, right? But yeah, pi. This is the pi. That's because of pi, the equation. Well, what is it? Can you tell me what the equation is?

15:32All the digits? 3.147232165836. He knew I couldn't check and I didn't know.

15:43That's a great reference, too. Hey, if you want to... Okay, Judge Reinhold. I'm just telling you that we're all in the same boat and we're going down together. Hey, if you enjoyed 1982, hang out with these three guys. Listen, thank you so much. And tell me, is it easy to make with this particular oven? There's a learning curve when you're cooking with pizza, especially with an oven that gets to 900 degrees. Did you say 900 degrees? 900 degrees. So it gets up to, I've actually got it to 1 ,000. We're from Texas, so no wind, 110 degrees in the summer. We have an infrared thermometer. I've gotten it to about 1 ,050 degrees.

16:18Wow. Now, does that mean if it's at such a high temperature and you put the pizza in, do you have to immediately remove it? You've got to immediately turn it. So it's all about turning it. So you see there's no stone in here. So you've got to turn it. I will say 1 ,050 is not what you want to cook it at. We figure the best temperature is about 750. It'll get to 900, and you can put cast irons and cook things other than pizza. Reverse here, steaks, fajitas. But for pizza, 750 is kind of the sweet spot. DG, let me ask you quickly, and if it's okay, I'd like to call you DG. That's totally fine. Yeah.

16:48That's exactly how he introduced himself. That's what he wants to be called. And this is Chris. Yeah. DG, if you don't mind, and I'm going to call you DG despite your protestations that I not. DG, let's say the oven could get up to 3 ,000 degrees. Let's say we took the solo pie and we put it in a space capsule and we took it near the center of the sun. And we got it up to several thousand degrees. could the pizza cook well if you could remove it within like a nanosecond a nanosecond yes i would say we cook these in about 80 seconds at about 750 so if you do the math right 3000 your time's in it by five so divide it by 580 a nanosecond you can get there if you're by the sun can't you just hold it out and the sun can cook it stand that close to the sun because there's nowhere to stand yeah listen where the where are you putting the oven where's the oven sona i introduced a very intelligent scientific conversation and then you ruined it with your blithering blathering in the sun kitchen thank you solar powered pizza i like it yes okay so let's cook it up uh dg now you're gonna put mine in and how do you how do you turn it do you bless it at all yeah here i'll I'll show you.

18:03We got the turn. Bless it? Did you say bless? I've blessed it already. Bless the pizza or bless the oven? Please. Are we going to watch or are we going to talk? Okay, here we go. We're going to launch this. So first we do a shimmy and shake. Shimmy and shake. Hey, you're talking about my winning night. What? That doesn't make any sense. It moves on the peel. Because if not, that's the hardest thing. It sticks. So you want to make sure it moves. Now, have you put flour down on that? Is that what you did? We use semolina flour. Of course. Of course. Well, I thought that went without saying. Yeah, semolina flour.

18:28I would have done the same thing. It's for the listeners. So, okay, you've put it in, and now... The clock is ticking. Now, do you go by your watch, or do you go by visual? Don't distract him. Oh, sorry. It's actually by the back of the crust. So you wait for it to kind of raise up in the back, because that's the hottest part of the oven. It starts, it's called leopard-y. You get the crust of leopard, and as you see that, that's when you start turning it. Okay. Yeah, so we'll heat up this right here. It's okay if you mess that one up. That's Conan's. Yeah. It's good we start with his. I don't like mine being first.

18:59Yeah, I do. You know the first pancake is always kind of a disaster? Yeah. And DG put mine in first. Yeah. But yours is the most basic. That's like a beginner pizza for babies. Oh, please. Yours is basically mine. Just you put a bunch of fungus on top of it. Basically a dead tree fell on yours. It's cultured. Okay. Uh-oh. I see. Just turning up the heat so you can. Are you seeing DG? Yes. If I can call you DG, and I hope that's not overly familiar, although it is the term you asked us to use. DG is are you seeing leoparding? and why is it called leoparding? because of the spots? it's the crust so you get those dark spots that's what I mean the spots on the crust sorry yeah spots on the crust DG I think we both meant the same thing you tried to make me look like oh there she is that is beautiful now okay don't be afraid to be in there a little longer for me you like it crispy a little extra crispy no I don't I just want to make you unhappy No, I think it's good.

19:56I think what you're doing is good. DG. You do you. DG, what's DG short for? So last name is DGiovanni. Oh. Listen, of course. Of course, right? But listen, you should have said that. You're making pizza. You should have said, my name, DGiovanni. I've got to do it this way. What's your first name? His name is Peter. Mortimer. I am Mortimer D 'Atonavini. He butchered it. Oh, quiet. He butchered it so bad. This is looking amazing. Is it looking good? It's looking really good. And you know what? I can smell it from here too. It smells amazing. Oh. Oh. Look at that. Yeah. There we go. Wow. And then Chris is ready with the assist.

20:40There we go. Look at that. That's going to have to cool for about six hours. You basically just put that into a nuclear fusion reactor. What did you just do? What the fuck? What was that? What was that? Just putting another log on the fire. You've got to explain that. People are listening. They're not watching. So for all they know, you just fell off the balcony. Well, no, I just put a log on the fire. Okay. All right. Well, we've got to explain what you're doing. It's all right. The people know. I don't think they do. Don't forget about the fire. Thank you very much, DG. That looks fantastic.

21:11And I look forward to sampling it. I think we should move on to these idiots' pizzas.

21:17Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing at that? We are idiots. Yum, yum, yum. Here we go. I can't wait. Juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice, juice. I love it when the fungus cooks. Whose is that? That looks like yours because it's got basil on it. Oh, yeah, and basil. Did you guys, were you able to find a hummus hypodermic needle? We do. We have one coming out. Okay. You know what? It sounded pretty good. It did not sound good, DG. Most good chefs always have a hypodermic with hummus in it. Occasionally there's a mishap where someone's having a heart attack and they're like, quick, grab the hypodermic.

21:56And they inject hummus directly into the heart. And that saves the heart from the attack? No, it's a mistake. It's a terrible mistake. They die instantly. But then everyone has a wonderful time eating the... Forget it. No, please stop. Please stop. No, you stop. You stop. Hey, good comeback. Thank you. Thank you. Come back in the year Yeah Come back in your face Okay What's happening Come back in your face Come back on your face Bro Okay I know it's there We're there Yeah Oh boy We're back to gas We entered Into a deadly territory here Now Matt You seem fine And as you can tell I'm fine I am Well I'm just in general Like baseline You're not fine No no no I know baseline I'm not fine But my chemistry Has not been altered Sona you are Three sheets to the wind I'm not three Hold on.

22:48I'm just like, I'm drinking a little quicker than I usually normally do just because it's a great drink and you can't taint it. No, it's a great drink and you can't taint it. Great to come back to your face. That is an advertising slogan every liquor company wants now. Every spirits company. Ryan Reynolds is calling right now to say, Hey, can I use that for my gin? It's a great drink and you can't taint it. You can't taint it. My flavor's so good you can taint it. Your taint can taint it. Okay, Sona. Sona, please. There's a danger at some point that you'll become unprofessional. Okay. Drunk Sona is funk Sona.

23:34It's good. All right, no, I'm fine. I'm in a good place. She's in a really good place. Now, who's looking after the kids tonight? They're here. I don't know. No. Before the show, when you and I were down the street, you had a lovely conversation. I think your husband's there. Yeah. And I believe your father's there as well. No, my in-laws are watching the babies. And Tack is at his karate practice. Has he ever used karate in real life? Has he ever been attacked by a bunch of ninjas in the street or anything? Okay, you don't. I'm asking a real question. I'm asking a real question. Can I weigh in on this?

24:07I rode in with Sona today. and I was riding in the passenger seat and in the like dashboard, there was a solid block of mahogany wood and I went, what's this for? And she said, sometimes when Tack drives, he just puts that on his lap and punches it. Yeah. Oh my God, that's impressive. I'm wondering, like, have you ever seen it in action? I mean, I've seen him do karate when I've gone to like exhibitions and stuff. But if you're talking about, are we walking down a dark alley and someone jumps out and is like, give me all your money. And then he's like, karate. Chop, chop, chop. He doesn't say chop chop chop Why not That's not You don't You're supposed to Karate is not saying Chop chop chop Yes it is You're supposed to say Chop chop chop chop My point is There's a part of me That's a little curious Yeah I'm I kind of want to attack Your husband Just to see What would happen He would brutally beat you Do you really think so But I also don't think You need any karate training To brutally beat you What if we went And did a home invasion Tonight At their house Yeah So when he was He went You know what's really great?