Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums Season 4 Episode 6

0:00Solo Stove and Whistlepig Whiskey have joined forces to introduce Camp Stock, a limited edition wheat whiskey. This aged in barrels toasted by Solo Stove, the world's favorite fire pit. On the rocks, neat, or in a s'mores old-fashioned, camp stock wheat whiskey. With its notes of graham cracker, baking spices, and vanilla is the perfect fireside drink for summer nights. Cheers to whiskey flavored by the flame and savored by the flame. Please remember to pig out responsibly. This episode of Cone of the Brian Needs a Friend is sponsored by L.L. Bean. Summer's all about getting outside for quality outdoor clothing, gear, and accessories.

0:36Turn to L.L. Bean, the expert for over a century. They got camp chairs, campsite organizers, blankets, coolers. Plus, get the stylish yet durable clothes you need for all types of weather, including their famous bean boots. For the best outdoor products, tips, and inspiration, visit llbean.com slash Conan. Outside together since 1912. Summer S'mores with Conan and the Chill Chumps. A six-part series with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsassian, and Matt Gorley. Let's get started. Okay, we're back in studio for the final... I like to think of this as the wrap-up. Yeah. A debrief. Yeah. This is, you know, after the event, the commentators stand around and they try and bring a sense of perspective to what is happening.

1:22They go through the plays. Right. Is that what you're talking? Like sports commentators? Sports or else like a political event. You need people to be able to digest it. A military operation. Okay. Yeah, this is what happened. This is how many casualties we took. There were three. Where did it go wrong? First of all, I commend you, Sona, on having us over to your home. Lovely house. Thank you. And it was nice to see in the window your little boys. Yeah. My godchildren. Yes. Waving at us out the window to their Uncle Coco. They really love seeing you. Yeah, and then they saw Matt and recoiled, which I thought was weird.

2:03Yeah. And they said El Diablo, which is weird. That's Spanish. They're not Spanish. I don't know why. I had my goat with me. Yeah. You know. So anyway, but your house is beautiful. Thank you. I think you've done a really nice job. It was nice to see Tack. Yeah. And your parents were there. They were there. They're watching, you know, helping watch the boys and stuff. Yeah. You only made a few Altadena jokes. uh we maybe you know we should encourage the fans to count them yeah and if there's over a thousand which i think there are yeah then uh you win uh centra um we're giving a gift a car it's not a we own you you have to go steal it we'll point it out to you uh but it was very nice to be there and uh i have to say very atmospheric yeah one of the things that stands out to me the most and i don't know how it's going to sound on the podcast if you're going to hear it through the mics but But those coyotes that were trapping an animal, that's one of the, I mean, I've heard that way off in the distance.

3:01I think this was happening in your kitchen. You can't hear it. I've edited it already. Does it sound crazy? And it sounds distant, but you can hear it. But the listeners should know that it was so much more intense in person. Even though we've done all we can to amplify it and make it sound as present as possible. It's nothing like the real thing. No, it was crazy to be there, borderline psychotic. Yeah. Because it sounded like they were maybe 35 feet away. Yeah. And madness. How often do you hear that? I would say several times a week. But I'm sure it's just not like some Altadena cult, just some human cult members.

3:39I'm sorry. You think that they're human? What's going on up there? Oh, I think coyotes are killing little critters. What critters are they killing? Do we know? There's so many random things around, you know, like there's, you know, little things. I don't know. Yeah. You're real good at identifying species. I'd love it if Sona I don't know animals I would love it if Sona had a nature show Wouldn't it be great if Sona had a nature show? I don't know what animals Ah, here we are in the outback And there's something I don't know what That's something It's got ears And there's something else Yeah It's a furry mover There's three things And two of them look to be the same thing And then there's another thing Nope, that's three different things Welcome to Sona's wonderful world of things Sometimes there's a little dog will go out Sometimes a little cat Sometimes there's field mice, I think They felt bigger Like they had to take it down Yeah, it felt like something big.

4:25A large bunny or a raccoon or something. It could have been a lot of bunnies, a lot of raccoons, a lot of shit. Andy Richter's been missing. Oh, my God. Oh, geez. Yeah, I told him to come visit us, and they found his car, but they didn't find Andy. Aw. And they found one of his boots. Aw. And they found a cruelly written note in Coyote that said Andy was delicious, which should clear it up. Well, you know. Tin Coyote, by the way, I said. In our conversation, you mentioned that next year you would host us at your house. I will. Do you still feel that? Yeah, I've got to get, I mean, as you know, I live in a very, you know, an enclave, if you will.

5:06I'll need to get clearance from some of the biggest names in the business. Okay. Hal Niederman, Chaz Palmieri. Do you mean Hal Niederman, Chaz Palmieri? No, no, these are different people. Okay, all right. Stu Beckman. No, I live... These are triple A listers, meaning they all work for triple A.

5:32No, but it's, you know, it's Riz Perlman, who's a real Perlman's accountant. And, you know, it's insane. And so I need to... I can't have... This sounds like you're backpedaling. Do you remember also in the first episode of this summer series, you said if anybody comes over, you go overboard with food. So we expect like a feast. Oh, yeah. I would take care of that. I would see to it that our sponsor provides an incredible amount of food. So it's just going to be all whiskey? It's going to be a whiskey and then if you can eat a solo show. You don't want to pay for it yourself? Bingo. Okay. Oh, man.

6:12No, no, no. I will check with, make sure that I'm not in violation, obviously. and I, again, I can't put too fine a point on this, but I live amongst the hoi polloi, the finest royalty, Hollywood royalty, or Holly weird. You just keep going. It's awful. But I would like to host next year and I think that's something to look forward to because, I mean, we'll have some real celebrity drop-ins. You think? Oh, no doubt. Rose Perlman? Yeah. Jizz Schmeckman might come on. I'll take a pass on him if it's all the same. Oh, he's, no, he's. Okay. Jizz Schmeckman? Jizz Schmeckman? Let me tell him. Maybe tell him we're busy.

6:55Jizz shows whether you want him to or not. Yeah, just put up a blacklight, you know. Oh, man. Yeah, but Querel Stye might come by. I mean, there's all kinds of. Querel Stye. It's going to be an incredible collection of Hollywood once was and Hollywood could be. Is Jizz a once was or a could be? depends on what time of day yeah exactly if Jizz has been hydrating you know what guys I don't like this kind of humor and can I tell you something else this guy is low hanging fruit Jones he will go after anything excuse me you began this whole series by saying we're digitally servicing people with DJ blowjobs yeah I said digital blowies yeah that was 35 episodes ago no one remembers that and also that is high hanging fruit how is that high hanging fruit because I took fan service and I made it sound sexual.

7:44So that is elegant comedy. You know what? I've worked with the worst and I've worked with the best. But I prefer you guys. It's elegant comedy. Italian food connoisseur hands. That makes it elegant? Look it up, man. So I say we do it at my house next year if I can clear it. Clear it. Well, also, you know, there's going to be a paparazzi element. They're all over me. It's very hard for me to go anywhere these days. There's never any paparazzi. All I do is call the paparazzi. I know. They always say no. They're pass. They're just not having it. They don't even say no. They're like, pass. Yeah, I wore the same thing that Bianca Sensori wears.

8:18You know? Who? She hangs out with... What's her name? Why do you know new people? I think he studies new people's names just thinking, I gotta stay relevant, but he doesn't know contextually. Bianca Sensori, she's the one that's always hanging out with... Jizz Jackman? Kanye? She hangs out with Kanye, and she's always wearing, like, nothing. Oh, it's his new wife. It's his wife. Yeah. Oh, are they married? Yeah, they're married. Oh. Why do you know that? I know everything. You don't. I do. No, you don't. I do. Okay. I do know about culture. Well. I do know about culture. I really do. I will do it next year at my house.

8:59Okay. And it'll be fun. We'll have a good time. But I was, I think we should reminisce a little more about what we just experienced before we time travel to next year. I am a little insulted that the drinks came out so late. That was planned. I know it was. And I feel personally attacked because you guys had a conversation and didn't include me in it. Have you ever been on a road trip and then there's one person who gets behind the wheel and it doesn't go well, you start picking mailboxes out of the grill?

9:30We learned then not to put you behind the wheel on the road trip. And for summer s'mores, it's fine for you to have your drinky poo, but it's got to come later or else it's just a total meltdown. I don't know if it's a meltdown. The last two years. I like it. And I will tell you, I wasn't involved in this conversation. I just received a dictate. Okay. Like this is the way it will be. Yeah. Yeah. Because I like it when you drink. Well, when I, when we were doing summer s'mores, I was like thinking in my head, where is the alcohol? And why isn't it out here? Otherwise, it's just three dicks talking in a yard.

10:04Who cares? Three dicks in a yard. That's a career. For some people, I think we did the right thing. I think we showed a little bit of restraint. And you can't hold your liquor. You know you can't. I cannot. And you... That was so defiant. You and I've been with you for years, and we would go to all kinds of events, and you would have one glass of wine, and suddenly you were hanging from a chandelier. Yeah. Dressed as a pirate. And we just couldn't, you know, I just couldn't take that chance. Okay, fine. I'm just saying that it's just... Then the magic's gone. Next year, we'll pregame. Okay, I'm down.

10:41Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can pregame next year. I will. And I liked it. There was some revelations, I think, Blay. Didn't he pull out like a medieval sword at one point? He not only bought a sword, he brought it. He bought the sword from the Renaissance Fair. He took the word bought and added an R and brought it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, something. And it was cool, right? It was pretty cool. Do you have a plan to grow up at some point? No, and I say that with great affection. You know I love you, Blade, but at some point, you know, what do you think? Maybe no more sword buying and it's time to...

11:20No. You make a good point. Yeah, that's a good point. I mean, look, I think swords are cool at any age. And I don't know. It's cool to buy a sword. What would you say? Just question. I don't want to derail stuff, but like, what would a grown up thing that you want to see me do be? That you be do be? What is a grown up thing? Make a sentence. Well, jazz scatting is a good start. What is like a grown up thing I can do to prove to you? I've said this to you. I'd like you to wear a suit. I've done it occasionally. I know you did it, but I mean, consistently. And everybody thought it was weird. I'd like you to eventually sire a large family, like nine kids.

12:05Well, I mean, now, does that include, like, a donate? Can I donate sperm? No. Okay. And you already have, I'm sure. It's all over the place. But listen, you don't have to go back to that. You brought it up. You did it. You literally made him up. You made him up. You got jizz into the conversation. I didn't say that that's what his name meant. This conversation was Jizzless, and then you brought up the Jizz. You didn't. Are you saying Jizz is a first name that's different from actual Jizz? I didn't, I was not thinking about that at all. I really wasn't. Is Jizz short for something? Yeah, Jizzamaya.

12:42It's in the Bible, look it up. It's in the Bible. Jizzamaya. Jizzamaya Steckman. So, no, and I want you to wear like a fedora, and I want you to sort of go home at the end of the night, and I just want you to be really uptight about work and then have a high ball to calm yourself down. Okay. Yeah, I want you to live in the suburbs. I'm going to work on that. No more t-shirts that say like who farted and stuff. Just like I want you to be a grown-up. He's wearing a black t-shirt. Yeah. I'll work on it. I'll work on it. You know what I'm saying? I want you to smoke heavily and not take care of yourself.

13:19All the stuff that is the 1950s trope. I'm going to get right on it. Should I be very distant with your son? Cold, never really hug it out? Oh my God. No problem. I'm on it. These are all the things I want for you. I don't want you at Renaissance fairs anymore. In his defense, grownups would hold swords in the Renaissance era. So he's just in the wrong time. No, but grownups died at 30 during that era. So you would have died a long time ago. I'm writing these things down and I'm going to get working on them. It is a cool sword. Thank you very much. I want you to, you know, drive like a Rambler, you know, like a Nash Rambler.

13:58I do drive a Jeep Wrangler with the license plate jock jams. Okay, I know, but that's not growing up. We're not helping. I want your vanity plate to say put upon. And I want you to just be bent over in your car. And I want you to be moving figures around all day on a big ledger. And then you go home and, you know, you're just you hate your home life and you hate your work life. That's what I want for you. That's called being an adult. Get a 401k for Christ's sake. Yeah, let's play more Willy Loman. Yeah, exactly. Hey, you said something that relates to a book. Nice. Let's talk to champagne. They said it wouldn't happen.

14:35Wow. The meteor just passed the sun. What a dick. What a dick. No, I mean something that exists and you have to have read and then you remembered it and you said it and it was apt. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. Confetti comes down. It's like the 10 ,000th customer. And when she did it, there was a look in her eyes like, you gonna go for this? Is it gonna work? Is this gonna take? Oh my God. That was great. You don't mean the DJ, Willie Loman. DJ Willie Loman. Oh no. He plays the encore in Vegas on Sundays. Oh no. DJ Willie Loman. Oh man, I knew it wasn't the right Willie Loman. Oh. Yeah. Anyway, Blay, work on that.

15:17But I don't want to put you down in any way. You know, you love - You don't want to put him down in any way. No, I just think you should - You just criticized his whole life. Every ounce of it. Every ounce of his life. That's not true. I like your sister. She's very nice. She's a great child. I don't want him to put you down in any way.

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16:17You know, I love those L.L. Bean chairs. Yeah, those were great. Have a nice seat anywhere. You feel like the king of your own realm. It was a whole L.L. Bean setup, too. We had the chairs, and then they sent me a sweater that was really nice and those bean boots. You know what? And you look nice in those things, too. I like it when you dress well. Oh, thanks. Thank you, L.L. Bean. That's a weird thing to say at all. L.L. Bean. It'll class sewn up anytime. For the best outdoor products, tips, and inspiration, Visit llbean.com slash Conan. Outside together since 1912. Enjoy all the versatility of a fire pit without the smoke.

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18:23Hey, what was it? There was one point where it got really crazy, where you and I were fighting. We were arguing about something, about comedy points. I don't know, but it was so stupid. But you and I couldn't let it go. And it reminded me of the early days when you were first working for me. and we're like, there's lots of stuff to do. I had a late night show to do and we would get into this total, these bullshit arguments and each one would say last word and the other would go like, nope, last word. And we couldn't let it go and it actually sometimes stalled the start of a late night show. It was a lot of like, okay, well, I won, I won, I won.

19:01And then it just became, it was so stupid and it took me back to when me and Danny used to fight. My brother and I used to fight. And we were like 12 and we would do that. I'm like your older brother, Danny, who I admire, by the way. I admire that fellow. Don't admire Danny. He's cool. I don't like that. I know why you admire him and I don't like it. He's cool. He's a cool guy. He was a jock. He is a cool guy. Yeah, he was good looking. Yeah, he was like the cool guy in school and stuff. Yeah, I was never that. So I look up to him. Okay. You know, I was the kid they tied. Hey, Danny, what's going on?

19:35I was the kid they taped with masking tape to the flagpole. upside down. Pantsless. Pantsless. Did it have anything to do with you oddly rubbing your elbow in some strangely sexual way? I'm slightly sunburned there. No, no. Just say, if I start rubbing my own body, that's my business. No, I went on a bike ride. And you know what? I put, this is apropos of absolutely nothing, but I'm pretty good at putting on sunscreen. And I think I put it on, I was talking to my wife and some friends that were visiting. And then I just forgot to do the upper part of this arm. and I got back from the, you know, and it's just like, that's like a Neapolitan ice cream.

20:12It is. I could take a bite and it's got the little, little freckles. You just want to bite it. Yum, yum, yum, yum. That reminds me, you were not feeling well during these summer s'mores. That's right. You were sick. You're feeling better now. I did. I had a, I was traveling for work and somewhere running around, not sleeping enough. And I got a chest cold and it was just in my chest and would not go. And now you'll admit it. You wouldn't admit it on the sessions. Yeah, you kept saying, I was sick and I'm getting better now. And you were just sick for a while. Yeah, but what I meant was, because my father drilled this into us, is I had already had it for about a week and a half.

20:50So I knew that I wasn't contagious. But you were sick. Yeah, I didn't feel good. I was coughing a lot. It didn't sound great. No. And you were sick for a while, like a long time. Well, you know, I don't like to brag, but yeah. It's a real accomplishment. How do you do it? Well, you know, just immune system kind of fails. You are so cool. Yeah. No, no, I just got tired and then I got sick. And, you know, that's how I used to come on to ladies back in the day. That's cool. I'd talk about how my immune system failed me. Yeah. And I got sick. And then I was sick for a while. Oh, really? Panty dropper.

21:30Yeah. What? What's that? I said you came and talked about your immune system. It was a panty dropper. That's the phrase? The girls dropped their panties. You mean a panty razor. Panty razor. Yeah, panty constructor. Yeah. Yeah, but I, so what? I had a little bit of a cough, a little bit of a hoarse voice, but I recovered and I'm in fine fettle now. Yeah, congrats. Thanks. Now, I know that what you would have done, which is anytime I used to come in and I wasn't feeling well, Sona would say garlic. Yeah. And I learned from you that's absolutely true. Eat whole garlic. I do that. and you can feel it.

22:05It's like lightning coming out of your pores. Are you doing a bit? No. You've actually tried it? Yeah. It is. It works. Yes. Everything we need is in the earth. Oh, boy. Altadena, here we come. No, that's not true. It is not in the earth. There's so much stuff we need that's not in the earth. But if you have a very simple cold, all I do is I do actually eat garlic and then I drink lots of tea with lemon and honey. And that's all I do. and she works every time. She? Yeah. Garlic? Mother Nature. Oh, Mother Nature. I see. But you're welcome. I mean, just you're welcome. Oh, yeah. Thank you for mentioning that garlic can be helpful.

22:47You're welcome. Something that wasn't known. Well, I'm glad. Listen, it brought us closer together or it drove us further apart. Yeah. I think the latter. Yeah. I don't think we learned much and I don't know. you know it's up to the fans the fans will tell us we learned a new story about you that you had to vamp as Uncle Sam as a young man for a summer camp and that is one of the times I can count on one hand when I've had sympathy for you yeah yeah I've had some tough times that sounded rough it sounded very rough yeah I was man I wish I wish the coyotes had set upon me as Uncle Sam and torn me apart that was a rough one yeah and it's a moment where sometimes you're out there and you're in the night and you start to, your guard comes down a little bit and you start to talk and you start to get to know each other a little better and you'd think after all this time, how could I get to know Sonoma, Sesc, and I'm at Gourley a little better and why would I want to?

23:42But then you're in that situation and you do. It's an onion. It's a perpetual onion. There's more and more layers. We went through a lot. There was the rending of an animal's body by other wild animals and it was traumatic. And so, yeah. You know what would have made it open up even more is alcohol. early on in the series. Well, maybe a little gummy for you next time. I will gummy it up. We talked about that, yeah. Maybe we should. If you'll gummy it up with me, will you gummy it up with me? I don't know if I would. That's not my thing. It's not my thing. I have to be... I have to think for the show.

24:16I have to be sober. Couldn't you schedule the next day off so you had a buffer, and then the three of us, we take a gummy, and just a little bit. Because I wouldn't go deep either, but we could do that and just see what happens. It'll be a giggle fest. Yeah. We'd have a real good time. Some laughs for the first time, huh? Yeah, think about... All manufactured from a drug. Okay, well, what could be the problem? We're just tired. I'm sorry, I'm a professional and I have to uphold certain standards and also I think there are a lot of young people that look up to me. I don't think this podcast has any standards.

24:47And it's not illegal. Yeah. And no young people look up to me. All right, we'll talk about it. I'm not saying definitely yes right now, but we'll talk about it. Okay. But listen, I want to say thank you. Thank you to Sona for having us over. Thank you, Matt, for, of course, always, you know, being the camp counselor and making sure that everything runs smoothly. And I'd like to thank myself for lending whatever it is I bring to the table, which some would say is really like 98%. Also, thank Jizz Steckman. You know, Steckman is a good man. He's a partner of the firm Steckman and Steckman. not related yeah that's true jizz and jizz jizz and jizzier jizz and jizzier that's incredible you guys you always aim for the stars reach for the stars and if you fall you're still you introduced him he's your friend I did not say that it was related to semen in any way oh people hear the word jizz and don't think about semen it's there are other ways I told you there's lots of jizz in what way have you ever heard jizz where it's not talking about semen it's the type of music that the aliens play in the cantina in Star Wars.