Sword Play

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1:13Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hello. Hi, Zach. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey, Matt. How you doing? I'm good. How are you? How you doing there, Zach? Zach Tarantelli is your name. I'm not asking, I'm telling. You're an animator from Ohio. Is that correct, sir? That's 100 % correct. And I can tell from looking at you that you are a ginger. Welcome to the club. Just in the beard, though. The hair is like blonde, like dirty blonde. Okay, that's very strange. That's probably a sign of insanity. But I think we just have to accept it for now.

2:00I know that my beard comes in redder than my hair. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's more aggressively like copper. No idea what that is. Yet, below the waist, blonde. Nobody asked. Blonde. It's like fiber optic. It's just like see-through. You know what I mean? And also it changes. You know, like a fish that's so deep down that you can kind of. And you know what? It changes colors like the sphere. A lot of rock bands want to perform down there. Anyway, let's move on. Zach, it says here, and I have notes on you. Oh, I've got an old dossier on you, Zach, that you are the head of animation for Zach D Films. Is that right?

2:43That's right. Different Zach. But yes. Okay. That's all right. It doesn't matter. Two Zachs conquering the world together. And you guys are very successful. It says you have 27 million followers and you've done, you're an animator of over 70 shorts. Is that correct? I personally animated 70 shorts for the channel before I moved into my current position. Yeah. That's so cool. That's, I mean, first of all, I'm a long fan of animation, raised on the very best of the Warner Brothers cartoons, the classics, worked on The Simpsons. And so I've always loved animation and admire what you people do. I really do.

3:21What do you love about it? Well, I love that it sort of brings the, first of all, you can do anything. Anything can happen. And so whether it's Ren and Stimpy or a classic Roadrunner Bugs Bunny and so many of the great animated shows today, anything can happen that's in your imagination. and it can really get perverse, which is my true joy. A hundred percent. And I know that you would love that because you're basically a cartoon yourself. You know what? Thank you for saying that because I do, I've often thought I'm a cartoon character. My motions are exaggerated. My hair is a ridiculous cupcake.

4:05I act like Woody Woodpecker. Yeah. And yeah. You look like olive oil. Pardon me? Nothing. What was that? Nothing. Okay. Dumbie. Yeah. Listen, I heard what you said, and I don't disagree. Popeye before the spinach. No, no, no. Even better. Yeah. A blend of Popeye before the spinach, yeah, and olive oil. Okay, so that's all to be admired, Zach, that you have these amazing skills. And I'm glad you think of me as a cartoon character. please turn me into one because there has yet to be a successful conan animated short and i think that's your territory zach you could do it i well it's so funny you bring this up and i feel like the producers are going to hate me because we just talked about this but i i did do a little animation for you and i was going to email it to somebody but i gotta tell you here's the thing i can send it to you what's the matter the problem is nothing's the matter it doesn't great he's a great animator and yeah he made a little short.

5:06What's the problem? The problem is that great animation takes time and I only had like two days to put it together. So I don't know if I want the world. I did it for Conan. Yeah, for Conan. Well, why can't we look at it? I'll send it. Well, I want to send it to you, but I don't know if I want the world to see it. You know what I mean? It's got my name on it. Is it intimate? Is it of a sexual nature? I mean, some could interpret it. by such. Okay. Okay. Well, no, it's, it's, it's fun. It's just, you know, we will not share it for, you know, we won't share it with the world. If you send it to me and then it accidentally gets online and it's attached as Zach D films and people rate your work based on that.

5:52That's just who can help that. That's something that we can help. You see my conundrum. I, I lead a team of talented artists. Sorry. Wow. A little self-obsessed. are we cutting this soon are we ending this oh no no no your career is over but my interview with you will continue

6:12oh look there's some couple of there's some weaponry on the wall behind you not only that but there's dedicated lighting for the weaponry yeah I know I had to be all extra about the that's okay we have someone in studio who also likes to buy medieval weapons online and then sort of charge them back to the show his name's Aaron Blair and he's currently being investigated by the Internal Revenue Service along with his mother. Thank you for the introduction. When I pre-reviewed, Zach, the first thing I asked was about the swords. And the last thing you asked. We talked about it for like half an hour.

6:48But I was asking about the swords and they're the same sword, right, Zach? It's the same. Yeah, so it is a replica of Aragorn's sword and Duru, which was reforged Narsil. Narsil. His and hers. So they are both. The story is I have an eight foot one behind the computer and it didn't have a sheath. So I bought a cheap knockoff for the sheath but the sheath is too small and they sent me two. You guys just want to have your own podcast. Are you bling? I've never seen Conan so angry. I just know. Hey, this is a problem we all confront. You buy an Aragon sword. It's too large. The sheath is gone. You need to find the sheath.

7:37You buy a knockoff. That sheath is too small. Then you've got two Aragon swords. Then you think I need a third one because it's gotta be his and hers. And then I get two tinier versions of the same Aragon sword. I wish nothing but ill upon you, sir. I hope a plague of locusts fly up your ass. You can wish whatever you want. I have three swords.

8:01Now, remarkably, you have a fiance. Believe it or not, I do. And her name, it says, her name is Ash. Is that right? That's right. Tell us about Ash. And is she okay with you having the Swords of Aragon? Is she cool with it? She was just bummed because she was going to buy me one. And then it seemed egregious at that point. Yeah. Well, I think you found the right person. For every Mickey, there's a Minnie. and you found someone who was reaching for the same Aragon sword as you at Colonel Buster's shop of bullshittery. No, I do want to talk about Ash because she is amazing. She's like the most beautiful woman.

8:47I mean, she's incredibly talented. She's a singer. She's an actor. She's a writer. We met working at a regional theater together, both writing sketch comedy. Oh, great. Performing at the theater. That's lovely. So she's the love of your life. She's got a contract and a soulmate by every definition of the word. Oh, I'm very happy for you, Zach. Thank you. Is this correct? She's kind of into mysticism. Let's elaborate on that. Tell us about Ash. She's a spiritual person, you know, has warmed me up a bit to the idea, warmed this cold heart to, you know, accept there may be something bigger than ourselves out there.

9:26Yes, your sword is eight feet long. Hanging behind your fucking computer.

9:34What's your obsession with my sword? I don't know. I just can't forget about your big sword. Yeah, your eight-foot raw dog. All right, take it easy. She has a very close relationship to the moon. What? And you're not jealous? I know. How do you get that? Talk about this. She's into the moon. What do you mean she's into the moon? I mean she ebbs and flows. like the tines. I mean, she's connected like, I think a lot of spiritual people are, maybe they don't know it. You're saying she's a werewolf? Yeah. No, but you know, it's interesting. This is interesting is that you could say it's not crazy to think the moon would have a significance on our lives because we are made of water and we all know that the moon controls the tides, affects the tides and is responsible for them.

10:23So is it possible then that the moon would have significance in our moods and our destinies? No. It's not possible. I typically discounted. Mind shut.

10:49Well, Father's Day is coming up. Hint, hint. June 21st. Not your children. What? My children are not getting me anything. So it's up to you guys to get me Father's Day. They have never bought into Father's Day, but you guys are going to. You're my employees and you have to. Well, guess what? Luckily, Macy's has a wide range of options, the expertise to help you find the perfect gift. Macy's is the answer for Father's Day. David, as my sort of surrogate son. Okay, aw, that's nice. The son that I hired to buy me things. Exactly. I hope that you're prepared for this Father's Day and I hope you've consulted Macy's.

11:32Oh, I sure I have done both of those things. First. Oh, there you go. You love a pun. We got you a shirt that says, The Grill Father. I love that shirt because you know what? I love the Godfather movies and I love grilling and they've combined them with The Grill Father. And are you ready to combine it even more? Let's see the next gift. Ooh. A ninja indoor grill. Can I say something? That looks really good. It does. And then, you know, sometimes when you're grilling, you know, you might want to get rid of that scent, that smell. So we got you some Dior cologne. Oh, is that Sauvage? It's Sauvage.

12:02Oh, my God. I love Sauvage. And I love that it does mask the scent of charred meat really well. Yeah. So happy Father's Day from us and Macy's. You know what? I want to say thank you. Those are cool gifts. I love it. Check out Macy's online gift guide for more ideas at Macy's.com slash gift guide.

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15:25Okay, she'll host little coven nights surrounding the new moon and the full moon. Wow. Because there's lots of psychology, actually, behind planting seeds and manifesting them through the power of thought. I love that shit. What's that? I love that. Spoken like a true spiritualist. I love that shit.

15:53It's just spicy psychology. Does this affect the way you schedule things with Ash? Do you try to look at what the moon is up to if you're going to make a reservation or there's a big event coming up? Do you consult the moon? Do you let the moon guide your actions? Well, I actually, I proposed underneath a super blood moon lunar eclipse. Oh, whoa. And, uh, okay. So you knew what date that was happening. You had to propose. Did you try to, I mean, how does that work? Do you, you have to wait at night because you want the moon to be out, right? Yeah. So I, you know, um, I, I told her, Hey, uh, what about, you know, in a week and three days, we have our regularly scheduled nighttime picnics, you know, like we have never done before.

16:41And she was like, okay, weird, I'm sure. Yeah. And then, of course, after I proposed and she said yes, she told me that she actually had it marked on her calendar, expect proposal this day. Oh, she is a witch. Can't you, couldn't you have done a better job of surprising her? I mean, you know, I could have tried. You know what you do? You wait, you make sure you're in the house at the moment and then you yell, fire. and she has to go outside, right? Oh, that's good. Yeah, why you need me in your life? Where were you? Where were you when I was planning this? I fear the moon. I can get, I am so pale, I can get a moon burn.

17:26My dermatologist just said, avoid day and night.

17:33Okay, so you and Ash, what are your plans for the future? Do you have the same values? Do you have the same fears? I mean, I think we have values and fears that align. You know, we both value a lot of the same things, like being a good person and putting positivity out into the world. You know, I think that the energy you put out is very similar to the energy that you attract, whether that is spiritualism or psychology. I think it's all the same thing, really. But we both try to live our lives recognizing that the day that we have today is the good old days and really trying to appreciate what we have now before we're old, like some people.

18:17And you know what? Wait a minute, looking back. What? What? Okay, now, is this true? You don't want to get too old. It sounds like you guys don't want to get too old. You want to stay young and then call it quits. At what age? What age do you think you'd like to go out at? I have the benefit of being a young man. So I have often joked that I would, you know, if I could go out at 75, I think 75 is enough life lived. No, what are you talking about? I don't know that I want to live much longer. I mean, at that point, you're just a burden to the people around you. This is name droppy, but I had the great privilege of getting to introduce the Rolling Stones a couple of days ago at this big event.

18:57And I believe Mick Jagger is 82. That guy's having the time of his life. and if you said I want out at 75 he would laugh at you and then kick your ass there's no couldn't he kick my ass though? oh he could you know why? he has nine security guards that could kick he would just point to you he would be the one responsible for your ass kicking but he wouldn't do the ass kicking anyway I think you will be amending that when you're 74 I agree of course you know by the time I get up there I'll probably want a couple more years but I actually that's pushing to 76 You know, just hitting the snooze button on the microphone.

19:36Yes. Yeah. I love that idea. That's how life works. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You start to hear AM radio and you're like, no. I want a few more years. But I mean, that is a fear of mine is reaching an age where I no longer know who I am. Well, I hit that about four years ago. And let me tell you, it's not bad because I've forgotten many of my heinous crimes. Right. So it's all just a dim memory to me. No, I appreciate wanting to stay young, but you can't plan now. But let's say you guys both hit 75 and you want out. How are you going to do it? We've actually talked about this. We've discussed two ways.

20:17They're both very different. First is going out Thelma and Louise style, getting in a car and just driving right off the Grand Canyon. Then we're going out together at the same time. And the other way is, you know, The Last of Us, Nick Offerman style with some pills and the glass of wine and, you know, just fall asleep together. Wow, this got super depressing. I would combine them. None of these involve your Aragorn swords? Yeah. You've got those swords. You might as well use them. You know what I would think? People romanticize that Thelma and Louise ending. I know me. And if I was in that car with my beloved and we went off the cliff of the Grand Canyon, my whole thought the way down would be someone's got to get this car out of the Grand Canyon.

20:59And I would feel like, oh, that's a drag. And people are going to be mad at me. And what if we hit like some - You would do it, but you would leave like, let's say a$2 ,500 check behind for cleaning services. For crane services. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's going to be more than that actually to get that out. Okay. But I don't care if I have to split the difference. trust me i've looked into this um yeah i don't know i just say don't even worry about it your death is not your concern just enjoy life for now and then when the time is nigh grab seven of your swords and jump on them yeah i you know i i don't know if i want to go out in that flashy of a way i think uh i think the peace yeah just a car off the grand canyon after having had hotel sex with Brad Pitt.

21:43Yeah. Hey, that's peaceful to me. It's just open sky right in front of you. You know, it sounds great. So besides your obsession with these Aragon swords and, of course, your work in animation and your growing interest in all things lunar, what are your hobbies? What would you say is your most interesting hobby? Well, you know, actually, right now I'm designing a trading card game with my brother and best friend. Okay. Is that two people? Or is your brother your best friend? It's a little confusing. He is my best friend, but then I have another. I have five best friends. No, you can't. It's not how it works.

22:24No, I get it. I have that. What's the trading cards? Just before we wrap it up, what's the trading cards? So the game is called Alterverse, and the elevator pitch is interdimensional hunger games where alternate versions of history's legends fight together in an arena one-on-one. Okay, so alternate versions, of course, we go right to Lincoln. One Lincoln versus another Lincoln? As a warrior? Yeah. Of course, we all go right to Lincoln. When you turn Abraham Lincoln the knight versus Abraham Lincoln the robot from the year 3022. Genghis Khan versus Lincoln? No, no, no. I think he's saying there's alternate versions.

23:08Do the alternate versions fight each other? Does Lincoln fight Abraham Lincoln, O. Lincoln, who lives in Ireland? Do they fight each other? They could fight each other. Right now we have Sherlock as a robot fighting Hercules as a caveman. So maybe not even actual people that existed, just the legends maybe exist as reality in some other alternate dimension. have you worked out how the game works and the whole thing it's all worked out we've been play testing it we've been designing cards it's uh you know i would challenge you in a game because i know you would you would love that i know you're actually dying for me to ask you to do that but you know what no one's ever read my mind before but you have you have i would love to play you in this game um and he said lying uh i'm yeah i don't know that's that game sounds uh like Obviously, you're a very creative guy.

24:08You're a very talented guy. Do you create things in your hobby? Like when you're just sitting around, if you've got a weekend off or anything like that, do you find yourself writing little things or doodling or doing any sort of creation? I sign headshots to myself. Jesus Christ. Headshots of me from the 90s to me, and then I sign them to me. And then I put them in an envelope, and then I open them. And I get excited. And each time I open one, I'm equally excited. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's a little game I call narcissus. No, I have lots of little things I do. We all entertain ourselves, I suppose, in different ways.

24:50For me, obviously it's working on my body. What's that? Yeah. I actually hear nothing. You look good from here. Thank you. I look best on a Zoom. Well, it's been delightful talking to you. I mean it when I say you seem like a nice guy and a talented guy. I'm very excited for you and Ash, who sounds amazing and she's great. And I'm just, I'm happy for you guys. That's all I can say. Would I be happier if you didn't have the swords? Yes, I would. Would I be happier still if your red beard matched your hair? Yes, delighted. But I can't control these things. Does the whole moon thing creep me out and the covens late at night?