Taylor Tomlinson Returns Again

24:01We live in a very, it's a strange moment we're in right now where we're trying to figure out the internet. And mankind has been around for hundreds of thousands of years. And then in the last millisecond, we suddenly know what everyone thinks. And it's not even what they think. It's what they're just putting out there. So you could read through all your comments and the nastiest comment about you would be by someone who doesn't really care even that much. They just want to... Get likes on the comment. They want to get some traction. Yeah. And then if you met that person and said, did you write that about me?

24:37There's a really good chance they'd go like, no, I just, I mean, I really like your specials. And, you know, so what's the point? Yeah. I also think after you put out enough things or do enough things publicly, you just learn that people will say the wrong thing to your face meaning well. So you're like, why would I go looking for mean comments when I can't even take a compliment from a person who cares about me? Right. Like after you host the Oscars, was there like specific compliments you want on your performance? Do you not care? Were there things people said that you like hit you wrong? I really care, but it's just always so, and even when everything's overwhelmingly nice, the thing I hear a lot, I don't know if you've ever been around with me, Sona, when I get this, but I got it a lot for years, was women would say to me, you're so much better looking in person.

25:31And I would just thought, started to think, am I a monster? Am I like an orc? you know am I this goblin but they really would act like I really thought you were funny despite your face you know what I mean but that's how you take it but that's what I would hear is I would think and people would say how come you don't look this way on TV and I got in my head about it for a while but that's everyone right like everybody looks better in person I think so yeah I agree but also it's the way I don't know if your brain works like his does, but you immediately go to like a negative. Yeah, I can take any.

26:12So if someone's like, today's show was great. Well, what about the other shows? That's a big thing. But on that comment, people do need to learn how to compliment without having the there be an opposite version of it that you can read into it. Because that is a weird thing to say. You know, you realize you've put yourself out there in this very personal way, which is there are so many things I never cared about that much. I just didn't care. I think a lot about being a great athlete, people misunderstand. Yes, it's called physical talent. You need these physical abilities. But there's another part of it, which I think is huge, which is you need to passionately care about where the ball is at any given moment.

26:52And I didn't. Like, I was like, oh, I guess it's going over that way. Well, someone will get it. You know. Uh-oh, it's coming my way. I'm supposed to do something. Like, well, OK, I don't think I have great physical skills, but I with that attitude, I'm not going anywhere. But the thing I cared about more than anything else was being funny. And so that's where everything went. So it's the meanest thing someone could say to you. You're not funny. Or is it not that because, you know, you are. It took a long time, but I think more lately, it's been shockingly late in my career. But, you know, if someone said to me now, like, you're just not funny, I'd be like, well, enough people are that I seem to pay the rent.

27:37Motherfucker! You know, I would have more of that attitude, but I didn't, I wasn't able to do that one in 1993, 94. I'd be like, well, what do you think I could get better at? Yeah. No, that's how I feel, too. I'm just like, well, I have stuff. Like, I have evidence that some people think so. It's more subjective is how I feel about it. Yeah. And then certain, but then I'll also, I'll spin positive comments negatively. Like something lately that I've been spinning negatively is when people say, you know, like the book or your special is like, oh, you're so honest. And I'm like, but was it good?

28:12Like, was it funny? Was it like, cause to me, honest is like easy, but it's not easy for everybody to be honest. It's not easy to share things about yourself and get deep and go deeper with people. And so it's taken me a while to kind of accept that as a compliment because my initial reaction is always like, oh, you're saying honest because you are trying to think of something nice to say, but you don't want to lie is how I initially took it. Isn't that interesting? We're horrible people. You know, I mean. I'm taking stock of the silence right now as everybody agrees with me. even as everyone's going honest is a rough one to get like i'm even over analyzing the conversation i have about it i'm gonna read a quote from your book which says and and what i love about your writing is you you uh you you pack so much into like a paragraph and this is from the opening of your book in the last 10 years i have rebooted my whole system countless times i thought i would graduate college and become a teacher.

29:16I dropped out to pursue stand-up comedy. I thought I'd get married. I called off an engagement. I thought I had anxiety that could be cured by the right exercise regimen and green smoothie recipe. I got diagnosed with bipolar 2. I thought I would never come out as queer. I fell in love with a woman. I thought I could digest dairy. I cannot. Everything you said here, the only thing that angered me was that you cannot digest dairy. That angered you? It angered me. It angers me too. I think you're not trying hard enough. And it's so upsetting because I look like I'm from Wisconsin. I have resting more cheese, please face.

29:57There are cheese companies that so want to put your face on the label. I did an ad for yogurt during COVID. Yes. I know. And during COVID, I had to do like a socials ask where they were like, you do have to take a bite of the yogurt. And I was like, that will mess me up. And they're like, well, it's Greek yogurt, so it's easier to digest. I go, you think I haven't tried every fucking yogurt? You think I haven't? I haven't turned every stone over to make sure. I truly have tried it. And then once you stop having it, you're like, oh, this is the normal amount of diarrhea to have per year. It's supposed to be weird.

30:37You're supposed to get to the end of a day and be like, I had diarrhea. That was strange. Instead of get to the end of the day, it didn't happen. You go, whoa, what's in the air? When you're getting high fives because you didn't have diarrhea, there's an issue. There's an issue. And I just thought, well, that's what happens. You would get Hallmark cards on a diarrhea free day. There's so much there. I mean, what I love about that paragraph is that so much of your book is in the paragraph. You don't even have to finish the book. That's what's great about the paragraph. I just said that paragraph.

31:13You don't have to buy the book. No, that's that's the whole book. It is. First of all, I did not know you said you got diagnosed with bipolar two. What is bipolar two? It's I mean, it's just as opposed to bipolar one. I don't know. I was like, I mean, it's a mental illness. Like I was like, has Conan never heard of bipolar? Like, how deep do I got to go? I mean, the way I understand the way it's being explained to me is bipolar one is mania as opposed to hypomania. So you're going between depressive episodes and manic episodes. But mania is more intense where usually it requires like hospitalization or like you think you're speaking to God or people are following you or something like that.

31:54And hypomania is more like, you know, reckless decision making and behaviors and like all the increased energy and no sleep and all that. But it's not quite as severe. Right. So I think it's just the less intense version of bipolar one. Hugh, all the comments being like, you explained that wrong. I get so scared to talk about anything that I'm not an expert on, which is everything. How dare you? Yeah. Anything except Gilmore Girls. I'm like, I misspoke. But Gilmore Girls, you're confident. Excuse me, the gazebo was on Elm Street and third. It's in the center of town, Conan, but yeah.

32:42I have this, does this resonate with you? I actually talked to my daughter about it, But I say, I think a lot of growing up and getting older in a good way is you finally find your owner's manual. And it doesn't mean you don't have issues, but any great product, I mean, you could just, an amazing product comes with an owner's manual. And it's a lot of this can do, it can chop and dice carrots at 3 ,000 revolutions a second. It does this amazing thing. You're flipping through it and then you get to the page where it says, keep in mind, here are the issues. You need to clean the blade constantly because if it's the steel that we use, you need to do this.

33:24Has a tendency to overheat. Don't put it in sunlight. You know, all those things. And I think that for me, and it sounds like it's the same thing for you, a lot of it was just, oh, here's what I'm really good at. Here's the stuff I have to watch out for and my tendencies. And I'm familiar with my owner's manual. Just kind of how it feels to me. And it feels to me like you had so much success, which to me feels like very early in your life, but you have worked so hard. You've had a lot of success, but you also have a lot of stuff in your owner's manual that says, look, the Taylor Tomlinson is amazing.

34:03And here are the things that you need to watch out for. Needs sleep. Can't have dairy. Needs, you know. You can mess up the system pretty easily. Yeah. Prone to this, prone to that and take care of those things. But it's an amazing product. But just here are the things that you need to be aware of. And I think if more people accept that's one of the things about getting older that I like. You know, getting old is a gets a bad rap, but I've been very pleasantly surprised at how much happier I am when I know, oh, I know what I'm doing right now. Yeah. I'm doing the thing where I'm digging this hole even deeper and getting into a funk, you know, and you get a little distance.

34:47Yeah, there's like an acceptance, I think. And I think your 20s or at least my 20s were just sort of untangling all the cords inside my brain and heart and going, okay, what am I working with here? And what are the things that I'm going to have to work on the rest of my life or keep an eye on the rest of my life? And it's like, it's something I think about a lot with dating where, and I'm kind of talking about it on stage right now is like in my thirties now, I'm pretty, I could argue for or against me. Like I have a very accurate view of myself and I have a lot of things I'm confident about and a lot of things that I'm like, yeah, that'd be a deal breaker for me too.

35:32if I was on the other side. And sometimes they're the same thing. Like I love that I'm a standup comedian. I love that I'm so honest on stage. I love that I have turned, you know, personal things about my life into relatable content. I could also see why that would be not attractive to somebody. And I always thought that when I got to my 30s, I would be just like so confident. And so I'm amazing now. I've reached this peak of who I am. And actually, it's just accepting your strengths and weaknesses and going, yeah, they coexist, and that's fine. And the right people are going to love me, and the wrong people won't, and it's fine.

36:16Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. That felt too sincere. No, that's actually, that's really good. And then you had to ruin it. I'm sorry. Clip it. Clip it right before I went. That was bullshit. I do have a question because we were talking about your Harvard commencement speech, which I listened to and it was great. But I was surprised that you hadn't done that yet. That seems late. I know you did class day, which. I did a class day in 2000, which I really like. A long time ago to do class. They took 26 years. This is why I don't read comments. No, no, no. This is why I don't read comments. This is me criticizing Harvard.

36:58Oh, good. Get him. I just thought that was so crazy to make you wait so long to do the commencement I was looking at the list and I'm like well yeah of course you gotta have the Obamas before Conan I get that but like they had Tom Hanks before you, he didn't go there and they had Sasha and Malia before him

37:19they had the Unabomber before me Ted Kaczynski has done it twice was any part of you like guys I went here What's taking so long? Well, to be fair to them, okay, I did the class day, and I guess that went really well. And I thought, so a lot of time has to go, because you can't. What's class day? Class day was like the... Is that the audition for commencement? No, but class day is the speech where you're sort of, it can be more comedic, you know. And, you know, there's, I think it's students, it's more about the kids. so they had me do that okay uh and then i did something for them uh during um covid during covid they did something online for them because they said the kids are all bummed they have to leave they're having their virtual graduation so i yeah i did that yeah and then some more time went by and they thought let's get that old fool back yeah before he goes i saw that come up and i go how many times has conan done the harvard commencement surely it's been three or for by now it's a big i mean i can understand like why you should wait and i'm putting you in a terrible position no no i understand why they do it because you you get like this it's a real it's a real honor to get to do that such an obvious choice for that though for such a long time he did dartmouths i guess so i don't wonder if if like having done dartmouths like they were like well we were gonna ask him but now we're gonna wait well he should have done it before Dartmouth asked.

38:54That's how I was feeling. Did you go to Dartmouth? No. No, no, no. Dartmouth. I did research. I was really, I was pissed for you. I didn't think we'd be having this conversation. Hey, Howard Thomas is going on. We're going to probably talk about the history of my commencement speeches. I'm like, how was it doing that overdue honor? So I'm taking shots. I didn't finish school. I don't care. I don't care what Harvard thinks of me. Conan, you look so much better in person on the podcast. Yes. And why did they make you wait? Listen, I am a poster boy for good fortune and just happy it all went my way.

39:31But you're right. They made me wait too long. Let's get back to you. Let's get back to you because there's one other thing I want to bring up that you talk about that I totally agree with, which is birthdays as an adult. And how you're just totally against the idea of adults making a big fuss about their birthday. Are you a big birthday person? Huge. Really? birthday month. Birth month. Birth month. And it's coming up. And we all have to do her bidding when it's her birth month. It goes on forever. People, you know, I am no spring chicken and my sometimes friends will say to me like, it's your birthday's coming up.

40:08What are you gonna do? I'm like, I'm gonna get closer to the grave, I guess. But I feel, I'm not gonna put on a paper hat. Like to me, it's just at the most, if I can have dinner with my wife, and a glass of wine and a good pizza, I'm happy. Yeah, I try to work on my birthday so I forget that it's happening. Now, with the other perspective is Sonoma Session. Here's my thought about it. It is an excuse to see people. So it's not even like, buy me dinner. It's let's go to dinner. Because there's like, I don't even have to mention it's birth month, but I'm celebrating for myself with all of my friends.

40:47They should know it's birth month. But you're a bit of a tyrant about it. I'm not a tyrant. said the tyrant. I'm not a tyrant. I do on the 1st of October. My birthday is on the 13th. I do text my friends and I'm like, birth month, everyone. What are we doing? And honestly, I would like the heads up. I think if you do care a lot about your birthday, you do need to give your friends a heads up like that. I think that's very considerate. But I don't expect them to pay for dinner. It's not like I'm just expecting all this free stuff. I just want to see people that I haven't seen all year. And it's a good excuse to see people.

41:18And you're giving people the month to make plans with you. I think, actually, that makes a lot of sense to me. I thought it was like, and someone has this big blowout, and it's always Wednesday at noon, and right in the middle of the week when no one can come. And she says, if you don't come, you hate me, and I'll dox you online. Like, that's what I was picturing during the tyrant speech. No, no. But that seems okay. That's how we represent it. Here at our little company in our building, we've started to group birthdays. Yeah. So there's not a cake for each person. EB waits. And it's usually about two and sometimes three people when their birthdays are all within about two weeks of each other.

42:01Then there's one cake. Yeah. And that makes singing the song complicated. Because I don't know whose name we're saying first. Sometimes I don't know the name at all. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. Like, I'm supposed to know that person? Happy birthday, valued employee. Happy birthday, random blood bag. Happy birthday to you. That never goes over well. Well, I'm sorry. Oh, it's Blay. That's his name, Blay. Hi. I'm sorry I called you random blood bag earlier. You talk a lot. It was a huge impact on your life about your mom passing away. How old were you when she passed away? I was eight. You were eight and you say that after your mom died, you immediately started preparing for your own death.

42:52Is that true? Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think afterward, and I didn't really put it together until I was a little older, but apparently it's a very common fear when someone has a parent die young, they assume they're going to die at that same age or they're going to die very young as well. And so I had that fear, I mean, up until very recently and kind of still rears its ugly head because I'm not 34 yet, which is when she passed. And so, yeah, it is just this weird thing you live with. And when I started writing the book, I mean, I pitched the book as like, oh, it's going to be personal essays about all the things I've changed my mind about because that's literally everything you can write about anything.

43:33So when I started writing the book, the way I did it is I just had Scrivener open and I just made different chapters and titled them by like subject. And then I just wrote kind of everything that was significant about that subject. And I was like, what do people need to know about me to contextualize these other things I changed my mind about? And I kind of worked backwards. and I was like, oh, the two biggest things from my childhood that you need to know are, like, I grew up really religious, but first and foremost, and it's why I started the book with it, is that my mother died very young, and that, I realized, has had such a ripple effect throughout the rest of my life and who I've become and the decisions I've made and the opinions I had and And the way I approached big life decisions and the things I thought I had to do.

44:29And for better or worse, right? Like I talk about pretty early on in the book, I think, about how my mom was like a really great writer. And I have some of her writing in the book because she kept journals her whole life. And it was like this way of publishing her. And it was so cool to have editors be like, wow, your mom was this amazing writer. That's so wonderful. And I just feel like I have scraps of not just her, but my dad's talent as well as like a performer. And neither of them became performers or writers. They became parents. And not that you can't be both, but that was their path. And my dad taught and my mom was a stay at home mom.

45:06And so I have spent my whole life sort of feeling like, okay, I have to make the most of the scraps of these gifts that these two very talented people have. And I think I've stretched them pretty far. I think I've done a lot with a little bit. But it really is like even down to like I talk about calling off an engagement in the book and realizing through that process like, oh, I wanted to get married for reasons other than, oh, I really love this person. Like I was trying to get married really fast because I wanted my mom's side of the family to know that I was still like maybe I didn't necessarily wasn't the perfect Christian or anything.

45:50But look, I'm married and I'm doing that correctly. And my parents got married young. And so I feel like I should get married young and like all these different things that all of it can be traced back to losing her or growing up, idolizing her and wanting to be more like her or feeling insecure about the fact that I wasn't like her because my mom was such a charismatic, sparkly, like beautiful woman. And it's just, I don't look like her. I really don't have that magical quality that she had. And so I feel that it's just such a waste that she's not here anymore that if I have any bit of it, I'm like, why have to?

46:30I was watching David Sedaris on Anderson Cooper's podcast, and he was talking about how he, in writing about his mother, because they were talking about how his mother died, that he felt like it was his job to make the world love his mother as much as he loved her. And that he felt like she deserved the world love. And that's really how I feel about putting my mom in the book. And the cover, you were asking about it when we sat down and I gave you it. It's a great photo. The photo is actually a recreation of, if you look at the dedication, it's a photo that I talk about in the book of my mom sitting in the airport.

47:04And it's on the dedication page because I dedicate the book to her. And so from like the very beginning of the process, I was like, oh, well, I would love it if the cover was a recreation of that photo. And so that was like my initial idea. And we went through a lot of different versions of the cover. Oh, wow. Look. But that's what I. So that's your mom. That's my mom. Yeah. Wow. Was just, yeah. She looks. I think she was going on a speech and debate competition tournament in college. She's much younger than me. I know, she's much younger than me. And then the cover is also we had an amazing photographer, Sella Shaloni, but this photo specifically that got picked is a Polaroid my sibling took at the shoot.

47:46Oh, wow. Yes. Isn't that crazy? So it's really kind of amazing how it all came together. I went on such a long tangent sorry we'll edit that, we'll tighten that up no we're not tighten anything up we'll tighten that up in post we can't afford that we desperately want to edit you we're going to add longer pauses we're going to put some air in there we're going to add some sniffles some coyote sounds here and there we're going to add a few still going in the background Yeah, just muttering, Matt, what time is it? You're just going to hear Sona go, my birthday month is coming. It is. It is. You're right.

48:31September.

48:35Hey, guys. It's David. And I'm Jason. This is the Views Podcast. Yeah. And this is our podcast. And we talk about, what do we talk about on here? We talk about scientific things. Yes. We talk about friendship. We talk about sex. We talk about rock and roll, talk about living in L.A., being an influencer, not being an influencer. Jason trying to be an actor, trying to figure out how to live life. And everything we say is mostly wrong. Pretty much. Yeah, so don't take anything seriously and just enjoy the ride. Sorry there's noise in the background. Our friend is f***ing filming a video. Listen to views wherever you get your podcasts.

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50:16You talk about how you kind of feel like you're performing for not just your mom, but your dad, too. Like you're. Yeah. Which which, you know, my parents passed away about a year and a half ago. but I remember before they died, I remembered thinking, well, will I still do comedy after my parents are gone? Because that's kind of the only reason. There's a very primal reason you do it, which is you're in your high chair. My mom said I got a big laugh like in my high chair. And my mom laughed really hard. And her brother, my uncle said, don't laugh. He'll think he's a comedian. And that was like in whatever, 1964, 65.

50:56Real good energy, by the way. Don't laugh. for him. He'll think he's something. He'll believe. Explains so much. I know. But you get that. It's I do think at the end of the day, we're still I don't care. You could be 95 years old. You're still trying to impress your parents. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. And I mean, I talk a lot about my siblings in the book and I have three younger siblings and I'm really trying to impress them all the time. And younger siblings are I mean, We're all very, very close, but they're so great because they really support me, believe in me, are excited for me. And they also know me so well that they can roll their eyes at me at the right moments, too.

51:37And be like, you're being a lot. Come on, just tone it down. You are a lot. And I am a lot. And also they can go, hey, slow down and enjoy this because this is cool. So I think they keep me very grounded in a way that is just like, I'm so grateful for it because I think it's so special. So, yeah, I keep thinking of other questions I want to ask you, but they're nothing to do with my book. And my publishers will be mad if I'm just like, so Toy Story 5. Why did they wait so long to ask you? Why not first Toy Story or Toy Story 2 or 3? and that is bullshit as a matter of fact no i actually do have questions about that because toy story is very important to me i love toy story okay and i so when they asked you to do it was it like no brainer of course you're gonna do that or were you like let me look at my schedule like are you kidding well they came to this building and i and they came in person they It came in, yes, all the toys.

52:38They're like, we won't put it in later. Woody and Buzz. Woody and Buzz came. The dinosaur was rude. You would never. But we, they said, they came up, and they went up to my office, which is not big. It's just, we're sort of in like a, kind of a house here. We get it. You're a man of the people, Conan. It's a small, it's a small office. It's a very small. And I was just happy to be asked to do the commencement. I had a little candle. And I took them up the staircase and there's a mouse at the top of the stairs. I gave him a little piece of cheese. So we went in my office and they laid out what the story was and it's Toy Story 5 and here's your part.

53:21And then at the end they went, so what do you think? And I went, what do you mean? What do I think? It's Toy Story. I like that they properly pitched you. No, they pitched me, but I thought you don't need to pitch me. You just have to say, you know, you play a urinal cake in Toy Story 5. and I'll be like, yes, okay. It's just yes and, but yeah. And it was a big part. I mean, it was bigger than I thought. It was not a cameo. It was a roll. Yeah, it was really fun to do. Come on, roll. Come on, guys. No, sorry, that was dumb. That was dumb. Cut it. Cut it, please. Nope, loop it. Loop it. Loop it.

53:54Loop it. Move it up front. We're going to open with that.

54:00So Taylor, congratulations on the book. Yeah, yeah. What are you, Toy Story? A roll, a roll, a roll. get it a roll a roll a roll a roll a roll a roll a roll a roll a roll that's my uh rap sound have you been happy with the reception to your character i listened to the i listened to the jokey one where you're like and it's about this and i should get a cut of the merch and i know you're doing a bit but like genuinely people seemed real happy mostly i just love it when kids are happy yeah yeah kids were laughing a lot so i think i think if you can make a kid laugh That's still, I mean, I know that there are a lot of humorists and people with a satirist.

54:38And I think I'm a clown. If I can make a kid laugh, that is my biggest joy. My daughter loved it. And I forgot to tell you this, you know, when she came in, when we did our summer spouses thing and we left, I said, well, what did you think? Did you like that place? What about my boss? And she goes, does that man live there?

54:57my boys are just discovering that you're funny and they're just like he's funny and i'm like yeah he made a whole career out of it but they don't know that you know to you to them you're just the voice of smarty pants yeah it was fun it was fun because when i went to when i saw it for the first time and it was an insane experience because they invited us all to this premiere and then Taylor Swift? Yeah. Is it the premiere? And suddenly I'm chatting with her and getting my picture taken and I'm like, Taylor Swift, this is crazy because I didn't realize she was going to be there. And then I'm watching it with your boys and the only time I became enraged is when they both said they separately needed to use the bathroom at different times, minutes apart.

55:44We were in the middle of the aisle. I walked in front of Conan and Tim Allen to take them to the bathroom. and then I come back and the other one a few minutes later is like, I have to go to the bathroom. I'm like, son of a bitch. During your part of the movie? During the whole movie. Oh, the movie. There was just like, the movie was happening and they just both needed to go at different times. Yeah. I thought you were going to say it was during your scenes. Oh, I'm sure they missed some of it. It probably was. It was my own personal hell. Yeah, it was my own. Because they had the, you know, and Tim Allen was furious.

56:12He had a stick and he was trying to hit them. Remember? He was poking at them. Yeah. He walks around with a giant stick and swings at kids. And it's not a cane. He's not holding himself up. No. It's a weapon. It's a stick. It in no way aids his mobility. Specifically for poking kids. That's his kid poking stick. All right, we're going to have to wrap this up because we've gone to epic lengths here today. And I'll tell you why. I'm so sorry. Because, yeah, sorry. That's the right. Because you are an absolute delight. You really are. You know that. And I am, you know, I say this sometimes to much younger performers like yourself.

56:49And I just say, I'm really proud of you because you are such a good person and you've been dealt a lot and you've handled it beautifully. And you've written this beautiful book. That's so nice. And I'm just delighted to know you, Taylor. Seriously. That's really nice. Thank you. And just keep, you know, mom, dad, they are proud of you. You've done an amazing, amazing job and just keep doing what you're doing and take care of yourself. That's so nice. Thank you. And I have been dealt a lot. And one of the things I have been dealt, as we've talked about before, is when I went on tour with you, you made me choose between two American Girl dolls.

57:23Yeah, I did. And told me the other would be melted down. Yeah. I said it would be killed. You said it would be killed. And you didn't kill it. And that was nice. But that was pretty formative for me because I was an up-and-coming comic. Again, you're one of my comedy heroes. I'm being put on the spot. And, you know. We were on a giant tour bus in Chicago? In Chicago, yeah. And we pulled over. I know we talked about this once before, but pulled over and we got these two American girls. Because you said you never got one. So we got two of them. And then I made you choose. And then you dangled them in front of me.

57:52I said the other one would be killed. You did a Sophie's choice. I did. And I didn't have American Girl money back then. But I'm doing pretty well now, Conan. Okay. So. What? I thought that maybe today, we'd make you choose an American Girl doll. Oh. And what happens to the one I don't choose? Wouldn't you like to know? Well, I would already choose this one. It's Sona when she was eight. Oh my God, it was. That doesn't seem like the right. Will she stand on her own? That's somehow more me than you. I love this. You can get acquainted. And I brought you their books. Because I know you haven't read them.

58:37I love how there's a backstory to these. Yes, there's a series of books. Okay, this is... These are the first of Kirsten and Molly. This is Molly. This is Kirsten. And these are OG ones. Yes, these are OG ones. These are OG American Girl. I remember these. Yes. Yeah, I remember. I very vividly remember Molly. Yes, me too. Molly was... Just this tableau right now is just disturbing. Which will I choose? And we had to assemble. I mean, they came like, Molly didn't have her glasses on when they came in the box. Oh, man. And the way my sibling and I freaked out when we thought she came without glasses, they were in a little case.

59:18We opened it. We go, what? Well, we can't take her in without her glasses. We were furious. But then we found it and it's okay. Oh, thank God. What's it going to be? It'd be great if you got on the phone and it was recorded and you were screaming profanity. An American Girl call center. What the fuck? So this is the first book is Meet Kirsten. Okay. And she just made a dangerous journey on a small ship from Sweden in 1854 to make a new life in America. And so that's her. And you will never forget it was 1854 because she comes with a little thing. Her accessories she comes with were a bonnet, this little 1854 thing, and a wooden spoon, which I thought was strange.

1:00:06A wooden spoon. Yeah, because she's carrying flowers on the front of the book. Wow, what a journey you took. It was... Incredible. We thought that was an interesting choice. And then Molly, yes. Her destiny is laid out for her. When was Molly... Molly is... What's very funny about the back of Molly's book, we're reading it today, is, and it's on the website as well, is it's 1944, and the world is at war. Oh, yes. Molly's my girl. And the first half is about how terrible it is, And then it's about Molly's homemade Halloween costume is a huge success until her pesky little brother plays a mean trick.

1:00:41And you're like, wow, they really went from the world is at war to Molly's costume needs to be done. Where is she living while the world is at war? That would be an important detail. American girl. I mean, yeah. Yeah. She's not an American girl. She's not in the tunnels of the blitz. It doesn't say it on the back. I should have looked that up. I do have it somewhere. Well, she's got it. I mean, she's living a good life. She's not living in Berlin. You can tell. I mean, she's a privilege. She reeks a privilege. No, I don't think. She does. I think she's more normal. I don't know why I'm defending.

1:01:19Those were done by a servant. Okay, I have my answer. You already know? Yeah. Oh, I knew. Oh, this is what made me like Molly. She's not very good at math. Yeah. Oh my God, this is me. dislikes turnips and is afraid to swim underwater. Okay. So that's Molly for you. Guess what? This is a really tough choice. Can we all guess who you're going to choose? Yes. I would love to know. He's choosing Molly. No, because then you're going to be a contrarian. No, he's thinking, he relates to Kirsten. Yeah, but she's a World War II baby. Can I say something? Yeah. It's so clear. Listen, you've had a long journey and you've got a wooden spoon, but that's not a fun, you know, toy.

1:02:00You know what I mean? It's just not. No, it's not. It's not. I have a wooden spoon. I don't care. Her description is like she's burdened by helping her mother. And where does she come from? Sweden. You come from Sweden. Why did you leave Sweden? I know. You guys make just incredible stuff. You've got a beautiful country. You get to bike anywhere you want. Why is he talking to it? It's unbelievable. You got picky. I've got to get out of this shithole and go to America with my spoon. You fucked up. You fucked up. Get out of here. Oh, my God. Yay. I would have picked Molly, too. Yeah, she's got glasses.

1:02:45She's the best. This is great. And look, her purse, a very smart little purse. You can keep things in there. She's just the right age to be the bad seed, too. Yeah, exactly. Well, they're all nine. Okay. They all start nine. Yeah, I looked it up. They're born nine? They're born... I win, I win, yay! I lied, I'm actually born in San Francisco.

1:03:11What's that? I lied, I was born in San Francisco in 1984. Do some Republican people. Oh my God, Blaze matching Kirsten. Oh my gosh! Look at that. That's so cute. I have the boxes too, if anyone wants to put them in a box and take them to a kid. Well, no. I'm not giving this to a kid. It's 2026. I don't know a child. I've only got two daughters. Yeah, come on. No, I'm sorry. Molly lives here for the rest of her days. She's gotta be in the studio. She's gotta be in the studio in the corner. Hereditary style. Yeah, whoever I'm talking to, she's way back here. She scuttles along the ceiling. It is hereditary.

1:03:51She scuttles on the ceiling. Once per episode, she just goes along the back. Oh, or else I'll just be talking to someone and having a really intense conversation and then just comes up in the background. Can she do the wrap it up motion with her hand? Yeah, yeah.

1:04:10You know what? Thank you. And what's the name? Do you still have your doll or did you shred it? Yeah, Samantha. Okay, good. Did I shred it? She had an American girl. Did I shred it? She had an American girl shredder. They make one. They make those. I did. I said, oh my God, thank you so much, Conan. Then they took the cameras down and I went, all right, well. One of my favorite. Was that good for you two? One of my favorite remotes that I ever did that people talk to me about all the time. People talk to me about it. American Girl doll store where I. Where you got drunk. Where I got drunk on white wine and my doll turned out to be this insane fascist.

1:04:46Yeah. I swear to God, I look at that and I know that I really am talking to the doll. I know. I'm not even doing a bit. At that moment, when things got weird, I really, the doll took over. Yeah. And I don't know what else to say. It was real. All right. Actually, never mind. Amazing. Taylor Tomlinson, incredible. Please come back soon. Come see us anytime. Love to. And I'm really happy for you. Thank you for having me back. This was so nice of you to have me back on for this, really. We liked it.

1:05:23Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend, with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:05:43Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair. And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan And if you haven't already Please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend Wherever fine podcasts are downloaded

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