The Body Politic Part I

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1:10Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit TeamCoco.com slash Call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Grace. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hello there. Nice to be here. Thank you for having me. How are you, Grace? I'm very good. How are you? Well, lovely to meet you And you look fantastic You really do Thank you There's so much to talk about here Because it says on my little piece of paper here That you are in Bristol, England Is that correct? That is correct I was in London about a week and a half ago So sorry I missed you I'm sorry you missed me too She doesn't sound sorry at all Yeah, you seem Dodged a bullet You seem quite pleased that you dodged the serial international creep.

2:03Now, I don't know much other than it says here that you are a body modification assistant. I know nothing about this topic. Talk to me about I see that you have tattoos, but what is body modification include? So I'm actually a tattoo artist. but when I was coming up in the industry, I was a body piercer who then met a body modification artist and became their assistant. And body modification in the realm that I'm talking about would be like, um, things like tongue splits, um, scarification, subdermal implants, the removal of certain things um yeah kind of just coming up in like the alternative scene in Plymouth where I grew up yes um being into punk music and stuff like that I was always seeing these like heavily tattooed and pierced uh like singers in bands and stuff like that and it very much inspired me and it got me kind of like wanting to learn more about it and I was always fascinated by it and I was always wanting to get certain things done.

3:15Like I was dying to get my tongue split when, since I was like probably 14, 15. Oh, talk to me about that. Let's start with tongue splitting. Cause I don't know anything about that. I know that people can get a piercing on their tongue, but I didn't know about a tongue splitting. What's that? Uh, is this, can I show you? Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. That is crazy. You have a forked tongue. yes i can't believe a thing you're saying uh what so that's for appearance right that doesn't it doesn't well actually it would give your tongue more surface area your tongue is two separate muscles so that's why this works so well you can move them independently um but yeah it makes for great like i can pick food out of both sides of my mouth at the same time.

4:09Oh my God. And you could stick your tongue out at two separate people across the room. Yeah. I definitely. Good point. Yes. That's not cool. Yes, it is. Yeah. That feels like it's not cool. That's actually really cool. That's not a cool use. You know what? Many times I've wanted to stick my tongue out, but I have to choose which person to do it. And they're usually on either side of a room. Yes. Some distance from me. Then this is the procedure for you. That's exactly why I got it done. Does it? There must be some ways in which it's inconvenient. Like, maybe not. If they're licking ice cream, how's it?

4:46Is it? Does it? You must taste more ice cream. No, because there's not taste buds in the inside of your tongue, right? You're not getting new taste buds, are you? Well, probably not. No, I taste exactly like my taste. Nothing was different apart from the fact that these two things in my mouth now move independently. But honestly, it felt very freeing to get my tongue split. As soon as it was done and I started moving it, I was like, oh my God, it feels like my tongue has been in a vice this whole time. Did it change your speech at all? So I did have a slight lisp when I first got it done. And I had to kind of train myself to not have one.

5:25But it wasn't like severe or anything like that. It's kind of all dependent on the person. um but yeah it's it's uh it was something I'd always wanted done from a young age and then I got a piercing apprenticeship in London and the woman who was my mentor she was like this radical you know heavily modified Polish woman who was terrifying and she basically was able to facilitate that for me because she she was like the gatekeeper to body modification for me and she opened the door and introduced me to people who could facilitate all these sorts of things, you know? So there's so many things. You said you've done something to your belly button.

6:08What did you have done to your belly button? I removed it. How do you remove a belly button? You can't do that. I didn't know you could do that. So what are the, is it just smooth there now? There's no sign of anything ever having been there? Yes, exactly. Like a Barbie doll. what did you do with it yeah what happened I actually set so so I'm 37 now and I got it done when I was like 19 20 so um what I did was I took it dried it and set it in resin in a heart shape and I gave it to the boy that I I fancied at the time. Oh my God. You know, that's a mafia death threat. That's right up with a fish in your mailbox.

7:01Oh my God. Did you get it back when you guys broke up? Uh, no, I never got it back. Oh my God. Don't get your belly buttons. You know, it's so great. You guys break up and, or he breaks up with you and you go to his door and you're crying. You're like, I want my belly button back. I had a girlfriend once demand the sweater she knit me back because we broke up. And so this is the same thing. You also had your eyes tattooed purple? Are you talking about the iris of your eyes? Yeah, so I don't know. Oh my God, how do you do? Wait, I don't understand how that works. Your eyes are purple. Why have you not been grabbed by the government for being an alien?

7:44Well, I'm actually moving to America at the end of the year. and it is one of my my fears trust me it's not going to be your top fear grace plenty of other shit going on here right now uh can't wait you'll soon forget all your modifications so you've got that's so her eyeballs are tattooed purple does that hurt when they do it so it wasn't necessarily painful like the procedure because it's done by injection and like so imagine that the white part of your eye is covered in saran wrap that's what you guys call it right yeah yeah oh you're all ready for america don't worry about it i am i'm ready to go just learn captain crunch and you're sad so yeah they put imagine like your eye the white of your eye has this kind of clear layer over it and there is like a a pocket in between that where the the ink sits the sclera so if somebody um yeah exactly the sclera there you go um they basically inject around the eye i've had 12 injections in each eye oh my goodness spreads out like the little bubble of ink kind of forms on top of the eye and then within like an hour it starts to disperse and like spread out so this in no way affects your vision i have never had any issues with my vision But I'm not going to sit here and say that, no, there's no risk.

9:07There's massive risk. And people have gone blind. People have lost their eyes. I was the assistant of the body modification artist who invented the procedure. So I was, you know, assisting a lot of eyeball tattoos. And I loved the way that it looked. But I obviously was a little bit cautious about how risky it was. But you know Being young and dumb And after a while I was like Fuck it Let's go Yeah Can I swear? Yes Yes We can always have it removed Okay And given to a former lover Yeah exactly The fuck it Is now being given To my girlfriend Okay So These are the You do piercings You pierce ears You also Pierce nipples And you pierce Women's genitalia, but not men's genitalia.

10:05Is that correct? I feel like this is a trial, by the way. I know. Yeah, the way you're asking it. Dr. She's not very square. Dr. Lecter. Is it not true? Object argumentative. So you pierce women's... Say it. Say it. Say it. Sacred spaces. No. Oh, God. Yes, I pierce clitorises and labia. and there's no evidence there's a clitoris none i'm a clitoris denier i'm on record um you you don't think that they exist i'm just i've never seen any evidence listen grace you don't want to go down this road with me it's not pleasant uh no so um but you don't do women you don't do penises is that right so yeah i i started off as a piercing when I was a teenager and I learned to do everything.

11:05My mentor taught me how to pierce everything. And I did that for years. I worked in Soho in London. And I'm sure you've been to Soho. It's a fun place. I do. I love Soho. Yes, it's a great place. But because of it being in central London and being so next to, so like I worked on Wardle Street, which is really close to where all like the fetish shops and the sex shops are. Sure. Which don't get me wrong. I love all of that. But because of that, we get like an influx of older gentlemen who would like to get their genitals pierced. Interesting. Yes, I was happy to oblige. But then I noticed a pattern where there was just like, you know, they would get a piercing and then it would fall out two weeks later and they'd come in and be like, can you put it back in for me?

11:56And then it got to the point where it was like. Oh, oopsie doopsie. It fell out again. They wanted it for the piercing. oopsie I'm done with that I'm a female genitalia all day, every day, all day long love that because that just feels like a bonding sister moment you know I'm saying sure, I just don't know I'm going to be honest with you I have to be honest with you, I don't know oh yeah, yeah, bonding

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13:08You can show your support by wearing the blue handprint, the war paint for every young warrior battling cancer, a symbol of their fight, resilience, and hope. The auction is another way for us to get involved in their mission, and we're honored to be able to take part in it. I like that we're doing this auction. And there's a lot of really good memorabilia we have for the podcast. Yeah. A lot of cool swag. Also, some stuff that I think is unusual and maybe fun for people to have. Like a date with you. No. No? No. We've tried that and we lost over$600 ,000. Tell you what some of the auction items are, okay?

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18:36How much does all of this cost? Is it expensive? I imagine, because I don't, when I get my eyes dyed, I don't want to go the cheap route. I want to get the best person. Is all of this expensive? So, um, body modification is definitely more expensive than like piercing and, um, cause it's more high risk. But when I got all my modifications done like over 15 years ago, so it's probably a bit different now. Like I paid 250 pounds to get my tongue split. And I think that's probably pretty cheap compared to what the going rate is today yeah but yeah i think i think the eyes are at least a couple of grand i'm not sure yeah i didn't pay for mine i'm doing that i'll do it for 20 i'll do it 20 dollars yeah you're gonna do it for 20 okay well that's no one's gonna go to you but do you know i'll uh split your whole face for free what about a penis Splitting a penis is a very Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Let's back it up You can split a penis?

19:41He's backing it up because he's interested Yes, you can split a penis What? But I don't understand I in no way understand Okay, let's go through the levels There are levels to this shit, right? Okay So level one would be Imagine that the head of the penis is a birthday cake, right? Yeah And obviously you have the urethra, which is the center of the cake. Yes. And then you have that seam that goes down the back of the head of the penis. Yes, yes. Right? So imagine you are cutting the first slice of cake. Not the one, two, just the first cut. Yeah. You cut down that seam and expose the urethra. Right?

20:20So this is the penis. Okay, okay. And you expose the urethra. Okay. Then Latin 2 would be either exposing the whole head or continuing to expose the bottom of the urethra going down. But what's the purpose? Do you end up with two penises? Well, some people who go very extreme with it do. They'll end up with this. Oh! Sorry, just this naive, but everything then still functions? Yeah, how do you pee if the urethra is just dangling in the wind? And can you have sex with two women across the room? We were going to get to that. I think that depends on your anatomy. The bigger the anatomy, I'm guessing the more that we can do with it, the more opportunity there is for that sort of thing.

21:07You can get fancier with a bigger cake. You can do more. Exactly. Let's talk about the smaller cake. A cupcake, for instance. A mini cupcake. Not even a cupcake. A mini cupcake. cakes you know talk about the mini Reese's piece buttercup oh my god you can't even get one candle on it um well anyway I've never I've never had coitus with someone with a split penis but from my understanding of talking to people you can once the penis is erect put it together and insert it No, you got to probably stay with one side because it has to. It has to. Yeah, it has to. Well, if it's a good body modification artist, they will split the urethra.

22:00No, double urethras. You get two streams when you pee. Well, no, you get you get no streams. You basically pee like a girl. You'd have to sit down. Oh, Christ's sake. It's a gusher. Because it would just go everywhere. You've got like you're you're you're cutting the hose in half. Do you know what I mean? So there's no direction Why can't you not go right down the middle So that you still have a urethra And you pee out of one And the other one's just for fun You know Because Like hey you go and you urinate And I'm gonna get to work over here The penises are talking to each other Yeah Okay Yeah that's cool Hey buddy I'm going over I'm gonna use a urinal Why don't you go check her out Alright But you know You guys sit down to pee for a treat Sometimes right So it's like You're just treating yourself all the time Yeah that's true I don't sit down as a treat.

22:50I don't know that. I mean, that's a sad life if that's my big treat I give myself. I think I'll sit down to pee. I haven't been happy for eight years. No, I've never done that as a treat. No, I don't think men sit down to pee. Yeah, not typically. Not men I know. Maybe not in the U.S., but in the U.K., that's how they treat themselves. It's a national pastime. Yeah. God save the queen plays every time you sit. I'm having a tough week. I'm going to take a treat. I'll sit down. So cool. You, okay. You have suggestions, it says here, for Conan and Sona as to what we should have done. What would you have me do?

23:33What should I, what, if I came in, Grace, and I said to you, Grace, what's your suggestion? What would you say? Well, because of the way you look, I feel like you have a bit of a Ken vibe. Like Ken doll vibe, you know? A bit of a Ken and Barbie vibe. And Ken doesn't have any nipples. So I would say, like, why don't you just elevate your Ken-ness and remove your nipples? Okay. So just be smooth there. Can you remove nipples? Yeah, absolutely. It's not really something that's done on women because you have a higher chance of getting mastitis. But with men, it's very easy. So, okay, step one, both nipples go, and I gift them to Matt and Tessona.

24:19Yeah, once they're, of course, appropriately dried in a kiln. Okay, what else? Let's go to town. I will have my belly button removed as well, because if you're going to go Ken, you might as well go all the way. And what do I do with my Don Johnson down south? What would you have me do with that? well in my experience the more conservative looking the man is from the outside the more extreme yes i'm a i got kinks i've got major kinks exactly so i think we go like full whole hog cock and ball torture full penis split and then a trans scrotal with uh what's a trans mill steel ring in it okay well that's gonna hold me up at the tsa what uh what is what is And that's the only downside I can see.

25:10Right. Sir, did you remove your keys? I did. But I have two penises and I have a bicycle lock jammed through my scrotum. Yes, exactly. Could that be the problem, sir? Or instead of having a transscrotal so we can get rid of the metal, we could always insert an extra set of testicles into your scrotum. You know what? So you have four. Extra set. That's being generous. I'd settle for a couple of babies. I'd take anything right now. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. So just so I'm clear, that would be a split penis. So I have two of those. And then the mechanism, the apparatus goes through both testicles.

26:02Is that correct? So, no, what happens is your scrotum is like this, right? don't assume have you ever seen florida okay so so go ahead so i'm sorry i'm really trying to understand so the what happens to the the the scrotum yes i understand and what it might pushing your little eggs to the side yep one each side right and then they clamp the skin and they basically drive a scalpel blade through the testicles and then you know like the the plugs that people have in their ears when they stretch the holes in their ears it's essentially that so you can have like a big stretch hole going through your scrotum but imagine like a big metal ring going like through it oh i've imagined it yeah i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna tell you something this whole time that you were describing that i am gripping my hands together i just noticed it so tightly that there's no blood in my i'm literally this this is what i'm doing i'm Oh, my God.

27:01Dripping my hands together because when you say you shove the testicles to either side and then, did you have the same reaction, Matt? Do you drive a, you basically take out a Black and Decker drill and you go at the, is it the taint? Are we talking about the taint? No, it's not. It's the scrotum. I don't even have testicles and I was squirmy when she was, when Grace was describing what happened. I don't think I could, I don't see the purpose of a split penis. I just don't. Well, you're boring. And I feel like, I feel like I'm also boring. Like, I didn't know we could do this to our bodies. And I think it's really cool that we can.

27:36No, no. A lot of this sounds really fascinating to me. I have no problem with it. I'm talking about me personally. So if in your single days you got it on with a guy you met at the clubs, because, you know, you played it fast and loose. Okay. No, no. In a very good, healthy, empowering way. Yes. But it's time to get to town. The guy drops his pants. and suddenly his penis goes, you know, one goes east, one goes west. Would you freak out? And each one is going, pick me, pick me. Can we rubber band it and then just insert it together? Or do they, when they get erect? I think Grace was saying it just naturally comes together when it gets erect.

28:15I would want a series of clamps. I would insist on a series of clamps, rubber bands, and the occasional use of Elmer's glue. Maybe a gasket. But interestingly, before you answer that, let's make this a two-parter. So come back next time and we can talk more about this with Grace. Grace, you are the gift that keeps on giving. Do you mind staying on a little longer, Grace? Can you stay on a little longer, Grace? Is that all right? Of course. Yeah, absolutely. I'll play as long as you need me.

28:56and Nick Liao. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blaird. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.