The Conan and Jordan Show - Lady Crackers

0:12All right. Well, welcome to the Conan and Jordan show. This is our second episode. I have to be honest with you, Jordan. I didn't think we'd get to a second episode. Yeah. Because during the last one, I'm just being honest. I wanted to smash your face into powder. But we made it. We're here. And this is by popular demand. People love the Conan and Jordan show. What kind of polling did you do to determine the success of the first episode? I've looked at no data. I've talked to no one. I live pretty much a secluded, strange life. But I know deep in my heart that this thing's a smash hit. So much so that, look, we have our own sign now, the Conan and Jordan show.

0:54Now, I was under the impression that the previous recording session was an audition of sorts. Oh, God, no. No, we use every part of the buffalo here. We can't waste anything. So, no, that was not an audition. That was the first episode. So now we have our own show. We've passed whatever requirements we needed to pass. What requirements are there? This is the radio. I was under the impression it was sink or swim that the first episode was going to determine the future viability of you and I. Not really. No, no, you were under no pressure. Is this a vote of confidence by any interpretation? Nobody.

1:26Nobody is as I've run this up the flagpole at Sirius. And they said we don't have a flagpole and we're not taking your call. How does this compare the launch of this show? How would this compare, let's say, to the launch of your late night show? 30 years ago now. Yeah. Or any of your new projects, even your Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend podcast. Would this be comparable launch? Not at all. No, those were like massive battleships that, you know, you hit it with the champagne. They slide into the ocean. Then they have a storied career on the high seas defending England or America or whatever country manufactured the ship.

1:58This, I don't know, this is the emission of a little gas, maybe from like a broken down machine. But still, it's something that's happening. We have to respect it. What kind of promotional circuit can I expect? Will we be hitting the road? of spreading the word. No, no, no. We can't spread anything. Is there any kind of press release that I need to approve or anything like that? I don't even think we can afford that and I'm told they're free. So, no. And first of all, you've so far been just asking a series of questions and I've indulged you, but let me get a little bit of stuff out. Oh, you have an agenda.

2:29Okay, go ahead. Well, you don't have to announce everything. It's the Conan and Jordan show. It's the second episode. This is where you and I talk. And people do all the time ask me, how's Jordan doing? I want more Conan Jordan. You know that our videos are a massive hit on YouTube, various other sundry places, the websites. People love them. They can't get enough. They want more. Well, now we're giving them more. And what better way to experience us than while you're driving around, maybe in your rental car or at home listening to SiriusXM. This is the way to do it. People listen to the Conan O 'Brien channel.

3:07They want to hear this stuff, you know? So it's you and I together. How are you feeling about it? That's what you cut me off to get to. Yeah. I thought you had some bombshell you were going to drop. That's what you had to say. That's the information you had to spread. Yeah. I can't believe you had Billy Corgan on your podcast and you didn't ask him what he was chanting at the beginning of 1979. A question that's been confounding fans for decades on the forums. You had him right here. I did. I could have said, what were you chanting? But instead it was, oh, I'm a guitarist, too. Do you prefer a telecaster or a strato caster?

3:39You know, why didn't you ask him the question that people? It's just Stratocaster. It's not Stratocaster. Second of all. We just said the same thing. Second of all, I did ask him. We talked about it as he was getting into his car because the magic moments for me aren't captured. Okay. You greedily want me to spill that kind of stuff into a microphone. I walked Billy to his car. It was Acura and Massive Dent, the back bumper. and I asked him that question and he told me the answer but that's the kind of thing I can't share. You can listen to the isolated audio tracks on YouTube and you still can't figure it out.

4:22He would have told you it's not meant to be a secret. It's not like Quentin Tarantino not telling people it was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction. It just so happens he's never been asked. Now you had the opportunity to ask and finally put this to rest but instead you decided to stick to guitars. I asked him what I was interested in. And I also knew that he'd tell me when we walked him to his Acura. And he did. So I was satisfied. The internet is a great resource for many things. You could look up Beyonce's song lyrics to Lemonade and see, you know, a thousand renditions of it. But there are some songs, John Parr's St.

4:56Elmo's Fire, where there are not accurate depictions of the lyrics anywhere. Wait a minute. The song St. Elmo's Fire? Okay. Do you like that song? 1985, Man in Motion. St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr, which was secretly about differently abled people overcoming the odds, but under the guise of a teen movie as used in the movie. They were in their 20s. Don't anger me when people call people teens when they're 25, 26, sometimes some of them pushing 30. Emilio Estevez was 44 years old when he starred in that movie. You're a man that appreciates horns. Do you understand the horn work that David Foster put into that final chorus?

5:32yet nobody understands what the lyrics are. But I figured it out. I figured it out. Tell me the lyrics. No, you try to figure it out. I don't even know. I looked at the sheet music in the 80s and the sheet music had the wrong lyrics. I can't conjure the song. I can't conjure the song. I can see a new horizon underneath the blazing sky. Hold on. They changed the lyrics in the last chorus. That's the power. The lyrics are the same in the first and second, but the last one, he changes it up. But you can't understand what he's saying. I figured it out. I listened to that hundreds of times. Well, you cannot figure it out.

6:02Everything on the internet is wrong. Everything on the internet is wrong. A life well spent. Here we go. You got to get to the end. We're going to listen to this part first. Okay, this is, I remember this. First note is up cut. Famous production error. I think the year was 1985. I'm in the theater. Yeah, I just said that. Settle down. Thanks for, you're kind of revving. Oh, listen to those drums. Those are terrible. This driving, this driving beat, that was David Foster's signature, Night Ranger's Secret of My Success.

6:32Wait, why are we listening? I told you to get to the end. You like this song? This song is fantastic. This song gets the blood pumping. What are you talking about? Don't you hear that driving beat? It's like four on the floor, but you hear the hi-hat work. And it's that ostinato. You may think that, oh, it's repetitive, the drumbeat. I say it's ostinato, the Italian concept of persistence. That is a great musical technique. All right, we just got canceled. But they just let me know. Have you heard the end of Aerosmith's What It Takes? Where he's like, let it go, let it go. That's ostinato. So they cut that off for the single releases of this song.

7:03I'm going to ask you to do me a favor, Jordan. When I hold up my hand like this, you're going to have to stop talking. Because otherwise you just wash over me and you're a little out of control right now. We had a nice conversation going. And then you brought up this song, Man in Motion, the theme song for St. Elmo's Fire, which is a bullshit song. And then you... I want you to tell me what he's saying in the last chorus. Don't try to deflect, pivot, or otherwise change the subject. Don't slowly fade out the music. I don't care what he's saying in the last... I'm going to slowly fade out the music after we heard the inconsequential introduction based on the contents of this conversation.

7:33Oh, you say a great song? Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. You're saying that a great song has an inconsequential opening? That's not a great song. A great song, by definition, has a great beginning. How's your hearing? My hearing is perfect. Listen to the last chorus and tell me what he's saying. Or Google it. Take as much time as you need. Tell me what he's saying. I forgot that the universal sign of good hearing is being able to determine and remember the lyrics to man in motion. Use whatever resources you have at your disposal as an A-list celebrity to tell me the lyrics to the last chorus.

8:03Hey, you think I'm an A-lister? Tell me the lyrics to the last chorus. Listen, here we go.

8:09St. Elmo's Fire. I can climb the highest mountain. I can cross the wildest sea. This is easy. This is kids' play. Last chorus. It starts with, I could hear the music playing. there he just yelled i think he drops it it's you missed the last chorus okay because i don't care tell me what the last lyric no i'm not gonna i'm not going to tell you my hard work you're not going to benefit after ridiculing me you're not going to benefit from my hard listening work what i'm saying is also there are there are many lyrics for which no matter how many resources you have at your disposal short of contacting john parr by the way who's a philanthropist a british philanthropist.

8:47You will not be able to determine these lyrics. Icehouse is electric blue. He's a philanthropist, but he can't give his music away.

8:56Look at that face. Oh, man, you got served, owned. Jordan, you're a terrible person. And our time away from each other has been a salve for my tattered soul. We're together again because the public demands it. We have our own show and you completely commandeered it right up top to make us listen to that piece of mid-80s crap. What's the power balance on this show, if it is, in fact, ours? Well, let's take a look at the order of the names, the Conan and Jordan show. Huh. The size of the font is also... Yeah, big Conan and then sort of little scripted Jordan. I think you understand what the power balance is here.

9:34You're here because I allow you to be here. You live because I allow you to live. And maybe you're just someone that I imagine and you think you have a life, but the minute I stop thinking about you, you'll disappear. Fascinating. So let's talk. Man in Motion. I do encourage the listeners to try and discern the last part of the song because that's an important use of everyone's time. What will the listener take with them after listening to this radio program? They will take with them newfound knowledge, although you didn't allow the knowledge to be revealed, newfound knowledge of a great mystery of the internet.

10:09I think what people will take from this is a newfound hatred for you. If you ever have... They thought they hated you before, but now they're going to go look... Before it was, if I cross paths with Jordan, I'll smash his face. Now it's going to be, I've got to find out where that fucker is. And I need to take him out at the knees. That's what's going to be now. If you ever have Eddie Vedder on your show, I trust you will ask him what he's chanting at the beginning of WMA. It'd be the first thing out of my mouth. Okay. Okay? I promise it. I'll write it on my hand. Yeah. All right? Swear to God.

10:40Go ahead. Usually it's how are you? Yeah. I like to try and ease into it. Yeah, I understand. That makes people feel comfortable. Are you comfortable? Yeah. That's all. That's my technique. But as a robot, you would know that. You have your own techniques. Jordan, this is what we have to do. We have to do a quick commercial. The sponsor now is Lady Crackers. Oh, yes. Why don't you just give an ad for Lady Crackers right now and just make it up as you go? Lady Crackers Los Angeles olive oil and sea salt. Now, you're going to often find lesser quality oils used in many products, things like soybean oil.

11:09These are industrial oils. Then you'll find seed oils, sunflower, safflower. Rarely do you find a brand that's willing to go to the expense of providing a premium oil. Because frankly, most consumers don't understand what they're putting in their body. They shovel food in. They don't understand the quality of said food. Now you have a product that is using olive oil. One of the finest oils on earth. Can I just confirm? Can I confirm? Hold on, stop you for one second. Can I confirm? Frank, he had no idea what I was going to hand him. No idea. This is not written. There's no copy? There's no copy?

11:38This is absolutely, what are you doing? How are you able to do that? Well, the first thing I know, I look for a product made with olive oil and lack of seed oils or processed oils like canola, which is also called rapeseed, which people perceive because it has a high monounsaturated fat content. Did you say grapeseed? Rapeseed. Don't talk that way on this program. What are you talking about? That's awful. That's a piece of flora. Nevertheless, I look for products that don't use processed or seed oils. I like certain kinds of fats. I like olive oil, butter, or ghee. Coconut oil is fine. Let's get back to, you know, the sponsor's going to want to hear their product name and a little more about the product rather than a list of every oil that exists.

12:20Lady Crackers Los Angeles. Olive oil and sea salt premium. Very few ingredients, which is always a good thing. Would you like to taste one? Why don't you open it up and taste one? It's okay. Oh, could you please? I typically try to avoid... Yeah. It's okay. Would you please? Avoid, please. Yeah. Just open it. When I open a box like this, I don't, I like to keep these three tabs intact. Okay. Sometimes it's a challenge. I have to look. I believe that we're defined by what surrounds us aesthetically every day. I like a beautiful looking box to surround me. A box that I could picture you, especially if we're producing a program like this, ripping this thing.

12:53I would tear that. I would just tear it apart. But I like to open it delicately. Yeah. Stick it in your mouth. Yeah. Right. Just have the cracker, please. Yeah, I understand.

13:07yeah well uh what do you think not overly salted that's a good thing you know sometimes they put too much salt on as they put too much salt oh 340 milligrams that's a little high per serving i don't know how you define a serving size one ounce that's a sponsor jordan so just try and be positive about it is that to say that it's a perfect product who am i to who am i to assess this is the worst ad ever you can't just crunch what i'm saying is i i see a lot of if you're looking for a cracker, if I were looking for a cracker, if I found myself, a lot of people look for crackers in their daily lives.

13:39They feel like they want a cracker. If I wanted a cracker, I would certainly go for Lady and Larder. That's a fine pitch. I'm going to do you one better. Lady and Larder, I want a cracker at night and I want one with a clean crunch. That gives you that Lady and Larder crackle, the munch crunch that makes you happy a whole bunch. That's why, Lady and Larder. Lady and Larder, tear that box open, rip them tabs, and slam that cracker down your puss. And remember, if any crumbs go astray, use your tongue, get it outside your face, and lick them up. Keep that tongue outside your head. It's a good way to get those crumbs.

14:22Lady and Larder, now with more of the good stuff that you love, get it now. What do you think? Good ad? Well, you know, we have different approaches. Yeah. You talked in a very depressed way for a while. And I said, seems like kind of a high sodium content. In the end, we both appreciate lady crackers for different reasons. Yeah. You like the clean crunch. I like the lack of over-reliance on processed industrial oils. It's the clean crunch that gives you a munch and I love it a bunch. See the way it rhymes? People love that in an ad. They're not going to remember your sodium content quip. but they're going to remember mine do you have an idea for a jingle for this do you want to sing a little song about the company asked us to to sing a jingle can you please do the jingle i'm not one to sing but uh i could tell you i wrote a jingle for guinness beer once i entered a contest in 1996 and i believe i should have won so they may have this regularly you had to write a limerick you're familiar with the limerick oh that's racist but sure yeah and i have i live of the leprechaun.

15:27Okay. And I just ate a four-leaf clover for lunch. A limerick is a written work that follows a very specific syntax and rhyming structure, okay? Five lines, one, two, and five rhyme, and then three and four rhyme, okay? Guinness had a contest. Come up with a limerick, and the winner will get, maybe it was a trip to Ireland or something like this. So in 1996, I sent in a limerick, which I have to believe would have won. Do you remember it? I absolutely remember it. I can't wait to hear it. And the fact that it didn't win tells me that either they lost the mail or the right person didn't look at it.

15:58Right. What's the limerick? Okay, here's the limerick about Guinness beer. Across ire, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled to cold Guinness, hence the lad's pot of gold was that stout. You know what? That's good. Yeah, that is good. That's very good. I spent a long time on it. I hope you didn't spend too long on it. I want to know what was better than that. I'd like to know Guinness. In 1996, what was a better limerick than that to promote your product? I got no acknowledgement. There was an old man from Nantucket who wanted his young friend to suck it.

16:35He said, Guinness, I said. I didn't mean your head. And then the guy kicked the bucket. I just made that up. That's pretty good. And you know what? I spent no time on it. Yeah. And it's got something dirty in it, so everyone's going to remember it. Yeah, I feel mine is superior. OK, but the point is, you're still bitter that you lost that Guinness contest. Yeah, yes. What was the prize? I believe it was a trip to Ireland. I can't confirm. Wow, some prize. I don't drink beer myself. My family fled that place. Let's get out of here. There's nothing to eat. You're referring to the potato famine? No, my people fled in 1982.

17:20the line at burger king was too long we gotta get out of here let's get to brookline mass they flew over on aerolingus um aerolingus that'd be a funny and a limerick also dirty hey listen uh i thought you did a good job with the ad overall thanks this land yeah okay yeah you did a fine job um we're gonna take a little break when we return jordan and i will have a deep philosophical discussion don't touch that dial all right i'm going to move on to our next segment conan and jordan discuss a philosophical question uh frank why don't you tell us what you had in mind here so we're we're going to have a segment here called uh conan and jordan have a philosophical discussion okay jordan if if uh And Conan, if time travel were possible, would it be ethical?

18:19Well, I think we would redefine our ethics and morality to suit the emergence of new technology. I can't imagine many circumstances in human history where ethics have stopped the progress of technology, unfortunately. A lot of times conflicts are justification to develop technology. You look at nuclear technology, both fission and fusion. you know, originally fusion, and then later fission. Fusion, of course, you're taking two light elements and joining them, and fission, you're taking a heavy, like a uranium or a plutonium, and you're splitting it. Nevertheless, I can't think of situations where technology never advanced, at least to my knowledge, because of ethics and morality.

19:08Can I stop you before you get boring? Oh, wait, I'd need a time machine for that.

19:17I have to go back nine minutes ago to the start of your day.

19:26Blammo! You just got blammoed. My question would be, is sports betting allowed? If sports betting allowed, then definitely let's have that. Let's go back in time. I could clean up. Then you make a lot of money. Then you go back further in time. When land is really cheap, you go to Long Island and you say, hey there. 1680 farmer. What do you want for these nine acres on the ocean? These nine acres. Why, I would wish to have$6. $6, eh? Here's$16. Well, thank you. Yep. That's what you would do. Would you go backwards or forwards? If you had one shot, you'd go backwards. And what would you witness first?

20:07If you can only witness - I'd go to Ford Theater and I'd say, Hey, Abe, behind you. Yeah, I'd save Abraham Lincoln's life. But if you are just an observer and had no ability to change anything and you can witness one event, so you could pick the time and place and you can go back, would that be it? I mean, just as an intellectual curiosity. I would go back in time. You would go back to the assassination of Lincoln. Would you go back? Because Lincoln, there's no mystery. I don't want to have just one. No, if you had one or two, like, would you go to like the Kennedy assassination to uncover the mystery?

20:38Or would you go to something where there's certainty? or would you go back to the Jurassic period and look at a dinosaur? I've seen Jurassic Park and I think they probably got it right. Okay, so that doesn't interest you. So I don't need to see that. So would it be the Lincoln's? And I wouldn't go to the Roman times because I saw Gladiator and I think that's a good, I think most movies have pretty accurately depicted what those times were like. And I think if I go back in time, it's going to look like that only a little dirtier, like people's togas will be dirty. And I'll be like, ah, this sort of sucks.

21:05So I don't want to see that. Yeah. So nah, I don't want to see that stuff. I really just want to go to Ford's theater and go, hey, Abe, heads up. Because you know what? I'll tell you this. Abe Lincoln was 6 '4", my height, and a strong backwoodsman. He would have turned around. Booth was a relatively small guy and an actor. I've interviewed enough of them to know that they're pretty easy to take in a fight. So he would just clean Booth's clock. That would be fun. Abe would just be wailing on Booth. And then it would just turn into another failed assassination attempt, which there are many throughout American and world history and and wouldn't be as consequential as it was today.

21:44And in the end, you wouldn't have witnessed a momentous occasion. You would have just witnessed a closer to average occasion. I would have witnessed the ultimate beatdown. A. Blinken kicks the shit out of some little actor, takes his Derringer away and kicks the shit out of him, then throws him off the balcony. And then all the actors that are starring in the play, our American cousin starring Laura Keene, they all start kicking Booth. You see, you have me inside you. You know, sometimes you'll give me a straight answer and you have the facts as well. What you ridicule me for is really a reflection of yourself.