The Conan and Jordan Show – Painting The Barn

0:11Okay, if you've heard that annoying song, it means that you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show. I'm Conan O 'Brien. I'm joined by Jordan Schlansky. We chose that song, Jordan, because it's your favorite group and maybe your favorite song by that group? Not necessarily, but it is an excellent song. Maybe their archetypal song. Yeah. Why did you have to glance at the logo that said the Conan O 'Jordan show when you said the name of the show? Do you forget the name of it? You didn't know it either. If you play that back, you just said Conan O 'Jordan show. So you don't know it either. Maybe you should look at the screen next time.

0:50All right. You know, all right. If you're going to call me on the title of the show. Sure. You better have it right. Right. I looked at it because sometimes I need confirmation that I agreed to do this. I see. And there it is. OK. And it's got a lot of your favorite things. A Vespa. I can't even identify some of them. I understand the pizza, the wine, the grapes, the Vespa. Is that a lemon behind the meatballs? What's the yellow thing? Oh, those are meat. I didn't know what those were. That looks like orange chicken. That looks like General Chow's chicken. That's what I thought it was. And I thought, I didn't know you loved General Chow's chicken.

1:23I think so. I think Frank told me it was meatballs, but I still don't know. Is that a lemon coming from behind the meatballs? I honestly don't know what that is. Okay. I never had the graphic expression. I think it's a duma. Jordan? Yes. People, I don't want to say they enjoy our chemistry. Okay. There's no proof that that's the case. Right. But we do have a chemical reaction between us, which is quite unusual. I've never had a relationship with anyone in my entire life. I've met kings, queens, courtesans. I've never met anybody quite like you. You're an unusual fellow. We fight, we bicker, but I think beneath it all, we really do hate each other.

2:04And there's no other show like this. People love our interactions. Whenever I walk around in the world, people say, hey, where's Jordan? How's he doing? Is he for real? That's when I get a lot. Is he for real? And I'm not sure. you might be a hallucination this could be like the end of fight club where i realized you never existed or maybe i don't exist and you're imagining me uh it's one of those things it's a real mind blower one of us is imagining the other or maybe neither of us is imagining no one anyway that was a lot of a lot of what we call filler in the business he has a clip oh jordan jordan brought a clip with him today okay you brought a clip i did okay yeah i spotted a paparazzo video of you you are in fact an a-list celebrity and from time to time yeah from time to time you're confronted by paparazzi out in the world and i saw this one um a while ago and you're look you're in new york city walking by what i assume might be central park south somewhere in the vicinity of central that is central park south central park south 59th street for those that are unfamiliar earlier you see this paparazzo standing there paparazzi yeah and um and you know in that moment uh you're not he's not even asking you a question the question becomes in your mind what do you do how do you handle how do you react and and the way i interpret it is you make a conscious decision okay i see this paparazzo there nothing new must happen frequently i'm just going to continue walking going about my day right but your brain is very conscious of the fact that now you're deliberately walking with with purpose.

3:43Now, listen, you're a man with good posture. I myself am not. And I've always appreciated that about you. You stand very erect. OK, now a lot of taller people have a problem with good posture because they feel insecure about their height and they're even subconsciously trying to shrink down a bit. But you you own it. I've always appreciated that. Now, in this particular moment, and I've seen you walk many times over many years in this particular moment, I'm convinced that your mind is so deliberate about I'm going to walk confidently you pass the camera, you start, you're coming at him and you pass.

4:14And then there's a shot of your ass walking away and your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side because you're, you're walking with such purpose. Now, listen, you have a high rider. You always have your ass. If one were to categorize different asses, they do fall into general. Everyone has a unique ass. I'm not trying to diminish anybody's uniqueness, but what I'm saying is there are general categories and And yours is you'll call your ass flat. But to me, the flatness is not the most significant characteristic. You have a high rider. It rides high up on your legs and that has a very specific look.

4:48And when you're walking away from this man's camera with such confidence, such deliberate confidence, your ass cheeks are gyrating from side to side. It's a saunter. It is the perfect representation of a saunter. And in that moment, I don't know if you were feeling a sexuality in you, in your confidence, But I'm telling you, your ass and your pants are very form fitting as well. I remember the days when as a tall man, you found it hard to buy jeans that were long enough. And and then you found a guy to start custom making your jeans and your pants are so well fitted now. They're really hugging those ass cheeks.

5:23And and I just think it's remarkable. I think we should acknowledge your ass, the behavior of your ass as you're walking away from camera in this paparazzo video. Would you like that to go on any longer before I interrupt you or are you done? I said what I needed to say. Okay. I don't recall this. In general, it looks like it's springtime, maybe fall. Who can say? Maybe about 49 weeks ago. Somewhere around May 17th, 2024. Okay. I'm guessing there's a date on this. Yeah. Yeah. And we live in an era now where people have cameras out all the time. They have, there's paparazzo cameras, but there's also just people with iPhones, whatever.

6:10So you get less self-conscious about it over time. I think, I don't think I'm that much affected by this person. You're saying you would be walking like, again, you haven't seen this footage. Oh, but I know how I walk. You lived it. Look, here's what I'll tell you. You've walked with me. I walk very quickly. I walk with purpose. I do have very good posture. None other than Steve Martin once in a note to me, talked to me about my posture. Fascinating. And said, pointed out that my posture was so good that it distracted him from whatever I was saying. Meaning that he thought my posture was much more impressive than my comedy.

6:53uh and um i do think it's possible that i'm trying to this is my way of coming on to whoever's uh photographing me that maybe i'm putting a little english on the ass i think you are i've never seen your ass move like this and i've seen your ass move many times and you're you're you keep an eye on my ass it presents itself to me i'm not looking for it and i'm not looking away from it. My ass presents itself to you. Yes, it presents itself to me in certain situations. I never expect it to, but sometimes there it is. Like I say, I don't turn toward or away. If it falls into my field of vision, if I'm looking this way and your ass moves there, I'm not going to look away from it.

7:31You're saying much like a baboon. I use my ass to attract you. You know what? A baboon is a perfect analogy. And a baboon, when a baboon's ass becomes quite red, they present it yeah and presenting the ass is maybe the most primordial yeah form yeah of a sexual come on yeah i honestly don't think you meant to be sexual but i've never seen your ass move like this and i know you were working you were walking with a determined sense of confidence and and it it manifested in your ass cheeks gyrating from left to right okay should we look at it roll the tape sure how's it going good to see you yeah good to see you too i don't see a lot of gyrating going on there do you see how like there is that see there are two diagonal creases primary diagonal creases eduardo do you want to jump in do you see a lot of undulation of ass i don't know what to say uh you can say whatever no i just see a normal person walking yeah i don't see i don't see what you see okay so there are two diagonal creases primary diagonal creases in the pants and as you walk you know what this is this is this is the zapruder film i would have to see the opposite of that to be able to compare you can identify the variable can i say something this is the zapruder film meaning uh a lone assassin theorist like myself looks at it and goes yeah that's oswald getting off three shots and two of them hit yeah but you show the exact same footage to a conspiracy theorist and they see 15 gunshots and people with arrows and parachutists and all kinds of stuff.

9:13I, uh, I don't know how not to walk like that. You know, I don't know how to, for that not to happen, for one buttock not to be moving independently of the other, you would have to sew my buttocks shut and I would have to be on some kind of electric scooter where my legs are immobile. Yeah. That's the only way you could achieve the non undulation. Yeah. That's the only way that could happen. I have confidence in my observational skills and I'm familiar with your ass. I don't. You say you're familiar with my ass. Obviously something jumped out at me about this particular way your ass was moving.

9:52I immediately sent it to Frank. Okay. I'm going to stand. Okay. You can take the headphones off. Well, I want to keep them on just so I can hear. All right. It's me wearing. So, yeah. All right. So I'm walking. Yeah. Now you have me. Yeah. Mike, that's what I'm talking about. You see, I didn't see. I didn't see the, you see these two diagonal creases right here. I, and they have a, I didn't see that until you started sticking your ass out right now. When you first started doing it, I just saw a big blob of fabric. Was this an excuse to touch me? You didn't need to touch me. You just touched the back of my hands.

10:25That's how they do it at the TSA. That's not, that doesn't count. The front of the hands counts. The back of the hands doesn't count. Look at his maniacal puts. No, that's how they do it at the TSA. Look at his maniacal puts. Whenever you start to lose it, you get crazy eyes. You get crazy eyes. Oh, so you go on a subway and you take the backs of your hands and you touch women's asses and then say, hey, TSA, TSA, TSA in the USA, that's what you do? I am telling you, it is very asexual to touch anything with the back of your hands. That's not true. I think some of the most erotic moments of my life have been with the back of my hands.

11:00What are you talking about? How would you ever in a sexual situation use the back of your hand? What are you talking about? I use the back of my hands all the time in a sexual way. It's counterintuitive. You haven't done that? No, there's nothing you can do to anything. It's called painting the house. What you do is you brush the woman or I'm gonna say, listen, we live in a culture where it could be a woman, a guy on guy, whatever. It doesn't matter to be woman on woman, you know. What I'm saying is I have often used that motion. I've often used the back of my hand. The difference between the front of the hand and the back of the hand is immense.

11:33Not true. It's not subtle. It is not subtle. Old wives' tale. There's more nerve endings on the back of your hand. No, that's ridiculous. And guess what? Just the psychological? The most erogenous zone, and this is a true fact, it was in Men's Health three months ago, look it up. Yeah. Ryan Reynolds is on the cover, is the back of the hand and the knuckles are the most erogenous zone on the body, more so than any other part of the body. True story. Can you imagine if you were gifted a sexual experience with someone you were incredibly attracted to? Bridget Bardot, 1958. 1958. But the rule was you could only use the back of your hands.

12:07That would be my request. That would be my request. You cannot do anything you want with the back of your hands. My request. What a horrible, frustrating way to leave somebody hanging. That's not true. What are you talking about? You've never even tried it. No, what are you talking about? You haven't tried it. Of course I haven't tried it. Why would I waste a sexual experience? How do you know what you're talking about? but you're missing out on the greatest sexual high is using the erogenous zone. No. The primary erogenous zones of the body are the left and right back of hands. And do you know that the knuckles, the knuckles were thought of by the Greeks as the center of eroticism.

12:41Do you know what ruined orgasms are? Do you know this sexual genre? What's it called? Ruined orgasms. You mean ruined? Yeah, ruined. You just said ruined. That's the same thing. Are you losing your mind? Look at your eyebrows. Forget about ruined. Hey, Riddler, your eyebrows are going off the charts. Listen to me. Do you know about ruined orgasms? It's a sexual fetish. Do you understand? It's when you, it's when, I want to say this in a tasteful way. When someone is going to have an orgasm. Yeah. But at the critical moment, the sexual stimulation stops. Yes. Now it's too late to stop the orgasm, but you're not enjoying the orgasm.

13:20But people love that. To me. What do you mean they love it? Who loves it? I'm saying people are into it. And it's called, can I say it the correct way? Ruin. Ruins orgasm. Is that a New York thing when you say ruined? I don't know. That's the way I say it. Ruins. I've never said ruined. I'm from New York. I have a problem. But what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, that to me is another untapped sexual genre of you can be with anyone you want. You can do anything you want. Like a woman says, take me. Do whatever you want, but only use the back of your hand. Yeah. That's incredibly frustrating.

13:53That's like you ruined the experience. Well, I more think you ruined it. But I disagree with you. And I think you're berating something you haven't tried. And I suggest that you go home tonight, talk about it with your wife, and say that you want to paint the barn. And that's using the back of the hands. And just try it. But I don't see you've read into this Conan paparazzi footage of me walking. And it's nonsense. It's nonsensical. and I think I'm glad that Eduardo spoke up. There's no there there. You're seeing, you're lost in a mystical world of my ass and you can't find your way out. You're seeing things that aren't there.

14:32Like any great piece of media or art, we're all allowed our own interpretations. Eduardo, I appreciate the way he sees it. I appreciate the way I see it. Okay. If you ever touch me again, the front or back of hand, I'll pound you. Okay. Yes. I'll pound your face to clay. Understood. Okay. Yeah. Never do that. or you ask first with the TSA it's understood that this is going to happen how would I have asked you would have said may I now touch you okay and I've said no okay I should have said that yeah I don't disagree

15:09as you know the new season Max travel series Conan O 'Brien must go it's coming out season number two yes and we are uh be three episodes and uh you are a part of that journey um i i people love the fans love it when you come along and make an appearance uh we went to austria together yes this is going to be seen by people i don't know exactly when this drops but i'm assuming it's it's out because it's coming out very soon uh and people can watch it it was a lot of fun did you enjoy austria i Yes, I love... Do you call it Austria or do you call it Austerlitz? Österreich. Pardon me? Österreich.

15:50You okay? Yeah. Gesundheit. Thank you. I did. I had a great time. You and I had many moments even off camera. I do believe that these experiences bring two human souls closer together. They give us... They put us in a situation where we flourish long after the trip has ended. Yeah. um it's funny how you always need to point out that we are human beings it's completely it's that's just wasted verbiage that's packing peanuts well it's perspective i like to give perspective and i speak the way i speak you may not understand all my motivations but they are very deliberate i like to paint a picture you know we we are looking down on ourselves in that moment we are human trust me i am looking down on you right now okay uh jordan um we went to uh vienna yeah i had not been to vienna before what a beautiful city yeah incredible and you're a man of many tastes uh you appreciate different cultures and vienna i saw you really come alive in vienna oh yeah um and i i wish i hadn't but i did you were uh you love your wiener schnitzel yes i do and you had wiener schnitzel every night i did yeah and you wanted to try the wiener schnitzel in every restaurant that's right um it is a uh i don't know how else to say it it's a chicken McNugget.

17:09It's a chicken McNugget that's been pounded a little flatter. It's neither chicken nor a nugget. It is basically a breaded, um, piece of white meat. Um, whether, whether it's veal or chicken, they make both. I'll allow it. But, uh, thank you, your honor. Yeah. Appreciate it. Um, but it was quite good, but I found that by like night three, I was yearning for anything. you were this is no exaggeration you kept saying the the waiter would come and you would say i'll have your wiener schnitzel sir and they would say oh they'd click their heels and i was just like give me anything else at this point you you're 100 correct and i would have thought that fried meat is right up your alley and it is it was for a day or two for no for three days in a row and like by the fourth day.

18:05Yeah. I wanted someone to use that device that's in No Country for Old Men. Oh, yeah. That Javier Bardem has. It puts a bolt in your brain. Right. I was done. Yeah. I was done with it. They also not a lot of vegetables. Yeah, that's correct. Yeah. What happened with the vegetables? Did they did the vegetables flee Germany at some point? Yeah. Well, they what they consider to be vegetables or potatoes, which, of course, is a starchy vegetable, doesn't give me the fiber I'm looking for. I'm deliberately looking for fiber. You talk about this a lot. Fiber is important to you. It's incredibly important.

18:38There's a food to me. The secret to eating healthy is combining foods. It's not what you eat. It's what you eat together. Ah. Okay. So for me, there are three components of every meal and every snack. I'm going to pretend to find this interesting. Yes, go ahead, please. Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber. Wow. This is some new theory you've come up with. This is the way I live my life. Protein, carbohydrates, and fiber. Yeah. That's the way I live my life. That's everything. That's absolutely not everything. That means you're going to have a meat, you're going to have a starch, a meat or a fish, a starch, and then a vegetable.

19:04And the vegetable is where I found it challenged in Oosterreich. I think we get a little spoiled here in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, we have an abundanza, if you will, fruits, oranges. I mean, anything you want. Yeah. It's at your nearest Whole Foods. Yeah. There, am I correct? Well, I've traveled the world. And you have to understand, too, that... That doesn't sound pompous at all, by the way. No, no, I have traveled the world and I'm not only coming from a frame of reference of Los Angeles. I realize that there are many cultures they all eat differently. But you have to remember Austria, while Vienna is not in the mountains per se, Austria is a mountainous culture.

19:41And the food of the mountains is typically meat and potatoes. Okay. That doesn't surprise me. So you get your fiber. So things are regular. Things move along. The trains move on time with you. One of many reasons to include fiber. Not the only reason. Okay. You said something interesting to me. Yeah. You watched me when we were getting on the plane. I think maybe coming back from Austria. and you said to me this is true everybody you walked up to me and you said i watch you do you remember this i i'm surprised you remember it but i i you said i watch you i i just i put my stuff in the overhead compartment yes click it shut i take my book out and my laptop and my journal and put it down and then sit down and you came up to me and he said i you said i watch you I watched your, you said, your motions and your movements.

20:29Yes. And then you had a point. What was the point? The point was, well, there's even a larger point, which I've never expressed to you. You said that I move with great. With great. You move with grace and dignity. He said this to me. He walked up to me. And literally, people around me are opening little bags of peanuts or asking for that. And everyone, people were listening. to see this guy come up to me um and you know obviously i was i hate to say obviously but kindly hbo max had flown me first class i believe you were down where the wheel well of the plane was and you climbed up through a hatch um they wouldn't even let you in economy sure um but you've been just clinging to the wheel well because when they retract the wheel sometimes you fall out into the ocean, but you've been rescued.

21:20But anyway, you came up to me and you said, I watch you. So you had been watching me and you thought that my movements were beautiful. Yeah. I admire you. I go through phases in my life where I get really into something and then it kind of passes. And then maybe a few years later, it rushes like that. Sometimes I'm listening to Rush all the time and I'm obsessed and I start watching a little bit. And then a few years go by and I don't listen. Same thing with my feelings about you. Sometimes I'm indifferent and there'll be a year or two where I'm completely indifferent. And then there are some times where I really feel a deep, intense admiration for you.

21:58And I don't know if it's saying more about you in that moment or me in that moment, but this is one of those moments. And I'm in the midst of it right now where I just admire you for so many reasons. You've had many career based successes, even in the past year, especially. But through it all, you've maintained this grace and dignity and approachability that is just astounding to see. And I watch you when we get separated a bit. I watch you interact with other people and it's just stunning to me. And I'm proud to know you. I find myself inspired and I feel like I can learn a lot, not from necessarily what you say, but just how you conduct yourself.

22:39It's great to have someone like that in your life. That's first of all, I do appreciate you saying that. But I remembered you specifically honing in on this boring. You want to get you want to get to something? No, no, no, no, no. First of all, I just exposed myself and you're like, OK, that's great. Tell me what I want to know. What I took in what you said and I appreciate it. But what I want to hone in on is it almost felt like you had watched me just you said humility. Yes. And that you had just watched me put my stuff in the overhead compartment. And I thought, that's it. I just put some stuff in an overhead compartment.

23:17And you were talking like you had seen Gandhi, you know, bathe the feet of a leper. And I thought, I appreciate all of this. I really do, Jordan. And we've been together a long time and I appreciate you saying that. And I do take it in. But I thought it was, I'm sitting down in this nice airplane seat and I just put my stuff in the overhead compartment and you talked to me as if uh christ had just raised lazarus yeah and that that felt i have to say a little out of place okay i understand you think like that but what i'm saying is yes you put your your bag in the overhead compartment you sat you had a window seat you had your glasses on and your hair was all messy and frazzled and you leaned your head against the window i think someone said something to you and you responded very politely and i and i remember just thinking like and i have thoughts i have deep thoughts in my head chaotic anyone who says I have deep thoughts doesn't have deep thoughts.

24:08Einstein didn't go around saying, I have deep thoughts. People, real thinkers don't tell people I'm thinking. Well, guess what? I'm a thinker and I'm telling you that I'm a thinker. Okay. So there I broke the mold. But listen, what I'm saying is you can see the video when you lose it, your eyebrows become a madman. I found it. I found it. Okay. Maybe you have it backwards. When I find it, my eyebrows react accordingly. So I witnessed you and I admired you in that moment. And I felt that I needed to tell you, even though I understand that to a normal human being, these kinds of human being and gesture to me, these kinds of sentiments, Eduardo, am I a normal human being in any way?

24:47No, no. There's never been anybody like me. No, you're a guy. Grace and humility. You're a guy that would you know how I know you're a normal human being because you would do well in. Do you know what the Jennifer Hudson spirit tunnel is? I don't know what's happening. You know, that Jennifer Hudson, she has a show. And when the guests go to the show, the entire staff is like cheering and dancing as they walk through the hallway and they dance too. And it shows what kind of person, what kind of brain you're dealing with. Because some people flourish in those environments. They're dancing and they're moving and they're so natural.

25:18And then some people walk through completely awkwardly. And that would be I would be the second. But you would be the first. You would like embrace. I don't know that I'm ready for the Jennifer. The spirit tunnel. No, I'm saying you would do well. And some people, it's a little cringeworthy to watch. And look, so this is the guests have to walk through this. The guests to get to the studio and they put it on social media. It's a whole thing. I've not been asked to be on Jennifer Hudson's show and I like Jennifer Hudson. I admire her, but I don't think I could ever walk through a tunnel of people cheering me on.

25:46It's a barometer for what kind of brains does this person have? How comfortable are they in their own skin? You are very comfortable in your own skin. But I don't think I'd be comfortable in the Jennifer Hudson spirit. I think you'd be very comfortable. Yeah, show me the, Eduardo, thank you. Here's Kevin Hart. Here's Kevin Hart. Okay, yeah, he'll be a good one. Well, if anyone was built for the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel, it's Kevin Hart. This is what you want. I like it. This is what you want. I like it. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. We're gonna start. Hey. Party gonna start. Hey.

26:13We're gonna start. Oh, I see. We're gonna start. Hey. Party gonna start. We're gonna start. Now, you can handle it however you want. People do different things. We're gonna show some love.

26:29So you would do well. You were probably already envisioning how you'd handle it. And I would do horribly. This is the staff? Yeah, this is the staff. And they write a song that I think has significance to that particular person.

26:44Hey, you know what's interesting? How does she have any time to interview people? This is incredible. This is 45 minutes. And it's still going. Wow. That is incredible. I saw Kevin Hart age during that. He had a beard when it was over that he did not have at the beginning. Yeah, I can handle that. Yeah. I can handle that. Let's see what it looks like. Conan O 'Brien. Yeah, see, that's it. That's it. Conan O 'Brien. That's it. Conan O 'Brien. Conan O 'Brien. Conan O 'Brien. Yeah, I do that for a while. Yeah, yeah. And I do some pushups. That's how I, yes. I would - You take it to the next level.