The Conan and Jordan Show — Show and Tell

0:14Okay, well, if you're hearing that classic tune, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show. and uh this is a show where i conan o 'brien sit with uh well there's no other better way to say it my nemesis my foe someone who over the years uh has irritated me to an incredible degree mr jordan schlansky hi um did you is your microphone on i'm not qualified to answer that question it's not on it's not on it's so funny i just thought wow he really has no personality I couldn't hear you. Let's try it again. Say hi. Hi. You got to leave that in. It's just too good. Now I hear you and I prefer it the other way.

0:59Listen, Eduardo, it's not your fault. A lot of sound engineers forget to turn on one of two mics. I'm not sorry. We're also joined by Frank Smiley, who's here to help us out, navigate these waters and maybe intervene if a fist fight should break out. That's right. You know, Jordan, how many years have we been together? approximately 30. Approximately 30 years. You came to work for me as a very young man and frittered your life away. Sure. You have bilked me an incredible amount of money. I don't know what you do. We've never quite figured out what your task was on the old late night show or now.

1:37Did you say I've bilked you money or I've milked you? Bilked. Bilked. Bilked. B-I-L-K-E-D. as in Sergeant Bilko, as in built him. I took him for a ride. I squeezed him for cash. So built is like milked, not built. I didn't build you money. I didn't build. I didn't help you build an empire. No one said you'd build anything like the second employee of Apple in 1976. It's a multi-billionaire because they got it in a time where Apple wasn't a sure thing. They were risking their potential future. They could have chosen Saturday Night Live when they were offered an internship on one of two shows. But they took the one that was on 13 week renewals.

2:13Now, you know, in that situation, like if you look at the tech, the history of the tech companies, the secretaries at Apple and Microsoft are now billionaires. Now, I kind of equate myself to that type of situation. I came in in the early days. There were no guarantees. It was a little bit rough. And I expect at this point, 30 years later, I would be sitting pretty on a pile of cash. Well, first of all, that's your doing, not mine. You've been paid a salary since almost day one. Is there a way I can turn him down a bit? The other one on your on your left thigh. Yeah, it's just, it's awful. You had another guest in here at the same volume.

2:48What was the problem there? That was someone I respected. That was Tracy Ellis Ross. She's fantastic. Your other thigh. Why is the button? Why is this goddamn? Oh, oh, oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. I said your left thigh. Why did you even have it in the same room? Why didn't you put the switch? You know, speaking of Tracy Ellis Ross, she asked you about bar soap or liquid soap. You neglected to mention the most important factor in that question, the pH level. You see, liquid soap is often a detergent. Sometimes it's actually a soap, that is to say a saponified fat. But often it's a detergent, which has a lower pH closer to that of your skin naturally.

3:22The problem with soap is that it disrupts the acid mantle of the skin. Well, listen, you are referencing a podcast interview. You referenced it. I supported your train of thought. All I mentioned was Tracee Ellis Ross, the previous person here. All I mentioned is an aspect of the Tracee Ellis Ross interview. Right, which no one listening to this right now on SXM has probably listened to yet. So everything you're doing right now is just babbling like a chimp. You're babbling like a chimp about various liquefied fats. Jordan, let's stick to the basics, okay? You've come in very hot. All I'm trying to say is you and I have known each other for 30 years.

3:59I've supported you. I've paid your salary. I haven't become a multimillionaire despite getting in at the early days when I could have lost my job at any point, but still stuck with you through thick and thin. So you're saying that anyone who performed even the most negligible task on Late Night with Conan O 'Brien 30 years ago should be a billionaire. I'm saying Steve Jobs secretary can buy this entire complex. Well, I prefer the term. I prefer the term assistant. Yes. You say, hey, stewardess, get over here and give me some of those bag nuts. At the time, she was probably referred to as a secretary.

4:34Nevertheless, I expect that there might be some kind of financial sense of accomplishment as opposed to my. Well, guess what? This is your big reward. Yes. Of all the people who started interning with me way back in whatever, 1995, 96. I think as I look around, you're the only one that has your own show with Conan O 'Brien on SXM. so shut up shut up kind of like a trumpy voice shut up you're fired you know that kind of trump thing you're fired right right isn't that a funny impression uh i'm just saying that you're sitting here now yeah you are one half of uh a show that's on sxm and you should be grateful for that yeah i am do you see other interns that you started with the other interns you started with are all dead or in jail.

5:27You're here with your own show on the Sirius XM dial. Okay. Okay. Yes. So just settle down. Sure. Now I do want to talk to you about something kind of exciting. Okay. You mentioned on a previous episode of the Conan and Jordan show, I just keep looking over at the graphic to make sure this is really happening because this is a nightmare for me. You mentioned earlier that you had once entered a Guinness contest. That's true. Where you write a limerick. I wrote a limerick. I'm saying you mentioned at the time. And so that's why I was using the past tense. I was talking about what you did do. If I was in the process of writing it at this very moment, then you could say you write a limerick.

6:08Any other context, I wrote a limerick, yes, back in the 90s. I very much wish I had a firearm, but that's beside the point. You, if I'm not mistaken, and said that you entered this contest. And at that time, you wrote a limerick. I did. As part of the contest. You liked your limerick. And I remember thinking, that's a pretty good limerick. Do you want to repeat it for us? Oh, yes. Well, for those unfamiliar with the concept of a limerick, it's a specific Irish. No need. You can just say it. Across Eyre, a young traveler set out on a quest to find fortune, no doubt. As he strolled into Ennis, he was pulled to cold Guinness.

6:45Hence, the lad's pot of gold was that stout. That's fantastic. I think that's very good. I'm serious. That is a very good. You entered it and you did not win. And what was the prize? Well, I don't remember exactly. I believe it may have been a trip to Ireland. I've never been to Ireland. I'd love to go to Ireland. It was actually a pub. A pub. A pub in Ireland. You get to own a pub. Even better. And can you imagine owning a pub? I was just there. Owning a pub in Ireland would be just amazing. Right. Fantastic. It could be a dream. that's like having a you know an airbnb on the water in maine that's just like a quintessential wonderful experience you entered and you did not win is that correct i was never notified about any development one way or the other well i have the information here okay and the winner the 1996 that's when you entered somewhere around the guinness essay contest winner was shan weston from Friday Harbor, Washington.

7:42I don't know Friday Harbor. Of course, my wife is from Washington. Of course. I think near the San Juan Islands. Near the San Juan Islands, which I'm quite familiar with. I've been there with my bride. A great wine in Washington State, by the way. Let's just stay on track. Retired wildlife education coordinator, she won. She entered the contest and she won the Shonakee Pub in County Clare. She won a pub. Oh, well, there's a picture of something. She is. Oh, yeah. She won the contest that you failed to win. Mm-hmm. And 55 ,000 people in the United States entered the contest. And she won. Okay. Not you.

8:22By the way, you didn't need to write a limerick. The contest was actually 50 words or less. I think you may be referring to a similar contest in an adjacent year. Nevertheless. This is the same year, 1996. I believe there was an essay one year and maybe a limerick. there was definitely a limerick involved. Well, you chose to write a limerick. I spoke to the people at Guinness and they informed me that it was. It was your choice to do a limerick and a limerick was not required. Listen to me. There's a marketing team at Guinness. I'm sure there are a bunch of 30 somethings and they get wind of this and they talk to each other.

8:54Is this true? Is this true? Well, ask Ron. He's the old time around here. He was back here in the 90s and they go to Ron and Ron's, you know, kind of moved up the ladder a little bit, but never really achieved greatness at the company to the point where he could retire. So they ask Ron, was there a thing? and he's like, yeah, there's something about an essay and they look up the essay and maybe the essay was 96 and mine was 95. Jordan, you don't - I would never choose to write a limerick if I could have written an essay. I don't want to be confined to very few words. You're not remembering correctly, which is probably a problem that you have in general.

9:22There was a contest for a limerick. It was specifically a limerick. Do I look like someone that would just decide to write a limerick? Frank, well, first of all, you look like a lot of things and it's all encompassing. Frank, you've done the research on this and you've talked to Guinness And they said that the contest that Jordan entered, it did not have to be a limerick. No. 50 words or less. Guinness is. Yeah. Guinness is. And you decided to write a limerick. My limerick had nothing to do with Guinness is. I'm telling you, these were two separate contests. They had a thing. They went through a period where like every year they had a contest and there was a prize.

9:56Nevertheless, it's the same. It's the same intent. You write. You use your creative literary skills to blood. You're yelling. You're yelling. Okay. You're yelling. And I want you to take it down. I'm just saying I was not in direct competition with this woman, but we are compatriots. We are counterparts. Maybe one year apart. Okay. Anyway, Guinness, I'm sure they're going to rescind this once they hear your insane rant, but Guinness did respond to your limerick. Okay. They got back to us with their own limerick. Oh. And here's how it goes. There once was a man who loved Guinness. He entered a competition feeling ambitious.

10:33still upset he didn't win with 30 years in the bin jordan please accept a pint as forgiveness and guinness has sent guinness over for everyone at larchmont that's our company here to enjoy and so jordan you didn't win but i'm getting a free guinness which is oh yes and um i don't know why frank's getting one what the fuck did he do well it's important um i set this up you did yeah uh this is by the way your your 30 year grudge yeah has uh actually you're pouring that wrong and it's making me crazy i took a guinness pouring class and you're doing that all wrong it's making me insane anyway anyway that's okay that's all right i don't have a glass because you only look after number one oh you have a glass you just didn't want to share it with me that's great um when i said that was all sarcastic i don't really think it's right you know uh i take your point about taking a pouring class because there is a very specific way to do it there are YouTube videos of bartenders kind of trolling customers and pouring it the wrong way.

11:30And it's fascinating to see people know how much head's supposed to be on there. Not too little, not too much. Nevertheless, I don't drink beer myself, but I appreciate - I'm not going to touch that line with a 30-foot pole. I appreciate the sentiment, even if the second line in the limerick had a meter that was slightly too verbose. Can I just say one thing? You're supposed to imagine there's usually a harp on any Guinness glass and you imagine on the first pour uh you get it you angle it you hit the side of the glass and you go up to the harp and then you wait for the head to settle because these are from cans it's not quite the same experience but then you finish it up and i'll do that in just a minute um jordan you didn't win but we got our free guinness which is nice yeah and i think they just if i'm not wrong guinness we just talked about guinness for about 15 minutes and we were each paid one can of Guinness, which makes Guinness really smart and us incredibly stupid.

12:27So I'm not getting a trip to Ireland. How do you know I haven't been paid off? Frank, very possible that you had us talk about Guinness for a really long time because there's going to be Frank Smiley's pub in the town of Billy Galilly on the coast of Gali Bilali. So I wouldn't put anything past him. Right. Nice. Creamy. Oh my God. How come you're not drinking any guests? I told you I don't drink beer. And frankly, while I appreciate the sentiment. I see now why you lost the contest. As a beer hater. Well, here I am with my limerick about Guinness. Known beer hater, Jordan Schlansky. Yeah. I once tasted something I hated.

13:12And then I knew I was fated. And then there's rest, you know, to lose the contest. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, you're liking the beer was not a qualification of entry. All I'm saying is, look, I appreciate the sentiment. This is a nice PR story, but let's look at the facts. I did not get a trip to Ireland. I just certainly did not get a pub in Ireland. I got one can of a beverage that I don't even drink. And in addition to the effort that I put in 30 years ago, you have, as you mentioned, advertised the product quite extravagantly. Nevertheless, I see four cans of this beverage on the table in return.

13:49I took mine off the table when I realized we weren't getting paid for this. Frank, who probably is getting a pub, has kept his can on the table. You should take yours off because you're getting nothing out of this. I didn't know you could win a pub. Yeah, win a pub. That's so cool. Sounds a little bit like a headache though. Not at all. No, no, no. There's never any problems in an Irish pub. All right.

14:14we're going to take a little break okay we'll come back with more of the the Conan and Jordan show and we're going to have show and tell we're going to have show and tell oh that'll be interesting show and tell okay

14:43Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We have a little segment here. This is called Jordan Show and Tell, where you brought something into the studio that has some resonance for you. And you want to show it to us? Yeah, I was asked to bring in a product that I identify with or that I believe in. Now, I'll start by saying that I try to buy very few products in my life. I believe that we can live minimally. But the products that I do buy, I want them to be of a very high quality. I want them to have something special about them. And then I have to buy fewer products going forward because they last longer.

15:17Now, life used to be simple 25 years ago, okay? if you wanted to buy a nose hair trimmer in the United States, you may have bought the Panasonic ER409. This is my own unit from about 25 years ago. So this, let me explain to the viewer. You've just handed me what looks like a very small vibrator. Okay. And it's a Panasonic. Yeah. And this is from the 90s, 2000s? Sure. I don't have the exact lineage of it, but that's about the time I started trimming my nose hair. I can't tell you if it started growing in then or if I just became aware of it then. But this is a relic. This is an ancient relic. If you look on the bottom, you'll see that it's made in Japan, of course, Panasonic's headquarters.

15:57I never thought much about nose trimmers, but I didn't have to. I simply trimmed my nose hair with that. And you can trim ear hair as well if you choose. And that was the end of it. It was a successful operation. Yes. And then the operation was a success. The operation was a success. And then this product was damaged. I may have dropped it. I don't remember. It may have just failed due to its age. Nevertheless, if it was around you for 20 years, it probably killed itself.

16:27To cut a tiny little gun and shut its brains out.

16:36Have you noticed that a lot of your products commit suicide at a certain point? I'm sorry. So, when I want to replace it... I can't. I can't. I'm picturing all of your products have tiny little guns. And every now and then in your house, you're trying to sleep and you hear a tiny little shot. You go in and, oh, my hair dryer's dead. Sometimes they leave a little note. If I had to listen to him pronounce Socratic bullshit one more time.

17:20Oh my God, my stomach hurts. My chest hurts. My whole body falling apart. I'm sorry. I respect inanimate objects, okay? It's like a Japanese mentality, okay? I treasure these. If they were sentient, I think they would value the way I treated them. Nevertheless, I went to replace this product when it was damaged. I live in the United States and I was served this Panasonic ER411. This is disgusting. What? What are you talking about? This is oversized. It's light and plastic. It looks like a rocket ship. The cutting mechanism I actually replaced. This had been discontinued, but I was able to buy the cutting part.

17:55I replaced it. Wait a minute. You bought, how much did that cost? I don't know. $15. Okay. You buy a$15 nose trimmer. Yeah. And then you went to the trouble to replace the blade. Yeah. This was an inadequate product. This was no longer made in Japan. It was made in a country that is arguably known for some lower quality production methods. It looks like a rocket ship. It draws unnecessary attention to itself. It's a bright silver color. This was what you would get as an American after the glory days of nose hair trimmers. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't see a huge difference. This one, they look like this.

18:32That's telling that you don't see a difference between those two objects. Well, one is silver and one is gray. We define ourselves by the objects we interact with every day. I surround myself with beauty, with high levels of aesthetic pleasure. and it's not only putting on beautiful clothes, it's also using a beautiful nose hair trimmer. It's also understanding that everything we interact with defines our life. So I wanted a well-made product. I was not happy with this product, but I thought it was my only option. So I trimmed my nose hair unhappily with that product. And when did this one commit suicide?

19:05You found this guy hanging.

19:12so then i visited the country of japan uh-huh and i found out that panasonic sells a different nose hair trimmer model for the japanese clientele oh so they sell us the inferior one the er gn10 and look how sleek and stylish this product is this thing feels amazing in the hand It's perfectly balanced. It's reminiscent of my old ER409. This is from 25 years ago. This is from today. Why do you know the serial numbers? And since I was in Japan, I knew that this was not going to last forever, despite the fact that it is still made in Japan in a high quality. So I bought spares. And then I found that on my second trip, they had come out with the ER.

19:56Originally, it was the ERGN10. Then they came out with the ERGN11. I bought two of those. Hold on a second. Let me see this. Look at the beautiful. Just look at the packaging. I mean, this is clearly a product made for a clientele that demands high quality products. Look at your eyes. You look insane. Why do they sell this to Americans and this beauty? Why do they sell this disgusting rocket ship to Americans and this beautiful piece of machinery to the Japanese clientele? I just I don't understand the logic of that. But nevertheless, how many of these did you buy? I bought four of them. But the point is...

20:30Now, I can see you being a little worried that you should have bought a fifth. You take what you're given. I don't know what kind of nose hair trimmer you. You just buy whatever's available. I seek out high quality wherever on the planet it may lie. What do you even use to trim your nose hair? You don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Little scissors. Oh, thanks for saying you don't have a hair and makeup person anymore. Wait a minute. Why do you have to bring that up? That's hurtful. What does that have to do with anything? You don't employ a hair and makeup person. What are you talking about?

20:57I still do. Is that personally insulting? I still do big gigs. I still do live shows. Of course. So you may contract one intermittently, but I'm saying that's not going to take care of your nose hair on a regular basis. I use little scissors. How do you get rid of that quantity of hair with a simple manual device like that? My nose is not pumping out tons of hair every day. There's got to be over 100 individual hairs between those two nostrils. Are you telling me? I use a little scissors. How long does that even take? And it's a little bit curved. Are you confident in the quality of your work?

21:26I just don't I know that if I look in that nose right now and I shown a light in there If you're using manual scissors, there's no way you're accomplished Well, you know what I do? I make little I'm like Edward scissorhands. I make little topiaries. I have a little dinosaur in this one It's not a lizard in that it's not often talked about you have hair removal challenges You have shaving problems and you always have I'll come in and I'll see you talking about patches of hair on your face isolated patches of hair. I don't know how, when you have resources available to you, I don't know how this passes inspection.

21:59I'll come in one day, you've got like a little, you've shaved, but you've got like a tuft of red hair under your nose where your mustache would be. You've got like a random, your neck a lot of times have like, you have shaving problems and just acknowledge what I want to say about my neck. You have shoved, you'll have a clump of hair sticking out of your neck in an arbitrary position. Do you want to know what the problem is? Would you like me to tell you? Yeah. Okay. I get very bad. I have very sensitive skin. And when I shave my throat, I get those razor bumps. You're telling me you deliberately leave that hair there?

22:29You think that looks better than a redneck? I don't deliberately leave it there. Do you see it? I shave it, but sometimes I try to do a cursory job so I don't irritate the skin too much and maybe I leave a stray hair. And you know what? This is hurtful. This is not a stray hair. This is a clump of hair. I'm not concerned with individual hairs. Hurtful. I'm just asking you, do you feel, if you can improve in some way by listening to the things I have to say, why do you have to ridicule? I'm telling you, buy this product. You have the means. Why do I have to buy it? You've got 15 in a bag, you motherfucker.

23:00Give me one. Why are you saying I have to buy one? I'm not giving you one of these. Yes, you are. I don't have the resources you have. What are you talking about? I'll buy one from you for twice its price. You paid$8? I'll give you$16. This is priceless to me. I'm not going to put a price tag on this. The ERG. $100. If someone's doing something. better than you don't ridicule just be like I learned something. I'll give you$100. Oh, it's Socrates. Oh, it's Kaiser. I understand. Oh, you can be more efficient shaving your nose hair with the ERGN10. I'll give you$200. I'll give you$200. Okay. Say yes!

23:33Shake on it. That's 200 clams that you're going to get that you made a huge profit on that. Give it to me right now. Do I have$200 on me? I don't know if I do. Maybe I do. I'm not giving it back. Don't expect that when we walk out of this door, I'm giving it back. You don't have to give it back. Do you want the ERGN10 or the GN11? What the difference is there? I don't know. I'm not clear on what the difference is. All right. That's something I'm curious about, but it's written in Japanese, so you can get. Well, what's the latest version? Oh, I don't know. I'm going to guess if there's the ERGN10 and the ERGN11, I'm going to guess maybe the ERGN11 is more recent.