The Debut Episode of “The Conan and Jordan Show”

0:00Hey, Conan here with some very exciting news. And I don't use that term lightly. Yes, I did. Anyway, I've been doing something on SiriusXM for a while called the Conan and Jordan Show. And people have been enjoying it. So now we are bringing it to the Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend podcast feed. And it's just what it sounds like. Every month you can listen as Jordan Schlansky and I explore our very strange relationship, get to know each other deeper than ever before. It's as horrifying as it sounds. um so we're going to play you one of those episodes right now an episode of the conan and jordan show and i hope you enjoy it there are eight of them you can listen to all eight episodes of the conan and jordan show whenever you want on the sirius xm app just search conan but i wanted you to get started right now and and hear one if you enjoy whatever weird chemistry jordan and i have uh you can listen to that right now and then keep listening if you want because we think we're going to be dropping more into our podcast feed as time goes on.

1:03So without further ado, I bring you the Conan and Jordan show. Eduardo, hit that music.

1:15Okay.

1:22That's more than enough. We played that song, Jordan, because that is one of your favorite bands of all time isn't it rush it is yeah are we calling this the uh conan and jordan show that's the official title yeah that's what uh you came up with i didn't come up with it i'm just saying it's it's descriptive i mean there's no doubt as to what the show is but i just would have thought this is news to me uh i just would have thought that there would be a more clever title but you can go with it clearly if that's what you've decided you don't need a clever title people know our chemistry i don't disagree i was just wondering what the thought process was i don't disagree means i agree yes it does so um i mean one would argue that there's a subtle distinction one would argue means you're arguing right so i'm just gonna i speak jordan so um let me just say that you agree that it's a great name the conan and jordan show of course i have to get top billing because i am the star and you are the guy who works for me in a very nebulous way okay um doing God knows what and filling your pockets.

2:30But anyway, how did you enjoy your theme song? That was a great song. I'm surprised that you have the music rights to use it. One of the many things that you don't acknowledge that I've done was deal with music rights. Is that what you did on the show? I asked you for years. You did stuff with music rights? You do realize that while it's a great song and it's great for this operation, I don't know what we're calling this radio show, it's limiting the distribution of said show. You're going to want to distribute the show in certain ways, but you've got that. I don't think so. Wait a minute. Does this limit it in any way, Mr.

3:02Groose? No, we're good. We're good. No, this is serious. This is serious radio. You have to leave your options open. Oh, not with. Listen, Jordan, not with this show. I don't. OK, let me promise you. There's no way anyone's going to say, how do I get this on vinyl?

3:22I must have a reproduction. and they're not, they don't know. They're not going to want this. It's going to live on Sirius Radio where we're allowed to play any Rush song you want. What are the other ones you like? Oh, well, Rush has many different periods. What's the one that I used to sort of try and sing? Limelight. And how does it go? Yeah. Living on a Lighted Stage approaches the area. Living on a Lighted Stage I'm fine, I'll look at home My nice, I'll look at home How'd I see my night, I say night was that kind of is that a getty lee do you think that is not what i expected this show to be you singing in a falsetto tone uh was not how that was an accurate getty that was an accurate getty lee it was not inaccurate that means it was accurate in a roundabout way i i argue that there is isn't it something like that right that's his general register yeah yeah how pleasing to the ear look for you Rush fans out there no offense but Jordan I'm glad you're a big fan of theirs and through my fame you actually got to know the band a little bit didn't you?

4:33I did yes I did so maybe a thank you? yeah thank you I've been able to benefit in certain ways from your own celebrity which I feel is deserved because you have to remember that your celebrity is a product of the work of the many people that are here in this very room and beyond. I don't see it that way We have worked. I do not see it that way. While the finances don't necessarily reflect that, the truth of the matter is this is not a one-man operation. This was a group effort. Well, first of all, I'm not saying it was a one-man operation. I'm just saying that once a millennia, a figure comes along, a Mozart, a Socrates, and they...

5:18Socrates. Would you say? Socrates in the original ancient Greek pronunciation. Aristotele. What are you fucking talking about? No one knows how the ancient Greeks pronounced that. I know how it's pronounced. Now everyone listening knows how it's pronounced. Socrates? Socrates. Wait a minute. How do you know how the ancient Greek spoke? Ancient Greek influenced other languages. We can trace the lineage back by studying other ancient languages. Socrates, Aristotele. This is no, I don't think you're right about any of this. First of all, congratulations on inventing a time machine. May I see it? Can I can I get inside your time machine?

5:51There are people that study the past. You don't need to travel back. But we don't know how they pronounced. We don't know how they pronounce. You don't know how they pronounce Socrates. I know how they pronounce. You don't know how they pronounce. I just said how they pronounce Socrates. That's not true. No one can possibly know how they pronounced it. There's no phonographic evidence. A photograph doesn't represent how something is pronounced anyway. I'm telling you, there are people. That was a little trick to see if you were paying attention. I mean, when I say phono, I'm talking about the audio.

6:23There are linguists. Linguist comes from the Latin lingua, which means the tongue, also in Italian. Hey, can I tell you something? I know where you're taking this. I know where you're taking this, which is oral sex, and I think it's disgusting. And no one wants to hear you go on and on about tongues and linguist and, you know, going down and all that kind of. It's garbage. It's just garbage. That's not the way anyone should be pleasured. It's disgusting. It's not described in the Old Testament, and I won't have it. So... Socrates. Sorry. What was that? I played Google's pronunciation of Socrates.

6:59Thank you, Eduardo. When it said Socrates. That was an incorrect pronunciation. Wait, you're arguing with Google now? I'm not arguing with... Google is... I'm not arguing because I know my position. My position is at Socrates, and that's as far as I'll go with it. But can I ask you something? Your interpretation does not change reality. You don't have a PhD in shit. Doctorate comes from the Latin docete, or in the ecclesiastical pronunciation, docete, which means to teach. Which, in fact, is what we're doing here. We are teaching. You just say shit. No. And you say it with great authority, and then we're all supposed to say, yeah, yeah, I guess so.

7:33I don't need you to say anything. But then I look into your past, and I realize you're some schmo. You're just some guy. You're just a guy. You're just a guy. I don't disagree. I'm a guy who knows how you say docere and docere and Socrates and Aristoteles. How do you say spaghetti? Spaghetti. It means little strings. There's spago, which means a string. There's spaghetto, which is a little string. And then there's the plural spaghetti. Can I just point out to people? This is our first episode. But to people listening to the Conan and Jordan show, when I when you when I'm not speaking and Jordan is, you should, if you don't have access to the audio, just know that I'm holding my head.

8:18I'm just, my head is down and I'm holding it and I'm sad and I'm sad. And that's just something for you to know as you're driving along listening to this. Well, Jordan, I have to say you and I in the past have, you can, people watch these on YouTube all the time and on our various sites. They watch the adventures we've had where you shoot off your mouth about your expertise on say where the karate kid sequel was shot and then i prove you to be wrong and you've been proven wrong about several things some of the things maybe in italy you were incorrect about certain word usages oh is that true yeah you were you actually lectured me about how no one i wanted to have a red wine with my pizza remember that and you said no one has red wine with their pizza.

9:08You're supposed to have a beer. And then I asked the waiter who served me in Naples, what do you have with your pizza? And he said, wine. And I saw a little part of you die. Yeah. No one is a euphemism. I did not mean no human being in Italy would ever drink red wine with pizza. I just managed generally consumed with beer. Well, what a coincidence that the one guy who did happened to be a waiter at the pizza restaurant. He worked in the food industry. Of Of course, he may have different habits than the average diner. He's an expert. I'm not responsible for his preferences. He's an expert in serving pizza.

9:41I'm only stating a fact that I have observed such fact. I'm not an expert on this particular waiter's eating preferences. I'm chewing my mic cord right now. Go on. What else was I incorrect about? You've got a list. No, I don't have a list. You're looking at a piece of paper, tapping it. You're looking down when you come up with a new subject. Go ahead. What's next on the list? You are Nixon in 74. You are cornered. You know it's over. You're sweating. And you're babbling on television. I resign today. Effective immediately.

10:17Don't hate your enemies. When you hate them, they win. I don't know the serious demographic, but I do know this. They are not familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon. Okay. Well, that's, I think, condescending. Because I always assume that... I am not even familiar with the voice of Richard Nixon. I'm a 50-year-old man. Oh, so you don't know about a president of the United States. I know there was a president named Richard Nixon. Who lived pretty much in your lifetime. Yeah. Okay. You don't know anything about that guy. I know things about him. But you know that Socrates' name, 2 ,000, 3 ,000 years ago, was Socrates.

10:56And that's how people pronounce it. That has relevance today. Go ahead. Do some more impressions of historical figures from the middle of the century. What did Eisenhower sound like? Today, December 7th, 1941. A day that will live in infamy. Who was that? Truman. That's Franklin Roosevelt, you son of a bitch. You know, unbelievable. So you know Socrates, but you don't know about who was president when Pearl Harbor was attacked. You have a particular interest in presidential history. Let's not pretend that your average listener shares that interest with you. You're right. I should assume that they all share your interest, which is that Socrates, all of us have been saying it wrong all these times.

11:39I'm not going to stand by as you mispronounce the names of incredible figures from ancient history. Hey, Jordan, how annoying was it for Socrates? He was probably walking around and people were like, hey, Socrates, I got a question. He was like, it's Socrates. Take it easy, Socrates. I said it, Socrates! Man, you are one uptight philosopher. Uh, how do you say Plato? Please say it Plato. Oh, you fucking son of a bitch. So Goofy's dog is named Plato? I'm not familiar with Goofy's dog. That's not my specialty. I have a cursory knowledge of Disney. I didn't know. Goofy is a dog. I know. He had another dog?

12:24You know what's sick? A dog has a dog for a pet. Don't you think that's disgusting? I think it's one of the sickest things about Disney. What dog keeps another dog as a pet? That's wrong. And you know what? I think it's terrible. And you know who would agree with me? Socrates and Plato. They'd agree with me. Yeah, Pluto the dog. They never figured out why Goofy was able to speak. Excuse me. And Pluto wasn't. It's Goffy.

12:53oh man torpedo amid ships the explosion could be seen for miles i hit you right where the torpedoes are stored oh my god god you're sinking to the briny deep right now your ship so the torpedo exploded the other torpedoes yes okay i only fired a torpedo explosion i torpedo i fired a torpedo and it managed to just hit where the munitions are stored there were shells torpedo It wouldn't hit its own torpedo storage room. No. It would hit the enemy's torpedo storage room. Please. We don't have time to gum up the first Conan and Jordan show. You should be... What is the command structure of the show?

13:28Is this... We just speak equally? Are you in the command position? What do you... Like, I don't understand the layout. I was not given any information. I was called into this room. I didn't know the name of the show. Can I say something? Did I have any input? In 25 years, you've never told me what the fuck it is you do at my show. And now you're complaining that I'm not giving you adequate information? That's not my responsibility. But what could have been my responsibility is to decide a name for the show that might have a bit of irony or cleverness to it. I mean, how long did it take you to come up with the Conan and Jordan show?

13:57That name. Frank Smiley came up with it. Did you even consider anything else? The producer of the show, Frank Smiley. That was it. That was it. Yeah, that's it. It's just, listen, it's fine. No one needs it to be clever. I'm not saying it's not fine. I was just curious. Did you have an idea for it? No, I am not having a, I don't have a problem with the name. I was just curious. How much thought is put into this operation? I feel like this is a low value operation for the company. You've got 24 hours to fill on this satellite channel, this Sirius radio channel. What do we get, like a half hour?

14:27What is the percentage of resources that's devoted to the show? Jordan, let me explain something to you. If you are here and you have a microphone in front of you, this is low value. That is the dictionary definition of low audio value. how are you by the way are we going to make small talk now i'm happy to make small talk i'm fine i'm trying to yes i'm trying to we got into a bit of a quarrel and that happens with us often would you agree i mean it depends how you define quarrel let's call it a debate okay what why not just say yes a conversation for that matter okay but why not just agree with me don't leave upset you don't leave the experience upset i'm guessing this is rewarding for you as a human interaction.

15:15You've upset me in the past. I mean, we're two humans and we run the range of human emotion. Are you sure you're human? Because a computer doesn't know it's a computer. Do you know what I mean? That's not necessarily true. It's potentially true. What I'm saying is everyone's afraid of AI and they're talking about, oh my God, AI, AI, what are we going to do? And I've been telling everyone, I've been living with AI for 25 years. His name is Jordan Schlansky. Your intelligence, by the way, is artificial. You don't know about the things you're talking about. You really don't. And I know that you have some basic awareness, but you're always telling me what the Latin root is of something.

15:59You're always telling me - That's interesting. That's etymology. But is it accurate? Do you read books to get this information? Do you go online? How do you get this information? Or do you just make it up? The venue by which I educate myself, I don't find particularly interesting. Yeah, it's probably a combination of books. What you know is the Internet, human conversation, audio, audio material. Clearly, when learning about pronunciations, whether it's in the classical restored Latin or ecclesiastical Latin, sometimes you want to hear the audio. A book's not going to really convey it. So you've heard tapes where they say Socrates and Plato.

16:34Yeah, I can't tell you that it was a tape, but it was an audio recording. Could you cite one of those? Luke Ranieri. He's a gentleman on YouTube. I think it's Ranieri. His name is Italian and orange, and so it would be Ranieri. Yeah, but then he moved to Jersey. He has a great YouTube channel where he talks about classical Latin versus ecclesiastical Latin. If you're interested in these things, I may listen to former President Richard Nixon one day based on your impression, curiosity as to its accuracy. you might want to hear ancient pronunciations of historical figures. Do you know how to pronounce Caesar?

17:15I mean, don't you find it interesting? We use the word Caesar. I'm going to guess. Yes, I'm going to guess that Caesar isn't the way we say it. I'm going to guess when I say I'd like a Caesar salad or, hey, Caesar just got stabbed by Brutus. I'm sorry, Brutus. What would you say? Brutus. Oh, for Christ's sake. Yeah. I'm going to say that you, I'm going to make up something. It sounds, I'm going to guess how you pronounce Caesar. It's going to be off-putting and not true. Let's see. Chesar. Chesar is, in fact, the ecclesiastical pronunciation. Congratulations. You grew up in religious settings, and that was how they would have pronounced it.

17:48No one ever said Chesar. That was how they would have pronounced it. But, of course, the original classical Latin during his actual time was geysar. All right, you're an idiot. I have to change the topic because I am getting upset, and I don't want to. But you keep saying ecclesiastical. and no one says Cesar instead of Caesar. Nobody. In Italian, it's Cesare. So I say Cesare. Do you say I'll have a Cesar salad? No, I don't order that dish. That's an American dish and I don't... If I'm going to get a salad, I take it the European way. I don't... I hear you take it the European way. You know why that's funny?

18:29Is it a reference to anal sex? Oh my God. that's not what I meant at all. What else could it be? That's not what I meant at all. I said, I hear you take it the Italian way. Meaning when you're ordering Italian food, you probably like it with an Italian pronunciation. I don't know why you went to anal sex and why you always seem to. I have no response. I understand that you don't know why, but that's, that's the, that's the sentence. I'm just writing down. Conan wins. Another one. Conan wins. Another one. It's going very well. We're going to take a little break. And when we come back, Jordan and I will be taking some phone calls.

19:21Hey, we're back. I'm here with my co-host, Jordan Schlansky. We're going to take some callers now. And these are people that have questions for you, Jordan. Okay. Okay. The first one is Danny. Danny, are you there? Hi. Yes, I am. Hey, Danny, you are here. This is Conan O 'Brien. And you're, what part of Connecticut are you in, sir? Actually, I just moved back to my hometown in Massachusetts. So I'm calling you tonight from Massachusetts. Where in Massachusetts, sir? It's a small town in Western Massachusetts called Peter Sam. Okay. I'm from Brookline, Mass. And I'm a fan of Tanglewood in Lee Lennox area.

19:56That's Jordan, by the way, Danny. I can see you really perked up when he mentioned Tanglewood. um yeah he's off-putting danny uh uh i'm just telling you that i'm somewhat familiar with uh you know stirbridge worcester um and i'm somewhat familiar with western mass yeah tanglewood you said because that's where you can go and watch a guy wave a baton around in the air the mass pike uh-huh yeah anyway uh danny hot spots yeah yeah this guy likes to go hang out by the highway um likes to watch the toll booth people he likes to watch the easy pass do its thing Hey, Danny, you had a question for Jordan.

20:34What's the question? I do. My question is, Jordan, have you used cannabis? No, I do not use cannabis. I find myself fulfilled by my own internal explorations. I don't need foreign objects or foreign stimulation in that respect. But that said, I have no judge, certainly no judgments against anyone that does use it. I do believe there are probably some benefits for me there, but I just have not explored it yet. Well, Danny, stay on the line because I don't want to be alone with this guy. Danny, first of all, stay there. Jordan, do you think cannabis is the correct pronunciation? Yeah. Okay. So Danny says something and it's fine.

21:15If I said it, you'd be like, it's cannabis. Well, if he said Socrates, it wouldn't be fine. Danny, do you say Socrates or do you say Socrates? I would say Socrates. Thank you, sir. You're a good man. um yeah that's uh that's good so now danny why did you ask jordan if he used cannabis what was the origin of that question oh well i've been a big fan for a long time of of both of you i've watched a lot of your uh your videos on youtube and podcasts and everything and um well i've i followed jordan for a long time and as somebody who got a lot of benefit out of out of using cannabis. I thought maybe that's what he needs.

21:58Oh, this is interesting, Danny. Jordan, what do you think? Here's someone who has a good sense of who you are, who's saying you might want to try some cannabis. I don't know that I need anything. Nevertheless, maybe there's some benefit for me. I have not tried it yet, as I have not tried many substances. I certainly don't need cannabis to generate free thought. I'm not a victim of thinking. No, I'm a deep thinker. OK, that's what deep thinkers say. They go around shouting. Of course, that's what they say, because they're self-aware. That's what Socrates said. You know, I'm a deep thinker over here.

22:38Danny, yeah, I think you can see the biggest question I get is, is Jordan real? And I always tell them, I swear to God, he's real. He really is this guy. And sometimes I can sense that they don't believe me. Danny, do you believe now? I do I believe it I was a little skeptical myself but I I see it I haven't seen him in quite a while we bring him in we start talking everything you're I mean unbelievable absolutely unbelievable you are real and the world needs to know Kong exists Kong exists and will be displayed um Danny thank you very much I'm going to move on to the next caller but it was nice talking Thank you, Danny.

23:19All right. Let's move on to our next caller. Now our next caller is Esther from Los Angeles. Esther, are you there? Hi. Sorry. That took a minute. I'm here. Oh, hi, Esther. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm good. This is Conan O 'Brien. And this is the Conan and Jordan show. You know, this is the first episode and maybe the last because I want to kill him right now. We've been in each other's throats for the better part of an hour. But Esther, I understand that you had a question for Jordan. First, let me ask you, where are you in Los Angeles? I work in Santa Monica, but I live in Long Beach.

23:55Very nice. I'm from Nipomo, California. Beautiful. And what do you do? I work at a private school here in Santa Monica. Oh, very cool. Very good for you. I love Santa Monica. It's gorgeous down there. Esther, I understand you have a question. Are you familiar with Jordan Schlansky? I am. Okay, my apologies. Esther, do you have a question for Jordan? He's right here, and he's an open book. Okay. My question for you, Jordan, thank you again for taking my call. Thank you. Were you scared of anything as a child? And if so, are you still? That's a great question. I love that question, Esther. Were you scared of anything as a child?

24:36And if so, are you still? I don't have any irrational fears that I can remember. I would be scared of things that any human being would be scared of the force of gravity, sharp objects. But if I were to think about a like recurring nightmare, there's always been the loss of teeth, although I've never lost an adult tooth and plane crashing. But I'm not afraid to be on a plane. I'm I have nightmares about being on the ground and watching a plane crash. Wait, what's scary about that? You get to shoot it. Certainly not a pleasant experience. You get to shoot it with your phone and then sell it to CNN.

25:13I have empathy for human beings and to know that human life was inevitably lost in the procedure. I find that scary. Yeah, the procedure of the plane crashing. Who calls a plane crash a procedure? I call it a procedure. Okay. The event. You'll make fun of like the, you know, the Zeppelin tragedy from decades ago. But I understand that lives were lost. What are you talking about? The Hindenburg tragedy. I don't make fun of that. I never have. You do the radio broadcast. Why would that be funny? Yeah. That's my question. You do the radio, play the tape. You do the radio of the guy in the 40s because you got that voice.