The Gossip Girl of Thames New Zealand

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Amalia, meet Conan and Sona. Hi. Oh, my God. Hey, is it Amalia? Is that how I say your name? It is perfect, yeah. Okay. Sometimes people say Amelia, but you say Amalia. Is that correct? Yes. Yeah, my parents found it in a book. It was Napoleon Bonaparte's sister's name or something. I'm looking it up now, and no, it wasn't. I think your parents were just playing a cruel trick on you. Yeah, yeah. My dad got liquored up and came back with a joke book, an Irish joke book, and there was a Conan in there.

0:49That's how I ended up with my name. So who knows? The important thing is, where are you coming from right now? Where are you in this spinning blue marble we call Earth? I'm in New Zealand. Oh, you're in New Zealand. Oh, incredible. Yeah. That's cool. And are you a regular listener to the podcast? I am, yeah. Okay, that's very nice to know. I always love it when we reach out to people in far flung corners of the globe. And tell me a little bit about your life. What do you do, Amelia? What part of New Zealand are you in, first of all? I'm sorry, Amalia. Can I just call you Susie? Is that okay? Are you all right with Susie?

1:27All right, Susie. And you say you're from the Bronx. Okay. Now, Amalia, which part of New Zealand are you from? So I'm in a town called Thames. It is a small town and I'm 20 minutes away from there in a smaller town called Kirapahi. Wait, your town is called Tim? It's Tim's? Thames, T-H-A-M-E-S. Okay, all right, Thames. Oh, I see, I thought it was Tim and it was near the town of Bruce. About 10 kilometers from David, 15 miles south of Jesse. So Tim's New Zealand and it's a very small town. How many people you say? About 400. 400. Whoa. You know, I've always thought there'd be no privacy in a town of 400 people.

2:23Well, there kinda isn't. You do have to be careful what you talk about because it goes around. So you can't bad mouth someone else in town because they're gonna hear it. Yeah, pretty much. Unless you're ready for like a fist fight. Oh, have you been in many fist fights, Amalia? No, no, I haven't. All right, well, I think that would be a problem because I like to trash talk people. I like to talk badly about people behind their back. For me, it's a sport, it's fun. The problem is I'm a physical coward. So that would be a problem if I lived in Tim's because I would probably say mean things about people.

3:09Like, oh, look at those shoes. You know, you find them in a dumpster. That's your idea of a mean thing to say about someone? Yeah, those shoes look like they have a high arch. What's his deal? You know, and then - I think you'd be okay. You've got status. No. Conan O 'Brien. I'd roll out a red carpet for you. I think you'd be the town gossip for sure. Yeah, I would be the town gossip. Yeah. I'd be the gossip girl of Thames, New Zealand. Scream. You'd probably start rumors just to watch other people fight. Yes, I would try and get other people to fight each other. I'd say, hey Joe, is there a guy named Joe in your town?

3:48There is, I live with one. There you go. No! I'd say, and give me another name of someone who lives in the town. My boyfriend Emmett. Okay, I'd say, hey Joe, I didn't think it was cool what Emmett said about you. and he'd be like, what did he say about me? And I'd say, I don't know. He said that, I don't know, your shoe has a high arch. Why? And then Emmett would say, I never said that. And then I'd say to Emmett, well, you should hear what Joe's been saying about you, Emmett. And it would end with both of them fighting in the town square. Is there a town square? No. It's just the main street.

4:28Well, listen, every main street has a town square. So the first thing I would do if I got to Thames is I would organize where a town square would be and I would build it. I would build you a town square. Out of Lego. Probably the right size. Did you say Lego or liquor? Well, liquor would be more fun, but I said Lego. Well, enough liquor and you're building a lot of stuff out of Legos. Yes, I will do that. That's what I would do. I would be obsessed if I lived in Thames. I would be obsessed with there being a town square. You need a town square. They had one on Gilmore Girls, and it's where everybody gathered.

5:09With like a gazebo. Yeah. You know what a gazebo is, right? You need a gazebo. Like on Gossip Girl. No, I'm sorry, Gossip Girl, not Gossip Girl. Like on Gilmore Girls, they all sound the same. Two Gs.

5:25But you need to have a town square. It has to have a gazebo. It has to have little lights. People have to be wandering around in the town square. And that's where things get settled. Don't you think that would be a good idea for Thames? That would be great. We could just start like an underground fighting ring at the gazebo. Yeah, we could. Fun twist. I don't know why you, Amalia, I don't know why you went there. I never suggested that we start a fight club underneath the gazebo, but okay. We're gonna do that now, I suppose. Okay. Okay, so tell me a little bit about your life. What do you do? So I'm a customer service agent for a telco company in New Zealand.

6:06I started out in a call center and now I'm doing their social media pages. Wait a minute, Amalia, are you at work right now? No. Oh yes you are. I do work from home. No, you're totally at work. You're totally working and you said, I'll just put this idiot on hold and I'll call Conan O 'Brien and see if he's willing to fund a fight club underneath the gazebo in Temps. Is that what you're doing right now? You're totally working. There's someone waiting on hold right now listening to insipid music while you come up with this scheme. Yeah, I'm sorry. Wow, you're easy to, that was an easy confession.

6:49It really was, too easy. All right, so, and you have a boyfriend. I do, yes. Let me ask about him because you need my approval if this relationship is going to continue. Well, don't you think of me as kind of a father figure to Amalia? Not at all, not at all. You just met her like five minutes ago. David, don't you think I'm kind of a father figure? No. Eduardo, father figure? No way. Okay, getting a lot of no's here. Amalia, what do you think? Am I kind of a father figure? Yep, and I think we're gonna be fighting underground. Okay, good. Well, anyway, how long have you two been going out? About 10 years.

7:26Oh my goodness. Oh my God. Wow, okay, all right. Well, I don't know if there are any plans moving forward, but that's your business, not mine. I wish you nothing but the best, you crazy young people, you. Thank you very much.

7:51Yeah, I would think I mean, if I lived in Thames I'm a guy that likes to have various affairs on the side That would be very hard for me because if there's only 400 people I think word would get out You know me, I'm kind of a Lothario Yeah, you would plow your way through through all 400 people. Yeah, okay. It'll be related too, so you'd just be like recycling the same family. Well, that's pretty much where I come from, so. Aw, man! Well, I do! We pretty much come from, I come from the Thames of Massachusetts. We just lived there for like 200 years, and look what happened! We've all got super long limbs, and we can see in the dark.

8:37What do you enjoy in life, Amalia? What do you like to do? What kind of movies do you like? I love horror movies. Ooh, yeah. That's probably my favorite, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you have a favorite horror movie? I love all the 80s, 90s slasher style film. Very good. Scream and Child's Play. I like it every time. I like it when they open a refrigerator door and they come into the kitchen, they look around, there's no one there, they open the refrigerator door and then when they close it, the killer's right there. You know? Yeah. And it always makes me think that the monster or the killer was just also waiting to get something at the refrigerator.

9:19Yeah. They're not there to scare you, they're just also just waiting their turn to get the orange juice. Or like, hey, that's my yogurt, you know? Yeah. Or when someone says, who's there? Yeah. And they're like, What are they expecting someone to say? I am here, monster. Monster? I am here, I be monster. That's the worst. I also be on Sesame Street. That's the worst horror movie villain. No one's scared. What villain, what horror movie monster or villain are you least afraid of? Who do you think you could, if you were up against any villain, which one would you want to go up against? It would be Chucky off Child's Play, because he's tiny.

10:02Well, excuse me, first of all, have you seen pictures of me when I was five? I'm the spitting image of Chucky, yeah. And I also murdered with abandon. So you think Chucky, you know what my choice would be? Leprechaun. Oh. You reckon? Yeah, well, Leprechaun, because A, he's very small, and B, we're kind of related. So I think if he started to try and kill me, I'd say, hey, isn't that funny about Seamus? And then we would start talking and within a second we'd find people we were related to and we'd be getting along. Yes. Wow, I just totally - I'm sorry, I'm still really nervous. No, I totally, no, no, no, it wasn't.

10:46I totally bombed with you over 9 ,000 miles. And I totally swung and missed. And then it was the pain. It was a silence that echoed over 9 ,000 or 12 ,000 miles. That was a really long, it felt really long for me. I can't imagine what it felt like for you because you said it. Yes. And then that silence followed it. Yes, and then Amalia, the worst part was after a long silence of you just staring at the screen, you went, no, that was funny. It's true, that was worse. And you said it like a doctor saying, I'm sorry, he's dead. It's exactly the way you said it. It's so much worse, yeah. I'm sorry, he's dead.

11:31Give me 20 hours to respond. No, no, no. Well, you shouldn't be nervous. We're just regular folk. Just like anyone else that you'd bump into in Thames. Only I reach billions of people around the globe. and I can build a town square with my own hands. Well, you sound like a very fun person. Does your boyfriend like going to these horror movies as well? No, he hates them, but I've got two friends that really love them, so we'll always go and see them together. Oh, is there a movie theater in town, can I ask? No, it's shut down because of COVID. Oh, okay. So where do you have to go to another town like William or Steven?

12:15Maybe Jeremy? No, it's Auckland, Auckland City. Oh, I've heard of Auckland, yes. It's about an hour and a half away. Okay, so you drive to Auckland, and yeah, they should reopen your theater. That's another thing I've got to take care of. Oh, you're going to do it. I've got a lot to do. Maybe I'll do a show at the theater. You need to run for council. Run for council? I'm not going to run for council. I'll put your name in. No, I'm just going to say I'm heading the council. I'm not going to run for council. Just come and take over. Yeah, I don't have time to run. I could probably get everybody in one phone booth and say, hey, guess what?

12:47I'm running, phone booth. David doesn't even know what I'm talking about. We have two phone booths. Just fight them. Make them fight each other. Phone booths are where they used to hand out cell phones. So, wow, okay. And what's the hot gossip in town? Before I let you go, what's the hot gossip? Oh, there isn't really a lot of gossip, but everyone's really pissed off about the rubbish. The rubbish? It's just a myth. I know. So they've decided that they need to change the way our rubbish is picked up every week and it is just chaos. I don't understand. The country is in crisis. How hard could this be?

13:30You're a town of 400 people. You can't be generating that much rubbish. Oh, we are. And it's just crazy. Like they want a rubbish bin for every type of rubbish that there is. And it comes at different times on different weeks. And yeah, it's crazy. So we really do need you to come over here and sort it out. Yeah. It sounds like that sounds like a really fun challenge. I can't wait to fly for 77 hours, get off the plane and then hash it out with the rubbish man about the bins and the pickup. But look, it's a labor of love. That's why I do it. Well, you sound like a very nice person, Amalia. And - Thank you.

14:14Yeah, and I hope you realize now that we're easy to talk to. We're very easy to talk to, don't you think? Yeah, we have, I think, what do you mean? Yeah, we're very easy to talk to. Well, she said she was a little nervous, and then I thought - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're very easy to talk to. I think you could figure out very quickly that we're just a bunch of idiots. Yeah, fools. We're really just fools. We're fools. Yeah. Are you really gonna fix her little town, you think? I might, I might. You know, I have to weigh these decisions. Yeah. My time is precious. The rubbish, the movie theater, and Fight Club.

14:46And the gazebo. I have to bring a gazebo. It needs to be a town square. Yeah. And I also need to get two people to bitterly hate each other in town by spreading malicious gossip. So, yeah, my work's cut out for me. We're gonna be rich. Gonna make lots of money. Wait, how do, wait a minute. Amalia, how does, we haven't mentioned one, not one of these schemes is a money making scheme. It all costs money. Yeah, what are you talking about? You wait, I'm gonna be in the news for starting this fight club and it'll be. Oh, the fight club's gonna make money. No one gets, have you watched the movie Fight Club recently?

15:19Nobody gets rich. Yeah. But nobody talks about it. That's probably where they went wrong. They didn't advertise. Oh, they didn't advertise, you're right. The number one rule is you don't talk about it. So you're saying this is a fight club that everyone talks about and then we monetize it on the web. We sell advertising. Yeah, it's guys beating the shit out of each other in an underground gazebo and they're ball wearing shirts that say, you know, buy pies at Mr. Pie. You know? We have sponsorships. Sponsorships, yeah. Get your corn at Mr. Corn. I'm not good at coming up with these slogans. Listen, this petered out terribly, but they'll fix that in editing.

15:59No. Amalia, I like you and I'm so glad that you reached out to us. You seem like a nice person. This is a dream come true. This is probably the biggest thing that's gonna happen to me in my life. I'm probably the proudest I'm gonna make my parents. So thank you very much. Amalia, no, no. Many, many much better things are gonna happen to you. I promise. This is, we've set the bar pretty low here, but I think your parents should be proud of you already. And I think many cool things are coming your way. Trust me, okay? Thank you very much. All right, you take care, Amalia. Bye-bye. Thank you, guys.

16:34See you later. Bye.

16:39Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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