The House Dick

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, Let's get started. Hi, Tricia. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hi. Hi, Tricia. How are you? Oh, my God. I am so happy to be here right now. You have no idea. Like, I'm screaming internally. I'm such a big fan, Conan. Why are you screaming internally? You know, I mean, I like my fans to scream externally. No, I gotta be cool, you know. Like, I'm meeting one of my idols. Oh, you really don't. You don't have to be cool around us. Well, it's very nice to meet you, Tricia. and you are in the Philippines.

0:42Is that right? Yes. Whereabouts? Yes, that's right. Right now I'm in Santo Tomas, Batangas. Where is that? It's like an hour away. From Manila? Yeah, it's an hour away from Manila, which is the capital of the Philippines. Yes, that's the one thing I did know. Yeah. And so you are about an hour away, north, south, east, west. Are you on the coast? Are you inland? I just like to know these things. I'm making a map for my phone. Yeah, we're south from Manila. Okay. So it's an hour drive from Makati by a car. Are you in a mountainous region or is it more of a floodplain? And I'll be done with these questions soon.

1:22Mountainous. Okay. Okay. We're not near the beach at all. Is the air humid or is it a dry heat? Are you planning an invasion? What are you doing? I'm not saying whether or not I'm... Okay. I'm not admitting that I'm planning an invasion, but sleep well and ignore any noises. Okay. So, Tricia, tell me a little bit about yourself, your life. What's going on? Right now, it's funny because I wanted to sleep early, right, for this podcast. But I woke up an hour and 30 minutes later because my daughter kicked me in the face because she was asleep next to me. So I haven't slept since then because I don't want to miss this call at all.

2:01This is funny you say that because about two hours ago, my daughter kicked me in the face and she's 21. Oh, my God. Yeah, and she was wearing steel-toed boots and screaming, I hate you, I hate you, Father, I hate you. So, in a way, we both had the same experience. Yeah. So, you have one daughter? Mm-hmm. She's 33 next month, yeah. Oh, that's really cute. That's great. And what about, are you married? Are you in a partnership? Yeah, I'm married. Yeah, I'm married right now. Right now? My husband's here. right now is that what you say and who are you married to what is the name of this every time she checks her watch what time what is the name what is the name of your significant other his name's patrick okay so you're married to patrick and do every day you say the marriage is still going as of right now yeah yes as we speak as we speak there is still a marriage yeah continue um stand by for other alerts and tell us about your your life you have it's you, Tricia, it's Patrick, you have a daughter.

3:09What do you do? What do you guys do? We both run and manage this small hotel in Tanawan. It's the town next to Santo Tomas. So right now there are 22 rooms. It's a simple, small hotel. Well, 22 rooms, that's a good size. That's a lot of work, I would think. You run a hotel and it's 22 rooms. Yeah, it is. and yeah we've been encountering problems actually and we would like and we also run a restaurant which we would like to market more because right now the hotel is doing better than the restaurant okay so let me paint the picture here hotel thriving yeah we've got a 22 room hotel but there is a restaurant that's part of the hotel and it's not getting enough business yes um we would prefer to have more foot traffic, but right now it's not at its peak.

4:08So we would like to capture more of the market. Yeah. And it's been running for five years now. Five years. It's a, yeah, we would like to have more people come in the restaurant. Now, be honest with me. Oh, you think I could help? Yeah. How could I help? and you can help by like serving the people you can be awake yeah i'm looking for a server trisha i thought you were going to say oh come meet conan o 'brien at the restaurant use my celebrity but no you want me waiting tables or a dishwasher or a dishwasher okay well i could maybe do that my wife would say i'm not very good at washing dishes but i I'd give it a go, which is more than I do at home.

4:55Well, okay, I'm curious about something. You have guests in the hotel. You say the hotel is doing well. Do the guests eat in the restaurant? Yes, they do eat in the restaurant. Do they like the restaurant? Is it a good restaurant or do you think the restaurant could be better? It's definitely a good restaurant. And I think we just want more people to know more about the restaurant. because right now I don't think they're aware that there is a restaurant there. So we want, aside from the hotel guests, we would like people from the town. There's a lack of awareness. Can I ask you what the name is of the restaurant?

5:37It's called Victorina's Modern Restaurant and Bar. It's actually named after my husband's grandma. Oh, that's beautiful. She was from the town. Yeah. Well, Tricia, we're going to change that name. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What? Yeah, we're going to change that name. Hey, you want my help or not? And we're going to call it. I love that it's named after Patrick's grandmother. That's got to go. And we're going to change it to the International House of Pancakes. Oh, my God. Or IHOP for short. Okay? Yeah, okay. Okay. Maybe make it like a Filipino version. No, we just say IHOP and we say we have 23 kinds of syrup for the pancakes.

6:16And when they come in, they get, you know, authentic food from the Philippines, you know? And I just say, oh, yeah, that was a misunderstanding. Eat your food and fucking shut up. And you'll be there to serve the food, right? Yes, I'll be there to serve the food. She really wants to serve her. Yeah, that's it. Do you need any help also? Would I just work in the restaurant or would I also maybe work around the hotel? Oh, yeah, you can definitely man the front desk. I think people would like that. What do you have to do? Seeing a white man. What do you have to do? You want Conan to be the first thing they experience when they come to this.

6:53But you just said, you think I'd be good at the front desk because I'm a white man? Oh, really? Yeah. He's a very white man. Yeah. I mean, there's white men and then there's me. I'm a very, very white man. Well, what do I do at the front desk? Do I get to wear a little cap or is that just the bellman who wears that? No, the girls have like this little scarf around their neck. Maybe you can wear that. The girls? It's part of their uniform. Wait a minute. Who are the girls? No, the front desk attendants. They're a front desk attendants and they wear little scarves? Yeah, it's part of their uniform.

7:29So maybe you can wear that too. No, no, it's not what you think. Oh, how do you know what I think? It better not be what I think. I think she knows what you think because you went, mm, mm. No, it's a corporate hotel. Yes, of course, of course. There's no hanky-panky ever at a corporate hotel. Yes, no. Oh, above board. You know how businessmen are always so above board. Oh, my God. Hey, is it my job as the person at the front desk to make sure that couples that say they're married really are married and sort of be the house detective? What? Do I get to pry into their personal lives at all? Yeah, sure.

8:06Go ahead. What if a lady of the night tries to check in? Is it my job to investigate those things? You let them. You have to let them. I'm thinking, but this is a reputable joint. He's the house dick. But they're business people. You know what? I'm with Matt here. I'm with, hold it. I'm with Matt here and we're both thinking of the same thing, which is it's the 1930s and I'm the house detective or house dick. Yeah, the hotel dick. I'm the hotel dick. I'm a dick wherever I go. That's for sure. I've also been a motel dick. We are thinking the same thing. But my thing is that I would be asking a lot of questions like, hmm, Mr.

8:38and Mrs. Smith, eh? That's a pretty common name. What's your real name? We come in, and you got to grill us. We're a couple, okay? Yeah. What kind of couple? What's the name of the hotel? It's called Bravo Tanaun Hotel. Bravo Tanaun? Okay. Hey, welcome to the Bravo Tanaun. How can I help you? Pretty good, thanks. Hi. Okay, yeah. Well, again, how can I help you? We really like a room and fast, man. Okay, man. Yeah. All right. I'll pay anything. Yeah. Yeah, you seem like all worked up and sweating, huh? It's just, yeah, it's finally going to happen. Okay, you're going to, all right. I had a room just for 15 minutes.

9:14You want a room for 15 minutes? Yeah. Okay, well, you too, Seymour. Wait, you got lipstick all over your face there, buddy. I know, I got in a lipstick fight. Yeah. Wow, okay. And, all right, I'll just need to know your names. What are your names? My name is Actually John Smith. Actually John Smith, and you are? Slurg. Wait, you're not married? Slurg Smith. Yeah. So we are married. I'm very suspicious. Okay. I'm going to need some identification. Oh, God. I just, I got off a, I got mugged. Okay. All right. Well, listen, I'll give you a room for 15 minutes, but I'm going to have to be in the room with you to make sure there's no hanky panky.

9:51Cool, man. I'm into that. No. We're all going to stand. No one gets to lie on the bed. That costs extra, sir. I'll pay it. Let me see some ID. Here, here it is, sir. Can I come upstairs with you guys? Yeah. Hey, your name is Schlerk, too? Yeah. Wow. I'm from a long line of Schlerks. The Connecticut schlurk? Yeah, I just heard a schlurk. Was that you, sir? You seem pretty worked up. All right, let's get out of here.

10:25That was the sketch. It was called... Oh, my God. Three's a Crowd. What do you think? Did you like it? Yeah. I was thinking... I was thinking you can even, like, catch cheating husbands, you know yes that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna be a very nosy house detective um i would like to work i mean i'm kind of interested in working in the restaurant but i'm really interested in working in the hotel and do you have a little bell that dings when people check in um no i'm gonna bring a bell i'm bringing a bell i can put your name on it no you don't have my name on the bell it's just a bell and people know to ding it and then i cover it really quickly it's a fun bit It's existed in many old movies.

11:10You do need to be in a little bell cap or a pillbox hat or whatever. I want a little pillbox cap with a strap around the chin. I want the little bell. I want to have a big quill or a giant pen that signs in the registry. We need a big old-fashioned registry. I want all of the old tropes that would be in a sketch from the 1940s. You can ride in, too. Yes, exactly. And oh, does the elevator have an arrow that goes up, up, up, up, up in a semicircle? No. Oh, my God. We got to fix this hotel. Yeah, you got to. Yeah, you need to. Now, tell me, how did you get into the hotel business? My husband's grandparents, they had this plot of land that was available to be developed.

11:55So my husband decided to make a hotel with it because he saw potential in the market. Because nearby, there's an industrial park. So they're big international companies as well. So that's why we also put this hotel up because there are people from abroad who bring their employees to work here for a while, like engineers. Got it. Got it. Things like that. Yeah. OK, so you built this hotel. Was this your dream as a child? One day I'll have a hotel. No, far from it, actually. I was more into the arts. I was more right brain. and I actually belong to a family of doctors. So I was so out of place. Yeah.

12:40So I didn't want to be a doctor. I knew I would regret it and I knew I would be unhappy. So I decided to go the safer route and take business. So at least with business, I can evolve or it's more, I can do more things with it. You know what I mean? I like it. What kind of art did you like to do? When I was young, You know, I'd like, I'd paint and all that, but it was never really, it was never really, um, prioritized. So it was kind of faced to the side. So the skill was never, um, yeah. You weren't getting encouragement. You weren't getting encouragement. Um, yeah. Or it wasn't like, it wasn't a priority.

13:25Yeah. So yeah, it wasn't something they saw that could be like a career. Sure. Yeah. well my parents always thought this wasn't a career and even after you were very successful after 30 years in late night they said when's your career but you are successful though oh my god well Trisha yeah I would very much like to help your hotel and restaurant we gotta change the name to IHOP that would be great okay no worries and have a lot of syrups around different flavored syrups no hotel sure and then I wanna be the house detective that and also I want to be dressed as a bellman but working the front desk.

14:07And I think I'll mix well with the ladies who wear scarves around their necks. I will also wear a scarf if you wish. And I think I could be a big help to you. And my one question is, do you like balot? Oh, no. My dad does though, but I don't. You have to eat that though. I don't know if I can. You know what balot is? Is it the little bird? It's the little embryo baby chicken that's inside a pickled egg. That's my dad's favorite. Yeah. People swear by it. And they say, once you have it, you go insane and you just have a lot the rest of your life. Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes you can even feel like the tiny bones go down your throat.

14:47Stop it. Yeah. But they say it's good. What's wrong with tiny bones going down your throat? It's just tiny bones going down your throat. I mean, when you think about it, it's no different than eating chicken. Yeah, or eating any fetus.

15:05So, well, Tricia, it's been very nice talking to you until this imagery late in the podcast. But I do wish you well, and I wish Patrick well and your daughter. And if I get a chance to come visit you, I'd like to try and help your business. Yes, of course. You're welcome anytime. Yeah. Let me ask you quickly, am I known in the Philippines? Am I a known fellow in the Philippines? so if you say Conan O 'Brien's here at the hotel people would be happy to see me or would they be angry and want to come hit me they'd definitely be happy to see you and then hit me yeah six foot four men with red hair you'd be like an attraction yes I am yeah yeah come see the tall white guy yeah yeah yeah um alright it's a circus okay take it easy okay there buddy sideshow yeah like a sideshow almost sideshowy like the bearded lady yes yeah um except weirder yeah Take it easy.

15:58Sorry. Tricia. Oh, and what's the name of this stew that's made with blood and all kinds of stuff? What is that? Oh, um. Gabal-gala? Dinugoan. Dinugoan. Dinugoan. That's so good. Dinugoan. Tell us what it's named of. Goat's blood? I'm not exactly. I think it's pig's blood, but it's really good with rice. I think you should try that. Sure. It's really good. We even have this dish. Fetal bird and then the pig's blood. Yeah, we have this dish. it's in trouble. I'll have the fetal bird with some, and then bring me the pig's blood and then we'll throw a little rice in it. Can I have pancakes with raspberry syrup?

16:38You betcha! All right, Trish, it was very nice talking to you. Best of luck to you. It was so nice meeting you. And maybe I'll see you in the near future. You never know. Yes. Yes. You're welcome anytime, though. Thank you so much. It was lovely talking to you. Thank you. Bye-bye. Nice meeting you guys. Nice meeting you too. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Avsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples.

17:18Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of Sirius XM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts are down.