The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 1

0:00Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Stray's in theaters August 18th.

0:20Hey, welcome to a very special edition of Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. I am thrilled that we are here. This is unique. This is a real occasion. Yes. You're all, of course, familiar with Hans and Franz. Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon's classic bodybuilder characters from SNL. These were monsters. These were monster characters. Everyone was doing the Hans and Franz all across America. It was big. It was a big deal. But a lesser known fact is that Dana, Kevin, Robert Smigel, and myself wrote a feature length Hans and Franz movie way back in the year of our Lord, 1991. It was a musical, it was an incredible vision, and it was shockingly never made.

1:08The only movie based on SNL characters that wasn't turned into a movie. No one has ever seen or heard this script, dot, dot, dot, until today. I am here in studio with Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, and Robert Smigel. This is the first time any of them have spoken to each other since the movie fell apart. Everyone in this room has refused to speak to each other But now we've come together Put aside our differences Put aside our differences And we're going to read selections from Hans and Franz The Girly Man Dilemma A title you probably couldn't use today Hans and Franz, The Girly Man Dilemma Remember, it was 1991 We're safe Sorry We're going to read this more than 30 years after we wrote it Gentlemen, first of all, I'm thrilled that we could all be here Dana, Kevin, Robert, how are you guys doing?

2:05Kevin? Well, I'm just, I'm over the moon to be here. Yeah. To see that you are still in the business. Thank you, Kevin. Stuff that we predicted in 1991. Yeah. No, it's nice that we could come together. I wanted to sort of set the table first before we begin, explaining a little bit of the background of what we're doing here. Okay. First of all, we're going to read this script. scenes from the movie. We're not going to read the whole movie. Thank God. Yeah, the whole movie would be over six hours long. But what we're going to do is we're going to start by reading an opening sequence first. We have some Team Coco staffers in the back that are going to help us with some smaller roles.

2:46Sonam of Sessian, Matt Gourley, David Hopping, and Matt Powers are going to be assisting in smaller roles, helping us out. No role is too small. No role is too, no, that's not true. Some roles are very small. In fact, I'm reading one of the small roles. but I'm also going to be reading stage directions. And of course, Hans and Franz will be played by, of course, appropriately by Hans and Franz, Dana and Kevin and Robert. You will be playing the part of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is that right? We didn't get Arnold. What's that? We didn't. Arnold's here. Yeah. Would you like to meet Arnold? We couldn't.

3:22It's a pleasure to be here. Wow. What an Arnold. Arnold just walked in. This is incredible. Arnold's here. Get down. Finally, it's a Conan O 'Brien needs a human friend podcast. Arnold, amazing that you would just wander in without even being invited. You're amazing that I would just wander in. You're so animated. No, I can't believe I'm in the studio in Larchmont. I'm pinching myself. Settle down, Robert. Settle down. Yeah, okay. All right. Oh, yeah, he's good. We don't want him mad at us. Oh, right, right, right. Let me point out quickly that Robert, for many, many years on my late night show, was the voice in the Clutch Cargos of Arnold Schwarzenegger, which was one of our biggest hit characters.

4:09He would always come down and I would start interviewing him and it would always end up with him yelling at me. And you always start with him yelling at you as well. Yeah, exactly. Sort of the beginning, middle, and the end. It was symmetrical, yes. I thought you looked familiar, man. Thanks, man. And Robert. Where did this come from? the mouth of Arnold. Robert always had, this is how low tech it was, to create a little gap in his teeth, he'd put a little piece of electrical tape. Electric tape, yeah. In front of his two front teeth and always in the middle of every bit, it would start to come off.

4:37Yeah. And then we would deconstruct it and I'd say, Arnold, do your teeth all right? Don't look! Don't look! It's fine. I have my gap, it's delicious. How would we explain this impression to like Rich Little or something? I know. No, this is our Arnold. It was an, I was an imprecisionist, I used to call myself. Yes, exactly. Conan, I'm a little confused. Yeah. You said you were going to set the table. When is that going to happen? Not literally set a table. Oh, I thought we were having a lunch or something. I thought I was surprised. All right. So that's what's happening is. We should explain to people under 25 who Hans and Franz are.

5:12Hans and Franz. And I think we should quickly. And I know that I have my minders who are sitting in the room glaring at me that I keep this thing on the track. This is going to take place over multiple episodes. We're going to read different scenes and we'll, we'll take you through everything. We're going to start reading the opening sequence in just a bit, but just to tell you, Hans and Franz, it was a big deal on SNL. Kevin, where did the idea come from? Go. Because you, uh, you were watching television, I believe once, weren't you? I was in a hotel room in Des Moines, Iowa, I believe it was.

5:41We were on tour with Dana and Dennis and me. And, uh, I was watching Up Close and Personal with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he would talk about, you know, what he does when he gets into town. they were asking what do you do when you get into town he's well you know first i get into the nice light cotton shirt i go out on the town i have some fun then i come back to the hotel room i get into the nice light cotton sheets you know and i called dana i said dana you gotta watch this and we were both laughing at it and then for the rest of the tour drove dennis crazy we're talking like arnold schwarzenegger and it was uh the precision and the positivity so i kevin told me that i laughed and it was just it became a poem we did ad nauseum it's like you get to the hotel You do the stairs.

6:22You get a light sweat. You take a nice warm shower. You put on a light white cotton shirt and you're ready for the evening. It always went to you're ready for the evening. You're ready for the evening. It's all the preparation. So you two are doing this back and forth and then eventually this becomes Hans and Franz, these two characters who want to pump you up. Arnold's cousins. Arnold's cousins. And they're constantly talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger and became a very popular SNL sketch. very defensive yes yeah and they try to cut people down before they mock them they're paranoid and delusional yeah yeah aggressive what was it now believe me now and hear me later hear me now that was kevin's hear me now and believe me later you know if you think you're so smart you know why don't you come and do what we do no way it's not gonna happen you know yeah they're on a cable tv show with like three viewers and they're threatening them and they never show any feats of strength or lift anything and said let me tell you something if you doubt this yeah we can easily easily very easily come to your house and you'll see in the script what that we've done and i never laughed more than we were writing these characters for hours they were just so fun to do so then you guys uh and we'll we'll talk about this how it came about but uh but we just did didn't we no no how those are the characters then there was the idea for the movie yeah way later yeah it was week several years later and uh and i think you guys talked to robert and robert talked to me and we agreed we would try and write this thing so let's take you now i think we should begin um let's just do a scene see what happens yeah i don't know if i can follow that stage directions and uh this is remind me am i franz and he is hans right you know and you are there to pump other people no one ever knew which one was hans and which one was franz okay here i take you now to Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma.

8:15Here we go.

8:20Interior, cable TV studio, Hans and Franz, two crew cut Austrian bodybuilders with gray sweatsuits are on the set of their program. Welcome to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter. Welcome! We're back! As always, don't try to adjust your TV set. This is our actual stars. Yeah, that's right. You're looking at two of the most massive muscle gods you'll ever see in your life. Yeah, because I am Han. And I am Franz. And we just want to pump you up. We follow the message of our cousin, the greatest bodybuilder in the world. Yeah, maybe you've heard of him.

9:07Arnold Schwarzenegger. As they continue, occasionally cut to glazed, indifferent cameramen and technicians all out of shape. Hear me now and believe me later. We could easily grab your love handles and stress them around you like a bag so you can carry yourself out to the garbage. Cut to cute card man holding a card reading, yeah, because that's where trash like you belongs. Yeah, because that's where trash like you belongs. Interior, a bedroom, same. Rob Lowe, as his character from Wayne's World, is in bed with a woman. She holds remote control. Wait a minute. Keep it on this for a minute. Interior, studio, same.

9:45All right, let's bring out our guest. Helmet, a flabby, shirtless Austrian man joins Hans and Franz. He appears painfully resigned. This is Helmet, a typical person. Helmet is what you would become if you're lazy. Interior, Rob Lowe's bedroom, same. Nah, this sucks. He flips to another channel. Exterior, ugly, white brick apartment building. The next morning. Interior, Hans and Franz's studio apartment, same. A cuckoo clock wakes up Hans and Franz to sleep in their bunk beds. Several Arnold posters hang from the walls. Many frame signs with slogans, no pain, no gain. If it doesn't hurt, it doesn't help.

10:20Believe me, et cetera. Music, cheerful. Morning. Hans slides out of the top bunk, stepping into Franz's hand stirrups. They are in their pajamas and weight belts. Bathroom door. Hans is knocking to come in. Come on, Franz. Interior bathroom. Franz is flexing in front of the mirror. exterior bathroom. Let's go. There are some other people in this house that need to flex. Interior living room later, Hans is watering and berating a sickly plant on the windowsill. Come on, you lazy geranium. Or whatever that's called. Grow. Look how scrawny you are. Yeah, I could very easily pull you out by your skinny roots.

11:03Yeah, you look more like a daisy. Is that what you want? He's yelling. They're yelling at a plant. Yes. I'm sorry. Danny, a gangly, nervous student who lives next door, arrives at their entrance. Uh, guys? Yeah? Yeah, yeah. I want. Can you keep it down? I'm just trying to work on my thesis. Yeah, look, how long are you going to be finished with that? Yeah, yeah, you're going to be needing this quiet business. Uh, yeah, I'm sorry. I just hit on this whole new verbal dynamic. Yeah, look, we'd love to chat and engage in girly talk. But now we have an appointment with our station manager. Interior TV executive office later.

11:39Two young executives are seated opposite Hans and Franz. Everyone is uncomfortable. It's just that Martin Luther King is a real hero in our society. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So to describe him as flabby. He is. Well, that's not the issue. What you said was offensive. English, please. Look, we've just gotten a lot of calls and a lot of pressure to pull your show. You're pulling our show? From television? We're sorry. There is a pause. Look, your suits. You sit there and make decisions in your suits. And you don't know what the people want, you know. The people. Your suits. Yeah, suits. So does that change your mind?

12:22No. Exterior TV studio. Hans and Franz mill about outside the TV studio dejected. This phase of our lives is over. It's time to start from scratch. Yeah, yeah. Get in touch with our roots. Let's bring a snack. Cheerio subway car later. Hans and Franz are in a modern subway car gnawing on a large ham.

12:46All right, so that is, that's the opening scene, Hans and Franz. Here's what I can recall. I had left Saturday Night Live and I was out in Los Angeles working on The Simpsons when Robert called me and said, let's write the Hans and Franz movie. Well, we had already been writing some of it, I think. Me and Kevin. we weren't going anywhere with it a lot of the early stuff and I just said I think it would be great to add Conan to the mix especially and the second half with Arnold and stuff there's so much great details that you added to this movie that are so funny we just wanted to keep using the names Homer and Bart and everything that didn't go with our script that's not true but anyway what I remember is we all got together on a lot, which lot was it?

13:34It was Sony. Was it Sony or? So we had an office. And what I remember most clearly is we would get there. Robert and I would get there. And Dana was pretty prompt. Kevin would usually show up just a little late. And at the time, you always had a giant shake of some kind of. Oh, it was Slim Fast. It was Slim Fast. And you were always sipping on this giant bottle like a baby. I'm still doing it today. Yeah. And he also, I remember, especially in the early stage, you always have this prepared food that was like Jenny Craig. That was Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig. Are you serious? So you mixed Slim Fast with Jenny Craig.

14:17That could kill you. I did, but also I had Weight Watchers in my freezer. So I did the three of those and I gained so much weight. Yeah. You gained 60 pounds. Just like a Mormon diet. That's right. That's right. Right. The Weight Watchers woman would come to my house because I would get the VIP treatment. And she didn't know I had Jenny Craig in the freezer. And I said, I love Weight Watchers. And then, you know, I said, I got to go to the bathroom. I go into my freezer, get a little Jenny Craig out and then come back out. I thought it was more like Chinese food and stuff. Didn't you have like bowls of things?

14:49I didn't know you guys were keeping track of what I was eating. I'm just saying, this is the biggest memory of the whole script, right? First of all, let's backtrack. I was never a little late. I was the first one there with Smigel. I don't remember him being a late type of person. I don't even remember you two guys writing. I just remember him being a late type of person. Okay, now you've gone too far. No, you have gone too far. But I was always trying to get time off from The Simpsons. I remembered they would always keep that writer's room kind of late. And we would try and grab time on weekends.

15:17I would try and grab any time I could to go off to Sony to work on this ridiculous, silly movie. And one of the things that a sensible person would have done if we had been sensible, because we're getting to Arnold Schwarzenegger, is to write a movie that maybe Arnold has a quick cameo in, because Arnold at the time was the biggest movie star in the world. What we did, which shocks me now upon rereading it, is I remembered Arnold was in it, but I forgot that Arnold is in it more than anybody. And so we hung the entire project. But didn't this kind of come from Arnold on some level? Like, I remember hearing this from you guys, that Arnold wants to be in a Hans and Franz movie with you.

16:03Well, he was on at least once or twice. He was on Hans and Franz on Saturday Night Live. Yes, yes. Loved it. Loved it. There's reasons why it didn't work out. We can get to those later. Yeah, no. But he loved it. That's why we thought he did want to have a major part. And at the time, he hadn't really done anything like this yet. And he was interested in it. And I remember that. And I remembered thinking, well, if Arnold also the allure of if Arnold says, yes, this is going to get made so we can make this as silly as we want, because he's going to if Arnold says, yes, all the craziness is going to happen.

16:35Exactly. And I also I have to admit that when Dana and Kevin first approached me with the idea of doing a Hans and Franz movie, my first reaction was, what a horrible idea, because there's such one dimensional characters in theory. So my first thought was, well, what if we made it a musical? That'll kill like, you know, 25 minutes. Right. That's less plot. And it's fun to see them sing. Right. And then these guys said it was you guys had this idea that they're going to go to Hollywood and they're going to interact with Arnold. And I was like, OK, that makes sense. Because then the second half of the movie can be almost like a parody of Arnold's life.

17:12Right. And so that was so much fun. That was incredible. We got to create what we hoped Arnold's life was like in our cartoonish, childish brain. Oh, yeah. I mean, we'll get to those scenes, I think. Yeah, we're coming up on that. That's a big, very heavily Conan influence. And I think Little Austria really made me happy whenever that emerged. Was that your idea, Little Austria? I love that idea. The cable car going up there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a scene. We might read that scene. It was fun, though. It was fun to get together and work on this thing. Oh, this was so much fun. Just because the characters, it's like the way you guys say, when you laugh, when you would write these, you just can't stop laughing because they're just so high energy and so stupid at the same time.

17:53Well, the rhythms are, yeah, you guys are trying to read the script, but you're not very successful, are you? And also, you remember that we wrote, I mean, we all did, but we wrote at that hotel in Santa Monica, that kind of retro place. Yes, I remember that. Because I have pictures of you, I sketched of you laying on the couch playing with your shoe. Yeah, I used to take, when I was thinking, I used to take off. Your wingtips. I used to wear jeans with old wingtip shoes from like an Army Navy store. And I would take off one of the shoes and just look at it when I was thinking. And you drew a sketch of it, which ended up in your book.

18:25In my book called I Exaggerate, My Brushes With Fame. It's available wherever fantastic books are sold. Yep. And that plug is the only reason Kevin agreed to come in. Thanks, guys. I'll see you later. We got it out of the way. You took a long time to work up to it, bro.

18:44We mentioned earlier this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays. We're very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Now, Sona, I understand that you and Blake got an early screening of this movie. Tell me, what did you think? Oh, I loved it. It was awesome. I miss raunchy comedies. This is a fun, raunchy comedy. It's really actually laugh out loud funny. I saw the trailer, which looked funny. It's they're using live action dogs. Yes. And but with great comedy personalities doing the voices. Yeah. Will Ferrell plays the main dog. Yeah. Then Jamie Foxx. Yeah. Isla Fisher, who's really funny.

19:21Randall Park. And Randall Park, who's awesome. And they're like the four. They're the core dogs. And Will Forte is in the movie as Will Ferrell's owner. Yeah. Will Forte is just a total douche. But Will Ferrell plays that. plays this character where he kind of is an innocent, like, oh, my God, he loves me. But clearly, Will Forte does not love his dog at all. And it was, oh, my God. It's also really smart. Some of my favorite jokes are like, at one point, when the dog goes to the other dogs, hey, you guys went in here and knock, knock joke. And they go, yeah. And she goes, knock, knock. And they'll start barking, which is really good.

19:59And there's this whole thing about the theory that Jamie Foxx's dog has about humans. that they collect all the dog shit because they make it into chocolate, which is why they won't let dogs eat chocolate. It's really great. So yeah, Blay likes all the smart humor. I like all the poo-poo pee-pee jokes in it. And there's a lot of that, and it's really, really funny. Well, it's not a kid's movie. It is rated R. No, not a kid's movie. It's great. But it is from the humans who brought you Cocaine Bear and 21 Jump Street. Yes. It's important to remember. So I'll repeat again. The movie stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, and Randall Parks.

20:34Good cast. Check out Strays only in theaters August 18th. These dogs don't give a sit. What? Yeah. Oh, right. I get it.

20:47All right. Let's read the next scene we're going to read, and we'll begin right now. Here we go.

20:56After losing their TV show, Hans and Franz head back to little Austria to start humble new careers there. Instead, their grandma inspires them to follow in their cousin Arnold Schwarzenegger's footsteps and become Hollywood stars. They also meet their friend Rolf, who seems to be hatching an evil scheme involving girly men. Okay, exterior highway day. Beauty shots of Hans and Franz riding their tandem bikes on the highway. A sign reads, Hollywood, 3 ,063 miles. They notice it and press on determinedly. Cross dissolve, Hans and Franz, biking grim-faced with passing road signs. Smithsonian Institute, Liberty Bell, Gettysburg Memorial.

21:34They ignore them and ride on. The next sign reads, Vienna Wonderland. They turn off the highway. Dissolve to exterior highway later. They are back on their tandem bike. Their knapsacks are stuffed with large, bulky, corny souvenirs. Okay, what loser am I? What sensory did you live in? 19. How flabby were you? I was 40 pounds overweight. Louis Pasteur? You're getting too good.

22:05All right. What loser am I? Were you pear-shaped or completely round? God, I want to play that game. All right. Exterior. Exterior, a small-town laundromat. Day. Hans and Franz pedal up to the entrance. Interior laundromat, same. Hans and Franz are in their long underwear, shoving their sweatsuits into a washing machine. A few nearby customers hold their nose. Cut to Hans and Franz later removing their sweatsuits from a dryer. They have shrunk noticeably. Oh, this is unbelievable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not the proper size. An older woman at the next dryer has noticed them. That's what happens.

22:45These machines, you put your clothes in, you don't know what's coming out. They don't take care of these machines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not going to get your money back. I'll tell you that. They don't care. Yeah, they don't care. Yeah, they don't care. Yeah, well, anyway, you know, we should go. We're going to Hollywood. Can't be any worse than this. Highway later. Hans and Franz are now joined by the older woman on the tandem bike. There are now somehow three seats and three wheels. Interior truck stop diner later. Hans, Franz, and the older woman are seated in a booth ordering from a waitress.

23:20Are any of these foods designed for building sheer mass? Just what's on the menu, sir. Okay, I'll have an anabolic amino schnitzel sandwich with extra egg yolk. We don't serve that sandwich, sir. We have a tuna or chicken salad. You're saying you don't make substitutions? A huge truck driver with two of his buddies belly up to the counter next to Hans and Franz. Lorraine, these characters giving you trouble? I can handle it, boo. Yeah, boo. Yeah, boo. She can handle it, too. Yeah. Good, because I wouldn't want to have to kick anyone's head in. Keep your shirt on. Yeah, don't. Yeah, boo. Don the boo.

23:59The boo-boo. Yeah, don't take your shirt off or your belt because you might cause a flabber lunch. I guess we should take this outside. They get up to leave and start backing out of the diner. Oh, I see. Yeah, very clever. We're going to pummel you and end up in jail. I don't think so. Yeah, hasta la vista, babies. We're headed for Hollywood. They're at the door turning back. Wait a minute. Yeah, what now? Did you say Hollywood? Exterior highway, Hans Franz, the older woman, and the three truck drivers are pedaling on the tandem bike, which now has six seats and six wheels. Okay, interior lair, twilight, music impending doom.