The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 2

0:00Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of The Lost Hans and Frans movie, a special Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Stray's in theaters, August 18th.

0:20Hey, Conan O 'Brien here, and you are listening to episode two, the lost Hans and Franz movie, discussing a script that was written in 1991 by Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Robert Smigel, and myself. It was our dream to bring Hans and Franz to the big screen as a musical. We wrote the script, and here we are after all these years bringing it to life. We all know that this is going to lead to the movie actually being made. And so I'm clearing my schedule for the summer. For a budget of$100 ,000. It'll be on streaming. You'll see. It's going to be great. You know, in the last episode, we talked a little bit about how Hans and Franz came to be.

1:06And I think this is important before we start this, reading the next parts of the script. Kevin, it all began with you seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger doing an interview, and you were kind of enjoyed doing his voice. You called Dana, the two of you, you were out on the road together with Dennis Miller. Hey, cha-cha. And you were... Looks like Conesy-Wonsey gave me a pluggy-woggy. You two were on the road together, and you started doing these two guys, but you were still, you didn't quite see how it could be a character yet. And then Dana, you said there was a point where there was an important revelation.

1:42We played with it. We had the core, I think that they would maybe be the cousins and maybe - Of Schwarzenegger. Of Arnold and worship Arnold. We had that. Distant cousins. But we were kind of thinking the characters, like what would they be? And we were going around with like, are they actually going to lift weights? Like are they going to show that they're strong? And we were probably thought not, but what would they do? So I'm talking with Kevin. And first we were just on the phone doing it. We want to pump you up. We thought, okay, let's do that. And then Kevin, we were just riffing around like this and that.

2:13And then Kevin said, I'll never forget it because it really, it tilted the whole thing. And if you don't believe we're properly pumped up, once we got defensive, then we laughed for two hours on the phone. If you dialed to me in any way, you know, and they would never lift weights. So I think in the first, the first - They never demonstrated their strength. never there's no strength the audience all they did a paranoid delusional sadistic aggressive of toward imaginary enemies and that was their whole thing that's why i don't think the first one or two really scored the first one is unbelievably funny if you watch it now but the audience got hooked it harder as it went along yeah of course yeah well what happens almost every character yeah the first wings world wasn't a giant hit i guess it was just how abstract it was they're never going to show any like we did the first one we set it up and They got it okay.

3:01It was the last sketch of the show. Yeah. And then we didn't do it for a couple weeks. We said, Dana, we should do another one of those. Let's see if, and then we put it out there. And it was like, you know, it was like, people loved it. You know, eventually we had the whole crowd going, we want to pump. And then the whole eight, eight. We go, yeah. You know what I used to love about? We started counting money backstage. I think more so, more so back then. That era of SNL, everybody was always on the hunt for a catchphrase. and I remember very clearly and there was some, you know, pump you up.

3:30I could see you guys thinking what's the catchphrase going to be? Right. Yeah, everything gets wound down into we want to pump you up too. We want to pump you up. We had to stop because I was going to extrapolate. It's like a chef with a reduction. You keep cooking it until it just becomes this cereal. It's like the Bush thing. Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Well, we watched you do the whole arc of George Bush was you starting out saying not gonna do it. And then over time it became la, la, la, la.

3:59He's like, oh. He's had a horrible stroke. Yeah. It went like this.

4:11Combining two catchphrases. It's a living. What can I tell you, folks? It's a living. It's a living. Hey, I'm working here. So we're going to get back into it now. As you last remember, Hans and Franz, they lose their job at their cable television show because they refer to Dr. Martin Luther King as being flabby. They're fired. They ride out on tandem bikes and they get to Hollywood. They're hoping to meet their cousin Arnold. So we take you now. Let's get Arnold in here. Let's get Arnold in here. Yeah, we need it. Let's get him in here. I mean, let's get to work. This is, here we go. Let's go, let's do this.

4:50Reduced to eating letters of the Hollywood sign for sustenance. Pennyless Hans and Franz have no luck finding their cousin in Los Angeles until they are arrested for tackling Arnold at one of his movie premieres. Arnold bails them out of jail and allows them to crash at his house. Meanwhile, Rolf continues to kidnap girly men. Exterior Arnold's house day. A huge sprawling estate, Arnold's Humvees drive past two large flexed metal arms which serve as the gate. Interior Arnold's foyer moments later, a very pumped manservant takes everyone's bag as they enter. Thanks, Benny. Make yourselves comfortable, fellas.

5:30The house is decorated with large sculptures of individual muscles. Wow. Great place. Yeah. It's good for now. As they follow Arnold into the living room, they cross a staircase made up of 15 connecting stair masters ascending to the next level. The living room furniture is also shaped like different muscles This room's where I like to unwind Yeah, Arnold, before we forget We got some stuff for you from back home They pull some junk out of a knapsack We brought you your mail Ha, and tans Arnold some old junk mail Uh, yeah, thanks And also He pulls a beat-up dirty sausage out of his knapsack Your favorite sausage which Grandma Ma cooked for you Uh-huh, that's nice Thanks, guys Arnold reaches over and opens a cabinet A digital monitor reads out 14 calories burned Arnold pulls out a cigar and lights it Let me show you the rest of the place Arnold gets up, Hans and Franz trail him Sure, sure, I'd love to Arnold, can I use the bathroom, please?

6:38Sure, go down to the bicep, make a left at the buttock Thanks Hans continues to follow Arnold. Here, come with me. Arnold's backyard moments later, they cross a swimming pool, a narrow lap pool that stretches a mile into the horizon. There is a yacht in the deep end. Pool. Nice. Yeah, that was good. Yes, I like that. Pool. They continue to follow Arnold elsewhere. He leads them through a secret passageway, a giant buttocks that separates and opens like a door. Arnold's basement moments later. It is a complex underground nerve center, not unlike the war room in Dr. Strangelove. Here's where it all happens, fellas.

7:23I make every career move in this room. A team of advisors are studying a giant tabletop chart, pushing around a small cardboard cutout heads of Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kevin Costner, et cetera. Hans and Franz are very impressed. Show business is like a war. You must always anticipate the enemy's next move. Arnold turns to Howard, an agent in an Italian suit. How's it looking for the pride of the Yankees remake? Costner met with them today. Blow him out. I was meant to play Lou Gehrig. Come, come. Arnold turns and leads Hans and Franz to another wing where scientists in lab coats are studying x-rays, muscles, and skeletal charts.

8:05Who are these people, Arnold? Mother research. You can't forget Pompitude. It's my bread and butter. A scientist approaches Arnold. Any new exercises, Courtney? You know this little bump on the inside of your elbow? It's technically a ligament, but we think it can be made thicker with inverted curls. Good. Add it to my routine. Come over here, fellas. They walk over to a machine that resembles a sleek version of an old steam box. This machine removes all hair from your body, so you're ready for competition. A hairy Italian bodybuilder in Speedo trunk steps into the machine, which makes whirling and buzzing sounds.

8:40Thanks, Franco. I want to give something back to the bodybuilding community. The machine stops. The Italian bodybuilder steps out, hairless from the neck down. He checks under his Speedo and gives a thumbs up. Arnold moves on to a private alcove. Here's my real pride and joy. He presses a button on the wall. A sliding door opens, revealing a gleaming rectangular metal box. For years, man has been poisoning his body with unsafe chemicals in his mad quest for bulk. Soon the madness will end With my new Totally safe Anabolic bulk enhancer Wow And man will finally realize His dream To go from this He refers to a photo of an enormous bodybuilder With bulging muscles To this He refers to a photo of the same bodybuilder Doctored to look three times as muscular It's a truly disgusting sight Oh Oh, my God.

9:41Nice. Unbelievable. So beautiful. The shiny. Oh, I love it. They'd be touched. Yeah, it comes as a cracker. Arnold opens the metal box, revealing rows of round crackers. Franz reaches for one. Arnold slaps his wrist. Not yet. The crackers haven't been perfected. Now, let's go. And remember, don't tell anyone. They leave the alcove and are intercepted by Howard. Arnold, I know you have guests, but... Right, fellas, this is my agent, Howard. Hello, girly man. Nice to meet you, Flavie person. Howard gives Hans and Franz a look. They smile, oblivious.

10:30I remember we would get so excited about jokes where it was very flat. Him talking about all that wondrous thing and then saying something like, it's a cracker. It comes as a cracker. Well, that was totally your joke. But just the idea that then Arnold has to say cracker. Cracker. It's a great Arnold word. Hearing the real Arnold do this would have been just incredible. Yeah, we would have done anything just to have the table read. Arnold would have been, is going to be when we remake it. So funny in this movie. Because the visual gig through the house, that whole thing is placed so. Oh, no, there was a whole scene.

11:06remember the scene where Arnold's on the phone and he's doing like, he's multitasking. He's doing like 20 things at once and controlling because he was such an enormous star at this time that we were able to just exaggerate not only his fame, but also his just like, he was like a superhero within the movie. Yeah. We had lunch with him at, was it? Shotsies. Yeah. Shotsies. To talk about this movie. Yeah. We had one meeting with him and I'll just set the table, which is down in Venice, there was a restaurant called Shotzi's that I think Arnold owned. He did. He bought it for his mother. Yeah. And it was, you could get like Austrian food there.

11:44And you know, just as a side note, I think who used to sometimes frequent that little area was sort of an outdoor kind of mini mall area and Shotzi's was there. And I later heard from Rick Ledwin that Johnny Carson used to go there and he would meet Johnny Carson at that same place. Rick would meet Johnny Carson at Shotzi's? Yeah, at Shotzi's. And Shotzi's was this place where - Arnold, what's on the appetizer list? I'm not telling you. But you know what? This is what I heard from Rick Ludwin, a good friend of ours going back years on SNL and the late night show. Yes. He said that he was having one of his meetings with Johnny Carson, who was retired, but like still just this huge legendary figure.

12:24Yeah. And he's sitting there at Shotzi's with Rick Ludwin and they're having a lunch. And Arnold came by and it was a whole thing like, We miss you, Johnny. You know, it was all about, you've got to come back on television. And Johnny was, you know, a doodle. Oh, thank you very much, but I'm having a good time on my boat. I think he's having a good time on his boat. Leno, how did you get here? Alex, should I have watched the... What are you bothering Johnny for? Leave Johnny alone. You came out of the... Oh, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm going to tell Johnny what to do. You don't tell Johnny what to do.

12:58What are you doing? Leave him alone. Where did he come out of the heat vent he was listening in? Yeah, I'm from everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, I was just in the kitchen. I went to that place once. I met him there once without you guys. Arnold? Yeah. And at the end, he's like, okay, time for cigars and schnapps. And he had a cigar cutter, and then you had to do a shot of schnapps. This was you do at the end of a meal. It's like an exclamation time point. So we should talk about this because we did have a meeting with Schwarzenegger. Yes. We all went. And I remember there was some other people there too, obviously, some agents.

13:37Normally you'd have Austrian friends around, like big, brilliant, blonde guys. Yeah. In this case, it was just agents and things. Yeah. And I didn't remember having any interaction with him other than, hi, fellas. I mean, I think he talked to you guys. But we sat at a table. Yeah, we sat at a table. But I'm saying - Do you remember - I remember him talking about Junior. I remember the first thing he said. First thing he said, you guys have gone crazy with the Borex giant buttocks opening and closing. I remember he went to that part. He had read it. Or at least enough of it, but he mentioned that.

14:06He was excited at that point. And then he was just telling us about his other projects. Yeah, I'm going to be a, I play a pregnant guy and it's really touching and heartwarming. You know, because I go through and I understand what women go through. Comedy is because the man, you know, traditionally doesn't have a belly from being pregnant. Exactly. You see a man with that. I like that he gets into it because a man doesn't have a uterus. You see? Yeah. He does not have overly uterus. You know the thing that you use to urinate? Yeah. That's what women don't have that. Men only. Let me tell you. Let me brought out a diagram.

14:44That was weird. Let me tell you something. I'm the only man who's pregnant that has a six pack over the belly of the little child. Even the child has a six pack inside. my six pack would crush the child is there any chance Arnold like three months from now is driving down the road listening to this sure yeah it's funny you know maybe we go back my dream would just be for him to do a live reading with us and just do it for charity or for us or we say it's for charity we say it's for charity and then we pocket the money I've done that many times and people rarely look into it they don't know There's no forensic audit.

15:25That's a lie. Steve Martin had a great joke. Steve Martin did a charity. He goes, congratulations, you've raised$500 ,000 minus my salary. So that's$200 for the kids.

15:45We mentioned earlier this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays. We're very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Now, Sona, I understand that you and Blake got an early screening of this movie. Tell me, what did you think? Oh, I loved it. Absolutely. It was awesome. I miss raunchy comedies. This is a fun, raunchy comedy. It's really actually laugh out loud funny. I saw the trailer, which looked funny. They're using live action dogs. Yes. But with great comedy personalities doing the voices. Yeah. Will Ferrell plays the main dog. Yeah, then Jamie Foxx is great.

16:22Isla Fisher, who's really funny. Randall Park, who's incredible. And Randall Park, who's awesome. And they're like the four, they're the core dogs. And Will Forte is in the movie as Will Ferrell's owner. Yeah. And Will Forte is just a total douche. Such an asshole. But Will Ferrell plays this character where he kind of is an innocent, like, oh my God, he loves me. But clearly, Will Forte does not love his dog at all. And it was, oh my God. It's also really smart. Some of my favorite jokes are like at one point when the dog goes to the other dogs, hey, you guys went in here and knock, knock joke.

16:57And they go, yeah. She goes, knock, knock. And they'll start barking, which is really good. And there's this whole thing about they want like the theory that Jamie Foxx's dog has about humans. They collect all the dogs, all the dog shit because they make it into chocolate, which is why they won't let dogs eat chocolate. It's really great. So, yeah, Blay likes all the smart humor. I like all the poo-poo pee-pee jokes in it. And there's a lot of that, and it's really, really funny. Well, it's not a kid's movie. It is rated R. No, not a kid's movie. Not a kid's movie. It's great. But it is from the humans who brought you Cocaine Bear and 21 Jump Street.

17:31Yes. It's important to remember. Yeah, it's great. I'll repeat again. The movie stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, and Randall Parks. Good cast. Check out Strays only in theaters August 18th. These dogs don't give a sit. What? Yeah. Oh, right. I get it. All right, we're going to go back to it now. And here we go.

17:59Interior, Arnold's house, kitchen. What are you fellas cooking? Glutzen Schatzel. Yeah, we figured it was our last night. Glutzen Schatzel? Franz pierces a piece with a fork and timidly offers it to Arnold. Arnold eyes it cautiously, then tastes it. My God, it's just how I tasted in the old country. Arnold, how come you never talk about the old country? It's not the most pleasant memory. Believe me now, let it out. I was a happy child, but it wasn't easy for my family. Dissolved to exterior the old country marketplace 30 years ago. Poverty-stricken villagers exchanged sparse items. Some children are lifting tiny weights.

18:43It was during the war. Food and weights were hard to come by. Families struggled to stay pumped. Which war was it, Arnold? Who knows? The war. So many. Dissolved to water's edge later, young Arnold, age 15, with flowing locks in lederhosen, hugging his family. I loved my simple life, but I was too massive for my family to support. So in desperation. Exterior ocean. Later, young Arnold floating in a giant bottle across the ocean. They sent me to the States. The only way they could afford to. Promising they'd join me later. Exterior, Ellis Island. Day, young Arnold online with tons of other immigrants.

19:30Still, I felt abandoned. And then on Ellis Island, I was humiliated. Young Arnold steps up to the immigration booth. They shortened my name. A rude clerk is in the booth. What's your name, son? Arnold Schwarzenegger Schlatzen Grausen Jammerstein. Okay, forget it. Now you're Schwarzenegger. Young Arnold is stunned. He walks away slowly, then stops. I had nothing left. So I told myself I'd never look back. Dissolved to interior Arnold's office, day 1979. Pan the wall. Posters of Arnold as Mr. Olympia, Arnold in Pumping Iron, Arnold as Conan the Barbarian, etc. I focused on my career, and it paid off.

20:13A 70s Arnold receives a phone call. Then one day, I got a call from little Austria. My grandpapa was sick. I thought I'd finally make amends. Exterior, little Austria, church, day. Morning villagers are gathered outside. A casket emerges from the entrance. Arnold is the lone pallbearer carrying the casket by one handle. He is downcast. But I was too late. He sadly does a rep with the casket.

20:42Exterior Arnold's pool, same. Hans and Franz are taking it in. We never knew, Arnold. We never knew. Yeah, yeah. You can never get it back, fellas. Arnold, how about a dooze schnapps? You guys brought dooze schnapps? We raided Grandmama's liquor cabinet. I don't know, fellas. Exterior Arnold's pool later. All three are drunk, giggling hysterically and joking in German as they laugh.

21:11I do it because I'm insecure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why I do it. I love you guys. You're such losers. Don't leave tomorrow, okay? Arnold starts an Austrian drinking song and Hans and Franz join in.

21:40It's really fun to imagine the real Schwarzenegger doing all that. At what point do you want to talk about why the movie didn't get made? Well, one thing, I'll start the conversation with this, is that I was naive, personally, and found out later, maybe from the late, great Brad Gray, he's got like 10 things at all times. He has multiple, multiple projects. but I was, I didn't really realize how, you know, we were not necessarily on the top of the list but we might have got made but I was probably thinking more like maybe had two projects or three. Well, what I like to do too is I have like five projects lined up for myself and what I do is it depends on, you know, what I'm looking for.

22:19We're not talking about yard work, Kevin. Oh, I see. I thought you were. Is this one of your projects right now? No, no, it's raking leaves and shoveling driveways. This doesn't count as a project? I'm screwed. But in retrospect, isn't it, I mean, there are other reasons too but he always movie stars huge movie stars like the rock doesn't have like just two two things but i remember a specific phone call that like i got to talk to his this was there a guy named lou you guys anybody like his manager was named lou and the guy tells me that uh because so while we were waiting last action hero came out and kind of bombed and last action hero he didn't play himself but he played it was a tongue-in-cheek he parried he parried as an action hero as an action hero and uh lou basically said that arnold it was almost like you know this proves the law that you can't do yourself i'll never do myself in the movie again right right that was no last lesson that he took from that at the time we heard that because last action hero came out i don't know if it came out while we were writing it i think it was he was developing that then while he was talking to us about this script yes he was so it's that it was an and or if we'd gotten to it first maybe would have got made then we would have been you never to make fun of yourself after 30 minutes or that or if ours had been a hit then he would have just you always make fun of yourself you only make fun of yourself i play myself every time there must be buttock stores in every movie i make i mean he really was he was the biggest like muscular guy like now they got so many action stars like that you know they got rock no but skinny actors skinny movie stars get incredibly pumped up now yeah they do like jake clickenhall or just normal click on click on click and his brother click and hemer yeah jake love and great actor he's probably listening but he was they all have to do superhero at a normal frame but then it's like you know i will say this have you seen kumail i mean oh yeah but totally but i will say this uh have you seen me if you're Looking at the people that do a lot of them, I'm going to do the action movies or the Marvel movies, they get very cut, but Arnold was different.

24:32Arnold at his peak was massive in a way that none of these guys are. I mean, he really was. He's a legit bodybuilder. Yeah, he was a real bodybuilder. So the rock might be bigger than Arnold, I think. Physically? Physically? At this point? I don't think so. Really? But Arnold was huge. Not Arnold when he was a bodybuilder. Arnold was huge. Not the pumping iron Arnold. But I'd have to see him side by side in their prime. I'm going to say that Arnold was a bodybuilder, though. And the Rock was a wrestler. I know. I'll ask some gym rats about that. But I think he was also, you could be more reckless about it then.

25:08But here's something that everyone will find fascinating. I was going to do Bad Boys because those guys always talk about it, even with me and Lovitz. Yes. So turned it down. But in the meantime, Simpson and Bruckheimer, I was going to play the Will Smith part. you know and they said yeah we're gonna get a trainer we're gonna add two inches to your chest good god to try to build me up to be like i mean will smith is like six four it's crazy he's not six four all right two and a half nope but anyway they even tried to do it to me i graduated high school at this height at 125 it would have been a heavy lift no pun intended but you know what i love is um the insane commitment to the weight lifting thing which even when you were describing them as being in this really, the thing that there wasn't much food to eat and it was hard to get weights.

25:54A weight is anything you can lift. I love the stupidity of there wasn't, there wasn't much money for weights. That being a hardship, weights have to be flown in to this impoverished area so people can bump up. All right. That does it for the second episode of hans and franz the girly man dilemma this is the uh the table read we're bringing this magical script from 1991 to life with uh dana carvey kevin neal and robert smigel and myself so stick around for the next episode where things really heat up we never even had a table read for the original no we didn't that would have been fun wow couldn't afford a table we got could have punched it up for that maybe if arnold had just come to a table read and heard the laughs he would of got a time machine.