The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 3

0:00Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Stray's in theaters August 18th.

0:21All right, Conan O 'Brien here. Welcome to episode three of the reading of the lost Hansen Franz script. Here with Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Robert Smigel, myself. No reason to say hi, Really? Not at all? No, I'm just courteous and I'm friendly. Yeah, and you're also chewing something. It's cud. Okay. You're like a cow in the corner. Cud. It's just a... We find ourselves in this episode. We're in Beverly Hills, and I think there's an evil plot that's... Oh, yes. That's at work here. Some girly man abductions are going to take place. So let's set the scene.

1:04Exterior Beverly Hills day. Muscle men goons walking purposely down a Beverly Hills street. They kick down a door, rush in, emerge with Gavin McCloud. In mid-eating of a sandwich. The actor who played the captain on the love boat. A goon spray paints one less girly man on the wall. Oh, Bob Saget was in this. Oh, it's too bad. God rest your soul, Bob. Our thoughts go out to you. What about Gavin? What about his soul? Oh, right. What about Ebert? Nah. Yeah. Holy smokes. It's like Saget's got the only soul around here. What the hell? I knew Gavin McCloud. That man had no soul. Bob Saget on the set of his show, a net is thrown over him in musclemen.

1:46Goons drag him off. Insert TV screen. A newscast in progress. A picture of John Ritter. Oh my God. Is there anyone alive in this movie? What do you, what's your take on his soul? Would you like God to rest it? My take is, I already said it. My take is that this script is like the ring. Oh, yeah. Anybody who's in it, die. Oh, it's been 30 years. Let's do it just a blanket. God rest everyone on this movie sold. Who's no longer here. Who's other than Kevin Keenan. Okay, insert TV screen. A newscast in progress, a picture of a very much alive John Ritter over the anchor woman's shoulder, subtitled, Gurley Nap.

2:19Once again, a message was left, this time reading, what a complete Gurley Man. The total is now at 16 Gurley Nappings as... Insert another report. A possible breakthrough in the Gurley Nap mystery. The term girly man has been traced to an obscure bodybuilding program. A clip of Pumping Up with Hans and Franz is played. That was canceled not long ago before the first girly nap occurred. Interior Arnold's living room later. Hans and Franz and Arnold are lounging in their lederhosen.

2:49Each drinking a blender full of protein shake. What do they mean obscure? Yeah. Fellas, this is not good. Why? Jealous we're on TV? We got big problems. Someone is jealous Arnold sighs in frustration Exterior, Arnold's house, night Smuts and grass Exterior, Arnold's house, night A slew of police cars descend upon the house Interior, Arnold's living room, later Several investigators are questioning Hans and Franz as Arnold watches Have you ever used the term girly man? Yeah When was the last time you used it? About a minute ago As the investigators take notes, Arnold interrupts Excuse me, Sergeant, but this is ridiculous I've known these guys a long time.

3:30Plus, I'm a huge star. Doesn't that count for some favoritism? You're right, Mr. Schwarzenegger. We're sorry to take up your time. Everyone gets up just then. Just that easy. It actually is. Just then, a few cops emerge from the basement. Sir, we've located a breakdown in the security systems downstairs. Well? Arnold runs to the open wall where the box of crackers is missing. My crackers! Who could have taken them? Only we knew about them. I mean, but we didn't. I'm afraid we're going to have to bring your cousins in for more questioning. Arnold, please. Let it wait until tomorrow. For God's sakes, I'm bigger than Clark Gable.

4:07Fair enough. Also dead. The investigator and cops leave. We're innocent, Arnold. Believe us now. Put your hand on your bicep. Do you swear on your cardiovascular system so help your buttock muscle? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. All right. So now what do we do? You've got the cops after you, and I've got no crackers. I know. It's really getting exciting. Yeah, yeah. I wonder what he thinks. What who thinks? Follow up. Hans and Franz run through another secret door with Arnold following them. Interior screening room. Moments later, Hans and Franz walk behind the aisle towards Ebert's seat. Again, movie critic.

4:46Arnold trails behind. What's the deal, fellas? Pretty damn good, huh, Ebert? The seat is empty, except for some popcorn and candy. Yeah. Ebert? They notice the empty seat and look to camera. They got Ebert! They got Ebert! Ebert! Interior, lair, same. Roger Ebert is struggling on a cross-country skiing machine. Wearing shorts and a tank top, a muscle man goon cracks it up behind him as he huffs and puffs. Rolf walks by. Spare no discipline. This one's a project. Good one, Lieutenant. With these mass building crackers, our plan cannot fail. I'll commence feeding immediately. Soon the girly man will be ready to enter the Mr.

5:38Little Austria contest, where I will display them to the world. Yes. Good. And what about the environment? Oh, it's smarting. Looks right to camera. It's marting

6:00Insert movie screen The same scene is continuing on the screen Rolf and Mr. X laughing Interior screening room Hans and Franz are watching Intently sitting and eating Ebert's popcorn Unbelievable It was Rolf for long What a cad He's got my crackers And how about the other guy? Yeah, with the voice Yeah, he's terrible too It's a great movie though Yeah, but the crackers They're not ready to be eaten. They're going to have side effects. Terrible side effects. You've got to get back to Little Austria and stab them. The entire town is in great danger. Oh, no. How much time into the side effects? They will take effect.

6:39Turning right into camera. In T-minus 72 hours. Music. Dramatic sting. As Arnold speaks, a digital clock readout marked time until side effects. 72 hours appears in the lower left corner and immediately starts ticking down. Oh no, what do we do? You've got to get the antidote to the girly man. Here it is. Arnold produces and hands them a can of Cheez Whiz. It comes in the form of Cheez Whiz. Now go!

7:10All right, well, clearly we keep inserting words we just want Arnold to say, like Cheez Whiz and Cracker. Cheez Whiz and Cracker. Cheez Whiz. This is one of my favorite things in the movie. this is one of my favorite things I ever, the Siskel and Ebert thing, or it was, it was originally Siskel and Ebert, but Ebert, that was funny to me to just put, have Arnold and I mean, have these guys walk and watch a critic in the middle of the movie, like several times, but then it got to this stage of the movie and all of these bad comedies back then had like, there were two things that I really wanted to do in this movie was like, have the bad guy be funny, which just didn't exist.

7:45Like all these eighties movies were funny in a lot of ways, but they would always have that serious bad guy like max von cito that you'd have to take i'm like the marvel movies now where they're all like at that little kind of a oh everything twist everything's a wink yeah austin powers austin powell he's like he he cracked the code he came up with a character as funny as uh as the main guy but uh but the whole rolf thing for one thing like i i love that because it was like it was sort of a final solution i mean it's from my dark Jewish sensibility. I sort of, what I was looking at this morning, I thought it was a little.

8:20Yeah, no, it's the bad guy who wants to take, who wants to take what you guys do way too far. Right. And then the other thing in these movies was there would be like these messages about things like the environment. Yes. In these bad 80s comedies, like they'd try to have a morality play going on at the same time. A lot of it got into the save the world mentality. Yep. So I love the idea that is this uh caddyshack or what do you which ones no not caddyshack but like spies like us kind of movies or dragnet there were there were a lot of serious bad guys in these movies and that would sort of stop the film cold so then here i love the idea of like um ralph he had his he had his first plan about you know just eliminating girly men but then just tacked on gratuitously and i'm going to hurt the environment yeah what's also that it's just a button yeah he just pushes a button that hurts the environment environment herder yeah yeah so we get to this point in the movie and another device that's always in these kinds of movies is like you have to figure out a way for the hero to find out what the bad guy's up to and it's always some lame device overhearing yep you know it's a button over here yeah the overhear button and here like just accidentally we'd set up this thing where ebert's watching the movie so they walk in and instead of it just being the third version of this joke they actually get to watch what's happening they find out about the bad guy right by watching the movie i think is it meta is that yes that was the first meta joke ever yes that's right not the facebook pattern company i also love that when you read a script, a normal script, oftentimes, if someone's introduced, it says someone like a Kirk Cameron, someone like, but we're, you know, I'm just throwing out random names or some, you know, someone like a Rob Lowe, but, but because we were starting with the assumption that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be more than half the movie.

10:29Uh, once you, once you've swallowed that pill, we go hog wild and it's, and, and, and suddenly we're just throwing people in the movie left and right. Without a doubt. Hey, we'll do it. If Arnold will do it, Sonny Bono will do it. Yeah, Arnold can just call people up and say, you're doing it. And he was, you know, he could do it. Yeah. So I think, I love that. I love that just the, we were so sure that everyone - We dreamed big. Sure. We swung for the fences. And ultimately, no one did it. Is that right? Yeah, no one did it. Didn't come to fruition, as they say. Well, no, you're ruining the ending because I think a lot of people listening don't know if this movie was ever made or not.

11:07So let's keep that as a possibility. Maybe it did come out. Maybe they read the Ebert book. Maybe it was a massive 1992 hit. Could have been, man. A lot of hits from 1992 have been forgotten. So why not just... Yeah, let's just tell people it was made and it actually did pretty well. And this is a big reunion. Yeah, exactly. The real Arnold's on his way. Based on a true story. Well, let's not say it's never been made yet. We can say that. Yet. Never say never. Yeah. No pain, no gain.

11:41We mentioned earlier, this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie, Strays. Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Sona, you and Blay went to an early screening and you told me you really liked it. I loved it. And I actually am really glad they're sponsoring because I don't have to lie and say I like that. I actually really, really liked it a lot. It made me laugh. Blay, what did you think? I loved it. it's about Reggie a naive and eternally optimistic dog who's trying to find his way back home when he meets Bug a street smart stray that teaches Reggie how fucking great life can be when you're off the leash it was fantastic.

12:17It's like a classic raunchy comedy. And what are some of the jokes that you liked in it? Well there's one where they go to like a carnival and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war and then there's just like a really funny take on it one is like also they want to be friends with each other so they just all pee on each other. Yeah if you pee on something you own it. And my favorite part was they do shrooms at one point. It gets like really trippy. It was super, super funny. It's really funny. I mean, we're not doing it justice. It's definitely, if you just want to laugh in a movie, it's awesome.

12:45Well, it's not a kid's movie. We want to point out it's rated R. Definitely. All right. So there's no confusion there. Don't pack up all the kids and bring them. Yeah. But I have heard this is quite a funny movie. It is from the humans who brought you Cocaine Bear and 21 Jump Street. Yes. It's important to remember. So these people know what they're doing and it stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, and Randall Park. The best. It's a very good cast. So check out Strays. Only in theaters August 18th. You gotta go to the theater. It's time to go back, people. These dogs don't give a sit. See what I did there?

13:20All right, should we get back to it?

13:27Arnold, too concerned with his Hollywood career to leave, sends Hans and Franz back to Little Austria to infiltrate Rolf's evil lair and save the girly men from becoming out-of-control muscle-bound monsters. Exterior, Highway Night. Hans and Franz ride their tandem bike down at Dark Highway. They're almost there, Hansi. Yeah, soon we'll be heroes. But how do we get into the evil lair to save the girly man? Well, I'm afraid there's only one way. Exterior, Urban Landscape. Day. Hans and Franz approach. Interior, Little Austria entrance. Same. They have gone undercover as girly men. And wear exaggerated disguises.

14:02Hans excessively effeminate. Franz excessively nerdy. Clock reads 21 hours, 6 minutes, 28 seconds. That's good to be back, isn't it, Hans? Shh. Remember, we're girly men. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We must adopt girly mannerisms. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Interior, Little Austria, Town Square, same. They mill about trying to get noticed. My, look at all the pretty flowers. Yeah. I would look at them, but I'm too busy not exercising. A few muscleman goons see them and whisper to each other. Hans addresses a woman. Oh, you simply must tell me where you got the top. I can't believe my squinty lose her eyes.

14:41The goons approach them. Would you two gentlemen like to come with us? For whatever fall? Hans and Franz share a wink as they are taken away. Interior, Rolf's lair, moments later. Rolf is examining Hans and Franz, who continue playing up their disguises. Clock, 21 hours, 1 minute, 48 seconds. So glad you could join me. I have special plans for the both of you. Hans and Franz! Hans and Franz, surprised, drop their attitudes. Take them away! Hans and Franz are grabbed and hauled away. We should have known it would be impossible to hide our considerable bulk. Yeah, yeah, but I think you did have them fooled for a minute there.

15:21I think you are quite mistaken, my friend. if you thought anyone was a curly man. Interior layer later. Ebert is inside a machine marked flabosuction. What was he gonna think when he read this? It is connected. What time and where? Listen.

15:43I just wanna make sure I'm saying it right. Is it flabosuction? Yes, yes. The flabosuction machine is connected through a network of tubes to Hans and Franz who are tied down to another machine. Ralph stands triumphantly on a perch above them The clock now reads 00 hours, 11 minutes, 16 seconds Oh my god How fortuitous of you to arrive at this moment You see, I was just about to suck the flab From this shumungous critic Still reading, Ebert? But now that you're here The flab won't go to waste Our bodies will reject the Ebert flab Yeah, it's like oil in water Shut up! We'll see who can't accept Ebert Flab And then Ebert says Could you stop calling it Ebert Flab?

16:31Please, don't give us a bad review Enough! Commence! Flab or suction?

16:40A muscleman goon hits a switch Slowly we see chunks of flab Going through the tubing towards Hans and Franz Oh, no. No, I'm too young to be a loser. No, it can't be happening. This is not us. Stop it.

16:58What the hell's going to happen? I don't know. That was a cliffhanger, guys. It was quite a cliffhanger. We're going to drop off right there for this episode. I mean, that's incredible. Hans and Franz are tied down while chunks of fat are being taken out of revered critic Roger Ebert. Roger Ebert. Thanks to the evil Rolf, who, by the way, Rolf was, the idea to play Rolf was Dolph Lundgren. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. I like the part where Dana doesn't want me to think you really was effeminate or a girly man. Yeah, they're still bickering about, they've been caught and probably know they're about to be killed, but they're bickering about.

17:34We weren't convincing. Yeah. We were convincing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were not. That's the reason. We are too muscular. How could we possibly do this? You didn't want anybody to think you were convincing enough to be a girly man. It was so laughable that anyone could think we were perfectly pumped up. Isn't it funny how I thought we were feminine? I knew it never worked. There's no disguising with these things. I'm trying to figure out. Guys, had we, let's say it had gone ahead and it had come time to send the script to Ebert. I just picture, I know that it would have been Robert and I on the phone or in person saying, hey, we want to talk to you.

18:11And then how would we sell that, that it's all about your flat? Yeah, what would be in it for him? I got to experience this years later doing Triumph. Yep, yep. And I would get people to do stuff in advance, and it was always hilarious. Right. You know, and I think Ebert, I mean, I think in this case, Hans and Franz were already hit characters. If Arnold had really done the movie, I honestly think a lot of these people. Do you think Ebert would have done it? Yes, I do. Yeah, I do. I don't think Siskel would, though. Hebert was the good one out of there, too. You know what I mean? You know what?

18:44Originally, you brought up Triumph, and I think it's worth remembering. I remember when Triumph got really big and huge, people would contact us and say, oh, oh, I want Triumph to get me. And I remembered it was Bon Jovi. Yes, that was Richie Sambora's completely. Yeah, Richie Sambora wanted it. And so, and the guys were all excited and they put Triumph's picture on the backstage passes. On their backstage pass, yes. And it was a big thing. And then I remembered you went there and all the jokes were so mean about Jon Bon Jovi. And you thought, at the end, is there some part of him? I remember there was like - He was not, he was the only one.

19:23He's very nice to me more in later years, but I could tell that he was not as into it as the rest of the band. Well, he was really into getting his acting career going. and you said, oh, I understand in this movie you play a vampire. Finally, a role that requires you to suck. Yes. And I saw the - Brian Stacks joke. I saw the light go out of his eyes a little bit and I thought, oh shit. Yeah. Yeah. I think with Ebert on the set, getting the thing hooked up, I think he would have walked. Oh yeah. He was a lot heavier than - I don't. No, he wouldn't have walked. He couldn't have. He's attached to a hose.

19:57That was the trick. That's, I see. Get your cameos tied up to an object. Yeah. Yeah, that was my trick back at Triumph. No, people like Joey Fatone, they're dying to get out there and be shat on. Right, right. I mean, they are. It's 11. It became a high honor, like having Rickles shit on you. It became, I remember once we did a Triumph on Late Night where, and Simon Cowell was sitting right next to me and you tore into Simon Cowell and I'm sitting right next to him and you really go at him. And after it was over, he looked at me and he was covered in sweat and he went, that was rough. Really? Yes.

20:34That's so funny because I remember afterward him telling me, no, this will be good for me. No, no, no. But while he was going through it, he said it was rough. That's so funny. What would be your opening line to Ebert to try to get him to do this? I would say... Roger, how are you? Hey, congratulations. Arnold Schwarzenegger, biggest star in the world because it's 1991, wants you to be in his next film. Okay. And he doesn't want Siskel. And he doesn't want Siskel. That would have got him. Oh, I see. How about you, Smyker? What would you say to him? to Ebert. Yeah. Um, I would have said, uh, uh, this is, uh, read the script and see what you think.

21:09Uh, I would have tried to be very complimentary that we love your show. And so you would let them discover what the thing was alone. I would have said it's, you know, no, I would have set up the story. I would have said you're going to be, there's going to be a whole bunch of celebrities that, uh, this, this evil guy wants to convert into muscle men. I wouldn't have mentioned, I wouldn't have said that they're all flabby. Can I say one thing? Unattractive. What I would have done? Yeah. I would have gone back, re-read it, and taken out the line that Rolf has. You see, I'm just about to suck the flab from this humongous critic.

21:44I would have just deleted the line humongous. For now. And then added it on the day of the shooting. Dolph improvises. You know Dolph. Yeah. You know, once you get Dolph Lundgren going. We're just gonna try one take where he calls you humongous. We won't even use it. I didn't see the flabosuction thing in here before. Did you add that? The flabosuction? Dana, what would you say? Seriously, I would compliment him. You are so averse to conflict. You would be nowhere around. I would tell him, you don't really have to do this. You don't need it. Yeah, that's for sure. You don't need it, but we think it's a lot of good fun.

22:21It's ridiculous. You would have said it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It's silly. The characters are silly. The whole thing is in good fun. everyone is having fun in this movie yes and and having fun with their image so i think it would be really funny uh roger or r whatever uh eb um yeah i just would have tried to butter him up smooth him over about this like for the triumph and what i did but like you every everybody you impersonated well like for example arnold was dying to do the sketch on the show and john mclaughlin and regis president bush yeah all these people were thrilled because you weren't talking about sucking flab out of them.

22:56Oh, but you know, it was still pretty, uh, here's what I would say. And this is why I'm not a good negotiator. I would open up like this, Roger, you're not going to like this. How about this, Roger? You're not going to like this, but first let's concede. You could lose some, lose a few pounds. Well, also besides a competition with Cisco, was there another reviewer that he would maybe hate? And we go, we rejected him. Yeah, we rejected this other Pauline Kale. If it's not you, we're going to get Pauline Kale, and then he has to do it. Oh, right, then he has to do it. He wants to deny Kale the privilege of being on you.

23:34Anyway, this has been Inside Baseball, How to Manipulate People to Do Your Project with Conan O 'Brien. It actually is next week, Al Roker. Yeah. All right, this is the end of episode three. Join us for episode four, where we read more of the Lost Hans and Franz movie to a nation that just can't get enough. We'll see you then.