The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 4

0:00Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of The Lost Hans and Frans movie, a special Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode to hear more about what we thought of the movie. Check out Stray's in theaters August 18th.

0:20Hey, Conan O 'Brien here. Welcome to installment four of the lost Hans and Franz movie, The Girly Man Dilemma. If you've been following, and I think you have if you're listening to episode four. If not, you're an idiot. If you're starting with this one, it will make no sense. But yes, we are reading a script that was written in 1991 by Dana Carvey, Kevin Neal, and Robert Smigel, and myself, and featuring what we hoped would be Arnold Schwarzenegger in the starring role. We'll tell you if that ended up happening or not. Don't Google it. And so now we're, things are really coming along here. I think when we last left, I believe Rolf, who's evil, evil Rolf, was sucking the flab from film critic, Jesus Christ, Roger Ebert, and pumping it into Hans and Franz against their will.

1:13That old saw. Yeah. You've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. Okay, here we go.

1:24After coming to his senses that helping others is more important than a career in show business, Arnold saves Hans and Franz at the last second, and the three head to Little Austria for a final showdown. Exterior, Little Austriatown Square, saying, The havoc continues. Four pumped girly men are carrying the schoolhouse. Redenbacher is now digging a huge hole like a dog. Horses and townspeople are flying everywhere. Suddenly, Arnold arrives in the Humvee with Hans and Franz. Interior, Humvee. Arnold reaches for the dashboard. We see a button marked, Impressive Entrance. He pushes it. Exterior, Humvee.

1:55Arnold is ejected from the cab, flipping several times in a tucked position through the air until finally landing feet first in the middle of the crowd. Those that have witnessed this stop in their tracks. They can't believe it's him. It's Arnold. Oh, he's back. Arnold starts pulling the pumped up girly men off some of the townspeople. He punches the pumped up Sonny Bono. God rest his soul. Wow. Sending him flying into a clothesline where he lands in a little Lord Fauntleroy outfit hanging out to dry. Hans and Franz watch from the sidelines standing near a pretty girl. Now it's a Popeye episode.

2:30I know. Yeah. We are his cousins. Arnold tussles with the pumped John Ritter and Orville Redenbacher. Oh, my God. Hey, if you're listening, get out your late 80s, early 90s reference card. Orville Redenbacher. His popcorn lives on. Sure, you're right. Everybody knows that guy. Arnold tussles with the pumped up John Ritter and Orville Redenbacher saying I'm flying into twin baby carriages. We stayed over at his house. Arnold punches the pumped up Paul Simon, sending him skyward. He's alive! He's alive! Simon crashes through the base of an airborne plane. Airplane, first class, same. Simon's torso sticks out through the floor.

3:09A female flight attendant approaches him. Care for a warm towel, sir? Wah, wah. What a revolting development. Oh, yeah, Paul Simon would do it. Oh, he would because of Lorne. You're right. Lorne would have said, you should do it, Paul. It shows that you're laughing at yourself. Exterior Little Austria Town Square saying, with the last girly men vanquished, Arnold suddenly notices the clock tower about to fall over. As the crowd screams in horror, Arnold begins flexing his pecs over and over, faster and faster. Until they are going so fast, they propel him to float upward like a helicopter. So,

3:51helicopter whirr. Arnold floats, and I want you to understand this, everybody listening, His pecs are flexing so quickly, they have the same effect as helicopter blades. They create lift. Arnold floats to the top of the tower and tilts it upright. As he floats down, everyone cheers Arnold. He took a shopping for clothes. Franz is still bragging to a girl sitting next to him. Arnold climbs up on the stage as the cheering continues. All right, listen. Do you understand what happened here? This was madness. You can't wipe out girly men. A lot of these girly men are important accountants and graphic designers.

4:29Are you saying that girly men have value? No! Yes, yes, yes! I am saying it! Why, without girly men, there'd be no Muslim men! No Muslim men? Who do you think made these exercise machines? Girly men! These machines did not just happen turning the page. licking my finger. These machines did not just happen. Some nerdy girly man sat on his fat buttocks and designed them. Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! That's my Arnold! Grandmama. Yeah. We should say, we wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play his own grandmother. Yeah, so Arnold wearing a grandmother's... Wasn't enough! We were going to say, oh, and Arnold, by the way, we're putting a grandmother wig on you.

5:21Yes. You're gonna Madea it and say, That's my Arnold! Arnold is exultant. He waves to Grandmama. Suddenly, Rolf swings from the Mr. Little Austria banner and knocks Arnold over. Gone soft, Mr. Hollywood? They circle each other on stage. The crowd watches anxiously. Welcome to your rap party. The crowd murmurs in approval. That was a good one. Sorry to be the party pooper. The crowd murmurs again. That wasn't too shabby. You're the pooper. I'm the pooper. Scooper. Oh, crowd murmurs loudly. That was the topper so far. Rolf reaches and picks up a large barbell. Scoop this! Rolf flicks the barbell, firing three giant weights at Arnold.

6:12Arnold catches the first two with each hand and the third one in his mouth. He spits it out and speaks. Watch yourself. I could very easily stretch your flab so thin I could use it for dental floss. You arrogant son of a Fritzschild. Rolf charges Arnold with the barbell through special effects. And trick photography. And trick photography. I wonder why we had to say that. As if everything else can happen easily. Arnold grabs Rolf and actually stretches his buttocks and love handles into long ropes of flab, rapidly stretching them thinner and thinner. Exterior stage moments later, Arnold Hans and Franz are sitting atop a dazed Rolf.

6:55They are flossing their teeth with his stretched flab. So gross. Remember, fellas, get under the gum. It's very important. The crowd cheers. Yay! Suddenly, lasers shoot out of the sky, narrowly missing Arnold Hans and Franz. They converge and form a giant, swirling, holographic image that represents Mr. X. Postpone your celebration. The townspeople huddle in fear. Who's that? Oh, no, it's the voice guy from the earlier in the movie. You have interfered, and for that you will pay the price. I do not take kindly to meddling muscle heads, faring up my work. As Mr. X speaks, pan over a frightened villager's faces, ending on helmet licking a candy apple.

7:44Suddenly, a damp T-shirt fires from the hologram and hovers. Remember this shirt, Franz? Yeah, I sent it to Lange. It didn't quite make it. The T-shirt flies violently into Franz's face with a loud thwap, and he writhes in disgust. Oh, the smell! The townspeople wince. Helmut continues eating. Suddenly, ten sweat socks shoot out from the hologram and hover. Recognize these socks, Hans? I'm not sure. Small wonder they've been sitting at the bottom of your laundry basket for months. The socks fire at Hans, covering him. One flies into his mouth. Many of the villagers are now wearing gas masks. Suddenly, a large jockstrap fires out of the hologram and hovers.

8:35Arnold. No, no, not my jockstrap. Please, anything but my... The jockstrap shoots out and wraps around Arnold's face. Craziest thing ever written. The crowd screams in horror. This was your idea. Was it? The crowd screams in horror, a helmet still watching impassively as jostled by a shocked villager. His candy apple is stuck to a curtain. As he pulls the apple, the curtain is open, revealing a man operating levers. Hans and Franz notice. Franz, look over there. The hologram effects slow down. Pay no attention to the man behind the counter. I don't believe it. Hans Franz and Arnold start moving toward the booth.

9:15The man frantically works the controls. I said pay no attention. The man turns weakly toward them. He is Jack LaLanne. God rest his soul. May he rest in peace. Jack LaLanne is a 1950s reference. may Jack LaLanne's children also rest in peace. Oh my God. We pinned the whole thing on Jack LaLanne. Even in 91, this was a huge stretch. It was a bit of a stretch, yes. And teenagers will be reading it. They'll say, God bless Hans in front. Yeah, exactly. God rest their soul. All right, so the man turns weekly toward the men. I'll just explain to anyone listening, Jack LaLanne was the original fitness workout guy from the 1940s, 50s.

10:0340s, 50s, 60s. Yeah I'm gonna substitute Regis for him Yeah The man turns weakly toward them He is Jack LaLane LaLane There you go That's right It's me You worthless Hateful piece of scum How could you? Well I'm on I can't do Regis though Pick a secret word If I don't take a bug you Okay I'm an old man I don't have a lot going on What about your infomercials? I knocked those off in an hour I should have known you're the lowest form of life on the planet. Don't move a step closer Schwarzenegger. Now, after this, we'll discuss our pitch to Jack LaLanne. Yeah, exactly. And the line, you're the lowest form of life on the planet.

10:49Would have then been an 85-year-old exercise guru. I think he would have been the first one to say yes. You're not going to like this, Jack. You're not going to like this. Jack would have done it. LaLanne reaches and grabs Grandmama Schwarzenegger from the crowd. He holds his gun to her head. Well, the old gal gets it. Grandma! Grandma, you vile little rodent. I swear to God, at this point, Robert, you and I are just having fun. Have to say the shit. What can we say to Jack O 'Lane? Who's a revered, lovely man. Wait, tell the next line. Look at this. Maybe so, but this rodent bites. So, Lil 'Ain is accepting he's a vile little rodent.

11:30He takes the criticism and he puts it right back at you. Grandmama expertly elbows Lelaine in the gut, then grabs him by his head and flips him over her. He lands on the ground with a huge thud, but Lelaine gets up, diving headfirst into Grandmama's gut. Arnold moves in to help. Stay back, he's mine! That's Grandmama says that. I'm just distinguishing her. Yeah, first Arnold. Arnold reluctantly backs off as Grandmama and Lelaine viciously go at it, kicking, biting, and pulling hip. It's an ugly standoff until Lelaine suddenly grabs Grandmama's glasses and crushes them. With grandmama disoriented Lelaine kicks her in the groin Sending her to the floor Writhing Arnold solemnly walks over to his Humvee Lifts a side fender And pulls out a giant Pump action shotgun That's no way to treat a lady He points the shotgun at Lelaine And fires Lelaine is hit in the head Producing a giant hole That quickly closes up Via morph effect As in Terminator 2 Lelaine is made of liquid metal Now he says yes to the project Nice try, Swartzy Now bow at my feet, gentlemen Come on, everybody bow Lelaine raises his arms triumphantly And steps aboard his Jack Lelaine stepper exercise machine As the others slowly bow at his feet He steps proudly on the machine I am the first, I am forever Hans and Franz kneeling suddenly notice a speed control knob At the foot of the stepper Franz quickly turns it to its top speed Lelaine begins to step out of control.

12:58I am.

13:03The stepper propels Lelaine, sending him flying into the hologram with a loud zap. Lelaine evaporates into nothing. He's gone. You've killed him. Hail to Hans and Franz. Lelaine is dead. Everyone cheers. Arnold, look, the converted muscle man. Using the morph effect, Bono, Simon, Redenbacher, Gertzetta happily returned to their original bodies. They are turning back into gray men. As it should be. And look, everyone. The sun comes out. Birds chirp. A rainbow starts to form. The environment. It's better. It's still deteriorating, but, you know, at an acceptable rate. Yeah. Everyone cheers. Suddenly near the horizon, a large mouth forms out of the ground.

13:49It is the Earth speaking. Now, who's going to ask the Earth to do this? You have saved me so that generations to come may also enjoy my bounty. I thank you all, and I know that they would thank you too. You're very welcome, Earth. I got you this. A bottle of wine with a ribbon on it shoots out of the Earth's mouth and lands in Arnold's hand. Thank you. Aren't you going to open it? Well, sure. Okay. The man at the store said it was your favorite. No, no, it's great wine. Thank you, thank you. My pleasure. Well, I should be going. Thanks again. See you later. Yeah, see you. Thanks, Earth. Thank you.

14:31All the best. The best planet I ever hear. The mouth dissolves back into the Earth. I'm sorry. One of my favorite kinds of humor, this feels very Robert to me, is the dryness of the Earth opens up and thanks Arnold for saving the environment. Has an awkward conversation. And then there has to be an awkward, flat conversation of, I got you this. Oh, it's nice. Well, the guy at the store said, it's your favorite. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, this is a gift from the earth to a human. And it's a bottle of wine that Arnold's like, okay with. Like, just put that aside. I love that Arnold is such a superstar that he has sort of higher status than the earth.

15:17Yes, he does. It's like the earth is trying to. But also, what the earth, what is the earth? If the earth is a player in this, what the fuck has it been doing this whole movie? I know. Now he shows up and gives some wine. I like the conversation he has with the wine guy in the wine store. How does the earth go in there? Yeah, the earth has to go. Yeah, this was before Amazon. This was before Amazon. Before Amazon, the earth has to go. The earth had to go. Excuse me. Yeah, I'm looking for something like in a red, I think. How much do you want to spend? Hundreds too much. But I'd go above 50. I'd just have that flag for...

15:55What do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger would like? The Earth asking. The Earth is a reasonable budget.

16:04That was insane. I love that it's Jack LaLanne. I'm just thinking of all the studio notes we would have had. They would have said, the Mr. X reveal cannot be Jack LaLanne. You've got to come up with someone. You can't get the Earth. It's doing another movie now. The earth is insulted. It's a big Ebert fan. Tired of making fun of himself. Wow. That was a great... Actually flossing themselves with flat. I kind of understand why it didn't get made. I don't know. I see now. It was all about Arnold. If Arnold had really believed in it and wanted it. But there would have been a lot of changes. Yeah, probably.

16:41I don't think this would have... I think that we would have made many concessions. But, you know, also it starts off so surreal and crazy. And then you wouldn't think it could get anything crazier. but then all of a sudden the earth is talking. No, no, no. It definitely follows a familiar pattern, which is it starts pretty insane and then that is the low point of insanity. And then it tops it. We mentioned earlier, this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie, Strays. Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Sona, you and Blay went to an early screening and you told me you really liked it.

17:18I loved it. And I actually am really glad they're sponsoring because I don't have to lie and say I like that. I actually really, really liked it a lot. It made me laugh. Yes. Blade, what did you think? I loved it. It's about Reggie, a naive and eternally optimistic dog who's trying to find his way back home when he meets Bug, a street smart stray that teaches Reggie how fucking great life can be when you're off the leash. It was fantastic. It's like a classic raunchy comedy. And what are some of the jokes that you liked in it? Well, there's one where they go to like a carnival and then the fireworks go off and they think they're at war.

17:50And then there's just like a really funny take on it. One is like also they want to be friends with each other. So they just all pee on each other. Yeah. If you pee on something, you own it. And my favorite part was they do shrooms at one point. It gets like really trippy. It was super, super funny. It's really funny. I mean, we're not doing it justice. It's definitely if you just want to laugh in a movie, it's awesome. Well, it's not a kid's movie. We want to point out it's rated R. Definitely. All right. So there's no confusion there. Don't pack up all the kids and bring them. Yeah. But I have heard this is quite a funny movie.

18:18It is from the humans who brought you Cocaine Bear and 21 Jump Street. Yes. It's important to remember. Yeah, it's great. These people know what they're doing. And it stars Will Ferrell, Jamie Foxx, Isla Fisher, and Randall Park. The best. It's a very good cast. So check out Strays. Only in theaters August 18th. You gotta go to the theater. It's time to go back, people. These dogs don't give a sit. See what I did there?

18:44let's see if the earth is the mic drop or do we go sentimental i don't even remember this is just like a closing song i think like one of this is now all about the message of learning to live yes well everything has to have a song in it yeah uh that's true there's a lot of many songs but this one yes this was sort of an obligatory kind of closing lesson yeah okay here we go okay

19:11Exterior, Little Austria This town's been through a lot these past few days As Arnold speaks, all the principals and townspeople gather behind him But we've all learned something very important Yeah, we learned that galley men and muscle men can live side by side Oh no! Wait, wait, we talked about this, remember? Oh yeah, yeah, okay Music kicks in. Everyone holds hands. First, Hans and Franz's literal guardian angel sings. This is the guardian angel singing. What was the guardian angel? Was that earlier in the movie? That is from earlier in the movie. Can you tell us what was the context? Did he have an accent?

19:55It was during when they were eating the litters of the Hollywood sign at a low point. The guardian angel came to help. And was he just like a Clarence kind of figure? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what I thought. And they disregard his advice. It's a life. Yes, right. It's a wonderful life. I can eat all I want. I can eat all I want. And you'll understand. I can sit on my ass and we can live hand in hand. Then Paul Simon. I can get weak and fat and enjoy a Kit Kat. Then everyone together. Because it's a brotherhood of man and girly man. Gavin McLeod sings. I can eat mint Milano's from Pepperidge Farm.

20:34Then Sonny Bono. I can let my ass sag and be free of harm. I will think before I pummel. Every loser has his place. Roger Ebert. I can go to the movies and stuff my face. Then Orville Redenbacher. I can let myself go to hell while I work out all day. That's a grand amount. But I work out all day. Then Arnold sings. Dubbed with James Ingram's voice. We can all embody pompitude in our own peculiar way. Guardian Angel sings. I cannot have a neck and still have a ball. And the earth sings. And if nobody litters, I'm fine with it all. Hans and Franz. It's not pretty to look at, but we must understand.

21:27Everybody. That it's a motherhood of man and girly man. So Hans, what do we do now? I wish I knew. Amy steps in behind them. Oh, we'll think of something. Amy! The three of them hug. Arnold approaches. Well, fellas, I'm on my way. Please stay, Arnold. Please don't go. My place is on the coast. You guys want a ride? Hans and Franz both put their arms around Amy. Everything we want is right here What? Who's Amy again? It's like an orphan from earlier on So it's not a romantic interest Oh I said it sexually Oh it was It was a romantic interest The joke was that they're so close That they just have one girlfriend Oh I forgot that It was written in a very innocent way Out of context it looks incredibly creepy Yeah it looks incredibly creepy It looks very strange Let's explain this is just sweet No one's having sex here Yeah yeah Okay Hans and Franz both put their arms around Amy and say everything we want is right here.

22:29Hans and Franz cheerfully hug Arnold. Arnold approaches Grandmama and hugs her. You know, we didn't really get to talk or even stand next to each other. But still, it meant a lot to me. Yeah. Take care, Liebschen. So we're now getting mad about the fact that they're both played by the same person. God. It's been 30 some odd years. Arnold tears up and sadly walks away. He waves goodbye one more time, then transforms into a plane and flies away. Yes, it's a brotherhood of man and girly man.

23:13Ariel shot of the townspeople singing from Arnold's perspective. The Arnold plane, wearing sunglasses, flies across the screen and waves to camera. The end. Over the credits, we play a clip of Arnold in the Pride of the Yankees remake, in which he hits a homer and rounds the bases, making an Arnold quip to his opponent at each base. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. The movie that never got made.

23:39Wow. That was something. Do it again? I can't. Yeah. Now we have the bonus material. At the time, I remember even as we were doing this thinking, how would they technically pull this off? But now I think about all the movies, Lego movie and how far CGI has come. You've worked on movies like with Adam Sandler, like Don't Mess With the Zohan, where I know the script had things like, you know, John Turturro tunneling through the earth. And then you see it and it's hilarious and it works. But if you looked at it in 1991, you might wonder how you'd do that. I guess we thought all of these things were physically doable with some kind of technology at the door that was available.

24:20We thought Arnold could really do them all. We were so impressed with him. We just thought he could do all this stuff. He told us. He told us he could do it. Fellas. That's what really happened. He told us, yeah, yeah, I'll convert into a plane, whatever you want. And then it's, Arnold, here's the script. I'm the last action hero bomb. I can't do it. Let me ask you a question. Did any official person read the script? Oh, the Paramount people read it, I think. What was our feedback? I think it was dead on arrival because of Arnold, but I think they hated it. I mean, I feel like Barry, like one of the executives was like, this is ridiculous.

24:58I think. Really? You think it's ridiculous? I'll ask him because I know him to this day. You do? Yeah. He's not going to remember. No one remembers. This is 30 years ago. Who remembers? That's all he remembers. How shitty he was. I know we wrote it. We wrote it in 1991. Is that right? Yeah. but didn't we it re-referenced Wayne's World in it so I'm confused well the sketch was cooking I don't know if the movie was out till 92 early we might have added that later we must have yeah yeah to try and get Lauren excited but I wrote a western with Bob Odenkirk called Tucson yes and it made the people mad that read it they're just angry oh really yeah it was as as out there as this for sure oh I I didn't have the same experience with Bob I think the worst thing that can happen is just for people to read it and be bored.

25:46Yeah. I think the greatest triumph is to have a studio read it, read your script and really love it. I think the second greatest triumph is for them to read it and really hate it. Yeah. Because that means you've done something. It was, it was hysterical. I mean, Lovitz was the sheriff and I was the guy from Ireland who had only read about the West and was super excited. I come to the town and Lovitz is up there pleading for his life when he ran for, for mayor or whatever. And there's big signs next to himself. if if i don't clean up the town you can hang me and so he's on the noose and you know then i come to the rescue so it was you know in lincoln and was on a train with a high-pitched boy it was really funny super funny i'm sure and they hated it which studio one guy i don't know probably columbia everything went there those days i wrote with odenkirk too i wrote a da bears movie yeah bears and it was uh similarly ridiculous it ended with like you know the bears entering the indianapolis 500 with a bus and ditka driving it and all this idiocy yeah and like they were so supportive it was through lauren and paramount and this executive was like oh i want to read it please let me read it and bob and i it was like 160 pages let us cut it down we haven't i can't wait i just have to read it and we're like fine and we gave her the script and we never spoke she never spoke to us again.