Three Days From Retirement

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hey, Hey, hey, knock it off. Hey, damn it. Meet Conan and Sona. She hit me just before you came up. It's not fair. I saw it. Well, I saw it. Hello there, Bill. How are you? I'm great. Bill, I'm Conan. This is Sona. That's, it's David, right? David, yeah. David's also, I think you're coming from Illinois, aren't you? I am. Okay. Which part of Illinois are you from? Wither Parva, which is the northeast corner of the state. We border Wisconsin and Lake Michigan. Okay, because David, I think you're from the very, very farthest part south.

0:48I'm from Carlinville, closer to Springfield. Yeah. Oh, I know where that's at. Yeah, yeah, no one really goes there. Oh, come on. Well, no, they really, it's fair. That's true, right? It's fair, yeah. I wasn't putting you down. Yeah, no you weren't. Yeah, it's the only Dairy Queen franchise that's failed in the United States. No, it's still open, it's still going. But no one goes. Every now and then an ear of corn rolls in I think it's a customer. Oh, come on. Anyway, Bill, back to you. You're the focus here, not my assistant. Apparently. Who comes from a cornfield. Bill, tell us a little bit about yourself.

1:19What do you do for a living? I'm a police officer. Oh, wow. You're a police officer. Very, very good. And what unit are you in? What, tell us a little bit about your job as a police officer. Well, the town that I live in is the town that I work for. It's a small town. So it's like four square miles. We got about 6 ,000 people. So small town. I grew up here. So I was assigned as a canine officer for a number of years. Oh, a canine officer. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Whenever, I always love seeing a working dog, and I love seeing police dogs. I just love the idea that, because I think, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think dogs know when they're working.

2:04They know that they have a job to do. Matter of fact, I was just talking to one of the guys about it. I had to stop wearing my uniform home because he would see me leaving in my uniform and just try to bust out the door with me. I'm like, you know, so I, I just decided to start changing at work. So your dog retired. He is retired. What's he doing now? Is he like building model ships? Has he tried golf? He's watching a lot of the History Channel, I believe. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, just do me a favor, check the liquor when you come home. Because it's when they start day drinking that you got to worry.

2:41Well, what kind of dog is your dog that just retired? What's his name and what kind of dog is he? His name is Hondo. He's a purebred German Shepherd. Oh, cool. They're supposed to be very smart dogs. He's pretty smart. No, I said very smart and you said pretty smart. He's pretty smart. Okay, yeah. He's hearing all this right now and getting depressed. Yeah, can we see him? Can he come up and - Yeah. I want to see his face. I love to see it. I love dogs. Don't you want to see this guy? Yeah. Hondo! Hondo! Hondo! He can't hear us, because he's just - Hondo, help, help! I'm being robbed! Hondo, I'm gonna try and create a crime so that - But what is he gonna do through the - Oh, there he is!

3:24Hondo! Hondo! Oh, what a gorgeous guy. Hi, Hondo. Yeah. You've earned your retirement. He did, he has earned it definitely. That's so funny. I wonder if Honda went through some of the same tropes that people go through in movies like, well, I'm three days from retirement. Oh no, that squirrel has a gun. Oh no. Blam, blam. I'm glad he's okay. I'm glad he, most in movies, whenever a policeman says, well, three days from retirement, you know that's when the shit hits the fan. That's exactly, yeah. That was in, what was that, Robert Duvall movie, yeah. It's in every movie. It's in every police movie ever made.

3:59Um, so, uh, let me ask you a question if I can, Bill, how do you, do you get to pick any dog or do they try to pair you with the right dog? I'm curious how it works. Yeah, so your first day of class, they've already got the dogs set, and there's usually four or five officers in the class, right? The kennel, the people that own the kennel have already done all the research on you. They've done your background. They've talked to your police chief, your friends, your neighbors, your family, all without your knowledge. Oh. And they find out what kind of person you are, and that's how they pair up the dogs with you.

4:37Oh, that's interesting. And then sometimes, sometimes it'll even change, you know, midday or mid the first week, they might see something that, oh, this dog's not working with Bill, so we'll put him with Conan, and Conan's dog's going to go, you know, Sona and blah, blah, blah, blah. This makes me, I'm very curious about this. So how did they match Hondo with you? What qualities did they see in you that they saw in Hondo? Well, fortunately, this is my third dog, and I got him later in my career. So I was at this point on a nice, even keel and I had matured. And so I got the mature dog. I got the dog that was strong, but confident and calm.

5:16Yes. Oh, I see. So that earlier in your career, you might have had a dog that was maybe a little bit more of a hot shot, a hothead. I did. I had the Top Gun dog. Yeah, he was crazy. I love him to death. I think if I was a canine officer, they'd pair me with a dog with very low testosterone. and that was prone to depression. A chihuahua. You'd be the first chihuahua. Yeah, you'd be a very depressed chihuahua. Isn't that what Irish sitters are? Yeah.

5:49I think that's very cool. So Hondo now is probably struggling a little bit with being retired. He is. Like I said, the first, this happened on Memorial Day this year And so the first couple of weeks was pretty tough. I was wearing my uniform home and, you know, in the morning I'd change and I'd go out to work and he would just try to bust out the door here with me. And I'd be like, no, no, you got to stay in the house. And I stopped wearing my uniform home and that helped out tremendously because he knew when it was time to go to work, I threw my uniform on. Hey, why did Hondo have to retire? I mean, what are the signs that it's time for your dog to retire?

6:29So early on in his career, he got hit by a car for an accident that we had, and he broke his hip. And he recovered fully from it, but the arthritis is starting to kick in now. I see. So he's getting a little, yeah. He doesn't like to get up on stuff as much as he used to. I get it, I get it. My dad is 94 and I hit him with a car about a week ago. Oh. First time I missed him, but then I swung around and I got him a second time. Oh, fuck. Throw it in reverse? Yeah, I got him. Anyway, they say he's gonna mend up real good. So you're saying that's the same thing? Kind of. Okay. I think so. Yeah. So, well, that sounds like you got your hands full with that.

7:07That's your full-time job is being a police officer in the canine unit. Well, no more in the canine unit. No, I'm just, I run the training division and scheduling, and I still go on patrol and answer calls every now and then. Do you ever see dogs that are just hanging out, and they look like they're up to no good, and you go over and talk to them and say, you know, you could make something of your life. Is that something that would work? The dog's like smoking weed and stuff in the corner. Yeah, this dog is smoking weed. Oddly enough, I don't know why dispatch does this, but every time we have a dog calling a loose dog or a dog that just bit somebody, they send me.

7:43I'm like, I don't know. You're the dog guy. I handled a dog that was trained to do ungodly things, and I don't deal with dogs that don't listen. Yeah, but I mean, the thing is, you can't give up on a dog. Any dog can become a police dog. Don't you believe that? I do believe that. I mean, I've seen everything from Chihuahuas, Pitbulls, Rottweilers, German Shepherds, everything. Even a poodle, you know, do some sort of police work. Yeah. You know, whether it be finding drugs or finding electronics, you know, stuff like that. I think poodles mostly work in the lab. They're like, they're looking in a microscope.

8:21I have a poodle. I think she'd be a good police dog. I know you're a poodle. No, your dog would not. Her dog wears a Slash hat, the same hat that Slash wears. She thinks that's funny. It's cute. No, your dog cannot be a police dog. She's a little scared of flies, but I think she can really do something. Oh, sure. Yeah, scared of a fly and then tackle a robber? I don't think so.

8:50You have another job, do you not, sir? I do. I do. It is not a late night talk show host. I do work for a funeral home. Oh. Well, there's probably some similarities. Cause trust me, both involve trying to work with stiffs. You try talking to some of these kids that had a show on the WB, it doesn't go anywhere. Sorry, that's a little, I have a little post traumatic stress syndrome from the mid nineties. Yeah, you know, hey, so tell me about Dawson's Creek. It's not easy sledding. I'm not mentioning specific names, but anyway. So you do body retrieval? Yeah, so, well, removal. So, you know, when somebody dies in the hospital or dies at home, it's not always at, you know, lunchtime.

9:41Sometimes it's midnight, two o 'clock in the morning, three o 'clock in the morning, and I'm one of the people that they call to facilitate that removal. Wow, now I imagine if it's at the hospital, it's a lot easier because you can just wheel them out, right? Yeah, I mean, the beds move up and down. Unless they died in like the hospital cafeteria, but that would be really rare, I would think. That would be a rare one, yeah. Unless the food in the cafeteria is really that bad. Listen, I should just let this whole line of questioning go. What I want to know is, you must see some pretty crazy things, like someone died and they were on one of those mechanical Bucking Broncos or something, and you have to try and figure out a way to get them off.

10:19Do you ever see something like that? Is the bucking bronco still going? Yeah, it's still going, but it's going very slowly. Oh, okay. It slowed down? Yeah. Okay. I think I would, at that point, just let them go until the ride's over. You know what? That's a humane way to look at it. Any strange situations? Have you learned anything? What's the etiquette of retrieving a body, removing a body? So etiquette is delicate. And like I said, I work in the same area that I'm a police officer in and grew up. And so everybody, not everybody, but a lot of people know me. And so I walk into somebody's house at midnight and their grandma passed and they see me and they go, hey, it's Bill.

10:57So everything's usually quiet and very calming, hugs and, you know. Yeah, that's nice. Stuff like that. That's nice that they know you. That's nice that, and also you seem like a sensitive person. You're not going to go in there and go, you know, man, they let themselves go. You know what I mean? or anything like that. Yeah. I'm shocked that sweater didn't kill her years ago. Oh, God. She wore that? You know, that kind of thing. It seems like there would be a lot of opportunity for some of that to have jokes, but yeah. You just kind of, you know, tilt your hat down and go in there and just be peaceful.

11:31That's very nice of you. Bill, better you than I, because I think I'd probably end up saying stuff, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, I can see that. Well, you know, I think I'm a sensitive person, but occasionally it would slip out. Like, man, you know, be nice if this guy dieted before he, you know what I mean? You would have to drink wine before you pick up everybody because you're the nicest person after you have wine. That's true, I am very nice. I'm super sweet. I'd come in all sloshed. I'm so sad. Oh, what a wonderful home. They look so peaceful. Listen, it's a very serious thing that you do. I mean, I'm thinking about you right now, Bill, because I'm talking to you.

12:14That's one of the reasons I'm thinking about you. But second, I'm thinking about you because I'm thinking about your service. You've worked all these years helping your community as in this canine unit. And then you're doing this job that probably not a lot of people want to do and you're doing it with a lot of respect. My hat's off to you. Well, thank you, sir. I appreciate that. Well, thank you for calling me, sir. You're the first person to do that in a while. I don't get a lot of respect around here, Bill. No idea why. He shouldn't. No, he shouldn't. He's good. Hey, is it too late? I have a golden retriever named Loki and he's six years old and I think he's ADD.

12:51I think he's ADD. He's pretty crazy. And I mean - Loki is insane. He's insane. And he howls like a coyote for no reason. Like I'll just come in in the morning and he goes, Arr-roo! And he has ADD, follows me all over the house. He's constantly getting into trouble. Is there any chance that he could become a police dog at six? You know, I don't know if he could become a police dog, but he could become a well-trained dog and six is not a problem. Really? You think you could make a real dog out of Loki? No. Oh. You've met Loki. I've met Loki. Loki, I think he might be untrainable. Something's off with Loki and we've tried.

13:36He's very smart, but he just doesn't, I don't know. He's, I think if you took an MRI of his head, there'd be two walnuts in there, some chewing gum and a butterfly floating around. I think he's got a screw loose, he's nuts. No dog is beyond repair. and they can all get some help. But the thing is, it's got to be consistent. I mean, you can't, like, I'll see civilians take their dogs to the kennel where we trained at, and they think everything's great. They get their dog from their two-week puppy class, and they come home, and they don't train their dog at all. And then the dog falls off. That's the problem, is we got Loki some training early on.

14:22I do think Loki has issues, like real brain. I think he's crazy. No, I mean, I love him, but he's quite an unusual dog, very strange. But yeah, I don't think there's a lot of consistency. You know, we say things like, no, no, you have to sit while we're eating dinner. But then sometimes we sit him up at the table with us and we let him carve the turkey and it's just a mess. And I think he, so he doesn't understand, you know? And then we get mad the next time we come in and he's carving a turkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, you're reinforcing that behavior. That's on you. Yeah, that's probably on me.

14:58Yeah, exercise and training. Is that for me or for the dog? Oh, for both, yeah. Bill, I very much would love for you to turn my dog into a police dog at six, a six-year-old insane golden retriever with ADD. It's probably not going to happen, but I still think there's time for him. I'd love to see him become a police dog. I really would because do they get paid? They don't get paid. Oh, forget that. But they do get their food paid for it. Okay. Oh, they get their food. Okay, well, that's something. I was going to try and skim some of his salary. Oh, you're just going to exploit Loki? I would love to embezzle from my dog.

15:36I think that's such a funny crime. If my dog was a police dog and he got a paycheck and I embezzled from it, people would hate me. Yeah. That's the lowest of the low. Well, and then he goes to buy a house and then he doesn't have any money. And he's like, And the judge is like, I can't understand you. Case dismissed. And I'm like, yeah, judge, I don't know what his problem is. Well, back to my seven homes. Real low key. Yeah. Yeah, you're just using him. I am using him. Well, Bill, you seem like a very cool guy. And I do, all joking aside, your community is lucky to have you. You're doing good work and you seem like a really nice person.

16:22And I know if I was in trouble, wouldn't you feel good if you were in some bad situation and then Bill showed up at your door? Yeah. And he had, you know, Hondo with him. I just feel like, oh, this is, it's all gonna be okay. Or if you die and you need your body to be removed. Yes. Yeah, I would want Bill to do that too. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm gonna have Bill take care of you when your time comes. Oh, okay, you too. And I hope it's embarrassing when you die. Like, I hope you're on the toilet.

16:50Hey, what if I'm on the toilet in a Halloween costume? And Bill, it's not Halloween. Would you spread the word or would you keep it under your hat? I have the utmost respect for you, Conan. I would take it to my grave. Good, okay, because when my time comes, you're gonna, they're gonna, Sona's gonna be in charge. She's gonna send for you. Yeah. And I'm gonna be on the toilet wearing a very strange costume. And you're gonna have to take care of it and I don't want it getting out, okay? You got it. Okay. Well, I'm gonna tell everybody. Yeah, I was gonna say, we're gonna spread the word. And it's not gonna be one costume.

17:23It's gonna be like, I'm part Ghostbuster, but also part werewolf. But it's not Halloween. But it's not Halloween. Okay, all right. Yeah, it's like late February. Hey, Bill, it was very cool talking to you. Very cool talking to you. Yeah, be safe, take care, and take good care of Hondo. I will. All right, bye, Hondo. Say bye, buddy. He's just laying there staring at us. You know what? That's the appropriate response, Ando. Ando just retired from the force. He's like, I don't need this shit right now. All right, take care, Bill. Bye-bye. Thanks, Bill. See you guys. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend.

18:07With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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19:17Thank you.