Tiffany Haddish Returns

22:34And my mom's like, what you crying about? And I'm like, Amber was kissing this boy and she gonna die. She was like, she is not gonna die. See, her parents knew she was gonna be a hoe. So they got the shot for her early. She got the shot early. She got vaccinated early because they knew she was gonna be a hoe. So for years. Are you a hoe? if so we have a medication for you so for years i was under the impression that all these like i would see these girls kissing boys at school and stuff and i'm like she a hoe she a hoe that's how they are like you know they're not 21 yet they're not vaccinated or she probably got the shot early her parents knew she's gonna be a hoe and i used to say little stuff like that like your family knew you was a hoe like you know just say little stuff like that and when we got in health class got a health class and they're talking about all the different stds you can get and then i'm like excuse me, excuse me, what about the enzymes in the mouth, the baby carriage?

23:29Yeah. And, uh, and then, you know, the teacher tells me to explain this and I explained it and everybody in the class busted up laughing. And he's like, Tiffany, I think you need to talk to your mom again. I think you need to talk to, you know, you need to have a conversation. Cause this is not, you know, cause I was like, what about the sperm disease? What about that? What about the sperm disease? And it was, you know, and he didn't like tell me I was wrong, but he said, you should talk to your parents right so um i couldn't really talk to my mom at that point because she done had the accident and all this stuff done happen so you know i mentioned it to my social worker the social worker's like well i don't know if that's correct but i like the way she's i it's interesting okay she kind of appreciated where it's coming from right coming from a place of caution yeah a place of caution but once i found out like that's not a thing then i was like okay And then I was trying to kiss the boys and trying to, you know, get in there.

24:21Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Get it in. Yeah, because I didn't want to die of no meningitis. No man in my vagina. I want to have an experience before I die of no meningitis. I didn't realize that was a fatal disease. No meningitis? Yeah, because there was people at school getting meningitis. That's for, like, making out with people or whatever, you know? And I was like, well, I don't want to die of no meningitis.

24:50that was something i made up in i don't know if i put that part in the book i don't think i did because i thought it was too silly but it's going in now you know you had some people tell you early on when you were doing stand-up maybe not so much sex talk yeah and then you got some good advice yes from bob saget bob saget yes who told me that was like the first white man probably one of the few white men that was like be who you are be yourself don't listen to everybody if you feel comfortable doing it do that fuck them do what feels right for you yeah and that was like that was a huge uh like that was like my big brother i love him very much you know it's like a big brother to me and you know the fact that um he told me to be myself like so used to people trying to tell me to be different be something else like and for him to say like now this is full house dad like he's telling me be who you are fuck them talk about what you want to talk about and do you.

25:43It'll pay off in the long run. There were so many people who thought when you blew up that, oh, you just showed up and it happened. And they didn't realize that it was a long road. Since the 1900s, y 'all. 1996, 97. I was always so confused trying to figure out how do I be me? Like also figuring out who am I? And why don't I get the notoriety I should get? And why am I not getting the opportunities? And why do all these guys like get all this stuff? And I talked about that in the book where I put that prosthetic penis in my panties. And when you're on when you're on stage. Yeah. When I walked up to the club and just like walking around with a like a limp dick in my drawers.

26:30Because I felt like, you know, these guys respect guys. They don't really respect women. And it's like it's really like hard to get on as a woman. And and I don't know. I don't know if I walk different, if my energy was different. But then they started like respecting me and started like talking to me and giving me hugs and saying, hey, why don't you do this? Can you book my show? Can you do this show over here with me? I'm booking this show. You want to get on? You want to do this? And I was like, oh, man, having a dick in my drawers really is like making a difference. Like this is maybe this is a boys club.

26:56And then I like stop wearing the penis, but kept that same kind of energy. Like that's unbelievable. It's believable. If you want to when you give me your number, I can text you a picture of it. I'm writing it down right now. Of the penis. It's much like your color. I wouldn't think that would be a popular color for a prosthetic penis. A freckled. Speckled. Speckled. It's a world penis.

27:28Well, I may already have one. We'll talk about that later. But that's unbelievable to me that because I because I know there was a period of time where you're you're in the background of television shows. Yeah. You're a background background extra. Uh huh. What kind of shows are we talking about? We're talking about like Hannah Montana. I did background work on That's So Raven before I was casting on That's So Raven. One Tree Hill. What else did I do background work on? A bunch of stuff. Do you ever look at those shows and you can like look for yourself? Yeah, I could see myself in it. I wanted to do a show about that.

28:01Like who's in the background or whatever. Like before they were celebrities, where were they? What were they doing? Like, I feel like I've met so many celebrities that have done little things like that. Like just to get familiar with the set. Like it was really important to me to do extra work just to like understand how everything worked. I even did like I worked in the sound department for a little bit, you know, just to learn how like because my goal is to one day maybe own a studio, maybe like, you know, be in charge of the whole production. And I need to know like what everybody's job is so that I'm not expecting too much from like I need to know.

28:32And like if they're not doing their job, then I know like you're not on your shit. And it's clear. This is why. Because I did it. I did that job. Yeah, I did that job. I know what you're supposed to do. First of all, you are going to do that. Anything you say you're going to do, I'm down with it. I just think that's going to happen. Yeah, it'll happen. You've made so many things happen just through incredibly hard work. Yeah. And talent. Yeah. Not quitting. I don't quit. I'm not a quitter. Especially if it's a vision that I can see in my mind's eye. I'm like, it's going to happen. When? I don't know.

29:00But I'm going to make it happen. That's important too. When? I don't know. Because I think a lot of people get impatient. Think, I'm going to make this happen. It's going to happen. No, no, no. You got to give up to a greater power, whatever that means to you, that I'm not in charge of when it happens, but it's going to happen. Yeah, I'm going to help facilitate it. So I do something every day towards it. Something in that realm. Like when I worked at the youth center and I was in charge of activities, I'm like, I'm going to get them to do all the things that I always wanted to do. and what's in the entertainment room.

29:26So we would like sit in the audience at TV shows and I would be learning how the cameras work, learning how this works, see how they tape and film sitcoms. And I would take them snowboarding and surfing and riding horses and all the things like, these are the kind of movies I want to make. I want to snowboard in a movie. I want to surf in a movie. I'm the Black Gidget, you know? I'm riding horses. That's the title right there. I'm going to ride horses. When I first met you, I yelled, Black Gidget! I remember that. And I got in trouble, remember? You said one of your favorite movies or a movie that influenced you a lot was Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

30:03Yes. Why? Well, because, first of all, that was my first time ever seeing people in cartoons together in one thing. And it was, I think, a great story. Also, it gave me great ideas. When a detective says to the rabbit, why are all these people doing these nice things for you? He said, because I make them laugh, Eddie. If you make people laugh, they'll do anything for you. And at that point in time in my life, I barely could read. I was having a hard time in school. I'm having a hard time functioning just in general. I'm like taking care of my sisters and brothers. I'm stressed out to the max. And I'm like, that's the ticket.

30:37That's what I'll do. That's how I'll make friends. That's how I'll get people to help me. I'll make them laugh and they'll do anything for me. And that is the way that I was able to make it through junior high and high school and elementary. All that was like, I'm going to make friends by making them laugh. not to take it down, but people do need to know what you went through. Your dad walks out at, how old are you when he was? Three. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. And you later reestablished a relationship with him for a time. Yeah. And then he passed. Yeah. And then your mom had this accident. How old were you when she had the accident?

31:10I was like eight, about to be nine. And it was a bad car accident. Really bad. And it changed her personality. Changed who she was. I I like lost the love of my life. But she was there. Her body was there, but she wasn't there. It's like, I don't know if a demon got in here. I don't know what got inside of her, but it wasn't my mom anymore. And she became violent and like verbally abusive. And it was like, I just want my mommy back, you know? And, but I loved her so much. Like this is the first person I ever loved in my whole life. Like this is the first person I ever loved. So I'm going to do whatever I can to try to help her, try to heal her, whatever.

31:45she was so mean to me and I wanted to like fight her all the time sometimes I wish she would have died but I didn't really want her to die like it's fucking hard because who is this lady in my mama body because it ain't my mama it's very I can't think of anything more confusing to a kid than my mom's still here but she's she is not my mom the way I knew her yeah and because of this injury that's not who she is anymore right and I didn't understand that the injury I didn't understand Like, there's a lot of things. I was young. Right. And I'm just I'm just like, take your medicine. Like, get better.

32:22Why don't you why don't you let me enough to take care of yourself? Like, fix yourself. Get fixed. Like, give me my mommy back. Yeah. Yeah. But it don't work like that. No. But I'm glad that I've been able to do all the things that I'm able to do and made enough money to get her the best help, the best doctors, the best nutrition, the best of the best. Does she understand the scale of your success? I don't think. I know she knows I'm successful. I don't think she realizes that I'm an international sensation. Well, you are. And that people care about me. They do. And I didn't realize people cared about me the way they do until I got arrested for DUI.

33:03And it was on CNN and PBS and Korean news. I mean, there's no excuse now for studios to say, she's not international. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, yes, I am international. They're talking about me in Korea and in Africa and China. They're talking about me on the BBC. They're talking about me all over the world. They're talking about my ass in Iceland, baby. I am international. There are three people in the Antarctic right now. It's like, did you see what happened to Tiffany and Beverly Hills? Like, I am important. Like, I have to find the positive in everything. Like, that's like you just had a gusher of positivity right there.

33:43That was fantastic. I mean, if you Google right now, Google right now, famous black women arrested for DUI. When I first Googled it, it was just me and Josephine Baker. Now Glorilla trying to come up on me.

33:58And I'm going to tell you, I know for a fact there are a lot of famous women that have been arrested for DUIs, but nobody is talking about it because don't nobody care about them. People care about me. OK, they care. They care if I take a nap in Beverly Hills. Eduardo just checked it out. I verified it. First thing that comes in, Anthony Haddish. Yeah, and it's just me for like two pages, right? And then there's Glorilla. And then Glorilla is like, you keep scrolling down. Yeah, yeah. Must be killing her, right? And back in January when I Googled it, it was me and just Josephine Baker. I said, damn it, I'm a legend.

34:34That's good company to be in. Yeah. Yeah, I got to start my rainbow tribe.

34:43Take my ass to France. Parlez-vous français. Parlez-vous. Faites jacques, faites jacques. You talk about you did therapy but found that you were just trying material out on the therapist. I love that part because I completely understand. It's like, what do you talk about? Like, I don't know, the community that I grew up in, you don't talk about your problems. You don't put that, you don't like air your family business. So I'm sitting here with this therapist and I'm just like, well, let me run these jokes. Let me run this. Like, let me run that. Like now I'm realizing I'm paying money to make this half a laugh.

35:19This is not cool. This is not going to work for me. But, you know, that that therapist ended up suggesting that I do comedy as a hobby because I had stopped because I needed to make a living. And twenty five dollars a show is not making a living. And then I started like doing comedy as a hobby and immediate, you know Vargas Mason? I know the name. Yeah. Yeah. Vargas, Vargas has been doing comedy forever. And he saw me performing on this open mic where I was just, you know, trying it out. But just like my first time, like getting back, like, OK, I'm gonna start this hobby. And he's like, you're funny.

35:50You should do this show with me. We're doing this show. It's like a women's conference and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, yes, 15 minutes. You get$50. I was like, I'm there, bro. I am so there. and I get there and I'm doing my thing and I am bombing. I am bombing hard because I'm doing like all boyfriend jokes and stuff and some dick jokes and turns out that that whole room was lesbians. And they are heckling me and they're like, I got a dick bigger than your boyfriend. I'll take you somewhere. I'll show you. And I was like, no, I like his. It has a heartbeat.

36:28No one told you who's the audience? They did not tell me. And that's when I learned you got to know who your audience is. Yes, you do. You got to know your audience. And I bombed. I bombed bad. But I stayed up there the whole 15 minutes because I wanted my$50. But I wasn't sure if he was going to give it to me because I bombed so bad. It was so bad. It was bad, bad. Like, I felt like a piece of meat up there. Just like, oh, this is horrible. And I go backstage and I'm trying not to cry. And he's like, whoa, rough room, right? It gives me my$50. And I was like, oh, you paying me anyways? Oh, I'm doing this for the rest of my life.

37:01I just got to figure out how to get better and better and better. And that's what I've been doing ever since, getting better and better every chance I get. And I do make mistakes and I do bomb from time to time. But that comes, that's the nature of the beast. And every fail is a lesson to be successful. And don't say that shit again. Try something else. Yeah. Yeah. Also, there are times where you try something, it doesn't work. And I don't know if you've had this, but it just you try something, it doesn't work. But it sounds so corny, but like opens a door to something else that might work. It do you know what I mean?

37:35It's not just, oh, that didn't work. I won't say that again. But sometimes it leads to something else. It does. And I'll look, I'll run a joke like six times, six different shows. If it doesn't work the six times, then I know, OK, this is probably not the right route to go. This is not the correct wording. The idea to me is funny, but this is not this is not what's this. Don't hit. Don't don't do this one no more. But maybe the premise is good. So try it a different way and rewrite it this way. Have you noticed that if you work too hard on something, it's not coming. It means it's not there. Right.

38:06Like sometimes the best things just come so easily. And I cannot tell you how long. It took me a long time to learn this, but I got a work ethic and I would work and work and work on something. And it's just not there. And then I realized if you're working that hard on it, it's not there. You got to just walk away. You got to let it go. Got to let it go. And when in doubt, throw it out. Yes. When in doubt, throw it out. If you're doubting it and like it's not getting it, let it go. I've been practicing that a lot lately with relationships and all kind of stuff. And I've been throwing stuff away.

38:38But I am still a hoarder of clothes because I think I could fit in this again. I know I didn't wear it. I haven't worn it since 99. But I will get that small again. I might be 70 years old, but I will wear that crop top one more time. Do you relate, Sona? Oh, my God, yes. It's so sad. The clothes that I have in my closet that I just won't throw away. I don't want to give in to the fact that I'm a large now and I used to be a medium. I can't do it. Oh, my goodness. Some of my stuff I've given to my sister. This is my issue. Like, I need to, if I give away clothes and when I do, and I usually do about two, three times a year, I, like, have to give it away to charity.

39:15Because when I give it to, like, my sisters and I see them wearing it, I want to rip that shit off their back. Give me that back. I'm like, hey, that's mine. Hey, why it look better on you than it does on me? I'm like, did you take that out of my closet? They're like, you gave it to me. I'm like, oh, yeah, I did give it to you. But inside, I'm like, I should take that shit back.

39:45Okay, so you've had this crazy success. You haven't changed. You say in the book, you talk about Groupon. You're still using your Groupon. Still use my Groupon. Okay. Yeah, I just bought some weights on it just recently. Oh, yeah? Yes, some kettlebells. Oh, kettlebell. Okay. Do you ever walk around with those weight vests? You know, some people do that. I just bought a weighted vest. I was walking with my wife the other day, and then at one point it's getting hot, so she takes off her sweatshirt or whatever, and I see that she's wearing this, looks like a bulletproof vest, and I said, what the fuck is that?

40:18And she was like, oh, it adds like 20 pounds to my walk so that I'll work harder. I didn't know. I thought, I mean, she didn't tell me, first of all. But again, we haven't touched each other in years. That's the first line of defense against you. Yeah, she said this protects me. The chastity vest. This protects me. He won't touch these tits. His scaly hands aren't getting me. But you got one of those. Yeah, I just ordered one on Groupon. Yeah, it was like 50 bucks. And it's a 20-pound weighted vest. I just ordered it and the kettlebells. Yeah. Because I want to like walk with that stuff. That's so funny.

40:55Me and your wife should be friends. Let's do it. She would love it. Let's go on a weighted walk. She would do it. She's cool. What's that? Okay, take it easy. She's cool. She's really cool. Yeah, I married well. I did the right thing. Good. In your book, you talk about you found this thing called a rage room. I don't know what a rage room is. What's a rage room? Oh, my gosh. A rage room. So it is a room where you can go and you can break stuff. I feel like it's perfect for white men. All the movies I've seen where y 'all just tear up rooms. And I'm like, who's going to clean that up? But you go to this place.

41:29I go to this place called the L.A. Break Room in Van Nuys. And they have like crates full of cups and bowls and plates. And you can just throw them against the wall and break them. You can like they have old appliances in there, ovens, microwaves, refrigerators, stove, chairs. Oh, there's one chair. I fucked that chair up. Everything I had was like, it's better than sex. It's such a great release. and I just tore that shit up, demolished it, and nobody is mad at me. Nobody's mad. I've never heard of, I mean, I want to do this. I do, I've heard about them and they're awesome. I've never been, but.

42:06It's great for a date night too so they can see how angry you can be. You know, how destructive you can be. But I'm not destructive like that, but oh man, it feels so good. Oh, I could break some stuff. One time I went, they had all Ronald Reagan library cups, mugs. Whoa. I was like, I hate to do this to you, Reagan, but you did bring drugs into our community.

42:32And I demolished them. Your war on drugs was garbage. You mentioned your community. You, you know, I love is you live in South Central and you keep doubling down and buying homes in South Central, right? Yeah. That's fantastic. I mean, what now, how many, I mean, I don't want to get too specific, but you've bought a lot of properties. Yeah, I only own one. Okay. Okay. But the foundation, the LLCs, the trust funds, they own many. And every time I do a movie or a TV show, I buy a piece of land. I always tell them, like, make sure I get paid enough where I can buy, like, an apartment building, where I can buy something that can make a difference.

43:14You know, when I was little, I used to think I was going to be the queen of South Central Los Angeles. I want to be the queen of the hood. And now, like, on my street, I own. Well, the trust owns many, many homes. That's fantastic. And then apartment buildings and duplexes that I own, I house foster youth in it. I rent them out to organizations that help foster youth get housing and life skills and all that. And they house a bunch of them. But they don't know that I own it. But I do come by and mentor and talk to the kids. And yeah, and really, I'm just checking to make sure they didn't tear my shit up.

43:51It's a rage room. I'm like, why is it footprints on the ceiling? I'm here to mentor you and also check up on stuff. Give you good life advice, but check. And you know what's so cool is there are these big after parties after events, like whether it's the Emmys or the Golden Globes or the Oscars. But after one, you just went back to the neighborhood. Yeah, I went right home, right to South Central LA. Yeah. Yeah. So you skipped the fancy party. I went, oh no, so okay, so. I went to the fancy party, took a picture, and then left. You talking about when I went over to my homegirl house over in Compton?

44:29Yeah. Yeah. So she was having a car party. And then the police came. And I took pictures with the police. My face was beat for the guys. But, yeah, I went to the event. And I took some pictures at the little after party. Left from there. And, like, changed my clothes. But I didn't wash my face. And I went over there. It's like, bitch, you're all cute, looking all good. I'm like, yeah, but let's let me whoop that ass in spades. We playing spades. We're here for the spades. And then I guess I don't know. Some people took pictures and posted and then the police found out I was in the community and they came over and like we're here to protect you.

45:05Make sure there's nothing happen to you. But I'm like, I come over here all the time. Don't let me happen to me. Like I'm queen of the hood. You are not the queen of the hood. In my mind. Well, you keep buying these properties. You are. well hey landlord yeah lord of the land also you and i have something in common we both have a wax uh figure of ourselves oh yeah you got a madame tussaud's wax figure yes i have one i don't know it's in hollywood somewhere it uh and every now and then someone will be visiting and they'll take a picture and for some reason it's me they did it when i was behind a desk and i'm pointing I don't know why like Conan's big thing is he points but people send me these random photos of them posing with this uh how do you feel about it it's weird it's really weird because what people I don't know if they realize this you know they take exact measurements yes for they take easily a thousand measurements yes of every inch of your body of every inch of your body and And they're like measuring the distance from so that it's a perfect replica of you.

46:16And then they like match your hair and they match. And so I look at it sometimes and I think that's just weird that that's it's somewhere in Hollywood. God knows. There it is. Oh, my God. Oh, that was skinny. Oh, boy. Yeah. It kind of reminds me of that member that McDonald's character. Ronald McDonald. No, not McDonald. Mac Tonight. Mac Tonight, the talk show guy. Oh, right. Yeah. Maybe that's why everybody loved your talk show so much. You were Mac McKnight. I was Mac McKnight. You know what? I got to say, it doesn't, it looks, it doesn't, now it doesn't look like me. No, it doesn't. The nose is me and everything, but.

46:53It doesn't really look like you at all. Yeah. No, it looks like you're sick. You're better looking. You're way better looking. I was very sick at the time. I do remember that. They got the dead eyes right. Yeah, they got the dead eyes. They got the dead eyes. You know what? It looks like they took someone's hand that was holding a gun and just took the gun out. And God knows. This guy, bang, bang. So you went through that experience. Yes. Did you like it when you saw yourself or did you? I did. I thought she was so beautiful. I'm like, wow, this is like so beautiful. But I didn't like it's no like in looking those eyes and it's like dead eyes.

47:27It's like no hurt ever been experienced. No, this is not a real human. But if I could make a clone of myself, boy, she would be cute. do you know they cloning dogs now? I did know that. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like, if they can clone dogs, then they could clone me probably. Do you want to be cloned? I mean, they would, it would have to grow up like a baby and everything. Like, right? Yeah. No, they're not going to, you're not going to show up as you are now. No. But you're, but you're, are you okay with raising? Myself? Yourself. I would raise myself so good. Yes, you would. And then I don't need no man, like no child support, no, no, no man.

48:04Like, but then I would have to find him a dad. because that was the problem. I think I needed a dad all the time. So I would get all my gay homeboys to be dad. And then just, you know, yeah. That's such a weird idea. That you clone yourself as a baby Tiffany. And I see me. And then you raise you and you give yourself everything that you didn't have. Not everything. I just give me what I needed. Okay. Not all the stuff that I didn't have. Just what I needed. more hugs, more kisses, more words of like, you're doing a good job, I'm proud of you, you can do anything don't quit, man, I will put her out the house so she can learn struggle at like 12, 13?

48:49no, at 18, she gonna have to learn how to survive, I will make her camp in the woods at like 13 give her supplies and leave her in the woods for three days no one does that, would you tell her about the enzymes and sperm disease? yes, I'm gonna tell her about the enzymes and sperm disease. I'm like, don't believe what you read on TikTok. It's all lies. Matter of fact, I don't even think I'm going to teach her how to read so she don't get her heart broken. Wait. You know what I'm saying? Okay, you're going to give her what she needs, but she can't read. Yeah, she can't read. I don't think I'm going to let her learn how to read because there's so many teenagers right now, like the suicide epidemic is crazy amongst teenagers because they're reading all the stuff that people are saying on social media and they're attacking them and they don't know how to handle it because they took bullying out of school, right?

49:31So now you don't know how to handle just the bullying of words and you take that personal, kids. Teenagers, like that's what I'm... Just don't let her have a phone. She can read. Yeah, no phone. Yeah, she gonna get a pager. Yeah. Yeah, I'm bringing pagers back. Yeah. I'm gonna put a tracking device on her. Like, time to come in the house. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. I gotta go inside. Like...

49:54I don't know. But I feel bad for kids today because it is really hard. And I appreciated all my bullies. Like I've sent them little thank you notes. Like, thank you for making me so strong, especially to my mom. That was my biggest bully. And I really appreciate all the stuff that she said and did, even though it was mean and nasty and hurt my feelings, prepared me for the horrible social media world that we have today. It doesn't really bother me. But do you read stuff about yourself? Hell yeah, I read stuff about myself. Hello? You gonna sit here and tell me you don't read about you? I don't, actually.

50:25You don't? You'll back me up on this. He actually doesn't. I mean, when people send him articles and he just won't read them. Because you can't read, huh? I knew it. Damn it. I'm above that. I might get my feelings hurt. Can you read, Conan? I can't read. Got that earwig in. They tell him everything to say. No. I try. I mean, I do sometimes, but I try not to. Because I just think like it can't. I think if it can help me, but if it's just some random person saying they don't like what I'm doing. I don't know what the point is of me knowing that because I'm not going to change at this point. No, I'm not going to change either, but it is kind of interc...

51:07Okay. In my mind, I think they're saying all this stuff. These people, especially if it's a long paragraph or if they make like a whole YouTube video about how much they can't stand me in my, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking they love me. This person cares about me so much. They took a lot of energy and a lot of time to say anything about me. And like, when people are like, we should cancel her. She should be canceled. Isn't she canceled? Like I think to myself, dang, you took time out of your day to comment on me, which means I shouldn't be canceled. You actually care. You care about, I'm doing my job as an entertainer and I'm making you feel something.

51:41So I am successful in the long run. I beat you. I win. But still I have endometriosis. So on my cycle, I do become evil and I do take it back to the 1900s and I do go on there and talk shit about them real bad real bad and I have to pray on that like please forgive me lord for what I'm about to do but I have to destroy this fat bitch right now that's one of my favorite prayers

52:14I'm about to hurt your child's feelings I apologize but I'm gonna hurt your child My bad. But I gotta attack her soul. I'm sorry, Lord. Please forgive me. You shouldn't have gave me endometriosis. I wouldn't even have time. While I'm sitting here in pain and bleeding, clots and clots of blood. I wouldn't be thinking about committing murder on this woman's spirit.

52:44Endometriosis. Oh, man. Yeah. Some people try to say I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I have endometriosis, okay? And it causes me to behave in certain ways because I'm in pain. And it's a hormonal imbalance, apparently. That's what somebody just told me. It's your hormones. They're imbalanced. Okay, well, what's the fucking... Balancer of the hormones. Give me that shit. Is there a leveler to level out of your fucking hormones that keep me from bleeding clots of fucking blood? How am I not dead? How am I still living? I'm amazing. That's why I'm a fucking superhero. All women are superheroes. We all are fucking amazing creatures.

53:22We bleed for days and days and days and don't die. Let a man bleed for two days. He's dead. He's dead. Especially if it's at the tip of his penis. He's going to kill himself. He's like, it's broken forever. I'm done. I can't do this. Let a blood clot come out of dick. It's a rap. No, don't let a blood clot. It's a rap. Don't let a blood clot come out of dick. Dear baby Jesus. Don't let a blood clot come out of my dick. I told a dude that I have endometriosis, so I can only deal with certain size penises. I can't be dealing with no bigot. I got endometriosis. He's like, what is that? Is that a new STD?

54:03What is that? And I was like, I wish it was an STD. I wish I could give you endometriosis. How you out here with endometriosis? I wish I could give you inflammation of the nuts where all your wrinkles come out your balls. come out the tip of your dick. He's like, that sounds so painful. Why would you wish that for somebody? This is what you're talking about before you have sex? Let's have a little pillow talk. I hope your balls shrivel up and climb up your asshole. This is my way of letting him know if he got a big old dick, I'm not doing this with you. We could just be friends. I need that smeedy.

54:42I don't need you tearing my stuff up. I don't want to be bleak. Okay, no big dicks out there. We're getting the word out. Run me to smediums with good credit and an EIN number. I'm looking for good credit and EIN numbers. Hello. Oh, my God. And smediums. Define medium. I'm just going to write this down. Smediums. Smediums. Mediums. Okay. My G-spot is three inches in. Bring your Asians, your Indians, your whatever. Smediums.

55:15Okay. I talk about that in a book too. Yeah, I know you do. Right here, medium. That's in the If You Want to Get With Me chapter. I'm going to give you a manual on that. Good Lord. Oh, you can read. No, I can't. No, I do little pictures. Yeah, I see. Yeah, have Maddie bring it in. Yes. Oh, we got some little surprise for me here, apparently. and it's also not just for me but for you too. Maddie, thank you very much. Yes, thank you. Lotion. Here we go. Yes. Oh, thank you. Oh, my skin is like, what is this? Now rub it in. Just rub it on both sides. We're putting a little lotion in. Massage it in there.

55:59Make a wish when you're doing it. Oh, that's me. I wish I was a medium. Medium for me is aspirational.

56:11You want to be a medium? I like medium, small to medium. Oh, oh. But you have a wife, so I'm sure she's happy with what you're working with. Well, I'm a good earner.

56:28She's crying and then she goes, she's like, oh, you know, actually, there's a lot of money coming in. Good earner. It's worth it. She says that as we're doing it. All of his years. Good earner, good earner. Then there's just flaky skin flying It looks like it's snowing on us If she's saying good earner, good earner She's manifesting that That's what you're supposed to do during sex You're supposed to make wishes As soon as you had an orgasm That's when it's going to come in Because all your chakras are open And that's when God shows up That's when you're supposed to make a wish Here's my question for the room All the wasted wishes Here's my question for the room Who's funnier than Tiffany?

57:11Seriously. There's a lot of people. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You are a beautiful person. Thank you. You are a good Lord. You are a tornado of funny. You are so funny and it comes from such a real place. Thank you. And you're beautiful and God. I just, when you show up, I don't have to do anything. I know. I don't do anything. I just say, I just, every now and then a little poke, is there more and there's so much more. Yeah, I'm like a sis.

57:41There's levels to it. There's levels to it. Everyone go out. Do yourself a favor. Go out and get I Curse You With Joy. It's Tiffany Haddish. Can you say Tiffany Haddish, I Curse You With Joy? Yeah. Tiffany Haddish, I Curse You With Joy. Thank you. I appreciate that. I curse you with joy, Tiffany Haddish. Thank you. And I curse everyone that reads that book with joy. And please spread the word that - You are moisturized. I'm moisturized. I'm a medium. Yay! Thank you. I represent every color on earth. Yes. And God bless you, seriously. You make me, I mean, you talk about how you, in your life, you try to do positive things and you do so many positive things.

58:24And then you come into this room and we talk to everybody and I'm just dying. You just make me so happy. Thank you. Thank you so much. Can I have your phone number now? Yes, you can. Okay, awesome. Yeah, you can, all right. Wife doesn't have to know. Oh, she gonna know because I'm gonna get her number too. I'm gonna invite you to game night. I'll be having this game night on one of my properties. It's a good time. Okay. Have you ever been to South Central LA? Sure. Okay. We gonna see. I've got... It's in Catalina, right?

58:57It's a gated estate in Catalina. It's not gated at all. Oh, I'm sorry. Am I thinking of the right South Central? South Central Catalina, right? wear your weighted vest it'll be a good time that is me thank you you send me a text thank you Conan I am gonna send you a text it's been a long time since I got a phone number on a piece of paper I was gonna say I love this that's how I do it I'm not passionate you're from the 1900s baby oh but you know what I was on a plane once across the aisle is Warren Beatty the greatest womanizer of the 20th century yes and we chat briefly and we have a nice chat and he goes well here here's how you can reach me and he writes his phone number on an American Airlines napkin and hands it to me.

59:37And I was thinking when he did it, how many numbers has he written on an airline napkin since 1960? And then I can't find it because I would frame it. I would frame it if I could find it. You probably blew your nose in it. Probably. I fucked up. But anyway, Warren, my apologies. He's been waiting by the phone for 20 years. Why won't he call? I love him. Tiffany, God bless. Thank you so much for being here and Congrats on your book. Thank you. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

1:00:21Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

1:00:28Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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