Weekend at Conan's

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Michael J. Welcome to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Fan. Hey, Michael J. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing terrific. Where are you in the world right now, Michael J? I am in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Ah, famous spot where the Wright brothers first plane took flight, right, Kitty Hawk? Well, you know, I hate to start our interview off with a correction, Conan, but the history books tell us that the Wright brothers flew in Kitty Hawk. They actually flew in Kill Devil Hills, which is just south of Kitty Hawk.

0:45And the reason that Kitty Hawk gets the notoriety is that there's no telegraph office in Kill Devil Hills. So when, after they flew, they had to go up to Kitty Hawk, send the telegram. And then I think it's a PR thing because Kitty Hawk sounds much more aeronautical than Kill Devil Hills. Okay. Let me tell you something, Michael J. You are dead to me now. oh you know i like this guy you corrected me on uh you corrected me on american history i'm humiliated um look and if i have to flame out that way it's i'm okay with it no that's that that's a uh i that's fair you seem to really know your stuff and now i know something and you're right no i do know that the captions of the plane of the photograph of the plane flying say kill devil hill so uh yes you are correct you just you just upped me on that i didn't know that That's fantastic.

1:33Well, I panicked and I just tried to make, I don't think I've ever seen a photo that said that. He made it up. I made it up. You know what? I think after you said it, it's written in and it's now, I mean, that's gospel. You know what? Michael J., you went in 30 seconds from being dead to me to being my best friend ever. Right. Because you paid me that compliment of saying that anything I say is gospel. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Michael J. I like you. You've got great energy. I'm clicking with you right away. What do you do? What's your profession? Well, I'm a retired clown, circus clown.

2:06Me too. No wonder. Although I'm having trouble retiring. But no, I very much, I'm with you, man. I feel the same. I feel your pain. So you've been a circus clown for how long? For 20 years now. So started in 2004. Yeah. That's amazing. And were you trained? Did you go to clown college? college? What was your background? How did you get into clowning? I didn't. And I'm going to correct you again, Conan. There's no such thing as clown college, like a sort of academic institution. Clown college that most people know of is really the Ringling Brothers training camp. Wasn't it called... Now I'm going to correct you.

2:51No, you're correct. It's called the clown college. Yeah. Wait a minute. I'm totally fine with him correcting you. Michael J., That's fine to correct me, but it turns out I was, you just said I was correct. I was dating a girl once in another lifetime, long time ago. This is weeks ago. No, I'm kidding. Many, many years ago, I was dating this woman. And after we dated, she was working at the time in a sports bar and she was waiting tables. And we dated a little bit in Chicago. Then afterwards, she said, I'm off. And I said, where are you going? and she said, I'm off to clown college. And she had never mentioned anything about that.

3:34And then I told some of the other writers at SNL and they started making lots of jokes about, you know, before you went to bed with her, would you take off your really long shoes? Did she sometimes have to sweep up the spotlight around the apartment? So it was a mistake to mention that to a bunch of SNL writers. Anyway. Well, the best thing to imagine the noises that might come out of a room are the... Oh, highly erotic. Guess what? You just aroused me. I'm going to say, hey, come on. Come on. Yeah. I'm sorry. The idea of a clown doing it and making that noise, I think, is one of my kinks. I want to tell you something, Michael J.

4:19You seem like you have a great sense of humor. You'd be good at clowning. What kind of clown were you? What was your persona? So I like to practice something I call benevolent clowning. So a lot of clowns are kind of like real mischievous and like are going to, you know, like stick it to you. Pennywise. Pennywise is going to stick it to you. Pennywise, not a nice clown. Malicious clown. Yeah. And so I tend to be sort of a, you know, a clown sort of from the heart. um i like to find the idiocy the the you know the idiocy in a moment and uh and sort of live in that um uh we sit in the muck is a thing the clowns say a lot so i i i i ascribe to that philosophy which is yeah there are i mean there are different comedic schools um some comedians like to i'm the teller of truth i'm above you telling you about the world um i like to be in the mud or the muck as you guys call it um i like mostly the joke to be on me but uh but also um sometimes i like it to be about matt gorley and son of a session i like to i feel like i'm pulling them down into the mud with me and rubbing muck all over them that's my philosophy i think it might have been buster Keaton who said the audience loves a slow thinker.

5:42And so I like to be a slow thinker that has just a big heart, you know, because, because I look like, and for, you know, people listening, they won't be able to see me, but I look like if a panda bear and a human being merged into one and like we got in a fly teleportation pod accident, like I'm like a panda. So that's, that's sort of the clowning that I sort of, I lead with that. That's, uh, it's, I like your philosophy. I think it's very sweet. And so you've been a clown for a long time and, um, and it sounds like you've been successful entertaining people. Is that pretty much the plan going forward or is there something else you're working on?

6:25You know, that's interesting. I, my, a lot of beautiful boxes have been checked in my life and And I feel very extraordinarily lucky to have led the path that I have. And so I'm not sure. I'm really on the lookout for something, whatever is next. And so recently I became a certified death doula. Whoa. A death doula? Yeah. Are you familiar with that? Well, I'm conjuring what I think it might be, and I may have been around it. These are people that when someone's passing, when there is a death doula there for the person who's dying or for the people who are grieving? Both. Both. The easiest way to describe it is where's a birth doula.

7:05So like midwives and birth doulas. Where's a birth doula helps in the labor of birth. A death doula helps in the labor of death because there is a sequence of events that happens that, you know, for a person who's in the process of death and dying. And it's, you know, it's something where you can help them in their journey. You can help the families in their journey. You know, you're there to help educate. You're there to help. I have no idea how somebody prepares for that or how you can learn about that. I was around someone, and it's not a tragic story, it was someone who was very, very old who was passing on.

7:41And I mean, I think close to 100, if not 100. And they were passing on. It was the first time I had been around a death doula. And I was really impressed with the explanations they were giving about what's happening. And that this is a very natural process. Obviously, sometimes it's not a natural, someone's, you know, a bank safe falls on them. That's not a natural process. But it's funny. Yeah, it's funny when it happens. The safe is made of natural materials. Exactly, yeah. But in this scenario, I don't know, it blew my mind that this person was so helpful and just understood that this is what's happening.

8:21And as you know, we have a culture that isolates us from death. We scrub it clean. we don't people used to when someone people used to die all the time and they would have the person in the casket in the house for three days you know before they buried them you were present now it's all been taken care of and and sanitized you're correct again going in right on the spot because it's uh it's something that we've gotten as a society we've been very separated from funeral rites we don't we don't prepare the body anymore we don't you know put them in a casket We're not close to them. Basically, once our loved one dies, they get handed off and then they come back to us either in an urn or in a casket and then we put them in the ground.

9:09It's something, I think one of the biggest jobs of a death doula is just to get death back in the conversation. I think as a society, we tend to keep it at arm's length. We don't even want to say the word death. In fact, that's a debate among death doulas is should we be called death doulas or end of life doulas? And I think that's exactly the point is that we need to take the power away from where the stigma attached to the word death. Right. It's like they're contorting the words to say, I'm a life not anymore doula. Wait, you're what? I'm a good times life over now counselor. yeah which is just so like the indie guy like not that's too harsh okay that's i like it you're hired i've got some bad news yeah oh no um uh wow i'm running out he's running out person so yes yeah um heart ending i very much am concerned i want to i want to do whatever's best for the people around me when my time comes and i think that what about when the time before your time comes no fuck that screw all of you what i want michael jay is i want uh i want some sort of in a weekend at bernie's kind of way i want my body to be around for a couple of weeks um and i want to be brought to parties and stuff so that people really get the idea that like he's gone and it eases the transition for everyone else and i get to party i get to party oh you're dead well still i get to like you know yeah put the sunglasses on what is it i have to take you to bars around larchmont i forget what weekend at bernie's was his glasses on kind of sideways yeah yeah and then the thing about that and i know that we were talking about a very serious topic michael j but i've taken us to weekend at bernie's yes and you're a death expert and i think i want to get your opinion the mistake they made in that movie is that when people die they don't become floppy dummies and this guy's dead for days and he's just this floppy dummy so that the comedy works when in reality they should do a remake of weekend at bernie's where the body decomposes in the natural way but they try the same gag rigor mortis and everything yes right right right when does it get stinky uh well let's not get into that oh okay i mean i don't want to depress Michael J.

11:31My body will become very odorous very quickly. I plan to die eating a massive amount of onions and chili.

11:50Now I'm thinking about after you die, how I would want you to just still be here so we could still get paid for doing this podcast. Well, that's the weekend at Bernie's plot, which is, and then you keep doing a Conan voice and jostling me. Well, no, I'll take all the past footage and just start playing it. Hey, Conan, how was your weekend? Oh, gosh. Nevertheless, I'm Conan O 'Brien. Nevertheless, I'm Conan O 'Brien. That's part of the comedy is it can't be perfect. Well, bingo. Nevertheless. See, there's another one. Bingo, I'm Conan O 'Brien. Hello, I'm Conan O 'Brien. I keep giving and everyone's taking.

12:30I'm doing all the work around. Here's my chill chums. I'm the Pharaoh and you guys, you know, work. I'm the son. I lost it. Look, he's dead. He is dead. What happened to him? There we go. This is embarrassing, but my headset cord got tangled around my chair with little wheels. and as I was talking to you it was pulling my headset off and I was getting pulled lower and lower and I didn't know it was wrong and I was a near death experience how about a near death doula someone who can talk with you the stages of near death because I think I almost bought it right there Michael J well it could be someone who comes and like scares you almost to death and gives you different scenarios where you could almost die I think that's a Michael J, do you ever find, and maybe you haven't done it for that long, and I know this is a very serious topic, but will you ever use your clowning skills as a death doula?

13:32Would they ever come out? Where maybe people are really sad and you're like, oh, come on, everybody, don't be too sad.

13:41Well,

13:46maybe if it's a family of clowns. Yeah. That's right. 75 of them step out of one hearse i mean look that that that's that's going to be you know when that happens i'll have won you know if i i'm a big believer that worlds collide humor we need humor uh constantly and um and that's my reaction to death a lot is just go with jokes right away to the grieving family members often at the accident scene just to try and um ease the pain okay you're the first responder sometimes even before the ambulance yeah and they'll say this I could easily be saved if you just do some simple CPR. And I'm like, CPR, what's that stand for anyway?

14:26Cookies, pralines, and rutabagas? Is that what it stands for? I mean, what's going on here? Oh, he is. It's weekend at Conan's. He is dead. Are you dead now? I am dead. What happened? I don't know. I don't know what's wrong, Michael J. You've taken us through. To go down the weekend at Conan's street, two things. One is I feel like modern technology has to be able to give us a way to keep the bodies loose for at least a few months after death. And it has to be able to wear a Caribbean shirt. Yeah. Right. And have like a group of Bunraku puppeteers, like three or four come in, like, you know, operate you.

15:03Yeah. Second thing is, my hope is that somehow modern technology and science gives us the ability to do what they did in Weekend at Bernie's 2, which is there was the sort of voodoo. Voodoo, that's right. Do you remember this? Well, I never watched it. The minute I heard there was a weekend at Bernie's 2, I tried to shoot myself. To make part three. Someone wrestled the gun away from me, and I was saved. But no, but you stood in line. You stood in line. You stood in line. You stood in line for a ticket and to see Weekend at Bernie's 2. Did you? Is that true, Michael J? You did. Absolutely. Absolutely.

15:40Did you see Mannequin 2 on the move? No. I did not know there was Mannequin 2. Why are you bringing mannequin into it? It just seems like a similar idea. Sister, sister. Was there a mannequin too? Yeah. Same people in it? I think it's just, no, not the main guy. I think it was just the guy who's the, like, is it? Wow, you're all over this one. Well, I didn't expect to be grilled, Senator. Oh, excuse me. Then why did you introduce mannequin too if you did not have the facts at your fingertips? This committee finds you guilty. I just can't believe the first weekend at Bernie's is still something.

16:12like he had sex with a woman. Wait, the dead guy did? Do you guys remember? No, we can't. Yeah, the mob boss's wife or girlfriend, you remember this, Eduardo, goes upstairs and then they just hear like squealing and they're looking at each other like, is she gonna realize he's dead? He's dead. And she had sex with him. So necrophilia is a plot point. Yes! Can the listeners please tell me if this is true? does a woman have sex with a dead body in weekend at Bernie's which is a comedy consult google I can confirm that it does she does yeah if you were there for number two then that was in one I think that was in one the sex happened in one the sex happened in the first one um I love that we got you off of your noble death doula profession into the muck talk about the muck we are in the swamp of idiocy right now.

17:07All right, Eduardo, what do you got to say? You told me ahead of time. Yeah, there's a sex and nudity parents guide for Weekend at Bernie's because of the sex scene with his corpse. Yes. Wow, so it's necrophilia for her, but not for him. Well, he's dead. I know. It's nothing for him. Well, it's like vitaphilia. It's sex with a live person. Yeah. Right, but he is senseless, insensate. He has moved on. Senator, you're out of order. Okay. I don't know what happened here, but boy, did they used to make, what happened to the good old movies? I know. Back in the 80s, they knew how to make them. Remember the water skis too?

17:45Yeah. And he keeps hitting the buoys on the head river. Yeah. Classic movie. And at no point does his corpse start to swell or burble. At no point are there various emanations. Oh, I think there are. He went water skiing and he got waterlogged. He never swelled. okay i don't understand michael jay i'm sorry michael jay can i just say what have we done i'm not sure if you know how much i love this movie what happens no i think we do i think we do yeah in the second one and we'll get back to how you know we know how you um comfort the dead and dying we'll get back to that we're out of time but we can't at bernie's no no we're making time for this weekend at bernie's 2 does it take place like a day later it's uh i think it happens over the course of about a week right you know so and then and then voodoo allows him the corpse to be reanimated and oh no that happens much later i think it's it's uh i'm not sure what the time frame between weekend of bernie's one and two is but well why did you call in to this show yeah if you don't have right the correct information on weekend at bernie's one versus weekend at bernie's two give us the plot synopsis of bernie's two yeah plot synopsis it's a log plot that's okay Hey, we've got time.

19:02I hope no one's dying in the next room, Michael J. Help me. I'm scared. Shut up. I'm on with Conan. We're talking about Weekend at Bernie's 2. It's a sequel. Please help me. It's a terrible movie. Good movie. I didn't see it. I'll give you the short one. After witnessing the murder of their corrupt boss, Bernie Lomax, Larry Wilson, and Richard Parker are blamed for Bernie's embezzlement and fired. Desperate to find the stolen$2 million and clear their names, the pair learns the fortune was hidden in the Virgin Islands and travels there in pursuit. Meanwhile, Bernie's corpse is partially revived in a voodoo ceremony by gangsters also looking for the money.

19:41Well, it's good we know that. The walk that Bernie does when he's revived is hilarious. I remember that. He sort of comes up and then he kind of just squats and does this like sort of half. it's hard to describe but you just got to watch it and the smirk on his face is still there and he just walks and he's animated so he doesn't have to have operators you know operating in this time like in one yeah yeah um he walks around okay well michael jay um you have completely disqualified yourself uh as i don't know you're hired and uh uh i mean if i'm on my deathbed and michael jay's distracting me with weekend at bernie's 2 that's mission accomplished i think You know, I do think you should talk about this with the next person who's moving on to the next plane.

20:28Maybe this would be a great topic. Or maybe screen it. Screen it for them, one and two. You don't realize this is not a podcast episode. He's on as your death doula right now. Oh, right. Good a time as any is right now. Yeah. All I want is a bottle of good Pinot Noir and a good pizza margarita, which is right down the street. And then I want to watch The Godfather 1 and 2. Then I want to watch Weekend at Bernie's 1 and 2. There it is. Then I want someone to find a cure for whatever I have. but still drink all the wine and eat the pizza. And then we're going to weekend at Bernie's you. Yeah. No, no, I'm cured because of the cure they found.

20:59no, you're dead. You died. You're dead. Yeah. No, never. You can't happen. Never. Too big a star. Too big a star. America, America won't stand for it. They'll revive me using voodoo. Michael J. Yes. Do you have a question for me before I go? Yeah. So, you know, a lot of my professional career has been as a clown. I feel like you are, if not, you know, clown, then certainly clown adjacent. But have you ever for a, you know, you know, feet first all the way in to clowning? And if you have, or if you are interested in doing that, what would your clown name be? And what kind of clown? Are you clown curious?

21:39I am clown curious. Yes. I am not only clown adjacent. I'm clown curious. I've often thought that I am a clown in, in that, that, that is my natural state my favorite audience is kids i love to make kids laugh and to me that's the true test if you're a clown or not is can you make kids laugh um and i i work real i mean if i i had trouble with sona's twins yeah because they are tough kids uh come from a tough broken home they're really they laugh at everything else but anyway all they do is laugh i think i would not overdo it on the makeup. I don't think I need to. I think I'm clownish already.

22:17I think I would slightly exaggerate what I have. And I think I'd be more of like the chaplain Keaton school of clown. I think I would wear, and I think I would do a lot of physical comedy, which at my age is very dangerous and would quickly lead to my death. I think my name would just be Conan because, you know, that's the best, that is my clown name. You think about it. A great clown name. Yeah. I was, I was thinking about this and I was trying to think of something that is, you know, like long and skinny and red. Oh, Jesus. Kind of like you. Oh, okay. And I was thought of Twizzlers. Twizzlers.

22:50Oh, Twizzler. Twizzles. Twizzles. Twizzles is not bad. Twizzles the clown. Or also. Because I feel like Foco would be like, that's a pitch down the middle of the plate, right? Yeah. I mean. It's too much. Everyone is. It's right there on the nose. But Twizzles feels like a good, like. Twizzles is pretty good. I'm also beef jerky. Jerk. Fucking jerk. Yeah, that was good. You're getting closer. Fucking jerk. You're getting closer. You're getting closer. Hey kids, happy birthday. Here's a fucking jerk. Hiya, fire kids. Hey, is that your face or did you get hit in the face? Because it's all fucked up.

23:27Go get your shine box, you mutt. Go get your shine box. Are these the kids? Yeah, no, I'm the clown talking. Oh, you're the clown talking. Oh, you thought the kids were saying, get your shine box? Yeah, no, I'm a mutt prick. That's my, that's me as. Go screw. That's me as the clown. Fuck you, jerk. Hi, hi, kids. What a shitty party. Enjoy the cake. No one lives long. Your parents don't love each other. Can you do anything, clown? Balloon animals? No, screw you. No, not gonna happen. I'm forming a union. I want a union. I'm a shop steward. I'm not leaving until I get$800 in cash Your mother is pretty easy on the eyes Oh no!

24:16Alright, Michael J, I'm a terrible person Conan, your instincts are straight on, man You are correct again Michael J, it was nice talking to you And continue doing your good work Thanks And you too Thanks for having me And I bow to you Hey, take care Take care Conan O 'Brien needs a friend With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.

24:59Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

25:34This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.