Why Is Your Poop a Rainbow?

0:03Conan O 'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, can you hear us, Pam? Hey! Yay! How are you? Great, great. I'm so sorry. Oh, don't be sorry. Let's explain to people listening that we've had some technical difficulties. And can't say, was it our end? Was it your end? We could blame it on me. That's totally fine. I was going to. Yeah, totally. Our equipment's fine. You screwed this up, Pam. but I don't blame you because I'm tech phobic and also it might not even be something you did you might have been have something wrong with you yeah with the technology over there you know I don't know I can't explain it but here I am the important thing is you're here we're all happy where are you calling from where are you in this wonderful world um I'm in Farmington Connecticut where is where is Farmington it's like right in the middle of Connecticut next to Hartford sort of i know i know connecticut well i really like connecticut okay that's a good state um yeah and uh tell us a little bit about yourself what's your what's your jam what do you do um so yeah i've like lived in connecticut my whole life um and i you should get out sometimes you should leave occasionally you know what i mean because you should see you know you should see what a man looks like when he doesn't have a sweater tied around his neck you know because there's a whole thing there's a whole thing that's greenwich connecticut okay there's a lot of living in connecticut i better step back i went too far no no no um i i was gonna say so i work for poison control hello my job and and sometimes like i love i'm fascinated i'm serious i'm not kidding i'm fascinated by poisons you said that like you were turned on or something Well, I'm not going to say I'm not.

2:05How about that? I find I'm very interested in poisons, and this makes me very happy. Pam, tell me about your work with poison control. Do you work on a hotline? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes. So there is a poison control number. It's a national number. Should we give it? 1-800-222-1222. Good. That's so easy. But also that might save a life. You never know. That's cool. So tell us, you're sitting there and you get the call and tell me about these calls. So it really ranges from really anything like from a kid ate Play-Doh to intentional, you know, overdoses where people are trying to harm themselves or, you know, people foraging mushrooms outside and picking the wrong kind and getting sick.

3:05It really ranges. Am I correct that, okay, I'm going to take a couple of things you said. You said if a kid eats Play-Doh, that's not so bad, right? If a kid eats a ton of Play-Doh, that might be an issue. But some Play-Doh, probably not a problem. Correct. So that's like one of our favorite things that we say in toxicology is like, it depends. Just on the weekends. It very much depends on like the size of the person, their past medical history, how much they ate. Like, it depends on like so many things. But you're right. Like, Play-Doh luckily tastes bad enough that like people don't usually go to town on that.

3:46You know what I mean? Why were you asking so much about the Play-Doh? I know. Do you eat Play-Doh? Let's just say there was a period of time in my youth when I was a child. Last week. My brother Neil tended to get most of the food. And sometimes I had to forage in the arts and crafts area of the third grade. And let's just say the teacher was like, where's all this Play-Doh going? and uh your mom at home was like conan why is your poop a rainbow okay

4:25oh pam oh pam oh pam brought it i uh i love how you can see her pause between words thinking thinking, should I, should I, should I? I'm glad you did. You went for it and I'm proud of you. And now my mother knows because she didn't know. So what about, I can't believe people would forage for mushrooms and rely on their own ability to tell which is a healthy one and which is one that will kill you. So you'll have people call up and say, I was in the woods. I needed some mushrooms. I grabbed a bunch that looked okay, but now I think I'm dying. Do you get those? Okay, so yes. Yeah. So I will say the ones that usually make the mistake, it's they're in the hospital at that point.

5:15I see. With like abnormal labs and then come to find out, you know, they had foraged some mushrooms. But then I will occasionally get the caller that's like, I found these mushrooms and, you know, I think they're good to eat. And they're like hoping we can identify, you know, like, can I eat this? And I'm always like, I cannot identify what, you know, with 100 % certainty. So I would say don't eat it. And then we also get little kids that ingest mushrooms as well, which I always think is interesting, you know, because I can't get my kids to eat a mushroom on a good day from the grocery store. Yeah, my kids still won't eat them.

5:58My kids still will not eat a mushroom. Have you tried Play-Doh? Yeah, I make them out of Play-Doh and they gobble them right up. So, okay. That's the trick. So, most of these things, what are the most... I'm saying... Is there, I'm just going to come right to the point because I don't know how else to ask this. Is there a poison that you've come across that's untraceable by a coroner?

6:28Odorless, tasteless. What's the best of the poisons for, well, I'm just going to say for murdering. For murdering. You know. Yeah. I mean, you know, back in the day, arsenic was the thing. Arsenic's good. But now they can tell. Yeah. Now they can. It used to be they couldn't tell, but now they can tell with arsenic. What about ricin? Remember in Breaking Bad? That was their go-to. Ricin, that might be a good one. Digitalis? Oh, so that's interesting. We could test for that as well. You can test for digitalis? You can, yeah. And you would see an elevated potassium level in the blood work, and they'd be like, hmm, a cardiac dysrhythmia and a high potassium.

7:13You were murdered. I don't know. That's why I always go back to just cut the brake lines. Okay. Because if the car goes off a cliff, it's very hard to tell later on, especially if there's a fire, if the brake lines were cut or were they severed in the fire. Should we be taking an Uber home today? No, no, no, no. You should both get in your car, Matt. and you should drop because you're both headed pretty much in the same direction. And you know what? You might be running a little late, so I'd go heavy on the gas. Really gun that thing. You'll be all right. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Yeah. So, okay. So do you get calls from people who've ingested too many gummies or whatever?

7:58They've done too much of a recreational drug and they're freaking out. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. I had that recently where, yeah, this guy called for like his brother and three of his friends and they had taken a whole bunch of edible marijuana the night before and they were still feeling like super, super high. And, you know, it is kind of nice because I can tell them like, you know, just like some things they could do to maybe feel better and maybe save them all a trip to the emergency room, which will save them money and the ER. You know what I mean? Yeah. long run. Also, what they want then is reassurance, I would guess.

8:37I'll tell you a story. I was riding my bicycle not far from my house. I have a mountain bike and I was going to head up this trail and I was headed towards the trail. And this is a bunch of years ago, but there was a like a van parked on the side of the road. And I just as I was driving by, I thought I heard help me. And I was I wasn't sure. So I doubled back and it was two kids that had parked up there. taken a lot of mushrooms to trip out, and they were freaking out. They were having a bad trip, and it wasn't going well, and they were freaked out. And I had my helmet on and my glasses, so I didn't, and they were totally messed up.

9:20So they just thought, oh, this is Joe Blow going by. So I said, first of all, I said, give me your keys, because I was worried they were going to try and drive. So I got their keys and then I just called 911 and just to have someone come by because I didn't know what to do. And the cops came by and the cops said, oh, this happens all the time. Kids come up here all the time to get high, freak out, and we end up coming up here. But I then, they said I could go. And then because my helmet and my glasses had come up by then, And the cops were chatting me up about, oh, hey, Conan. I'm like, oh, hi, guys, whatever.

10:00And then they said I could go. So I left. And they were just going to stay with the kids until they were okay. But then I later found out that they told the kids that I was the one that they flagged down. And the kids... That narked them out. That narked them out, yeah. And the kids were like, we're going to fuck the kids. No, the kids thought they were... Why are you calling the fuzz, man? No, no, they didn't get in trouble. they didn't get in trouble what they did was not illegal I don't think especially here in California you were right to do that to keep them safe but you still narked them out but also I kept the car keys and later I went back and I took the van and I sold it and you cut the brakes and then I cut the brakes and I gave it to Gorley

10:54I got too high once at Disneyland. At Disneyland? Yeah, I thought I was... Was this the time where you thought that the pirates from the Pirates of the Caribbean were going to come out of that fortress and into your boat? I didn't think they were coming out of the fortress. I thought that we were taking a boat into a battle. I have an idea. You're right. That's so much more. I have an idea. I have an idea. Just to test out what it's like to call the poison control. Pam, I'm going to have Sona is calling you right now, and she's going to describe her situation. She's at Disneyland, but she's going to give you all that information.

11:26So you make the call and you pick up Pam, if you would. Ring, ring. Okay. Hi. Hi. I think she would start by saying Poison Control. Yeah. Poison Control. This is Pam. Hi. Let's try it again. And three, two, one. Go, Pam. Poison Control. This is Pam. Can I have your name? I think it's Sona. I think it's Sona. I'm in right now. I'm at Disneyland. I'm on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. I can't be completely sure, but I think I'm going into battle and I'm not prepared for it. Oh, OK. So is there anything that you've eaten or drinking out of the usual? I took I took about 100 milligrams of cannabis edibles.

12:17OK, OK. Yes, that is a lot. Hey, I'm Goofy! How are you? You want a photo? You want a photo with Goofy? Get the fuck away from me, Goofy! And I'm the real Goofy. Can you believe that impression? That's shit. I'm Goofy that's had some larynx cancer. And I had an operation, and I think it's wrong of the other Goofy to make fun of me. We all have doppelgangers around here. Here's a knockoff Mickey. I've also had problems. I smoked for years. I love Minnie Mouse. What you're going to want to do is just not be a ride right now. We're kind of busy over here. Get a snack. I sound like Harry Caray now.

13:00You're probably hungry, right? I'm so hungry. I've already eaten seven personal pet pizzas, and I just feel like I just need to eat more. That's okay. Yeah, you can have a snack. You need to just go somewhere, not a ride, get a snack, drink fluids, and you're going to feel better in a couple of hours. You will. Can I sleep on this park bench?

13:26If Disney will allow it, that's another question. If Disney will allow it, the answer is usually no. Your goofy impression. I'm sorry. What the fuck was that? That was a guy who played goofy successfully for a while and sounded accurate. And then I'm sorry, he had a large nodule in his larynx, which turned out not to be benign. And they removed it. Why is he still working at Disney? He needs to eat! This is what he does! Hey, and you try firing someone from their job because they had cancer surgery. Okay? So no, Disney did the right thing. They said you could still be goofy. None of the Goofies talk in the park.

14:00This one insists on it because he's trying to make a little extra dough so he can help pay off the operation. Hi, I'm Goofy. Don't smoke. Hey kids, don't smoke.

14:17I'm Canadian. I'm from Ottawa. Yeah. Don't smoke. Pam, this got real stupid, real fast. I'm going to say some things. First of all, I love her manner. She was very, you would calm me down. And I think I have a tendency. I'm a compulsive. I either don't eat or I eat. Sona will back me up on this. I eat compulsively. Like I'll shove a whole pizza into my face and I could see myself calling Pam just to say I just ate half of a Harrington's ham and I drank three Guinness and need to be talked down. I wouldn't take a poison, but I would do the Irish thing of stuffing way too much bad stuff into my face.

15:00You're going to call poison control and be like, can I please talk to Pam? Get me Pam or I don't talk to anyone. And if I die, it's your fault. Yeah. Do you have an extension, Pam? Yeah, Pam, how do I make sure I just get you? I do, but they go off of like where your zip code is. So you guys would get the California. They're the worst. But they're all lovely there. Hey, man, nothing I haven't smoked, man. No, I'm telling you, I really think I'm dying. Hey, man, we all move on to the next plane. I don't want to call the California poison control, yeah? That's a pretty good goofy. That's my goofy.

15:39Yeah. Hey, man, shoo. Donald Duck, he's a cool cat. I will say that like we are at Poison Control. Very part of the job is being like level headed. Yeah. You know, despite whatever, because people call in very, very nervous. And so like job number one is to be like. Be calm. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also exude calm because if people are on a serious note, if people are worked up, they're probably processing whatever they ingested more quickly. If people have to be calm and think, you know, And that's why I sincerely think you have a great manner. You have a great personality for this. Like you talked to Sona when, I mean, she was high.

16:24She was at Disney World, Disneyland, and she was being attacked by several goofies, three of them that had had some sort of tracheal surgery. And you handled it like a pro. I thought you did amazingly well thanks thanks how many kids do you have? two how often do you use your poison control expertise with your own kids? twins you have twins? a lot Sona has twins yeah yeah oh you do? I do that's exciting yeah I think I do remember yeah hearing about that how old are your twins? they are going to be eight in August oh my god okay you're further down the road Sona's are only almost three they're going to be three in July yeah Yeah.

17:05Oh, that's a rough age for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I feel it gets better. But there's that age where they just eat anything. They just swallow opposite directions. And yeah. Yeah. So it was it was convenient when they were like three. I kind of knew what to worry about and like what not to. And yeah. And now that my kids are older, they're, you know, in second grade, I tell them because I get school nurse calls to have like dares and kids, you know, know it's their job to be stupid and they just do really dumb stuff and i just tell the kids like don't like they have these really spicy chips that kids eat to like see who could handle the spiciest thing and i'm like don't do it just say no you know yeah but the problem is i'm a full grown full-ass mature adult and i went on hot ones right and i went out of my way to ingest as much poison as I could just because I thought it would be funny.

18:05So I am no more mature than a four-year-old boy. But it was funny. Oh, I got my laughs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it was worth it. It was worth the physical. It was worth it for me, yeah. We enjoyed it. As long as you laughed, I'm happy. Yeah, you're welcome. Yeah, sometimes the trade-off might be worth it. I guess you got to weigh that, but you know. Well, Pam, you are a, and it's so funny, poison control person, but you're a ray of sunshine, which is, you really are. Yeah, it's very nice talking to you. And I am going to request you. Well, I've been a big fan for a long time. I'm going to request you when I call.

18:41You're going to travel to her city to take poison. Here's what I'm going to do. No, I'm going to take the poison accidentally. Okay. Realize, uh-oh, this is a problem. Immediately book a flight to New York. Have a car waiting that will drive me to Southington, Connecticut. And then from there, I will call and I will say, I will only speak to Pam and they'll say she doesn't work Thursdays. And then Pam, I'm coming to your house. All right, so nice talking to you. Yeah, so nice talking to you too. Take care. All right, take care everybody. Bye-bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gorley.

19:25Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick D 'Leal, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode Got a question for Conan?

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