Will Arnett Returns

24:16Hey, you, you got a buckle on your hat? Listen. Let's be real for a second. Let's be real. Enough of the insults. I love you. Nope. Couldn't do it. No, you couldn't do it. Nope. Oh.

24:35I'm half a woman. I knew I could break you. Here's what I did. I'm going to tell you what I said in the green room. I think you're a great guy. I think you're really funny I think you're really talented you've been doing it at a high level for many years and I respect you this ruins everything let's change the topic this guy this guy there's so much to talk about I love seeing you succeed I can't say that about you it kills me I know that Smartless is a phenomenon it just kills me this is the best part and especially I mean again it really rubbers you I root for you, and I root for Sean, and then Bateman.

25:19What is it about Bateman? Oh, come on. Come on. What is it about Bateman? He just gets my goat. He's so pleased with himself, and he doesn't age, and he has such self-control, and he sits there, and he fires off these little ice daggers. Fuck him, right? I mean, come on, right? Am I alone? Does this sound like love? Yeah. I love him. I knew it. I would do him. Hang on, man. What? What? We just thought you, like, loved him. Yeah, we just... Like a friend. Oh, you want to do him. You want to do him? Okay. No, that's cool. That's fine. He'd do it, too. He's interested. I don't know. I can't speak to that.

26:04He says he likes tall and loud. I've seen his sights. What's been going on? What's been going on over here? Can I tell you something about maybe... You want me to read you something else? This is shorter, but this is you centric. Okay. Okay. Okay. Let's hear it. I got you. If it's you got me with you centric. I know. And don't feel the need for it to be short. By the way, I've never, I've never used my notes app so much as in this fucking podcast. You're on that thing all the time. I know. Let's see. So this is, this is, this happened last year. This is a true story. So this has to do with your Christmas party.

26:36Years go by. Jason never gets invited to Conan's Christmas party. Did you guys know about this? I didn't know. And he's, brought it up before, right? Maybe when he came on the show, did he bring it up? I think so. Well, I know you and Sean pretty well. I don't know Jason as well. You don't know as well. But a couple times, it's coincided multiple times with another mutual friend of ours Christmas party. Yeah. And let's be fair, she's a massive star. She's a massive star. Massive star. I mean, she's a couple of clicks above me, and I give that up. She should be. But your party is very well attended.

27:07It's a very ritzy affair. Yeah. A lot of glossy names. Yeah. Yeah. So people often go either to Conan's first and then this person's or vice versa. So people are coming and going from this other person. So a bunch of times I've gone to Conan's and then I've gone over there and baby's like, did you guys just come from Conan's? Like, yeah. He's like, what the fuck? And he's so mad that he hasn't been invited. Makes a big deal about it. And then when I heard that he was mad, I kind of didn't want to invite him to keep it going. Even worse, we did the live Smartless show in Boston. Conan came out.

27:38Jason gave you shit in front of a live audience that you didn't. And you said, In my hometown. In your hometown. And you said, For sure next year. And then the next year you did not invite him. It was epic. And nobody was happier than me. Yeah. It was sweet. It was sweet. To me, it was one of the best all time. I just, I love that he wasn't invited. It was better that he wasn't invited. Way better. Okay. So he's, now he's really pissed. Finally, last year you invite him. Yeah. And he's all proud about it. And he's like, well, you know, I got invited to the thing. And then he's like, first of all, he was like, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it.

28:14Yeah. Because I got another party. Yeah. At which point, I hear this, but I don't really say anything. So I get Conan to come on our show. Secretly. Secretly. And then get it. It was so easy to get Babin talking about the Christmas party and about Conan. He's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to go. I'm listening. I'm listening. It's on Zoom, but I'm listening. You were here. I was here in this room. And I'm listening. and you guys say, so, hey, Jason, you think you're going to go to Conan's? He's like, I don't know. And he's very casually and he's casual. He's super casual. He's like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to.

28:45I've actually got this other party at which point Conan reveals him. He's like, and he lays into Bateman. I went after Bateman. He lays into him. Hilarious. So we're dying. So then, not long after that, if I may bring up a touchy actual this is real personal subject for you. It's okay. I know what it is. Death in the family. Yep. My parents pass. So, well, first, let me just say the timeline because I have it here. I wrote it down last year because the timeline was so good. Yeah. So I hear that your dad passes away and I text you that day or the next day. And I said, hey, listen, I'm sorry to hear about your dad's passing, sending love from our family to yours.

29:19And you wrote, thank you, Will. To be honest, I blame Bateman. For the death of my father. The day after his father dies. Yeah. Right. So I wrote, it's not a terrible theory. And Conan texted me back, he killed my dad. Oh my God. My dad, can I say in fairness, my dad would have loved this. Okay. So, so, so, so then Bateman, Bateman, I tell Bateman this, we're dying, we're doing a thing that day. So he, the next day, Bateman texts you and he says, Arnett tells me you're on to me. Yes. And Conan texts Bateman and he says, Bateman, do yourself a favor, turn yourself in.

30:11Two days after your dad passes, of course, your mom passed away. Yeah, which I did not see coming. Which you did not see coming. So I text you two days after. I knew you were in Boston. I said, Bateman is asking for your sister's street address.

30:32Okay to give. Yeah. And you were busy that weekend. Like a day and a half later, you texted back, just seeing this now, fantastic. 625 Boylston Street, apartment 12C. Tell Bateman to make it look like a robbery.

30:50Oh my God. You know what's weird? I swear to God, this is how I grieve. I know. Everyone has their way. And I forget who I was with. Somebody at the time was like, it might've been Sean or something. And they were like, what do you think? And I go, this is what he wants. This is what he wants right now. He wants to laugh and do bits. This is what he wants. And I know the vibe. And obviously, our heart was with you and we love you and all that stuff. But I knew that. And honestly, that was, tell him to make it look like a rock. You're so sick. I know. I'm a sick person. but I do know my parents, who I'm very sentimental about, but they, a big driving force in my life was making them laugh.

31:33Sure. And I did used to think about, am I going to want to do comedy after my parents are gone? Because that was the whole reason I did everything. But I remembered very much wanting to, I don't know, connect. It was so comforting to me to screw around with you guys at that moment. It just was. and uh so if that makes me a mad man then so no i get that man i it is that old my grandfather used to say i mean it's not that too profound but he's like you know if you didn't uh if you didn't laugh you'd cry so yeah like they're sort of in that same area and you're still emoting you're still feeling you're kind of doing it in a different way and i i totally get that there been so many times people call it gallows humor or whatever it is yeah but but i get that and um I can't wait till my parents die.

32:21No, just because I've got so many bits ready to go. You've got so many bits. Oh, my God. God. I had... I just... That's... I know the feeling. I knew that I had the Bateman bit. I've done everything. And my dad was like, I feel great. And I was like, I've got this Bateman bit. I cut the brakes. I've been gas leak. I've done it all. And it's just like... No one has said cut the brakes in like 50 years. You can't make a car crash by cutting a wire anymore. Don't worry, I took care of his Tesla. What'd you do? I cut the brakes with this big scissors like they did in the 1920s. I have to mention, there's so much to talk about with you, but I watched your movie last night, Is This Thing On?, and I was very pleased.

33:10And I'm really, I'm proud of you as a friend and I'm really happy for you because you're really magnificent in this film. And Bradley Cooper, who directs the movie, he has a part in it and he's really funny as like a schlub, as a character actor and a friend of yours. And it was really fun to see that. Laura Dern's great. But I was looking at it and I was thinking, I remember you once telling me that your big fear in life was being caught trying. You said that to me once. you said, I just don't want to get caught trying. I know that feeling. And it's why we gravitate towards comedy, because you can joke around if something doesn't quite work, you can make that the bit.

33:58You can just be a shape shifter all the time and nothing sticks to you. And you plant your feet in this project and you're another person. And it's a dramatic role. And I'm very proud of you for doing that. Well, first of all, thank you. Thanks a lot. And yeah, there is there's a lot of truth in that i think that you know along those lines i spent a lot of time uh being very cynical about a lot of things and because it's easy it's kind of it is easy to hide behind it and i give people shit you know we talk about it on our own podcast when we hear people use the term storyteller we're like oh man yeah i know i call 9-1-1 for an eye-rolling incident like you know what i mean like i'm gonna die from really my eyes and then i get no one's an actor anymore and was like, well, I think of my, I love to tell stories.

34:43It's like, it's acting. Yeah, it's acting. Shut up. But, but I get now a little bit more. And again, I don't see myself differently, differently in any way. You have to do that thing where you have to kind of own it and, and be it and be, and there is a vulnerability to it and I can't write it off as a bit and I can't, uh, at the end, pull my pants down and make a fart sound. um you know so i it is in that way for me it was uh it was scary and and truthfully uh um i feel very vulnerable even about people watching when i knew that you were going to watch they said bradley said that they sent it for you guys for you to watch even sean and scotty who are in it yeah knowing they just watched it the full cut a couple days ago the final and i remember just waiting for his reaction.

35:34He's my friend, loves me, you know, my partner, we work together, do all this sort of stuff. And I'm thinking like, oh boy, what if they, you know, they, what if they think I suck? But here's the thing. You initially were quite interested in drama. That's what you wanted to do. That was, and if we went back to you in your twenties, this is what you were interested in. This is why, this is why I moved to New York from Toronto No, truthfully. And I always joke, of course, again, it's a nice cover, that I was young enough and dumb enough to think that that was a pursuit that I wanted to do. And I didn't know anything about comedy at all.

36:09I had no, I didn't do sketch. I was in a stand-up, all that stuff. And so I kind of backed my way into it. I really got into doing comedy stuff from auditioning for sitcom pilots because I needed to pay the rent in the 90s. Yeah. Like the first couple sitcom pilot auditions from my agent, I remember being like, I'm not going to do a sitcom. Like as if it was beneath, I wasn't working. I was making no money. I lived in the worst apartment you could imagine. And I'm thinking like, I'm not going to do a sitcom. It's like, what a fucking idiot I am. But I did, I went wanting to be a dramatic actor.

36:43And the other joke I made, used to make forever again as a cover was people thought my dramatic acting was funny. Well, this is interesting because you're, it's a dramatic role where you play someone who is going through a breakup. uh you're married you have kids the marriage is running out of gas you guys break up separate you move to an apartment you're wandering past a bar someone says you need to pay the cover charge to come in uh and it's a high cover charge and they're like well why and they're like it's because it's a comedy club you said well i don't have that money and the guy said well just write your name down this is a true story it's an actual true story it's inspired by this uh the story of this english comedian really funny guy john bishop whom i happened to meet not a bit on a on a ferry on a barge, like a canal boat in Amsterdam at a lunch.

37:30And I went over there with a friend and it was a big, a bunch of people going over there for this thing. And I went, I sat next to him and he told me the story of how it became a standup. And this story was, he was, he was separated from his wife, getting divorced. And he goes to a pub and he doesn't want to pay the cover and he puts his name down for open mic. So he gets in for free thinking they're not going to call me. And they call him and he goes up. And the first thing he says is I'm getting a divorce. I think I'm getting a divorce. Yeah. He has no ambition to be a standup, knows nothing about stand-up.

37:56So that was the impetus for the story. But he has the catharsis. He keeps going back. Yeah, yeah. And it makes him feel good. Yeah. He tried drinking. He tried all that stuff. But this, he actually, and this is a guy, you know, who had never been to therapy, never done any of that stuff. But going in front of a crowd of strangers and just kind of talking about his own reality made him feel better. He got relief from it, which I totally get now. I'd never done stand-up before and I can see how that works. I was curious to prepare for this role. you did stand-up. Yeah. And you did a lot of stand-up.

38:27Yeah. And were you telling the crowds this is for a movie role? No. Well, once. I know that in that situation I probably would have said this is for a project. I would have wanted some kind of shield as opposed to. That was the instinct. Yeah. And actually the truth is the first time I went to do stand-up Shane Gillis who was really kind to us and invited us down to Austin and to go up at the mothership. And he said, come down here and we'll give you some time. So Bradley and I went down there. This is right after New Year's last year when we were in pre-production. And I hadn't done stand-up yet.

39:03And we went down there and we had all this material that we had written for the various sets that happened throughout the movie. And the first time I went up there, they introduced me as Alex Novak, my character's name. And so I go out, I'm nervous as hell. again you know i've done lots of stuff before but never done actual stand-up um even though i was being introduced so people are sort of you can see some people were and here some people were confused they're kind of laughing and there were some people who were clearly fans and not everybody but some people are like oh yeah okay and what's the name and what's going on and i said i said something like yeah i'm alex bear with me hopefully in a year or so this will make sense is what i set.

39:46And then I went on and I did this set, came out, uh, came off and it went, it went okay. It was like, I was, and, uh, I was about to go out again for the second time that night and Kirk Fox, this comedian, great dude, super funny dude. He was talking to me and he said, Hey man, don't, I don't know why it just, he goes, you don't need to explain it. Just go out and do it. Don't worry about it. And it was such a great, it was such a great piece of advice. And, and I was like, yeah. So I just went, I did it and I thought, you know what? These people are going to think I'm having a nervous breakdown.

40:14That's okay. It doesn't matter. And, and that gave me license. And then a couple of days later, we were the next day we flew back to New York and for six weeks, virtually every night I'd go, we'd go to the cellar at night and do three sets a night. And then during the day we'd rework this stuff. Cause we're trying to track the, my character's progression and the story and everything. And I would go up and they'd introduce me sometimes as his second time up or his first time. I'd go up as Alex Novak and people laugh or have a reaction and it didn't matter. And Bradley would say to me almost every time, you know, the instinct is, as you know, you go up there, you're a performer, you're doing this thing.

40:51And then part of you is like, well, I just want to make him laugh anyway. Right. I just want to get the laugh because I'm there anyway. I might as well do something to get the laugh. I might as lean on some of my old bits, my old standbys, you know, and Bradley would stop me and he'd go, we're doing something different. And I go, right. We're doing something. God, what a dick. I know. you can't throw your fastball you know you're talking about Bradley Cooper or no you're talking about General Omar Bradley from World War II terrific general and this is a film directed by General Omar Bradley and we shot it we shot it in the early 50s I guess before he passes away yeah yeah right before he passed away and we were in we were in the French sector of Berlin because the French were still controlling it end where your character defeats Hitler.

41:40I didn't see that coming with comedy. Yeah. I killed him with comedy. Well, I'll say one thing I got pulled in and I think one of the compliments I can pay you is that I got, I got pulled into the movie and then at one point you're having an argument with your estranged wife, Laura Dern, and I got mad at her. Sure. I got mad at the character. Because you love me. And I just, well, no, I did take your side. You have a big argument with her. Things are going, you have a big argument with her. And I started to get agitated because I thought, no, he's right. You're not, you've, he tried to do something nice.

42:23Why the, why can't you? And I, I got worked up. I know the moment you're talking about, and it's funny, I've had a few people have, have had reactions from other people that I know, other men and women who have very, you know. So this morning, minor thing, because my wife and I watched the movie together. And then this morning I'm doing something and she's like, did you lose those keys? And I went, I didn't lose those keys. And she said, well, where are you going to put them this time? So you don't lose them. And I said, I didn't lose them. I didn't even go looking for them. They're not lost. They were here.

42:53And she went, well, you kind of did lose them. And I just said, don't Laura Dern me. Wow. Because we had just watched the movie. Wow. Last I said, don't Laura Dern me. And she's like, okay, if we're doing that, I'm out. Wow. Cause she doesn't, God bless Liza, she does not put up with my shit. She was like, if we're doing that game, I'm gone. And she went about her business and then we talked later and it was good. But, Well check your phone. Yeah. Oh my God. The pool boy. Why is Liza calling me? An old cliche. Yeah. Go through my assistant. Why is she directly contacting me? By the way, the pool boy's 80.

43:32Yeah. but that's what makes you feel worse and he still wants to be called the pool boy that's what makes you feel worse he's 80 he has no hips they've both been removed but not replaced they carry him around in a wheelbarrow but but David has to have his hips removed for weight he's the only guy I know who has joints removed to keep his weight down Yeah, it's unbelievable. He had, remember the time he had just a spoonful of creme brulee? And then he went on a shooting spree? I love the man. I do love the man. And it's just jealousy. It's just pure jealousy. He looks so good. He looks so good.

44:16Anyway, let's not waste it. We're talking about that. Not another second on him.

44:29i got some years on you but i am liking this part of life where you've done the other thing for a long time you got a lot of satisfaction out of it and now you're just trying stuff and you're you're putting yourself out there and uh well it's very cool thank you i you know it's not like i'm not making a big statement like now i'm doing this at all but but you did ask me to call you actor yeah will arnett storyteller storyteller storyteller story weaver dream weaver yeah and uh i uh but but it is it has been it's been really um again been really satisfying uh Doing this and also I do feel like I'm at a stage in my life where I'm just much more sort of bound and determined to do stuff that I want to do.

45:21Yeah, yeah. And so, again, I'm not like, you know, now I'm doing this. Now I am the storyteller at all, at all, at all, at all. I mean, I'm still a fucking idiot, you know. I'm glad you said it. I'm not supposed to say it, but I'm glad you did. But is that like a known? Yeah, yeah. Wait, you've heard other? No, it's on your Wikipedia page. It says, moron, Will Arnett. But do they? Born. But do they? These guys know. We started it. Yeah. Oh, you started it. Yeah. Oh, so you sound like somebody was talking about me. The title of your podcast is smartless. You know? What describes us best? I, and I do, you know this about me.

46:09I worship at the altar of Arrested Development. I think at its finest, it is maybe one of the highest levels of comedy that's been achieved. Or if not the, it's in very rare company. And so it's just a remarkable achievement. And so you're an indelible part of that thing. That's a real major way that my son and I have bonded over the years is different comedic things. And he and I, to this day, when we get together, when he's back from school, and he's glum or one of us is down, we start watching Arrested Development. And he's like a, you know, he's like a car dealer in Vegas. He knows which ones to give me.

46:50And he knows exactly which ones to deal out. Like what mood, what'll turn it around? Yeah, he knows that anything with Franklin in it will kill me. Oh my God. Franklin, the ventriloquist puppet. Yeah. The closeup shot of Franklin pushing in, which I've talked to you about. Yeah. A reaction shot of a puppet. But there are so many things in that show that give me such delight. And I know that Mitch Hurwitz has been like a huge part of your life, not just as the creator of a show that helped you get a toehold and gave you a real push, but as a friend and a mentor and a life guide. Without question.

47:28And I don't know him well. I've met him a bunch of times. Which is funny because you guys live like 200 yards from each other. I know. True story. And whenever he comes, I duck behind a hedge. Yeah. And you know what? I am, I'm, I, you know, it's that stupid thing in LA where you don't walk down the street. Nobody sees their neighbors. No one sees their neighbors here, which is not how I grew up, but it's very strange. Can I ask you just sort of sidebar? I want to get into the Mitch thing because I, as you, you're right. And I adore Mitch and he's been incredibly impactful in my life. Not just, not just as a sort of a comedic beacon and a guide and a mentor, but also as a friend and as a person.

48:06He's one of the all-time great guys. Do you guys dream about moving back to New York a lot these days? Well, it's funny you say that. No. No, I'm kidding. No, it's funny you say that. I'm kind of half moving back now, and I'm like, I can't get out of here fast enough. Oh, okay. I still love Los Angeles. But I really love a lot of things about Los Angeles, and I'm happy to be here. but it's funny you say that because I've been going back more and more, uh, for work because, you know, Sirius XM, they have a space there. And also both my kids are on the East coast for school. So I'll go back East and I'll be in New York and I'm very happy to be honest.

48:50I like both. I like the contrast, but I like, I like spending now two weeks in the, you know, going up to Boston, seeing my, you know, my family. Uh, and, but hanging in New York is great. It's been, it's been, and I know it's like, it's like the oldest thing, you know, New York facility. And I, I, for years I got so sick of people going like, well, in New York, you can walk around, but I'm like, I know I did the same thing. I lived in New York for over 20 years. I get it. So, but I have lately and I feel like I'm not alone. A lot of my friends and people, you know, are like, I'm ready to go back.

49:22Like I see my later stages of life being in New York. I'm just, LA has been, I don't know. Again, there are going to be people like, good, get the fuck out. You know, I don't know what to tell you. I just got so much, you know, many properties here in LA. Oh God. I mean, I own most of Catalina. You know that about me, right? I didn't know that. Oh, I mean, what I did is I took money that I made here on the podcast and I have bought up most of the valley, all of Catalina. You saw what happened in Catalina today, right? What happened? Oh, my God. You're the designated, you're Gavin Newsom. What?

50:00It's a toxic site. It's worthless. I built a massive gym. It's all worthless. I seriously own like 6 ,000 acres. On the way here, Gavin Newsom said it's toxic, and they're just going to raise it. And no one will ever, it's uninhabitable. No one will ever be able to go there. I built, you know that giant geodesic dome that just went up? That's my house. You're destitute. You're destitute now. It's all gone. You lost everything. I told you not to put it all in Catalina. And you said nothing. And you actually said to me, this place will never be toxic. Which is, how could you have? I said my marriage may be toxic and all my friendships, but this ground in Catalina never shall be.

50:44Remember? I said that to you? Of course I remember. where you shattered it from a mountaintop. And I said I'm going to build a giant geodesic dome and live there. And live there forever. I put everything into that. And you did say you were going to live forever also as part of it. I shall. I'll outlive Bateman. You and I are going to outlive Bateman. I go, man. You know he's going to dance on my grave. Of course he will. That's not for six years. Will. Mitch Horowitz, one of the all-time great guys, I just want to say. He created Rest Development, as you know. as you pointed out i i don't think i've a i mean the wittiest funniest most naturally just like it's such a gifted gifted gifted dude yeah just amazing guy he is when you when i watch that show i haven't actually re-watched in a while but sometimes clips will come up and and i'll just think like what a fucking brilliant scene like what a everything like just go what a great idea to keep that many balls in the air and have it all pay off dude to have that cast but to have that vision um he was almost like a live act we used to say it's emerging like on a live action simpson sometimes like from back especially from when when you were there like those days and and we i meant that always is the highest compliment to him no cutaways it's things you can do in animation that you really can't achieve yeah when you're shooting on a set uh and you guys had that pace.

52:08The whole thing is beautifully rendered and man, does it hold up. Yeah. It's great. And so I always, it's been a lovely thing for me in my life because I always go back to my favorite stuff and that includes Arrested Development. And you are so funny in that show, but it's great now. I mean, like I say, you have all these things in your back pocket and now you can go make a movie with Bradley Cooper. And it's good. It's really good. Yeah, thanks. I just outed him as Bradley Cooper. Not, I know a lot of people were like, you mean General Omar Bradley? I know people were going there. Why is your audience so obsessed with...

52:49You know what? We know one thing. When you leave the comments, there are always like more World War II generals. Do they really? Yeah. That's bizarre, man. No. I'm not going to be... Well, you probably get that too. It's smartless. Mine are more UK-sit-like Montgomery. They want more Montgomery. Mentions of Montgomery. More Bernard Montgomery. Will, I'm very happy for you. You know, funny, Neville Chamberlain once said, oh, sorry, go ahead. Will, you are a great friend, and joking aside, it meant the world to me that you were texting me during a dark time, and riffing with you over text was a true bomb.

53:28It really did. It was a serum that helped me. And just delighted that you're in my life. Say hi to the guys from me. I will. I will. But do it more, like show more love to Sean from me. And then let, you know what I mean? You'll know how to play it. Of course I know how to play it. Let Bateman know like, oh, he's really all over Sean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to just pour a lot of sugar on Sean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And then be like, no, no, he knows you're on the - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you too, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. I definitely mentioned you.

53:56I'm pretty sure it mentioned you. all right i love it man this is it we don't have a way to end this really is there no ending to it there really isn't an ending it just and this way this you know we usually wait for it to peter out and this petered out a couple of times um so there's a couple of endpoints we can use okay you know oh oh you're okay sorry you're gonna create an endpoint uh and that's the way we do What are you going to say?

54:28There goes another one, by the way. Yeah? There goes another one. Yeah, and I'll tell you something. That's what he said to her. Where are you looking? Oh, there's a camera there. Right there. Nothing ruins an audio presentation like a guy playing the camera. Hey, can I just say something? Yeah, it's about time you spoke up. Hey, do you have another quote? Oh, I got something. Hey, is it okay? I read this inspirational quote. It's a long sermon by Euripides.

55:05Fucking man, that thing went on and on. And it was great. Oh, yeah, I get it. Yeah, but... Can't you just say it in fewer words? Did you have to read the whole thing? This guy fucking kills me. what's on your phone that's better than me fuck I'm just giving you time you know I got people to talk to oh look I was just doing some texting fucking cool musicians are texting me oh what's this Eddie better than text you too nothing what was the question I was going to ask you guys about about God we'll just cut the pauses out so I seem really snappy. Yeah yeah we'll cut off we're gonna double up on your pauses.

55:53Here it is. When you don't have a fancy mic you can have fun. I mean you guys are at Sirius as well. Yeah. Right? Yeah. What do you think about a collab? Yes. You know? Hey. Should we do a collab? But you know let me tell you something. We do in we do like we come in here into the studio me and Sean and Bateman and come into the studio and we just do something, you know? You know what? Let me tell you something. We got a huge thing going. Just to give you a spark.

56:26That's fair. That's fair. We've been dragging ass lately. You're looking a little lighter. I love that that came on the heels of you going, you know, we got a good thing going. You immediately changed to we're dragging ass lately. Let me tell you something. you guys come in we join forces you know we we take the power of this show and then we add whatever you guys are doing and we have whatever we're doing you're doing fine didn't you have a documentary or something no I don't remember we did a docu-series yeah okay I don't know I remember I tried to get it and it said there's been little interest do you mind if I just do this real quick sorry I don't want to interrupt okay GMC continues its commitment to professional grade engineering in the GMC truck series.

57:13Like offering the world's first available six-function multi-pro tailgate on Sierra. I just got to get a little business done. Is that okay? You know, you get a lot of that candy money from Reese's. I know you do. I hate to brag, but I got a candy bar too. Payday. Payday came to me. And I do a payday bar now. And they want, yeah. Hershey's is your bar. Hershey's is your bar. Don't, God, you can't have fun. I'm sorry, Hershey's is your bar. He can't have - It's not payday. What's that? It's not payday, it's Hershey's. God, he's, do you have a guy in the room with you who's like, not monetizable?

57:54There's no money here. No, we don't have a cooler on set. We bring to cool down the heat on the table. Sorry, I mentioned arrival candy. That won't happen again. Why don't you just have a taser and just shock me? Oh, my God. No, Hershey's. You know, Hershey's came to me like, oh. Hershey's peanut butter cups? That's who owns Reese's. No, sorry. What? That's who owns Reese's, right? Yeah. Yeah, well, the big company that runs it all came to me. So you live from Reese's, and by the way, you don't even seem to like the candy when you talk about it. But I, Hershey came to me. Yeah. And they were like, please, please, please, please.

58:32And I said, all right, sure. Oh, good. Yeah. So I did it. When I described them as sort of obsequious. They were so like, oh my God. We're hemorrhaging cash. And so I was like, yeah, whatever. Hey, Hershey's. I like it. But then they were like. You're selling articular. I forget that. Keep going. I said, Hershey's is good. But anyway, and then they said, Hershey's candy bar through the roof. Through the roof after I gave it my sign of approval. Through the roof. Through the fucking roof. This is so easily verifiable. Don't look it up. Don't look it up. That always is alarm bells when somebody says, don't look it up immediately.

59:15And you tried to grab my phone. Yeah. That's how worried you were. Just don't look it up. Okay. Anyway. What's the rest of your day like, Conan? Be honest. Be really honest. Facial. That true? Yeah, like one of those avocado scrubs on the face. And then the back. What time did you start drinking? Like four? 3.30. No. Three o 'clock. Yeah. 2.30. 2.15. And then, you're gonna watch the baseball? You're gonna watch the baseball? I'm not gonna say what, but you're gonna watch the baseball? You can't say which teams? Oh, because this doesn't air until, you know what, this airs. welcome to showbiz. Hey, hey, Merry Christmas.

59:50Fuck, dude. Merry Christmas, man. Dude. Merry Christmas. God. Merry Christmas. You're still just a writer up on 17. Does this need a punch up? You see? Lauren liked it. They're fucking, this is what happened when you let the nerds in. You did well at read through. This is what happened. The nerds never got it. You know what I mean? It works on the page. We got it. Don't worry. You didn't say it the right way. We're rolling. Scram. Say it this way. Talent's here. Cheese is coming out of my eyes. Oh, my God. We stopped recording so long ago. I know. These mics blow, but you can lean against them.

1:00:32You know, you can't do that with yours. I can lean against mine. Anyway, a time was had by all. You know what? And that's what they did. Stop ruining it. We had a great, I just tied it up. It was perfect. Oh, my God. To be continued. Fuck you. Don't come back. Don't come back. You're the worst. You're a terrible guy. By the way, all jokes aside, and I know we're done, But let me just say this, and I know you wanted to get in a voiceover, and you said all the people came to you, but I did think of a gig that you'd be really good for. Yeah, what's that? Affleck. Affleck! Affleck! Fucking perfect.

1:01:14We got it. They also, there's a helium balloon company that wants me. Really? Oh, helium balloons! Wait, voices can get higher? Okay.

1:01:27Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy

1:01:47Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

1:02:32Thank you.