Zach Galifianakis Returns Again

23:30There's no elbowing for room or real estate. Do you know what I mean? There's just, if someone has a good idea, everyone's like, oh my God, that's great. Let's do it. No one's, I don't know. That's a really funny idea, but I'm not going to laugh because, and that's, so SNL definitely much more competitive. I don't know if it's like that as much anymore. Might not be. Cause when I went back to host, I noticed, oh, it seemed much more loose and friendlier. Not that it wasn't friendly when I was there for writing, but yeah, it was an honor to do it. I didn't have any bad feelings about it except for the tumbleweeds going across the writer's room.

24:05Yeah, and that feeling of when you put a sketch in, if it's not working at read-through, you can see everybody flipping to see how many pages this is. So you'll have that moment. You're not supposed to do that. I do that all the time at table.

24:23I'm always like, do I have any more parts to this? Scanning for my name.

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27:28You're bringing in something that popped in my head and I don't know if you and I've ever talked about this connection and maybe he doesn't want us to, but Tommy Blotcher wrote on Conan, right? Yeah. Tommy, one of my favorite writers of all time. Yeah, I think he happens to be the funniest person I think I've ever met. Like he's that funny. And I knew that he left your show to go write for professional wrestling, right? Yes. He worked with us back in the 90s and I knew him through Andy Richter. From Chicago, probably. From Chicago. And he brought and for a while, Tommy didn't say anything and he was super quiet.

28:04And I just thought, well, I wonder if this guy's going to work out. I don't know. And then he revealed himself in the writer's room and on paper to be the funniest guy. I gave him a shout out on Stern once because I was on Stern and Stern was kind of talking to me about, so you must just hire like Harvard Lampoon guys. And I said, no. It was like an army guy. Yeah. I said, one of the funniest guys I've ever, one of the funniest writers I've ever known, I don't think went to college. Are you talking about Tommy? And I was talking about Tommy and he said, who is that? And I said, Tommy Blacha. um so he uh really brilliantly funny guy he his he's on a level that i i mean the same level i would put you on which is this we used to do this bit back and forth to each other where it was just really this just the dumbest person right yeah and because Tommy's really good at dumb and and it would be like uh what about drinking coffee or something like it was always the most obvious And it always followed with or something.

29:03Yeah, or something. So one night, Tommy's had to spend the night at my house, and we were both working together. We had to get up early the next morning for work. And he's in the next room over, and it's 7 in the morning. I'm up, and I'm just kind of basically waking up. And I hear Tommy say under his breath as he's waking up, what, am I awake or something? And I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him. Yeah, yeah. And I used to beg. Like, he would make me laugh so hard. Like I didn't want to leave him. It was. So he, he, this is one of my proudest happy moments. He, for, I would do all these riffs in the writer's room that outrageous over the top, where I would almost play this over the top host who's incredibly abusive.

29:45And I would come into a room and someone would start to talk and I would say play. Yeah. But I remember at a time I was on this jag of saying like, why don't you have a big, tall glass of shut up juice. And it was just a really stupid, childish put down that I was doing. and I would do it whenever someone was taking a swig of something. I'd be like, oh, a little more. Just after they had pitched something, I'd be like, oh, a little more shut up juice, huh? Wet the whistle with some. And Tommy left because he was going to go write for professional wrestling. And he told me, hey, you got to tune in.

30:16I wrote this for The Rock. He's taunting one of his opponents and he tells him, why don't you go have a tall glass of shut up juice? And I was so thrilled and I watched it. And sure enough, The Rock was like, hey, I'll tell you something. And he's got like, maybe you should just go have a long tool glass, tall glass of shut up juice. And then they cut you people in the arena and they're like holding their heads like, The Rock got him. And then I think the following week, someone had a sign that said, shut up juice. And I was in heaven. Oh, that's a payoff. No one knew. I didn't care if anyone knew that was me or not.

30:52And then those are the kinds of things that make me super happy. And so, Tommy. One of the funniest. Yeah. Such a funny guy. I'm curious, like you and these other jobs, it's interesting to me that, which I totally understand, you're not being the Zach Galifianakis that people would know. You're just grimly doing your job and trying to do it well, which would describe probably you. And I mean, I know that you were a nanny for a while doing. I was a house cleaner. House cleaner. Cleaned apartments in New York for a couple of years. Yeah, I was pretty. You know, I'm pretty quiet. it i think and then the comedy scene kind of maybe broke me out of my shyness i think uh somewhat i performed more i got a little bit more comfortable with that stuff but uh yeah those jobs will humble you i mean i i i moved to new york wanting not my i didn't want my parents to have to like send me anything right and they never did and i was pretty independent but my father he would send me things in the mail i'm like oh go run to the mailbox oh god i hope this is food I hope this is food.

31:54And I'd open it and it was always irregular underwear. I'd just open it in the post office. It was light. I mean, maybe he was sitting there and be potato chips. But it was always irregular underwear. Something valuable was wrapped in it, you know? I don't know.

32:14Irregular underwear. Yeah, it's cheap. My dad was cheap. Cheap. I also think there's something to, I used to think about this a lot. when people get to know me and know my rhythm, this will be a little easier. And I think that would be very true of you. I mean, I always thought you would come on our show back in the day and people didn't know you and you'd sit at a piano and you would tell these great jokes, but you never winked. You never, you know, shot them a look like, you never ingratiated yourself with the crowd. You just completely went in and they had to accept you as you were. And I think you have to do that for a while in order to have people meet you halfway.

32:57I think that's a, I think you're right. I also think if comedically, I should say only, I've always thought it's more interesting if you're just doing a standup bit like that to have kind of a disdain for the audience. You know, I, I never was like, hi, I'm going to tell us like a friendly. All right, let's tell us. I've seen standups come out like, what's up Miami? God, that's a lot of energy. You don't want to know how Miami's doing. Miami, I have no concern or interest in you. I respect the audience, but now performers have a real relationship with the audience via social media. That, too, I've never participated in.

33:38That's a weird, I don't know how to do that. Yeah. You have something that I'm not too familiar with called dignity. and a high self regard. I could tell you a lot of stories that would go against that. Well, I mean, we've talked about it. I won't go into it, but I do think that was particularly helpful to you when you did your famous Between Two Ferns interview with Obama because you're the only person that gave him, I mean, you know, I know that this in any way was just you doing your comedy, but you were so rude as that person. And it's hilarious because I don't think anyone's talked to, certainly a sitting president or even in this time, no one's talked to a president.

34:29All the podcasters that have had the president on now, they don't do their court gesture. They don't do it. They just, they suck up to him. So the comedians that have had, that are podcasters that have had Trump on, they're not doing their job. That's not the job of a comedian. You are to challenge. You are to make uncomfortable. You're not to sit there and fake laugh. That is not the job of the court jester. Period. So there is a difference. Actually, somebody yesterday was talking to me about that, about political influence through comedy and all that stuff. I'm more interested in the comedy first.

35:05Me too. You know? Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, whatever their motive is, fine. But the comedy has to come first. I remember when I interviewed Hillary Clinton, and I could tell she didn't want to be there. And I totally get that. I get it. But before we had set that whole thing up, they wrote back, well, you can't bring up those emails. And I go, well, we don't have to do the interview. I totally, that's fine. We won't do it. When you tell powerful people no, it's crazy. They were like, okay, we'll do it. Well, you can ask. because it's not that important to me to do it the way they want to do it. You have to, if you're going to come in a comedy, you got it the way we want to do it.

35:44Also, I see this all the time, and I've seen it for years and years and years and years, people not understanding that if they go to the supposedly vulnerable place and have a sense of humor about it, it is magical for them. People see they have a sense of humor. They see that they can take a joke. I mean, no one walked away from your interview with Obama and thought, but wow, you really showed him. He got to be hilarious. He sat there and entered your world of, you know, being intentionally ignorant about who he is, what he does, cutting him off, being insanely rude and gave it back to you in equal measure.

36:22And you looked at it and you thought, this is a great piece of comedy. And I know it reflects well back on the president. And our current president would do well to understand that, to understand that, you know, if he let himself be the butt of the joke, it's humanizing. I know it is impossible. You wouldn't do it with him. It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work. I'm just saying in an alternate universe, if we're talking about a different human being, they would see that there's this misconception that, oh, the media just wants to go after conservatives and they don't understand that everyone benefits when they laugh at themselves.

37:00That's right. Period. Yes. Everyone wins. Yes. If you laugh at yourself, it humanizes you and like pheromones are released and humans think that's a good human who and when you refuse to let that happen, that's not projecting strength. That's projecting weakness. I agree 100 percent. There's also the math of comedy to me sometimes where the punching down that the right seems to do something. And I don't want to get political here, but the that's not as funny to me as taking on the powerful. like the math of it doesn't work yeah for me like to take on some people it's marginalized people make fun of that listen i'm all for humor i can defend it but that mathematically so that's why you don't see a lot of comedy that comes out of the like the right i mean the right you just it's hard to do i don't i'm not saying suggesting you cannot it's just difficult to do yeah because of The dynamics.

37:57Yeah. Greg Gutfeld. Oh, hurt. What a hilarious guy. You got him. I don't know if they'll show up to work again. I always love imagining these people being completely unhinged by a comment on a podcast or, you know, someone did a sketch about them on SNL and they're just completely unhinged. I'm sure. And they can no longer go longer. That's all for clicks, though. Yep. You know what I mean? It's fake. Well, that's boring, the whole everyone... Commenting on everything. Yeah, and everyone has to... Wait, did Sabrina Carpenter just slightly misspeak at a performance at Coachella? Or can we make that into something?

38:47Yes, we can. And then she'll apologize. And I think she's a fantastic performer. She makes a lot of people happy. I actually don't think she did anything wrong. She couldn't hear what the person in the audience was saying. There was no harm, no foul here, but people got a 24-hour news cycle out of it. And it's just, I mean, it's stupid. It's strange. You know, the other thought on that, too, is it's interesting. People from the right, or whatever you want to say, they're always like, shut up, entertainers, you're just entertainers. And I kind of get that because I'm from the South. And, you know, but I always think, yeah, but you guys say that to us entertainers, but you elect the entertainers.

39:30Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, gopher from the love boat. I mean, I could go on. His name is Fred Grandy. I could go on and on. Sonny Bono. I mean, it goes on and on. Yeah. So it's always interesting to me that they point that out. But then they fall, then they're the ones that hire or elect the entertainers. Yeah. Yeah. I think even more so than the other side. So I don't know. It's very odd, all of it. But it was a good run. Oh, no. We're wrapping it up. Are we calling it? We're calling it. Well, 250 is a good time to call it. Oh, man. Oh, yes. 250. I don't feel any, is anybody celebrating?

40:15I think they're going, they're going to, well, there's plans to build giant monuments. I think the triumphal arch was going to be for the 250th, I think. Okay, good. We just got to get that thing built. This is going to sound controversial, and I don't want to... When Trump did that Jesus thing, how was the turning point for me? I was like, I kind of like him. Oh, like him? Yeah. Okay. What do you think? Am I off? No, I think you're off at all. He wasn't Jesus. He was a doctor. Yeah, his excuse was, I was a doctor who wears a robe and a red sash. And has like a halo behind it. He's a red cross worker.

40:56Oh, man. He's a very good nightclub comic.

41:02You know what? I was watching your gardening show and I want to mention this because it's called This is a Gardening Show. And one of the... Yeah, he was up all night thinking of that title. And actually, we spent about 400 titles back and forth. Oh, really? Between two farms. I mean, it was like, you know, all these play on words. It was so, then the producer emails me and goes, the first thing you say is this is a gardening show. Yeah. Why don't we just call it? I was like, okay. But yeah, that's how we got to the title. Well, you know what I love, because I've known for years that you hang out on Vancouver Island and then to get to see you in your habitat that is very cool.

41:45I mean, first of all, it's beautiful. But getting to see you, I knew that you were a very sort of an outdoorsy guy. I didn't know specifically how important gardening was to you. The show is really funny and you get to be you, obviously, because you are you and there's no fixing that now. But just getting to see you in that world, I totally get it. I you like to get up in the morning and tend to plants. I love it. I it's strange how much I mean, I've been always been a hobby. It was been my hobby, I guess, for 20 plus years. But now that I have some some space, I've been building a garden and I just do.

42:30I mean, I have 100 little pumpkin seedlings in my greenhouse right now that when I get back to Canada, I'll put in the ground and that'll probably produce 200 pumpkins for the year. I that kind of stuff it's I I can't tell you how much I love it it's it's a feeling that I feel like as humans it's part of us but we got away from it yeah we we just because because technology and convenience has overtaken everything we're pushing buttons is soulless yeah there's nothing there yeah for me and I I wanted to do this show for several reasons one you know when you watch documentaries about where we are climate wise, you hear there's 64 harvests left.

43:16OK, maybe that's not true, but what if it is? Right. What you know, this is these are there's a there's these are scientists that are saying this 64 harvests left. So I see some people acting like, oh, my God, what are we going to do? What are we going to do? And then I see some people don't care. So I don't know. I'm just going to go with what my gut feeling is, which is maybe kids need to know this stuff yeah yeah wait till the russians shoot down the satellites motherfucker it's just a quote from the south i heard recently that i was like yeah i believe you i actually believe that that would i believe and think about that yeah right so all of these i feel like the safety might not be there for the next generation so i'm and this is not an altruistic thing i'm trying to say it's just a practical thing.

44:06Our food, even if nothing happens, even let's say everything stays normal. Well, our food and where we get it and how what we know about it is we don't have a relationship with food. A lot of us don't. Right. Right. You think about it, birth, death, food and where it's coming from. We're primal parts of our existence for so long. I mean, they're just, you know, printed into our DNA as we evolve. And then within the last few generations, we've completely removed ourselves from it. And I'm going to be completely honest with you. Like I know nothing about gardening. I know nothing about where my food comes from.

44:43I say to David, I want to get that. And you were like, all right. And you get it. And it comes and I shove it in my face really quickly and with great hate. And, um, but it's the same thing about death. Like we're not, we're not, people used to live and die in their home and people used to be there for it. And now everything's kind of farmed out. So yeah, it's, but it's a medicine too. It's not just, it's just not, it's not altruistic. You do it for yourself. Yes, absolutely. I mean, look, I'm a little chubby guy, but I love eating fresh vegetables and fruits out of the garden. It's like, it's, it's a high for me.

45:17It just is. So there's, there's many elements to it, but I'm saying it's a medicine to be in the garden. It's healthy to be. It's also, when you talk about, you've spoken about this for a while and you mentioned it today, the kind of allergic reaction you have to the bullshittery of show business. And in some of it, there's obviously great parts of it. And then there's parts of it which can actually feel like a toxin. It's poison and honey. Yeah. I felt this, I got a chance. Danny Harrison, George's son, invited me to come see George's home, Friar Park and I went and so much of it are George Harrison's were his gardens where he grew things and I've seen footage of him in various documentaries just tending to his gardens and tending to his sunflowers and tending to the things he was growing and I thought oh and you know he Danny said yeah he told him once you know Danny said oh let's go into town let's leave Friar Park and go into town and his father said why would we do that why would we go out there It's insane out there.

46:24If you look at all the footage of his life in the 60s and 70s, it was screaming and madness. This was the antidote. Interesting. And I think you've experienced being in the nose cone of the rocket and there are people who are making a living pretending to be you hanging outside of Planet Hollywood.

46:46That's, and like, we got to get us a Zach Galifianakis for the party. I got one. I got one too. Well, bring them both, you know. So it's such a nice antidote to find those places where you can grow apples. Well, I also think it's possible in the cities. I mean, when you guys all leave today, I want you to pay attention to how much concrete is around you versus greenery. Just think about it. Yeah. It's crazy. It's really crazy. I mean, I think humans' biggest mistake was fighting nature. instead of working with, we're going to conquer it. No, you're not. No, you're not. It's going to win. And it looks like it's definitely going to win.

47:29So you have to respect it and honor it. If there's a God that made all this stuff, why not respect it? And the other things that this God has made, that's coming from someone that has no idea if there's a God or not. But if there is, why is it the simplest thing to respect the earth and the humans and the animals on it? Other than that, what is there? yeah i mean this where humans are going with ai i mean i guess i don't know if i'm old-fashioned or i'm maybe it's because i'm 56 now but i think this whole ai thing and i don't mean for medicine i don't it's got a lot of great things otherwise though i think it's another like biblical in the biblical term of biting the apple again i just am very afraid of it yeah the dudes that are designing it yeah there's a real problem because these dudes how do i say it they have math minds suck they have math minds you know what i mean they have math minds and that's good but there's very little wisdom coming out of that pocket of the world almost none yeah and we're just running all of us are running in that direction the media the media loves ai the media loves social media because it causes more of this.

48:45Yeah. I love when CNN, they'll have a reporter on going, they'll do a report on social media and how bad it is for someone. And then after the report, Jake Tapper gets on and go, follow me on Twitter. It's asinine. Have you no self-reflection? Well, even how we communicate through text, there's not a sarcastic font, right? Right. And people are not good enough writers to do it through text. As a comedian, to get back LOL is really diminishing returns. So I think the way we have let robots do this for us has also made us a little bit off. I just do. I worry about the lack of human connection with that stuff.

49:31And maybe it just is not as needed as we think it is. I don't know. I mean, I really don't know. But this world, this tech stuff, I've always thought about it. I've always worried about it, especially when social media came about and MySpace and all this. When it was done, you could do it anonymously. That's a weird start for anything. So the weirdos running this thing, and good weirdos, I don't mean they're all bad weirdos. We need to, there needs to be a guardrail. And I think politically, nothing changes in the States until they regulate the Internet. Yeah, I do think not. So we can sit here and talk.

50:10Good luck. It could work for both sides. Right. It just depends on who's going to control it, the messaging. But I see how people scroll on planes. I'm like, that's how people get their news. We're screwed. Yeah. I do think that if you look at the history of huge technological advances, including like the printing press, you know, and how that revolutionized things. In the early days, it's rough going when people are handed a brand new superpower. And we are at the beginning of this. And I do think if we survive it, there will be guardrails. There will be people that say, oh, no, you can't have a kid can't have a tablet.

50:51We've figured it out. They can't have it till they're 14 um and that's a law you know or you can't it's like how a city like a city can be built and there's like crap in the streets the sewage is all wrong and then as it ages they fix the problem we're at the okay corral phase where drunks are punching each other through the swinging doors of the bar and landing in the mud people are shooting their guns in the air going neehaw that's where we are but do you think it's going to need a regulation to get to there do you think the government yeah yeah i think it's and i think it's going they're not going to do it but you know what it does it comes through just this hard experience and and humans do if they put their hand on the stove enough times they learn not we need a rule about putting our hands on the stove i hope you're right there's an i am right there's an addiction there's an addiction thing here too that we have it that's the other thing is the addiction part yeah and And that addiction is designed.

51:46Listen, you read the read the. Have you read the Facebook whistleblower book? No, you need her. It's unreal. I read it twice. It's fascinating. So they know that they're making it addictive. So that's the problem. Yeah, I think maybe with the comparing it to the old technology. Right. Sure. You're right. I think the printing press, of course, it changed the world. Technology is what changes humans the most. Political correctness, for example, has always been in comedy for the last 30 years. It just has. The difference is the technology. The audience talks back now. And comedians, you've got to be okay with it.

52:24That's the only thing that's changed. Not political correctness. That did not, for sure, it happened many, many years ago. But what really changed is if someone comes and sees you live and they don't like it, and you've said something, they're going to either videotape it or get it. So it's weird. It's all very strange. Yeah. But then I see people on their computers all the time and like they never do anything else. My mind goes, well, when the end of the world comes, they're the veal. Well, you know what? It's soft. Soft meat. It's a soft meat. So we might need them. No. We're going to eat. All the veals up in Silicon Valley.

53:06We're coming to eat you, boys. Wait a minute. the way you describe it, we're going to eat very well. I mean, I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Just you and I. But also, we're humans. We're animals, right? Like, we need to move and think and talk and blah, blah, blah. This is, it's too much. It's too much. Yeah. It's making people nuts. It just is. Well, I think it's making people mentally. I do. I think it's making people mental. Oh, yeah. Oh, 100%. I do. I mean, I do things now where I like brick my phone. Well, the rest of it is a device called the brick where you can turn off a bunch of apps so that in order to go turn them back on, it's called the brick, but you, and I use that all the time now.

53:48Do you have an email on your phone? I do. Take it off. It's too late. Oh, no, you can take it off. No, I never, I can't imagine having an email on my phone. It's so like, that's asinine to me. What about, and you're killing text too. No text. If I knew how to get rid of text, I would, I don't know how to get rid of it. we're in a time of over communication, right? So my brother, he says on a podcast, my brother, well, exactly. But my brother's like texting me over Christmas. Got those paper towels. I don't need you to text me that you got them. I don't need that update. It's insanity. You know, I have nasty too, is that someone will text you like, how's it going?

54:27And if you don't text them, it's the person who maybe 20 minutes went by and they're like, what the fuck you alive? like I was it was three in the morning what's going on because they're so used to getting an immediate dopamine hit yes that they forget they're talking to someone who isn't walking around looking at their phone all the time I see so I get a lot of my texts are did you die or something and it's like well no I mean I see teenagers on planes and the mental illness that they're doing with their faces like changing it at first three hours staring at a phone yeah you know you're supposed to be bored you're supposed to be it's good to the brain well it's actually and really good I remember saying this when my kids were little we got to keep the boring parts because I remember when I was I would get so bored when I was a kid and that's when my you know we weren't allowed to watch tv if there was school the next day which meant most of the week we had none of this technology and that's when my mind started to do weird things and that's how I make my living now.

55:33So you got to... God, I thought this was going to turn into a masturbation story. I think we all did. That's what... I just took the air out of the room. That's... The story's not done. That's what I was... You cut me off. You're right. I wish somebody had. Yeah. That is what I was getting to. My mind started doing weird things. Yeah. And my hand. Yeah. Come on. And then I said, and that's how I make my living. And then I became a writer. I became a professional masturbator at the circus. What is it? Yeah. Would you say anything? No, nothing. Did you just accuse me of murder? No. No. I was going to say, is there a comp?

56:15Is there? I don't know. Never mind. I don't want it to be in there. Is there a masturbator at the circus? Like, no. Is there a masturbation competition? I bet there is. I hope so. Eduardo? I bet there is. I'm not looking this one up. No, he just meant Eduardo. He didn't even know you had a computer. What's going on this weekend? We get in the valley. Let's just say Eduardo is very skilled. It is so lovely to talk to you and you really are a remarkable individual. I wish we could all be more like you. And I really mean that. So you got my text? I just read exactly what you wrote. Thank you very much.

56:57I read exactly what you texted me. Thank you for putting that in there. And a great lover. What the fuck is this? You misspelled lover. Yeah, two Vs always. I love, I've been, I checked out, this is a gardening show. I really like it. I especially love when you incorporate kids in it and you're talking to them. It's the easiest thing. I know, but you're so funny doing it. So fun to do. And also you're in a series, The Audacity, which is getting raves. So congrats to you. That's on AMC. And you, I mean, anytime you're in town, you want to come by and talk to us about anything. Tomorrow's not good for me.

57:35Okay. The next day. No, I'm here Saturday. Starting in six years from now. Oh, okay. That's what I meant. Did you end up going to Greece for your, no, we haven't gone to Greece yet for the travel show, but I do want to go there. It's the best. Would you go with me if I went? I would love, I'd pay for half of it. Love to go, but I might take my gardening show there. Okay. Next time. But if you do go, please call me. Cause I can point you in, like I have first cousins that are still there so I can point, they can help you. You should check out the Parthenon. Thanks a lot. No, they were going to take you to the hard rock in Athens.

58:11And I just blew it. I hope there's not a hard rock cafe in Athens. You know there is. There's better, I don't think. No, the Greeks has to be. The Greeks are not, they're not, they're not capitalists that way. Good, good, good. They're not. Good. They actually, during the European Union, they got really, really, they got really hurt. Yeah, yeah. By Northern Europe. I've never been to Greece in my life and I would love to go there it's the best they know how to live they know how to live and so do you that's right and so do you Zach Galifianakis thank you for being here I treasure you I really do those aren't cheap could you put it back no I'll put there's a you just grabbed one of our by the way I was asking there's a comment box here right we took it down just for you okay well we'll put it back the minute you're gone I'll take it to Twitter

59:03Well, Father's Day is coming up. Hint, hint. June 21st. We're not your children. What? My children are not getting me anything. So it's up to you guys to get me Father's Day. They have never bought into Father's Day, but you guys are going to. You're my employees and you have to. Well, guess what? Luckily, Macy's has a wide range of options, the expertise to help you find the perfect gift. Macy's is the answer for Father's Day. David, as my sort of surrogate son. Okay, aw, that's nice. The son that I hired to buy me things. I hope that you're prepared for this Father's Day and I hope you've consulted Macy's.

59:46Oh, I sure, I have done both of those things. First. Oh, there you go. You love a pun. We got you a shirt that says The Grill Father. I love that shirt because you know what? I love the Godfather movies and I love grilling. and they've combined them with the grill father. And are you ready to combine it even more? Let's see the next gift. Ooh. A ninja indoor grill. That's just something that looks really good. It does. And then, you know, sometimes when you're grilling, you know, you might want to get rid of that scent, that smell. So we got you some Dior cologne. Oh, is that Sauvage? It's Sauvage.

1:00:16Oh, my God. I love Sauvage. And I love that it does mask the scent of charred meat really well. Yeah. So happy Father's Day from us and Macy's. You know what? I want to say thank you. Those are cool gifts. I love it. Check out Macy's online gift guide for more ideas at macy's.com slash gift guide. When you're on a GLP-1, you often experience a smaller appetite. That means for GLP-1 users, every bite of food should be as nutritious and delicious as possible. And that's where Sprouts Farmer's Market comes in. I knew they'd come in somewhere, and I guess now's where they come in. From nutrient-dense foods to proteins to supplements that help sustain muscle mass and energy levels, Sprouts has you covered.

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1:01:16Okay, look, there's some bad blood out here. We have to take care of this. Yes. I brought up, Sona, that I do a lot of favors for you. I mean, I do a lot of favors for everybody, but you get more than your share. Oh, my God. Let's revisit this topic, okay? Ugh, okay. Sona, you know I love you. I adore you. You're the best. But you're just this bloodsucker that's draining me dry. You are awful. You're awful. You're awful. Are we getting content or not? We are. But you know what? every clueless gamer, do you take that game home with you? Ooh. I would say no, actually. It might be only like half the time.

1:01:58Yeah, 85%. 85 % of the time when you do a clueless gamer for a cool game, you get the game. How is he a favor? Because you get some benefit out of it that's not direct. That's what I'm saying. We all get a lot of fun stuff from this job. All I'm going to say is, he does a lot of favors for you, but you do the greatest but you, but you, but you, but But you do the greatest favor for him. You make him cool. Oh. That's the greatest favor you're doing for him. I don't know. Am I doing that? You do. You do. Yeah. I think, no, people do get excited. You're a cool person. And you, you know, me, yes. I guess I'm cool in that I pop a leave every now and then.

1:02:38I always drink a lot of water with it. You got to make sure you flush out the system. That's a recommendation that's on the bottle. But. Oh, wow. No, but I mean, between my Aleve use and your coolness factor, I think we make a good duo. I don't think they're favors. I think you are paying me back. What? Oh. Yeah. For all the things I've done. So that means I don't have to pay you financially. No, you should still do that. Okay. But I also, I don't know, for something. You know what? I don't resent these favors for you. I like doing it. And I will say, look, I needed a segment, so I came out swinging.

1:03:13Yes. And it worked because you got really mad. And also, is there some truth in it? Probably. Because in most of my bits, there's a little bit of truth. This is my nightmare. And I do a lot of favors for people. You do. We have to do a favor for Sona today, for instance, at the end of this. Oh, is that true? Yeah. What's happening today? We have to. I don't want to rat it out. No, no, we get to. That's right. We get to do a favor for Sona today. You know that I like doing things for the Armenian community. You know I like doing that. They're the ones. You took me to Armenia in 2015. I tried to leave you there.

1:03:42You know, that was the plan. The plan was to leave you there. And then I was like, shut the door, shut the door. And the pilot didn't shut the door fast enough. And you squirted into the plane. And you were like, we're headed back. But the plan was to leave you there. Well, thank you for doing that. But you shone a light on my beautiful homeland. And since then, you've been kind of an honorary Armenian. They're very excited. You know what? I will say Armenian people are always very happy to see me. Yes. And they say, and I say, and then they say, and we have like a nice thing going. Yeah. So that's always nice.

1:04:16Yeah. I meet a lot of them in steam rooms. I don't know what that's all about. Several times I've been in a sauna or a steam room and the naked men in there have been Armenian and we have a nice chat about Armenia. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. That's a nice. See, that's the thing. If you hadn't taken me to Armenia, I don't think you would have been getting as many asks. And I filter a lot. But there are some that I. And we're doing one today, which is important. We're doing one today. And it's because it's an important event. What is it? It's the Armenian Heritage Walk Gala in Philadelphia, and I'm emceeing it.

1:04:46How do you emcee a gala? Oh, you're going to... I'm going to Philadelphia. Oh, I see. There's a benefit, and you're going to be up there saying, all right, our next auction item or that kind of thing? No, no. It's going to be like honoring people who help them do it. It's this permanent installation by the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Do you have jokes written? I'm not you. I don't... Well, we know that, but I mean, what about... The bar's really low for me. No, but you've got to have some material. You can't, you can't emcee a gala and not have material. That's true. What kind of jokes do they like?

1:05:15I haven't, I haven't written anything yet. When is it? Soon, right? It's like really soon. Okay. You have to write material. Maybe I would help you. Another favor. But let's. You can't offer to do something and then say you're doing me a favor. I can say yes to things and then resent them because that is my true hobby. That you are to that. I say yes to stuff and then I resent it. Um, you know, we got to think of some jokes, you know, about. I have some. Like what? About pomegranates? And what is it about? I don't want to tell you. I'm nervous. Let's hear it. I think, well, one of the honorees.

1:05:47No, this is stupid. I can't do it. Come on. Yes. No, we know. We have to now. This is a judgment-free zone. We have to. One of the honorees is an Armenian man who's an astronaut. And so I'm going to say, you know, within the last six months, we've had one of the greatest moments in space when Katy Perry went up for 10 minutes. That's a good joke. It's a misdirect. That's a good joke. It's a misdirect. That's a good joke. Because everyone's going to think I'm talking about Artemis, too. Are you explaining to me how a misdirect works? Yes. This is what comedy is, Conan O 'Brien. No, but you know what?

1:06:17I think that's a funny joke. Okay. You know what's another good joke? I-A-N is added to every Armenian name, right? Yeah. So you could say there's some other great celebrities who are Armenian. Katy Perry-ian. You know, Tom Cruise-ian. John Travolta-ian. Yeah, okay. You know what I mean? I mean, this is a good Sabrina Carpenterian. I mean, you know, you could go into that whole thing. Okay. And you could list a whole bunch of celebrities' real names before they shortened them. You know what I'm saying? Okay. I like that. Conan O 'Brienian. Not so good. It didn't roll off the tongue. And also, there's already a lot going on with your last name.

1:06:58And you do jokes about some of the other, the true famous, like Dr. Kevorkian, who's Armenian. Well, there's six honorees, so I'm coming up with bits for each one. Hey, I'm going to kill it at this Armenian gala even more than your previous host, Dr. Kvorkian. Oh, God. Right? Oh, God. Yeah. Cone in. That's a good joke. He killed people. I know. Okay. I know. Yeah. He's the pride of the Armenian people. Don't say that. Did he drive around in a van and do it? I forget how he did it. You know what? Nowadays, euthanasia is not looked at as poorly as it was before. He was a pioneer. Well, his name was Dr.

1:07:34Death and he drove around in a van. But yeah, you're right. He was a pioneer. No, ending people's lives is all cool now. They wanted to end them. They were all, weren't they all terminally ill? All right. You're taking us down a dark road. I'm a Kevorkian apologist. I just think I'm going to kill it up here. I'm going to be Armenian host who kills it the fastest since Dr. Kevorkian. That's funny. That's a good joke. Oh, God. And then you say, by the way, other, you know, famous. And then it's Dr. Perry. You know what I mean? You know. The singer Sia. Sia Sien. Sia Sien. There's a good one. I mean, we're coming up with good material right here.

1:08:07You're going to kill at this thing. I know. Oh, I could come out as a character. What? Yes, I could be a character. I could come out like as an old Armenian lady and then, you know, and I do a character. That won't be offensive at all. No, it's not going to be at all. Can I hear your old Armenian lady? Oh, hello. It's nice to be here. I dried the apricots and flattened them and now we're eating them. I knew it was going to be a dry fruit thing. No, but whatever. It would kill. Yeah. And guess what? I'm going to fly out. I'm going to write this material and I'm going to do this on the, on the gala.

1:08:36And then I'm really going to resent you. Those who are given much are expected to give much. It's clear that I've been gifted with some divine powers. And so I must spend my time on this earth doing favors for Stonium Obsession. I think that's the rule here, but you know, I love you. You know, I care about you. Do you? As a bit, I do. Oh, that's nice. Well, thank you. I love you too as a bit. Love you as a bit. Bye. Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O 'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes.

1:09:21Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. me.

1:09:27Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.

1:10:03And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O 'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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