Best of Creep Cast 2025 | CreepCast

21:03This is the Instead of a name It's just this image on the slip What am I What am I supposed to do with this Oh man Look at you got turned You got turned That's what she looks like

21:25I'm so sleepy. I am too, God. This is going to be completely insufferable to everyone watching. I know. I'm sorry. Just randomly Turk. We're getting a lot of Turk today, dude. It's a Turk on the day. Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Turk.

21:53She doesn't speak. She doesn't speak human language. She speaks turtle.

22:03You're not fucking flirting around and fucking Jebediah on the side. It's like you're waiting for your slip is what I would assume. Right. Right. Because it's also like, oh, I don't want to date you. I have to. I need my slip to know who it is. Also, if you're older than 18, you would know who your soulmate is. So maybe I don't know if you're a dirty leg. You could be a dirty leg or dirty dick and try to like just be fucking around. Maybe. but I don't know. I don't know why you'd be dating in the thought that it was going to be successful. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't track. I mean, you know, maybe they,

22:43this gorgeous woman. I'm like, yeah. I mean, we can fool around, but you're no Turk. You're no Turk. So let's get that straight. I'm saving myself for Turk. I love Ternk. Okay. Anyway.

23:01Okay.

23:05I woke up the next morning. Mr. Hunter Brownie. I would take Ternk's last name.

23:17Mr. Hunter Ternk. Mr. Hunter Ternk Brownie. Wow. There's a ring to it, doesn't it?

23:30I woke up. I woke up the next morning, my arm groping for my alarm to turn it off. Just like any other day. It wasn't until I can't read because that picture is out of my peripheral. You need to fucking minimize. Okay, it's gone. It's gone. We're good. We're good. What'd you do last weekend, Hunter? Well, I went down to Victoria's Secret and got Turk some bras and panties, trying to spice it up in the bedroom. I like how the joke is just normal wife interactions, but the name is Turk. Oh, yeah. Because I mean, like, well, we wanted to bite you and Turk over for a barbecue tomorrow. You're like, oh, no.

24:16Actually, at this point, too, I did say that she spoke turtle. so she is an anomaly and she is that profile picture face so she is like a bit of a monster but she's the love of my life so please don't fucking talk ill of her of course I would never miss your brownie thank you going down the courthouse and changing my name today we're all pretty excited about it okay alright Paul's hot man we should go claim a spot by the river before it gets too crowded Joseph was saying to which my other friends nodded in agreement. The river he was referring to was the biggest in the city, almost cutting it in half.

24:56It was a popular hangout spot and my friends and I had been going there for ages. But now my throat fell tight and my friends had turned 18 yet. I had an extra year of preschool when I was a kid. They didn't know the new rules. Something funny. It's just funny to justify that. None of them are 18 and that's just because I had an extra year of preschool for a deal so it's not weird that I'm older. It's just they're just by younger friends. That doesn't make me weird or different or anything like that. It's normal. Avery is the love of my life. And it's perfectly normal for someone to want to speak like this.

25:33When you were talking, it became Ben Shapiro in my mind.

25:41The relationship I have with Trunk or not Trunk, what was it? Terk. Terk. My beautiful baby's name is Ternk. Ternk Brownie. She is the love of my life, and I will not hear anything else of it. I was hoping that if I got the ball rolling, you would pick up with the bitch of your turn. Thank you. I'm not sure if it was just my imagination, but did Avery look slightly crestfallen? What a crazy word to pull out. It must have been, because the next second, the look disappeared and he gave me another small smile pleasure to meet you charles it looks like he's not my beloved theodore i wish your name was teddy that's okay say you haven't seen a tank around here have you i saw i thought your name might have been tank that's okay my name's Ternk, Ternk Brownie oh my I've been waiting for you my whole life

26:52you know what what if this story does a thing though where there's multiple Avery's, you ever think about that? yeah like a girl shows up named Avery bisexual crisis dang it I kind of like both of them What if we all just kind of made this work? We're poly. Yeah. This world is a polyamorous hell. That's what it is. Well, yeah, Portland. Wonderful. What's your name, dear? Jane Richardson. Okay, Miss Richardson. You go down the hall. Second door on the right. Do I have to sign any papers or anything? Nope. Oh, thank God. Why? I didn't want to do that. Oh, God, that was a huge load off. Okay. Jane replied laughing heartily.

27:46The receptionist laughed along with Jane.

27:54I would hate to get to sign papers or something. That face you just met was the scariest thing I've seen all day. That would be weird.

28:10that's them both laughing together sorry the frog broke something in you i've been broke all week okay i have your cash ready for you when you get done honey receptionist said smiling jane did indeed have healthy clean blood

28:32that's it's funny because now when you're a kid and you figure out about blood banks and stuff like that you're like oh that's kind of neat it's like an 11 or 12 year old wrote this like that day i'm almost certainly i'm almost 100 positive this was written by like a 20 year old woman is how i see it i do have healthy clean bud just dreams like a teenage girl killer.

29:02Okay. That's him laughing together. We've got to wrap up this recording. I can't do this anymore. His mind was running three tracks above mine, so I didn't know what I was getting into when I said, okay, I'll try to ruin your life, but I dare you to try and ruin my life as well. He smiled with a newfound enthusiasm. And I smiled back. This has to lead to gay sex. Does it not? Am I high? Am I high? I feel like this doesn't... Go ahead. I'm having fun. So this would be the... That would be the more normal response. Like just... Like setting a soul being like, why don't you ruin my life? Why don't you come over here and mess this all up?

29:51What's I'm saying is, would you consider ruining someone's life if you had a prolapsed asshole? Like some red cabbage? Okay, okay, all right. That would be ruining someone. Oh my God, what did you say? What? What? Red cabbage? What are you doing? What is that? Come on, man. Awful, my God. Little monkey brain popping out between your cheeks. Shut up! Come on, man. Come on! We're all adults here. I'm just saying that I've seen many, many a prolapsed asshole, and I feel like that would ruin my life. Have a little jellyfish pop out and kiss my Hanes underwear. I don't know if that would consider that ruining my life, but that would be a good start.

30:34Oh, gosh, that hurts. What did you... Okay, as soon as you said that, I threw the headphones off after anything you've said since. I didn't. I don't want to hear whatever you said since. All right. Just. Oh, gosh, dude. That's. That would be. That would be a great way to. You're a life. I have to sit on a ring. One of those little cushions. Stop. Stop. Talk. Stop. Talk. Stop. Talk. Stop. Talk. Please. I'm begging you. Okay.

31:08That. Oh, you get. You literally get like unlocked or repressed memory for me when you said that. What? What? Not of that happening to me. Of something I read one time. Oh my gosh. Sure, buddy. All right. I thought it was just a good way to reiterate the ruin. It started to ruin someone's life. Can we go back to the story now? The episode started off like any other episode, but had very poor quality animation. If you've seen the original animation for some enchanted evening, it was similar, but less stable. The first act was fairly normal, but the way the characters acted was a little off. Homer seemed angrier.

31:48Bart seemed depressed. Lisa seemed anxious. Bart seemed to have genuine anger and hatred for his parents. Homer seemed more angry. He strangles his son every episode. He's even more angry. He's even more angry now. Hunter, I need you to take this seriously. Sorry. You're reading history right now. That is true. It's like reading the Declaration of Independence and like giggling. Yes. This is like scrolling through the Codex Graphica. like there's a reference here stand upright actually one second i'm getting ready to have diarrhea one second is that real a hunter just texted me so much i had a bad tamale yesterday and it's been buckets of liquid ever since must have been a big tamale i think rotten peppers maybe because it's finding me on its way back out had to get chapstick

32:50gosh he's disgusting feels like buffalo wild wings blazing challenge getting so many play-by-plays he keeps next to me details of how it's going i'm tearing up thinking about it oh that's really cool dude okay sorry about that no you're good man okay the episode was about the simpsons going on a plane trip near the end of the first act the plane was ticking off bart was fooling around as you'd expect however as the plane was about 50 feet off the ground bart broke a window on the plane and was sucked out

33:36something funny hunter it's just that's just funny i like the idea of like it's about 50 feet off the ground he just broke bark broke a window he just like punched out a fucking window and got sucked the pressure difference wouldn't be enough at 50 feet you would just 50 feet is like a broken So close to the ground. Yeah. Yeah. Planes are at 50 feet above ground for like a millisecond. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're going fast, but I don't think you would just get immediately sucked out of the window. The Beatles cartoon last episode. Yeah. Who's your favorite beetle? Um, Ringo. Cause he was just the goofiest about stuff.

34:20Like the song Maxwell silver hammer, all of them hated it. And when they asked Ringo, he was like, I thought it was kind of nice. I enjoyed it me thinks that it was actually caught as a good diddle no not Ringo what was the fourth one not Paul or John George George the one I'm thinking of George is cool no one likes Ringo the most George was like the one that was just unsung hero George the main man

34:50who's your least favorite beetle John of course easy yep john i like the little the the fucking beaver tooth bastard paul mccartney quite a bit me wants to hold your hand me wants to hold your hand he was a good counter to john to my understanding because john was like no we've got it we've got to change the world we got to be different and then paul would be like no that's a dumb idea i don't like that idea uh you know the Beatles it's one of those things when people are like the Beatles are lame it's like it's impossible to not like at least I mean it's like it's like anything else like being like oh Elvis was he didn't do anything or like he was lame it's like I really like that one that new editor that keeps saying the meme where it's like songs you didn't realize Elvis wrote and it's like jump off the house jump off the house and he goes well it's Rick and Morty time the theme song have you seen that yeah it's a good one there was one night where uh caitlin and i were driving home and i was really tired and uh she was just flipping through songs and that elvis song came on i can't even remember which one what the title of it is but in the beginning like i heard the music and i go is this the song where he says i'm caught in a trap and as soon as i got done saying that he goes i can't walk out because i love you too much baby So why can't you see what you're doing to me?

36:27And you don't believe what I say. We can go on together with suspicious minds. And we can live our dreams with suspicious love. to my old friend I know. You know what's wrong? I like that. He's like, We're lost in a cloud with too much rain. We're trapped in a world that's doggled with pain. And as long as a man has the strength to dream, he can redeem his soul and fly.

37:18Go ahead, Fancy. Deep in my heart, there's a trembling, but I am sure that the answer, answer's gonna come somehow. Out there in the dark, there's a beckoning candle, oh yeah. And while I can think, while I can talk, while I can stand, while I can walk, while I can dream, so please let my dream come true, oh, right now. he wrote that because uh they discontinued yoohoo just kidding it was martin luther king died probably shouldn't put that in there

38:19the Beatles

38:26I don't even know our last story Beatles lost cartoon episode oh also I want to start this off too by saying just to get a general consensus of what people think about I sent Isaiah this message before I sent Isaiah this message and he said, hey, are you good to record now? Or when are you good to record? I said, I'm golden right meow, which I thought was really cute because instead of now, I put meow. And now he's been giving me shit because I sent him a voice memo kind of explaining that joke. And I was just saying, do you want to play it over your phone, Isaiah? Instead of right now, I put right meow like a cat.

39:08Meow. Meow. Meow.

39:14Meow. Meow.

39:20I'm purring because I'm happy. Meow. Meow. Meow. I'm a good little pussy.

39:39i thought that uh i just thought that that was a fine i don't know i just i guess you know when you send your friend something it's met with such an abrasive reaction i just thought it was you know i don't know you know i guess am i the bad guy for sending that message i guess is what i want to know out of uh our audience here but without further ado i'm ready to dive in and hear about this spooky astronaut

40:08be sure to keep liking and supporting us on Spotify oh true see now you're being a cute little kitty now you're being a good little kitty by saying that because also be sure to check us out on Spotify it's almost like it knows he's in there it's like trying to like shake him out almost like the way you would with like, there's like a bug and like something you're like, you know, like try to tear, like shake, physically shake him out of the house. Like a cat in a box. Yeah. Like a cat in a box. Yeah. I couldn't see anything. Is that a normal expression? I was just going to roll with it. Shaking a cat.

40:47Shaking a cat in a box. I don't know what you Missouri people do. I was going to let that one slide. You know, when you put your cat in a box, you shake it out. You got to shake him real hard. You got to shake the cat out of the box. That has been coined. then that's, I want everyone to refer to that as it's, as if it's very, very normal. You got to get the cat out of the box. Classic scenario. Shake it out. Oh, cat out of the bag. That's the, that's the phrase. Yeah. We're going to, we're going to update it though. It needs to evolve into a box. Cats in a box. All right, there you go. How do I not get the cat out of a bag?

41:17It's such a normal expression. Well, no, the, the expression is now the cat's out of the bag. Yeah. Now the cat's out of the bag. Now the cat's out of the box. It's not, it's not flying. It's hard to get the cat out of the bag. I would say when the cat gets out, there's a box one makes it refer to why do we put the cat in the box in the first place? Schrodinger's cat. That's Schrodinger. That's different. And when he was done with it, he was like, do you want the cheese? Is that that experiment? No. Does he give him cheese? No. What do you think Schrodinger's cat is? He's like, if you eat this cheese, you'll get out of the box.

41:57is that not it what is what is schrodinger's cat am i saying his name right schrodinger schrodinger it's a thought what if you get this cheese you can get out of the box i thought he was just tempted with cheese is he not is there cheese is there is there cheese involved at all in schrodinger there's no cheese the idea of schrodinger's cat is that if a cat is placed into a box that cannot be observed. And in an experiment, the cat is killed. Why was the reason the cat was killed again? So where does the cheese come involved then? There's no cheese. There's literally no cheese. There's no cheese at all.

42:33I mean, maybe they put poison in the cheese, but I have no memory of cheese. Is it poisonous cheese? Is that where the cheese is? I don't think there's cheese. Is there legitimately no cheese in this? I don't think there's any cheese involved. I swear to God in my life, I've talked about it. I'm like, I've definitely been like, yeah, you put the cat in the box. I was like, the cheese. And people were like, yeah. I think people are like, sure. Whatever. I legitimately, I'm so shell-shocked there's no cheese. If there is cheese, it is such a minimal part of the experiment. I legitimately thought that it was a guy being like, you will get cheese if you get out of the box.

43:05It's about killing a cat. And that in statistic-like odds, the cat is equally dead and alive until observed. The whole point it gets used is that in experiments, the result is two things until observed is one thing. effectively it applies to like quantum physics yeah a result is two things until known is one no cheese at all there's no cheese in the experiment no june 2nd after two days has passed he says to take my mind off of what is outside i dug deeper into the piles of books and paper scattered around the house and i found something intriguing to which he has a picture of a folder that he found says there's a series of photos of the mysterious notebook um so he has three photos in total from the notebook.

43:51I regret my decision to stay. It has gotten incredibly lonely. And I have come to terms with it. In fact, that I may never see Martha or my grandkids again.

44:05This is an old man's writing. Look at his writing. This is how an old man writes. I pray to God that they at the very least are safer than I am. I have no real caution or regard for my own life anymore I can only hope that what I gather from my near suicidal experiments can be useful to someone else at a later date I either die and be at peace or get more information both outcomes sound favorable and what I love, what I absolutely love about this there is so much room still left on the lined paper and he wrote on the back of it You can already tell he wrote on the back of it. You know what's really good about this?

44:51This would be the best thing we ever read. If the next page starts, it's like, I found a cat and a piece of cheese. I would, I just, I bet we were done. I'm literally done reading. So it wasn't pretty like, explain to me. I know he's doing that to build up tension, but it's like Tucker would tell him like, oh, he exploded or whatever. Or even saying something like, there's actually no way I can describe it. They died. He's like, he's became into a pulp. Yeah. It's hard to even describe. He got condensed into the size of a tangerine. You can give a little bit while still, but yeah, it wasn't pretty.

45:28Yeah. Okay. What does that mean, Tucker? Yeah, I'm going to the West Coast. Thanks, Tucker. That's really a joke. I stopped by a couple of grocery stores, got some red silver cups and cans, and we're making our way out there. They were almost out. Before I die, I want to hit the biggest wave. you surf too just starts like a weird bromance about surfing we gotta hit one yeah we have to go down to Hawaii hit the maluku maka maka what movie is that where it's like we gotta hit the wave or whatever it's Keanu Reeves point break yeah gotta hit that wave almost a chicken run chicken little but that's but it's because I was thinking of what's the fucking penguin movie where he surfs and there's like a chicken and Napoleon Dynamite voices the chicken right that's that surfs up that surfs up okay little i'm saying i'm thinking of the fucking chicken i want surfs up i also want to fact check immediately on the schrodinger's cat thing that there was no cheese i want to fact check somehow someone can someone please look put in the end i'm just saying i want justice on that okay but we're leaving this in regardless of what the Okay, well, that's fine.

46:37Chicken Little and Surf's Up. Kind of similar. Also, Chicken Little's on my mind because I think that's an alien invasion movie. The sky's falling, yeah, and it turns out it's aliens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, my mind works in pretty interesting ways. Alina stopped my hand. Do your parents ever come up here? She whispered. No, we're alone. Actually, would you mind if we just watch this? I haven't seen it before. Oh, no, that's cool.

47:12Destroyed. Decimated. Fatality. Fatality. The war room right now losing their man's like, get him out of there. Run, run! Evac, evac. That's why if you're ever trying to do a little Netflix and chill, always put on a World War II documentary. every time no interest in watching that shit i'm telling you that was actually so that was my move um it was to put on a war movie or an action film that i knew for you can't put on hamburger hill no no no you gotta be subtle no no no no no no nothing that's like she looks up and she sees a man holding his guts crying for his mom nothing that intense mom mom yeah yeah nothing that or nothing too loud either what the trick is you got to turn on a movie that you're like oh it's great people talk about all the time it's it's a classic but you know she's not going to care for it like like a taken or like trying to think of old war or like band of brothers or something right right like it's good and she's heard of it but she's going to lose interest and she is going to be looking for anything else to do.

48:28So I had to be like, well, I guess if you don't want to watch the movie, I guess you heard it here first, ladies. Okay, what was your move? What did you do? I put on Green Mile.

48:46The first time I was ever intimate with a woman. I'm not going to go into the gravity detail. Are you serious? The first time I was ever intimate with a woman, it was when John Coffey was getting electrocuted.

49:02so you're saying first time you ever like had a moment just over the shoulder it's like I'm tired boss it was literally keep the can you keep the lights on I'm afraid of the dark the thing where he's being executed so now I have a very I have a very odd relationship with that movie

49:27dude it's cool it's cool so actually um since you disclosed that one of my first not like first kiss levels but like one of the first intimate times i remember was uh children of the corn was on okay little children of the court action damien in the background i don't like grown-ups yeah so it's very similarly i have very mixed feelings about that film sure now like because i remember being like super engaged in one thing and then like it catches my attention for a second it's like a kid screaming through town it's like okay well maybe i'll just turn away from that

50:09that's funny we looked over this because there was other stuff going on didn't but that argument they were having where um she was like i would never tell him so she was going to live with Kyle forever and never tell him that they were half siblings. Like, just live out their life together. Kyle would probably figure that out. So I pose this question to you, Hunter. Right now, you found out you're an Allison or half-brother and sister. Let the good times roll. Did you tell her? Hell no. Hell no. And you just would not... I feel like also, I mean, don't get me wrong, it's disgusting, but I feel like people would be like, I'm going, that I cannot live with myself for what I've done.

50:49Like, that's so... It's literally an Oedipus moment. Yeah. Not as intense as a mother, I don't think. Yeah, like she's going to gouge out her eyes and throw herself off a mountain or something like that. Yeah, like the, oh, no, like the... Bummer, we're siblings. Yeah. That'd be rough. I don't... Is it messed up to say I don't think I'd tell Kayla? It'd be a difficult subject. It's weird. It's weird. I would rather have sex with my sister forever than have the uncomfortable conversation.

51:21We're taking our break now. Half. Half. Yeah, it's half. Come on. Wasn't until he was gone that I realized a trail of mud only led outside. Oh. What does that mean? He's flying. Oh, he flew in? Yeah, he's floating or maybe he came in as a bat. As a bat. That's right. That's right. Yeah. And he smelled the garlic bread and he did Oh god that's totally stinky Yucky Don't like that no more Put that away And then he just lunges at her With his teeth

52:06That night I could not sleep You know Said in a weak, hushed voice I don't Is my sister, is she like you? He nodded in a way that seemed he was Confused that I was even asking That's awesome Are you fucking dumb? Yeah Well I mean it's like I mean it's like yeah your sister Dies quote unquote and then she's there Every four years For like the past several decades It's pretty funny he's just like dude Are you serious? It's been like 30 years and she has not changed are you fucking dense oh my god is my sister like you guys bro are you fucking me right now because of the accent now it just sounds like one of those like slavic gangster types in the does that kind of that kind of tracks like a sylvanian kind of vampire family right yeah I guess it would be too weird if they chain smoking, like Russian cigarettes in a, yeah, the Didas that makes, that makes totally, that makes total sense to me.

53:21Well, no, they're, they, luckily I would agree with the Didas track suit, but they've said too many times that they're dressed up all fancy, which may be for Russian people. The Didas track suit is fancy. That could be the fit. That could be the three piece. God, it'd be so sick. If Dracula Didas tracks, He's just like, I seriously want to drink tons of blood right now. With the imported gold chains. Exactly. Imported gold chains. He's just like, exactly. I want to go to an EDM music festival immediately.

53:56It sounded like an echo without a voice to reflect. I could feel Graham's body tense and stiffen with the acceptance that what we heard was very real, not from our own imaginations.

54:16what have you brought me his nose for r2 down here i mean that's kind of the vibe right the old man okay i don't think it's the old man is what have you brought me if it's the old man you know what to have fun with it why not what have you brought me in my chamber of slumber no no now you're now you're ad-libbing that's not that's not the work of the net yeah yeah that's not in the story written on the page that's because i said that only attracts half and you're like no it doesn't if a woman's calling out in the woods and i clarified i'm not talking about a woman calling out in the woods. I'm talking about you make eye contact and you do the whole coyote like, oh no, and you like run for a second like Scooby Doo in place and then take off like pew and there's a little cloud of smoke.

55:10That's what I'm talking about. Not like a help, help me, help. Because if I'm in the woods and I just hear that, I am not. What do you mean you're not going to help? You're not going to help? Okay. Alright. Realistically, realistically, I am going to help, but we're not talking about a realistic scenario. We're talking about a realistic setup. yeah but no we're talking about a yes if i'm in the woods and i hear someone yelling help and i go look and it's just a voice that's kind of spatially calling out from somewhere no i would go look to make sure it's not someone that needs help i feel like you would look for someone to make sure it's not that needs help but if it's a if i get to a patch and i'm like the noise is coming from right here but there's no one here i'm leaving well sure but i'm saying that you You would, it would, because in my mind, at first it's kind of far away.

56:01And then the closer you get, the louder it gets to where it keeps luring you in of like, I'm close. I'm very close. But then by the time that you, but by the time that I figured you, you know, that it's not real. I feel like if the thing has gotten you is what I would assume. Right. Probably. By the time I realized I would probably be God. Right. Whereas I can tell you. If there's any levels of uncannyness, I agree. I mean, I would be like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. That doesn't make sense. Exactly. Exactly. Or if you see a woman, you got to get all the way up to it before you realize.

56:31Easy. See? Exactly. That's my point. No, no, no. Easy. 100 % too close. You're like, if I see a woman, I got to get all the way up to it. Hurricane Helene, baby. No, no, no, no. Not like that. No. Hurricane Helene. I didn't like that connection. And I tell you what, what's even more poignant is also if you see a slip and slide that you would be like, okay, well, obviously I'm doing this. but then there's no way to get off of it. See, that's the slip and slide effect too, is that you're like, we and you're like, okay, this is kind of going on too long. And now you're going to slip it. Slip it. Exactly.

57:02Too slippery. Can't move. No way of stopping. Go down a large slide in the woods. Sounds like a very like Pennywise. It scenario. It does. It's too childish, but I will say it would be effective for me. At least I'm a very dumb man. I'm curious. I feel like a lot. I legitimately actually believe that a lot of people would fall for the slip and slide. It would be too enticing. It would be uncanny, but I think that it's so comically like it's so almost like embedded with our youth that I feel like there would be like, I don't think that you would look at it with hostility for some reason to me, the stairs in the woods.

57:36I'm like, that's just creepy because it feels like something has been destroyed. It's like a loss of life around this, a full blown slip and slide with the arches of like the fountains going on it. I think that you would bypass your normal intuition and I think that you would participate. I think you would definitely. I can apply the exact same reasoning to a woman. Okay. All right. Hurricane Helene. We get it. I understand. I don't like the way you keep saying that in relation to this scenario. And obviously everything I'm saying is in respect to my wife, but I'm saying that's the easiest way to get a guy to walk into the woods with absolutely no like you could have said what's happening so that last thing with more of a fucking lie i've credited i'm saying it was all respect to my wife of course of course my wife yeah i wouldn't fall for it now because i'm a married man largest wink ever definitely with respect to my wife my wife i'm just saying hurricane helene i'm just i'm saying that i of course wouldn't fall for it because i'm a married man but if i was to trap a man that would be the way i trap it as i think that we can at least agree that there would be a lot of easy ways to actually lure humans to the woods honestly dude put a weird put a funny looking stick out there or like something looks strange i'm like i'm like what's that i gotta go get that.

59:06It's better if you did a thing. If you had a giant big pumpkin out there, there's a big pumpkin, but it's formed in a way that looks like it has a giant ass where it's kind of funny. It doesn't look like a big butt. It looks like a big butthole. You look up in it. Look at the butt. I think that would lure people in too. Then boom, it's too late now. You're in the pocket dimension. Good luck, idiot.

59:34that was a good way to burn up 10 minutes

59:42there there's a lot i need to i would like to watch bring her back again which you all should go see it when it comes out but pay full price pay full price pay what watch it chicken jackie

59:55don't do that how sick would it be though if Danny and Michael were able to start instead of like a chicken jockey train people like throwing popcorn people were taking like I don't know like their kids there and like sacrificing them in the theaters or something like there's a mass A24 is gonna watch this and they've got to sign off on it they're gonna be like just that 100 hand caught guy alright cinephiles what should the popcorn bucket be for bring her back Make sure E Pas you don't remove

1:00:31The silence has been so loud today it's just very very very loud we'll be landing in about an hour okay thank you after she left i checked the clock on my phone again 403 a.m blinked back at me it hadn't changed okay so hunter right now role play what do you do in this scenario you're the guy in the seat so wait can i start with the crying woman yeah sure so she's crying and then she comes up and says we'll be landing in about an hour who did this to you what's wrong who did this who did this i would get i'd make a big scene oh my god and i would say oh my god are you okay is it the pilot is it the pilot so you're you're immediately white knighting off the get-go anytime i can white knight isaiah i absolutely do I say oh my god who did this so then she responds and goes what are you talking about sir I'm fine and I say don't fucking play hey hey don't play coy with me alright you're sitting there crying like a babbling brook in my head you're grabbing her face like you grabbed her cheeks no no no I don't do that but I say hey hey sorry I don't mean to raise my voice but I say you are obviously a woman in distress and i need to know how i can help let me help you and i say and i say it again i'm like don't make me fucking ask it again it's in the fucking pilot because it's the pilot you let me know and i will go in there and i will wreak hell is what i would say i'm gonna you're like you know i'm gonna take over this plane this is a hijacking now i actually i've done flight simulator since i was 13 years old i can land this bird so easily okay tasha yeah tasha you have a beautiful name it's a beautiful name wasn't a pilot wasn't a pilot is what i keep saying like that and there'd be a guy next to me looking at me he's like can i get a water and i'm like no stop it i'm like no you don't have to you don't have to take orders from these animals well if there's a woman asking for a water what would you say honestly sweetheart i appreciate you trying to keep you stay hydrated and stay mentally focused for this flight but i need you to just give me and Tasha five minutes.

1:02:51Could you do that for me? Because if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you respect women. Oh, God. More than anything. Up and down, all over. And I would hand her my pillow because, you know, they gave you the little in-flight pillow. Of course. I'd be like, I'd say, please, and honestly, and Tasha, this isn't against you because honestly, I know American Airlines, you didn't make the plane. I give the woman next to me, her name's Sabrina. Is she Sabrina? that's a beautiful name first off sabrina i just want to say it's a beautiful name right they take this pillow i'm just put it behind your neck because you're not going to get any lumbar support all right i want you to have a beautiful rest of sleep because you're a beautiful princess all right when i say tasha you tell me you you tell me right now if that dog-faced man the cockpit did this did you did he do this to you and that's how it handled the situation right you know it's funny because a lot of you guys probably think he's joking or playing it up.

1:03:48I've never been on a flight with Hunter where he's acted normally. There's always some bit. There's always something. Do you want to tell him about what you did on that flight to Tampa? What did I do on the flight to Tampa? Yeah. That one from Kansas city to Tampa. Do you remember that? I don't, I, I barely remember what happened yesterday. I don't remember. We were, this is when we were going to shoot the ghost hunting video we made with Charlie or most critical. I remember going to Tampa, but what did I do on the flight? Speaker 0 7, we were going there. He does. He had bought these like$20 crappy Amazon webcams to look like the old Zach Baggins, like ghost adventure stuff.

1:04:30So he decided to test them out on the plane by acting like he was in an abandoned building. So he's setting, He's sitting in the chair and he's got the camera like this close to his face. And he's like, guys, I don't, did you hear that guys, guys? And he's like panicking and like sweating. And in the background, you can just see rows of people. So someone shifts in their sleep. He's like, did you hear that? Did you guys hear that? And Nick's filming him too. and has an equally close camera up in his face. Tell them what, tell them what happened to the bathroom. Speaker 3 4 4 Yeah. I was gonna say the only thing I remember that you say that, cause I totally forgot we bought those cameras.

1:05:18The only thing I remember the bathroom is that I was recording myself in there and I was pretending that I was like doing a ghost thing. And then I stood up and then I just like, I pretty much just filled my shit in this, like a airplane toilet. And I just kept looking in the mirror is it's a whole, it It doesn't matter. You know what? I was being a little silly. Speaker 3 Speaker 3 He filled, he filled the toilet and he was like, and the way he had the crappy IR filter on. So everything was black and white and he's spinning around in the bathroom. Like guys, I don't know guys. I think there's a ghost in here.

1:05:52Spirits. Are you with us? And as he's spinning, you just pass the toilet. That's full. Just keeps there were four different went bathrooms on that trip. He did that. I don't know how he was ready to go. It every one we came across, I did forget we did have a, we did have a moment. There was a shit toilet in the ghost. Everything I totally forgot about that. Yeah. So I was, I must've been backed up for a while. I was holding in some demons. Everyone is about like there. This has to be the last one surely. I sure was always another i just remember because we were i felt bad i feel bad because i opened the door and there's nothing it's like kind of like whenever you're watching your dog take a shitty looks at you and you can just tell he's ashamed or whatever so i get out of the bathroom and just by like an an unforeseeable wind gusts this like horrid wretched smell out of the bathroom and the woman in the front row right by the bathroom just did good god

1:07:01I had to walk by her yeah he's like are you with us spirit speak to us say something sorry man sorry it's a bad I had some bad chipotle last night uh huh

1:07:38All right, so there you go. First video. Is something funny? Is this something hilarious to you? There's actually a couple. a couple things. I think it's kind of funny. I like how one it's like, okay, so the sun's gone. So he's like completely in darkness in his room, but the TV works. So it's like, God forbid you have a lamp on. So it's like, how do we get across if the sun is gone? Well, I'm in a completely dark room. And then all of a sudden you hear this, you hear this like ethereal deer outside of his door. And I was like, I just imagined them. I just imagined the sun like this. like poking out like he's an actual being.

1:08:21The sun's going to attack me. Hey, the sun vanished and he's right outside my window. I think he's looking at me. I think the sun's been watching me. All right, so basically, though, from the video. What I was going to say is I think it's a pretty cool inclusion to a Twitter ARG test. I'm not going to look at you. so what's the cool inclusion shut up pulling forward no linda it's okay she's not a little girl anymore that's her business listen baby girl we don't have to talk about if you don't want all that matters now is that you're home and you're safe funny enough uh by the way audience that's just what hunter sounds like when he's not recording videos baby girl that's exactly what It sounds like it's his Midwest accent coming out.

1:09:13Like when we're like recording, he's like talking in his normal, like, you know, kind of YouTube speak, just general American accent. And then the moment we get off, he's like, all right, are we looking to go to?

1:09:28Also, I will say it's kind of fucked up that every time I read baby girl, I hear the when you say it. You say you say baby girl a lot. I say baby girl a lot. Yeah, I do say baby girl a lot. don't i you do that and gamer i do does that bother you that i take gamer a lot i mean not really it's just that's just we're talking about words i do that a lot anytime i like start talking to her i'm like hey gamer what's up i got that my friend operator drew ski who's a youtuber says gamer all the time and i started taking that from him because he'll always call me gamer so i started calling everyone else gamer the baby girl i think was my own invention i always say sounds a good baby girl.

1:10:11That's very cute that when you hear baby girl, you think of me. That's so cute. The fan is going to love that. The editor is going to love that. Have you seen that? I love when a 30-year-old man calls me baby girl. That's great. I'm 25. All right. Let's round up. We can round up. If I round it up for you, it'd be like 78 for one. We don't have to. We're splitting hairs at this point, but it doesn't matter. Anytime me or you have a moment on the podcast where we say something slightly flirty or romantic. So someone will go post it on Reddit or TikTok and all the comments will say, do they know it's legal?

1:10:52Like, do they know they don't have to hide it? Like, that's what they're going to say to this clip. Well, I'm grossed out by it, but that's just me. That's good. Whatever you say, baby girl. With that, she raised the bell over her head and shook it. Small bell sounded like a thousand coursing church bells. I stared in awe, trying to make sense of it. Everyone else didn't really react as if they had expected this. Once the sound of bells deafened, she began to sing. None of the words sounded like English. So I went... Oh, I did. It's the fucking tongue saying, come back, I'm telling you. Mean techo gacho no gacho.

1:11:27That's not cool.

1:11:32Awesome. He's like, huh, it's kind of weird. After she hit the bell that sounded like a thousand church bells.

1:11:42I have in my hand, the bell of 1000.

1:11:49I love this song. I love this song of ours. And Harrison's just kind of like, it's kind of peculiar. That's a bit odd, but okay. It's a little strange. I get, Oh, she must be Polish. Oh, she's probably Polish. That's what it is. Probably Polish. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Yep. I'm tracking. None of the words sounded like English, so I wasn't able to understand it. I got up again, walking over to Graham. He met me halfway. What was that? It's a small ceremony done at the beginning of the camp. Amy loves music. She studied in college and has always had a passion for it, so she likes to implement it at some points during each session.

1:12:31Do you know what language she was singing in? I think Italian, but I could be wrong.

1:12:55they're speaking like dead laden like seven inch of beans and you got some old timer in the back like that's one of the italians i do believe pretty much the italians if i've ever heard That's what, that's what they sell. She must also be a Polish Polish Italian. That makes a lot of sense. She's a Polish spy. I'm pretty sure I, I'm not entirely, I would hate to, you know, throw it out there, but. Well, there was one time, uh, at church, this was a few years back. My grandmother's hearing got really bad. So you had to like yell at her to talk to her at any point. Sure. And we, we were in church one day and, uh, at the beginning of the pastor was like, uh, All right, let us bow our heads for prayer.

1:13:38And like everyone bows their head in the room goes quiet. And then you just hear my grandmother very loudly across the entire auditorium go. No, I believe the man was Italian. And like the pastor heard it and he was like, trying not to laugh, but also get through the prayer. And everyone was snickering. And at the same time, I wasn't sitting near my grandma, but someone must have like told her to shush or be quiet. And she goes, what? Just he's just Italian. he's just Italian he's just Italian I didn't say he was like awful or anything I'm just saying I believe the man was Italian yeah for God's sakes I could see his eyes widening and a smile growing his face he called out for my stepmother to come over to him when she did I was met with a loud cry of joy as she raced over to the door opening it pulling me into a vice grip hug man I wish I had one of those I haven't had one of those happen in a long time someone scream out of enjoyment that you're like showing up to their house.

1:14:36It only happened like it's happened like maybe twice in my life. And it was great every time that, that was such a sad for Lauren statement. Okay. In hindsight, I do, I do agree. It was pretty sad, but more so I just mean, in my mind, I was thinking about the last time someone actually looked, man, they do, Oh, and they come over and they hug you. I have it twice. I think both, I think, I think the way you literally both times too it was never my family so it was like a friend you're making it so much worse um the fact that you're just randomly out of the blue like man i miss that i miss when someone loved me like that would hug me that way no i was just joking around it happens all the time

1:15:27okay anyway do you think people in this universe though would be excited by a name, you know? They open it up and it's like, Jessica, wow. And there's some guy who's like, I wonder what mine is. He like packs, opens the envelope whatever and it says like jaundice. He's like, huh? Jaundice? Like the disease? Yeah, he doesn't know. He's looking for people with yellow eyes walking around. Is your name jaundice? Hello, very poor. Yeah, you're enjoying this, right? It just means that he's going to die of jaundice. Yeah, you will have no love. You're the only soulmate is death. And it's going to be jaundice.

1:16:12Yeah. Isn't jaundice just a yellowing of the skin? I don't think you can die from it. I thought it was like liver failure. Was it not? I think jaundice is the yellow skin that's a symptom of liver failure. I think I'm speaking to someone who acts like he knows. yeah it's the discoloration of body tissue resulting from the accumulation of billy rubin all right well i didn't care about all that but um the accumulation of billy you know what is it a bass player yes

1:16:45why are you yellow little i went to billy rubin's concert last night he stained me with the funk it's a Billy Rubens like a liver enzyme like it has to do it's in your blood right but you know what I like your answer better this guy's dying because there's tiny little bass players in his blood that's why it's married to John this.

1:17:18How are you making bass noises in a British accent?

1:17:26Okay. Also, this has got to, I mean, I know that we're, we're fucking three paragraphs in dad's about to check the fuck out. I mean, to be fair, we did kind of jump the story for no reason. It was just like, well, in all town, we're told. There's really no reason that we're even at it. It's British, right? You start messaging me obscene messages and you're like, boom. No, remember the reason I said, I think it's British is because a whack is like a term. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. The UK. Yeah. Should we just assume that's in England then? I think we're too far gone to assume. Otherwise they're going to get like a chapter in and be like, so as I was leaving Atlanta and we'll be like, oh, well, Atlanta, London.

1:18:15Yes. Atlanta, London. That's how sitting. That's how city. It's cobblestone streets and the best pastries in the world. Okay. We got to keep going. I'm slipping. Merely a curious young man in search of information. Besides, I thought at the time I could perhaps find another similar case if I put my mind and resources to it. Mary E. was the Psy-Op for Psy-Op.

1:18:47Not the Psy-Op. S-Y. Psy-S-Op is spelled P-S-Y-S-O-P. I mean, it looks like Psy-Op, but it's a Psy-S-Op. Is there a word? Is Psy-S-Op a word? I don't think so. No. S-Y-S-O-P? S-Y. Oh, is that a company? No, it says Mary E. was the Sysop for a small Chicago-based bulletin board system. Oh, Systemop. Oh. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Mary E. was the Sysop. Oh.

1:19:33Was that just the last straw? I just, it's just so much. Being berated and having him chime in. Oh, system operator. It's too late in the day. It's too late. For people that don't know, we're recording this at two in the morning.

1:19:55Carrie was one of those unlucky people that seemed significantly designed to be picked on. She was nearly six feet tall, quite overweight, crap at school, poor by the standards of my admittedly affluent town, and cursed with the head size of a large pumpkin. God damn, Carrie. Just roasting this girl left and right. I'd had classes with Carrie on and off for the last nine years. And before the hike, I doubt I'd spoken more than two words to her. although in fairness to me in middle school she had deepened her own isolation from most of the class by becoming intensely goth in the baby bat way of the late 90s teens okay hold on she's a six foot tall goth girl yeah alright hold on she's the woman of my dreams well hold on a second what's everyone being mean to Carrie about like scary Carrie what was overweight even mean in the 90s?

1:20:56Nothing. Nothing. Means nothing. There was a blonde girl on the hike. I think her name was Stephanie Foster that two hours earlier I found very cute and despite her whining, I was still thinking I might like to get to know her better before she let this gem slip. God, I just wanted to miss school. Why do we have to walk so much? I rolled my eyes but didn't say anything. Carrie, however, could not let it slide. What the hell did you think a hike was? All right, don't do that to Carrie. What the hell do you think a hike was? She's six foot tall overweight. What the hell do you think a hike was, sweet cheeks?

1:21:38No, no, no. See, now you're mocking me. Now you're mocking my people, my group. I need you to... What the hell did you think a hike was? That's closer. That's better. You're getting there. I need you to channel your best Margaret Qualley. I think that is Margaret quality. She's a six foot tall, overweight goth girl in the 90s. She's not Margaret. Overweight in the nineties means filled out. It means great. They had super size at McDonald's, dude. They were big, big old girls. All right. It could be a big old girl. You're right. You're right. Fair enough. You know what? What the hell did you think a hike was?

1:22:20Stephanie looked at her like Carrie was something. She'd scraped off the bottom of her boots. nobody's talking to you and nobody wants to fucking listen to you I still denounce your voice for Carrie but Carrie's special to me alright that's fine dude be stoked about it man I could have helped you Isaiah oh she's looking down at you kissing your forehead you're my little sweet pea that other than the voice you're doing that sounds lovely if obviously I've I'm a married man and my wife is the six foot tall golf in my life but in like high school me a million percent like yes I don't know what I don't know what you're making fun of this sounds perfectly reasonable I'm not giving her a voice that's that yes but there's a tone there there is a tone of bitterness don't let your insecurity get to me man all right that my insecurity definitely not yours assigning your insecurity for one like a big old girl It's a goth chick.

1:23:21Just fucking lay it out there, dude. That's all it has to be. Nobody wants to fucking listen to you. Scary rose to leave. Kim Murray's leaned over to one of their other friends and said, Aww. Like she'd just seen something cute. Carrie's face splotches of scarlet and shot Kim a look of pure hatred. Forget it. Forget it. Come on. See, you're about to do Carrie's voice. No, that was my throat. No, no, no. Then you realize you're doing this character. character. So you adopt a less masculine voice for the man. I know what you were doing. I know a hundred percent what you were doing. No, no, you can't because that was a, that was a strategic sore throat.

1:24:00My throat sore. I think I'm disgusted by your, your characterization of scary Carrie. I think that this is a beautiful relationship. I think he should embrace because that all met that Carrie has mentioned to her friends that she likes our author. What, what is that? Are you in the bear noise that do not do the bear noise. There's no bear trap. What is your bear trap? You haven't laid out a trap for anything. I was mooing. I was mooing like cow. Oh, now she's a cow. Now she's a cow. Okay. All right. So you took her from a trucker to a cow. You're moving backwards. All right. No, I don't need this.

1:24:36I don't need you. I don't need your, your, your interactions, your two cents regarding this. Forget it. Come on. I said, I didn't know what Carrie had told Kim about Greenfield, but sure didn't want to deal with it. Once we were in the hallway and out of anyone's earshot, I recounted the events of Drew DeLuca's party. She let you read the note he left her? We're going to fight. Me and you are going to throw down. Even though just a month ago, we'd spent several hours being lectured by our guidance counselors about the differences between depression, true depression that was a psychological illness, and being sad, I think Carrie still had trouble believing anyone was more miserable than she was.

1:25:16Carrie stepped closer to me and dropped her voice to a whisper. Why'd it do it? Was it, was it her fault? You're trying to ruin this for me. I'm not going to let you. I'm just going to ignore you. You're going to have to just fucking realize that's going to be scary. Carrie's voice, dude. I'm going to read this in my head. I'm reading it in a different voice. How? What does she sound like in your head? She looks like my beautiful wife. She looks like my gorgeous wife whom I love deeply. I'm sorry. I did not put that in your head. I'm sorry. Yeah, okay, whatever. Shut up. I hate you. They told the clockmaker that he was an impotent old man, and they were unafraid of him.

1:25:57Run along back to your little gills and springs. Maybe if you're nice and quiet, I'll still fix you your dinner tonight. Oh, my God, dude. That is fucked. Whoa. What is it? There's a lot of cuckolding in the story, eh? There is. This is our second instance. I hope there's more. I hope... I like a nice cuckold horror story, dude. That's sick. Do you? Is that a recurring thing that you're interested in? You know what's fucked up about that? It makes so much sense to me that vengeful spirits are cuckolds. You know, you're actually... I've never thought of it before, but you're actually right. It's so true, right?

1:26:37I'd be mad enough to stick around, too. I would burn the earth down forever. I would not leave. I'd be like, I'm staying right here at anyone who comes here. I'm going to mess with, I'm going to be upset. I'm going to bother him. Are you sure? That's not like, so my kind of woman is like, you know, tall, goth, whatever. Your kind of woman is any woman that's with another man. Yes. Okay. Let the record show. Let the record shut it down. scary carry put it on the record scary carry also does wwe matches in her backyard do you smell what the scary carry's cooking she's just triple h well she's just about as fucking big as them goddamn also wondered if she'd cry i feel embarrassed even after all these years later admitting it but a part of me was hoping she would then i'd have an excuse to hug her again

1:27:42that's my boy that's my boy right there that there he is what a man i could be is that scary carrie looking on yeah that's that's still scary carrie come on give me a hug put her there come on i could be dependable comforting boyfriend material it was the kind of fantasy that marked me as a beta male that's whoa and we get mentioned a beta bell in the story and dude we've got cucking twice if youtube doesn't copyright this video i will yeah the only gym class activity i'd ever enjoyed but i felt obligated to update carrie on what i learned about rob and the spire so i joined her in the auxiliary gym for a little ping pong a game i had no idea she was good at.

1:28:27She gets, bro, and she's good at ping pong. Well, God damn. She's good at ping pong. Come on. Ping pong. Or it could have happened exactly like that. What am I thinking here? No, no, no, no. That was okay. Leave it. That was okay. You did it. We had, however, brought a couple of sticks of incense, which we lit with a very old Zippo that had once belonged to my grandfather. carrie had bought the incense from a new age store the sort of place you'd shop at if you were inclined to believe in neo-paganism or healing crystals saleswoman told her it was like i'm just i love that carrie is dangerously close to kayla this might be my wife

1:29:14she like kayla goes to these places constantly she dresses like this she looks like this maybe it was the increasingly likely prospect that another of our missions was going to prove to be a waste or maybe it was just the hour and the warm air of the heater blasting in our faces making us sleepy but whatever the cause our energy was fading fast and our conversation had turned serious well serious by high school standards do you think kim murray's pretty okay hold on hold on hold on all right i'm not gonna i'm not gonna do my girl like that Do you think Kim Murray is pretty? I feel too bad. Thank you.

1:29:50Thank you. There we go. I feel too bad. I know. He gets some humanity redeemed. Look at that, kids. Hunter gets to go to heaven. Hunter has a heart. They say his heart grew three sizes that day. He died of a heart attack like Seabiscuit. Turns out your chest cavity is not nearly equipped to handle a heart three times its size. So it ripped against his inner rib cage and exploded on the podcast. It's terrifying. At some point she stopped crying. It took me a second to notice, but what I thought was her taking a shuddering breath or maybe just a tear covered cheeks sliding over my skin was actually Carrie kissing my neck.

1:30:29Oh, here we go. Come on, get on in there. I'm so conflicted right now because it's going between my interpretation of Carrie versus what the author wants me to think. I don't know where I'm at. Let me give you a hickey. That's what she's saying. Come on. You know what? And if she looked like my wife, if she wasn't as the story was trying to describe her, if she was like the dare I bring it up, the Jacoby that's in my mind right now, it'd be great. It'd be awesome. But I feel like the author is dissuading this as a bad thing. I think he's just surprised. I think he's surprised. I think that he's going to fall for Carrie, dude.

1:31:06Come on. We have to have hope for Carrie. Yeah, I agree. I hope the story ends and it's like me and Carrie are married now We have like three children God of course you would say that What do you mean of course I would say that I hope they get married at the end They're obviously not going to get fucking married At the end With that attitude Of course you would say that Of course I'm the guy who wants a happy ending With two characters he likes Yeah what a jerk move of me to pull What a horrible idea she got the message I just I don't know I don't think if you like that I trouble spit it in doubt she nodded we're friends uh huh sorry I was trying to wrap it around my head we're friends you're such a jerk dude honestly I'm not scary Carrie is dynamo alright it's unfortunate what's happening alright it is unfortunate you earlier refer to her by cow noises.

1:32:14There you are. Come on, man. Don't do me like that in front of Carrie. Normally, people have like an angel and devil on their shoulder. I think you're the devil, and every now and then, I show up on your shoulder. See? Like that. Like that. There you go. There you go. That's what I like to think I do. You just moo to yourself to be a good person. Is that what you're saying? I'd forgotten that the only reason I knew about the spire in the woods was because of his suicide notes and had actually been happy about the whole thing, while two guys who had lost a good friend, quite possibly because of the spire, were sitting right behind me.

1:32:53Bruh. I don't know. I bet. You want to ride home? I can take both of you. I really didn't. Sure. Carries it. Carries it. I love that. I love that tagging at the end. Carrie said so sad. Because I have sure there's two men and a woman speaking, but I have to clarify for the audience that you are speaking of the female equation. All right. You twisted my leg. Fine. Hey, let's do it. Get out of here. Now she is neither ugly nor beautiful in my mind. Now she is like, uh, what, what, what is the, uh, that Sam Elliott, it's like Sam Elliott on the other side of the bar. I'm a Marlboro man. Marlboro.

1:33:44Come on, dude. Yeah. That didn't happen. And we were soon alone together in the car. The second, the door closed behind Murph Fletch dropped his mask. And I knew that he heard me going to Quayburn. That's why I told you you're going to the Quayburn. Yeah. Hold on. Okay. All right. I think you should read that. Okay. I'm just making sure. I was just making sure. Are you fucking retarded? Just making sure. I'm trying to hold the piece here, boys. You're not saying that the character in the story is saying that you're reading the quote. Come on, man. You have read that this woman, Carrie, is fat, and you yourself made moo noises earlier.

1:34:25So I think this is the least of your concerns. Dude, come on, man. You know, what are you trying to do to me here? This was different than the blood cemetery Or the Eunice Williams covered bridge We were walking into the ghost story Of Robert Edward Kennan And the only thing we knew for certain Was that he was dead Pass me my bag Okay this is him talking to Carrie Thank you I said to Carrie as we stepped out of the car No you don't get to redo that line Because that was your malice for this woman And we're leaving it That's what he said to her Pass me my bag No, no, no. You went even worse. It's him.

1:35:04It's the author talking to Carrie. Pass me my bag. Shut up. Mrs. Peterson shook with laughter as we drove down 495. She was going so fast, I thought Ecto-1 was going to disintegrate. Look at one of those experimental jet planes you see in old stock footage. Carrie's mom, beaming with pride, clapped her hand down on my knee and said, Boy, I will tell you, you got yourself one tough girl.

1:35:30Bro. what i'm so this is so sad yeah i know well i hate that i i hate that he just hasn't like at least at this point i would just be like oh we're not dating we're just friends i don't think i don't think that's i don't think that's rude to say is it that's not rude oh no we're not dating she's just i would like i would like carrie say it i would like carrie soon but they don't know that you're such a spineless you're such a spineless coward no no because well yeah well yeah hey carrie tell your mom we're not dating she's like they don't know about that yet they don't know about that till they got there

1:36:10hey hey carrie mrs peterson i think carrie's got something to tell you

1:36:19like a teenager who like has zero accountability is like carrie tell your mom we're not together and it's like yeah she's like drooling out the side of her mouth and shit she's like she just starts crying it's like no I didn't say cry I said tell your mom we're not together she starts barking and that's when our protagonist turns to Mrs. Pierce and he does see we're just friends thanks for clearing that up Gary

1:36:53she's clacking she's clacking She's clacking her frostbitten heels together like Dorothy.

1:37:01No place like home. No place like home. Okay, I'm done. I'm done. Oh, my word. The pastor knew it was mostly because the church wouldn't give financial support to those who did not attend at least three services in a row. But the pastor felt he would be quite literally damned if he spoiled Kathy's optimism. It is a little... It just reads like you're like role-playing as an old woman. It is quite dramatic, isn't it? I'm an old woman now. Yes, yeah. I'm Kathy. Me 19, not starting a YouTube video. You're like, fuck, being 19 is hard. What if I was like an old woman? Yeah, could I just please be an 83-year-old woman?

1:37:49I would love that. Amen. Amen. I love you, God!

1:38:01I don't know what the hell that was. Was that a soundbite that said, I love you, God? I love you, God! I love you, God! You had that queued up. Come on, man. You had that shit queued up back there. All right. Okay. Kathy had one problem, as the police would later attempt to understand. She cared too much. every person word and item were sacred to her she embodied the spirit of charity and devotion in a way few others could what are you laughing about i mean i mean what is this you're like you're writing like a great day for an old woman it's like like is this a horror is this a horror story is this just like uh what is this i mean you guys think i just showed up to the show with like and then kathy went home to the kids i mean that would be a horse No, it's going somewhere.

1:38:55The mention of the precarious boxes. I jumped the gun, I'm sorry. Okay, did you hear the mention of the boxes in the pile next to her? I jumped the gun. Whatever, just play the music. Of course, all this strife could have been solved with a simple doorknock or church visit in order to see that the big bad wolf is something much closer to Little Red's grandma. However, that would take out all of the fun of a good game of gossip. Well, this was harmless for some time, if not rude. That all changed one Halloween. Okay, here we go. Now we're here. Alright, I'm... Okay. Here it is. Dude, if Kathy doesn't, like, fucking eat a kid...

1:39:37And this is, like, literally like a warning for... It's like, every woman in here in your 70s is going to be horrifying.

1:39:47Again, what do you think this is? What do you think? Clearly, I had way too much, like, I was playing with the language and, like, being very flowery and stuff. Oh, the language. I just love the idea of you, 19 years old, putting your mind in the head of a 70-year-old woman. It's, like, my favorite thing. You're like, oh, my God. I've never connected with anyone more. It's so good. Okay, what about it? It's sick. I'm stoked. anytime he tells me it's sick it means it's not sick oh it's good that all changed one halloween it was true what the fuck is that that's like a scooby-doo like uh like oh i see thanks harry it was tradition for kathy to sit at her front porch and hand out king-size hershey bars to the approaching children however this year the smell had grown so rancid that even kathy's generous offering was not enough to get kids to enter her front yard and so she sat there alone with her chocolate see now they say oh now it's sweet yeah now you care yeah yeah it would be dude does she does she uh use a what is it a panic button or like i've fallen i can't get up A life alert?

1:41:02A life alert, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Oh! It falls on the steps. Someone grabbed my chocolate. It smells funky, but I swear it's good. Every story we read, you have something against old women. There's always, like, something. It's a long story. Okay, all right. Welcome back to Creepcast. Today we are reading creepypastas based around rituals. that he can perform at home that are real. You want to talk to God? Yeah. You want to talk to devil? Yeah, today. You can talk to both of them at the same time. Kill your mom. Go into your room tonight. Take a big fluffy pillow and put it over your mom's face.

1:41:45It's not vertigo. Okay? You want riches beyond your wildest comprehension? Kill your mom. Kill her. I'm not even joking. I want you to kill your mom today. when she get a big old handful of pills and put her mouth when she's sleeping she doesn't choke on him she'll probably overdose i can't wait for someone to actually have a problem with us like a real one and that there's going to be so many clips to use i feel uh you know it's just a ritual dude it's not the end of the world kill your parents okay all right anyway so if your parents gonna kill yourself okay all right there's we are pushing every guideline we can find this point our YouTube partner managers are sweating constantly.

1:42:33When, when I got, when my Twitter account got stolen, when I fell for that scam a little bit ago, and the video of me started going around, everyone was like, not him. Lips aren't big enough. It's true. It is. I will say that that was freaky for people that don't know. Isaiah's Twitter account got hacked and the guy made like a deep fake video or not. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Speaker 0 5c03p No, that was me. That was me. That was a video I took because I thought the scam was that I was talking to Twitter's verification team and that there was an attempt to buy a cow and I was dumb and fell for it.

1:43:08So I made the video to like certify the account or whatever. But then after they stole the account, they're like, Hey, it's a crypto thing. Speaker 1 0 5c03p So you wait, the video you recorded was you, was you promoting a no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me back up. Let me back up. Yeah. You, you, you have, okay. Yeah. Please tell me. Okay. So I get a phone call where someone claims to be with like Twitter or X's or whatever, sport and safety team. And then they send me V emails to verify like the, the case is opened or whatever that are from twitter.com. It's like support slash twitter.com. And I look up the URL and it's like, it was legit a few years ago back when X was Twitter, but now that it's rebranded, I guess people can just like spoof the email or someone's bought the domain or something like that for twitter.com or whatever.

1:43:57So it all came from like twitter.com and they already had information like phone number, account, email, tied, stuff like that. And they sent like a portal to like verify login through. So I go through everything looks like X and they're like, we need to verify identity. And when I signed up for the blue check Mark, they did add the thing where it's like, Oh, a picture of yourself. And like, I've got my account back from other websites before where you have to send a video of yourself. And they're like, yeah, I was on the phone with this supposed tech guy. I was like, yeah, just send a video of yourself with your name date.

1:44:28And then this code and the code was dollar sign W E N. And yes, in hindsight, in hindsight, I should have realized what that meant. I thought it was like a code. It's like a symbol. And then three letters, the account name. Oh my God. I should have known. I should have known, but I did it for like the Twitter guy. And then as soon as he has that, I've already entered the password. I get locked out of everything at once. And then they log in, they log in, change all of my stuff and then post that video. So that's Oh my God. That is so funny. It was not funny for me at all. And my wife, my wife who was not with me because I, she was feeling bad and my family was in for the holidays.

1:45:18So I was doing this between hanging out with them. We were out, we went on another tour of new Orleans, which I know you're fond of. We go out on another tour and while I'm on the tour, all this happens. So my wife who wasn't with me, saw the video and was like, well, surely he wasn't stupid enough to fall for this. So she says it was AI and a fake, even though I assumed that's what everyone assumed because how could I be that stupid? It's not even that it's like, it's like your emotion. You look like a fucking robot. Like the lighting is all weird. You're like, you're You're in this prison cell and you're just like, so this is Isaiah Dickles.

1:46:01The way that... I thought it was a verification thing. I was like, oh yeah, you got a hexed AI video. I remember being like, man, they even got the grainy dark room. He's like, to think that you look like a fucking Guantanamo Bay hostage and you were like in your room with a notepad and wrote that crypto coin down is so fucking funny oh my god my favorite thing too later was the follow-up but i was like oh damn because people are like wait he's doing that he's promoting this whatever and everybody i saw was being like no he got hacked or whatever and then i go to instagram and that's whenever i see your story you have your shades on you're outside you're like okay so here's pretty much what's going on you're like walking outside and you're recording yourself with these sunglasses on like so pretty much I got hacked and it was a whole weird thing sorry about that sorry about that guys

1:47:10I was under a lot of duress thank you it was a stressful time I didn't think that you were getting off like a fucking alligator bayou tour or whatever You know what? She's a cracker. Son is just unfortunate. All right. We better go on this ghost tour. You know, it's crazy. You know, it's crazy. It was literally an alligator bayou tour.

1:47:39There was a gator next to me and it was a boat tour like down to it. I was under a lot of duress. What do you want? My shades were on what do you want me to do oh gosh could you imagine being like if it goes the way that i'm thinking of being like he put up his he put up his jacket and walked over like you're having somebody narrate your entire life like it would drive you insane yeah it's kind of kind of like how i am with you you're kind of like the thing that follows me around and torments my life that's true or i'm a guy on twitter who's like hey by the way uh write down write down this saying it.

1:48:17Okay. He wasn't even at Twitter. He wasn't even at Twitter. It was just, he just said he was at Twitter. You thought so with the email. I thought it was, I thought talking to Mr. Musk himself for all I knew. I'm hitting you all personally to help you with this. Is he Swedish? He has such a weird accent. I can never do. He's just kidding. I am become meme. What are we? I am become meme. That is like the cringiest, one of the lamest fucking things were heard i am becoming like looks forward and he's like what do we remember when he started a government agency called doge he says he says uh uh pretty much pretty much i become a pretty much

1:49:03you're so cool wow this is great i i love the everything app okay i do too i especially love how it when all the emails for the old one got stolen they use those to push a crack whatever entity by the way that's in this story would fucking hate having to narrate my life man wakes up he masturbates he continues to masturbate he's masturbating again he took a shit he masturbates while he shits he's masturbating he's masturbating it smells in here I'm like that's not narrating that's your own thing he's like I'm sorry I'm sorry. He masturbates. Like you're, you're just holding eye contact with him.

1:49:49Yeah, exactly. He puts, he puts on his socks. He masturbates Before you're even out of the bed. That's rough. Yeah, exactly. He says he gets out of bed.

1:50:06Sorry. Another day here. He does hot yoga. He masturbates.

1:50:14All right. Anyway, he drives to work. He calls Isaiah. He masturbates. Ew. I don't. I'm going to cut that out right now. They say enough stuff already on the subreddit. We don't need to encourage that. Dad shrugged and popped the pastry in her mouth. She chewed a bit and swallowed. Not bad. Okay. Now what? Now you take a nap.

1:50:47Okay. We're going to the club.

1:50:57That's gotta be a brand new sentence.

1:51:06I had to make a concentrated effort to stay on my feet while my knees try to buckle under underneath me. Just seeing her face brought back painful memories I thought long buried. She was like a mirage long dead returning to torture me. Kimber's eyes finally found me as she nervously clutched her cell phone in her hands turning it over and over against her chest. Hi Sam. Oh sorry not did I make up the name Will this whole time? Is his name Sam? Is his name Sam? I thought it was Will. unless we're just thinking i make up this whole thing if if that during the edit just have to just say sam um he moves there means a couple of his name's man he meets a couple of kids named colin kimber they start friendship and then my sister goes missing one day also seth did say sam too sorry sam yeah sorry sam but yeah i don't where did i get will from yeah his name sam walker in the story.

1:52:05Alright, whatever. I guess I'm just stupid. Alright, whatever. To be completely honest, I don't remember anything after like two weeks. I was like, Will. There must have been another story with Will or that or I'm coping. I'm just thinking of It. Isn't that his name Will and It? Yeah, it is. Stranger Things is Will. Will is the Stranger Things kid. I don't know. There's a Will somewhere in the story. I don't fucking know. The hysterical subject now said the voices of the dead were deafening and hostile. Speaking of hell and the end of the world, at one point he yelled, No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

1:52:46I'm not. For five hours straight. He continually begged to be killed, but the scientists were convinced that he was close to establishing contact with God. Don't laugh. Hunter, don't laugh. This is serious. he's speaking of hell there he's right by god he's so close you're almost there buddy he's like he's like demon demon they're just like he's right at heaven's doorstep right now guys just give him a couple more days he's like he's like look i know the scientist is standing in front of the glass like i know this looks bad but i hypothetically like we we all think a devil what's the opposite of the devil god right boom yeah he's he's almost there gotta be right there has to be close a few months ago i was in an accident my friend and i were driving home my friend and i were just my friend and i were driving home from work when a young woman on a bicycle came out of nowhere and smashed into my friend's car at 80 miles an hour.

1:53:57Okay. Pause. Okay. Time out real quick. Now, now Isaiah, are they saying that the bicycle was going 80 miles an hour? That's what I was. Or was it was a friend's car going 80 miles an hour? What if they were both, if they were both going 80 miles an hour, does a neutron star just form in life as we know it sees to me? I think she just gets Adam eyes to cross. It's like the fucking, the submersible going down the Titanic. They just implode and turn to a fine dust, that little, the submarine that imploded. Yeah. Well, what made me laughing as I was reading, my friend and I were driving and underneath like, I can see the line beneath it.

1:54:42I just smashed 80 miles per hour. All right. So we don't know. We don't know for a fact if it's, I'm going to assume the young woman on the bicycle was going at 80 miles an hour. All right. Tour de France downhill Lance Armstrong. Let's go 80 miles an hour on a bicycle is like light speed. Yes. And that's what she was doing. Falling down a cliff. She had a beautiful summer dress flowing and she was perfectly up straight. She wasn't even like in a speed pose. She was perfectly up straight legs, legs outstretched. Her legs were even on the pedals. She was just barely down the scale. This is going to be, this is going to be really rough.

1:55:25If at the end, this is just like an actual confession. The author is making of someone that really does that you and you were joking about like how brutal it was. Yeah. All right. We got out as soon as we realized what happened, called an ambulance, but unfortunately, pause, pause, pause. Sorry. I'm not going to keep something, but what do you mean if we got out as soon as we realized, because as soon as she was going, hold on a second, putter because pull the car over. I think we had something. No, no dude. She was going 80 miles an hour. Or it would have looked like a flash. Yeah. It looked like a fly hitting the window for a moment.

1:56:11They're like, what was that? It was like a meteor. Yeah. Then they see a fucking woman on like a 1950s bicycle just like flinging through the air. All right. Sorry. That's the last time I'm going to stop it. Okay. He needs to accept that it wasn't his fault. He wouldn't listen, though. And over the coming weeks, he came to work less and less. and whenever he did come he looked awful like he wasn't sleeping the last time i saw him at work he told me he wished he never grew up because humans are bound to harm others no matter how hard they try not to as adults what are you talking about i wish i was never fucking born i was never born because adults are too they always harm each other I'm a ticking time bomb Jared I'm a fucking ticking time bomb you should kill yourself Jared because you're gonna hurt someone too that's what's gonna happen is Jared also there's no names in this story I'm just saying Jared but Hunter a woman lost her life choking on her own blood not from being choking on her not from blunt force drama from being struck by a car while she was going eight miles an hour on a bike, she somehow landed the pool of blood collected in her mouth and she was like...

1:57:33Yo, I didn't even see you! I shouldn't have been driving. That's what humans do, Hunter. Well, I'm an adult, so I shouldn't have been driving behind the wheel. I should have known this would have happened. Because they're bound to hurt each other. If it wasn't you, I would have driven up on the side of a sidewalk and crushed it to another human being. Because it's just my, it's my adult urge. Okay, go ahead. I can't explain the peace of mind I had knowing I didn't have to brace myself for any of his stupidity for a while. I was always afraid his stunts would wind up bleeding over into my life.

1:58:06I like the idea too. I like the idea of this guy being like, because you immediately, I immediately thought that the YouTube person was like a kid. But now he's like, hey, can you pick up my mail? I'm like, this is a 38 year old guy. Yeah, well, he said like on his car, on his own car, right? Yeah. I expected like a 16 or 17 year old is what I was expecting. I mean, this guy should know all you need in order to be successful on YouTube is just find a bunch of stories that you didn't write and then make glorified react content. Hey, come on, man. Hey, we're, we're, we're, it's a campfire story podcast.

1:58:37Rake in the money. All right, dude. All right. I, you know what? We do a good service here and we bring, I don't have to, I don't have to defend us. No, go ahead. I want to hear, I want to hear, I want to hear what your defense is. I want to hear what your defense of this would even be. Go ahead. What do we do that's a good work? You know what? Nothing, dude. Not a damn thing. No, no. You know what? I thought it was friendly banter where you could, sure, you could read the story on your own, but this is reading it with pals, fun voices, fun interaction and bits. It's basically getting together and going camping with your buddies, except probably less homosexual stuff going on.

1:59:15Right? How bad can I be? I'm just building the... Why do I feel like you've done a little fucking... Why do I feel like you've done a little scratch and sniff with your bodies down by the river? We are not finishing whatever that sentence was you were about to say. You cut that out right now. You also, you can never... Okay, I'm not getting down. I'm not going down to your level. I'm not stepping into the trench. You always cross your legs whenever you bring up the word canoe. You always do. Okay. You know what? You phrase it like, got a little scratch and sniff with your body. Come on, dude. You're always bringing it to see like that.

1:59:55I'm not trying to belittle or make light of the things you've done with your buddies in the past. Like, I'm not trying to, like, say it's gross. I'm just saying sometimes a little scratch is niffed. Okay. Can I get back to the story? There was a famous quote that said, there was a famous quote. I forgot who it was from, but it said, sometimes the cucumber tastes better pickled. You're referencing your own quotes? That is how desperate we are for content. We're cannibalizing our own clips that people like. No, that was from a show or something. I can't remember what show it was. That was a show.

2:00:26That was some kind of cast, I think. I swear to God. Perhaps some kind of creepy one. No, no, no. It was a Comedy Central show. We took a trip to the largest resort in our state. I made sure the sky was clear. The crowds were minimal and the flowers had bloomed. I got off my knee to embrace her. She was elated. Her smile, her embrace, her scent. Every detail was just as I imagined. Yeah, she shit herself. How did you propose? How did I propose? I took Allison to Fairbanks, Alaska under the Northern Lights. Did you actually? I did. I'll text her right now. Go ahead and text her. I did it. That's what happened.

2:01:10That's very romantic. That's actually incredibly thoughtful and sweet. Oh, yeah. It was awesome. Did she cry? uh yeah i did for probably like three or four hours um i don't know i think she i can't remember where she was at um but yeah no i i teared up did you uh i did yeah yeah i i had like a whole like little speech prepared and stuff we were both crying can you can you remember it

2:01:40um i do remember it actually can you say it to me right now i'll pretend i'm Kayla What would your Kayla impression be like? Well, once you start saying it, I'll start doing it. Kayla? Yeah? She sounds like Goofy. That doesn't sound like Goofy? That was a Goofy impression. Okay. That was 100 % Goofy impression.

2:02:12Years ago, you asked me. I was waiting for you to do the impression again. No, what did I ask you? Do you remember what you asked me?

2:02:26Pass the ketchup. Okay, now you're Patrick Star. It's the same voice. Anyway, the little speech I gave or whatever is, like when we had started dating, we had this whole conversation where she was talking about how like um like she used to she used to pray for uh when she was a kid she used to pray for like uh a man to come into her life to make make things better not worse blah blah blah like all this sappy stuff uh and um when i when i proposed right before i got down on one knee i said something to the effect of like um i think i'm that man or i want to be that man or something like that and proposed it was very sweet using.

2:03:14go ahead i'll just listen I was just waiting for you to have some snide remark or comment too No, I think it's beautiful Can I go back to the story now? Yep

2:03:31We talked it over and realized one thing we had in common was that we were both fast asleep 4.03am There's no way we were the only ones asleep at that time though Maybe everyone else was just napping I don't know about you, but I was well and truly asleep I was sunked out. Seriously. I was gone. I hit the Zaza before the flight and my ass was my, my goofy. I was totally busted out and down the snooze train. That's so cool. Mary Mary. Awesome. You're great. Mary. She takes out a tech day. I imagine she's using, she's has a tech deck out this entire time. She's talking. She keeps dropping on the floor.

2:04:13Damn it. It flips. Yeah. that's pretty that's awesome i've never seen anyone that's awesome mary i've never seen anyone do a jack mill before i saw that male flight attendant is he bothering you is that guy bothering you mary she's like what and she's a grinding on a uh one of those like uh those cookies that you get the the half pipe things yeah she's like she's she's on the biscoff cookie she's uh she's grinding on the biscoff cookie singing ska songs to herself So here I am Doing everything I can All the time

2:04:54Mary are you singing Superman by Goldfinger? You know that song? Yeah You might be the coolest girl I've ever seen I would hope the story ends with both of them dying in a plane Here I am Doing it

2:05:15pretending i'm a superman

2:05:25but i knew right away that dan and i mix like oil and water i decided to let him try his hand at announcing but the first time he turned on his mic and heard him belt out good morning and would you look at that sunshine i hope daniel gets hit by a truck i hope he ends up like one of those fucking birds dude i need him to fall out of the tower at first please yeah not even supernatural just like a gun accident just literally slip wooden stairs and just fall right off yeah yeah dan apparently saw the expression on my face, unwilling to answer for fear of, well, offending or encouraging any other zealous callers.

2:06:14And so he finally did something good for me and answered in my place. That's an interesting dream, man. I think if God lived in the forest, he wouldn't give you a nightmare like that.

2:06:30That you did at the end of the laugh pissed me. off at Dan so much. The little satisfaction after the laugh at the old thing you said. I want to say that I probably have put Dan in a position of redemption now. I feel bad. He's wearing suspenders and a bow tie in my mind.

2:07:03I've got to fight him. took him a moment before he finally spoke but his voice was a hoarse whisper that he probably couldn't even pick up a little he said and smirked with a sad excuse for a chuckle you're friendlier when I can't hear you well okay so she picks up Dan and she throws him through the pain glass window I think Dan's kind of grown on me a bit no honestly you know what honestly did it is that chuckle that you did earlier because now when he did the you're friendlier when i can't hear you well i couldn't help but imagine like uh well you're friendlier to be fair i could i could have read i could have read it like uh he could be like you're friendlier when i can't hear you well that's what it was in my head so you didn't have to read it that way you've already said that in stone so all right okay you kind of felt bad for him and i like that even as evelyn was annoyed with him as well by the end she was just kind of like i kind of miss him like i like i i hope that we get some more of those interactions or even maybe dan can come out maybe come back i should say um no no i just fully disagree with you on that one i i don't i don't need a back i don't i think he's gonna stay is it your fault a little bit he's gonna stick around he's gonna stick around for a while is what i think the hyper eagerness of him is going to get on my nerves good Monday!

2:08:32Which if I heard on the radio, I would change the station immediately. He won't be returning to work for a few days, probably, and may not be wearing a headset for a long time, but while talking to his mother, I heard him in the background saying, Is that Evelyn? Tell her I'm not being a nuisance yet.

2:08:56It's like a stake in your heart every time i love it it is the hum of satisfaction after laughing at your own joke it's absurd it's awful oh beggars can't be choosers i watched as his eyes lit up seeing the get well cars that have been left on his side of the console he snorted when he noticed the one i left for him happy birthday grandma

2:09:33i i want to feel bad because it's not him it's you that makes me ate him but it's so inseparable in my mind at this point like what like when we heard his last name was esperanza i just coasted over that fact. I coasted over the mention he has moppy black hair in my hair in my head. It's like he has a perm like a perm almost of like red hair kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like in a it's like a high end type, but it sets off his head and his curly and he's wearing glasses that are taped in the middle. He basically he looks like a human embodiment of Carl Weezer from Jimmy Neutron

2:10:16but annoyingly skinny oh gosh okay whatever paw turned to me flickering candlelight olives of his face were cast in sharp relief he looks more like an ape than a man this is where I leave you son he said with his arms on my shoulders don't be afraid you won't be hurt I promise just do what nature tells you to do oh no not her this uh so then he So he's going to leave him here, and that's what happened on Jamie's birthday as well. But I'm wondering. Yeah, nature. Yeah, it's going to be. Might be. Might be. Yeah. In the jungle, the mighty jungle. Hunter. A weembo up. A weembo up. Hunter. I really loved all the descriptive stuff of the moth wings pattering.

2:11:14the like dry i just imagine like little droplet sounds you know like the moisture dropping from this tunnel and even just like the fire like the wick burning and dancing so quiet in the in the tunnel that you i just that description was really nice it really put me like sunk me in like wrapped me like a blanket it was really good the writing's great like the the quality of writing measured tones and stuff awesome nature though um what's really funny is as soon as you hear nature in that context the first thing you go to is uh in the jungle so i can only imagine that that is what plays in your head never you are letting nature take over

2:12:04bad day at the bank dear my mother asked during a pot full of sauce she was oh i thought he was she was being i saw stirring a pot and thought it was a metaphor she's actually stirring upon my mother asked stirring a pot full of sauce she was preparing my dad turned to look at her i had the worst day i've ever had you can't even imagine none of you can the things i go through to put food on this table my mother turned and frowned i'm sorry to hear that can I get you a beer?

2:12:42Is that your - is that your I want to be here?

2:12:48Uh duh

2:12:57Uh a durr Earth's too stupid Uh yes

2:13:06That's how he talks to his wife too. No. I do. Oh my god, baby, please. Could you? Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. My mom went to the fridge and pulled one out, handing it to him and putting a hand on my dad's shoulder reassuringly. My dad went to twist the top off, but pulled his hand away with a snarl. Ah! Shit! Of course it's not a twist top. why would it be such a funny thing to get mad at i guess you need a goddamn opener for everything nothing works in this house nothing works in this fuck originally i had worked in the labs found in the second sub basement to my assumption the last basement to my surprise when my new clearance came I was informed I would be in the 11th sub-basement from now on.

2:14:04I remember the conversation pretty vividly. My manager, Timothy Ruths, who was also a high-ranking Army general, had come into my office in the morning. Still no luck on the infancy mortality, Dick? No, unfortunately not. Well. He just has a bunch of baby dolls. He's like, there's got to be a clue. No just a bunch of Dead battery babies on my desk He's just like He has a slingshot Yeah All the babies All the babies always have like goggles and helmets on And like a giant bullseye on the wall He's just Rolling them into the wall They're still dying on impact Sergeant At ease dick Just all night, he's got a clipboard, and he's, like, walking over to the dolls and writing notes and then putting it back in the slingshot.

2:15:08That's all right. Not every problem is going to get solved immediately. That said, we're outsourcing this problem for now.

2:15:18I'll keep trying, Sergeant. Thank you, sir. Hey, T. John.

2:15:26just that not every problem is going to get solved immediately as they're flying in between the two of them like straining in the walls

2:15:41his smile was friendly there was a twitch in his brow something in his voice I've poisoned this scene for me I apologize it's something in his voice like annoyance i hadn't heard before wait am i being fired no no no no a brilliant mind like yours no no no no that's the most condescending condescending should have ever heard my life dude no no no no a brilliant mind like yours slingshotting the babies into the wall with goggles and helmets no with his two eyes askew and that flopping foam jaw and the fishing line that opened and closed it. Ah, it just looks so cheap and awful. You guys remember the villain.

2:16:26He had a face that was just a handlebar mustache above really tall, narrow teeth. I just noticed that the guy's name is Kevin Hart. Yes, this person's name is Kevin Hart. Could be the Kevin Hart. How do we know it's not the professional, the huge stand-up comedian Kevin Hart? We'll never know. I think you should do that voice. I am not going to. I don't know what could possibly I think that that's you know I think that I just I honestly I honestly thought that the villain was pirate Percy I was about five when the show was on nightmare fuel Jaren says that wasn't the villain the puppet with the mustache that was the villain sidekick Horace horrible he had a monocle too but it was on top of the mustache I used to think that meant he only had one eye But yeah the villain was another marionette The skin taker What the fuck the skin taker I can't believe what they let us watch back then Holy hell That just turned up to 11 Everyone's like yeah pirate Percy Horace horrible Nah it was the skin taker The skin taker that's what you're forgetting Oh yeah that is what I'm forgetting Huh I forgot about the skin taker That was the missing clue for the series He's the skin taker.

2:17:46The man who was completely naked on screens trying to extend his foreskin. Yeah, so Kevin Hart again says, Jesus Christ, the skin taker. Good God. What kind of show were we watching? I seriously could not look at the screen when the skin taker showed up. He just descended out of nowhere on his strings, just a dirty skeleton wearing that brown top hat and cape and his glass eyes that were too big for his skull. Christ almighty. It just goes straight from like zero. Yeah. Well, at least they, they grounded it back down. You know, I liked that. They ground it back down with him being like, Oh, it was a skeleton with a cape and hat, whatever.

2:18:28So it's still, it's still in the vein of this children's show. It's not like it's some, you know, it's a little too dark thematically, but you can still think of it as a children's show. Yeah. I mean, if it was, it makes you ask the question, like, why were we, why did they let kids watch this but it doesn't break it out of like okay we weren't watching a kid show yet it's just like why would this be in a kid show i really hope that it wasn't uh they didn't even go into it and people were just like yeah but that wasn't the villain it was side night sydney oh yeah that's right side i'd sydney but that much but she she wasn't she wasn't the main villain it was al-qaeda al you're like no yeah al-qaeda al he was scary but it just keeps going and going that wasn't the villain it was nazi nigel it was nazi it was nazi nigel just progressively more like yeah oh yeah you guys are you know i can see how you could get that wrong but actually the main villain was foreskin frank they get to they get to the end it's like guys that wasn't the villain it was jeffrey dahmer yeah yeah and the whole and at the end the deal the show was ran by jeffrey dahmer yeah that's the way it would end i like to think that all the puppets are just four skin references where it's just like jesus christ i bet you would wouldn't you well i just mean can you imagine the guy people being like sure okay fine never mind no no hunter how would i imagine people being like i was just gonna say that wouldn't it be fucking crazy wouldn't it be the fucking craziest fucking thing if all the puppets were foreskin related and then at the end isaiah it turns out that all the puppets were made out of kids foreskins and it was a disgruntled man who was clipped when he was younger i see i see like like they took it for me kind of attitude about it you think a lot about children's foreskin and then you get the and then you get the classic pedophilia kind of angle that all these things have right yes yeah they always have that stranger danger kind of thing exactly if the creepypasta doesn't have it then i feel like people got laughed off the internet yeah so somewhere in the list of like actual villains it's like oh pedophile pete like he's a yeah that's what i'm saying yeah they're all this they're all essentially the same character they're just made of different skin.

2:20:56Anyway, I'm going back. Every puppet has a turtleneck. I hadn't tried yet, but I attempted to move my arms and then my legs. Despite the... Stop moaning! Despite the lingering pain from my back, nothing appeared to be broken. I think I'll be alright. I slowly began to stand, feeling the man help me up. Are you sure you're alright, Marcus? He'll be alright! The man said, helping me towards the light of the door. When my eyes eventually adjusted i could finally make out his okay here's what i'm gonna do so there's long sections that i can read so if i go into discord and i mute him i'll stop by i'm just trying to think if he was i'll stop doing it but he it was supposed to i was just supposed to be like he's hurting i'm here so now that he's muted uh i'm gonna read until it comes to a quote and then so i can't hear him until I get to a point where there's no more float, then I'll unmute him.

2:21:53When my eyes eventually adjusted, I could finally make out his face. It was Terrence. After reaching the exit, he shut the door to the room behind us. It felt good to be out of there and back in the coolness of the lobby. Apparently, I'd been sweating because I could see the large spots across my chest.

2:22:24Speaker 3 0 0 0 I came back and unmuted to, because it's your turn and it was very distorted over the microphone, but it sounded, it sounded like the noise when like you step on a dog toy really hard that like sweeps and it's like the entire time you're reading it was just like now look here i know y 'all guessing all but i'm gonna need you to end your little explore i need you to end exploring

2:23:07Speaker 2 6th 3rd 1 0 0 0 0 We cannot. We cannot read this late in the day. I'll tell you that right now. Speaker 2 7 0 0 0 The only other time we've read after like 4 PM was the Dainia, a house, which became eat me like a bug. So historically our track record for doing stuff later in the day, not great. Oh, and like, and like introducing a pregnant woman to us, after this time bad idea we're immediately gonna make the guy weird he's gonna have a lot of weird bits so the midnight game uh was one of the earliest like ritual creepypastas at least one of the earliest ones i remember the image we're working off of was uploaded january 10th 2011 to uh imger the image board um i think this is the first iteration of it it appears to be a screenshot but this is the earliest one that I remember.

2:24:03Hunter is now using his power and controlling the television screen in front of me to show me just obscene things. It was a buff Darth Maul. He keeps typing in things while I'm sitting here. It was on the side. I'm sorry. He keeps typing in things to break my constitution. Okay, now it's all... Okay. Hold on. He has to get back. What if I just start doing the episode? Just start reading rituals. I'll tell you, honestly, a reason that I'm just so excited that my friend's here and that we get to, you know, read this. And then also, this coffee's blasting through me.

2:24:46I'm not even joking. I'm going to have to take like a five and like dump it out. Dump it out before we can get rolling. I mean, but I'm like wanting to just get rolling. We have not done anything rolling yet. If you need, if we haven't even read a thing yet, I've been doing this intro for 12 hours. There's a movie called The Midnight Game that came out in 2013. It might be related. She has a pentagram on her back, so that's probably, it's probably related, yeah. What's funny is, too, I was like, I was like the super, like, annoyingly studious kid. So I'd always be like, yes, my turn. I know exactly where we are.

2:25:24I don't need to ask. Yes, actually, you don't have to ask me because I know exactly where I am. Mr. Tamlin, I know exactly where we're at. Mrs. Tamlin. Exactly. I know exactly where we're at, Miss Tamlin. She's like, okay, cool, Isaiah. I'm ready. I'm ready. Just literally tell me anytime and I'll be ready. I love you, Miss Tamlin. I wonder if you think we would have gotten along in high school. Also, God, you're so much younger than me. Probably not, dude. I'd be like, who the fuck is this young dork? I hope we wouldn't get along if you were like 22 and I was like in the sixth grade. Let's hang out.

2:25:55Come on. That is so funny to imagine that you were like literally child predator age compared to me how old are you again i'm 25 okay and i'm 46 so we're okay deeply deeply different 21 years older than me um i don't know because i it depends on the age if we were in high school i think we would have got along if we were in middle school i don't think so because i was so socially awkward and like where I was like raised super religious I was like kind of afraid of like kids that listen to like heavy metal and stuff like that I feel like that would be prime like you bullied me age but if it was like later high school I think we would have gone along cool dude you know what no I would have called the police because I've been like this guy is definitely he's a shooter this guy is trying to talk to me help someone help literally that would be me that's what I sounded like.

2:26:51That's how the call would have been. Oh, God! Oh, God, someone else. Exactly like that. Yes, correct. I agree. Rituals for what? To create circuses, among other things. If you told Kurt all about circuses, basically from day one, circus is a locus, a place where several planes of reality converge. Circuses do not occur naturally. God, I cannot keep this up, dude. I keep thinking of, like, a fucking clown and, like, an elephant on a ball and stuff like that. I'm so fucking stupid. There's like, it, Evie told Kurt about the circuses. And I just think like, hello there. And he's like going around, you know, come inside, look at that.

2:27:33Like, like an elephant and all kinds of like a bear on a ball, like rolling around to deal trap, a trapeze act. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's, it's, it's funny to imagine that she's like, well, we were in the breeding programs. Do you want me to tell you about it. And then Hunter's just like talking to this woman and then his mind's like, well, I would just be, well, she'd be saying all this stuff. It's like, it's different planes of existence. And then I look at her and I'm like, I have like glasses on. I take them off and I'm just like, but what if the clowns, no, you have a, you have a clown nose on at any time that she says something dramatic.

2:28:08You honk it.

2:28:13That'd be a really fun grief counselor. Exactly. Like a girl. Like, yeah. And I never saw my dad after that. My father, he, he drank and I just think he'd come home and he hit me.

2:28:34Go on. He's got like a, he's got a sly whistle.

2:28:42exactly and i didn't know how much her death affected me because i started drinking my hurt i started drinking myself and i just every time i look in the mirror all i do is i see him

2:28:58that must have been hard for you Speaker 1 0.

2:29:04Dude. Grief counselor. The clown grief counselor is sick. It's awesome. That should be a real thing. Speaker 1 0. Just talking about like her parents abuse and then Speaker 1 0.

2:29:19It's a good thing it goes up and when it's a bad thing you go down. Speaker 1 0. But then I met Kyle.

2:29:30he's got like he's got like blue hair off both sides of his head and when he gets happy it goes up when he gets sad it goes he has a bunch of theater masks that he puts on for happy and sad faces and stuff my name's chim chim the grief counselor please come in my name is boingo mick boingerton the last time you said chim chim in a story was related to a monkey. So now imagine he also has like a chimpanzee. Speaker 3 0 0 0 0 Yeah, exactly. Mr. Banana, would you mind giving us our file? Speaker 3 0 0 0 0 0 That's what it's like patch Adams, but like the way the movie depicted him, just like, Oh yeah.

2:30:13Robin Williams.

2:30:19Your parents took advantage of you. Good morning. Morning, domestic abuse.

2:30:29You're free, genie. Robert Williams just swinging in a closet. No, I'm kidding. All right, let's go. Oh my God. A proper circus acts as a cage. Like all cages, the bars rust and the locks break if you aren't careful. That was why Evie left him. Her guardian, old now, on her deathbed, ordered her to take care of the circus. Kurt was flabbergasted What kind of horror story Fairytale MK Ultra shit was this I feel like Mother Horse Eyes just like Zipped by in an airplane Real quick Yeah

2:31:07Fletcher faces Yeah

2:31:13That's Evie claimed Thank you doctor Speaker 1 0 7.

2:31:28Even claim they kill him if she didn't do it. Speaker 3rd, Speaker 3rd, Sometimes you gotta wake up and smell the roses. He has that fake plastic flower in his shirt pocket and squirts her in the face. Uh, just kidding. Go ahead. Speaker 3rd,

2:31:48You put a whoopee cushion under the therapy chair. Oh.

2:32:01This coming from a grave counselor would be so funny. Here, have a seat. Oh, excuse you. Oh, we're we're we're the chimpanzees in a cage. The chimps in a cage. He's like, freaking the fuck out. What? What? What? What? What? What? Shake, shake, the fucking box.

2:32:50Meanwhile, meanwhile, there's just a girl sitting there really scared. Traumatized. This guy's laughing.

2:33:10And once it gets quiet She's just like So I still haven't heard from my dad Yeah Again There's another whoopee cushion Whoa Whoa It all starts again

2:33:34after that second one's like well it looks like that's all the time we have for today yeah he like cuts off as soon as the time hits he's like so actually I guess we'll just schedule for next Thursday thank you so much for coming in Rebecca the monkey chills out too like she just immediately falls asleep

2:33:57Oh, okay.

2:34:07That would be cushioned. That would be cushioned. Say just really, really got me. It was really good. Got me really good.

2:34:17I mean, just the sentence, whoopee cushion in a grief counseling. Speaker 2 00, she walks into, he's like already sitting there face painted, hair, blue, giant red nose, his legs crossed. He's like, go ahead. I have a seat. He's like playing it really straight. Go ahead and have a seat. And then, yeah, just a giant wet. And it just sit, just starts the chaos. So good. Speaker 3 00, I'm sorry. I just can't quit laughing. Thinking about the monkey just freaking out.

2:34:56Don't get close to it. He's actually has to break for a second. Don't get close to the cage. Rebecca back. Get back.

2:35:11It's like the bizarro version of that. Like for sale baby shoes never worn it's like grief council chair with whoopee cushion that's this is actually that you know what that is i said that's legitimately a good two sentence horror

2:35:29it's a six word story yeah it's so good um all right anyway do you need some clothes for your beautiful body yep why cover it let it hang out it'll be free some hats shirts backpack Actually, I'm saying don't buy it. You're saying don't buy it? No. What are you saying don't buy it? No. Never mind. Why? The link is there, but no, don't do it. Why shouldn't we buy it? I'm negging. I'm trying to, because they're going to be like, Dad says to not buy it, therefore I want it. Right? It's like you tell your kid, don't smoke pot. What's he want to do? He wants to go smoke pot. Don't go get the merch.

2:36:10You would look real silly. What are you looking at? You keep looking over here.

2:36:21Hope you don't go get it. Thank you all. Turn the phones off while recording. God, dude. That was my alarm I set last night to wake up in the morning, but I put it to PM instead. I just like, there is no way we're ever going to actually get ahead. There's no way. We are. It is Sisyphus. and it says if it's rolling the ball up the hill. Thanks, I never heard that. The P and the A look kind of a bit similar. Mind you, his alarm to wake up was going to be 9.30 a.m. I've seen him wake up before, and it's haunting. It's like a war vet waking up. Literally, he sits there. He's either completely dead, or then when he decides to wake up, he does like...

2:37:05So I just imagine this morning some kind of internal demon was in his brain that fucking woke him up on time luckily. What time are you going to bed? Oh, I mean, last night I went to bed at 3, and then I woke up at 7.20 to get to the airport. Why'd you do that? I could have drove him to the airport. I didn't want you to be mad at Are you is that a legitimate thing? Yeah. You give him shit every time you gotta take him to the airport. Do you know why? because he comes in at 3 a.m okay well yes what that but then whenever i go out i've gotten him every time he comes in at like midnight okay that's fine i guess he's like well the tickets are 30 cheaper okay right right whatever and then when i go to his neck of the woods he's like nah it's too much of a drive and i'm like fair that's fair right so it's bullshit okay Well, can I just say, can I just say that when I landed here yesterday, I was, I was in a goop suit and you didn't tell me about any of that.

2:38:16I land here. He's I'm like, Hey, I'm going to be there Thursday at three. Hunter's like Thursday at three. Got it. Thursday at three. I get here. It was a stressful week. Thursday at three. I'm like, Hey man, nothing. That's that is rare though. That's not an ongoing thing. 15 minutes later. I call Hunter. Nothing. I was in a goop suit. I text in the group chat. It's please to take Ah, yeah, Harry's like, are you here? Yes, yes I am. And he's like do you need a ride? And I'm like, well I guess Speaker 2 2 00 side, I was on a goop suit. It년ken said. Speaker 2 2 00 side of The leader Aslee, Okay!

2:38:52I uber over here and there's 40 people here and I just liked, we had lights and cameras on the goose. Speaker 2 0. Here's the thing about Hunter. He never tells you anything. He said that can't possibly be true. He's just like, what are you pointing at him for? They know because they work with you. I know they know Hunter's like, I feel like I'm overbearing. I feel like I tell them too much. No, no. Maybe them specifically, but other people it's like, Hey, you like you want to do something? And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, cool. And then I'll get there and there will be like 18 things happening at once.

2:39:27And he was like, yeah. So like, just, just know to be fair to do it, to be completely transparent. The shoot day got pushed back and it slipped my mind. Okay. So this was not supposed to be even going on. That's true. Okay. Is that true? Sure. That is true. But me and you talked about me coming in Tuesday. So that means while you were on the shoot, you were like, he doesn't need to know he'll figure it out. Thursday at three got pushed, got it. The shoot got pushed and it slipped my mind. It is the fact that during the shoot, we were communicating about me. Can I just say, orf? Orf? Orf? What is the orf?

2:40:10Smile dog. No. No. No, you're not getting out of this one. Orf? You got to get to the, you walking up the hill with your little. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Harry. Thank you. I get here. I get it. So I have to Uber over to my friend's house. Right? The driver's like, oh, is this like a buddy of yours? And I'm like, allegedly. We get up to the house. We pull up to the fence, and he's like, you want me to drive you up? And I'm like, to be honest, Hunter didn't give me any, or sorry, my friend didn't give me any directions. I don't know if, you know, what door he's in, what room he's in.

2:40:45I don't even know if he wants you to come in, so we'll just stay here. He's like, are you sure it's raining? I'm like, yeah, I'm sure. So I get out in the rain, and I have my little rolly backpack, And I just start walking up Hunter's driveway. And then I looked to the house and I'm like, well, if my friend was in there, I guess he'd probably be looking for me. So he must not be there. Come to find out. Allison was just watching me the whole time. Just net it wave did it like he's over there. Just looked from the house, watch me in the rain. I walk all the way up the hill i get to the top and harry comes outside because he cares harry comes outside and he was like hey isaiah i'm like oh hi are you guys in there no concept of different people being here anything going on he was like yeah you can set your stuff in here i'll show you the new building i'm like oh wow there's a new building i set my stuff in one door go to this new building I open the door, there are, I kid you not, 35 people standing around on a movie set doing things.

2:41:58And I'm just like, what? What is going on? I'll be the bigger man and admit that I was wrong. I should have been more attentive. But I will say, can I have two words? Can I have two? Can I have two words? Goop suit. if I didn't have the goop suit on this whole thing would have been it would have been fine so two things would have been fine either hey you're going to walk onto a movie set I didn't think that that would be a big deal it wasn't a big deal I'm saying with that information I would have said oh I can Uber that's true I'll be the bigger man and admit that's true or even then just say hey can you Uber over?

2:42:44I will concede to be the bigger man. Instead of being sitting in front of Cinnabon for 30 minutes. I will. And then decide. Because I reached. How do I pay you back? I reached this decision point when I got to the Kansas City airport, like the end of it, where I'm like, well, I could leave security and go outside, but I don't know if he's coming. So I guess I'll sit here. That's a bit overdramatic. And then I ate a Cinnabon, and then I just sat there for a while. That was more of a terrorist act than anything. It was. It was. To not even, to be leaving the airport and being like, well, I guess one Cinnabon wouldn't hurt.

2:43:20I was in the wind. Also, why didn't you text Harry sooner? I did. I did text him. You know what? I responded right when you texted group chat, but you didn't. Look at the time code. That's what I'm doing right now. Reference the time code. Harry, you do the same. Okay. Okay, hold on. Okay, Harry can verify what I'm saying. This is also a horror story podcast, by the way. I landed early at 2.46. That's not my fault. That's the pilot's fault. Actually, I said landed when we got to the gate. So I landed like earlier. That's the pilot's fault. It's not my fault. I said landed 15 minutes early. Nothing.

2:43:56I'm like, okay. I walk all the way to the front right before I'm about to make the decision where I can't come back into the airport. I call Hunter at 3.11. So I was, so that's 14. That's 25 minutes. I call Hunter. Hunter doesn't say anything. I then go to the group chat. It has nothing to do with me yet. And I say at 312, I'm going to build a tent in the airport. And then that was at 312. Five minutes later, Harry. Harry texts me. If you're already been waiting to say what 30 minutes in front of Cinnabon. To be fair, you were early. So technically break it even about 10 minutes to when you're supposed to land.

2:44:48That's not our fault. He says, what happened? I said nothing. I'm just giving, I'm just giving. What happened? When he said what happened, I thought to myself, does he even know I'm coming?

2:45:04You're here? Question mark. I thought you got like delayed or something. No. It was three. It was when the plane would be here. I said, okay, so I said, I'm going to pitch a tent. And Harry says, why? But I said, nothing. I'm just giving Hunter a hard time. He says he's going to have a boner at the airport. Shut up. Doesn't it? I'm going to pitch a tent at the airport. And then I said. I got a big old boner at the airport. No one's picking me up. Don't make this one of your bits. Don't make this one of you. No one's picking me up, so I guess I'm getting hard. Don't. no no i said i said nothing i'm here in kansas kansas i'm an indian and i got a tp in between my legs and harry says the audacity by the way harry says do you need a ride one minute later and then 60 seconds and then he says hunter is covered in goo and slime Again, I have no concept of a film or anything.

2:46:07That would be confusing. I'll be the bigger man here, and I will admit that would be confusing. I thought you were shooting a Papa Meat video, and there was some bit where you have Nickelodeon slime on you or something. I'm like, oh, okay, whatever. So I said, LMAO, I can Uber. So I do that, and once again, I walk. Oh, yeah, here's me walking up the driveway at 3.58 p.m. after I got over an hour later I'm walking in and I say are y 'all in the studio once again no one gives me any heads up and Harry says are you outside I'll come get you and then once again walk into a room and I'm just I'm surrounded you know what I'm at fault and then he steps away from the set walks over to me.

2:47:04And the first thing he says to me is look who decided to show up.

2:47:14I forgot about that.

2:47:22You know what? That was rude. That was rude. And obviously there has to be some kind of payback. And you know what I'll do? whenever I go out to visit you next time I'm not going to ask for a ride and I'll tell you what I'll do too I will literally film myself sitting in an airport for an hour I will do that for you I will do that and I'll say we're even and then I'll take an Uber wherever I need to go well it can't be the next trip it has to be randomly one trip you're going to land and I'm just not going to say anything and you're like this is that trip I'll take it I see that's not fair though because you never respond the texts anyways how many times have i texted you sir no no that's completely different okay that's different because how would i know that's because you text me out of the blue and whenever i'm working during the day i'm just a schedule my no no my point is i set my phone away so i don't get distracted i'm real bad about oh so you'll say because because you know that i'm showing up that you'll be looking at exactly okay yes i see because once again i had said two days prior thursday at 3 p.m absolutely yeah no i I'll be the big man.

2:48:28I'll take the high road. I'll admit I'm wrong. I was wrong. I was a bad boy. I should have been the goop suit. Should have reconsidered this. Could have even probably pushed this a week. Probably. I think if my friends started talking like this, I'd be like, why don't you shut the hell up, dude? It'd be like, what are you talking? What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, I just say, what's the life structure to high school? It's like, what are you talking about? You have a full-time job. You work at a movie theater, you're playing video games, and you're like, I need structure. I need structure.

2:49:03I work 40 hours a week. Also, just because it's like you have the idea of like, I work 40 hours at a minimum wage job, which, you know, sure. Is that a career? It might not be a career now, but that's still a lot of things you have to do. I mean, you have to be there at a certain time. You have to do a set amount of goals. They're arguing there's no structure when they have structure. yeah it's like they don't have a I feel like this is he's trying to lead into gay sex is what I think is happening I mean it's kind of it definitely feels like this is one one click away from him being like of David being like why is your pants off and he's gonna be like I don't know why is your pants off I just I just need something I need someone to put me I need someone to keep me in check.

2:49:55I think I'm going to go home. No, come here. Look at my structure. Someone to tell me how bad I am. Tell me how bad I am at structure. I rounded the corner of the house and smashed right into a patio table and chairs. The chairs clattered down and the table tipped over while my body folded around it. My heart was pounding as I untangled myself. That's when David grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me down my face against the edge of the table. I'm telling you, it's gay sex. That is the end of part two. Part two is ending in gay sex 100%. Dude, that would make this a way scarier story. Oh, my God.

2:50:29100%. Can you imagine? He just says, red cabbage, red cabbage. Oh, okay. All right. That's the end of part two. End of part two. And yeah. I mean, you know what? I'll give it this. I'm slowly being kind of bought in. I hope it keeps. I am being bought in not for a legitimate reason. No, no, no. It's getting absurd and silly, and I'm having more fun. The part one, I'm not going to lie, it was kind of like stepping in deep mud. But now it feels like we're having fun. If you imagine him as a super powerful dimensional being. Yes. I imagine he wasn't even running. He was flying. He was floating. He looked like Goku flying.

2:51:16Yeah, I think that feels way better. I'm imagining like angry video game nerd outfit, but he has like Martian Manhunter powers. Yeah, he has the Nintendo orange gun. Yeah. When licking her spoon clean and putting it back in the drawer, she took a knife. It was brutal, ominous, sharp knife. She imagined it in birthed his head and got a feeling again. Wait, did you see it? No, but I saw a crack here. So I said, maybe he's there. Like, for a second, he just shined the light on her. Like, that'll help. Are we recording? Yeah, we're recording. So, Isaiah brought a live to my studio. Hold on, we have to clap, Nick.

2:51:59We have to clap. One, two, three. Isaiah brought a live animal into my studio. Okay. Gave it to Nick, who squeamishly screamed and threw a frog. So, now there's going to be a rotting smell in here because there's going to be a dead frog. Look, look, look. I went outside and I asked him, I said, Oh, can you, can you get the fucking live animal back outside where it belongs? And now we can't find it. So now Nick's walking around with a red blanket and a yellow light. So if you see little streaks of yellow light, that's him looking around on the floor. Okay. I was outside and there was a cute little tree frog.

2:52:32I'm like, Oh, so I'll hold him in my hand. I bring him in. I'm like, Hey Nick, hold your hand out. And he goes, okay. And to be fair, I was kind of doing it in the whole like I've got to bug him my hand like I'm going to freak him out. The moment the frog touched his hand I think he went out. A sweet little innocent frog. I think he went towards Why even bring him in here? I just wanted to show you guys. I thought he was cool I thought he was cute. He had big black eyes He is. And he was green. They're just chilling They need to be outside I just wanted to share with my friends but I think he went towards that book pile but we tore that thing apart and we can't find him so there's a frog in here somewhere he's gonna die nick looks like like a refugee crawling around in the recording what's gonna happen or he's so small that we're gonna be walking around it should be crunch and we're gonna step on him look i'm sorry okay i like frogs i like animals i didn't want him to get hurt i thought nick would be like oh it's cool and then that'd be the end of it.

2:53:37I should have approached him in a scary tone. I should have given it to you. Should have not brought him in. Did you check in the fireplace? Yeah. Yeah, we looked in there. I'm sorry. Okay, what if we just started the episode while he's continuing? Well, he has to look the entire time until he finds him. And he keeps cutting off. To be fair, you should look too because you're the one who brought him in. I mean, yeah, but we've got to record. I'll read it.

2:54:06Also, welcome back to Creepcast. Hey, if you're an audio listener, thanks for listening to this. All right? If you're listening to audio, you're missing the visuals of a man squirming around and Isaiah getting ready to get up and look, too, because I'm reading. I'm taking the fucking bull by the horns on this one. Oh, no, that's a cricket. That cricket. It was on its back.

2:54:37the frog doesn't look like a cricket no I just saw something dead he's not dead that quick if he went to the books he's fine people watching this right now have not seen Nick's face yet and it's kind of haunted you see like the bent over figure of his back this couldn't this is the last of the stories reading as Isaiah's in town and it's going to be, not only is it going to be bad, but it's also we have frog death. Okay, I'm sorry to you and the frog. I wanted to just show everyone a cool frog I found. I didn't mean for it to be. Would you like me to look? Yeah. And I'll take the bull by the horns.

2:55:24Go ahead. We're reading we're reading. Don't fucking say that. You'll find them. Find the frog, free him, and then I'll start over here. We're reading Jane the Killer. So while they're looking for frogs, you guys can watch them look for frogs. We are going to find this frog, so help me God. And easy where you drop the heavy books, you might squash the little motherfucker. I'm sending them over here. They're heavy books. I'm sending them over here to the area. We'll start with Jane's letter, a.k.a. Jane the Killer. On a hot summer night around 4.33 in the morning. You got to look. I don't want you to speak until the frog is found.

2:56:03Well, explain the story. Why are we reading Jane the Killer? It's Jane the Killer. You're like, you don't even exist. You're just as lost as the frog is. All right? If you know anything about creepypastas, Jeff the Killer is a big, big deal, big meme, but there's a female offshoot of it, and it's Jane the Killer. If my co-host didn't lose a frog, he might have more insight in it, but guess what? We're going in blind together. I don't give a shit. Jane the Killer. You stop, and you just keep looking for the frog. If we don't find this frog, it's going to be bad. We're going to be in a bad place.

2:56:41I don't know where he's at. No shit. That's why you got to keep looking. On a hot summer, and I don't want to hear a goddamn peep until you say, oh, I found him, and I don't want any of that cricket bullshit anymore either. Spoiler, there's a cricket in that back corner, Nick. It's not a frog. Oh. Back there? And yeah, the wall's green. It's not the frog. Okay. Have we looked behind the sets yet? There's no... You think I threw him over the set? I think he probably ran back there. He probably hopped back there. He's probably frightened. Now we're going to have PETA on our ass. He already peed on me.

2:57:17But this is the actual official story here, which was Born of Science, James the Killer, which the picture for audio viewers here, we'll put it up on the screen. Stop. Stop. But we're putting the image up on the screen. it says don't go to sleep you won't wake up and it basically looks like an evanescence album cover or something like that stop i want the frog out of the studio alive and well and then nick i don't even know why you're stopping i think he's out what how could you possibly come to that conclusion that is just the sign of a man who doesn't want to look anymore i don't think he's in here did Did you look behind the magic set?

2:58:01You don't think he could hop around that way?

2:58:07You know, this is why we don't bring live animals, and you both should know better. When you threw it, did you throw it? Where did it go once it made contact with your hand? 2002 was a good year for Jane Richardson, losing both of her parents to Jeff the Killer, tackling a job at IHOP as a waitress with barely enough money to get by on it being both mother and father to her little sister Jesse, who was 13 year olds during that time. Quit, quit, quit. Jane's aunt. He's right here. Oh, yes. Oh, okay. Save him. I see him, I see him. Quit. Yes. No, quit, quit, quit. Quit, quit. Redemption. Oh, got him.

2:58:48Hey, buddy. Oh, I got him. I got him. I got him. Throw it to the camera. Wait. Prove that it was actually. I'm afraid of opening my hand. Oh, okay. Hold up. Can I see this one? There's no light on it. Wait. Oh, here. I got a light. You see him in there? Is he healthy? Does he look healthy? He's good. He's smiling. It's not focusing. You got to focus the camera. Oh, here. You want me to do that? Okay. There you go. Oh, he's wriggling. Look at him. He's wriggling. He's a little wet guy. A little slimy dude. All right. All right. Now take him back to his frog family. I can sleep well. Okay. He was cute.

2:59:29Good job finding him. That was all Isaiah. He spotted him. Yes, but you shaked it, and that gave him the motivation to look over. Where'd he go? He's probably going to bring in a fucking deer next. He's going to bring in a rabid raccoon. I'm coming. I'm coming.

3:00:19That was an exciting description for our audio listeners of what the image looks like but if you want to jump in i am more than happy it's a goth chick with i told you that is already that's taken care of yeah for straight for the top we can go ahead then let me ask you something okay before we get into the story i really need you to kind of snuggle in because today's story is going to be a creepy one from a very good author so i'm gonna i'm gonna get you extra scared right at beginning what would you do picture yourself laying in your bed it's like 3 30 in the morning there's a small lamp on illuminating uh the besides your bed right what would you do if there's a man my size completely nude sweaty as you have two options Would you rather he sings beginning of Jackson 5's ABC or if he sings that Gary Jules cover of Mad World that was popular in Donnie Darko?

3:01:26Which would you rather he sing?

3:01:32Can I kill myself? That is out of the question.

3:01:40Then probably ABC. See, I was going to say Mad World.

3:01:48So that tells a lot about us and our sleep paralysis demons. So what's your point of asking that? Welcome back to Creepcast. Today we are going to be reading My Dad Ate Meat From a Deer That Walked on Two Legs. Now, he's acting kind of strange. Isaiah why don't you tell us about this seasoned author that we've read before Oh you just you take me from these scenarios and you ask me questions and I'm expected to perform As if nothing happened this story is from okay this story is from two three She's just during me ABC

3:02:33Baby you hear me How are you saying this? He said excitedly as he pointed at the bizarre being It's a magnapia squid What does that look like? Oh, oh, absolutely not Yeah, this is the big fin squid Yeah, yeah, yeah This thing went around online because someone got a video of one underneath an oil rig just floating in the distance look that up Hunter type that in and tell me that it's the worst thing I would my god I know right what the fuck huge those tendrils are like hell I mean it says here 26 foot long armed squid found in november of 27 by an oil rig 26 feet 26 feet yeah think about how small you'd be next to it yeah you know shack yeah he's not that tall

3:03:40sees sees like a an unspeakable entity underwater how many shacks is that yeah all right so guys we're looking at maybe i don't know probably seven shacks right here are you getting this you guys see this that's seven shacks there's just hold on seven shacks and three championship rings holy shit

3:04:07that guys this thing might be ten shacks long it's just ten shacks long that's ten shacks pull me up that's the picture I just sent you on the wall, but it's just Shaquille O 'Neal.

3:04:28Anytime, anytime they see something, he runs over to the chart. He's like, Oh my God, the shacks on top of each other and see what we're really dealing with here.

3:04:41Captain, you're going to want to see the captain Shaquille O 'Neal. Yeah. Come on, Chuck. Speaker 3 00, you Charles Barkley is down there too. Speaker 3 00, Shaq, I should've told y 'all to go down to San Antonio. I'm telling you. Speaker 3 00, yeah, he sees the squid. He's like, that's that San Antonio woman floating around out there. Speaker 3 00, yeah. The best Charles Barkley quote of all time is he's like, San Antonio women need to learn two words on full. It's like the greatest thing of all time.

3:05:14All right. Speaker 3 00, all right. So that thing's floating around down there. Whoever owned this car previously, they had an adult-sized sleeping bag and a child-sized sleeping bag in the back with a picture attached. That is great world-building. I like more of that. Like, you come across a band of guards with, like, an adult and a child-sized bag. I like how haunting it is to be, like, a family, like, a parent and a kid died. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty creepy. Yeah. They got sucked up, or they succumbed to the red light or whatever. Yeah. Didn't get low enough. Exactly, yeah. Didn't get near the ground.

3:05:45And also like just the haunchiness of like the car door was open. Right. But it was recent. The battery was stripped from your car. It was digging. Yeah. Pretty creepy. And there was a blue light right above. Yeah, that's creepy. That's great. Damn. That's an awesome element. I really like. You know, it'll be screwed up. It's like the moment he drove away. Like. Yeah, exactly. We're taking a piss.

3:06:07Do we do now, daddy? No. I'm going to give you a latitude and longitude.

3:06:15I'm going to go take a nap in the forest forever. Huh? That's so dark. Walk that way, honey. You, like, send the kid towards the ship. Yeah. Don't walk that way. Close your eyes, walk, and count to 7 ,000. One, two.

3:06:38Blah! Blah! Yeah, blah. Blah! He just eviscerates. He's holding the kid up by their legs like, come and get me.

3:06:58We're here. We're here. Yeah. If we don't have the Chevy Malibu, we have nothing. Give up, kid. That was our last hope. Absolutely. I'm in Taylor Hall room 310 and I'll be back in my dorm by 4 today thanks we just came from the paranormal society on campus ugh, I'll say no more yeah, so I'll definitely see you at 4 great is this going to be like a little fucking hereditary thing where you think that it's a person who's like oh, I can help you and all of a sudden it's just like, yeah, by the way that was my boyfriend who jumped and I've been trying to get back with his spirit. I've been trying to give him a vessel.

3:07:51That would literally be hereditary. Yeah, exactly. I'm trying to get a vessel for you and you have a rockin' bod and I think you'd be perfect. What size is your titty cups again? She's trying to get a girl behind the desk. She's trying to get a female body for her boyfriend? No, she's a lesbian. You said boyfriend. I messed it up. The story's now changed. Okay, that's fine. Continue. What titty size cup are you again? D. Okay. Whoa.

3:08:29Bingo, what's his name? When you pause after what size, I'm like, am I supposed to participate here? What size? D. Hi-oh. Bingo was his name-o. I like how the side tangent is you fantasizing about being a lesbian with an attractive woman. B-I-N-G-O. Bingo was his name-o. Touching! Why are you doing all this? No reason.

3:09:06Sometimes you look like a Sesame Street Muppet. The fuck is that supposed to mean? control you have over your face. Like the expressions you make. I'm not a pup. I'm a man. You got heated over that quick. Like immediately. Not a pup I'm a man. Okay. B-I-N-G-O is his name. You have the biggest eyes of anyone I've ever met. What? He's hairy. I got hairy too. Your eyes are huge. Like when you're standing close to you. You look like a Russian nesting doll. What does that mean? what do you even mean by that google pull up a image of a russian nesting doll right now and that's what you look like i know what one looks like but how does that relate to me it's the face that you make it's the face and the contortion that you do it's the way that you present yourself right now yeah what about me is contorted black soulless eyes oh and uh really no emotion on the face just this and i expect that i could go up to you i could pop off here And there'd be an even smaller version of you inside doing this I Would just like I Tell her the other one that was like this big you just like this

3:10:29That's what I expect I do I do that

3:10:38Wow, bro And I keep putting back on until it's just. Wow, dude, you got me. Good, good roast, bro. That's not a roast, I'm just saying. Absolutely flamed me. You know what? Russian nesting doll, I stand by it. What's that even? Okay. Also, it's not a roast, Isaiah. That's just what I think. You just think I'm a Russian nesting doll. That's the most bizarre, like, out of the lip thing. Also, were you roasting me by saying that I have the largest eye you ever seen? I thought that was just an observation. It was an observation, but I was more so saying that's what I was doing too. That's part of the reason you look so expressionate.

3:11:19You can control your expression so well. You have big features that you can manipulate easily. I think you look like a Russian Nessun doll. See, that one has some malice. There's no... In what way? It's my opinion. I said you look like a Muppet because you could make these bizarre facial expressions, which makes sense because you're a comedian and a personality and stuff like that. So if anything, it was a compliment. you just looked at me and you're like you look like a russian doll what do i do with that no what does that even mean russian nesting doll yeah yeah i was here i remember you said russian doll okay what what what am i supposed to get out of that there's a little me inside of me and then a slightly smaller you know i think it was is that actually i unconsciously thought that there was layers to you i guess i was wrong

3:12:06I was nodding well for the record I don't think you're in any danger as much as it sucks you guys are simply a casualty you just need to stay out of room 733 I snorted you want to snort? you're doing the voice lines are you kidding me? I'd never go in there

3:12:32is it going to be like you're going to snore it's like no it's not my job i don't know i believe that i believe i i believe that you believe that

3:12:45he's having a breakdown i don't know he got a little tired a minute ago i think and since then the lines have been like honestly you know i think it is is because i feel so defeated about the russian nesting doll thing that he thought that that was an insult it was before that for one i never said it was a bad thing did i i never said it was a bad thing your feelings you know what i think it did it hurt your feelings that you you called me a russian nesting doll and i said that i just asked what the insult was no no you know you did you looked at me you said you did good burn

3:13:27because i insulted your your my observation my observation it wasn't met as a roast then it wasn't an insult i was wrong in thinking it was supposed to be one well then i want an apology for thinking yeah for saying that i thought that you thought that i thought that you thought that I was roasting you. No. I'm not giving you that. I'm not giving you that at all. Well, for the record, I don't think you're in any danger. As much as it sucks, you guys simply are casualty. You just need to stay at room 733. I snorted.

3:14:03Did you reset just so you could snort again? It's a very natural read. Is he any good? He's well known in it. certain circles. Well, we need those files. I just need to find out where they keep them. Are we sure they even really keep records on Baroska? It seems like a huge liability. That is exactly what I was thinking. Yeah, why would you write that down? What fucking person is just like, okay, and... Five little girls captured today. We put this many people in the shiny gentleman, and we had this many girls boop-bop-beep. It's funny. Boop-bop-beep. Cross my T's and dot my I's and that's the way we do it here in Drisking.

3:14:45It'd be funny if there's like a code for it. And it's like, oh, today we had 500 children reconciled. The shiny gentleman had 300 guests for dinner. We bagged bread and we sent flowers to... We raped women today.

3:15:14This is stupid. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of women. This is... Signed, the Sheriff of Town. Hey, could you be a sweetheart and faxes to us tomorrow?

3:15:41I want this faxed to myself. Fax this to me tomorrow morning. Just so there's record of it in our computer. It's the same paper, they just keep re-stamping. Just want to remind myself that I did that yesterday. Okay, good. I'm reminded.

3:16:00I had some cool history ones. I remember taking stuff where we'd go over, like we had one history class that was like ancient world up to, I think like 1500 BC. so there's a lot of stuff about like the code of Hammurabi and like Egypt and stuff like that and it was cool all that kind of stuff yeah through all the periods and stuff like that talking about what was the epic of Gilgamesh and stuff like that it was pretty neat I also wanted to make a Venus of us dude remember the Venuses it's like back in like the Neolithic era there would be like these statues that they would call Venuses oh yeah big fat thick women you know i mean because it's like because if you were you know big back then it's bountiful you're healthy and whatever else yeah it was a privilege to be fat because yeah i want someone was hard to come by pregnant and all yeah i want someone to make one of me dude make someone make me a venus dude i want that's what i want to be yeah i yeah i'd have a venus way to me i think that'd be yeah why not big ass lips and a mustache just huge all right you know what i wasn't going to bring this up but since you just made that joke i will uh do you think maybe your relation of taking like a uh like a chinese feminism class may have you know related to you just randomly telling me you're gonna murder a japanese lady on a on a train do you think maybe there's some like i think it may be open i think it made me open-minded enough to even have the thought is that oh so it you have to be open-minded to murder a woman in cold blood i think you have to i think you have to be open-minded enough to be able to want to ingest and adore someone's culture enough to visit their country um kill them well exactly and go there and then indulge in whatever you have to in a blind rage because i blacked out yeah an angel told me to do it okay um so back to the story uh i was gonna say it was weird because like i met my wife uh in college right uh and i I remember for a while, like just thinking like, Oh, she's so far out of my league.

3:18:01Like there's no way I'm going to have a chance. And then when I was stupid enough to try it, uh, and now we're married. Uh, so I don't know. There's something about this opening paragraph where it was like, she was talking for class. I figured she had a boyfriend, but I was tired of assuming and stuff. I don't know. I thought, I thought of Kayla there. It was sweet. Cool. And now where I'm an incel. It's awesome.

3:18:28you like this don't you just like the humiliation just uh all right whatever could this thing be anywhere why does it have to be part of the house right i am still like you're assuming that there's one you know how do we know that i didn't even think about that that's a good point you know i don't know way more it could be like a nest of That's what I'm saying. Like some weird fucking bug family. I don't know. Oh, that'd be sick. Would you, what would it take for you to go back into the house? Um, I think that like, to like, I think it would be to go back and help somebody. Like if it's, if it's like, oh, my wife's stuck in there or something.

3:19:13Yeah. You know, like that. Although I really don't know of earthly possessions where you would be like, I can't think of anything I own that would make me go back what about a pet would you go back for a pet yeah yeah I'd go back for my dog I don't know how many guys would you bring with you god I'd give me fucked up as I it would be something where like I'd be like hey Isaiah you want to help me move something and I'd like go in and I'd shut the door I'd hear the rustling and then I'd just make a dead sprint for my beagle and I would leave my bass and hound and I'd leave and I'm like pressed up against the window like oh no you can see like pulling the hair out of my head like yeah exactly and like well it's giant lips kissing the window okay all right you had to you would be the one that as i'm being torn apart would be like he has big lips that's why that thing is funny it would look like its face would be your drawing of me that's perfect that would be its head that's perfect well it's It's a beautiful representation, so you should be happy.

3:20:21Okay. When I said I die, you said that's what I get for what? What were you about to say? Oh, I can't remember. Okay, I'm sure it was something. My asshole is like Alcatraz right now, and a few little prisoners are about to escape if you catch my interest. I wonder how much longer if I keep rambling until you crap yourself on the podcast. I desperately want you just to read so bad. What if I did it, though? It took a while to try to convince my friend to come with me. He was really scared, but I had to get all my stuff. It'll be even longer. Yeah, with me reading no shit. All right. All right.

3:20:58I lived in Point Pine for the first 10 years of my life before we moved summer after my 10th birthday. Once we left, my parents never spoke of it again. In fact, they acted as if it never even existed. And to them, I guess it didn't. I don't really blame them either. I kept, man. I, I keep mush mouthing today. Cause I had as before we started recording, I had a milkshake and it just like completely froze my lips. So anytime I have to say like two consonants back to back, it's rough. Yeah. I mean, big frozen fat lips like that would be hard to throw around if you can't feel them. That felt oddly.

3:21:35No, I'm just saying that if you had giant fat fucking lips like you do and they got all numbed up and frozen, And yeah, it'd probably be like to be like a bunch of down pillows being thrown around. Speaker 2 6 Bill 1st talking about me throwing my lips around feels very suggestive and I'm just saying, and I'm not even saying it, but I'm just saying that if you had large fat, I mean like, like you, your lips could be considered morbidly obese, you know, my, you know, my wife loves these lips actually big fan, big fan. You could ask her. Speaker 4 4 4 Well, I feel's kind of an inappropriate to me, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to now.

3:22:14Oh, so now I'm the one being improvement. I'm the one being inappropriate. We haven't addressed that, that drawing you made of me on the show yet that you decided to do a piece about me. And it was it, it, the lips are so big. Not only do they take up my entire torso, but they lay over my shoes and are like, they hang out to the sides, like drapery. I thought you would have liked it. Okay. I was at a waffle house and a guy walked up to me and said is this you and held up that picture it's true did you say yes or did you say i said i said i said i don't you know you probably said i don't know what that picture you probably said this you probably said oh and you're like sorry i just drank a milkshake but whips or what do you want to talk it's probably what you said i said i don't know who that is i don't know what you're talking about but whoever drew that picture should prop someone should probably call his local FBI hotline and should probably report him for certain threats he has made towards certain people, especially political figures.

3:23:13Um, I also just really, I think something should be done about, but I don't know who that is. I love how childish your sentence was too. And you're just like, I kind of believe it. I drank, I drank a milkshake. And now it's like my mouth are all lived up. It's all weird. Numb. I can't, every time I said back back, that confidence, I can't even do it. It's weird. It was a drink, a big old milkshake. Jerk and pickle. I had to think that you were like a 1950s diner. Like doing a little doo-wop in the parking lot. It was a Sonic. Thank you. All right. So it's basically the new age version of that.

3:23:47Oh, my God. Exhaustion was quickly catching up to me, and I tried to get myself comfortable on the spread of blankets and pillows. Just as Avery was about to leave the room, it spoke. I don't usually do it, but if I start snoring, I give you complete permission to smack me what I don't know dude it's supposed to be fucking cute the shit's like I want to punch a wall shit's just so boring I'm bored I'm not kicking my feet and giggling I'm bored it's like all of the stereotypical like lovey dovey love at first sight kind of thing Yeah, they're in a poly hellscape, by the way, with faceless creatures walking around.

3:24:34Yeah, they're in a space where color doesn't exist, and there's the loss stumbling around, and it's like, you could smack me if you wanted to. I said this quietly, but based on the way he stopped and turned back around, I knew Avery had heard me. No, Dad. He said, but there was something different about his voice. As I looked at him, I saw that he was smiling. not a tight smile or a small one but an actual genuine smile that made my entire body feel warm it was perhaps the most beautiful thing I had ever seen

3:25:11down horrendous down so bad also a person smiling like a fucking psychopath and he's like I feel warm stop feeling so fucking warm all the time butterflies in my tummy imagine and i i shivered but then i was warm imagine the visual of like you just met this guy and it's like hey you can smack me if you want and he's like

3:25:40noted like like just a quote-unquote actual smile starts to form and like there's a lot of these people who like get a lot of flack for taking like supplements But if you're dying and you don't think there's any other option, I don't really blame sick people for being desperate. It's just it's it's it's the it's the faith. It's trying to get some kind of ounce of like being able to sleep with, you know, having something to believe in in this time or something to to latch on to, you know, like, I mean, I can't you blame someone? I just want to be fucking better. You know, I probably shouldn't tell this story.

3:26:19He'd be I don't want to embarrass him. he had the right intentions but my dad one time we had growing up we had a neighbor they were a good friend of ours who uh had cancer uh so my dad god love him was trying to like find all these remedies and like things to help her to make her feel better but he was afraid of like giving her anything so anything that he found online he would try himself first before he recommended to her which is kind of like, if you're going to recommend something to a sick patient, like making yourself try it first is kind of sweet. Yeah. And I don't know what rabbit hole he got into online, but he read a bunch of stuff about you need to oxygenate your blood.

3:27:03Like the more oxygen you put into your blood, the better. So he read something that said like, it's really good if you take hydrogen peroxide, like if you take drops of God. so one day i didn't know about this one day i'm like eight maybe i walk outside on the back porch and dad's doing yard work they're like hey dad can my friend come over and he looks up at me foam running down his face oh my god did you think it was a fucking zombie or something what the what would you think? Like dad, are you okay? And he's like, yeah, I'm just, I'm just, my mouth is kind of dry a little bit.

3:27:50Don't worry about it. And then at the same time we had company over already. And one of dad's friends walks out. He's like, Oh my God. Hey Jerry, beautiful day. just like tons of foam just like gushing out of his mouth so wait does he still do that or no no no that was what i think that was the day he tried it and he didn't oh my god how did you how do you even swallow that shit well he didn't try enough i don't even think he swallowed it i think he like dropped it on his tongue oh and that's what caused his like mouth that's what caused his mouth to foam up and then i feel like now when i see your dad he's gonna have like a purple tongue or his tongue's gonna be permanently green he's like so about peroxide the funniest thing is dad did this like years ago and i'd kind of erased it from my memory and then like a year ago we were talking about it and my mom brings it up and i'm like laughing at him and my dad and my mom's like well it's not it's not like he uh you know took anything he wasn't supposed to.

3:29:04It was like an herbal supplement. Like it was a label he found online. And then from the next room, my dad goes pure pool grade hydrogen peroxide.

3:29:17What a Chad. I love that. He's like, no, I got it at Lowe's. He's like, no, I didn't even go to a pharmacy. I got it at Lowe's or Home Depot. I love your mom being like, I mean, you know, it was it was kind of a weird mistake, but he's just like, I got the good shit. I got it. I got the best stuff they've ever seen. They give hydrogen peroxide to dogs in vet clinics to make them throw up. Yeah. To induce vomiting. Yeah. I love your dad. Just like two drops in your tongue and you'll see angels.

3:29:50He looks at the dog. You're not getting none. The funniest thing was he took, he took two drops and he's like, time to go dig in the yard. Yeah, exactly. All right. I better start digging those holes.

3:30:06daddy could you stop taking your holes we have company i forget about it leave me be the idea of going out though and actually seeing your dad like foaming is such a haunting like that would that that had to have had a lasting like a lasting impact probably but my dad like it was not uncommon for me to be in the house and then i'd walk outside and dad would be like hanging out of a tree and he's like I'm putting a swing set up like a monkey there there is always some bit going on I would come out some days and you just have like weird animals says like the guy at the hardware store gave me this and it's like a squirrel that's biting him or something and then his name's Jim Jim he's a beautiful squirrel he knows how to ride skateboards yeah that would be your dad's your dad sounds like he rules you would like him he's he's absolutely chaotic all the time anyway back to the story i didn't mean to get sidetracked my dad made it into teas and tinctures to treat the burgeoning tragedy building up inside him he'd add water to it saying dilution is the solution to my pollution

3:31:22that's 100 something dad was i was gonna say like i had to read that in your dad's voice i was doing eyes completely glazed over like acid yellow foaming from the mouth dilution is the solution to my pollution hey Isaiah you're just screaming crying in a corner you have like a little uh you have like a Hawaiian shirt on too in the corner curled up in a ball come on let's play catch

3:31:54one of the funniest a couple years ago me and my dad were out skeet shooting and i know we're getting sidetracked but we're at skeet shooting and the we had one of those automatic throwers you hook up to a battery to like you know launch the skeet out yeah and it jammed up so dad goes over to mess with it and he frees it but it flies out and like the metal inch hits him in the forearm and it dug it like dug a trench out of his skin oh sure and it was cut so bad that when you looked into it it like once it quit bleeding you looked into it and it was darkness and you could see like his tendons and stuff down there it was like an open gap in the skin so the rest of the day he's walking around holding his forearm in front of just looking straight into it.

3:32:42And like someone would say something, be like, yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. And he's just staring. And every now and then he would flex his hand. And we were driving. I was driving somewhere and I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I can see stuff moving. He does that for a few minutes and he puts his arm down and he looks at me, goes, Isaiah, I think I'm sick.

3:33:06It's like, well, quit doing that. What do you want? You have an open room. never went and got it taken care of nothing just let it scar over of course not this president dropped hydrogen peroxide on it it's going to oxygenate it make it feel better I gotta put it on my tongue it'll heal my arm exactly make me stronger anyway it was behind me now huge and angry hot breath across my back bring me what I need and I will I woke up before I could turn around the following day I raided my parents' closet for my brother's baby teeth. They keep those things. Giving them all the Ickbar. They got my mom's a psychopath and keeps all my baby, every baby tooth in a mason jar from my nine relatives.

3:33:53Hey, mom, can I get to the mason jar in your closet? Not now, son. Mommy needs to rest. She's like, just wrapped up. She's electric taped down to the sofa. Whatever you need, son. all right mom i love you it's like definitely a kid like emotionally distraught from like his disturbed parents she's like trying to she's like sitting there like peeling back the skin on her fingers sure sweetheart go ahead all right mommy i love you your new nails look nice almost immediately the night terror ceased and i was more or less able to go on about my life as normal from time to time i would have to sneak into my little sister's room and snatch what was meant for the tooth fairy or strangle one of the neighborhood cats brought out his sharp little incisors oh my gosh god come on man sorry kitty I gotta have teeth anything to ward off the vision meow not to interrupt you because I'm sure the movie is awesome but I had an idea I had a thought is it scarier if you're not over the ocean you're by the airport right and every time he's been descending for 30 hours and they pull back up right as soon as they're getting ready to land they're right near the ground he pulls back up and they have to go back around it's like a mental torture right so he goes right now and then after a while the guy's like what the fuck is going on why are we not landing sir it's just an hour okay just give us an hour they're crying right what if what if it's like when he when they land they're like your asshole is going to explode out from your bottom.

3:35:37Your asshole will prolapse and you'll have to shit out your organs to the point where there's people on the plane who are like, I don't give a fuck. I want to get off this plane. And other people are like, sir, think of his asshole. The man's going to die. Whatever. And now you have a world conflict. It becomes like a sacrifice thing. Exactly. He's like, I don't care. Let my asshole become red cabbage and spill out all onto the floor. my gutty works he does that or he's just like well hold on hold on and then he goes and like people start revolting and like one of the passengers comes up to the pilot and he's just like you land this fucking plane or i'll put a bolt in the back of your head he's like how'd you get that gun on this plane god damn it and he's like it's 3d printed i 3d printed he has the back of his head like that would that be would that be a good hook it would be something all right or it's just like as soon as they there's a treaty we live in a world where every time a plane lands someone on the path or how about this, this is even better the woman in the fucking zoot suit walking around dropping stuff she's just like we can't land he's like what?

3:36:47and then they keep coming up to him asking him are you ready to land in 6 hours? yeah that's fine another hour passes Are you sure you're ready to land in five hours, sir? Are you sure? Yeah, that's totally fine. Zoot Zoot one walks by. Please don't let us land. He's like, what the fuck is happening? Four hours, whatever. By like three hours comes by, by three. And he's just like, can I ask why you keep asking me that? She's like, oh, well, you're in the seat where as soon as we land, you have to eat a baby. You have to eat this baby on the plane. And he's like, excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me?

3:37:24He's like that woman in the zoot suit back there dressed like Sinbad from 1992. She we've taken her baby. We've wrapped her in tinfoil and they're like, we're getting ready to put them in an air fryer. And you have to eat the whole thing before people can get off. And there's a guy next to me. She's like, dude, seriously, man, I appreciate you taking this one for the team. Try to tell me that's not a good one. I'm not going to eat a baby. Wait, what the fuck? Thank you. They fly back around. Whatever. And now he's like, we're going to run out of gas. The airplane, the captain comes by. Listen.

3:37:53I had eaten a baby two years ago and I didn't like it. You just have to do it once. No one will ask you to do it again. But if you don't do it, we're going to run out of gas and we're going to crash. We're going to die. You understand me?

3:38:07So is this like a metaphor for like the healthcare system or something? It could be. It could be. Or it could just be a thing about people, I guess, mandating that you have to eat a child every time that you land a plane. You know what? I would say if society did that, that would be bad. I'll agree. You know, I'm glad you said it because I wanted to say it too, but I was afraid, but it is wrong. Right, right. The note instructed me to never open the parcel, but instead put it in a safe that I had no idea existed before reading the letter. The safe itself was filled with more small paper bundles tied with twine.

3:38:40I did as the letter instructed. Sure enough, after their final night, there was blood. It wasn't a lot of blood, but enough to cause concern. how much is an amount of blood to cost? I feel like any amount beyond like a drop would be a concerning amount. Yeah. Even like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Basically. If it didn't look like it was like, oh, someone pricked their finger. I would definitely be like, okay, someone was bleeding in here. What the fuck? Oh, it's just one splash. They just sliced open their forearm. They're probably they just cut their jugular. That's not a concern. That's okay. This, this couldn't be for more than one person.

3:39:19so it's okay don't worry about it definitely six or seven deer it looks like they had a good hunt trip yeah wow the hunting is so good around here yeah they're they're checking out there's just blood all over their clothes and their mouth it's like y 'all have a good hunting trip good time yeah a lot of elk out this season

3:39:42just drenched no one acknowledges it exactly yes my boy

3:39:50yeah yeah midway through the story it's like they all had a distinct transylvanian accent yeah exactly do not worry about it we are fine i love your are you from wisconsin just like totally oblivious to everything it's like is that is that a midwest accent i hear you know i had a friend from chicago

3:40:13it's like like oh you miss your parents you're very stupid yeah they're all they're they're like full-blown dracula they're in the coats with like the count pieces and stuff yeah the windows peek and everything too in their hair yeah the first way is for someone to conjure a spirit by themselves and then die either by suicide or by being killed by someone else the second way is to conjure the spirit into another person by performing a ritual and then sacrifice the victim anyway Horace eventually died the day after he died Godrello Princep killed Franz Fernand that's what triggered World War One

3:41:05the moment he died france ferdinand got shot sending the world into world war one oh god just that look just for anyone out there writing if you ever get to a point in your story where you are suddenly like well here comes the paragraphs where i have to explain things don't just don't just don't do that it's fine if the audience has questions good that's where they theorize it's where it is good to not explain things sometimes which is which made made his prophecy all the more believable. Pretty soon, the entire world started turning into an all-out violence, an all-out violent place. Wars between countries, outcry within them, so much hate and despair everywhere.

3:41:53His members never worried though. They knew one day his spirit would be conjured and they would finally obtain world peace. You know, it's really funny in my head because Harrison's on a bicycle and the guy steps out of a car and he's like, okay they could be here any minute now i'm going to very quickly tell you about this cult and as he's explaining it like you can see their flashlights in the woods getting closer and harrison's like oh can we do this in the car now here's the funny part about this whole thing horse have told them about that they needed to conjure a spirit but he never explained how to correctly do so.

3:42:36That's really cool, dude. Can we get in the car? His reason why was because he claimed that world peace would already be a near impossible task. So in order to obtain it, his followers needed to figure it out how to do it on their own. That's really cool, Doug. So many years later, and I mean many years, went by without any clue of how to conjure Horus. Then, about 25 years ago, a prominent member of the cult named Ferris Kurt made a breakthrough. I am almost positive I heard Amy just now He claimed That the correct way to conjure Horus As his life went on he believed to be an important sign That all of his followers should remember Now in hindsight It was a bad idea to get me a bright yellow bicycle Now Kurt was well known throughout all the camps And members located around the world And when he made the supposed breakthrough Many members started performing the process This is such a long paragraph Whether on themselves or on other people I just heard them say, hey, it's that yellow bicycle.

3:43:34Let's go to the parking lot. Whether on themselves or on other people. Well, long story short, his breakthrough ended up being false. Many members out of excitement that it was finally solved after all this time. Either committed suicide. As a matter of fact, why did you pick an abandoned grocery store? We could have gone to a non-abandoned one. either committed suicide after they believed Horace was inside the bodies, managed to escape the cult and went into hiding. He hasn't been seen since. Even his ex-girlfriend, who is also a well-known member of the cult, has supposedly never been able to find him.

3:44:14You could have at least called a friend, maybe? A buddy, someone to be in the parking lot with us? I can't even get reception. If I wanted to call the police, I could have. Long story short. They are across the parking lot. I see them right now. They're right there. Long story short, even though Kurt may have been wrong. Doug, I'm going to steal this car from you. Long story short. Drive out myself. Long story short, even though Kurt may have been wrong initially, many people believe they did have to recite a sermon, but it had to be the right one. There are over 3 ,000 pages in this book, so there would be a lot of stuff to dig through and figure out.

3:44:48Go ahead.

3:44:52I stood there in disbelief. Yeah, take that in. just in a parking lot just standing around uh okay so i was granted i was like memeing during that whole thing but so the this original horace guy made a cult based off a native religion after he slaughtered them and then after he dies a bunch of other cult leaders come forward and these the people from the camp are their followers right yeah that's pretty much everything that was said without as many words right yeah yeah i stood there in disbelief while listening to everything does doug was explaining to me honestly couldn't tell if this guy was being serious or not still kept quiet and let him continue oh he's not done long story short the killings and suicides kept happening long story short more members kept joining and those members would marry and have children.

3:45:49Long story short, that's one of the reasons why the camps were set up about 30 years ago. Can we at least sit in the car? We don't have to drive yet. That's one more step removed if we need to get out of the parking lot. Thanks, Caleb. Y 'all take care. We both took off in opposite directions. Henry watched as Caleb disappeared on the horizon and then stared at our rows of corn the rest of the way home. As we pulled into the driveway, Henry said, Mr. Scarecrow doing a good job today. Alright, nope. nope nope all right henry you're going in that balloon i'm gonna light it myself that's exactly that's like the thing like the babadook i would beat that kid with a fucking hammer you know what i mean good lord mr scarecrow mr scarecrow is doing a good job today what just the idea of like a kid says one freaky thing and you're like just the most brutal way to murder for someone.

3:46:41I would do, oh yeah? Oh yeah, Mr. Babadook's scary. You know what else is scary? Mr. Phillips. Yeah, you know what's also scary? My fucking ball pin hammer. My DeWalt ball pin hammer. He nodded just as he was about to step out the door. However, you heard a booming noise off in the distance. What in the tarnation was that? He asked, peering out towards the field. Transformer exploded. Too loud for that. I know she meant transformer like a power transformer must be Optimus Prime

3:47:21I guess they're go box like star screams like exploding over the field I'm going to kill you transformer exploded I guess it's Megatron and Optimus Prime fighting out the cornfield again do you mean that the go box and the Decepticons are fighting again. There, Mia. That's right, Spencer.

3:47:48They have to do this battle in order to obtain the cube. What's the name of that cube in those movies? The Allspark. They're trying to fight for the Allspark, man. Well, I guess that maybe they're trying to go out and find the Allspark instead of hitting the well out back. But be sure and throw a tarp over it. It's going to be a long night. Yes, ma 'am.

3:48:21That's the idea of these two rednecks. There's like 30 foot tall robots like rolling. Shooting guns. Like stray bullets are hitting the house every now and then. Yeah. Henry's just like, I can't believe what I'm saying. this is going on and they're used to it that's like a hot air balloon oh my god the hard air balloon i've never seen that before that's incredible

3:48:52their tractor is like transforming into like a sentient robot it's getting like fucking murdered oh god

3:49:03go with christ tractor you're not gonna make it this time the hot air balloon turns into a transformer they're like oh just another one of those yeah um boring i'm bored his father opened up his arms expecting a hug from his wife but she walked past him and put her arm around toby's shoulder started leading him inside. Connie? Her husband began in a raspy voice. What? No welcome home hug, huh? Wasn't Connie the name of the wife in Dionea House? It all is full circle, isn't it? It is awful. Little wines. little wines are open all over the driveway hold on is this let me make sure i'm right it all comes full circle what baby you don't you don't want to give me a hug is it actually that's his wife

3:50:15yes he's back i love it yes what what eric eric that's his name yeah it's eric's wife So you're not going to give me a welcome home hug, baby. You're going to have the weird Tourette's kid. He's always, he's got an Adderall addiction. Hold on. He's hooked on pills. Was it Eric or Mark? I can't fucking remember. Yeah, whichever, whichever one eat me like a bug is, his wife was Connie. Exactly. That's him. So now this is the ending of that story. He did it. Yeah this is where it picks back up Luckily We're building the universe His son is Sticky Toby The creepypasta universe All is connected These little doorways

3:51:07Yes he's back again Oh man Okay so yeah She ignored her husband's obnoxious words And walked past him with her son under her arm Hey He's 16 Hey, he's 16, he can walk by himself. His father began to follow them in. He's 17. Connie glared back at him before opening the door to the house. Okay, what are you fucking mother time? You just know everybody's age? Fuck you, Connie. Wait, you guys, you're best friends with him? You just know his birthday then? Off the top of your head, what's his birthday then? Well, you think you're better than me because you were there when he was born? Oh, so, okay.

3:51:53So, you know, this is 360, 17. Good for you. Good for you, baby. That's why he's so pretty. He's so smart. He's still in the flower pot. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm going to have to shuffle over and come give me a kiss.

3:52:12Hey, Toby, pancakes, right? He loves them. I'm fucking with you I'm fucking with you Connie I went to that teachers meeting the other day and there was a teacher there who gave me a lot of Adderall there was a teacher there he gave me a big handful of Adderall and I took off him I drank those high lives like you said I shouldn't but I did and Daniel Rupes I'm a cake it hurts it hurts bad he called Sonic it It's your good sack. Give me some petal piss. My heart's. Toby's just standing there listening to all of this. Yeah. He's like still moody and stuff. He's sitting. He's sitting. No, no, no. He's he's on the front porch, but he's on like a, he's like on the, like a bench on the side of the house.

3:53:00And he's like sitting like a L from death note. He's like, you guys are stupid pancakes. What's the death note character. That's like pale white with the black hair. Yeah. L that's L. Is that L? Okay. Yeah, I think it is. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. that's who i see that's who i see in my mind that's why that's how he's sitting on the on the guard on the on the bench and his dad's just did a flower pot oh man connie connie was like a biblical level pull for us right there god it's beautiful the days went by and things continued on as they were connie spent most of her time cleaning the house and her rude husband spent most of his time ordering her around just like how it used to be before the crash It's so funny to imagine like the guy in the flower pot and then L from Death Note is just touching him gently.

3:53:51Rubbing his arm. I also like how he's like, he touches his arm. I need to have him. He needs to be more like, don't touch me, boy. Way more aggressive. Hey, don't fucking touch me. And you clean up that over there. Yeah. I'm the man of the house.

3:54:19Excuse me. I have to go back to the beer drinking factory. No, excuse me. I have to go to work. He pops up in two, two tiny wines. Oh, just doing overtime today, boys. Another day in the office. Another day in the office. You know, I tell you, Connie, I wish one of these days, God would kill me. I tell you, Connie, there's some days I wake up. I wish you're gone. Some days I wish I wake up and Sandman would take you away in your dreams I wish some power would have the ability to do what I cannot I wish I was braver I wish I was a brave man She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You don't want to kill me?

3:54:59I just wish I had a spine, Connie That's all Sometimes I just wish I had a spine

3:55:08Toby never really left his room He was sat by his bed and tremble his mind would wonder but his thoughts changed too fast to be remembered he would pace around his room like a caged animal stare out the window the unhealthy cycle continued Connie continued to be pushed around by her husband being way too submissive to him and Toby remained in his room make me a sandwich oh oh god hey give me the remote oh okay fine hey Go get Go plant a flower Oh my god Okay fine Is that your depiction of what spousal abuse Looks like In this scenario yes She was too submissive to him I like to think he's just like Go check out the trash Okay fine Definitely nothing else unseemly Please just keep your voice down my I give me a cosmic brownie from the pantry

3:56:19that's all and then Toby's upstairs just twitching

3:56:30oh he turned away and held his arms he felt like he actually had control over himself like he did for the past few weeks since he got home from the hospital he actually had complete thoughts for just moments before

3:56:53like toby's standing behind from his pov it's like a dark room with like the only light being the glow of the tv and it's just like it's just like outlining the silhouette of a giant flower

3:57:13and it's still l it's l looking down at a giant fucking it's l looking down at a giant fucking flower it's like him from the back of the room standing at the corner he just he's like the silhouette and like it's funny i like to think that he's doing idle animation like the flowers doing idle animation like it's a fucking cuphead boss yeah it's like the daisy from plants versus zombies just like bobbing side to side or the sunflower the sunflower and it's funnier to imagine because you brought up earlier how like um the that he describes earlier that his dad hit his mom but the only stuff we've seen happen in the story is that she was quote-unquote too submissive and then you brought up like what if he's just like hey babe you care to can you get the remote for me and she's like uh sure like like he's completely happy there's no abuse happening like the worst thing that he's done he's just like yeah this place is dirty clean it up he's like one of those guys like completely undeserving we've heard we've heard from toby first off that he's an unreliable narrator that he was a drunk that didn't show up to his sister, Lyra, who was dying in the hospital because he was drunk.

3:58:30But then also we've heard that, oh yeah, he grabbed his mom by her hair and pushed her to the ground. But all we've seen so far is that she's like, you want me to make you a sandwich? And he's like, yeah! And then he walks over and touches his arm and he's like, don't touch me! That's it. You would think that he would slap him. He's like, don't touch me, boy! Hits him. So because the character is now Eric in my mind, it's funnier to imagine there's no actual abuse or anything bad happening and he's just a happy sunflower on the couch and his son has decided to murder him that's it flower boy that's it flower bitch you're going down he's like he's like watching Animal Crossing let's play on the TV just happy kicking his feet in a flower pot and his son's about to stab him to death

3:59:23that was it the last thought he had before he fell into an idle state once again the influence of the voices in his head was too much he began to silently walk up behind his father he reached oh yeah

3:59:40he reached oh he reached over the counter to the knife in the case he grabbed it in his hand he felt the sensation take over his chest he let out a snicker

4:00:08he's like yeah i like how the dad is like hearing his laugh he's just like whatever dude can't be that funny like the idea of the dad has the giant flower arrangement around his head every time he turns his head he knocks everything on the table over where are you laughing at like over like the room's just illuminated by the TV and his son starts laughing and you can see the giant shadow turn slowly just take out a lamp as he turned it around what's got you all tore up what the hell what are you snickering back there for boy hey son you want to come watch Animal Crossing Let's Plays with me yeah I've just been watching the zoo butt commercial over and over again on repeat come down here he went to sit up and put his arms out in front of him in self defense but before he knew it Toby was on top of him He went to grab his neck, but his father reached out and blocked his hand by grabbing onto his wrist Stop!

4:01:16Get off me, you little fucker! Yelled, and with his other hand, he threw an off-center punch towards Toby's shoulder But he didn't stop

4:01:30The look

4:01:34I'm sorry Did you dig that? What do you think about this? just the visual of his mom coming downstairs and toby like is like on top straddling his dad but his dad has his feet in a comically large flower pot he's rolling around god damn it trying to get out of it

4:01:58damn you toby you know how like when you're a kid and you're like one weakness you know when you're a kid and you're fighting with siblings like you'd be on the ground and you would like windmill your legs so they couldn't get close yeah the dad's doing that with the flower pot he drove it deep into his dad's chest and repeatedly stabbed into his torso blood spilling out and getting splattered everywhere he didn't stop until his father's body went still he threw the knife over to the side and leaned over his body coughing and panting he stared at his father's smashed in face and sat there. Hell yeah.

4:02:43You already know what I'm thinking. It's like the face is smashed in, but it's got like it's got like the flower petals around it.

4:02:55So your aunt brought you here? What about your mother? What did she have to say about all this? Juggled softly.

4:03:20This is implied. That was the story.

4:03:29Are you giggling in a British accent?

4:03:34Sorry. I was doing it actually got me pretty good. I have no memory of my mother. My father told me she died after I was conceived. I was mainly raised by my aunt. Oh, I'm sorry. I know the feeling. My mother died when I was young too.

4:04:01Speaker 0 7 000 News 5x14 7

4:04:33Speaker 2 2 0 0 0 1 J okay. Now that that'sclips unusable. We're good to go. We went quiet for a minute. Why don't you just leave? I suggested breaking Speaker 2 0 0 0 you're not a little girl anymore. You don't have to stay here now. It's a little much emotion, I think. Come on. You're not directed this. I'm going to read it however I want. I'm directing it now because you have taken this under your own reign. You don't have to stay here now. He didn't just explode into that level of emotion. Why don't you just leave? I suggested breaking the silence. You're not a little girl anymore. You don't have to stay here now.

4:05:22We have to keep the previous lines too so everyone can see what you're trying to do to this story. That's completely, it's not earned that yet. You're acting like they've played ACDC or something. I'm just reading it. That's why I think the story resonated with so many people because they're, okay, actually, you know, we're doing the thing again where we describe something without the audience being privy to. It's why we just read the story. I was going to say, you also found that dead body in the woods and you also had that homeless guy with the being. you are rewriting history I did not find a dead body I went looking for a dead body in the woods you found that dead body in the woods and your dad said do not tell anybody and there was also the homeless guy in that house or whatever and your dad said not to tell anybody about that too right

4:06:11I've been no I've been looking I've went looking for dead bodies in the woods multiple times actually why multiple times because what did you miss one was the story i talked about in the first episode or whatever where it was a couple that went missing that we knew right and the other was for hurricane helene when there was like body recovery in the mountains after the flood and all that i really like how you said helene hurricane helene yes very sassy and also the second time was for hurricane helene yes yes because you're coming at me with this but i never found the homeless man the homeless man was my dad's best friend and i did that because of hurricane helene i found on that one i found bodies but it was because a cemetery had been dug up and there were bodies from that out but they were all bodies people were aware were dead so that wasn't like a casualty recovery thing that was just like they're over there what are you what is a zombie invasion those are bodies that of people knew were dead yeah well i hope yeah because it's because a cemetery a cemetery got like ripped out of the ground oh because of hurricane helene

4:07:28hurricane helene

4:07:33well me and daddy went to the cemetery to find some dead bodies of course that was brought on by hurricane helene i'm not defending you for this one when they when you get the comments, the tweets and stuff. I'm not saying anything. Come on, man. We're buddies. We're having fun. We're searching rescue officer. Next time, I'm going to tweet and be like, no, he did get banned because of the thing he said about Hassan. That is what happened. You know, I just got to say I had an emotional reaction to losing a game of Magic the Gathering and I will not apologize. I refuse. Just the same way. Just the same way.

4:08:12All of Twitter immediately made it into a conspiracy about Twitch. And that's why you got banned. I know. I don't know why that happened. Can you tell them what happened to your mom? My mom was contacted by TMZ for whatever reason, because I'm sure it was some phishing website where they thought my mom's number was my number or something. But my mom was like, you know, my mom was like, I just got a text from someone named Todd at TMZ. and I was like I don't I was like do not respond to that and she just text back oops so good job Hunter's mom but TMZ wanted to see why you were banned from Twitch that's how annoying it got next time I'm gonna be like yes it was because of what you think it was over and also he made fun of flood victims you should throw that in there as well Hurricane Helene

4:09:06okay we're just gonna You said it so sassy. There was definitely, I was like, I flicked his wrist when he said it. He had some sass with it. A little whip. Whipping the nay-nay a bit. Hurricane freaking Diki Helene. I'm a search and rescue officer for the U... Okay. Are we getting into this? No. Yes, we are. The story, yes, we are. Okay. I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not sure I trust you. Likewise. Well, I guess that's that then. The way that reads to me... Cool. The way that reads to me... well I guess that's pretty much the end of this then the way that reads to me is like it's like an entity that's trying to coax him when he says no it's like okay and kind of like turns away did you see sinners no okay you have to say I'm trying to reference it to something else just an entity that's trying to convince that to coax him away Go ahead, make your bet.

4:10:07Okay. I guess this is where we part ways. Okay, all right. You get it. Also, too, you can't answer the question. We don't have time for this. You texting back this is taking longer. Well, Daniel's clearly been. Yes, he's clearly fucked. But the humor in that for me is that the alien is like, he does a fucking Jim Halper. Well, I guess this is where we better do. it's like where the fuck did you pick that up from alien glib glorb glob glib

4:10:45erm glibby glorb well glorb my glib glorb you're gonna want to glib this

4:10:59the one tube ran into a container that would collect jane's blood and shipped the american red cross for patients who had the same blood type as jane see what i mean it's just like hey this is where blood goes so you know wait is this implying that the secret lab that's taking out her blood to put new chemicals in it are like well we should probably donate yes yeah because they're good guys yeah yeah the perfect blood type we should give it to the people would probably need this the right people do this will save lives we had the same blood type as jane and to receive a healthy blood transfusion the other tube was attached to the container holding the liquid So in a way, this was just

4:11:50So in a way This was just like an embalming fluid prep setup But with an experimental liquid

4:12:04You know That's all it's like There was somewhere else in the story that, what was it? You know, a dentist's office. Yeah. It's like that chair. No, come on. It's describing that whole. They're removing all my blood. Like a dead body. They're going to take out all her blood and donate it to the American Red Cross for healthy blood transfusion. They're going to put me in a pretty chest and do my makeup and put me in a coffin. And then they're going to fill you with liquid hate. So kind of like an embalming process. Think I got embalmed. But with an experimental liquid. third or fourth morning after i met him he greeted me with a large smile on his face i have a new game we can play we have to wait until after your mother comes to check on you because she can't see us play it it's a secret game man these stories would be terrified if they were just about like pedophiles that's i mean that is 99 of them honestly yeah yeah if it was just about like a man who's like you won't have to tell your mommy anything terrifying but it's always like the game is we have to eat a cat or something like that.

4:13:10We have to kill your sister. That doesn't really seem like a game to me if I'm being honest. No, seriously, just take this hammer and hit her in the head five times. It'll be fun. Wow, I'm scared. This is crazy. It's like a gang initiation. It's like okay. after my mother delivered more books and soda at the usual time mr wide mouth slipped out from under the bed and tucked my hand we have to go to the room at the end of this hallway he said i objected at first as my parents had forbidden me to leave my bed without their permission mr wide mouth persisted until i gave in i really don't think i should go sorry come on are you sure about this sir i really don't think that i should i've been pretty sick actually no seriously i have something super funny to tell you down here come here the room in question had no furniture or wallpaper his only distinguishing feature was a window opposite the doorway mr wide mouth darted across the room and gave the window a firm push flinging it open he then beckoned me to look out at the ground below we were on the second story of the house but it was on a hill and from this angle the drop was farther than two stories due to the incline.

4:14:31I like to play pretend up here. I pretend that there's a big soft trampoline below this window and I jump. If you pretend hard enough you bounce back up like a feather. I want you to try. You should totally kill yourself. I don't think I'm gonna I don't think it's a good idea. No, you should totally just jump out this window and kill yourself.

4:15:02mom just do it as a fun game I swear you'll bounce up it'll be really cool like a feather

4:15:16I was a five year old with a fever so only a hint of skepticism darted through my thoughts as I looked down and considered the possibility it's a it's a long drop Well, that's all part of the fun It wouldn't be fun if it was just only a short drop If it were that way, you may as well just bounce on a real trampoline We wouldn't want that That sounds great, where's one of those? No, that's totally gay You're not Mr. White Mouth You can't say that stuff, seriously You're gonna get yourself in trouble Mr. White Mouth is pretty homophobic That's actually pretty insensitive I wish you wouldn't say it.

4:15:57No, I'm just saying that it's totally gay.

4:16:04Mr. Wide Mouth, you can't be problematic. Mr. Wide Mouth, I just, could you just stop saying that, please? Just stop being gay or just jump out the window. I'm five. I'm five years old. I have a fever. And that seems kind of harsh. It's healthy. Do you feel like you're bullying me? I think I'm being pressured into this. Dare program time, but I'm not going to do it. There was no telling how you would come across this person. No when or how. All anyone knew was that it would eventually happen. We were allowed to tell other people, allowed to ask around, try and seek out people that had the same name as the one on the paper.

4:16:50But it didn't matter. It couldn't be forced. Isaiah, I sent you a message real quick if you can check it out. This sounds all right. So I was hearing a series of discord dings and I'm like, I wonder what that could be. And Hunter has said, this sounds like Portland, Oregon, but he spelled Portland P O R T L A D N. And then he said some words I won't repeat. And then referred to those people as disgusting dogs. I was trying to, When you're reading, I was hoping that you'd look over for a second, see it and break. But no. The funniest part. The funniest part is that you didn't spell fit right the first time.

4:17:38Instead of editing it, I was like, oh, fuck it. I'll just retype it. You just said it again. And let's get into some Red Tower, dude. Let's get Ligoti me up. Let's get Ligoti. How do you make that a nice? because people say I'm creeping my cast all that stuff how would you do that with Ligoti? I'm licking my goatee just immediately I also hate how childlike that was I'm licking my goatee I'm not licking I'm licking my goatee I'm licking my odie I'm licking my odie I'm licking my odie we're about to lig our odie I'm about to lig my Odie. I'm about to lig that Odie all over the place. Spread me open and lig my Odie.

4:18:29You always somehow, regardless of what the conversation is, you come back to spreading or... Split me open. Split me open until you see my Odie. That's your classic move. It's all I know. Spread, smear, scrape. She smeared my lig until I get my Odie. Oh, that's rough. We like that. She creep in my cast till I... You creep in my cast till I lig my Odie. Yeah, that's good. I like that. See, now it's going. She creep in my cast till I Odie. So after we've already besmirched this man's name, we should be... Now we're primed to be won over by his beautiful story. How has the job been treating you? He asked.

4:19:11His stitched up lips curled into a smile as he came around the counter and wrapped an arm around me, causing me a decent amount of discomfort. As I mentioned before, King Creole has button eyes, stitched up mouth, and a head being kept on his shoulders by some stitches. He always wears a nice black suit and a dark purple tie and a top hat. Yes, even in... He dresses like a pimp for some reason. Travis is his newest slut.

4:19:40I didn't mention that I'm forced to sit up front in a garter. And show my legs. Yes, even indoors. and yes, I know he looks ridiculous. But look, man, I'm trying to keep this job as long as possible, so don't blow this for me. It's going okay, Mr. Creole. I said awkwardly. Still at this point, weirded out by his looks and his unnaturally chalk-white skin. Nodded happily at me and gave me a good smack on the back. Because we described him as being dressed like a prostitute.

4:20:16That's my boy. how exactly does that work yeah i gotta be yeah i gotta go get my boss to handle that wait here while i go get him i asked her and she nodded still a bit skeptical about this place and i really don't blame her about that at all if i'm being honest getting off my stool i stretched a bit and made my way over to the king's office flinching i'm sorry we've we've already ruined like this setup to make because now in my mind like she walks in and he's just like a t-shirt normal he's like yeah let me go get my boss when he comes around the counter one testicle popping out of the phone sorry about that skirt yeah sorry it's a company policy i have to wear it i'm sorry i'm sorry now you go clock in you know what they say yes you do need it because despite everything that's happened to you your only attempt to fight back was pathetic i need you to put your game i need to put up your game and fight harder so that's where some motivation kicks in he reached his left hand into his pants pocket and pulled out a smartphone he tapped on it a few times before holding it up to his ear it's me he said when the other line picked up put her on

4:21:34oh my gosh he has a mom that's kidnapped his girlfriend he has hired the italian he has hired the italian mob to kidnap xander's girlfriend this is awesome also i just want to know this is this is going into the exact harvey dent and rachel joker arc in the dark night all right yes yeah she's in a warehouse she's in a warehouse and she's gonna blow up very soon and he's like clark can help you too so Clark's in one building about a blow up and Katie's in the other exactly like Xander it's time to decide it's like in my head 24 5 yeah you remember that scene where in the first Spider-Man movie when the Green Goblin's holding Mary J and the cart full of kids yeah yeah little children

4:22:29If you imagine David in the green goblin costume He's in the full green goblin outfit You have to be motivated He's kidnapped Katie so he'll just try to ruin his life And follow along with some stupid dare Is he crazy He's going to be caught Let's hope so We should start planning I'm not taking any chances while he has Katie Okay man I want nothing to do with this at all But I also want to help you If it was anyone else I'd nope the fuck out Then let's get started

4:23:12He's become He's become the Alfred to his Batman Yes legitimately I was going to say Alfred or Robin He's just like well I didn't know that I could be a vigilante But since you're Batman man, I guess I'm going to be your sidekick. Master Wayne. Some people just want to watch the world burn. Some people need. What was the line they kept saying? Motivation, the minimum required effort. Some people just need minimal effort to be motivated. Some people need minimum required effort, Master Wayne. The size of a tangerine for minimal effort.

4:23:50he's doing Xander's doing all of this in full Dark Knight cosplay he's 78 year old Michael Caine sitting on his back so I thought you were trying to ruin my wife I'll have Katie and I'll plan on blowing her up if you don't try to ruin me wife

4:24:10my god Xander you look so much more different some people just want to watch the Michael Caine bit has it has got to end oh well no in my head Clark is Michael Caine in my head David is is now Michael Caine no David's the Joker that's the whole thing he's like he's ethereal he's like an agent of chaos okay yeah my father would also tell me stories about his own childhood my father my favorites were always about the dog he had growing up named rex hunting dogs does that remind you of anything hunter that tell you of anything i close my eyes only for a moment and the moment's gone my dog is dust in the wind my little popper is still dust in the wind every time i open up the subreddit it's still just post of like wheelchairs with machine guns mounted to you dude yeah you big lip son of a bitch you're ruining my life you're welcome you couldn't get out if you wanted to you know that you're sounding very much like a evil Scott right now yeah well look you're my Christine hopefully you can satisfy me in this life Jesus come on man you're the one who said you wear the leather dress you're the one who said you wear the leather dress I close my eyes only for a moment and the moment's gone my asshole is dust in the wind how's that pleather feel Christine you feel good daddy we're cutting all that Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.

4:26:08We're cutting all that. The following morning, Mr. Widemouth arrived, told in a small box. I want to teach you how to juggle. Here are some things you could use to practice before I start giving you lessons. I looked in the box. It was full of knives. Ah! Blah, blah, blah. My parents will kill me. I don't think I can.

4:26:45fucking box full of broken glass of knives can we start with maybe like a towel maybe a pillow maybe a ball or something just a soft just a soft like a baseball ball or something. I'll even bend the knee to a ball like a baseball. Don't be gay. Don't be gay. Oh, Mr. White Mother, I don't think that language is appropriate. I just think that the knives and the use, I think you're kind of a bad guy. I think you're not a nice person. I think you're actually kind of a not very well put together person. Come on, seriously, just juggle these sharp rusty knives. Don't be gay.

4:27:40push the box away i can't i i'll get in trouble i mean knives aren't safe to just throw in the air mr wide mouse frowned deep into a scowl he took the box of knives and slid under my bed remaining there the rest of the day i began to wonder how often he was under me you know what you are very you are unappreciative I mean I'm so sorry I just I can't do it this is kind of weird fuck you you know what I get it okay tell me you're not fine whatever you're just not cool I guess you're just totally not cool fuck I'm sorry man I just I'm fucking scared you're scaring me this is a lot Yeah, it's like, fuck sakes, I can't I can't fucking juggle knives, man You're freaking me out No, whatever, I'll just chill under here.

4:28:39Well, let me come with you No, you just stay up there Alright, well, I'm sorry Jeez, dude, gosh I mean, I can't fucking jump out a window I'm fucking sick Fuck Open the faucet and began splashing water onto my face. Natalia washes her face, but she doesn't seem to realize that it is much easier for someone to attack when her eyes are closed. That's so fucked up. That's so fucked. She's completely fine in there, but just says stuff like that. He's like, I have a trident. You're like, what? Nothing. I really didn't say anything. Why would he have a trident? I don't know. You tell me. Poseidon, God of the sea.

4:29:33I don't know. I goof around. It's what I do. I like to have fun. I'm a silly man. I'm silly. I'm silly.

4:29:44Anyway, do you want to kill yourself today? Yeah. Why don't you put this in your mouth and jump on it? put this in your mouth and jump on it just hop up and down it'll be fine I swear I'm fucking with you I'm fucking with you it's a joke calm down it's a joke you're so serious you'd be much prettier if you smiled

4:30:14there it is he's like he's like a passively misogynist it's like, yeah. It's like one day she just realized and she was like, yeah. Actually he was like a misogynist this whole time. He just really amps it up. Are you seriously wearing that today? You should try wearing makeup. She's just like, I, I dude. Oh, maybe your boss will give you that promotion. If you dress better, if you smiled nicer, why don't, why are you working? Shouldn't you try cooking you like that. That stresses you out less. Or no, he's doing it in like the third person thing. So as she's getting ready for work, he's like in the corner and he's like, Natalia thinks that she will be fulfilled by continuing her day at work.

4:31:00Little does she know, she would be much happier as a stay-at-home mom. She's like, excuse me? And he's got like a red pill podcast in his ear. He like pulls out his bud real quick. Like, nevermind. Natalia looks at baby clothes online, even though her eggs are totally dry. She's far too old. Little does she realize she should have had this revelation 12 years ago. Yeah. She's like, why are you doing this? You just like shrugs. I like to think too. He just shrugs all the time. Yeah. She asked him. He's like, oh, he does the Jim Halpert like lip thing. And he just shrugs.

4:31:38Don't shoot the messenger. She looks over every now and then. And he just like, he started shaving his head, smoking cigars. He's just becoming, he's just getting red. over time um anyway yeah this story so you talking about being a psychic and whatnot her voice should we uh reread that line too that way i'm not i'll reread that line since you were uh seeing visions from the heavens yeah i fucked uh yeah i think i think you should normally i would be like it's okay but i think you should feel sorry for this one in particular so her voice had reduced me to a teenage version it was what jesus christ oh i don't know Oh, my gosh.

4:32:16My eyesight was way off. I read Teenager Again and Visions. Jesus Christ. Her voice introduced me to a teenage virgin again. That's what I thought he said. I saw Visions and like my, okay. Talk about premonitions. You're saying something good. You're like, I just want to have sex so bad. Shut up. Shut up. Her voice had reduced me to a teenager again. visions of her watering her flowers and walking her dog occupied my mind for the rest of the evening there is that better that's good okay i'm gonna get um our um who's the other guys i can sell you for uh flash kits i'll do it with me i'm sure he was bouncing from employee to customer to office like a bad game of pong i didn't bother seeking him out i knew that he would come and find me when there was time for a breath of air in the middle of me reaming out a, whoa, in the middle of me reaming out a bus boy, Paulina, get your shit together right now, dude.

4:33:19You did that. You did that. That is what it says. Teenage, teenage virgins. And then you're like reaming out a bus. That is read it. Read it. What does it say in the middle of me reaming out a bus boy, Paulina strode past. There you go. What got my interest were the earrings Michaela wore in these photos or the necklace her mother wore at the press conference or the watch on her dad's wrist. So I dug deeper. It became clear that the Murrays had money. A fair good amount of it. After entering Jerry from the... Entertaining Jerry. Uh-oh. I think Isaiah's caught himself a fly. He's a little bar fly as well.

4:34:04He's like, uh-oh, someone's in my web. knock knock jerry who's there i i said that and i'm like all right well that was like a trap card for hunter yeah it didn't feel like pot of green yeah hunter gets to draw three additional insults from his deck yeah you're gay

4:34:32that's just pot of green steel I wish instead of drawing three cards you could just call your opponent gay that'd be funny I mean you can after entertaining Jerry from the bar and stealing his jacket I ripped a butt late that I what I ripped a butt late that night what does that mean I think it means I think it means I think it's a might be euphemism for weed or I maybe think of a cigarette butt but it is funny it is funny if you saying entering Jerry into Amelia I ripped a butt I play pot of greed your game there goes another one

4:35:27anytime i misspeak from here on out i can just hear the sound effect

4:35:34it was a box of high quality paper and envelopes personalized with my initials at the top of the sheets of paper and on the back fold of the envelopes as a 20 year old as a i'm sorry as a 70 year old man i don't know why we said 20 whatever as a 70 year old man i would probably have thought that's okay i don't know why i can't read all of a sudden it's okay gift of the gift of um uh what is the literacy the gift of literacy has been taken for me we arrived at the office store of the historic preservations also i just gotta say it is so satisfying to hear this town's poor well here's the thing like they they can't even afford a road plow good i'm guessing i'm wondering if they're just if there just hasn't been enough chill like i'm wondering why the snows aren't plowed and they're like oh yeah things are closed down they obviously don't have enough manpower to maybe clear the roads like i wonder what's going on there's just we haven't been we haven't gotten a reveal yet what's going on it'd be really funny if it's like it's like the press gods and everyone doing the human trafficking is like yeah all our job opportunities went overseas like you know this you know these tariff restrictions and stuff really running this country dry american production's losing out like foreign jobs and he's talking about like human trafficking

4:36:57really losing out to foreign investors

4:37:05someone's really got to put this country back on top welcome back to creedcast today we are doing a little double-headed feature starting off with one of the stories that is in our subreddit, r slash creepcast, called Esoteric Isotopes, which I don't like that. Isotopes are ewee yucky yucky num num time. Ewee ewee yucky time. Yeah, isotopes. Isotopes are like the little fucking fish bugs, right? No, that's isopods. Oh, well, okay. Well, then you see we're out of yucky yucky fun time. we're out of yucky yucky nasty time who am I on a podcast with right now I thought it was like esoteric no no an isotope is a variant of an element that has a different number of neutrons compared to the standard they're also the little bugs that are in fish's mouth whenever you see them no that's not you ever see the movie you ever see the movie The Bay that's the story we're reading that's the story we're reading esoteric yucky bug the story should have been called already giving it a docket for not calling the story esoteric yucky bug already docking points from it literally know nothing about it it's not all it's not all isopods that do that it's just like the one louse thing all of them do that have you seen the picture of a bunch of isopods around a bag of the ricos extremely esoteric there's a bunch of isopause Rondritos.

4:38:38I mean, do you blame them? Hold on. This is an important image. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the show with my grandfather. I don't know. If I'm being completely honest, I don't think I really know what esoteric means. Teacher Isaiah, could you tell me what esoteric means? No. Alright. Then I'll ask my real teacher. Ask Jeeves. Esoteric. Okay. Intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest. That's kind of funny. That's ironic that you wouldn't tell me that too. Feels like you were being esoteric yourself. I don't know what you're talking about.

4:39:14Dude, I like the picture. I want to eat them. I want to boil them and eat them. The giant roly-poly looking thing? They're the good lobster, dude. What do you mean they're the good lobster? The lobsters are the rats of the sea and these isopods that have obviously good taste next to this vintage bag of Doritos, I think would taste delightful. You're telling me that if you cooked up an isopod that had a belly full of Doritos that it wouldn't taste good? I don't know. Esoteric isotopes. Esoteric isotopes. Oh, dude, it's going to kill you to say this first line. All right. I was never a very religious man.

4:39:56It's going to kill you. Clip that. I made a joke a while back that you're the person VeggieTales warned me about, but you are in like the Saturday morning cartoon way of like, go ahead, say the bad word, say the bad word for your mom will hear. I was never a very religious man. Hell, I wasn't even a very good man. Please clip that. Most of my life has lived. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you for the Clippers for doing that. All right. That's the last time I'm saying it. Unless there's another great one, but that's just awesome. Well, you just want a clip of me saying I'm not the good man.

4:40:32I was never a good man.

4:40:37Oh. Oh, okay. You see, for 15 years, I've been haunted by smile.jpg. Smile.dog. Comes to me in my sleep every night. Did you like that? Did you get a kick out of that one? All right, yeah, yeah. Every night? My partner's just being around the corner like... big goofy ass smile at one point it's just not a scary anymore it's a cyberian husky that's smiling at you big fucking chompers i'm just i'd be like close the door all right his thing wasn't i don't think it was as explicit with like corpse because corpse's whole thing was like oh most of it happened where'd he go he used to read creepy fosses right uh yeah he did he did back in the day he read a bunch of these maybe he could be a guest on our show well he did music for a while and stuff like that but i think he dipped from the internet after uh he got like a bunch of people kind of turned on him i think his a picture of his face got out people were making fun of him and stuff and then he dipped but he dipped around the same time that was happening dude corpse you want to read a spooky story come on out dude yeah would you bring him on with his sexy voice?

4:41:53Yeah, I'd bring Corpse on with his sexy voice, I think. Can you do a corpse impression? Uh. That was pretty good. That doesn't have the right sound, I think. Yeah, that was the same register. Welcome to Creepcast. Yes. Is that what he would say if he was on Creepcast? I feel like you've practiced in the mirror. I'm Corpse Husband and this is Creepcast. I'm Corpse Husband, but I just got possessed by Isaiah. this is this is corpse husband and I'm on creepcast now I feel like you've done the shirtless in your bathroom in the mirror why why would you say that for the seven women in the audience remember that did you see people getting upset over that the seven women thing they're a bunch of girls like there's more than seven of us yeah I mean it's a meme and now there's the people have been saying there's the seven sister seven sisters I like that's sick the seven sisters got seven girlies out there yes

4:42:56that was pretty i felt i felt my soul that was the reason you were that enthused because it was a point of meanness to a point i brought up that was countered to me so i did not appreciate that they went back and forth for a while honestly had no clue what they were talking about. I guess my dad must have had some bad memories from that place or something. He should clarify what his dad's freaked out about. You're perceptive. Yeah, I didn't know. He was crying and hitting walls, but I just went back to bed. My dad was talking about how my dad was talking about how I can't go to camp and how he has all these dark memories.

4:43:41I think something's up. I think he's putting two and two together. That's just dad when he drinks a big bottle of scotch. He acts funny. Keeps talking about all those camp counselors that used to be really good friends with him for some reason. Yeah. They read a bunch of scriptures with a knife on his skin. It's silly times back then during camp. That. Oh, camp Oakwood. That's where the Bible verses came from. That's right. My dad can't quit quoting in his sleep. That makes sense. That's right. That's why daddy talks in tongues in his sleep.

4:44:18Say your dad That's him snoring

4:44:25Oh Camp Oakwood That explains the pagan Sacrifices around the house Every night his mom hangs herself in the room She's like hanging there And the dad's like eyes wide open sleeping

4:44:40You guys wanna play Donkey Konga in my room?

4:44:47you guys want to play double dash in my room yeah sorry about my dad he's my dad's a real light sleeper so i have to be quiet in the other room you just hear

4:45:02that's how i imagine you were raised just like i wish that was how i was raised it'd be sick yeah my dad has a lot of funny friends that exist in the shadows like what yeah those are shadow friends if I get too close it burns

4:45:23yeah I can't touch my dad because it hurts my soul

4:45:29I try I try to wake my dad up when he gets like this but every time I do my vision gets blurry and my heart hurts I go into a state of anaphylactic shock or whatever the fuck it is anaphylactic shock i furrowed my brows at my own we we went out with a group of friends for a wedding uh a couple weeks ago and one of my buddy two of my buddies uh were drunk and thought it'd be a funny bit to walk around the room and anytime one of them was about to say something he would look at the other and go saxophone and he would start making like a perfect saxophone noise with his mouth and the other one would just start monologuing as if he was a detective in an old TV show and then they'd walk away and just go do that somewhere else.

4:46:12That is a boy oh boy glad I was not there for that. That sounds just fucking horrible. Good God. Everyone's like okay. Okay that's awesome. Oh saxophone.

4:46:34Yeah well that's cool dude. Tonight's a youth pastor group thing you have going on there. That feels like a very innocent time. It'd be so funny if you guys were in an opium den when this was happening. Three people overdosing. Yeah, exactly. Three dead Chinamen just laying there with these long opium pipes. Saxophone! Walking through the opium haze. What?

4:47:08Benny's freaking out. He did not. Someone's probably at your house, dude. They might be. I'll just kill him over there. Every step of the process, every zip, every bit of Velcro, I had to remind myself he wasn't going to complain. It felt intimate, but it wasn't. Intimacy requires two people. By that point, Ben was just me. I don't know if I agree with that last line, by the way. this this author um but what line don't you agree with intimacy across two people i've been very that's what i was that's the part i was afraid you were going to agree with come on man don't say that on the podcast dude you know it's actually funny to tie that in if intimate with yourself right you say the craziest things and just diverge go ahead whatever i just want to say that i saw my everybody in their life as a human cryptid it's true and mine his name was mr floppy and the way that the reason that is because i know very well that a man can be intimate with himself is because i remember one time i said at a sleepover we sat there and uh a kid excuses i feel i feel sick i'm gonna go to sleep like all right who gives a shit we're playing a mlb the show on ps2 great game go upstairs and before we know we hear him like giggling in the room and we hear like a we're like that's disgusting we know what he's doing but when we heard we he was talking to himself in the room, Isaiah, and he was saying, it's so floppy.

4:48:38So floppy. He was flopping it back and forth, and we never said anything about it, but we made an inside joke, and we called him Mr. Floppy for the rest of our lives, and I ran into him at the grocery store the other day.

4:48:54If I do it, I'm killing you first. Why? Do you not have your own cryptid kind of character in your life? it would be cruel to push this on to someone else i've decided okay man come on you tell me you didn't you don't think that the mr also we were young mr floppy that boy i don't know what was going on but there were some noises being made it was disturbing right so floppy i saw him what are you even talking about what do you mean what am i talking about I I've I've like my ears are ringing right now I'm so I'm starting to sweat I'm getting like and I'll tell you what was the most disturbing part about it is that he had pistachio muffins in his cart we are no no who wants that no you know what at this point no he did it I don't know what you're talking about so I said there's no way I said Derek it's nice to see you he's like oh my god it's been so long and I knew that he was just packing some heat in his pants so I didn't get too close but I saw that he had he had four trays of pistachio muffins not to me that was like a new thing and more lore.

4:50:00If you a lot of pistachios, maybe it makes you well endowed. That motherfucker had pistachio muffins out the woo-ha. What do you think listeners response to things like this is? Do you think they hear this? So they're like, wow, that's, that's so sorry that I'm just trying to tell you bits of my life of things that going on. What's, you know, I thought that, you know, for what you should be, what we had here, absolutely should be to be fair. How does this pertain to what we're talking about? How does this mean? Intimacy requires two people. Intimacy requires two people. I said, I disagree. I know that people can be very intimate with themselves.

4:50:31And now you're talking about a guy in a store with pistachio muffins. Mr. Floppy! What is the connection? Mr. Floppy! What does that have to do with an astronaut? It has nothing to do with the astronaut, but it has to do with the intimacy with two people. Mr. Floppy was very intimate with himself. That's all I had to say. And I was going to say that the rest of it was very well-written. I love the visual of the swollen joints and having to put somebody basically into a giant goddamn ziplock bag, but then I couldn't get past Mr. Floppy. I thought it pertained. I'm sorry if it didn't. I apologize if it doesn't.

4:51:09Maybe I can say like the right combination of words to get the podcast taken off of YouTube and then maybe that would be enough to get me out of the obligations for it. I bet I can come up with some colorful ones right now. You know, I actually thought that you would be somewhat intrigued by what I had to say, but I'll keep it to myself. I'm going to drop words you haven't heard of before. If it gets me out of this. Every syllable. Lovecraftian dialect of something that I've never heard before. Every language, every pronunciation. If Kizoola said hate speech, that's what it would sound like. They're going to have to make a new word for what I'm going to do.

4:51:56yeah god i'll i'll i'll hit everyone i won't take any prisoners all right well it will be kill shots across the board two men who enjoyed their own company but don't mind one another ben and i had become acquainted over all that time together but it wasn't like we were brothers in arms oh so sorry i have to go get my package one sec man isaiah's gone now i get to finally say my true piece. What if Ben's in the bag right now flopping it around?

4:52:29What if Ben's sitting there and he's saying, it's so floppy in the bag. And our hero here has to look out the cockpit window and see what he thought was his rigor mortis friend flopping it around in a bag in the vacuums of space. Would you go out? Would you go out and would you help this man or is it his own fault? Would he just be flopping in forever by himself? Apologies for killing the vibe. No problem. Hold on one second. Another package is here. In fact, I'll be right back. I apologize. You're all good. Then again, maybe Ben's flopping it. Space station never said that was our question, right?

4:53:14What if Ben's in there right now flopping around? He likes it when the narrator touches him. Flop, flop, flop. Could easily translate to tap, tap, tap. How do we know that Ben's not in there right now? A mass of bone and junk. Grabbing his big old dick and flopping it around. Inside of a space blanket cocoon. Would there be a better place to flop it? You tell me. I'm still fully believing that Ben is flopping it around right now. grabbing it at the base, flopping the top. A well-endowed man, taken too soon. Prophecy knew that it would happen, yet still he lays, flopping it, from side to side. Grabbing the base, probably one peeking around a ball, flop, flop, flop.

4:54:13Or as the story would suggest, tap, tap, tap. Okay. Sorry about that. No problem.

4:54:34Dude, all you have to do is just film a door and somebody knocking and it really is. It's always creepy. Every time. It's creepy. It works. And like online, people go hog wild. I could see my fat ass being young, just being like, Oh my God, no one knocks on my door. The way most people experience this was like scrolling in bed at night, right? Because it's on Twitter, so you're just reading through it. And then you get to that video. It's like, ugh. It's almost like being at a slumber party with your friends and you read a ghost story or something. And you're like, I think something just said my name.

4:55:05Yeah, very similar vibes. Very similar vibes. You ever have one of those? The very first time I ever saw Paranautic Tivia, it was all night. Hold on. Shh, shh, shh. Guys, guys. Did you hear that?

4:55:22what was that what was that friend you had Mr. Floppy as you called him was he there for that paranormal tour he probably was there he's probably the one saying it he's probably the one saying your name he's probably just like did someone say my name and you just hear his pud hitting his thighs I was like calling a soft cock pud isn't that nice sparks flew as the man stumbled back against the wall, smoke starting to come out of the place on his chest where I had shot him wires of all colors visible through the hole. The man's eyes opened with the shock and I'm blinking as he slid to the floor, his head jerking a few times before he lay on moving.

4:56:00He was a cyborg. Sirens began to sound as the teen Titans. Whoa. This is way cooler than Avery. Teen Titan. When there's trouble, you know who to call. Teen Titans. із

4:56:44Oh my God. If you think about it, it's actually kind of, it's actually kind of hot that, Theodore's Robin And fucking Avery's Beast Boy I don't know I should have voiced them like this the whole time I'm gonna turn into an elephant and give you belly kisses

4:57:00It's so hot dude ship that Ship that Now Ship it Turn into an elephant Woo Woo Woo Are you making elephant noises? Yeah. How did you do that? It's so, it came through so distorted on the Discord. It was like, it's like I was hearing an elephant through a Ouija board. I'm not moving my hand, are you? No, I'm not. It spills out. p f t p p f t oh my god pftp p b

4:57:58are we talking to a dead elephant what the what is it's either an elephant or it's a beast boy from teen titans i don't know which one

4:58:13him saying go to heck was pretty hard though, huh? Yeah, bro. That was real cool. Come on, man. That was cool. It was bad ass. Yeah, that was really cool. I'm saying go, he's him saying it twice. And the second time has periods after every word you let, you know that he means business. Freaking go to heck. I'm tired of you dang robot scum. In addition to that, we may be donating more. Because before we get into the stories tonight, we're going to play a little game. And that game is, are you smarter than an obese man child? I don't think so.

4:59:02Here's how this game's going to work. I have a series of questions queued up about Creepcast. Stories we've covered and events from the show. And Hunter's not going to get them right. So what we're going to do is I'm going to pick three people from the audience to come up here. Hunter will get the question first. And when he inevitably gets it wrong. No. He will donate an extra$1 ,000 to the ARP. And then the question will go to one of you guys. If you all get it right, I donate another thousand to St. Jude's. So no pressure if you get it wrong that's less money going to cancer. Just keep in mind.

4:59:44If that's on you. If somehow by the grace of God, Hunter gets the question right the first time, I will donate two thousand dollars to St. Jude's. So I need... Let's get some lights on the audience. Yeah, can we get some lights? All right. So as mentioned, Hunter gets the question first, right? No hints. No one shout anything out. Then the way we're going to do it with you guys is you're all facing forward. You don't look back at the screen. As soon as you know the question, raise your hand. He will get it wrong. When he gets it wrong, I'll pick whoever's hand I saw go up first. If you win, you get a point, and we've got some stuff for you.

5:00:23So, all right. First question. Don't go front. Don't go front. Don't go off.

5:00:31What is the name of the cat in Pinpal? All right, Hunter. The cat's name in Pin Pal? Yep. That was a while ago. Fuck, I really...

5:00:51Five, four... Sprinkles! All right, so that's$1 ,000. Would you like to guess? Boxes. That is correct, boxes. Very nice. Excellent. one point to her zero to hunter no pressure all right question two in what episode was the term bear trap coined man there's can i can i at least get a bear trap sound bite please thank you i'm gonna say my best friend's ruining my life no Hold on, he got first. Go ahead, take your guess. Diania House? Correct! Wait, wait, wait, wait, no. No, no, no, no. It's a close title. Hold on, she... To steal? Is it Azalea's Cookhouse? Yes, that's it. I apologize, I heard Diania, and I'm like, that's close enough to Azalea, it was not.

5:01:56My bad. Two points for her, no pressure or anything. I will get one. You're just the co-host of the show. yeah yeah all right question three the man who wishes to be eaten like a bug comes up naturally in what two episodes dynia house and he's in two episodes he's just in one no he's not no he's not dynia house and fucking the floppy episode the my the guy in the space i'm on this show i promise i swear is that it no okay okay would anyone like to seal all right well i guess i don't have to give money away uh the answer is dynia house oh wait sorry there's a bonus to that because you didn't even get the first one right okay the answer is dynia house in Tiki Toby.

5:02:59Fuck! Okay, Tiki Toby. Okay, hold on, hold on. Bonus, bonus. We'll do the way with you can get the bonus. Bonus. What is his wife's name? In both stories, the wife has the same name, which is how it came up. Gotta be Julia. Julia. Anyone.

5:03:20See, thank you. It's okay. It's just kids who are sick. It's fine.

5:03:29Yeah, come on, bro. The answer was... Connie. Connie. Beautiful name. That's what brought it up. Beautiful name. So, still two points to her. You've donated on every question. Oh. All right. Question four. Question four. in what episode did hunter confess to allegedly murdering a woman on a japanese train that is alleged allegedly no one i i made these so i'm like well if someone who watches the show will get it but not hunter uh i can't remember the episode wait he's not gonna get it go ahead i can't remember the episode name but it's the one where the guy is like frozen in time you know what i'm talking about no duh that doesn't count the subway no not not not the one about if you've seen i'm at the glenmont metro shooting it's not that one not that one i don't someone shout it out berries in the window yes yeah you know what just for that i'll donate as if you were up here we'll do that all right final question question five all right Yeah.

5:04:44Question five. Which author has been featured the most on the channel? In other words, the most individual episodes. Eli Witherow. That's not even his name. Shit. Okay. Any guesses? It's close. Any guesses?

5:05:10Come on, Brit. Someone yell it C.K. Walker Fuck sakes Okay C.K. Walker. Yeah, there was a bonus question, but I'm not even gonna ask it most questions. Can you name all of them? Anyone want to try the five C.K. Walker episodes on the channel? I know you can't Go ahead. Go wait. She raised first. Go ahead okay there's boraska part one and two would part like five count as another one okay um there's uh church church in the woods or deep woods deep woods deep woods no they didn't not spire not spire yeah now i'm forgetting it the one with the church in the woods oh okay hold on brett michaels can you finish up do you have any more i cannot remember boraska one Baroska 2, Deep Woods, Room 733, and Mayhem Mountain.

5:06:15Five different episodes. Five different episodes that showed up at different ones. Okay. So to my disappointment, that's the end of the questions. To my disappointment, the first place had two. Got two right. And that's our winner. So, winner to the air with two. That's right! so i will give you hold on come here how do i how did we agree to do it well yeah i feel like neither of you two give them all shirts what the fuck yeah hold on one of those here we'll do this you get you get these two there you go welcome you get this and you get this thank you all very much y 'all can go back to your seats i appreciate y 'all thank you thank you consolation prize y 'all can head back to your seats except for the clown guy you go ahead back right yeah break it the hell out of here i want this guy to stay up on stage i have a question for you considering your outfit what is this outfit what am i looking at i'm a tramp clown tramp clown interesting very cool is this a couple's costume you have it just might be it just might be is the other part of couple here tonight that she is can she come up here so we can see maybe come on up here nothing wrong i see her she's coming baby just so we can see the costume side by side of course nice you need a that's a nice clown costume

5:07:48that's a good costume hello nice to meet you what what's your name my name's bailey and this belonged to a dead old lady clown. I have their portrait. That's excellent. Wow. That's incredible. Is there any, is there, I think I saw, was there something in your pocket? Is there like some bit to the costume or something? Good. Oh, I have a rat. Oh, actually, there's one more question in the game. You gotta answer your question. Here, you show everyone your thing while I go to the next question. There's, yeah, sorry. Forgot about that. There's one last question. One second. Keep pulling it. Go ahead, keep following it.

5:08:28I think the question is...

5:08:38She said yes!

5:08:54Congratulations, congratulations, man. Congrats. You kids get out of here. She's on the handkerchief.

5:09:19Ah, isn't that beautiful? isn't that just cute thank thank god she said yes god no shit dude oh god that had been hanging over my head like could you imagine like that'd be really funny a month from now but right now all right congratulations to the young couple yesika's cry of surprise cut me off before i could go any further both me and ian turned to the sound of her distress and we knew instantly what had happened the backpacks with our compass food and water have been stolen i damn dude it knew yeah blinded i'll just say blinded by some monster pussies crazy and then the others like stole everything feels so real he's like he's like rubbing her boob and it just like it's like cracks like an egg like it's like falling off exactly wow whoa naturals finally this is just like the the the movies i watch this is just like the turtle girls that mom told me about she began making her way to the hallway beckoning me to follow with one hand i caught side of a beautiful large silver ring on her ring finger i guess she was married of course she was woman that beautiful ought to be married i thought he's down bad for this for this british woman he's either down bad or my psychopath theory is like correct.

5:10:50Like the, him just being completely, you may think you have an idea of what Marcus pale is. You may look at me, he's like kicking his feet and he's like blushing and shit. She's like, Hey, how you doing? I'm Victoria. He's like, you've been talking about me. She's like, well, I mean, they, they said that you were showing up today. Okay. It's like Marcus, you, you kind of, you can fucking suck Speaker 3 0. And she's pregnant with a ring on at church. And he's like, oh, she's married. Speaker 3 0. I wish that was your first clue. Crawling around her guts.

5:11:26Yeah, dude. I wish that was my baby's clawing at her intestines and her gutty works. Oh, oh gosh. Speaker 3 0.

5:11:38Yeah. That's what guys think about pregnant women. They're like, yeah. Yeah. Let my little raccoon Let my raccoon dig for some trash Is what I say Whatever, I'm sorry everyone I can't I'm not responsible for him It's quite alright I've never been up north before You're lucky to be able to travel around All my life I've been here, stuck here That is, I've always wanted To venture out But what? No, it's nothing oh read read that isaiah she said oh flirtatious victoria eh she wants her to i mean she's probably a prisoner or stuck here also too i've been here forever and i'm like you have a fucking british accent liar uh and her name's victoria ruin once again we need to remember this it's true i'd also be like i'm also dr mustard if we're playing make pretend that i'm ruthus mustard phd is what i would say oh i thought you were making a clue joke colonel muster yeah probably that's probably the connection was in my head i'm gonna kill you under the stairs with your bag under the stairs with a rope she's like you're talking about the game right he's like sure sure whatever you say, Scarlet, Speaker 3rd, just don't go in your room.

5:13:06Cause I have a candlestick in there and I'll beat the hell out of you with it. No, whatever you do, don't go to the observatory. There's definitely not a knife in there with professor. Speaker 3rd, we're having fun, right? Oh yes. Victoria. Oh yes. I'm the it guy. This is what he yells at her. She's like, okay. Speaker 3rd, yes, Victoria. There's nothing wrong. Do you want to follow me alone to this Speaker 0 0 0 0 0 I don't have a gun. I want to be that child's pregnant woman, I just met, do you want to come alone with me over here? I'm blushing, I'm smiling and I can't tell again, I'll look in the mirror and realize I'm smiling.

5:13:47Speaker 4 0 0 0 0 I hope he didn't notice that I was smiling and drooling, looking at your pregnant belly. I definitely don't want to eat your child. It was clawing away at your gutty works. Hey, well, you're pregnant. Yeah. Great. Bummer. I thought you were just fat. She's like, hey, Marcus, you started to scare me, Marcus. He's like, no, don't be afraid. I'm just the IT guy.

5:14:19Do you like being pregnant? I love, see, I'm, I'm unironically. gonna ask that to a pregnant woman sometime what's it feel like to be pregnant do you like it i don't know it's okay can you feel him crawling around in there you know in your gutty works

5:14:41who did that to you that's another good hey who did that and point at it can i see i bet if you lifted up your shirt and you showed me your belly it would look like a bald man's head I'm the it guy. I help run it.

5:15:00I'm happy. You're pregnant.

5:15:07I'm happy. You're pregnant. It's a good one too. A man fully blushed. I'm the it guy. Blush sweating profusely rolling his hand, like his fingers around his hands, like clenched hands. I love you

5:15:25I love that you're pregnant I love your pregnant belly You're pregnant and I'm the IT guy I'm going to go fix a phone Do you have a phone? You're pregnant And I'm the IT guy No, it's nothing Hold on, what? Oh, you're back in the story. I didn't realize if we were still doing the bit or not. I've been staring at the camera just saying those things. Oh, there's going to be a lot of love for that. He looked right at me and said that he loved my pregnant belly, my little preggers belly. I'm glad that you're pregnant. I'm the IT guy. My favorite thing to say to a pregnant woman is, I can't wait to boop your snoot.

5:16:13I can't wait to touch what's inside of you. my god that's creepy huh good lord that's a freak one i'm gonna hold you from the inside

5:16:28huh whoa you're you're pregnant can i see yeah cough twice okay i could do it i mean if we stay here i'm gonna keep going to just do the line now it's it's nothing well honestly I have nothing better to do I've been cooped up in my room for the longest time because of this bloody baby I couldn't think of any response to this You don't talk much, do you? I shrugged sheepishly What can I say? I'm a quiet guy

5:17:07Didn't that just feel appropriate? I didn't like it Come on! That was perfect Every, what can I say? No, that, that is perfect. But every extra noise made me uncomfortable. Let me read it. Say I shrugged sheepishly again. Okay. I shrugged sheepishly. Okay. Well, let's try that again. Cause you did. Okay. I didn't push mouth that one. My bad. I shrugged sheepishly. What can I say? I'm a quiet guy. Ew. I like that. I feel like then when he went, I'm a quiet guy. He like squatted down and said it to the baby. He put his lips around her belly button and talked that way. I'm a quiet guy. Well, it's a change for sure.

5:17:52You're different from all the men around here. All they do is talk and lecture. She's just looking down at him, kissing her stomach like, well, it's a change for sure. Well, this is a change for sure. Her smile widened. I've been bored for the past few days. You want to go on a little adventure? Adventure? yes i could give you a tour of the place i'm sure you're wondering where everything is at can i get a tour of the baby i uh do you think it's the pheromones is it pheromones that women exude from their honeycomb that's making this man be a ravenous bee i don't like anything you just i thought it was kind of i thought it was kind of creative that was rough that was right there honey yeah what I really hadn't thought about that place as a whole the only area that vaguely interested me was the room behind the double doors but I didn't feel comfortable asking that place as a whole but figured it'll work

5:18:57sorry that was terrible I hate myself you have a line thank you but I didn't feel comfortable asking you already said that no then you say surely why not oh my bad sorry why not I got hung up on the whole thing sure why not or sorry sure why not good thank god it took long enough the captain chose me because I always knew what's best I laid him down by doing this that thought was what decided for me picked up the pace and sped past the three coming to a stop in the middle of the hallway and shooting my arms out to the side to block the way I spoke my voice low guys no that's such that's such a light put off of like don't burn down the ship that we're all on you stop it guys think that think this through let's talk about this no i saw a surprise enter vinnie's face you're not andrew and spencer's i saw irritation even anger flash get the hell out of the way nate spencer hissed shook my head no this is worst idea in the long sad history if you keep doing that voice i'm gonna look i'm i i'm enjoying myself if you do that voice me and the audience are gonna immediately lose it it's gonna fall out of favor you gotta lock in until the next shiver or run away.

5:20:23Here, here, here. All right. No. I hate you so much. No. Oh, gosh. Doing this is the worst idea in the long, sad history of bad ideas. He would crack his neck uncontrollably and twitch every once in a while. The kids would tease him and call him Tiki Toby, and they mocked him with exaggerated twitching and laughing. It got so bad, he had to turn to homeschooling. It was too hard for him to be in a common learning environment With seemingly every kid poking Or more like stabbing Fun at him I like how the teachers don't do anything either Alright kids calm down They're all like dude dude dude dude The teacher was probably you And making fun of him along with the other students Yeah don't make fun of Toby And his pancakes I'm not laughing At him I just remembered a really funny joke Please kids and like i give a kid five bucks which more adam twitch adam make it worse yeah exactly and then you're in the principal's office you're in the principal's office with the kid like i have no idea what he's talking about yeah i don't know that's drug money i've seen him he's selling adderall in school he should be kicked out that's how he has all this extra cash it's like the fifth grade yeah the kid's I add a wall.

5:21:43I'm like, give me the drugs. Yeah. Go into his locker. Where is it? Where's your stash? Kids just crying. Yeah. I play. You're trafficking these. Aren't you? What cartel are you working with? I fucking planted four pounds of Adderall in his locker.

5:22:03It's a lot. Four pounds. I'm like, Oh really? You don't know what it is. Where'd you get the hooch? He's like, I don't know what that is also if you're wait what grade we say fifth grade i said how old is the fifth grader i mean that that's not what the story said the story hasn't said how old he is i said fifth grade because the visual is accusing a fifth grader yeah that's fine i'm saying okay so the voice works then i don't know what that is yeah he's dead okay he's dead that's fine and then the the image of you going to a principal and be like i think they've got a meth lab under the school listen i think they're going listen i see him talk with this chinese guy before school every day and he gives him a big bag of pills i'm not trying to wrestle any feathers here i'm just saying that i think he's got a source uh yeah uh mr hancock that's mr lee the english teacher you're referring to and they would talk to him because he's in the back of the room i've met you six times i'm like oh hey where'd you get it we have worked together at the school for four years now.

5:23:06I'm tenured, actually. Oh my god. This is so not like me. I am so sorry. I just have, like, cocaine dust all over my nose. I am so sorry. This is so not like me. You walk out of the principal's office and you go to the assistant principal. Like, I think the principal's in on it. I think he's getting a cut. I think the principal's selling Adderall to the kids. Call the superintendent immediately. All the pills are just It's like falling out of my pocket on the ground. These are vitamins. Don't look at these. These are omega fish oils. But you want to give me that. Well, I can give you one for$5.

5:23:44It doesn't matter. Just either or. Give it to me. Mr. Hancock, you were brought up here because you have to quit calling the parents of the children in your class with disabilities and saying that it would be funny if you kept making fun of them when they're home. I didn't. I didn't do that. And on, on a related note, you cannot steal Adderall prescriptions from children who have legitimate diagnosis. Yeah. You can't go into the, the, you, you can't go into the, the special needs wing of the school and steal prescription papers from the kids that you just cannot do that. I didn't know. I couldn't go in there.

5:24:25I was just picking up papers. We also at this time, and it's insane. I have to say this, but you have to quit accusing Mr. Lee of operating a Chinese drug smuggling. I refuse out of the fifth grade special. I refuse. I refuse. I don't know what he's doing. I don't even know. He's from Michigan. I don't know what connection you think he has to Chinese. Tell me who you work for. How fast do you think until that guy gets fired? Until the teacher gets fired? you, he has a fifth grade teacher. well it seems like you kept phrasing it like you can't keep doing this to where it's like it's a fifth grade teacher and he's blaming the one Asian guy of selling Adderall to the kids there's no way that guy is staying it's a one and done maybe you slip up one time but you keep screaming pancakes at the kid with Tourette's in class and saying he has Adderall connections you're fired you're like oh you shrugged you're like what where's this coming from What did I do wrong?

5:25:32I'm being targeted. This is discrimination, of course. Also, we're still reading a story. I forgot. Yeah, yeah. The story. Yeah, about that story. I stood there frozen at the bottom of the ladder, my own light only casting a few feet in front of me. Graham? You responded in a gurgled, gasping moan. You want to try a gurgled, gasping moan? What would that sound like from you?

5:25:59That was good. I like that. So I climb. It's one-eyed Willie. And then even further down the cavern, you're just here. Goonies never die. And then you hear a fucking sloth. You're like,

5:26:21I climb faster than I thought. She's like, Ruth, baby Ruth.

5:26:34Holy fuck. There is a mutated man with a Superman jacket down here.

5:26:46Like, totally get me the fuck out of this cave.

5:26:53Goonies never die!

5:27:05Speaker 3 4k. You're so committed to the, it's gotta fucking horrifying. If you think about it, Speaker 3 4k, the fire ship's this way. Seriously. Give me the fuck out of here. Speaker 4 4k. Speaker 3 4k. Why would the Dracula be scared by them? Because it's the fucking Goonies and they have Sloth, a seven foot tall disabled man who's just like

5:27:35Sloth likes to eat rocks! And he's just like eating the walls around him They're totally closing in on me Please help me Ruth? Baby Ruth?

5:27:50Yeah Imagine Nosferatu sitting there and he like turns around and he's like I'm totally hiding right now I cannot let the goonies find me. He turns around and there's Chunk and he's like has his shirt up and he just starts doing the truffle shuffle. Oh my god! Help me! Help me! Belly's all moving and stuff. What is this magic? It's the truffle shuffle! Goonies never die!

5:28:34I climb faster than I thought possible.

5:28:42So without further ado, I say we go. Well, I wouldn't say without further ado. So on that note, I just want to be known by you all. someone does uh yesterday before we started the recording um hunter sent me a text message and said that him and his wife were in a car accident and these are these are two people i care about you know a couple who's very close friends of mine um and i was like oh my gosh are you okay and he was like yeah we're all right but we're uh we're cut up pretty bad you know my wife's cut up on her arms. I've cut across my, my face. Like, uh, he was like, it looks insane. It looks like a log got thrown through the window.

5:29:26We're lucky to be alive. And I'm like, oh my gosh, what, what happened? Like, I think I sent up a prayer for him. Like, I hope they're okay. Um, and then he's like, yeah, check this out. And he sends me a picture of him completely naked in his bathroom mirror. Um, so he, he set up knowing that I would care about him. and like trust his word he set up this whole scenario saying he was in a car accident in order to make me care and then look at um his naked body yeah yeah you know i uh i when you when you catch me it's not even you it's it's a lot of different people let me tell you if i'm in if i'm getting ready to take a shower which i was getting ready to take a shower and i'm just sitting there texting somebody it's gonna lead to me sending something all right so So anyway, unrelated to that point, you could argue, I was looking on everyone's favorite website, Rule 34, and notice that there's no entries for Papa Meat or Hunter.

5:30:29There's entries for Meat Canyon, but none of them are of him. It's all cartoons he's made, so that's cheating. So if someone could do something about that, I have plenty of reference material. There's plenty of Creepcast ones. No, there's not. Yeah, my wife just sent me, the other day, i also just sent me one of uh i'm pregnant and you're standing behind me no you're not not rule 34 no true true true yeah no there's not no thank god but i guess what i'm saying is there's at least that there's there's angles of that i mean i'm pregnant my point is i need more bad things to happen to hunter that's all i'm trying to okay cross so all right well you know without further ado maybe we'll maybe we'll uh have our own hidden web page here pretty soon and see if jared roberts experience uh a little story here makes us think of the hells that'll wait for us so i'm very uh i'm very excited to get into this and uh see if this is this is a fun time i'm ready what's going on you didn't do anything wrong miss richardson don't worry but i was wondering if you would come with us.

5:31:35Where at exactly? You will see. Come with us. If their whole idea was to get her to come there as like a ruse, why actually give her the ten grand of stuff on her... Sorry about to stab her in the alley and take it back. Grab her Powerpuff girl Hot Topic wallet and let's get the hell out of here. That's so sad. I know. She's bleeding. She's bleeding in her grr hoodie. She's just like... Don't talk about a beautiful angel that way

5:32:15without hesitation i think it goes without saying by the way when i was like 14 i thought jane the killer was very hot because all the pictures would just be like a goth chick with a knife i'd be like that's so hot that's all it took for me that's very easy

5:32:37if you had to put that together is it okay yeah well I said the child of God thing I'm like I should probably clarify what ideation that came from just reading this like yeah literally no details about her I don't even think I ever read the stories I would just see the fan art and be like oh yeah

5:33:01I think it was that Tapping down on your keyboard Scroll down

5:33:12I'm like the little moans Without hesitation Jane got into the limo With the other agents Without hesitation

5:33:2710 ,000 fresh dollars in her wallet yeah okay i'll get with you too all right i've certainly seen a cia badge it was probably a fisher price like fake toy badge you want to come in here i heard that you have like i don't know wolverine blood or something like that without hesitation

5:33:53next day february 21st sun vanish says oh god i just got back to where i part there are four people standing in front of my car but their backs facing towards me i won't be it is funny to imagine like he's just tweeting this is happening like he gets in the car he's like oh no that's that's just a silly thing about twitter energies i feel like i wish that they but that yeah sorry go ahead yeah yeah like they do it later they talk about everything after the effect but it's also you know it's a choose your own adventure ARG whatever but it's just a funny visual him in the car like I don't know what to do it feels very British to me for some reason like in my mind the idea of someone like tweeting in a live for death scenario sounds like something someone from the UK would do oh fuck oh this bloke's fucking chasing me I don't know what to do because in the uk it's like if you defend yourself it's like a life sentence but if you murder someone you're just like given probation for murdering for five months or something like that like a bit of a telly willy yeah exactly i guess that's why they'd be like well i don't want to go to jail forever so i guess i'll tweet that's the one thing i can do i won't be able to outrun them i have to get to the car and that's the only way i can escape doing my best to quietly approach fill up the tank and get in the car and then this is such a funny tweet because he says i'll do my best to quietly approach fill up the tank and leave and then the next tweet reads they broke my arm this hurts so much holy shit

5:35:39oh then we get a video of him next to the car It's like a PT cruiser. No wonder he's skin attacked. So he's in the parking lot of like a TG, like a TG Maxx. Whatever. Looks like he's on like the road, I think. They're so close to the park. He's in a TG Maxx parking lot. They are right there. Look how close they are. You thought he could quietly fill up a gas tank there?

5:36:21what kind of pain getting your getting your this is what it sounds like by the way to get your arm snapped

5:36:34he filled up the gas tank as he's opening the door one runs up snaps his arm with their bare hands he then manages somehow to get in the car shut the door and then they can't get into the car. You can just hear them hitting on it. I really like the fall. Snapping your arm is crazy.

5:36:57Don't do that. I didn't like that. And even to dream of turning it on all, to see my world drown in oceans of agony is the only vision which now brings me any relief from my madness. from a madness which is not of this world. Though neither is it of any other world.

5:37:22Thank you for picking that voice out of every option you could. This is now the mage's voice. Said the mage in the same quiet voice. But I have also had visions of butchering the angels. replied the madman as if to argue the irreparable nature of his mania you have envisioned precisely what you've been able to make all right hold on hold on that's a really good one i like that voice you have envisioned precisely what you have been made to envision and nothing that has risen from your own your own true being but how could you have known this what is the nature of what you've seen this is the most disinterested office job voice this enema this enema mundi of the oldest philosophers of an alchemist to deceive and to pose as the soul of another world and not as the soul of a world as we know there's only one world and one soul of that world which appears and forms of beauty or bravery or badness according to how many anima mundi would turn you what the fuck is an anima mundi I think it means like essence spirit I'm pretty sure your soul and no ordinary and no ordinary devising may turn you away from what it wills this is the power that had made you what you are now and would unmake you for its own design.

5:39:04It has played with you as it would a puppet. Then I will make myself its destruction. You cannot.

5:39:19I hate you so much. You cannot. Your very wish to destroy it is not yours, but that, but, uh, shit. Your very wish to destroy it is not yours, but that of the thing itself. You are not who you are. You are only what it would have. You are only what it would have. What? What? You are only what it would have you be. You speak as if you're like a serious guy. You speak as if you speak as if it were a god of deceit and illusion. You speak as if it were a god of deceit and illusion, sir. There's no other true way to speak of it.

5:40:12But no further words now.

5:40:18It sounds like the mage had a script in his pocket he kept glancing down at to read.

5:40:27Thank you for tanking that entire scene. No, dude, it's cool. He's like, I'm a mage that sounds like that. It's a mage. It's pretty much sounds like this.

5:40:41It's kind of a magey voice. So no, it's not. That's that's a Dwight Schrute voice. No, I'm more of a I've seen so many things that the world bores me. Though the shadow fog lenses of these spectacles, you will be blinded so that you may see with greater sight. through their darkly clouded glass anima moondi will diffuse it into nothing

5:41:10through their darkly clouded glass anima moondi will diffuse into nothing that's before you what would murder another man's mind will bring yours peace henceforth all things will be in your eyes a distant play of shadows that will fretfully strive to engage you.

5:41:36Ghosts that clamor to pass themselves as actualities. Masks that desperately flit about to conceal the stillness of the void behind them. Henceforth, please know that this is the only means by which I may help you. You have been made ready to receive the salvation by your very torments. though we cannot overthrow the hole that anima mundi has on the others of this earth

5:42:08we must still try as we can for as long as the soul of the world has its way we will grieve all in whom we will grieve all in whom it lives but it will not live in you on the condition you obey one simple rule you must never be without these spectacles or your furies will return to you there now you may open your eyes

5:42:39that was those lines were so cool and they've forever been ruined I can't even go back and look at them right now because it's just gonna anima moon day is gonna just be in my head yeah you gotta watch offer anima moondy i can't i can't wait for what ligati's publishing company says so we wanted to just say uh thomas was thrilled with the reading and he found particularly interesting how he read anima moondy like that so many times and that's all he's been saying it's actually driven him mad he's he's perpetually in a state of shock so on the bright side uh video's doing really well book is selling well on the downside uh he has agreed to never write ever again not even once anima moondy gosh which is why she wants him dead and he wants jimmy jimmy was the one who gave the whole speech like we call this the stables that i would just almost I wouldn't even be surprised if this turned into like, just like we're going to kill the whole fucking town.

5:43:57You know how happy I would be. I would be, I'd be delighted. If it's just like, that would titillate me. I would, that'd be great. I'd be titillated. Kyle's like your grandpa in the mobility scooter. They got a rifle set up. Here they do like duck tip a gun to his hand. Yeah. He's like fumbling over the bolt to re-rack it. Like.

5:44:22He drives the wheelchair straight into a gas station. 1738. Does the JBL speaker attach it? I'm like, hey, what's up? Actually, yeah, it's vibrating the back hub, so it sounds like it's like when this car is like... Yeah, it's like we need a distraction. Like Kyle in the mobility scooter. You look hungry. Order pizza from Domino's. I remember what you like on it. he said before glancing at a menu next to her on the nightstand she picked up the phone and began dialing the number i got up to use the bathroom and took my entire duffel bag with me amber noticed she didn't say anything then sometime passes i do i do completely agree they do not need to go to a restaurant my gosh hell no jimmy prescott yeah exactly i remember you yeah great idea i love your red hair there's nothing good that comes from Kyle's in the back look like Hector Salamanca.

5:45:27He's staring at...

5:45:37My boy's dinging.

5:45:49oh i miss him so much okay yes but kimber can't have you out there oh my gosh i can't have you out there you know that right why do you think i'm teaching you to shoot you're going to let me go alone do i have a choice no kimber shrugged maybe maybe like as they talked about the kyle thing like she'll get kyle and he'll go to boraska maybe i don't know yeah in his wheelchair

5:46:19come on Kyle I get home with my baby yeah he does sheesh

5:46:31gets shot like nine times immediately she she loaded up and shot

5:46:47I've been cooking Pats with my baby

5:46:52I was running through the Six with my wubs

5:47:00Yeah so Kyle He likes Drake now

5:47:08Sheesh

5:47:24that part was true it was pounding nikki frowned you need a ride internally no externally nah bro what you like driving dudes around your car or something you and the teenage boys I got this I just offered you a ride wait you made a suck your cock on the way home that's just a pretty formal thing you want to eat my asshole out and do all kinds of weird stuff with me let me jack you off in the driver's seat okay I see that I'll never ask this ever again in my life it's funny because anytime I offer to give you a ride somewhere that's typically what you say I jump for joy and I do I do yes yes

5:48:15Yes, you're giving them too much to work with Yeah, I think I take three or four butterscotch candies are rolling around my mouth and I get my my saliva Nice and thick and I do I do I say I I I If you want Is why I say like that Oh gosh What? Oh, okay. So I guess we can't be bros. It's fine. I guess we can't do what fellas do. I guess boys can't be boys. Oh gosh. She said matching my grin as she looked at me. Damn. You got tall. She said, looking at me, he got it from his old man. Okay. You don't need to chime in dad. Yeah. I'm pretty hot too. Compliment me.

5:49:09Yeah.

5:49:14Don't you think I'm beautiful daughter of mine? Yeah. He's pretty much a spitting image of his old man. So you probably think I'm pretty tall and cute too, huh? Dad, could you just go already? Yeah, I gotta go to work. My dad, my dad chimed in and Caitlin rolled her eyes. Besides my height, I got a lot for my dad. I got his warm brown eyes and I got his wavy, dirty blonde hair that I had always kept medium length. I looked so much like my dad that my mom always chimed in saying how I got her nose and smile. Happy birthday, hon. Mom said from the counter, giving me a soft smile. These are almost done and we'll go out for your birthday dinner later tonight.

5:49:57Said, gesturing at the waffles and I smiled. Birthday waffles for the birthday boy.

5:50:12better keep your girlfriends away from your old man they'll they'll get us confused dad stop you're morbidly obese and you're 56 years old yeah spitting image it's like looking in the mirror

5:50:34i've got a persevere i have to get through this we're like we're like we're like we're like yeah yeah this is the beginning of the story we've been recording for 30 minutes oh my god yeah oh god okay one of the rules said i wasn't allowed to tell them did that mean i also couldn't hint at it um i'm not sure if i'm feeling the river today i said trying to sound as nonchalant as possible okay the dialogue some of the like the verbiage choices in this story are really testing us right now we're being very good for not i feel like i'm i feel like i'm floating outside of my body This is becoming a religious experience for me.

5:51:21Yeah. Yeah. Like I'm trying to be nonchalant using erm unironically or like the dad chimed in using the same like phrases over. Yeah. I'm pretty young and sparkly too. You girls stay away from me. I'll get in trouble. You boys don't know how good you haven't. You have no idea. You better save this because life only gets worse. I thought you said, Miles, your soulmate. Sure. These are the best years of your life. Remember that. It'll never get any better than this. It'll never get any better than right now. Fuck.

5:52:06Are you crazy? It's like 90 degrees out here. Jennifer said, raising her eyebrows, not wanting to act suspicious, I decided that I would go, but I wouldn't go in under any circumstances. All right, let's go, but I can't stay long. I have my birthday dinner with Caitlin and my parents. I said to which Joseph pumped his fist. Why did he pump his fist? Oh, we're going to the river. I see. I see. I thought he was doing it over the mention of Caitlin. I'm like, it was Joseph. Yeah.

5:52:39What about your dad, man? All right, boys. Stop. I'm a catch. He's just there with them all of a sudden Alright Alright Who called the Pied Piper You could hear my flute from a mile away couldn't you Okay I'll get out of here I'll get out of here Alright fine I'll be in the bushes again if you need me Just call

5:53:05Dad get out of here He's like a real chummy child predator type God Jesus I don't know Okay alright He just thinks he's cool. He just thinks he's like a catch. It's wholesome. Okay. 421-2016. What is that? May? March? June? March. March. March. March 21st, 2016. First post. It's titled... Yep. A Unite... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on before we do that. So do you want to talk about what the thumbnail was to the Sugar Daddy? episode. What's up? What do you, what do you mean? Uh, so for those that don't know, uh, Hunter, you know, he's got the team, he's got like cool people to do the same guy that does his thumbnails for creep cast is the guy that does his thumbnails for like popping meat and stuff like that.

5:54:01So, you know, he does a thumbnail. So he talks to that guy. Uh, I don't see any of it. Most of the time, I don't see it until, you know, the episodes up. And then, uh, yesterday on father's day, I'm out with my family at church. I'm like, Oh, did the episode go up? And I pull up my phone, in the house of God to see the thumbnail of me naked

5:54:23collared by a geriatric man performing sexual favors sugar daddy sugar daddy so do I don't know do you want to talk about what your thought process was there where you had the audacity while you thought that was okay yeah I can kind of give in to some thoughts of that you're a little whore so i thought that i would uh you know present you like the little pay piggy you are and uh it just felt right also too um it's funny it's mostly why i was just kind of chortling to myself uh because at first they had you in your normal uh like in the one of whenever he came out uh he's taking pictures with like you know his shirt on and stuff and i was like yeah no i was like yeah no take that off make him make him shirtless uh and then they're like okay that's cool and i was like yeah he's okay i was like let's throw a dog collar and a leash on and they had uh i think they had me at first uh like holding it and then uh with the money and then i was like no just put like a random guy like a random stock photo guy and get me out of there.

5:55:40You're not even willing to say that you're, you're present in this scenario. Like, you know, that's actually, that is now, I think the first thumbnail that both of us aren't on. Yeah. I, um, yourself from the only one on the channel. Yeah. And I think that it may be in my situation creatively. I was thinking, well, maybe I'm taking the picture, right? Maybe, Maybe I'm in the room, but I'm just behind the camera is kind of the idea. You're, you're shooting the snuff film that's about to take place. Exactly. Exactly. Right. So, you know, uh, interesting. Yeah. You know, it was a, it's a cute, it's a cute thumbnail.

5:56:18I had a nice chortle out of it. And, uh, I think people got a good kick out of it as well. There was a lot of concerned people though. There was a lot of people that were, uh, I think moved by it in a negative or positive way. I'm not sure. Yeah. I was one of them. I'm, I'm for sure. I just can't describe what that's like being like I wonder if the episode Oh well dude That's the creative liberties That I like to take And I think it works in our favor. Liberty is alright I'm glad you know what I love that we Sat here we're two men aboard the Titanic Taking out our tiny violins and playing Because I see a lot of hurtful Stuff too that makes me fucking Borderline cry Really yeah All the time Alright what kind of stuff I don't want to go Into it because it's only Going to it's when we say These things it only gives them fuel Isaiah don't you understand right so i just like to there's what there's one guy so there there's one dude he has like i'm not gonna say his name because i don't need people to know but he has like eight followers on twitter complete nobody right yeah every time i post a video announcement after a couple hours he will quote tweet the tweet i made announcing it and say either good video or bad video and he never gives any further explanation.

5:57:41That's never says like that legitimately, but my algorithm, I think because I've looked at his page, it always shows me what his reaction is. Every time I post a video, he'll just be like bad video. And I'll be like, Oh yeah. Why? Damn it. Explain. Yeah. It's like, it's a 17 year old German kid. You're just like your entire her existence was wrapped up in this kid. He's like, good.

5:58:16And I'm over here like, damn you will. Like shaking my fist at nothing.

5:58:27It's like the kid from Charlie and the chocolate factory, just eating chocolate. It's literally just a gustus gloop, just covered in chocolate watching the videos. what is he planning what is he putting together i know he's scheming something over there yeah opened my eyes as we backed out the driveway saw mr wide mouth silhouette in my bedroom window stood motionless until the truck was about to turn onto the main road gave a pitiful little wave goodbye steak knife in hand

5:59:01you see that too right dad you see the tiny man in the window with the knife dude seriously you're killing my fucking buzz turn up this easy top and just shut the hell up if I have to hear one more word out of you for fuck's sakes I'm sorry let's play a game it's called shut up till Pennsylvania how's that sound that's not like a good game slug bug Jesus Christ

5:59:32Well if I can find it I'll be like the knight who slayed the dragon Yeah which is awesome Which is awesome I mean the most dangerous Full hearty things men have ever done In history have been for God and women That is the only two things We've ever built altars for Hey and Pokemon cards Am I right boys sure sure buddy i would you know what that's that's something that i definitively will say was not for women yeah sorry ladies step aside i got to open up my pokemon evolutions pack just a rock hard boner while he's standing in target

6:00:23is that how you met Allison yeah I met Allison I was like hello my lady just a huge hard on and target the smallest cock you've ever seen protruding from basketball shorts are you impressed looks like Wilbert's tail from Charlotte's Web it's corkscrew his little corkscrew cock yeah yeah yeah so i'm excited and also the title is just enticing in itself yeah evil evil family restaurant you know is this going to turn into something more like if you know the glenmont retro thing where metro where it starts off with or i mean dianias house whatever where someone just walks into a restaurant gets their head blown off or is it going to turn into like a uh you know five nights at freddy kind of meme you know it kind of it has like a weird uh it could go either way and i'm i'm excited to see but your brain just take all the stories we read and it like lays the tile the titles out randomly and you just like grab one at moments and stuff is that nice house not the one where it begins with the dude getting shot yeah it is it is but you started with the glenmont metro well because yeah i thought it was that one at first but no i i quickly caught myself because that's the kind of bear trap my mind is it's how fucking ironclad it is right it's it's a bear trap with an eight second delay timer no no it's a it's instantaneous actually while and then the bear is like 20 feet down the trail and then it's like did you hear that because it like shut up on a quarter of a millisecond before your heel even touches the metal activation lever on the bear trap it fucking grabs you that's how that's the steel bear trap that my mind is that caught uh the dionia house uh incorrectly because it originally caught uh The Glenmont Metro.

6:02:10Well, actually, see, it saw the heel coming, and it said, oh, hey, I remember Glenmont Metro. Oh, just kidding! And it switched it up. Because I think that it was bringing something in, like a prey, you know, like a predator to a prey, and then it sees the kill right there. It doesn't matter, dude. I don't have to fucking justify my brain to you, all right? Maybe AP Royal, maybe listen to this on Spotify, dude. If you're watching this right now, consider hopping in your top in your happy ass over to Spotify and listen to it there. You're talking to the author right now. Yeah. And that's the kind of, and that's the, that's the, that's the, that's the bear trap coming out.

6:02:48You gotta watch out. You're already, you're already mad at him. It's a suggestion. It's a polite suggestion. So now you're, now you're claiming that you're so quick witted that you're near, um, psychic with your, your knowing, well, I didn't want to have to go out and our expose my psychic ability can also be wrong at points. Well, see it's never wrong. So, so in other words, you're just, you're just guessing, you're just guessing redeemed. No, no, that, that British pull was the more I think about that, the more the British thing doesn't make sense because the whole point was like oh this one person's british but because you made everyone british it ruined that part of the story well i found redemption with them i see i that's the fucking premonition dude i told you even i didn't see that's the thing about the bear trap dude okay so you see stuff let me finish i the bear trap sometimes i can't even see through the fucking fog of my own power because i was like i was like is this going british there's something about this it makes it british and then sure enough we're on the fucking queen elizabeth liner there dude so so hold on so you don't you can't see specifically how it applies you can just see details well not all the time sometimes the power is so just so hidden in the fogs of my of the of my mind of these bear traps that i myself so what step into the bear trap as well you step into the bear traps you can tell what you're thinking you can tell what you're gonna do yeah With this power, Isaiah, you don't understand the complexities of how this kind of power works.

6:04:25Okay, so here's my point. If you can just pull random stuff and you don't necessarily know how to play, it's like you pulled British last time because you're super bear trap. For today's story, are you getting anything? Feel anything? Let me think. I think that it's probably going to be, I would say, an American, but I'm going to say that we're probably going to spend the majority of our time talking about like a restaurant probably some kind of you know family uh these are inferences the ones these are inferences these are all things you're pulling from the title no no see this is the the premonition i think that even that we're gonna sit there and then we're gonna have a point where i'm just gonna randomly think if there's gonna be somebody who's like uh sorry ma 'am that's not a problem and for how many and then they're like oh four please and then no are You scrolling down?

6:05:15No, no, no. In less of a minute, it was confirmed. She was scheduled for tomorrow at 7 PM. These are just things that are kind of coming to my mind. Her voice have reduced me to a teenager again, just kind of pulling visions of her watering her flowers and walking her dog. I'll compare my mind for the rest of the evening. Okay. All right. That was powerful. That was actually powerful. How that came to be, let's just dive in. All right. I don't have to prove myself. Okay. Hello. Sorry, ma 'am. That's not a problem. And for how many? four please in less than a minute it was confirmed oh my god she was scheduled for tomorrow at 7pm this is the stuff that I was saying okay go ahead sorry

6:06:00for one the audacity to do it in the first place to just read the story ahead and say it's a premonition but then the further audacity to call it out what is the next line though

6:06:16her voice had reduced me to a teenager again visions of her watering her flowers and walking her dog occupied my mind for the rest of the evening wow holy shit oh wow Wow. That is power. Dude, I, I am scary at times. I bet I could get psychic pebbles to do this podcast with me. Dude, don't even plant that seed in people's minds because they will want me out immediately. They will want me off of the show immediately. Who's another YouTube and really any of the only guys would probably do it. yeah who's another animator that I could like sell you for with a sudden eruption the dark haired woman that could only be Keith's sister shouts back to the crowd I'm calling the cops okay never mind I was wrong we were both wrong with a sudden eruption no dude I'd not bear trap into part 3 so you're still saying that it was an affair between her and Paulina I'm thinking so So the supper, this is the final part for the final.

6:07:31I'm excited to see it's Keith sisters looking because she's trying to figure out what happened to her brother, dude. Fucking maybe I'm still don't let, can a man dream? Can a man fucking dream? This is the first time that we've ever had a love triangle here with a girl with a dragon tattoo. Beautiful. Oh, beautiful. Paul, you just like it because you think they're both hot. You just like it because you think they're both hot. Well, you know what? Little bear claw action here, dude. Two sweeties wrapped up, dude. It's not a bear trap if the story said a thing happened. And then you say that same thing happened.

6:08:06Two bears. See, that's my bear trap working again. I said bear claw. A little twisted donut. Two sweeties wrapped up, man. What is a bear claw? I haven't heard that expression before. What? A bear claw. It's a donut. A bear claw is a donut? Yeah. You look at a bear claw. It's a donut that looks like a bear paw. Okay. What does that have to do? They're tied up there. It's a little bear claw. Okay, I don't have to fight. I'm saying they're two Swedes wrapped up in love here. I'm just saying that it was bear claw inside the bear trap. I'm calling it. I'm still keeping it there. I think my bear claw has not done me wrong yet.

6:08:46Called the British thing last episode. Calling this one here too. I'm telling you, man. Watch out. The one thing I would not do right now is bet against the bear trap. That's all I'm saying. Part four.

6:09:00Okay. I froze. Her wallet, her keys, everything was in the bag. I remember the note and suddenly my limbs felt weak. I jumped to the only logical conclusion. Julie never left. So congratulations, Mark. You killed Julie. Bear trap. Wait, what do you mean bear trap? When did you call that out? called it called her right before I said well she's dead remember boom hit the three hit the three okay what I'm not you know what the fader fader three out you want you want me to have an emotional reaction to your as soon as areola comes in at the end stands next to Paulina that's when you have to admit the bear traps real if that happens the bear traps real okay but until then no because it said oh her phone's there thanks mark like that's such a clear like she's dead right you don't get it when two sentences later confirms for us that she's okay whatever please do consider going there on uh apple podcast or spotify listening and giving us a nice rating it really does help us out so until next time everyone don't be eating at azaleas or if you find paulina hit me up let me know do that and uh most importantly hunter was wrong about uh his prediction there will be a redemption moment again the bear trap always gets it always gets its victim goodbye sure yeah have you quit recording okay uh hunter was wrong and uh i was right and he's also he does this a lot he'll say things are going to happen that don't happen and he has them cut from the recording in the end uh but he's lying if hunter ever tells you anything is right he has gone back and posted edited it uh and he lied he lies all the time he's full of lies but yeah great story check out the author bye had left me all his earthly and unearthly possessions uncle marsh's death had been as singular and strange as his life.

6:10:44In the early morning of July the 24th, 1954. Oh my God, bear trap moment. Absolutely fucking bear trap moment. Holy shit. What? What do you mean bear trap moment? Didn't they say it? I said it wasn't going to be in the 50s. You know what? That is a... Bear trap. Okay, that one was pretty good. That one was... I will say I was not getting 50s at all. I was getting like 1800s. Really? You were... Did you actually think it was going to be like 1800s? something about the reading in the early part made me feel like this was like an old village i mean dude it reads like fucking hansel and gretel or something yeah like i mean i agree that's what gave me the idea of like grim's fairy tale yeah yeah yeah i mean it has that vibe until he said high school or not high school he said summer summer break and i was like okay maybe not then but you you say in 50s i was like no way and that all right you know what you can have this one fine whatever you made a face and i worried it was suspicious and then worried more that my worrying was the only thing suspicious i had to settle down i nearly jumped when paul turned the locks and hit a button on the alarm system jesus chimed louder than i would have expected see that's what i'm that's what i'm saying dude i'm saying there's i think you're right the seeds are getting planted dude they're just like baby girl you ain't gonna run away so easily this time him.

6:12:02Yeah. Yeah. You, you get that vibe and it's not to clarify for the audience. It's not a bear trap moment. It's not. No, a hundred percent. First of all, it is what the description a hundred percent. No, it's not. No, no, no. It is. It's not because that's what, that's what the description said on the article we looked at the beginning. It said she breaks into someone's house only to regret it. So we knew that we knew that. Now, what is the noise you're making? What is that? That's the bear getting hit. Is that the noise a bear makes it like it's snapped by a giant metal trap do you think a bear's like a cow well have you caught a bear because i have many times my bear trap goes off quite a bit you shoot bears what kind of bears are there in kansas city blacker grizzly I like bears.

6:12:53Both of them. It's the only place. The crossover. That's why they call Missouri the crossover state. There's both kinds of bears there. You just kill all of them. It's a rite of passage for bears to walk through the St. Louis arch. And they have to do it. In downtown St. Louis. Exactly.

6:13:16Do bears have rites of passage? Is that a thing bears do? That's one of them. That's one of them. What's another one? Eating fish mostly and sleeping. It's not really, really. The St. Louis Arch is kind of the most flavorful one. All the other ones are where you got these back. Let me get this straight. To be a bear, to like earn your bear rights, you have to eat fish, sleep, pass through the St. Louis Arch. Yeah. Well, some bears also, they getting caught in Hunter's Bear Trap is also rite of passage. yeah yeah so your so your bear trap isn't just a mental thing you have also to be fair we don't we don't even know yet we don't know yet if the bear trap actually i think you're i i think it's hit okay first off finish what you said finish what you said i think you're right is what you're gonna say that's what you're gonna say you backed up and you cut me off and you cut me off no you cut me off i didn't back out of it you cut me off so i'm not track card active i'm not gonna fish trap i would coincidentally in this occasion set mine where yours is like that was a good lay to get out of here as opposed to your 17 other bear traps that are off in the brush somewhere aren't even turned on aren't even activated they're just shut up and thrown into the weeds this was a good place in this occasion

6:14:41don't be afraid of the of the screams in the night they are just the bears passing through

6:14:52have you ever seen top gear yeah well i mean like not all of it but i've seen episodes have you seen the clip where jeremy yeah jeremy sets up uh claymores for alligators around their camp i haven't seen that my wife likes a clark's farm or whatever uh yeah that show too anyways Let's fucking read the story. Anyway, yeah, yeah, yeah, the story, the story. James Baggy Jean's messy hair gave me a totally different vibe, but his bed was made, the walls were bare, and the desk in the corner looked like it had hardly been used. The one window in the room had a perfect view of the setting sun beyond the fields.

6:15:32Shadow cast a line between the pool below and the gazebo that was just barely visible from this vantage point. I heard a lock click. We need to go now. Okay, all right. This is the, no. it's not this is what stop making the bear noise this is what the article said and we clicked on the story so we had forewarning you what i will give you a bear trap about i'll give you a single bear paw is the reason james was so upset is that he was like why did you come back you're correct

6:16:07okay i've tried to make the best decisions in my life and all things considered things have turned out well for me for instance i remember the first time i saw our christine i felt such a strong surge of excitement and anticipation that i didn't even know what to say to her later when we made oh he's getting into okay when we made love for the first time i remember she cried okay what what what what the what the hell are we doing here she cried bro you honestly same same that's me too that's me that's me too man i feel you that's that's just what's like 58 minutes of me crying you know talking about um you know how i'm sorry how i'm scared and stuff like that that's typically how it goes yeah she cried if i'm honest I cried a little too.

6:16:59What? Oh, oh, you're right. Bear trap. Oh my gosh. Okay. Fucking bear trap. How do I, bro? How do I fucking? You know what? You know what? You know what? This one time that was a bear and you caught it in your trap. That was, I just don't even, that was a, did you look ahead? No, I did. I swear to God. Did you like scroll to the end? No, I swear. That was a hell Mary pass. That was, that was fucking, insane fade away three-pointer buzzer beater dude that's what that was that that was actually ridiculous that was actually that that okay good job wow okay so i was like why she cried why would you even mention that i cried a little too and then the next sentence and i think i was too hard on her initially scott i thought she was a whore like the old christine god this is i think living this story is brutal by the way this is yeah this is rough this is rough but yeah you're right the entire time it's been bad scott it's been evil scott writing this man i'm just i'm honestly so upset that you were right that i it's hard for me to continue but you were that right about something that about something i set you down and was like no no hunter that's not what's happening well i was just sitting there and i was like at what point even like right now when he's writing notes and stuff we've established that the guy can change it evil scott could change it right so i was like well what's the difference between that and him typing so i just figured at some point it would happen but i part two i was kind of in the same boat as you though where i was like maybe it's too early but that's a that's a great twist because because it's great because it reads like it's him pleading but really it's like that's what sounded like it's an earnest way of yeah Anywho, they're mine now Tell us of those years, old Jack The years I have now taken from you The years I can play with as I wish Like a child with his toys Oh, how nice How nice and lovely to be settled In a world where it's always dead with darkness And always alive with lights And where it will always Forever after Be Christmas Eve And that is The Antelise Christmas Story the end that was a fun one that was a fun one and I also want to say that was my bear trap by the way because what did I say earlier I said it's like those Christmas Eve's like you're going to a portal to a place where it's always there it's the same room the same faces and that is literally what this story was about so you know what hunter bear trap on my half on my behalf I'll give you all all bargain you a rat trap but not a bear trap i'll give you i'll give you a rat i'm not going to upgrade it from rat to beaver beaver beaver you a bear do you know how big a beaver do you understand how ironclad my bear traps are from another direction came a throbbing heart the size of a small car ambling along on its branching veins an equally gigantic steak knife protruding from its center like a metallic snout it reared back raising itself a full eight feet on its tendrils led out a high-pitched rat-like squeak nope i took i was dead on that that was my bear trap this episode the invaders m reference this is this entire thing feels like invaders it's invaders em uh fanfic yeah my name was deb and zim had done all of this for the most part carrie's newfound freedom changed her life very little mainly her trips involved picking up the members of her small group of friends and delivering them to Dan Bergens to watch anime and old horror movies in his basement.

6:20:41Go ahead. Say something. Say something. Go ahead. I think it's cool. I thought it was cool. You think it's cool. So now Scary Carrie's cool. Now it's cool. Me who believed in her up until this point and I'm going to be vindicated by the comment section by history. By the end of the story, I have been right the entire day. You know what? You know what, Hunter? Bear trap. Scary Carrie is the bear trap. This is a bear trap. If you get to call, if you get to pull a bear trap over just reading one paragraph ahead in a story i get bored over scary carry being cool which i said from the get-go it was the strange poker game you play when you're in love for the first time you feel like you'll die if you don't speak to the object of your affection as soon as possible but you know how crazy you'd seem if you filled up their answering machine with increasingly redundant messages that you were i think you actually the more this is going on the more you called it about um him becoming rob like this is a bad this is absolutely what i feel like rob was like maybe maybe the trap went off we don't know if there's a bear no that could be a cow that's carrie stuck in the bear trap her fucking frostbitten ankle carrie get the hell out of there girl sorry about that didn't see that one the toe brush You're such a jerk.

6:22:03You're a terrible person. That's Carrie in the bear trap. That feels like a joke. We've been accidentally setting up for two months. Yeah, it's Carrie in the bear trap. It feels kind of perfect for this story, doesn't it? She said yeah and ran her hand back through her wild hair not to get it out of her face. But like you would if you didn't know the answer on a test. After she left, I stood at the window for a long time staring out into the night at the place where her taillights had disappeared. Okay, was I not right then that he shouldn't have taken it to that degree? That it was not the time?

6:22:39I mean, probably no. I don't fucking know, dude. I don't know. Listen, I'm not a fucking, I have no idea, all right? Okay. There's mystical goddamn bells in the forest and there's a Russian foreign exchange student and the kid got set on fire. you were all about you were all about him going for it a second ago to be no listen listen i didn't say i was going for i'm just saying this is the part which bear that happens bear trap again i was like no this is the part it was stopping it was starting up the romantic scene and you're like oh i think this will be romantic like that's not a bear trap i said this is the part in the in the in the story or movie when the the getting's good is what i said that i didn't say i didn't want it to happen.

6:23:26I'm just saying that's all the signs were there. You did. You are right that you didn't say you wanted it to happen. So I'll let that one lie or someone climbing the stairs outside heavy footfalls indicated a large man or possibly someone who just walked like a Neanderthal never opened the door before he could knock and Jimmy Prescott walked in.

6:23:49Absolutely not bro. Dude, dude. Hold on, I said that. I said Jimmy Prescott. I said Jimmy Prescott. And you said no because he owns the sub shop or whatever. No, no, no, no. You said the sheriff. And I said, no, it couldn't be him. He's gone too far. And I said, I would thank Jimmy Prescott. And then I made the joke. But Jimmy Prescott runs the town. He could just say no. I don't think it'd be Jimmy Prescott. He was too evil either. I don't think it'd be Jimmy Prescott. I don't think it'd be Jimmy Prescott. I don't think it'd be Jimmy Prescott. I don't think it'd be Kim Pesco. All I know is...

6:24:25Bring that back. That was me. That's my... You know what? You know what? Me. Me. I play this. Turn that camera. I play this. Turn that camera. Trust me. There's nothing in there that would help you. So what are you offering us? Jimmy put his cigarette out directly on the glass coffee table next to him and leaned forward. The chance to take down your father. Okay, so... Damage. I'm attacked. Oh, hit back at you. I called it. Mine. My bear trap. That's not how that works. There's a way to throw a car. I have like five of these. Hold on. That one's me. No, I said that beginning. I was like, oh, no.

6:25:09This is going to be Jimmy Prescott here. Stop making the noise. It's mine. I did that. Is that a shotgun? Yeah, mine's more of a bear trap. I thought you were doing a crap claw. I said that's a trap. there's like I don't know where those went anyway I was so right about that by the way okay I'm so sorry Harrison it's fine it burns like a bitch though god here give me your clothes I'll wash them for you it's the least I can do yeah they need to they're checking his shirt his chaster is back for something I didn't give up my shorts but I gave her my shirt turned around to grab more paper towels to clean up the coffee on the table what's that on your back Yep.

6:25:50Yep. I'll look bear trap. I figured some kind of like birthmark or something maybe, right? Yeah, it's like a birthmark or something. Everyone is coming soon. We need this to work. The last message was right after that, and it was dated for the morning after Percy broke into my apartment that morning. Carson, I figured out the first process. I haven't saw the other one, though. It's a different prayer. But I don't know which one specifically. Well, I was wrong about Julio. I apologize it seems that he is a part of the gambit it's just a bit it was just a bit odd like I don't know just way too invasive with you were right I don't know you get your bear go ahead make the bear trap noise I couldn't believe that this little detail slipped from my mind I never considered it important and none of my co-workers mentioned it at all to me despite how seemingly obvious it was Sherino is my name unscrambled No shit That is an effective guess what It's what It's like not even Cleverly scrambled though Sherino Like it's H-A-R-R-I-N It's basically Harrison It's the last three Could you think there could have been a better name though Rash Rash I wonder if you could do something there's got to be a better name

6:27:22you sound like homer simpson the rash rhino rash rhino rash rhino would have been kind of sick too rash rhino you'd miss a h you'd be missing an h but it's pretty close i'll take it it's clearly my boss king creole in the flesh no button eyes no stitches nothing he was no doubt human in this picture that was surprising what surprised me most was the woman standing next to him in the picture because that was the porcelain woman i was oh man brother where's it at where's it at where's it at where's it at where's it at where's it at where's it at where's it at where is it at what did i say earlier that the woman down there is an old love interest boom play my card oh let's go that that bear trap wasn't nearly as good as my gypsy rose uh olivia talking about her mom Just want to say that you didn't even call it out as a bear trap.

6:28:15You didn't even call it out. I thought I was being respectful, but if you're being going to do it and put it in my face, then I guess I'm going to have to call it out. Now you're just doing it because I did. That's completely different. And also I have the card. You don't have the card. No. This episode is incomprehensible to people who are new to the show, by the way. Good. Leave! Only real fans allowed. I'm just kidding. Come back! Exactly. They walk away. No, no, no, no. don't don't don't call police bad idea we have to go go go police are coming get out go go what i murmured as i saw the messages you control tax controls police police will kill you we must go who is q the adversary yes i was oh oh where's my that that's i've laid out five bear traps that one just snapped so hard bro okay so the adversary is the term that satan means in the bible that's like the translation or what or the opponent the adversary something like that so q is the devil and who have we seen the devil alliterated to throughout the story mother horse eyes the mother so yes oh man oh man this story's so good she's inveterate mope there's no changing her you might be right sir i say sign well sis lovey not everybody can be as happy as i am some years ago i was much like elise down which uh my bear trap by the way is this is like um this is inside of like mother horse eyes world or whatever or one of the systems plugged in which i think is the same thing just in the future also you said sess lovey and it's say lovey is that bothering you.

6:29:59I just really respect the French language. So no, you do not. After you read, Je ne sais pas, the way that you did. Absolutely not. Je ne sais pas un a l 'éle de bêle bêle. That's perfect. Fluent. Fluent French rat talk. That almost sounds like you're trying to do a Jamaican accent, trying to pronounce a French accent. Yeah. Say love. Emon.

6:30:31Oh, just in the middle. This is all like, they're all Victorian England characters. And then there's just like a modern Jamaican guy over there pretending to be a friend. There's fucking Eddie from Tekken hopping around the room.

6:30:49What's wrong with her? Oh, she stays in the corner of the room until i fall asleep even though i sprinkle cuisine all over the bed i hope that soon we can sleep together like we used to yeah i'm i'm calling it i was right about my cat theory i think that that character is a cat i've been lying in bed all day weeping all around the room there are pictures of the very first angelica my darling girl in the pictures she's not sick she's eating ice cream learning to swim playing cards i showed them to the new angelica but she couldn't understand after all she's just a cat let's go i wish i would have said it sooner i wish i would have said sooner i was thinking it i was thinking it back at the end of the last story with the oily ones mentioned but yeah all the stories where the characters talked about the oily ones that has been a cat he laughed it was the first time he had heard him laugh like that well ever that didn't say much considering we had known one another for less than a week but time seems to drag out after you have some freaky shit with someone matching tuxedos okay this is this is my bear trap this next line is my bear trap i nodded decisively with plaid bow ties

6:32:16you know why isaiah because you are this person that's why that's not a bear trap that's a mirror that's a new thing i'm introducing what that's one of the worst things you've ever said to me on the show what do you mean i'm this person what do you mean explain yourself right now i'm propping up my mirror is what i'm saying that's that's my new bear trap how is that me how I could just I could see matching tuxedos and then you would have a plaid bow tie I could see it in a heartbeat don't you ever also I feel like you go to more weddings than I've ever heard anyone ever go to yeah because I got like 40 friends who all got married this year and it's and it's I'm at my limit they all get one if they get divorced I'm not going to the next one or whatever I do I do I think that's only fair you get one you get one that's our episode thank you so much for watching us on YouTube, listening to us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, all that jazz.

6:33:08And of course, thank you to our awesome patrons who support the channel, get a little extra kick back on the side for content. And we will see you in the next one, guys. We'll see you in the next one. Also, I had one bear trap. I never had none, so that means I won that episode. I had one, or no, that was the last story. The Jesus one. Oh, that's Jesus in this one. I had one bear trap. No, that doesn't count. You said that was a bear. You said it was a bear trap. I mockingly said it was a bear trap because the character says Jesus and you go Jesus? Oh wait, Jesus. And then the other character goes, I don't think you could get him.

6:33:40He did. And you said well, you kind of had a future bear trap. I was being a little you know what? You get half of one. I'll give you that. So that's one versus half. That's a full rear back of a bear trap. That's a locked leg in that bear trap. Perfect timing. Look at that. Light went out. Okay. I win. Bye. No. Alright, with that out of the way are you ready to begin? Let's get it. Let us begin, if you could, cue the music.

6:34:10Ozymandias by me. Oh. Bear Trap. What is this slide? They made this... Bear Trap! Ooh, gotcha. That's a late Bear Trap for me not writing anything. Even on my story, I can't get away from you. That's right. Call your shots now. What is this story about? What do you think the story's about? The title's Ozymandias. Well, you said it was a Breaking Bad theme, but knowing you, it's going to be religious. Do what? It's going to have religious tones. Okay. I think it's going to be about an old man. Okay. Hot or cold on that thing. Is there an old man? I'm not talking to you. Definitely a cold old man And I like to think that he's gonna find some kind of obelisk dare I say Lovecraftian And I think it's gonna end with the with the old man.

6:35:16I think he's gonna get take by a demon All right, well we have What are we doing? You're dressed like a fairy Hey, come on, man. I look cute. My wife shoved lipstick on my face for 30 minutes before the show. All right. Not like that. All right. All right. Kathy was always thoughtful like that, and her empathy did not only belong with her wealth of soiled blankets. Whenever she wasn't home, she spent her time at church.

6:35:53B-b-b-b-trap. Mickey Mouse blanket. I'm 19 and I just got my driver's license. I better put it in the passenger seat. It's safer to drive that way. My lips are very large.

6:36:20Amen.

6:36:27that's funny to pray and just tell god like did you know my lips are big i love you god

6:36:38the government of the time many times more powerful than any chieftain of day captured the hellhound they performed experiments tried to understand where it channeled its energy from progress was good it looked as though even the secret to immortality could be gained from this dog, but accidents occur. The betrayer, as they call her, who worked at the government facility felt sympathy for the God dog. Whoa, there you go. Hunter, look. God dog. He showed up. You said dog God. Good dog. I said good dog. What did I say? No, that's right. That's right. You said good dog. I think that's what you said.

6:37:17God. Either way, there's your bear trap. Because as we know, this super 100-year-old dog would be called God dog. Jane replied, taking the man's order. Wow. That sounds like a winner. You made the syrup? Well, yes. You got a lot of talent. Okay, so the way this is going, she might actually get recruited by the CIA. Stop Jeff the Killer. You think so? That's where I feel like this is going. You got a lot of talent, kid. I am the one who knocks. Jesse, we have to cook. Jane, we have to cook. Walter White and Jamie Fuller If you don't know who I am Then I would tread Lightly Okay would you like the pomegranate syrup or the Come on I'm not gonna go into Flynn's voice Jamie went back into the kitchen to get the man's food prepared While he was waiting he fumbled with a button on his earpiece I was Man we found the perfect woman so hard to be so right all the time

6:38:32clerk ulysses yeah you're under arrest for vandalism and trespassing on private property the officers flanked him and pulled him to his feet i stared at the car

6:38:50I stared at the cops in bewilderment. Clark's eyes were wide.

6:38:59When I went to cop, I was sorry. When I went to cop your license, I checked it against our records. Last night, someone called a report and said that you would, that you'd been to their home and sprayed thief on their house and then attacked him when he came out to stop you just the idea of a cop like you go to a police station you're like this guy stole my identity he is they haven't mentioned the kidnapped girlfriend which is insane absolutely crazy he uh has stolen all of my money he broke into our house and then it's like the cops like weird it looks like last night that same guy that they're saying did all this said these two were at his house.

6:39:43We better arrest them. Why would you also not? Why would you not also? Why would you also not lead with, hey, he's kidnapped my girlfriend. He's kidnapped a woman. He told me he kidnapped a woman. He holds him a gunpoint. And then the cops still like, were you at his house last night? Yeah. Okay. Arrested. Okay. Trespassing is not a joke, young man. Look, you know what? If you trespass to my house, I would kill your girlfriend too. Alright, you ever think of that? That's what he says. I hung up the phone. I didn't want to talk to her about Katie because I was about to file her missing person report.

6:40:25I walked over to the reception desk. I was just talking to an officer and then he arrested my friend and walked off. I need to talk to the officer on my other case about identity fraud. What case number?

6:40:40I'm... I have nothing to say. I was just talking to an officer and he arrested my friend. Anyway, I need to talk to the other officer. I'll deal with that in a second. Excuse me, ma 'am. Excuse me, yeah.

6:41:04Oh. We will invoke those who lurk at the threshold. those unnamed blasphemies from the great outside. And then, my friend, we are all ruined. God bless you. That is the average text from Hunter at three in the morning. That is just what I do. Isaiah, I think I'm having a heart attack. The pizza rolls and whiskey have finally caught up with me, and the Grim Reaper is by my nightstand. He chuckles and does Fortnite dances at me. the last

6:41:41he keeps telling me of you he keeps telling me of a chinese man that's haunting my dreams i mean this in the best way uh and not you and allison are a lovely couple and i think you guys are never going to break up but i mean this was full sincerity you have all the makings of a divorced father thank you

6:42:10in the best way like like the humor the jokes the whiskey and pizza rolls dinner it's like built into you also that mean was that too far no that's that's fine i think it's true it is built into me i consume it and then it builds itself like little legos it is i wouldn't even say it's note-taking sometimes it feels like a direct like like trying to almost conversate with yourself in some weird way of like some i i don't know i'm just saying i've done i'm curious if other people who are listening to this if if they've done something similar in some weird way yeah i've done i've done strange stuff like that i've left pranks for myself before like i've been on an old laptop what does that even mean what do you i've been i've been old on old laptops and stuff like that and it'll be i've like found passwords that are like um there's not passwords it'll be a document that's held like uh bank account passwords and i'm like why did i have to save and i'll click on it and it'll just be like a word doc that just says like idiot or something like that oh i see i see like in like at some point years back i was like i'm gonna leave a file that just says idiot but i'm gonna title it something important just so years later i prank myself or prank somebody else stumbling upon the computer or something yes but it's always myself it's always me who sure is pranked by my own i don't think so and then you kick your feet and you giggle yeah and i'm like i'm like sitting on my bed doing this and like my feet are in the air i'm going yeah wow i'm so funny i'm so creative then you go to the bank and then they're like hello mr idiot and you're like huh what and they that did your actual entire account is built on that name i like call kayla and i'm like sweetie what's going on she's like i don't know idiot what's happening i don't know you fucking idiot what do you think's happening oh no it's like an end of a twilight episode or twilight zone episode or something like rod sterling walks in he's like an idiot in his own world yeah a complete and total fucking moron approaches and realizes that he has the dumbest fucking name imaginable He's so stupid he forgot he made his name Idiot Yeah, he's so fucking stupid That Idiot fits the name Of course this can only happen In the Twilight Zone There's a real photo of a man with a ventriloquist dummy The scary part of the picture was That the man with the dummy had no mouth Instead, there was blood on his face Where his mouth was supposed to be The dummy had fire in his eyes And an insane smile I had to choke back some vomit after watching it

6:44:52It's just kind of funny. They always do that. Like, you remember Squidward's suicide where they keep throwing up over and over? I was so, like, I had to throw up. I was so grossed out. But all they described was... There is a man with no mouth. With a ventriloquist dummy. With a ventriloquist dummy on his knee. And the dummy's eyes are on fire. He's like, I'm gonna hurl!

6:45:18And an insane smile. Don't forget the insane smile. Of course. And all of a sudden, the screaming of the fans stopped. And when all four of them turned around to check, all of the fans were on the ground, burning to a crisp. Paul, clearly petrified, asked, What? What happened? So wait, hold on. The screen cuts back, and everyone's dead. Burning. Okay, yeah. Then the scene showed Ringo vomiting out red vomit with chunks of brown meat. Something caught my eye. I paused and looked closely at the vomit and there was the face of Hitler.

6:45:59Jarvis freeze. Jarvis pause. Enhance. Mind Fura. No. Oh. Oh no. In the vomit. No. Not in the vomit.

6:46:22Wait, pause that rewind enhance enhance. Oh my God.

6:46:37I was somewhat shocked that a man who killed millions of people and soldiers was in a cartoon about the beetle. like i was like he's still gonna wrap his head around this week like why would they make this why are they giving that guy free press that's not very beatles like hitler being mania was nazi stuff i never do that that's weird he did in the vomit the whole time just forget about it john sharply shouted back but what about our fans oh don't give a

6:47:18they censored it in the story too because they're 14 and their mom would get mad if they typed it out it's it's f star star k mom you can't get mad it's f star star k dude the next sentence i was shocked that this episode involves john saint but i decided to continue on then Ringo proceeded to bust down the door with his trademark strong sexy insect what am I reading Ringo proceeded to bust down the door with his trademark strong sexy insect legs and there was a humongous safe that was the size of an SUV what am I reading

6:48:03there's no tell I feel like I'm being waterboarded I'm kind of just like please make it stop they didn't know what the combination was but for some reason it wasn't locked up all the way they opened it up and they found out john's secret he was a satanist

6:48:27there was a dead body of a woman on a pentagram drawn in her blood and her with her eyes gorged out. There were dead animals, a fan-made Necronomicon, and goat skull on a pentagram. That is fucking scary. I'm so scared right now. That is fucking freaky, man. Not the Beatles. Not John, no. In fear, George fell to the ground. Paul had to choke back vomit. it Ringo ran over to the corpse and yelled out Jenny he then slumped to the ground closing his eyes then Ringo started crying in a sad way then the screen showed the view of the sun setting from John's legs. Screen immediately went to John's face that he had a mad expression and rapid moving mouth.

6:49:38He had red in his left iris. His dick looked like his dick looked like it was ripped by a rabid raccoon. He had a noose around his neck. He was about to commit suicide. He shut his eyes and jumped. Hold on. I just want to say that this man was murdered in real life. Yeah, this is a guy, this is a guy that got shot. Yeah. This is a man who was actually murdered in real life in broad daylight. And they're like, his dick was ripped off by a rabid raccoon and he hung himself.

6:50:14I mean, you think about that. Yeah. He's a fucking Satanist. I like it. They're just like besmirching this man's name. Yeah. Wouldn't that be creepy? Wouldn't that be creepy if you just did that? one pulled out a syringe trying to aim for Jane's neck but Jane took the needle and stabbed the doctor between the eyes and injected an air bubble into him two guards with automatic weapons tried to fire at Jane but she grabbed both of their arms causing them to fire at each other one agent fired at Jane but the bullet didn't faze her a bit the wound automatically and quickly healed up she's Wolverine She's literally Wolverine.

6:50:58Your bones, Jane. The maid of the strongest metal. She's like in there like... Using her karate she learned from Sheriff. Thank you, Sheriff Nick. No problem, no problem. Thank you, Sensei. She approached the agent who was still firing multiple shots at Jane and snapped his wrist in two. They spelled it I-N-T-O, not into two. snapped his wrist into one we'll never know showing fractured bones and blood spurting everywhere an orderly standing in at six foot five three hundred plus pounds tackled jane attempting to subdue her but jane had the upper hand of course flipped him over on his side and snapped him neck in two.

6:51:50He snapped me neck in two!

6:51:59The cry was not as expected. It was merely a hick, a gasp, choking. I caught a glimpse of the baby before the nurses rushed him out of the room. His spine bent as if a string yanked the back of his head to his heels. his torso is that funny hunter it's kind of weird weird chinese finger trap baby pull out well that's not right that's what i described if i was the doctor delivering delivering it well that's not right the first thing i said okay sorry go ahead

6:52:36guys just insane like a child with a birth defect quote chinese finger trap baby come on man it can kind of make sense right when you have to push it together it's like a contorted it doesn't i understand what you meant sure yeah i processed it it was the choice of words i'm not doing right i am not doing right by by the asian community with this episode so far no no and i apologize for that i apologize i have his address if anyone wants it i'll sell it for $14. That is so cheap. I know. It's to send a message. His torso was a stump compared to the ski pole limbs attached and the eyes bulging from his skull.

6:53:18They clung to their sockets like balloons inflated in a roll of duct tape.

6:53:29It looks like a little Brian Peppers popping out, doesn't it? Was that his name? It's not funny. Do you remember Brian Peppers? Does that not sound like the image of him? I remember Brian Peppers, yeah. But when I read that, just because of how, like, the language was kind of literal for a while, that it got, like, very figurative. So I imagine, like, there's literally two balloons taped to the kid's head. His torso was a stump. Like, the doctor turned around and was like, ta-da! And he, like, made a balloon animal on his head. Yeah, let me tell you, this is, he should not look like this. Yeah.

6:54:04like oh how'd that happen he's like hurriedly tying up like a poodle balloon animal behind him yeah big clown nose what do you think of that it's a sword

6:54:19that would be you as a doctor yeah i know looks like a tommy gun balloon gun here huh just kidding Your kid's dead

6:54:31The silence was somehow more eerie Than the threat of the whistlers Ira felt it too As about 15 minutes after dark He stood up and started whooping and whistling Out into the rain Calling and screaming in a tone That didn't sound like him Nope Okay I think you need to shoot Ira I think you need to get rid of that You need to pull a little fucking of mice of men on them or whatever the fuck or grapes of wrath, whichever one it is where they shoot the guy at the end. Mice of men. Mice of men. Give him one of those. Give him a rabbit and pull the trigger. That's all I got to say. The thing of the rabbits, Lenny, I think, I like her explanation for it is like, the dark's kind of eerie.

6:55:14I guess Ira feels kind of eerie too. Yeah. Well, he sure is scared. Poor kid. I'd kill him Who doesn't speak anymore Just mumbles to himself You want to bark boy You want to go out there and start barking What is it Whatever you do Don't fuck Bill Or I'll go crazy Yeah I don't have problems You said that with a lot of uncertainty Andy.

6:55:55Please stop it.

6:56:03Bill's like, oh, did he hear about us? Fucking yeah. Bill. No. That's when he gets up. Just dead sprints off the woods. Yeah. Yeah. How life is different for some people like that. Like I remember when I was reading House of Leaves in the intro, it talks about like the police are investigating an apartment building that someone died in. And they're like, at first, the police had questions as to why none of the... What was it? Nothing in the house had labels. The light in the fridge was out. Stuff like that. It's like, oh, he was blind. And it's like, oh, yeah, I guess you wouldn't need the light bulb in the refrigerator.

6:56:44It would take a lot more for me to make that delineation. I think there were more layers than that. Actually, hold on. Man, you're really putting, you're really selling House of Leaves is a real crime thriller here. I mean, they went in and the fridge didn't have a light bulb. So put two and two together. He's blind.

6:57:13Wow. I feel like I'm listening to Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs right now. That's impressive, man. Wow. that fridge out there i have had the light go out there but everyone just leaves it because they're like well it's the garage fridge who cares it is possible for the light bulb to go out of a fridge yeah that's a blind person's house that happens so you would never know so you would never know that's true uh okay the uh hey if you guys are listening to this this enthralling episode of uh cat and mouse um listen to it on spotify we appreciate you i really and i got and i gotta tell you too we really need a uh this needs to be a strong story last week i've been seeing the people our viewers are revolting against us we need a we need a strong one here if you didn't enjoy that then i don't know who you are because i was having your time of my life you're me you're him you get you didn't enjoy that you were me and you didn't know that fridge is light bulbs could go out that's you that's what you sound like god my stomach hurts today it's true well i'm just letting you know i've i've been drinking this chocolate milk i think it's spoiled i think it's gone bad why are you still drinking it i mean it's almost done i feel bad if i just dump it out if it's bad throw it out you and kayla are the same way she will eat rotten food because she's like i don't want to be wasteful it's like it's already gone to this is this is definitely and it's it's almost uh it's like a greek tragedy i'm like it's like oedipus rex or something i'm looking at this and it's resembling the last bit of chocolate milk in the bottom of the chateau local milk bottle is uh it looks like the diarrhea that's going to be in my toilet later that's what it feels like okay can we go to the store before you say something else I don't like.

6:59:05Sour like a warhead. Yep, let's do it.

6:59:10Milk should not be sour. Okay, actually, I'm going to step right here to my mini fridge and I'm going to grab a drink. One sec. You pull out a giant a giant bottle of vodka. Alright, I was actually sitting here listening to see if you had anything snarky to say, and you did, so you failed. I thought you could hear me. I was obviously talking to you. And that time, I got up actually to get the drink, so I tricked you twice. You're a sick fuck. That's very House of Leaves of you. Okay, shut up. That's an amazing book. I love just saying that like brilliant cat and mouse game you're playing with me.

6:59:53It reminded me of my favorite horror crime novella. What are you talking about? Cat and mouse game. Just cat and mouse. That's what all crime throws are. You're trying to catch the perp when they go in. They're like, how exactly? Okay. But the cat. No, no, no. The cat. No, no, no. What I was reading is the opening of House of Leaves. No, no, no. The cat. No, no, no. The cat asks if he's blind. How did he ride on the wall? And then the mouse does, you'll have to find out. That mouse. Okay. All right, let's get into it. Can we get to, okay, let's get into it. The whole idea of like being, you're waking up at 6 a.m.

7:00:29They're like, it's kind of early at 6. She's kind of groggy. And then she's like, I think someone's in my house. I feel like you'd be like, what? What the fuck? That's weird. Like, I think she was giving off normal vibes. And then even when she's like, well, I'll just call in and say, I'm going to be late and I'll swing by. Like, it's very receptive. And then all of a sudden you have a key. no it's like very short answered before it was very ever flowing so i don't know there might be something there that's interesting though i think you're right though there's definitely a tonal shift on purpose there no matter what the um one thing's for certain is that that chocolate milk is work i mean like i am having to hold everything in right now go ahead you can you can run to the bathroom no i i want to see i'm i'm kind of hooked right now on seeing if you can hold it in or the story, the story, maybe both.

7:01:14What would happen if you just violently, if I had a violent diary in my pants, I would show the audience. It would show you the back of my legs and everything. Okay. But I want to, I want to know what happens. Okay. All right. If that, if that milk gets too bad, you need to let me know, you know, I'll switch to mobile and I'll record that way. Okay. All I hung up I hung up I'm imagining now that like the camera's cutting back and forth between my normal setup and you like in a dark bathroom with the phone right under your chin and like you can just hear very loud toilet noises I don't want to come to that please read look if you don't groove through that portal stuff they'll probably just kill you and take your place I think the next time you return home people have figured that out yeah so the only logical solution is to never go home and firebomb the house yeah so basically he's just saying if you go back you're gonna die 100 if you go back this thing is certainly going to kill you yeah there's no question all right are we ready for the final part oh boy i'm ready how are we doing milk boy you ready can you do it i'm so stoked i can't wait to have a diarrhea after this it's gonna be awesome isn't it and then while you're doing it you can think about a hunter a spider hunter right behind you yeah a gangly spider hunter who's learning how to have diarrhea yeah he's like taking all of his uh sour milk and drinking it profusely and he's just like oh up in the corner oh yeah oh now i'm like first time bud yeah hunter just makes friends with it yeah i'm like you're all right but you want some more sour milk this big nasty cicada person yeah

7:03:10i'm like fucking pussy drink it all right last public part i'm stoked uh if you guys haven't noticed yet you should 100 sign up for this coffee and read more of this story yeah this person is great i think emma watson but Dumber has proven herself quite well. If I do say so myself. Very stoked. She glances at the exit and grabs her purse. Wait, Paulina. Hear me out for a second, please. She stands up. I follow suit, reaching for her shoulder. Paulina, I won't see anything, I swear. The bell above the exit door jingles is a swing shot behind her. You dumb son of a bitch. Yeah. She murdered her husband and children, Hunter.

7:03:54It's Paulina, though, dude. Speaker 0 0 5 6oul to this is, this isn't just a like a cute, cute mom next door. This is like she killed her kids. Please, please love your neck. She is a black widow. She's going to eat you next. Oh, here she comes. Watch out, she'll chew you. She's a man Eat a watching him. I love that song. and waiting. Did that mean you sing that at karaoke? I think so. We definitely, we definitely say some hall knows for sure we did. Yeah. I know there was that one. There was, there's definitely out of touch. I know. Yeah.

7:04:45You know what? With the mention of hollow notes, I'm back in. I'm in. Yeah, exactly. Pauline is back in. She murdered her family. But then you brought up Man Eater. I'm like, well, you know what? Maybe there are fates worse. I can see you watching in the night. Come along with me. I've been waiting for the sunlight.

7:05:15when I feel cold, you won me and when I feel I can't go on, I come and pull you cuz it's you and me forever. Speaker 1 0 6 00 3 00 Speaker 2ck smile. That's what I love Sarah's smile. That's a good one too. That was a good one that bangs you are such a good singer it's frustrating little girl turned around and to my surprise didn't flinch at all at King Creole's appearance in fact she had stars in her eyes when she saw him are you the wish man she asked quickly and excitedly why I do believe I am he responded after a chuckle and a smile the smile was different than the one he usually wore his hunter I don't know

7:06:12Also the voice that I'm doing, I'm imagining that the girl is gypsy Rose, by the way. So just keep that in mind. Keep that in your mental, your mind. Hello. Like gypsy Rose now or when she was six? I don't care. Either one of them.

7:06:32I wish my mom was back.

7:06:38Speaker 0 7, I'm just going to roll over that one. Yeah. We can, we can cut that one. No, we're not cutting it, but I just want it. I know you're not gonna, we're not gonna I just want it. I just want it to be known that I didn't participate when you did that. But I think the part of what you've said should be left in. His normal smile always gave off an air of creepy judgment. Like someone knowing the person they were talking to was inferior. But a smile this time seemed genuine. Can you grant me a wish? I am just thinking about Gypsy Rose. You killed it immediately. Livia looked like she was holding back the floodgates.

7:07:32They finally broke as she started crying and hiccuping, using her free arm to wipe her face as she cried. But she managed to blurt out an answer to Creole. My mommy!

7:07:47Gypsy! My mommy!

7:07:54I was like, why is that so funny? And I forgot. • What? You? What bit? You had set up a moment ago. You see, clearly king creole is going to be thene vaan online person. She met there. She starts having sex with him. She's like, yeah, King creole. You should go and stand my �п 35 x."

7:08:161954ノ lime 00 ig 00 I think for what I think king creel is gonna do that. Anyway. Yeah, 100%. I think That's where this is going. Yeah. As if on cue, front door slammed open, nearly breaking a shelf near it. As a woman came into the shop, I could tell she was Olivia's mother by the resemblance of her to her crying daughter. Olivia, what the hell are you doing in this place? Is her mom scary? Carrie, her mom's gypsy's mom. Yeah. I'm a dainty little princess. Big old girl, big old woman. she shouldn't have left where I told her to stay woman spat my boss's face. I could smell the alcohol on her from here.

7:09:02Fingers. I'm not paying for whatever she asked for Olivia over here. Get the car. She screamed.

7:09:14You have ruined this entire dynamic. No, it's good. No, it's your fault because now in my head, it's the voodoo man from princess and the frog standing next to a man dressed as a prostitute as gypsy Rose towers behind him and gypsy Rose's mother is yelling like the gaggle. I just got out of prison. I need you to help me. The incomprehensible gaggle of people in this store is completely throwing off. Get her away from me. She's a bad woman. Stop with that voice. What? It's me. Hello.

7:10:05Reaching out, he took the correct doll and brushed it off, blowing on it and sending the dust into the mother's face, sitting her on a coffin fit.

7:10:15I smiled at that.

7:10:29I smiled at that. Seeing my boss stand up for this poor girl. Poor little gypsy rose. Miss gypsy Rose.

7:10:48That's where I draw the line. No, no, no. That's why, that's why I'm in the sand, rewriting the names of characters within the story to fit your sick little game. Little Miss Innocent Metal Tooth Mouth Gypsy Roar. Now, okay. Miss Olivia.

7:11:16Miss Olivia.

7:11:23When she walked into the store, she was immediately greeted with her host, bouncing in excitement. Yay! You're here! You're here. I've been waiting all day.

7:11:39Is that good? Is that? Does that sound like my little pony?

7:11:49It is. It is haunting. Come on. Well, you know what? Good. How close that is to your gypsy rose impression.

7:12:06the most knowledge I have of my little pony is the Jenny Nicholson video about it. So I know that like, I know that like the, the act, the voice, all the voice actors and actresses are like serious voice actors and actresses. So I imagine pinky pie's voice doesn't sound, you know, I'm not going to look at it. So are you saying, should I make it more straight instead of being so bubbly. Um, yeah, I realistically, yes, but for the sake of what we're doing today, here, let me, let me try this. Well, just leave it. You're here. You're here. I've been waiting all day. That's probably about right. Yeah.

7:12:46Is rainbow dash a guy or a girl or is that, um, I want to say a girl. Hold on is rain, but the, my search history right now step two turn off all the lights in the house go to your front door which must be wooden and place the paper with your name on it in front of it now take the candle and light it place the candle on top of the paper with your name step three knock on your own door 22 times the hour must be 12 a.m upon the final knock then open the door blow out the candle and close the door you have just allowed the midnight man into your house just just like sorry i did not expect midnight man

7:13:34you just allowed the midnight man that does read kind of funny just like yeah the midnight game whatever all of a sudden it's like knock on the door 22 times blood the candle you just invited the midnight man into your house congratulations what

7:13:57it is funny because i remember reading it because i would have been like 10 or 11 when i heard this the first time and i just remember like reading that line just getting scared out of my mind what does a midnight man look like to you well that that's the thing it could be anything no i mean like whenever you do you remember like a shadow man like a like a hat man kind of figure like a void right thing yeah yeah the look on my face was pure incredulity despite the evidence your father the diligent soldier he was came to me and reported what he had been told we couldn't allow that so we scoured ancient text and we found a way to the trap and we found a way to trap gabriel

7:14:46They looked at some like old scrolls. They saw a giant butterfly net. Of course. Of course. It's like the dad went and stood underneath.

7:15:01The dad went and stood underneath a giant cardboard box with a stick propping it up. Gabriel, I can't hear you. Can you come over here? I need you to be closer. It's nothing. Just come here. You guys. Hold on. Right next to the box, they have a giant spinning frying pan. As soon as the box drops, just ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

7:15:40Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep. So we scoured ancient text and we found a way to trap Gabriel. I tried to see who it was for my limited movement. Clark's face appeared over the fence. That's my cue to leave. It's been good catching up with you, Xander. Okay. The author has to know, right? Yeah. I mean, you're 100 % right. We are in Green Goblin territory for sure. Yeah. Yeah, like writing stuff like, that's my cue to leave. That's my cue to leave. Yeah. It's very, this is very plainly for fun. Yeah. I mean, this makes me think it's definitely like anime inspired kind of stuff.

7:16:25Like, hmm, well, I guess that's my cue to leave. And he pushes up his glasses. And he like teleports away in a cloud of smoke. Only fools are heroes. Yeah, only fools are heroes, Xander. Pick a side, Spider-Man. Invest in the Bitcoin. Spider-Man. Blockchain. Yeah, it's the blockchain, Spider-Man. Ethereum's more practical, but Bitcoin's more profitable. Like, what the fuck are you talking about? Get out of here. Oh, man. You know what? I'm sorry. I was wrong to this story to take it seriously in the beginning. This is fun. I'm having a good time. They're called NFTs, Andrew.

7:17:12And once we get Haley Welch, our plan will be complete. I just drew you and Haley Welch making sweet love and sold it on the NFT market.

7:17:24But how could you? Some people consider this fine art. Okay. All right. Once he finished opening the last gift from the family member, the clown walked up to Jake and handed him the gift bag he had been carrying around the entire party. watched as Jake's mom tried to stop the clown from handing Jake the gift while my uncle held her back. What? It's just funny to be like, No! No! The uncle's holding her back, and then Jake's are like, oh, cool, a present. You fucking run, kid! Run! God! What the fuck? I mean, like, I mean, 10, they should know something's up. They should be like, what's the problem?

7:18:0810, 10 years old is your mom like no, no. And your uncle's like holding her back. Whatever. And he's like, all right, cool. Thank you for the gift. Fucking idiot. What the fuck?

7:18:24That would be you as a kid. Oh my God. Sweet. Yeah. It's just candy. It's like hamburgers and candy. I'm like, awesome. I'm super hungry. Thank you. Your mom's crying. And you're like, what's your problem? Exactly. Bob, would you shut the fuck up? I'm eating candy burgers jesus the fuck's your problem jesus christ we all watched as jake thanked the clown and opened the gift bag taking out handfuls of tissue paper until he reached in and pulled out the gift it's a book i saw his mom sign relief jake turned the book over in his hands looking at it it was a small hard cut I just I just laughing if the bomb was if the book was like a bomb yeah just blew up his face oh my god just kills everyone in the party like oh thank you for the boom he paused beside her eyes turned upward to the dreadful cloud swallowed the entire skyline hiding stars moon alike quite the view what can I do for you Jonas She asked her tone clipped unwilling to indulge small talk.

7:19:31I mean, to be fair, well, yeah, quite the view. It's like, why don't you fuck off? And what do you not see this thing coming towards us? Exactly. It's like, this thing's like eating. It's consuming the top half of the planet. Everyone can hear it in their skull. And then a guy from the department of anomalous phenomenon kicks open the door and says, I need to talk with you Quite the view up here Quite the view Might as well make a little bit of light hearted The uh What department is he in? Oh anomalous I don't know why I thought you said McDonald's Phenomena What the fuck Sorry Obese brain Ronald McDonald comes in The secret The only way to stop this cloud is to give it a Cheeseburger That would actually be way more terrifying If she's on top of the She's on top of the roof And she turns around and through the little wire Glass you can just see Ronald Yeah Quite a view up here I need to talk to you Why does he sound like What does Ronald sound like Does he have a voice I think that if he speaks His voice is so low That if he speaks children shit their pants that's what happens so he has to remain quiet does he ever speak in the media that hamburgler wishes everything he touches would turn to mcdonald's cheeseburger what would what would ronald have to say i swear i've heard him say this burger's tasty that's what no no i've heard that and every in every video is just smiling and like a mime and he's like dude there's like one i feel like there was like an ad campaign where he's like just giving the shush sign and i was like what the fuck yeah i know right you're in the play place between us now the play place crawling around you're in the play place also i love the rock rock reference the uh that's where i've heard that that's what you're thinking that's it that's it where he's like is that Hungry Jacks Billy starts beating the shit out of the kid what the fuck are you looking at that's so good got something to say Billy obviously it's not it's not McDonald's all right even though I kind of wish it was Note for the author Maybe include Ronald McDonald Note for the author should have had Ronald McDonald show up on top But specifically the rock-a-rock Version of Ronald McDonald Jonah enters the room and sits down His Blu-ray copy of The Founder on the table You're gonna want to see this

7:22:26This will tell us Everything Okay People stop and stare at them compulsively pupils dilate him while their clouded mind registers god only knows a lot of people say the exact same thing in the same exact tone and rhythm every single time

7:22:48that sounds good enough to eat that would drive me fucking insane by the way if everyone did that imagine it you're like hey girl how you doing

7:22:59that sounds good enough to eat until i would go to the nearest store buy a rope and do what you know i'm gonna do all right do you remember that time we were at the mexican restaurant outside and you got attacked by a bunch of flies why why even why even bring that what where the fuck did that come from we were thinking about food and what you went to do okay they were vicious flies i know that doesn't sound very threatening but it felt like an orchestrated attack okay hold on i have to tell it from my perspective i have to say what happened there were like six of us at a table and i was across from hunter and like it started out like one fly got near him and he swatted we were outside on a patio one fly got near him he swatted at it and then two more got near him shut the fuck up who cares and then there's a few on him and he's like what the what is going on and then someone down the table says something so i turn my head and as i'm watching the person who's talking i kid you not like

7:24:16like 30 flies I don't know if there was a there must have been a fucking dead dog cause I sat there I was swatting him and I said what the fuck like that I was like I've never been so sure that I was having a heart attack I was like they smell death on me this is what death feels like is flies flying around you like this I was looking at the person who was talking and i saw them cut like above the building of the restaurant and in my head i'm like surely they're not gonna go towards hunter and then they all beeline and they like hunters out of my view but they all go that way and i hear hunter go oh my god oh my god i mean it was it felt completely it felt orchestrated from these creatures that don't have any fucking brain function i was like how did they fly talk to each other to plan this attack also what did i even do what the fuck did i even do and i was i was trying to be respectful to whoever was talking so i didn't look right away but when i turned a second later he had leaned over in his chair to pick something up but it looked like he was gone yeah the flies took me they all grabbed onto my shirt and i was like ah there's a guy like flown away like that uh that was great the the flies were paid actor that was incredible anyway we can go back to the story now i just need to share that

7:25:55that sounds good enough to eat what is the date today flipping the page gave a response that ate away at my curiosity again the next page was filled with what looked to be a series of shapes to lines being made up of the same characters at the start of the book in the language i did not understand buddy that's the wrong question that's the wrong question you ask a question and it's just like yeah if you fuck if you fucking ask a question and then the stupid ass pokemon that are like weird hieroglyphics whatever start floating around you know you're fucked dude yeah well I better ask him something straight up and he just responds back like

7:26:38that's such a funny way to describe like non-euclidean geometry like oh no the Pokemon again you know which Pokemon I'm talking about what the fuck were those called Oregon is that what you're talking about made up of shapes the digital one I thought you were just referring to like the demon was drawing and like un understood hieroglyphics and like geometry and you're like oh yeah the Pokemon no no no it's this look here I'm posting it in the uh I'll say to you on I don't know I don't know Pokemon enough to know but I remember when I was younger these guys were in there I'm saying these little motherfuckers oh are those Pokemon yeah the ones that are just shaped I mean we'll show a picture but I don't know what you call those I don't know what they're fucking called They do kind of look like that, don't they?

7:27:29Yeah. That's not a bad guess. Are they just called unknown? They might just be called unknown. Uh-oh, that's the wrong question. Bad decision, Mark. Oh. You ask, what's the date? And it starts. Because it's not going by, like, the Gregorian calendar or the Julian calendar or whatever. It's just, like, pulling you straight back from time. this happened for about 30 seconds and whatever was in that remaining 30 seconds i haven't been able to get a sliver of information about from a security guard working under me who was making rounds outside of that room i was told that after the last frame the employee stumbled out of the room with pale skin saying real suffering is not known

7:28:20seven times before speedily taking the guard's pistol and off

7:28:38real suffering is not known there's not known i like to think that he like put it put his hand over his mouth threw up the fucking vomit went everywhere and he's like yeah and grabbed the

7:28:50photorealistic vomit all over him no also see your child's face ripped apart like that my god yeah and like the woman and her get dragged down beneath the dogs and like they get ripped apart by everything and become a part of the flesh and you know the flesh is going to be reused to grow the dog scapes of all you've done is just help the dog scape man and the mounds are so brutal. They're so gross. It's I mean, that entry was rough, but that entry was rough, but it certainly got its point across. You know, how rough, how awful it was. Horrifying, horrifying world. So, are you okay? The rough thing, I feel like I've been hit by a car from the last couple seconds of you just talking.

7:29:49You're welcome. So I'll say immediately, looking at this next entry, I already don't like it. The direction it's going from the first couple of sentences is not a fan. Charles yelled, splashing water in my direction as he was ankle deep in it, a few feet away from where it dropped off into the deeper waters. I smiled, shaking my head as I adjusted my legs to make myself more comfortable. Nah, I'll be the one to drive you guys to the hospital when you get hypothermia.

7:30:23Nah. Nah, I'll be the one to drive you guys to the hospital when you get hypothermia. Nah. I'll be the one to drive you guys to the hospital when you get hypothermia. Nah, it's cool. I'll be the one to drive you guys to the hospital when you get hypothermia.

7:30:46I yelled back to which I could see his eyes roll from there hearing your friends say the same thing four times four times ah we can't have that Joseph called waiting back to where I was I command the birthday boy to get hypothermia with the rest of us Joseph said smirking as he approached me gosh this story Speaker 0 7. Nah, I'll be the one to drive you guys to the hospital. When you get hypothermia. Speaker 3 0 7. I felt a trickle of unease as he approached. Speaker 0 7.

7:31:31Nah, I'll be the one to drive you guys to the hospital. I mean, hey, Joseph, seriously, you got to back up, man. That trickle is going down my back. I'm trickling down. I'm trickling down the side of my leg right now. My legs are getting real trickled right now. I stood up to move away, but just then he swooped down and picked me up over his shoulder. Whoa. Give me a little flustered. Just like your dad. Just what are you talking about? Did you say my name again?

7:32:19put me down joseph joseph put me down put me down i remember joseph i'm the one that drives you to the hospital nah nah i'll drive you jesus stop saying that you remind me of your dad

7:32:47I guess he is a spitting image of me, huh?

7:32:54There's just way too many character stereotypes being mentioned back to back. It's begging us to do something to make fun of it. I smiled a tired but genuine smile. Drew, I wanted to thank you anyway. Oh, then you're welcome. Anyway. I laughed, but it came off more of a, nah, there really should be a word. Nah, I'll take you to the hospital.

7:33:29Yeah,

7:33:34baby on its comeback. Let's go. That's not Avery's eyes flashed to mine briefly As he started to rip off another piece of fabric What? My name is It's not Charles I'm taking the hospital to hypotheria What are you talking about? Now let me get you Before we move into a package marked return to sender I had this aunt I lived with whenever I first moved to California She lived in this retirement community in a town that I won't say. I mean, I just did not give specifics. But she did live in California. And she had a bird, like a parrot, in her house that would talk to her, right? And I always thought it was weird as she clipped the wings so it couldn't fly away.

7:34:23And I remember asking her, I was like, that's the most fucking torturous thing I've ever heard in my life, clipping a bird's wings. And it's just like, cool, I get to walk around. That's what birds are known for. You know what I mean? so then she's like oh it's not a big deal it happens that people do it all the time you know whatever and she basically made it insinuate that she's just like you know i i i'm letting i'm letting my animal do what it wants it wants to hang out inside so i'm doing that and i'm like okay so that's cool it wants to hang out inside so i'm gonna cripple it that's a that's a fun way to look at it so to deviate from that because this is where it gets a little spicy is we don't even talk about the bird at all one night i come home once again i mind you she's in a retirement community i come home she's watching american ninja warrior in the living room and her dog is licking her feet like obsessively like whatever and i was like uh what uh what are you doing she's like i'm just watching american ninja warrior and i mean that little motherfucker is going at those piggies like crazy her feet are glistening like it's just been like licking at it forever and i kind of sit down because i mean it's it's abhorrent it's like obscene it's like watching a car wreck and i was like you uh you just letting them kind of go at your feet she's like yeah i just let my animals do whatever they want and it was a weird parallel where it was the same thing with the parrot right i'm lazy i'm letting him do this is what he wants i'm so i clipped his wings so my ass was thinking i'm like did this crazy crazy old fucking woman and lather her feet up in some kind of like, I don't know, coconut oil, honey, or fucking peanut butter.

7:35:59And she's just like, you want to lick my feet. You like it. You know what I mean? So anyways, the whole thing was like every afternoon, she would sit there and she would watch American Ninja Warrior. And then that dog would come up and lick her feet for like hours. Like, I mean, like a long time.

7:36:24are you done yeah i guess that was just i thought that might be that that whenever i heard said parrot that may just remind me of that so sorry i don't mean it repeated over and over again and i couldn't turn it off like some technical difficulty it simply never ended i even remember the song it was unchained melody and i knew as i look like from fleetwood back Unchained Melody, I think, from Elvis and shit. Oh, my love, my darling, I hunger for your touch. Are you still mine? I need your love. I need your love. God speed your love to me. That one.

7:37:37Okay. Which also is a cover, I'm pretty sure. Unchained Melody, I'm pretty sure, is also a cover of... I don't know who did the original one. It was the Righteous Brothers. Righteous Brothers. okay well I didn't mean to set you off with that question I don't know what song I was thinking of is it the chain is that the Fleetwood Mac one about chains yeah yeah yeah don't sing it don't don't don't I didn't mean to do it no we're in part one we have to have some semblance of respect for the story Benny I don't the only reason you're here is because you're going to bark at people who come to the door.

7:38:22Woof. If you're left out, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to interact with you. I don't like you. Go somewhere else. Okay. Part three. After another dozen hours or so. Dozen hours? It's been a bad thing. He's been on this plane for like 50 hours. I just want to say that. Yes. Yeah. Several days at this point. At what point are you like, you know what? Take me. Just fucking take me. Yeah, exactly. I would rather die. What am I going to do? Live on a plane forever? Fuck this. Yeah, I'll live back here and hide in this bathroom. That'll be a good way to not die, because I guess you can't die if you're already dead.

7:38:56What do you do, Hunter? You're sitting back there, and you look, and there's flight attendants, and there's the devil in a black robe at the front of the plane. I'd probably say I goofed. I fucked up. You just keep in that. You're just like, oh, me? What, this guy? I flew to Japan. and that was like a 13 hour flight the thought of being on an airplane for 37 more hours like I would just open the latch and I would jump that's what I also what am I going to hide do you think you're hiding on a plane you're in the back bathroom you're not hiding from anything the whole idea of the guy would be like would they remember me yeah they probably fucking would they've seen you here for 50 hours they know where the bathroom is yeah exactly the woman screamed your name as they pulled her through to give her to the devil I wonder if they remember that I'm here yeah

7:40:06am I wrong? I don't know I mean yeah there's not really I don't know what else he can do in this situation though other than die or just stay there die die okay all right well you know fair enough my stepmother's car was usually kept inside the garage since it was a newer vehicle the house itself was fairly big it was two stories with all white siding that made up its exterior it had burgundy shutters to accompany each window and a decent sized porch with a bench on it after parking my car and walking up to the door i could already see the screen door closed to allow the cool air to run through Speaker 3 0.

7:40:44The aroma of bacon and what the fuck is so funny. The fuck are you? What the fuck are you giggling about? God, after my car parked. Yes. Yes. Speaker 3 0. Sorry. I'm laughing. He smoked bacon. Speaker 0. It's been so detailed every layer of it. And when it started mentioning Mr. Harris in a jumpsuit, I'm like, oh, is that guy like, I wonder if that guy's going to show up later as a killer or something. So then as I'm reading like the description of the house and bacon, I just started thinking how funny it would be if Mr. Harris just sprinted down the street, just beat him to death in the middle of a completely normal day.

7:41:34Even you saying that makes you think of that fucking scene in Get Out where the guy's like running straight at him in the woods or whatever. Yes, that's exactly what yeah, where he's just sprinting Speaker 2st of 1915, 1019 Is this Will Aportun dominated? Speaker 0 2 ,� and Flux? Speaker 0 7 He killed his that out the more idyllic the scene gets the funnier the bit got in my head the aroma of bacon and eggs filtered outward along with the sounds of talking and moving around despite despite still i'm sorry i need to get this giggle fit out of my system despite still having a key to the place i ring the doorbell instantly instantly i heard just take a take take a fucking minute to laugh Speaker 3 4 0 7 0 6 0 7 0 6 0 7 D So now it's like, maybe he is about to come sprinting down the street.

7:42:59Look, I would be honest, man, but the AC in my office isn't working. It's like 85 degrees in here. I'm hot. I'm dehydrated. I'm losing my mind. I would then Get a wet fucking towel, a cold wet towel, and a glass of water and calm the fuck down. Because you sound fucking insane. You're freaking me out. If anything, the real creepypasta today is being on a Discord call with somebody that has a little giggle fit. And even you saying giggle fit, I was like, what in the hell? I gotta get this giggle fit out of here. Okay, do I sound like Hank Killed now? You guys like Bill Dothrieve to me. Hank? Bill.

7:43:40Bill Dautry. Bill Dautry. Bill Dautry. Oh, but his buddy. His buddy. King of the Hill. That's right. Sorry, Hank. I got the giggle. I got the giggle fits. Also, it would have been funny if you said giggle shits. You ever laugh really hard while you're shitting and then you fart and it goes in rhythm with your laugh? Well, thank you for saying that. Immediately got rid of anything I found funny. Well, I had diarrhea one time and that happened and it was like literally like a water fight with my asshole here we go okay all right is that it is that mercifully short yes sorry i grabbed my duffel bag and followed kimber out quietly closing the door behind me come on now samuel don't make us come into this crack dead after you come out real nice and obedient so we can bring you to your daddy he's really looking forward to seeing you wants to spend some quality father and son time i like how even the deputies are comically evil.

7:44:32Hey, he wants, hey, and he wants to spend some real quality time with his son.

7:44:40I mean, to be fair, they are helping run a child sex trafficking ring, so I guess there's no level of way. I mean, I imagine them all with extremely long pencil-thin mustaches, like that curl. Don't make us come in that crack den, Samuel.

7:44:59Yeah, that's excellent You're going to fall right into our trap And don't worry about the comically large mouse trap outside your door There's a big box and stick I bet you're hungry for being in that crackton so long Why don't you grab that nice big piece of cheese We're going to put him in We're going to make him get the cheese And then he'll be in Schrodinger's box with the cat and cheese. Well, everything is going according to plan. Isn't that right, sir? Everyone's doing it too? Yes. Yeah, it's excellent. Also, this guy, like we said, he rules. He's into goth chicks with huge milky tits and fishnets and he's looking up fucking spells online and then he meets a girl named Angelica, literally an angel.

7:45:50Alright. This guy's cool. Let's get into it. I like this guy. I become, I'd say, did I write this? exactly. Am I Jared Roberts? He does. I don't. Okay. I'm not just coping because I said that he was attractive earlier, but he has like my complexion and long black hair. So maybe this is like a bizarro. Me and him could get along. I think me and Jared could be friends. I love how I love, I love that you slipped in. He looks like you, you're like, he's the most attractive man I've ever seen. And then you slip. I did not. Okay. For one, that's not at all and then you're like you know what he looks man and i'm like we have similar style he looks just like me we have similar style all right is what i'm saying okay i'm just saying that i like this guy all right all right and he might i add has yet to send me a picture of him naked after telling me him and his wife were in a car crash well i like to keep you on your toes a little bit okay her friend said she didn't think it was cool to be hacking angelica's account or if this was her brother to knock it off jellica swore was her and her friend replied um i know you're not angelica because angelica's sitting right here with me oh god dude god you know i know i know when one of these stories is good i know when it's getting me because i suddenly become aware of the door to my office just off to my right like i just start thinking about yeah you're gonna find like a clone of yourself just standing in the doorway or something like that yeah its eyes are a little too tall just like yeah yeah just yeah yeah just something a little off yeah your eyes are just a little too far apart you're just like what yeah just a little uncanny it would be well now i'd actually be safe because i know it's jared roberts my close friend yeah my lifelong 22 decade old buddy old pal I just call him randomly and start telling him about like his mom's birthday like he's like who the fuck are you who are you Jared you're German Jared it's me Jared whoa we were so wrong to have been afraid of them this place is amazing the ship is only the beginning there's a whole of the world beyond it one so much better than what we left I know it hurt you to see me die but I'm okay now I promise please open the door and come have a drink with me it's funny to imagine like this old soggy captain like pressed up against the door like Nathan Nathan I'm sorry Nathan you gotta take me back could you also send a picture of you with your pants down what the fuck are you talking about you know that okay where my bit was going in my head is there's that you know that thing that's like can you send a picture of you like from the front from the back one you know i'm talking about where it's like all right like the way he described paulina getting attacked by her kids like you said it's kind of described almost like a boondock saint hit but he describes like the sexual undertones of her, like her sultry voice, her shirts now see through.

7:49:12But the like objective thing we see is that she's got a husband and two sons, right? So is that like something about his neighbor, like wanting him or does he want her in a physical way? Uh, and she's not perceiving that or it's just like our author's intent of it. Like, Oh dude, it sets up some interesting stuff about the psychology there. The narrator is definitely wanting deep fucking for sure. He's fantasizing about it for sure. All right. All right. All right. All right. That was a probably inappropriate way of saying that by you, that is such that is you had to say deep, you had to like, like adjectives to it.

7:49:47You had to make it more explicit. My gosh. Good Lord, man. Okay. So anyway,

7:50:07just, just dropping a brick on the gas pedal. We were at, we were at the red light. You just threw it to this. What the fuck are we doing? He's just like, I was just half stepping in it. You're like, no, I was, I was up in there. I was just, I was rearranging them gutty works as much as I could. Okay. There you go. There you go again with the description. It was like a fork with some spaghetti, dude. I was wrapping it all around and

7:50:36Don't say that. What the, what are you talking about? Like a fork with some spaghetti. I'm mercy okay anyway i'm gonna

7:50:54okay um he asked for it he threw a hard punch and i stood it stung harder than before when i actually argued with him i felt so cool all week my wait is all that happened he got he got punched in the face he got punched in the face by a guy he took it he's just like yeah barely hood and walked off. Yeah, he didn't even get, he didn't even fight back. Yeah, so now he's like, I felt cool all week. My confidence kept me up. I punched him hard in the stomach and I lifted him up with an underhook. It felt so good. It really did. Parents calling April 14th. Jack still isn't out of the hospital. He punched the guy so hard.

7:51:39He's like, all of his organs are failing. it was like well he said he lifted him off the ground so it was like you're like dragon ball like yeah yeah yeah like like you can see the fists go through his back yeah oh my god kakarot you hit him way too hard i didn't mean to vegeta i just come on that's my goku voice no not vegeta i didn't mean to hit him that hard kakarot your voice sounds identical to what it's normal never mind that's your voice is actually Kakarot, there's nothing weird with it with all, there's nothing weird about it at all I feel like you actually sound a little better today Yeah, thanks, I'm so hungry I'm gonna eat a big bowl of food I gotta train Alright That sounds good, Kakarot Okay, thank you for telling me that Yeah, I'm just saying I gotta go to King Kai's place I hope that monkey doesn't chase me around because I'm hungry I gotta eat a big ol' I'm gonna eat 40 bowls of ramen Cause I'm I have an I have an inquenchable appetite Cool That's all that That sounds pretty pog Actually So why don't you go ahead And just do that I'm gonna go sleep with Bulma now I'm going to have sex with Bulma Ah Okay Gross Why don't you just train instead I mean that sounds fine but I just You know I don't know I just I feel like I need some distance from you Kagero Okay Okay I don't know where I'm going I was just letting you have fun with that one

7:53:35Jack still isn't out of the hospital She was looking at me as I spoke And I could almost see the part of her I was talking about Behind her eyes Like the soul or whatever It was like the bells enveloped it And gave it everything it ever wanted Everything it was missing For me It was you Now that is That is a classic 16 year old guy move To have this whole grand experience and then tie it back to her at the end. Like, well, you're all I want. Like, you're... And I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life. The most, like, Nicholas Sparks setup ever. Exactly. Eat, pray, love. What I missed was you.

7:54:27What my soul misses is you. Everything my soul was missing was every bit of you. i want to kiss now kiss me so didn't other than alina because he's horny um didn't our author get everything he wanted because his whole idea was i want to go to the bells to get some proof of the supernatural so that i can like believe in the afterlife believe in god again let me tell you something isaiah i'm gonna tell you something maybe you maybe you haven't grown up enough to realize this yeah but um the goal post always changes let me tell you something the goal post always changes when pussy's involved all right it does it does you're right all right so you're sitting there i bet you anything if a leader's just like yeah i love the devil fuck god i i i i'm a betting man i bet uh our dear old protagonist would just be like yeah i fucking hate god too i I think he's kind of gay here.

7:55:28Can I touch your boob? It would go in that direction. I think that, that what you just said is like the stereotypical Sunday school lesson I had throughout my preteen years of like guys, one day you're going to run into a woman and she's going to hate God. She's going to want you to hate God and whatever, whatever she's extremely based Sunday school teacher. and what and what's really funny is that thinking about all this in hindsight you were the exact kind of person that veggie tails warned me about yeah the tomato's just like watch out for this guy it's your picture it's like veggie tells that you're on a wanted poster the cucumber's just like i don't know what i i don't think i like this guy very much right guys and then points over to the one imposter and it's just my face like...

7:56:23He's gonna be into heavy metal music. He's gonna talk about drugs and sex. Wait, no, that doesn't make any sense. In the Bible, Jesus got some pussy in the Bible, didn't he? No. Did he not? Jesus had to have gotten fucking laid some pipe, dude. This is insane. This is insane. Didn't he? No. No, he did not. It's not in there anywhere. All right, so it wasn't on the books, but he definitely, he fucking laid some pot. No, he was celibate. That's a big deal within, like, Christian belief and stuff like that. All right. He was celibate as well. If he was the last of the prophets in the prophets, he was a carpenter, and all the ladies called him the hammer.

7:57:03Okay, okay. We got it. This is insane. You are one. If they haven't made an episode about you yet, they're about to. God's building a church. He's going to march like a mighty army. All right. I can't. I can't entertain this.

7:57:21You and Alina here are cut from the same cloth of the kind of people that my mom warned me about growing up. Very scary. The text he received from his friend, Daniel. Dude, please tell me you're still alive. Yes, I'm alive. Where the hell have you been? Why did it take you this long to reach out to me after I called you like 40 times? I'm sorry, but my phone was died. And I was just now able to start charging it. You're still at your house, right? Yes. Okay, good. I'm still a two days drive away, but I'm going for you.

7:58:02I just like that like all right I'm still two days drive away but I'm on my way where the fuck do you live. Why am I the first person you're coming to? Why don't you fucking go somewhere closer? That was all right. It's going to take me 14 days to get to you, but I'm on my way right now. That would actually be like, if something happened and I texted you and I was like, I'm on my way. You're like, why are you coming here? What tactical advantage does that have? I saw your tweets. I want to be a part of it. Don't you have like a wife? Also, if the radio, hold on a second too if the well to be fair it's only like the television signals are down how would he says everything keeps going in and out yeah but you would assume after days right also the last thing that we ever saw there's no news reports anymore it's just no signal right so it's like yeah there's rolling outages but it kind of just makes it seem like that that the tv stations and stuff aren't able to broadcast anything yeah yeah which would almost made me think would you even be able to use your phone so you're you're asking the right questions just keep that in mind thanks you're not you're not just just keep keep that tone right thank you for talking to me like a toddler you're big also just want to say this too also while we're in the heat of the moment i'm going to say this because you got me riled up now so i the very first thing isaiah says to me this morning i was in my undies and i walk over and he says this he says yeah i heard you taking a shower earlier i popped my camera in and took a video and i says that's funny i just woke up i haven't taken a shower i said allison took a shower this morning so i'm like what uh what'd you do to my wife dude

7:59:55are you done are you done with your bit no i was talking to allison outside of the shower and I heard the shower running. There was a ghost in the shower. It's the glass shower case. I was talking to her outside of the shower.

8:00:13Wipe the steam off the glass. I can't see everything. I was not taking videos of your wife in the shower. For the record. I'm checking his phone later. I'll make my own Twitter ARG about it. My best friend's nudes and my wife have vanished.

8:00:34my wife vanished my friend came over and I can't find my wife what happened? life's been great just a twitter account called my wife vanished, help that's the whole account why is he here? Toby said quietly as he looked back at his mother who reached to open the car door he's your father Toby he's here because he wants to see you His mother responded in a monotone voice Trying to sound less shaky Yet couldn't drive up to the hospital To see Lyra before she died Toby narrowed his eyes out of the window He was drunk that night, honey He couldn't drive

8:01:21Dude, wife of the year Wife of the year That's awesome God damn it, Toby, we've said this before He was drunk He couldn't drive or else he would have been there Yeah When is he not It's awesome Your father works hard at the beer drinking factory Yeah exactly He puts food on this table Listen he went out and had a fiver with his friends He couldn't drive It's hard to be the drink tester at Miller Lite But he does it for this family He does it for us For us Tiki Toby I mean Toby Not you too Bob Pancakes Pancakes Mr. Hancock's been talking to you hasn't he He's been calling you Well Mr. Hancock's been selling me Adderall For three weeks And I'm laser focused right now I'm locked in Whatever you say Don't say that to your father he's been drinking She's going to experience Violent episodes and homicidal tendencies for the first 90 seconds.

8:02:29We have this mapped out. Homicidal tendencies. One of the scientists said to the group, You are now full of liquid hate, Miss Richardson. I look like fucking powder! That's because your natural skin color went away, Jane.

8:02:50You stupid idiot. Hey, don't be a dumb bitch. That's what liquid hate does. Jane. Oh. Jane picked up. Jane. Jane. Jane. Look at me Jane. That's what happens with liquid hate. 6.9 million dollars Jane. Blonde black. Powdery white skin. give her 60 seconds plus 30 equals 90.

8:03:33I poured my heart out to a thing wearing Jessica's skin while it was in my arms as it implanted memories of conversations never shared into my mind. I confess my truest feelings to an air sats entity masquerading as a person. I felt sick. Yeah. Do you think that's terrifying? Do you think the monster was kind of like Smooth talking a bit Oh for sure 100 % It's trying to buy time so it's going to say whatever It wants to hear Is that a banana In your pocket or are you just happy to see me I think turtles Are cool actually Oh yes I think I might just be Happy to see you Oh that's awesome That's so sick that you got a big old You have a big old dong And he's like Speaker 0.

8:04:21A turtling senses are tingling. Speaker 4 Speaker 0. I don't think it's weird that you're a turtle at all. As a matter of fact, I think it's cool. I think it's cool. What you paint your bone are green. Speaker 0. Have I, have I told the turtle story on this podcast before? Speaker 0. I don't know. You're following this up after I just said you paint your bone or green Well, that's kind of relevant. That's kind of relevant. Oh my God. How the fuck isn't that relevant? Okay. So my, so my wife's a vet, right? Wow. So she, a vet that she worked with in a clinic for a while was working at a clinic in downtown New Orleans.

8:05:03Right. And she was sitting at the front desk, you know, just whatever slow day. and as she's sitting there there is a giant window on the front of the storefront and at the right side is the door to come in and then from around the left side of the building she sees she sees a homeless man who is carrying a visibly dead turtle like like it's like rotted like the bones and stuff like that. And he's very slow, but he's holding it with both hands and he's walking like along the window. So that means there's a really long time before he gets to the door. So the whole time the woman's sitting there, like, please don't come in, please don't come in.

8:05:55And then sure enough, when he gets to the right side, he opens the door and comes in and she's like, hi, can we help you? And he goes, he's like, I found this turtle. And And then she's like, okay. And he's like, it's sick. And she looks at it and it's like, there's a little bit of bone in there, but it's just like a turtle shell. Yeah. And she was like, I don't think we can, I don't think we can do anything for it. And the, the whole time, by the way, she assumes he's wearing shorts because he's wearing like, um, he has like a long trench coat down to his knees. Speaker 0 7, please don't tell me that this, this man is fucking the turtle.

8:06:31And then she's like, I don't, I don't think we can do anything for that. And then he goes, okay. And he turns around and he drops it. So he bends down to pick it up. And when he bends down, he is completely naked from the waist down. So when he bends over, it's everything on display and he picks up the turtle and he walks out. So me being terrible, sorry, sorry. If you saw my, sorry, if you saw my dick and balls. I just, they're in the wash. Speaker 0. Well, okay. Me, me being terrible, right? Uh, cause this is clearly a mentally ill man who, you know, doesn't, it was trying probably in his mind, trying to help a turtle.

8:07:14But I took this story when it was first told to me as he was just trying to find a way to expose himself to like the women in the vet clinic. So I, I just started coming up with bits in my head. We're like, okay, well the next time I tell the story, it's about it like he's painted green. Oh, I see. Just add to it. Right. The next time I tell it, he's not walking to the door. He's crawling on all fours. Yeah. The turtles on his back. Yeah. The turtles on his back. It eventually got to the point where I told this story to someone and he was completely naked with the cardboard box around him painted like a turtle.

8:08:00And he just walks in and he's like, I'm very sick. Like rolls over on his back, just completely naked. Yeah. God. Yeah. That's it. That's, that's the whole thing. Yeah. Well, I didn't know that me saying that would trigger such a visceral and also weird it's weird that you manipulate the story in such a way i hope the i hope the people that you've told all these different versions of the story too are like are like wait what that was a lie or like you know what i mean like they're like wait what do you mean he said he said it so sincerely hopefully you said it so sincerely that it doesn't read like a joke either yeah i don't know i said i'm really afraid i think everyone i told it to was a close friend who like I told the actual truth later but maybe I didn't maybe someone out there has the wrong version of the turtle story it's just all it's just all intimate intimate members of your family you told one to your dad your mom and all kinds of stuff peeking into the unknown and revealing secrets that I feel like humans weren't meant to have is uh just kind of an interesting concept you know it's put it pushes forward into that idea of like reaching a singularity right We reach a point with technology where it's like you've gone too far.

8:09:14You can't come back from this one. And all the consequences that would carry with it.

8:09:23Brother, I'm on cloud nine. I'm going to punch something. I'm going to put a hole in the wall in the computer or something. You got a pants full of cum and a big smile on your face. I've got the smile. I'm going to ignore the other thing you said, but I certainly got a smile. Some of the reactions, I mean, you have to realize, ladies and gentlemen, I don't see what I can't see him. So I just hear a man bricking on the other end of this call. And I hear him going with him. So I'm just picturing he's leaning back. I mean, he's just caking his pants. And for all I know is he's done three pants changes.

8:09:57I haven't seen it while he's reading. It would be funny if every time I stood up, I had a different pair of shorts on. Yeah. Different khakis or shorts. Just keep coming on. I'll just switch it through. Yeah. Could be a void. could also because they talk about time. There's been several instances where time gets weird. Like the girl who thinks she's gone an hour, she's gone two days. The little kids who are that one boy that says was gone a month. And when they find him, he's like the same condition, same clothes, not dirty or anything. So maybe you just skip or maybe for this Confederate guy, maybe he did go to some weird pocket dimension for a while and then wind up in Maine and like the nineties, you know, that's so cool.

8:10:36the visual being in a burnt forest and it's foggy. And then through the fog comes running a man with a red face. He's bleeding everywhere in a Confederate uniform. That's so terrifying. Yeah. You'd be even more terrifying too. I don't know why. If it's a guy in a reenactment, they're like, Oh my God, you're from hundreds of years ago. He's like, no, no, I swear to God, I'm not. It's like, it's a weird thing. My name's Jason. I work at big lots. Yeah. I work at Enron. How's the company doing? Do I still have my job? they're like oh well as long as I can go to my office at the World Trade Center I'll be okay yeah exactly 56 floor beautiful views

8:11:22buddy you dodged a bullet it's like his nose and foreheads go off he's like what do you mean you're in better shape trust me well that should be fine as long as my secondary office at building seven next to the world trade centers. Okay. I don't think anything bad would happen to it. Since if anything were to happen to the towers, it has its own structural support system and there would never be a reason it would fall. Meaning thankfully all of the CIA and FBI's budget documents can be kept in one place safe from attack. If I have my, and I gotta say, luckily I still have an end at the Pentagon, so it'll be okay.

8:12:03as long as they don't hit the east wing of the pentagon which of course as mentioned holds records of all the stairs in the woods we're just trying to kill specifically this guy that's like that it's like that that's the yeah we don't need the stairs the stairs in the woods were built by like george bush to like cover up yeah it's not 11 yeah exactly all kinds of stairs george that's That's why Dick Cheney shot that guy in the woods. Yeah, exactly. Hey, do you see that staircase?

8:12:39Do you see that staircase? That was an accident. Let's go back. I thought the deer was looking at my stairs. Turns out it was a man in a camo jacket. Oops. Oops. That was an accident. oopsie daisy dick I just don't know about these stairs dick

8:13:11but if it gets us to the island quicker it's all connected the stairs were to kill the confederate soldier was the guy Dick Cheney shot in the where am i just a random guy in the woods sorry you startled me you saw me yeah

8:13:46yeah so yeah good story good good good bit a pair of blue eyes were suddenly revealed They firmly clenched themselves closed and reopened as if bursting out of black depths and into the light. Falio dropped to his knees and his mouth stretched wide to let out a strangled scream. The scream of a mute under torture. Very soon, his features relaxed while his ragged chest began pumping up and down with an even rhythm. He rose to his feet. How would you think his scream sounded? Is he actually mute or is that just saying like he's punched and he can't make noise? stretched wide out like yeah the scream of a mute under torture so it seems like he kind of got his uh wind knocked out of him but he's screaming in pain yeah how would you how would that go for you really like that what is it like when you get hit in the stomach what is it i think it cut out

8:14:42oh yeah that's that's probably right One more time Again Yeah you're gonna fucking do it again I like to think he's like I like to think he does He's like I think we're supposed to like Falio Fuck I like him he's my boy I know people like you Hunter wouldn't understand The mind of an intellectual Well I understand the mind

8:15:17You wouldn't understand The minimum required effort It takes Life seems so much more fun now It should You put in the minimum required Are you glad I brought up this story while we're reading it? My boy Faloli My boy Faloli is not Going to get David King pilled dude You said it It's over you summoned him there's a lot of people in the comments who like it who say they enjoy it and it means something to them and i'm really happy to hear that but i assure you those have to be children if the because the story it's just it's not even surface level it's just telling us oh well there's romance you didn't see it this story has done one thing successful and it has made me have a really gay thought and it made me smile did you want you want to know what it was what was your gay thought My gay thought was It was Avery Looking It was whenever Theodore was looking at Avery And he was like I started to notice all the You know that he would tap things When he was thinking whatever And I started picturing that scene and it made me smile Like how cute this is And then the gayest thought of all came up Where that train song came on where it's like I guess she's back in the atmosphere Jobs Put her in her hair Yeah yeah yeah Wait wait wait You imagine that scene set to drop some Jupiter by train.

8:16:46Now tell me, did you fall across the sun? Did you drive through the Milky Way? Seeing the lives I've made it, that heaven is overrated. But actually it's only, it's not even the chorus. It's just the beginning. Glad she's back in the atmosphere and drives a Jupiter in her head. and that is single-handedly the gayest thing I've ever thought. You thought about this scene where like he's noticing the little ticks Avery has and your mind said it to train.

8:17:30Yeah, yeah, dude. And I was, I was smiling. I was smiling. I was playing with my toes. My feet were over each other and then my toes were playing. I was having a good time. I was a little giddy. So I will say it's successful in that. Well, it's breaking new boundaries. You know that song's not even about a love interest? He wrote that about his mother. That's a love interest. Loves his mom. Mm-hmm. He wrote it after his mom died and he had a dream about her. Which is why it's like, did you miss me while you were looking for yourself or whatever? Everyone assumes it's a thing. I would assume it's about two gay 18-year-olds.

8:18:09Sure, buddy. You know what? Just for you, it sure is. I will never hear that song for the rest of my life without thinking about this story. Just Theodore like smiling. Smiling with an imagination gun pointed to his head. Now tell me! To his own head? to Avery's head. I think they're both. I don't fucking know. He's like, if you see a monster, think real hard and it'll see, it'll Thanos snap. Is it the day we got married? Or is it the day we realized life was a hollow shell? Oh my god. Or the day... Oh my god! I'd still like to debate when exactly our anniversary should be. Is it the day we got married?

8:18:52Or the day when we realized life was just a hollow shell unless you knew my heart was beating somewhere nearby?

8:19:03Can we talk about that? Can we think? I want to actually get set of the score. It is. It's trying to do the cutesy like, and they all lived half. And it is cute. When is our anniversary? When we got married or blah, blah, blah. But it's had no buildup. It's just like, well, they're in love because they're in love. It's cute because it's cute. It's cute because I said it's cute. I'm writing things that are considered cute. It's cute. You know what, Hunter? No, it's not. No, it is cute. I can't do this anymore. This is not cute. It is a lie. It is a farce that spits in the face of things that are cute.

8:19:35It means nothing. Why don't you sing train? Why don't you sing train? You were good at that. Why don't you bring back there? She's back in the atmosphere. You know, keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The caves closed down for the foreseeable future. Already, tourism had waned in the last few years, and it was getting difficult to keep the motel open. I was running out of options, so I opened the second envelope, which let me just say if anyone leaves me letters when they die and they're like open this one when this happens I'm reading all of them same setting that day to be thrown away in the trash never burned yeah fire fodder for the cold winter night actually it couldn't have been a hotter night I still make a fire I'm gonna be like Michael Caine in the dark night like oh this letter was left by like your your lover you know before they die burn i'm burning it in the kitchen right now i saw a baby with a jewel the size of a tangerine what the fuck are you talking about the fuck are you talking about alfred some men just watch the world burn have you seen shut the up and do my laundry alfred have you seen

8:20:59the picture of him about bane yeah okay bane is the scariest guy i've ever seen in my life i think about that like once a month and just start giggling it's such a funny the idea of him just crying to batman like this guy is so scary

8:21:27bane is the scariest guy i've ever seen in my life truly the most frightening man we'd ever seen before me master wayne master wayne no the message ended god damn it now let's give me a questioning look Lydia spent the night in our dorm. I was cringed. She's safe, though, right? As long as she doesn't go into...

8:21:56She cringed! She's safe, though, right? Did she become like Kermit the Frog all at once? Yeah, that's more of the easiest gring. She's safe, though, right? She's safe, though, right? As long as she doesn't go into 733, she won't. I thought of the always open large windows on the corner room. If nothing else, the mere thought of those would keep Lydia the hell out of that room. Good. Well, since we have nothing else to do, do you want to go look for theology books in the library? It's pretty much the only thing open right now. Sure. Would it be in a theology book? Also, Alice has done all this research, but she hasn't gone to the library.

8:22:31Also, I'm like, you want to go look at theology books? No. Yeah, it's like we're reading about Odin and Jesus. It's like, I don't think that's going to help. You want to go look at theology books? It's the only thing open right now. no no I don't thanks for asking

8:22:52thanks for thanks for asking

8:22:59that's a believer even though to be fair CK Walker did give us the pass did she is that how that works kind of it's canon technically okay

8:23:15well his parents are siblings yeah of course but also i'd be like oh fucking alice the fucking terrible idea machine whatever don't believe that one leave that one you believe that too no you believe the whole thing one long continuous beep life looked bleak for us college didn't sound appealing work was annoying and the little free time we had was blown on video games and youtube we both still lived with our parents too which made dating somewhat embarrassing looking back i'm sure we were suffering from mild depression on top of everything else i like that line you know what actually thinking about back i was actually pretty depressed if i remember if i could look back i actually i think i was in super depression actually not even mild i was in super depression in hindsight the whole daring him to ruined my life thing yeah maybe a little overkill yeah that was me probably being depressed that was dare i say a bad idea a little bit yeah i wish i would have just taken medication but instead he ruined my life so that was fine but instead i'm in a church about to die what is um what's a what's a depression medication what am i thinking of almost an aflac so that's the duck that's the insurance right why do i think aflac is there is there a medication that's almost like aflac uh ambient ambient ambient i don't think that's exactly like aflac well it starts with an a i don't know why my mind was me like aflac and i was like of course like the the thing that cures my depression is the talking duck is the duck yeah is the duck yeah i like that no that's cool I think that's what you should call it now.

8:25:01Aflac, a depression medication. Then wholly more depraved, someone who will not hesitate to follow smile.dog's orders. Stop while you are still whole. Sincerely, Mary E. Terrence contacted me later that month with the news that his wife had killed herself. Oh no.

8:25:38that's like a comedic timing beat after all of that and then pretty much she totally blew her brains out

8:25:49she's been doing this for 15 years and now that's the brain well I sent the email goodbye I did. I spread the word. Yeah.

8:26:04Thanks honor. I'm glad that's funny. It got me good. Okay. Pinky had asked dash to meet her at sugar cube corner at three. She didn't say why I got a bomb. You know, you know, it's also, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna blow up where the story's going, where the story's going. That's not far off. Like it turned into a hostile saying, like, I'm going to go and I'm going to blow up pony bank. You can't do it. Sugar blossom. You know, it's also crazy about this. There was, so I was at a wedding this last weekend and a guy came up to me and he was like, he was one of the guys who was working the venue and he's like, oh, when to go in a huge fan of your stuff, blah, He's like, I absolutely love Creepcast.

8:26:53And I just signed up for the Patreon. Shout out that guy. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. That means the world. So that guy, after shaking my hand, after touching me and making eye contact, the next thing he will see is this. I have to explain what this is to my dad now. Rainbow Dash, listen. I got a bomb and a gun. I'm planning on rubbing the bank on Sugar Cube Corner. You gotta be there in three Of course it's gonna be innocent lives lost Do the ponies have like Like defense capabilities? Like do they have a police force? Oh you'd have to imagine Like the horses and my little pony Well they probably have like wizards or something Aren't they all magical and shit?

8:27:34Well I mean like there's a pegasus So I imagine they fly Yeah here's a cop Does ACAB apply to these? Oh absolutely ACAB applies to everything sir Law enforcement Oh there's a wiki page I forget how Law enforcement I mean, characters who work or have worked in law enforcement includes, I'm not going to read all these names. Cause people be like, you've even mispronounced it wrong. You forgot about this one, but there's multiple. There's multiple phony to have served in some kind of police. Come on, man. This, this is, this is good. This is good law enforcement. This is Canon. This is canon lore.

8:28:14It's helping us build this universe for the spooky story. what what what what is the lore of this stuff i'm looking at the fan boards the royal guard's job is to guard royal royalty and the capital city they have a capital city absolutely okay all right evie had a lot of problems actually from what kurt described evie was insane she claimed to be the victim of an adoption gone wrong a kid who slipped through the cracks and been sold to a new parent parent was a rich woman who supposedly ran a network of private schools for disadvantaged youth if he told kurt the schools were just front for a breeding program and i'll put whoa

8:28:57just dropping that on a no sleep from the top floor welcome welcome to no sleep boys Speaker 3 0 0 0 0 W et Shirt. What? Speaker 3 0 0 0 0 0 of Xbox yeah. jobs MET shady my company.

8:29:17Speaker 3 7 Observations Speaker 3 0 0 0 of controversy Lee cardiologist's Speaker 0 0 0 0 0 D développer Speaker 3 0 0 ofников. Which goes that you know that joke goes full circle because it goes back to your Randy Savage. Oh yeah. Yeah, that dude just comes in. Comes in with a chair and just beats it over the back of his head.

8:29:51That's the wrong answer, brother.

8:29:57Oh man. The voice of my mother brought me back to the present moment. Yes. Sat there numbly. listen you'll be home by the end of the day okay we need you home sharon sharon is inconsolable and michael well he's michael in 1969 they're gonna have him home by the end of the day i just want to say so i didn't i didn't want to stop the flow but it was very funny to me that there's words like my dad came out in a lab coat and i made it seem like he's like which was strange because he was a guy who landscaped yards or whatever. It's like the way that they presented the lab coat thing was funny. Yeah, I don't know.

8:30:36I get unless it's like unless the base is nearby. I don't know. Right. Or is he in? No, he's in. He's in Vietnam. Oh, yeah. He said the Vietnam mornings. Yeah. But combat boots. He's talking to a platoon sergeant because the lieutenant got killed. So, yeah, he's in. He's in combat. What if his mom was in Vietnam? Well, I guess. Was it C-130s back then? What was the transport plane? I don't know if the C-130's been around that long. Unabomber. Bomber. Well, I don't think. Yeah, the Unabomber. Is that the name of that big black one that's like, it looks sick? What's the name of that one? That's the Unabomber, right?

8:31:22The Unabomber is Ted Kaczynski. All right. What's the nickname? What was the big black one? Okay, well, it was the C-130. It says that the two transport aircrafts were the C-130 and the C-141. Okay. So, yeah, okay, yeah, you could get there in one day then. I think, like, the flight over the ocean is like 11 hours or something like that. I just literally Googled, could you fly to Vietnam to America in one day in 1968 and said, no, you could not fly from Vietnam to the United States in one day in 1968. Just want to say that. That's what, yeah, that's what Google says. It says airtime would be 26 hours.

8:31:59I like how this guy made a story for our subreddit. I was like really pumped about it. Like, I don't think this timeline's right. I think this is wrong. Incorrect. Yeah. Now, if he was flying on the Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. Through the air. What is that? It's a Unabomber. What is that? What is that actual airplane called? which plane are you talking about it's the fucking big black one that's like kind of flat and wide oh the b2 is that i was called b2 bomber that's what i was talking about that's what that's what yeah that's what he flew home i think sick the stealth bomber yeah the stealth bomber sneakily gonna break uh the laws of time and get home from vietnam to american one day i don't care about jack i smiled at his pain i keep staring i keep staring at my mirror i'm always wearing my favorite hoodie.

8:32:55It feels so empowering. My friends would laugh at what I say. They would compare me to Spider-Man in his black suit. Yeah, I'm pretty much Venom. I'm Spider-Man. It's the symbiote. It's taken over me. Yeah, from Spider-Man issue 274. I have I have a bit of a darker side. I'm almost like fucking Capote or Droopy at this point. You are getting... I pretty much just talk like this. Well, it's somewhere between Droopy and Stewie Griffin. Yeah. My black suit, I feel so much more powerful. What makes it Droopy is you add the big cheekness to it. Yeah, that's what it means. I have to do this and I have my black suit.

8:33:52There's Droopy. And I have quite a bit of things I have to do. It's my black suit on. It's funnier to imagine this emo kid as like a Looney Tunes character walking around a high school. I'm a severely overweight teenager and I have my black suit on now and everyone thinks I'm so evil. This is going to be the rest of the hooded man's voice, by the way. It feels so much better. Okay, all right. They would compare me to Spider-Man in his black suit. Spider-Man threw his power away. I don't plan on doing anything with my source of confidence. April 22nd. Jack has gone to a better place. The words rang through my ears.

8:34:42He's dead. Lost too much blood. He said lost too much blood. He punched him so hard that they're like, his body will not retain blood in the hospital. When did he go to the hospital? What? He's been in the hospital for 12, two weeks. Yeah, yeah. And they couldn't do it. He was bleeding too much. He's leading. He is like bleeding for two weeks. This fat kid punched him so hard in the stomach. What do you expect from such a powerful individual with such a stylish jacket? The only thing I can do is wear my jacket and not punch people. Oh. We'll all be given the opportunity to speak with him. Please remain in your seats until he calls you.

8:35:34Immediate assistance, don't worry. A flight attendant will happily help you on your way. That's creepy. I like that. The captain's arrived. The idea of someone arriving mid-flight. It's pretty good. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Did you hear that, Mary? No, sorry. I was messing with this tech deck. What did he say? Nothing. Don't worry about it. They look down the road. It's just Captain America. Like Chris Evans.

8:36:04Whoa. Mary, get off that mongoose bike with those sick pegs, and we should talk about this. Yeah. He's like really stoked about it. He's like, I love Avengers. That's awesome. She's like the only captain I know is Sean White. She's like a big BMX person or something. You're like, what? She's like, yeah, Sean White and Travis Prestana.

8:36:33She's wearing all like the old merch, like all the old bread.

8:36:47creepy

8:36:51so it could be a toddler playing with a toy out there or there's some some kind of clicker going on what do you think it is is that a can you not be dismissive for 12 seconds i mean so it's getting into a point also whenever you looked up there was no stars don't know if that's relevant or not but and also So like that same flashing red light that he's outside before is now in the treetops. Same thing from before. Go ahead. No, no, no, God, you got something. I don't have anything. I'm just curious for people who are listening in the audio. He's walking outside at like probably like 10, 8, 10 PM at night and shine a flashlight.

8:37:35And then in the woods and he stops, turns off his flashlight. and there was like a clicking sound with a red strobing light is the best way I could describe it. Right? You don't have anything, any smart? No, that's it. Okay. A little clicking thing and he ran away. Hold up. Go back to that video real quick. I think on a lot of them you can see the time it was posted. You may not be able to on old ones. 1140 p.m. 1140 p.m. Okay. So that one was actually at night. Never mind.

8:38:06we try to get a i thought it was at 11 40 a.m i thought it was gonna be fun if it was like 2 p.m or something like yeah yeah but it was it was midnight yeah which i would be so funny if he was walking he posted 11 40 and he's like he's like yeah it's high noon right now

8:38:25i look look at this what the hell it's like it's a picture of the red light on the tree yeah What? Then that tweet was made by Big Big Yoshi Butt What the hell? Okay The story I found Has similar themes So I have no idea what this story of yours Is going to My story Oh sorry, the end Oops My story Wait, okay, alright I keep accidentally No, you can put the title. Okay, all right the title. The title is my best friend is the bearded man in my window

8:39:10The best part of this is I have no idea who wrote it redacted The name was redacted or you just forgot to look at the no no, they deleted the reddit They deleted their reddit. Okay. All right. So you really have no idea who wrote it. No idea. Okay is the only story i want to be crazy about like it's a me yeah wait what oh what uh there's just there's uh i read a little bit of it i i really haven't read it yet not all of it i wanted to be surprised with you i thought it'd be nice we're up here we're palling around i'm like i don't know what's going on next historically us blind guessing stories if we go in uncharted territory you have I mean, there's like fucking 12 people dressed up like Tommy Taffy here.

8:40:00Yeah, in the front row. Which, where were all of you when everyone was mad at us in the comments? Yeah, damn. Well, I mean, I think you're going to dig this. And I will say, there's a lot of lines for me to read, so I'm stoked.

8:40:18Okay. Before the show, I'm going to go, before the show, we were doing sound checks and they were running through the sound effects and there was one of a baby crying. And I go, Hunter, is that your story? And he goes, yeah. And now he just told me he hasn't finished the story. And there's a baby here, a baby there. Let's see what happens. Let's just dive in. Can we dive in? I have nothing to do with this. Neither do I. If I kill a kid in a story they're 15. Okay, we've proven that it's fine. All right. All right I redacted oh, oh, it does say redacted. Okay. Well Let's begin. Let's do it How we got a oh, that's a cute animation is it horses lamb?

8:41:06That's good. Okay

8:41:14Dear Lord Lord, please give me a friend.

8:41:21Who was that impression of? I don't know. Amen.

8:41:29I tended to psych myself out too much, making little things to be more than they really are. A habit that has become exhausting. I felt like I could hear the faint crying of a baby.

8:41:48Hunter? Little baby, is that you? I don't... Maybe it's just... Okay. Bones breaking with every well.

8:42:07I heard the bone breaking one too. And he goes, wouldn't it be funny if those two were together? It was funny. It was good. You've started a story. You're like, baby, bones break. I'm in. I don't even need to read the rest of this. I mean, am I wrong? I see a lot of quotation marks. We're good. Yeah. Okay. As I went to shut the window, I looked down into the forest. Four deer stood looking up at me. Not moving, not grazing. Just looking directly at me. In the deafening quiet, I could still hear the baby crying. I could hear its endless cries echoing through the forest. I heard...

8:42:48I heard the bones snapping every three seconds.

8:42:56You gotta keep reading.

8:43:02That's a sound effect. That's your department. No, no, no. You're supposed to read it for effect. Snap. Whale. Snap. Whale.

8:43:23I stepped forward to the brothers who outstretched the disgusting bird in front of my face, its wings splayed out openly. Trying to play it cool, holding back every notion I had to be squeamish, make a scene i killed it this morning about 50 of them are flying by my house and i was able to shoot one out of the sky with my dad's gun you know i figured out what it is why you picked this well i think you would write it this sounds like a story you would just tell me about your childhood ha ha ha that's cute don't give me that tone just like the the like yeah one time i was in high school and like i shot a bird with my dad's gun and i made all my friends kiss it yeah we called it kissy time all right i didn't like that okay yeah others just nodded their heads in agreement confused.

8:44:21See you then. Sarah said softly before throwing her hair confidently and turning to walk off down the hall. Brothers frowned at me and followed her as she left. It's my... You said you haven't read this whole story, right? Yeah. So my bear trap, or my prediction, but I hope it becomes a bear trap is like she is going... It's like a ritual or something. She's going to want him killed. She wants him to be there so she can kill him or something like that. I love a nice ritual killing. Like she's a witch or something like that. i mean i would i would love that yeah yeah this would be the moment i have not gotten this for you okay so just let you know this is all new for you yes everything now i chose this story probably after like the first page i was so in this is great creep cast fodder you didn't you have no i no that's not a good thing come on

8:45:19You have no idea what happens at the high school party. No idea. Okay. Yeah, sorry. I don't know. I'm not. I didn't do, I didn't have anything to do wherever this goes. He didn't know. I have nothing to do with this. I see when I said the witch thing, my brain was like, make a Jacoby joke. No, because I've learned my lesson, especially when you pick stories. I had done it. I had been invited to my first party. You had been invited to my first party. I got invited to something. I just had to kiss a dead bird. Walking home from the bus stop I felt on top of the world. I had so many ideas I had so many ideas for my costume for the Halloween party

8:46:03Okay, I was gonna quit the voice but I'm thinking through the rolodex of characters from stories I loved online Would I be dressed like this? Would I be a devented serial killer? a ghostly apparition or maybe just a pirate i don't want to freak myself out too much this kid rules this kid fucks dude yeah no he doesn't clearly come on man i was hunter actually wrote this about his childhood and he's over here like this kid's cool right This kid's actually pretty badass, actually. Yeah. I keep touching my face to scratch it, and I'm smearing paint all over my laptop. A youthful cry intermixed with the cries of a man?

8:47:04This is awesome.

8:47:13Against my better judgment, I pushed on, forcing myself along on legs that felt real thin and shaky, moving further into the trees.

8:47:25Why was his Reddit account deleted? Oh, shit. Alright, to be fair, there is a baby and a man in the woods alone, so I have no idea. Was this no sleep? Yeah. Was this tagged with anything? I don't remember. I don't think so. I'm sorry. I barely remember our episodes we recorded. You've expected to remember that. I don't fucking know.

8:48:00Just hold on. Just hold on. Please, brain. All I need is one more day from you.

8:48:22I felt a kick in my back from the desk behind me. I turned to see Jackie and his twin brother looking at me. Do they share a desk? Jackie and his twin brother looking at me, their bright red hair flashing like fire against the fluorescent overhead lights. You better not show up to the party tomorrow. Jackie said, puffing his chest out as far as he could. An alpha intimidating.

8:48:57The sound of something breaking open. What was that sound effect? I don't know.

8:49:04Is that an alpha noise? Is that the idea? He's like, yeah. He has shirt buttons ripping everywhere. I'm an alpha, Sam. Yeah. Yeah, I knew you'd like that one. Yeah. Yeah. Baraska. All right. Continue. I knew what I had to do. I put my costume on. I'm a weird character from an obscure...

8:49:39I'm a weird character from an obscure internet story that I'm sure no one will know. It's a bit tongue-in-cheek, honestly. The character gets bullied, burned alive, and comes back and kills everyone.

8:50:11Wow, I'll take that one. That felt good. All right. You know what? You're right. The story rules. Surely that's not a bad omen, right? I zipped up my hoodie. Jeff didn't have a zip-up hoodie in the story, by the way. Mine's canonically accurate. As I pushed my way through the brush, careful not to trip an upturned root, I hashed out all the things that I might say. Oh, here we go. Quips that I...

8:50:46The voice gets grating after too long, but he's begging for it. You have to persevere. Quips that I can throw at people. People love quips.

8:51:01Rolling through these thoughts, I couldn't believe how charming I was. You know, it is funny reading this that so clearly is targeted at this point. Right after reading my old story that was melodramatic over the top. It fits perfectly. Yeah. I couldn't believe how charming I was. Finally, it would be all smooth sailing from here. Everything was possibility. That's good grammar. Snap. Ah!

8:51:46Great! The party was amazing. Everyone was dressed up, laughing, having a great time. I was welcomed by everyone. People patted me on the back. People offered me drinks. Someone even offered me some alcohol, to which I had to politely decline.

8:52:06Oh, come on! He's cool. This kid is so mean. It's almost... No one made fun of me. Some people even tried to guess what I was wearing, which was cute, but none of them got close to the right answer. The one guy called me Jeff.

8:52:39Which made me... Does he say go to sleep? God, I hope. I hope. I could hear the man's bare feet walking on the garage floor. I didn't open my eyes. I didn't have the courage. The man stopped and waited. It was excruciating. Just kill me. Get it over with already. Open your eyes, my child.

8:53:07This does roll, you're right. Says the man, his voice is comforting. I trust him. Slowly letting my eyes open, revealing the man in front of me. Jesus?

8:53:37That's right, Shia. You called to me. And I answered.

8:54:08There's no way. Yeah, I wrote this.

8:54:38I fell to my knees in disbelief thinking about the last couple days thinking of the baby born in the dark woods. He gathered the animals of the forest to resurrect himself.

8:54:53For what? For me? You don't need to seek validation. That's it? That's the... Wait. My slide ends there. Huh? Mine ends there. That's the last. It goes off then. I'll keep reading.

8:55:16Jesus walks over to them, kneeling down to them. This is a blessing.

8:55:26But always know, I am watching at all times. Do you understand? You want to read that? Start here. I wanted to hear you read the thing, so. Thank you.

8:56:12It's a good story. at least.

8:56:18Yeah, finish it off for the people. Right here? Yeah. I think I've been able to be more comfortable with myself and have poured my interest, this is like a flogging, I've poured my interest into internet horror topics and have even started making videos online.

8:56:51I've got to say, I think my parents are even a fan now. They even appreciated my username, Windigoon.

8:57:13Oh cool!

8:57:21Oh cool! My first comment. This iceberg video rules!

8:57:52A couple fun facts. Me and my friend Dave, who's here, standing somewhere off to the right over here.

8:58:04We wrote this today in five hours.

8:58:12also the best part of it all is i got your wife's permission

8:58:26i'm speechless no rebuttal no response how when did you decide to do that i think i decided i wanted to write it a while ago but it got really busy and then I was like oh shit today's the show so yeah so there you named the character after me who praised God yes I was making fun of him so much and the Jeff the kill just over and over you did kind of call it a little bit

8:59:08so you know when when did i call it you you kept saying like oh this is something you would write that's a bear trap i just once again just like how old you are which i still don't know it's i just wouldn't expect you to lie to me so hard i guess i thought it was a good story for a story you wrote in five hours that was well done oh good i'm glad you like this the yeah like the baby being shoved in by the deer and stuff like that that was sick that was cool it was but like i was like you can't like just have him stand up and be like i'm jesus yeah you know right so i was like what's a cool way for a guy to be resurrected and it's like if he is growing his other self and like his younger self is just crawling inside of him that's kind of cool that is pretty sick yeah it's pretty metal yeah and then he shows up and blinds everyone at the end gosh the amount i was like didn't drink alcohol it's like me huh i was doing the voice i was doing the shinji voice it's beautiful okay it's unironically good story but also i i will get you back at some please do okay well done good story my brother and i tried to melt into the floor my dad stood and went to the bedroom to get changed out of his work clothes let out a sigh of relief and looked at jay he grimaced at me and shook his head his loose tooth jutting from his upper lip be good tonight i whispered urgently to him i picked up my plane and decided to stash it in my bedroom didn't want to give my dad any excuse to flip out tonight out of sight out of mind this is this is like so far just very tragic.

9:00:49Just a very sad scenario. I feel like this seems like this is legitimately most nights at my house growing up. I feel like was the, uh, it's just doing a thing of being like, Hey, how was your day? Oh, spin me up and let me go. It's like a loose cannon, emotionally immature dad is kind of what this reminds me of. It's funny because I was about to be like yeah, I've heard from people who have had abusive

9:01:20I mean, I've never seen my dad also first I thought the kid was gonna be like Broken glass shards from like if you smash the bottle it would go everywhere

9:01:32Ah it's smooth just coughing up blood

9:01:39Dad? You a good boy? You a good boy for mom? Blood sweating blood. You a good boy for mom? Hmm? Was that a paper I was reading today, big man? Hmm? Can you read yet? Can you do that? Dad truly has become scary, hasn't he? There's certainly something wrong with that. There's something wrong with Pep Pep. The rings are more than show. I'm sure you know that by now. They are keys, but there's a darker secret behind them. They're also a symbol to show your allegiance to the faith by permanently clamping onto the wearer's finger. The only way to remove it is by removing the finger entirely. When they banished me, I was so torn that I bit off my own finger.

9:02:30I didn't want anything on me that was associated with them. that's crazy

9:02:44are you pregnant too I noticed your belly is kind of rump as well can I see me thinks me heard a kick is that a pregnancy yeah your belly sounds like a war drum please do you like that I want to play donkey conga on your belly. I couldn't fathom.

9:03:12I couldn't fathom someone wanting to risk their finger. Do you like the GameCube? Okay, sorry. Go ahead. Sorry. Sorry. I love the Wii. It's my favorite. I love the Wii. I love Nintendo. Speaker 1.: Oh, yeah. I can't wait for another led donkey Kong game to come out. Can I get pregnant with Nintendo? I would like that. Mr. Nintendo and pregnant me. Can I be pregnant too? I wanted to put a power glove in me. Speaker 2 9, 2. All right. Well, we didn't need to get, we were like alluding to something nefarious. We didn't need to go into detail with what you just said. They were talking about things going into people.

9:03:57That's not what I want. That's not really popular. I don't know his name, but that guy, he's like not the American guy. Yeah. He was the CEO of American Nintendo and he was a, people liked him. I want him to make love to me. I think his name is Reg Reggie. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. I made a mistake bringing the pregnancy. I should have known that was a hot zone for you. Fill me with your chum. See, there we go. There we go. I'm a chum bucket. Okay. Okay. That's enough, I think. Chum bucket. Where do you get a muffin? Here's a fish thing. Also, it's where Plankton wants to steal the Krabby Patty.

9:04:40That's a good impression. Thank you, crabs. Is this like 20 years old by now?

9:04:50came out in 2010 that's like 20 years old is this thing like 100 years old did Charlie Chaplin write this story I didn't hear the 2010 part I was just asking no reason to jump on the little guy

9:05:18can i say can i at least ask this question yeah a smile dog if you had to say cut or uncut what would you say i'm not answering it's definitely uncut don't don't encourage him what are you gonna say not whatever he wants me to who would cut smile dogs

9:05:48I I happy. Hold on. Let me hold on. Lift it up.

9:05:57Okay. No wonder he's smiling. Not there. Smile dog with a vina. It's nothing but pedigree. You've got to censor that.

9:06:10Yeah, absolutely. I'm actually gonna tuck it in there too. Yikes. Okay, well work on my phone. Hold on. What are you looking up? I'm trying to find the story, but it's just. There it is. Look, no, no, that's the other one. This is wait. Hold on. I didn't work when I did that. You need to hold it sideways. What the? What is that about? The website only appears in the left. We have not read one word from the story. It's already longer than it takes to read the story. The story is shorter than what we've been talking about. All right. Now I'm in. Smile dog creepypasta. From the top. Yeah, from the top.

9:06:56Hold on. I locked the iPad. Okay, I'm good now. All right. Before we went and got ice cream right before this. Children. Like children. We do so. Before we got ice cream, before this. Before we went to a scary story, we went and got ice cream. Yeah, ice cream. And while we were getting ice cream, Allison referred to me as Hunter's friend, and he quickly corrected her and said, co-worker. Yeah. There was no jest. There was no joke to his tone. and he hasn't shown any humor in that statement since then. So the, uh, we got ice cream though. Pretty good. Do you like space stories? I feel like they are very hit or miss.

9:07:43Guess they never miss, huh?

9:07:50Okay. okay i feel like they uh can do some really cool stuff like i forgot about him

9:08:10he just really flashed over there

9:08:22Come on, man. Wait, the dumbest? I mean, just like the chip, the big cheese smile with the little tiny. So the smiling ones on space station mirror. Well, what I'm saying is like a lot of them are either really good. You can do cool stuff with them. like the themes of the comet going through space and stuff that we saw in the writing during the other astronaut on this mission died uh six weeks ago uh and i'm trying to think of i know there's some space stuff i've read that's kind of lame i think i read one about like a bug on a spaceship when i was younger that was kind of just like lackluster the setting's very creepy but you got to do something with it if you had jobs do you like this the name of the story yeah i think the smiling ones i mean similar to the other astronaut died it's like why why would there be smiling ones in the middle of space right what is that just a stack of drawings well some drawings i've done what all's in there we saw that one everyone saw that one

9:09:45why does he always draw my neck so long

9:09:59five seconds before we started recording he said He asked, who's your favorite superhero? I said, I'm probably Batman. Just had that ready to go. That's really good. Whoa, what's that? Oh my gosh. It's like a skull coming out of a hand. I don't know. Hold up. Can you get that one in Smile Dog out? Can you just hold them both up to the camera at the same time? no that's not the one i asked you to get out i need you

9:10:40all right let's read the story okay smiling ones on space station mirror can i be controversial off the top i think the the title is a bit of a flop for me you don't like it is that what you're asking me why I felt about it. What would you rather it be called?

9:11:03I don't know. I need to read the story first to make a title name. I just don't like smiling ones. You don't like smiling ones? Just a bit try hard. And then also mirror. Isn't that what they gave Jesus? That's myrrh. Spelled M-Y-R-R. It's different. what's this like shifty little you're in a mood right now you're like a goblin 41 could answer the radio clicked on and he was back mission control I wish I could help you but I have no idea what you're talking about perhaps one perhaps once I have my feet back on the ground and some food in me I'll remember more any word on my rescue mission buddy got turned into a stick puppet they got their hand up him right now I was just talking, but what's funny is we never see it, which I will say the smiling ones at the beginning were kind of like, I see a lot of smiling faces that could be kind of cheesy, but the fact we don't see anything is fun.

9:12:04It makes it more inventive, but we don't see what's happening. We was like, no, no, I don't know. Please no more. We don't see it. So for all we know, it could be like, um, they've like got a little Tiki bar and they're making him like dance. Like they pull. this is what's on uh the space station with lodovsky

9:12:28that's just behind him at the chair

9:12:34that has to have a little astronaut helmet on of course of course and he put an astronaut helmet on and so he's got that and staying behind him when he heard like they're making pull up and they're bringing him to the dance floor he's like no no it's been 44 years um i'm just gonna stare here stand here and stare all day the doctor said scene changed fully naked so i'll take that as you're free to go she's like are you gonna stand here and stare at me and he a doctor's like yeah Wow. I love it. So I'll take that as I'm free to go. He does. Yeah. Not only am I super powerful, I kill people, but I can't help it because it's part of my condition and I get revenge and I'm perfect in every way, but everybody wants me.

9:13:31So I'm taking that as I'm free to go. Yeah. It's insane. She's the perfect woman. Perfect and everywhere. Beauty. She's so funny. And she's only a little angry on her periods. So. So I'm taking that as. I'll take that as. I'm free to go. Doc, why don't you take a picture that lasts longer? I will. Gets underneath those old 1800 cameras. You know the giant flash thing? the whole room filled with smoke make a copy of that for me whenever you get a chance i will the giant just like keeps going so i'm taking that yeah

9:14:28no jane took her bloodstained clothes that were in a hospital bag and walked out fully nude not caring that people are looking at her on her way home she saw clothes that were hanging out to dry on a clothesline outside a little suburban home these clothes matched her frame there were a pair of black sweatpants a sleeveless black under armor shirt and a black hoodie this i i 100 percent okay i understand my 13 year old me was like this is the most beautiful woman i've ever heard of Perfect body. Cut off black under armor. Not too buff, but just buff enough. Could kill me in an instant, but very feminine.

9:15:17But could tear me in half. Sleek, but also dangerous. Could throw me through the ceiling. 90 seconds of pure chaos. Like just a pale Rhea Ripley. Now you got me. Now you got me. You get it? You see where I'm at? You get what I'm talking about? So that would be, that would mean that Sebastian had multiple kids is what I assume. Yeah. And he took, he had to take a deep one wife to have these kids. Yeah. Interesting. Hunter, you're on a beach. Fish girl comes up to you. Would you do it? Oh, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. If she, if she looking tall, dark haired and green eyed. She'll be looking however, dude.

9:16:04I'm saying wet and glistening, dude. She's just coming out. She opens her mouth and there's all kinds of eldritch sounds coming out. I'm just like, my ass is the literal first beginning beats. I'm seeing that. She's singing some kind of like hypnotic siren, right? Whatever. I'm thinking.

9:16:27And I'm thinking one, two, three, four, five. Everybody in the club. I'm just mambo number five the entire time. I'm going to start dancing. Like I'm with Lou Bega, dude. That's what I'm thinking. You got, you got me out there. You got to start singing with him. You're gonna be like, Oh, I bid farewell to the force and the land. And you're like, yeah, yeah.

9:16:49And my bones in the ocean forever. We'll be like, you're just, you're just going after that scaly, that scaly. Oh man. I'm trying to count them scales. I'm trying. I'm trying to see if those scales talk back. You know what I mean? I am, dude. I'm playing out. Yeah. No shit. I'm playing tic-tac-toe on those things. That's right. I'm doing some Morse code. I'm pushing some buttons. Hey, we're pushing buttons again is what we're doing. We're flipping switches. Whatever they got going on, we're going to figure this out. We're going to crack the code. Start speaking Cthulhu by the end of it. No shit.

9:17:25Yeah, exactly. I'm going to be rolling R's and all kinds of stuff, dude. It's going to be unbelievable. I'm going to be rolling.

9:17:34okay anyway she pulled into the back lot of the prince ridge parked walked straight into our hotel room which she hadn't even bothered to lock on her way out ran after her locking the hotel door behind me they know we're here we have to go now kipper fell into the armchair began spinning the car keys on her finger the spin is kind of rough i didn't think about the visual of that that's kind of cringe yeah a bit cringe now see now i'm picturing her in the white knight armor kind of thing. It's like I'm picturing two completely knight in armor. They're both wearing knight's armor. They're like, Kimber, you have to get out of here.

9:18:06Now she's like, I knew you'd go to your mother's. No, don't do that to Kimber. I'm not. I'm not. I knew you would go to your mother's. Even when you're high, even when you're high, you're not stupid enough to make a run at Boraska in the daylight. I'm not high.

9:18:26You had it well. Hold on, hold on. But does it say Kimber shrugged? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I can't, I can't, not this, not Boroska, not this one. I'm not doing that much of a voice. I am doing the actions of what she's doing. All right. And I reeled back the voice. So it's, she shrugs. You hide it well. And anyways, how can I believe anything you say? You've lied to me at every turn. I lied. You kept everything for me. Only what I didn't trust you with. and I agree that you were right. I was a liability and I'm so sorry for that. Kills me to even think about the danger I put you in, but you need to admit the, I can see you spinning faster.

9:19:08I see it. Like it's making, it's making a loud noise,

9:19:19but, but you need to admit the reason you're really here. Let me take it. Let me take care of the rest. I can do that now, and I want to. I know what my life is buying. I want to help, Sam. I'm not going to do it. The glow from the lamppost reveals a curly-haired woman. Both arms are covered in an elaborate sleeve of tattoos, two colorful gardens of fully bloomed flowers in an elaborate watermark style. I roll down the window a fraction of an inch and yell back, Why are you following me, you psycho? Who the hell are you? And what are you doing with Paulina? Oh, hell yeah, dude. Do not just tell me that we're getting in some girl on girl action.

9:20:04Y. Hold on, no, no, no., no, no, no, no. 1, 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 finishing it. With the kernel come because that's like looking good. Oh, why are you such a quick? Oh my gosh.

9:20:23You had that one banked. You just had that on deck. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry that maybe Paulina, our queen or hero. And then all of a sudden a fucking girl with a dragon tattoo, curly girl comes up. She's just like, you move, you moving in. You know what I mean? Is it now we got a love triangle dude? No, it's cause you're sexualizing it. Like if it's fine, like two, two, like perfectly fine, like two women want to be together. You know, that, that that's between them. Um, whatever. I don't need to come in and make it into, I don't need to fetish size it. Like, I'm sorry. That was, that was wrong of me.

9:21:03You know, I was probably wrong. Was it wrong? Was it wrong? You had the Colonel joke on cue that was in your tape deck, like skip next song ready to play. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm sorry. You know what? I, I probably, I probably, I probably jumped the gun. His Tinder profile said he was 45, but he looked to be in his early thirties at most looking for a sugar baby, $700 weekly, no sex. Oh, that's so funny, Hunter. That's the same thing that, you know, I saw when you first messaged me. God talk about an unbelievable deal. A sugar, a sugar baby, $700 weekly and no, and no scrum. No grum, no scrum.

9:21:41How great is that? You would do it in a heartbeat. Oh my God. Oh God. Instantaneously. I'd be like, I'd even do a little grum, a little scrum, a little grum. I'd be your little barnacle on the bottom of your boat. Why not scrape me off daddy? I don't even want to picture what that, what that act would translate into what the barnacle might mean. We're just going to keep going. I'm sticky and I'm spread out and I'm stuck. Okay. I need you to poke me off. Okay. Okay. All right. All right. The part I was mostly making fun of you for was the part where it says you're actually 45, but you look in your early 30s.

9:22:21Oh, good. Yes. Well, I am a youthful man for my age. Of course. As a result, I would stand by her side of the bed and hope that she wakes up on her own and ask me what's wrong so I don't have to feel like I'm bothering her. sometimes i would stand there for what felt like hours waiting for her to save me from my paralysis of that indecision that sounds like that immediately sounds like something you did as a kid i did do that actually i'm not even joking i would get freaked out in my room i would stand my i would stand my mom or i'd like go really close to her i'd be like and she'd like fucking like freak out be like what oh because i'd be so close to her face or i would go into a room and i would sleep on the floor next to her bed in the morning she would like step on me and I'd be like, oh, and she'd be like, oh my God, I'm sorry.

9:23:09Like the biggest thing was I was like, I'd be freaked out. I'd go and I'd whisper to my mom, but I didn't want to wake up my dad. Cause I knew if my dad woke up, he'd be like, what the hell? Oh dude. Yeah. Like raise hell for sure. But yeah, I did that all the fucking time when I was younger, you got to strategize how you, you really do. You have to strategize how you're like, I'm going to die of a heart attack. I'm so afraid of my room of whatever, you know, it could have been a dream or who knows what it is. But yeah, going into the room, really like slowly turning the fucking the door. So there's no sound of that.

9:23:45My dad also had like this industrial fan that we blaring in there. So it'd be like this huge, like wind tunnel in the room. And I just be up to my mom. Mom. Yeah, she would freak the fuck out. but I always felt terrible. The funniest part is you curling up on the floor like a dog. I did. Like a shih tzu or something like that. I literally curled up at a ball. My mom would wake up in the morning. And, you know, you're small. You're just a kid. You don't think. And no one, like, looks at the floor before they get out of bed or whatever. So, yeah, she would step on me. I'd be like, ah!

9:24:23Or my dad would get pissed because my dad would wake up really early for, like, construction work. And he'd be like, what the hell? are you doing here what do you think you're doing what the hell do you think you're doing boy that's probably why your grandfather tried to shoot you yeah it's probably why your grandfather accidentally shot the dog because you know you two look so much alike i bet you're that one surprised me at all if you were like yeah it turns out i was one of the kids i wore like the ears and the tail like i would bark at people at school i wish i had the courage i wish i i wish i had an imbalance of courage like that dude I'm not a coward maybe your grandpa was trying to save us maybe maybe dude maybe just go to God just go to God I don't wanna go come on maybe if I can kill him before he becomes a sinner I can save him I can save all of them I've given him four bars of chocolate but he hasn't died yet

9:25:26kept leaving the door open and stuff like that hoping you'd run away yeah go on get i should get lost in the woods i really shouldn't have left

9:25:41but then i you don't get to do the build process with those right it's just like here's mothman yeah where's the fun in that yeah well you fucking you do deep penetration on that little motherfucker too when they shoot the stuffing inside of it. It's crazy how hard they're like, alright, now go six inches and you're like, alright, now twelve. And you're like, keep this little motherfucker is spit roasted. I remember as a kid. It's great. I remember even as a child I was like. I remember as a kid, like my little sister was too young to like do it. She was just, she was like four and the worker's like, I'll do it.

9:26:19Just when the workers do it too because you know that they're like i just want to get this shit done with yeah they do they do it like this like that and it's like it's about to rip his head off i got i got kind of traumatized when i was there when i was younger my sister got one because you're supposed to name it you like name it first well it's been a while since i've been there but name it yeah you name it first and it's like coming in because it was like at the mall i mean it came in because uh me and my dad were doing something my mom and my sister were over there doing that. So we came in after the fact and she like had that thing and she was like slowly going down like pushing it down to the pipe whatever because they'll let you be like here put the stuffing into it and she had like that just going through and it's body was all propped up like this getting filled up and I was like what's your bear's name and she was looking at me and she did Gabriel

9:27:16He told me his name was Gabriel and he's gonna help us It's a bit, I'm like, cause you don't think of a different way Where you don't have to go into the ass and stuff it Gabriel Yeah, I was just like, Gabriel It would of course be an angel name I'm getting him a dog tag I was like, what does that mean? Is he a war vet? Is he a fucking Vietnam war vet? What are you talking about? The only other astronaut on this mission died six weeks ago, but the computer insists their life signs are still staple. When Ben died, he made very little noise. When Ben drowned. When Ben drowned. I can't even do the goldblum thing right now.

9:27:58Why? What's wrong? so i a story can't say a story can't start with when ben died without us thinking of when ben drowned just everything it's just so much at one it's it's you it's well i was i was on the phone earlier talking about entertainment lawyers for like a copyright strike thing on the channel and then i like oh my my good pal and business partner hunter responded let me hear what he has to say And then it's just, it is, it is that it is something that I, I'm not built for. It's just, it's, it's a lot at once. Yeah. It's haunting. It's haunting and eerie how similar that sounds to the conversation my mom had before she left my father.

9:28:46Go ahead.

9:28:52If I, if I could divorce you, I would have done so. No, no, no, no, you wouldn't. but I'm stuck here. This love is too good, isn't it? You can't walk away. It's too good. Too many people watch the show. There's too much money in it at this point. Give mama a kiss. Come on. There's too many advertisers and there's too many employees tied to it. I can't get out. I'm stuck here. Give me some sugar now. What if I did it? What? Well, you would have said a lot of, there'd be you know there'd be a pin of kittens very sad right now i'd be i'd be free i could be out of here it would be over you know what then just go ahead and do it then dude if it's that bad then do it okay you'd like that wouldn't you yeah yeah that's what i thought okay victoria are you all right what's going on in there can you let me in please go away i heard her say in between gas.

9:29:55Go away.

9:29:59I mean, does it sound like she's in the middle of like a sexual situation to see? I didn't like that. I was trying to be subtle to make it like that. I mean, that's just, it is what it is. It sounds like some, I said, no, no, no, no. You know what? You know what? I side pressing my, no, no, I would have, he should have, Marcus should have pressed his ear against the door. And all he knows

9:30:34in the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lions leaves tonight. And then get out of here. In the jungle.

9:30:48Yeah. That'd be sick. That was good. That was good. actually a better direction you took that than whatever i thought you were gonna do after all he'd hardly ever known his sister yet the baby blue eyes behind his jet black hair were piercing into mine searching for the girl he so dearly missed i couldn't think of what to say to him i was distracted by the feel of the cigarettes in my bag i needed one all right that's all he bustered stopping at the foot of the stairs hey goober i had no idea if that was something Mikayla ever called. Yeah, she's just like dynamite. Making up pet names on the fly.

9:31:29Okay, where's the food? Where's dinner at? Mama Cita? Old pops. The mom and dads are throwing around pet names a lot. Baby, sissy, all that kind of shit. So he's like, Goober? Yeah. Hey, Goober. That's funny to imagine that your sister runs away for like what's it been six years seven years no 12 12 years like 12 years yeah so now you're 30 and you're like goober yeah well to be fair that could be some nice millennial cringe type yell hey goober hey goober it was a person perhaps in the loosest sense of the word its body was huge white and bloated oh fuck but i thought were pillows were actually huge pindless breasts oh yeah pair of nipples god damn well the swell of the bed's comforter was a huge stomach sagging down to the ground and ripples of white flesh oh damn dude imagine your dad drops you off in the first bit of pussy in your life is this giant like fluffy pillow fuck monster Speaker 0 0 no Shouldn't makeoff to me, Do you think that's a wait?

9:32:40So wait, so he's like, Hey, I had to do it. Paul had do it. Grandpa. Speaker 3 0 7 25 Speaker 0 5 20 y there. You know, it's funny. Oh, it's funny about this last week was my episode. It was, it was, it was my episode. Yeah. It was ridiculously long. It was about the CIA and God and giants and all that stuff went on for 11 hours, like up my alley. This one is an hour and a half, probably a giant bed woman that these guys are forced to pair with. And like, Hey, but seriously, don't talk to no broads when you're out and about upset the pillow woman. You get to do a funny accent. I love it. This is definitely my kind of episode.

9:33:34This is your kind of episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome back to Creepcast. Today we are diving into another cosmic horror phenomenon known as the only other astronaut on this mission died six weeks ago. But the computer insists their life. Oh my God. But the computer insists their life still. Life! Fuck!

9:34:03The only other astronaut on this mission died six weeks ago, but the computer insists their life signs are still stable. Got it. First try. And this is an author we've read before. What's funny is people are going to start thinking you're doing that on purpose. I cannot read. I'm dumb. I am a fucking moron. Okay. Why do you think I only do the voices? Okay. If I had to read this, can you imagine if I had to read the whole thing, it would not work. Would not work. now this is by christian wallace that's why you need me don't forget that that's true away as soon as we entered he let out a sigh i asked what was wrong and he just replied with he's been making some changes around here what changes well it took food out of your fridge your clothes are torn i think it's even slept in your bed it's not gonna like you being back oh that's funny i'm going i'm gonna assure that thing that i'm not saying yeah i feel there's a weird uh language here and stuff like that maybe the maybe english is the second language i don't know um i'm gonna assure that thing that i'm not staying like i'm gonna make sure it knows that i'm not sticking around this is its house okay i'm gonna assure i'm gonna assure that thing that i'm not staying i'll leave you i'll leave oh my fuck i'll leave soon enough and i'll be free to and it'll be free to torment whoever comes here next.

9:35:23I fucking hate my life. Right? I hope you guys are reading the screen because I'm like a nonsensical fucking schizophrenic right now reading this shit. God. I hate myself. I hate my fucking ape brain. How's that milk doing, buddy? It's not good. Not good. Why didn't the Order of Dagon have them killed? Well, who knows? Maybe they fear this power. Maybe they thought old Degar himself would come to Collector's Do or the traitor, but it never happened. Okay, so first of all, you are an incredible voice actor. Oh, thanks, man. I'm glad you liked that. That entire time I was like, I just like went into a trance and I was like, I was looking at the fish man under the rags.

9:36:16Oh, sick, man. Yeah, I tried to get a gargly thing going. That was so stupidly good. uh to follow up on that how is it that you have trouble reading a text message if you have to just read text but if you adopt a character's voice you can read the cult and pragmaticians of cthulhu and the granddaddy of march without a single break i don't know i think i was i think i was pretty immersed myself of a man you were so into it that you couldn't fathom saying a word wrong who had wrestled his soul from me and believed he could do the same thing for you blame him for the slaughter of those innocents and for what uh and what for you're about to blame him for the slaughter of those innocents and for the uh god blame him for the slaughter of those innocents and for what you are about to suffer if i wasn't so terrified i would have been embarrassed by my outburst but i couldn't stop the shaking deep breaths one problem at a time.

9:37:18I need to wipe it off the wall, pick up the glass, and then I could go die in Missouri. Pull out a pathetic saw. Alright, that's... Missouri's kinda cool. Okay, God, if there was gonna be... Yeah, so actually the middle of the country is actually kinda fucking sick. Yeah, it's a flyover state, but still. If there's gonna be a giant human trafficking operation, it wouldn't be in Missouri. It wouldn't be here, so you shouldn't even look for it. Sam, I won't... Sam, I won't... take your time it's okay sorry bud look chapter two we still got we're only we're 10 of the way in once we finish the chapter so you know easy going from here sam i won't let anything happen to you nailed it please don't tell me this is your plan our contact will give us more direction your contact yeah do i know this guy i didn't say it was a guy and it doesn't matter Why wouldn't it matter?

9:38:16Because this person has told me stuff That can only mean that they are on our side Just give me a second dude I'm fucking I'm a fucking I'm seriously so dumb It's unbelievable Because this person has told us Because this person has told me stuff That can only mean they are on our side Hold on I don't know, let's take a little One second, second good. You're doing really good. Look, we're in chapter three. That's quick. I'm so fucking dyslexic. It's unbelievable, man. Are you diagnosed dyslexic? Hell no. Self-diagnosed. How else could it be? I mean, I'm like, why can't I say this? Because this person has told me stuff that only...

9:39:03Okay, well, now it's a bit. Now we've hyped it up. Because This person has told me stuff that can only mean they're on our side. Thank you. Good job, Hunter. There's only 18 chapters to go. 17. No, no, no. We're on three. Welcome back to Creepcast. Today we are reading Ensorce... Ensorce... Take your time. It's okay. Sound it out. One step. Ensorcelled. It's okay. Ensorcelled. ensorcelled in the earth sorry sorry about that I even said it out loud properly before this I don't know why I had such a hard time ensorcelled in the earth Ian still pissed at me took this opportunity to vent a bit huh what are you talking about now Lucas is bumbling and twitching all over the place don't be a dick man you know he hasn't late stage multiple sclerosis we told you before the hike started about we told you before we told you before the hike start oh my god we told you about whatever we got it we told you before the hike started about his condition I hate myself such a fucking idiot whatever is so funny like they'll get it I just fucking put me down god damn dude they've heard it enough times worthless dog that's all I got god damn dude so no you're not I love you we love you it's okay Five suicides?

9:40:36How could the university still let people live in there? They don't, apparently. That's why it's just a pyro. And back then? Well, every few years, once everyone who would remember the head, Gret, well... I can't do that. Is it too much? Is it too powerful? It's good. It's a good voice. Well, every few years, once everyone who would remember the head, Gret, once everyone, well...

9:41:14I'm not good at reading It's not that Take a minute and take a breather Well Sign went on and we got to know each other better He ended up sharing one of his own stories with me It was disturbing But it helped to know that I wasn't the only one Affected by things going on out here I think this must have happened I think this must have happened before I think this must have happened before you got here because I think it's happened while you were because I think if it happened while you were here oh my fucking god oh god my fucking brain fucking idiot brain Jesus Christ what the fuck did I do? did I drop as a kid?

9:41:54my fucking god I think this must have happened before you got here because I think if it had happened while you were here you'd have remembered it i know it didn't end up the officer says all that he fucking should i know it i know it didn't end up in the news for some reason but i think most people who've been here long enough know about it the park sold off a portion of land a logging company and it was a real controversial thing as you all know i went to a training seminar recently and heard some amazing and horrible things there one of the guys i talked to while i was there told me a story when we were all around the campfire one night we were both pretty drunk we'll see a pattern here and we were swapping stories he told me this one god damn it my fucking brain i'm telling you man i'm like so i'm like every time i i see every time i see the quote to just read no i know okay i don't know every time i see the quotation i'm like i feel like a like a kid who is like on a baseball team who's like not going to do well at bat.

9:43:01So I'm just like barely sluggishly walking up to plate. Oh, boy, here we go again, just knowing I'm going to disappoint all the teammates. All right. It's okay, buddy. This is a slow, like, just one paragraph. This is a slow pitch. Me and another guy were out on field search because some campers reported screaming noises at night. Briggs cut across him. Sit down. He did not look up from the blade the whetstones sing and long pulls fire snapped men sank back to their cups night dropped heavy no star worth naming the wind cut keen after the conversation like no star worth name and not drifting it reminds me of like all the poems i would read like growing up around appalachia the like local authors would use talk about the mountains and stuff like that.

9:43:57Like, ah, inbred stuff.

9:44:09What did I do to deserve that one? I was just, I was having a good time. Just add a little pepper to it. I don't know. Man. Gosh. Earlier I was talking about coal miners and I was describing like the big worker strikes and like people dying in the mines and Hunter doesn't say a thing. And then when I get done, he goes, well, I mean, they were like mold people. So it's really like a give and take sort of thing. No, I tell you that you're, you're, you're right. I mean, like the people sat there and the brother and sister lovers, brother and sister lovers with the three, three fingers and the fish mouth and stuff like that.

9:44:52They do write pretty poems. What did brother and sister lovers with three fingers and a fish mouth? Is that what you think of me? Poetry in its own right.

9:45:05Yeah. Everyone's Spock out there. Fish love stuff. Make love to your sister. But anyway, so with that, let's, I've been joined this so far. This is really, obviously it's effective because I'm the pits of my knees are loose. Yeah, the language could be a bit flowery at times. It feels a bit too word salad-y, but it'll do. Was that you making fun of me? That was me wanting to stab the audience to death. Is that what they said in the comments for the Ligotti one? yeah i don't want to talk about it it's so it's un-fucking-believable he was so mad he was texting me it was so funny i've never been so fucking embarrassed in my life i mean people i mean people you know they want to they want to be chill and they want to like you know be laid back and just listen to a story i get it they're not trying to get a literary analysis and stuff like that i understand as much as I'm a fan of like what we read.

9:46:17I'm, I'm not as violent about it as you are. I mean, listen, I see very clearly now that people want the simple tropey schlocky stuff and that this is primary. I mean, like all in all, you know, I know that we've talked about this before too, about like we read stories and stuff. Yeah. We give analysis, but I would say more so it's about us joking around and stuff. And I get that. So all I got to say is that we're going to read whatever the fuck we want to read and you can bitch and complain all you want. So shut the fuck up, idiot. Thank you. Well said.

9:46:56Entry three. Entry three. They used to be people. The eggheads. Literally our fans.

9:47:08They used to be people. Now they just want stuff with people that have diarrhea in their pants and talking dolls that want to stab you. That's the real stuff they want. You're so tilted right now. I know. We can cut it. No, no, no, no. I think it needs to stay because this is funny for me. Whatever they say about you is double funny for me. I had a bunch of people. i posted a tiktok earlier today and all the comments for some reason just in unison decided to pretend like you died and they were all like you're doing really good i'm proud of you after what the accident i hope that hunter's family is doing okay we should just begin this story we should seriously begin this story then today with you at the end of this we should have you record something being like hey guys, um, he's not here.

9:48:08We haven't like the horrible, they basically say that I died. Right. And then they'll get to this part of the story and it'll make sense to why that happened. Right. Right. And then you can feel bad for making those, those things. Cause my wife sees that my children see it and they say, what's wrong, daddy. Why, what's going on? I'm like, I'm losing my mind. People think I'm dead. I had two family members text me and be like, is, did something happen to Hunter? What? Yes. I'm in hell. I want to fucking die He's so mad Oh This is great I love my job Holy fuck Alright The eggheads I just would feel a bit more comfortable If I knew how the guns worked I said a small smile tugging on his lips Avery rolled his eyes If you had played Destiny I wouldn't have to explain What Is he talking about the fucking Xbox game?

9:49:07Is he talking about the video game Destiny? There's no way, right? There's no way. If you had played Destiny, I wouldn't have to explain. If you had played Destiny, I wouldn't have to explain. Gosh, the voice you're doing works so well. It's literally like the... Well, if you understood the storytelling. Yeah, it is a bear trap of a voice. It's pure theory. I don't know how they developed it, but it works. All right, nerd. I trust you.

9:49:40All right. You know what? I bet that there's been a culture shift in this story. I'm vibing now. Like it's gone so far off the rails. This is hilarious. Well, if you were familiar with destiny and the concepts would be quite, would not be surprising at all. What? There's some, there's some like coffee pasta like that. But well, oh, the Rick and Morty thing. Like, it takes an intellectual mind to understand Rick and Morty. Right. Same thing. Mom, I'm hungry. Well, I had what I needed. I had the tart. Spencer could play his stupid games all he wanted. Man, she is. Spencer could play his stupid games for all he wanted.

9:50:20For all I care. Spencer, if you want to jack off in the loft of the bar, that's fine. But no food for you later. Uh-oh. I'll have to have beaten his big old donkey dick. see what I mean you have to go too far like I'm talking about like oh she's so mean to this guy you always take it to some she's like she's making him feel like a freak show some proclivity some horrendous like it's something sucking his lips licking his lips and beating his big arm alright alright alright tap out tap out tap out well I had what I needed I had the tarp Spencer could play his stupid games all he wanted for all I cared I slid back down and went back inside to serve lunch where's Spencer he's trying a brand new diet of cold eggs and ham ew he's trying a brand new diet of beating his cock we weren't there the story wasn't there our bit wasn't there you just accelerated it maybe if the bit ran its course for like another like two sentences it would have got there but you are flooring it to get to the Well, Henry, you're going to be just like him when you're older.

9:51:29You're a monster. You're a pig. See what I mean? Now you're talking about her speaking to her son with that tone of voice. Spins his out back, spitting his hand. He calls it Amish lotion. All right.

9:51:45All he had was a bag of peanut M &M's and a Coca-Cola. I think he'll be just fine.

9:51:52Yeah, he asked for a couple of Jolly Ranchers. Oh, God. Did you give him a jolly picture?

9:52:00Why you gotta do Spence like that, bro? Spence is hard work. I like Spencer. Oh, gosh. This whole idea of going up, blip, gone. I see.

9:52:19Hello? Why'd you point at Nick when he walked by? How you doing, Nick? Good. You gonna hang out with us? No, I just came to make sure that I clicked the floor. He's been, he's been in a weird mood. Did you get nervous? Yeah, I always get a little nervous. You wanna hang out for a second and listen to the next paragraph for this? What is he on? What did you want right now? What? He's in a strange mood. He's been weird. You didn't even do the thank you patrons for watching. Thank you to audio listeners. None of that. you can say it now i think thank you patrons thank you to all people listening on audio platforms like spotify and apple music be sure to give us a rating over there we really appreciate it means a lot and of course thank you to our lovely patrons who support the show with your hard-earned cash it means the world extra content over there for you if you're interested and there might be i can't honestly have no idea if there'll be merch when this episode's up but there might be that too creepcast.shop store creepcast.store no one else noticed it, but when we were pulling into my driveway, the person behind me ran over a turtle.

9:53:27No, it didn't. Is that what's been bothering you? Kind of. Where? On the road? Yeah. Or was the turtle? You weren't in a weird mood until we started recording. You were fine talking to that other guy? You were fine talking to Allison?

9:53:51He just, he spins lo - I ask him questions, he's like

9:53:59Got family annihilator eyes all of a sudden

9:54:06Alright Just whatever Mayday, mayday, mayday This is Kozman Otto Ulyssky-Ludovsky Attending to contact Soviet space program in Moscow Can you imagine if I'm just gone where you go pop it's back

9:54:31That's what happened the mirror, right? Huh? That's what happened with mirror Is that what happened? That's exactly what happened. They're being sarcastic. It's scary

9:54:46What It's scary. Why are you laughing? Translation of the Morse code. The smiling ones are with me. The smiling ones are here. Do not trust the smiling ones. Don't tell them you know. They will hurt me if they know. That's the end of part one.

9:55:13Are you just looking what it's freaky and I would eat my words and say that the smiling ones but at the end made it really scary because before I was like I don't know what the smiling ones titled but I don't know what's got you in this mood you're being stupid sarcastic right now I legitimately really like this I don't believe you he's doing the Morse code there that's a fun twist at the end these are all gimmicks you wouldn't like I don't know what character you've adopted Do you not like it? I'm enjoying it so far No you're not This isn't when you enjoy things When you enjoy things you sit over there And you're like this rules Yeah this is sick You're not like that was scary That was really scary that was cool I thought that this was good And I'm excited to see what happens next Because I can't tell if the people doing Morse code Are the spiny ones or not well I think it's interesting or do you think that he's in a parallel universe and he's able to talk with us right now like it's static like he's there but he's not you know what I mean like he's still existing in an alternate timeline or something to me this sounds like gun to your head kind of thing like they're around him making him talk and answer questions but he's trying to get a warning out I think interesting thanks for listening if you're listening on the audio platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcasts hope you gave us a good rating I'm sure we deserved it on this one and then and then the you also forgot to do an intro oh yeah that's right that's a long weekend long week man long fucking week can I at least get a long week break on that one long week Nick's not giving me anything looks like he smelled his own fart over there thanks to you patrons we appreciate you and also if you haven't signed up to the patron yet we do have an interview with dathan auerbach coming out soon uh i think it'll be out by the time this so it might already be out but it is uh the author of the pen pal author of pen pal what just just everything you're saying is wrong in some way it's just in little ways something you're saying is incorrect every time we have an interview with them it was fun it was much cleaner than this If you're in your car right now listening to this And you're still just having both hands on the steering wheel I want you to really wonder Why didn't you click off or turn it down or turn it off Even now As you still don't click off Why?

9:57:53Dude you need to click off Click off How has no one stopped them yet? Long story short I really can't explain But more than likely There are high power people involved with them that probably help hide the cult from the outside world. Politicians, police, etc. So, why are you explaining all this to me? Long story short, you're most likely the next person to be killed when they attempt to make horses disappear. Maybe if they take you, I'll be safe, and I can take the truck, so just hand me the keys, and I'll sit in the car. Long story short. You can say here, I promise I will not drive away as soon as I get in the driver's seat.

9:58:38Short, there has been some talk that someone inside your camp successfully conjured horse by themselves. Long story short, it's basically both rituals being performed at different points in time. The same process for both. Jesus Christ.

9:58:56Okay, that whole that whole like, well, person A gets possessed of person B. That sounds like something we would say making fun of a convoluted ritual. being like so person a has to get possessed and then they have to kill person b it's again if you feel the need to explain something in the story don't if it's that if it's that awkward to shove in i also have a stab one to my back though it is straight line and not a crescent uh no long story short horse never prophesied that he'd come back in a resurrected form How do I even know? Are you from here? Do you just stay in this parking lot? Long story short, he always explained from the beginning that he would need to be conjured and then possess someone's body.

9:59:38And long story short your name being an anagram for Sharino is just crazy coincidence. Besides, you look nothing like Horace and I've had family killed by these guys. Long story short I plan on taking this whole shit show down. Long story short Well, who is it? Long story short There's so many paragraphs Now that I'm gonna tell you I don't want to risk your safety But your camp did just that There's probably more to it Long story short If we can find out who they are They can help you Have you been smoking crack tonight, sir? We've been here for 40 minutes Long story short Thankfully they've gotten lost twice but I've seen the flashlights go over the hill three times now.

10:00:28So they have to, by process of elimination, they're going to be in this parking lot sooner than later. Long story short, I'm addicted to ketamine and I love opioids. Long story short, that's up for you to decide. But if you didn't trust me, why would you have stayed here for the last few minutes talking with me when you know why, know why they're coming after you? Long story short, I saved your ass. It led you to a pretty well hidden location in these woods. Long story short, just think about that. Wait, he's not going to take him with him. He met him in the middle of the woods and told him all this.

10:01:11And he's like, well, good luck with that. He just wasted 30 minutes of his escape time. Just making it up. also I imagine it's a red herring, but if it turns out to be true, it's like, Oh, my name's an anagram. And he's like, well, that's a coincidence. That's going to be the stupidest

10:01:35that I guess the scars of coincidence. They're really just mad at your dad. It's going to be the most frustrating. So yeah, long story short, trust no one that looks like him though. I doubt you already trust that many people in this area. Good luck. Sadly, I didn't hear anything he said after the first five words, because as previously stated, he was driving away. So the end of that was completely incomprehensible. Oh, by the way. Hey, I was wondering, could you stop? If you mess up the victim ritual after someone's already... What? that was really crucial come back and tell me that part can you take me with you please

10:02:36they're trying to kill me they're gonna kill me long story short you're in for a wild ride kid people are stabbing themselves I'm so scared please come back why is there a grocery store in the middle of the woods because the bear's gotta eat too kid yeah he gets them all to death by a grizzly bear

10:03:10because the kibler elves and the the bears that live in this forest and that's a story for another time long story the world's a fucked up place putting long story short and the the one legitimate time it was in the story was was cruel to do that to us that was like mockery this is a fun time in the early 2000s where technology people were finding ways of like you're sharing media and It's cursed and everything. I did have a couple thoughts, though. The veneers made me think of turkey teeth or turkey hair when people go to Turkey to get a hair transplant or the veneers. What if when you got a hair transplant from Turkey or veneers, you had, what if it was just a Turkish man that was smiling that visited you every night?

10:03:54And then the thing is, you had to have someone else go to Turkey and get their hair done until he left you alone. Smile.turkey.

10:04:05smile.turkey or turkey.jpg also i want to do an edit turkey is in a file

10:04:18yeah i do love i do love a file type just being dot turkey it's pretty good would the turkey be t-r-k-y Doc Turkey But I don't see anything about there being a Lanius God Interesting okay Anyway With that oh hello My wife's at the door hello Yes With Hunter Hey wait wait while you're here Kayla says hi Hunter Hey Can you be a doll And get me something to get me something to drink color toots toots can you get me perhaps a Dr. Pepper Diet Coke may have she didn't like the use of toots that did not go to my favor say you look so much prettier when she comes back with the drink in a second I will hit her with that just say honestly you walk around the house like this you'd just be so much prettier if you smiled and lost the shorts right or just you know just like makeup it's a friend to everyone something like that now that one would get me in a dog house you're gonna get slapped pretty hard on that I'll do the first one but that's where I draw the line can I just say something just like while we're waiting to get into part 3 I think this might be like my favorite story we've read what?

10:05:51this might be my favorite story we've read this one yeah okay so you're messing with me but he said no I'm serious no you're not this isn't how you seriously describe things no I seriously I fucking love this story no but you don't dude stop laughing seriously I fucking love this story you do not love this story no I do stop I really do this is my favorite I'm putting it down right now you would be so much prettier if you smiled Speaker 0 7.: Did not like that Hunter. That was a bad move. That was a bad full, just slam the door on her way out. Speaker 0 7.: I won't play out. Well, Speaker 2 4.: All right.

10:06:35Well part three, it's called the book part three here. And I just want to say, this is my favorite fucking story. Speaker 07.: Okay, whatever. Part three of the book, I think it's fine. I, I'm vibing with it. It needs to Speaker 3, I do, I mean, you're talking to me like that. This is my favorite story we've Speaker 0 5t. It needs to pick up a bit. Like, I kind of like the direction with Lanius and stuff like that. I feel like it's been a little slow on the setup, but I need to see it go a bit more, but yeah, I like it so far. It's got potential. Speaker 3 0 5t. For my review so far, no complaints, nothing.

10:07:07Speaker 0 5t. What's this attitude you're approaching this with? Speaker 3 0 5t. I just, well, I just, I don't know, man, like you're throwing, it needs to pick up like who, what the fuck are you talking about? Speaker 4 5t. Just read. Then the sign abruptly paused. Pinky was only halfway done. the wing hanging on only by sliver. Hey Dash, sink fast! Suddenly she yanked the wing as hard as she could. God, what is, what sadistic fucking 12 year old is writing this? Hey Dash, take that! Like rips half the fucking bone. You know, you know, I actually gotta say that's kind of brutal. I know we're talking about like a horse swing, but imagining someone like ripping off a half saw through a horse.

10:07:50arm or something. It's not even just physical torture. It's fucking mental agony as well. Hey, Dash! Hey, Dash! And then just immediately ripping the thing out. I mean, my God! What kind of fucking... That's rough. What kind of like fat little boy or girl was sitting down riding this and just like grinning ear to ear? What's the distinct... What future serial killer was riding this? It's what I want to know. Captain Sprinkles. Yeah, Sergeant fucking Sprinkles.

10:08:20it's it's actually captain sparkles the guy that made all the minecraft songs back in the day it's all connected yeah yeah as she's dancing you can hear the background so baby tonight the creepers the bones snapped but the skin held tight the pole ripped a long strip of flesh down dashes back to her rump the unexpected trauma caused her body to seize she felt the warm release between legs as her pelvis tensed up dashes loud unending melody of pain filled the room unable to catch her breath she blacked out she awoke with a gasp stench of her urine filled her mucus cake nostrils. Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ dude.

10:09:13Her urine filled her mucus cake.

10:09:22She's having

10:09:32It's such a deep, heavy description of a torture sequence. Get this child off, ask Jeeves immediately. What happens when you torture someone for four hours? Search. Imagine the school counselor sitting down with their parents over this. Speaker 3 00, dude, that's, I was, that's so funny. You read that up. I was thinking the exact same thing. You know, this little motherfucker went to school and printed this off out at the library and that, that, that definitely caught in the, what in God's name is this? Speaker 3 00, this is, I hate to say this out loud. This is actually better than just from how brutal the descriptions have been.

10:10:17Speaker 3 00, oh man. Speaker 3 00, yeah. Oh yeah. Swallowing she turned her attention to the small can on the tray She removed the lid revealing that it was filled with burning coals Sitting on top of the fire were several large nails Dash began to be like super hot like railroad nails I'm trying to see if she is legitimately going to like crucify this fucking horse right now That's what I'm wondering God Christ! So she like starts nailing the fucking legs in there.

10:10:54Dash began to panic again. Pinky picked up the can and walked over to Dash's left, carefully picking up a nail and grabbing a hammer. She positioned the spike at the seat. You might be right about the horse. About the horse crucifixion. Coming to the front again. Then she told her friend, In a few minutes, you won't be able to feel anything below your ribcage. Then you'll be able to stay awake to watch the harvest. Jesus Christ! My God! This is God! Dad started to cry again. Piggy pie. She trembled out. Yeah. I want to go home. Yeah. I can see you wanting to do that Jesus Oh my god She placed the discarded body parts into a bucket Keeping the last one for a bit longer Bagpipes She said placing the tube in her mouth And the organ in her armpit A spurt of acid hit her tongue Oh hey There's your cupcake Rainbow Dash

10:12:09The cupcake she ate earlier Getting blown out of her dissected stomach

10:12:21it's like that thing I've talked about before where it's like kids don't understand how heavy it's awesome. They're saying something into a story, but it's an entire story about just the heaviness. It's, it's unbelievable how gripped I am. And I hope to God that this child is locked up somewhere as a full-blown adult. It's going to be like the Rob Zombie remake of Halloween, where they're like i treated you good mikey and like michael myers is like this the kid who wrote this now is like a six foot seven super soldier they're like keeping it in his

10:12:52that's you your dating training yeah i just get thrown into a wall

10:13:03the viker left me some instructions for you and the keys to his house come on i'll make us some tea He rested one of his giant hands on my shoulder. I won't lie to you, Ben. I've got some queer things to tell you. I keep having gay sex with... I knew as soon as you said that word. I knew you were going to say something. I thought to myself, I better read the next line before he does something. I've got some queer things to tell you. You're horrible. I've got some queer things to tell you. I can make a man come in probably a minute and a half. Gross, gross, gross. This is a good story, Quint. You ever see that Nicolas Cage movie Gone in 60 Seconds?

10:13:44That's about me. Oh, Quint. No, this is miserable. I had my period last week. I'm trapped in his podcast. Ted, what are you talking about? I had my period last week, Ben.

10:14:01Ted, I don't think that makes much sense. I thought I was pregnant, but... Luckily, I got my period. I got a lot of things I got to tell you. Some weird witchcraft going on in the cemetery, Ben. I keep getting my period. It's not monthly. It's weekly.

10:14:27I keep sucking male ghost dick, Ben. No, no, no, no. The ghost of men are very happy in the cemetery for me, Ted. You got to quit. The number of people I see get mad. They're like, Isaiah is such a prude. Why would Isaiah let Hunter tell jokes? If I just let him tell these things, the show would get wiped. I suck their souls clean, Ben. See, it's like that. There's got to be some pushback to it somewhere. I've got to be. I'll have people at church ask about this show. And I'm like, I don't really want creep cast. What is that? The original Ghostbusters just head sucking ghost cock in the cemetery.

10:15:06No, no, it's not. It's not what it is. It's not what it is at all. It was funnier when it was the Chinese guy, but it was just less detailed.

10:15:21You're going to go to the afterlife with a smile on your face. The story is getting good. Sorry, go ahead.

10:15:33Did you at least laugh when I got my period? Because I thought that was fun. I'm not telling you. You're going to have to watch the recording back. To everyone who gets mad at me for quote unquote being a prude, this is what I'm holding off. I am the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dam, keeping the entire village from being flooded, okay? Everyone's like, oh, why is the Dutch boy standing next to that dam? Because the Dutch boy knows what it takes to save the town, okay? Ben, you can stick a finger in it if you want.

10:16:14put a finger in it Ben the classic Ted quote put a finger in a bin you're so gross your pinky's a wine cork okay alright just one pinky band please you go there's not just like a joke Just in all the nitty gritty I can see everything you're describing It's way too deep Right down to the knuckle No no no no no This was a good story Big old knuckles on you Like a half dollar Right there on your hand Ted can you just take me back to Stephen's house Oh yeah sure Ted didn't say any of this Ted was the nice old man who works in the garden I love how autistic that is Hey guys, Ted didn't say any of this, okay Alright, so just real quick, Ted didn't actually say that stuff, so don't even wait Don't give me that voice This is not canon Don't give me that voice If it's not canon that Ted is a second ghost cock and getting in the graveyard, then I don't want any part of it I'm gonna keep reading my asshole looks like a used catcher's glove man that's the last one and that's actually the last one because that's disgusting and for you and for you to and for you to honestly for you to let that happen i think that's gross for me to let that happen for me to let you talk i did everything in my power to keep you from talking and it was completely ineffective you just wait for me to get tired out and then you say it anyway everyone who talks about me holding back and being a prude or whatever what am i holding back he just says it it doesn't do anything him him hiding behind the headstone now is a lot more devious isn't it what are you doing back there i'm reading i'm no i'm reading i'm reading i'm reading you said that would be the last you don't want to see this back here ben no you you said you gave me your word and it was over here in the darkness in the cemetery.

10:18:29Get out of here, Ben. You don't want to see this. All right, come take a look. Do you want me to see it or not? I don't care what you do. Just make a move, honcho. All right, we're done. Go ahead.

10:18:46I got my period, Ben. Good. Good stuff.

10:18:54Ben, do you see a Tampax lying around here somewhere? Okay. That's actually, and that is it. That's the last of the bits. Go ahead. They would never let us leave. They wanted to take us back to where God only knew. And they'd done it to countless other people. How many people lost at sea is due to them. I let out an involuntary gasp as I finally manage. You know what? If I know anything about my boy Nathan. I know he's working up a scream.

10:19:30If I shot in the dark, if this man gets a noise out, it either is a scream or is working its way to a scream. He likes to talk to himself. He likes to scream out loud. That's what he likes to do. And run and get cold. I let out an involuntary gasp as I finally managed to take another step back and froze. See? Cold. My blood turned to ice in my veins. See? As the realization hit me, and I finally did scream.

10:20:05I finally did scream, because Diana's eyes weren't the only ones on me anymore. There were hundreds of eyes. Hungry eyes had occupied every seat in the room. I turned and ran. Ran for the exit as every person in their seats melted into the horrific shadowy figures that had chased, terrified us. that chased and terrified us ever since we'd come aboard. The whispering, laughter and screaming, which had plagued my nightmares was so loud in my ears. I felt as though my eardrums burst and began bleeding.

10:20:39I let out the shrillest.

10:20:53high pitched scream. It's a way to sit in tits. I let out the shrillest most high pitched scream I ever have in my life. My arms stretched. My arms stretched. My arms stretched. I kept crying. Hold on. I let out the shrill. Oh gosh. I let out the shrillest, most high-pitched scream I ever have in my life. My arm stretched out and reaching for the door to the hallway. So he's like full Scooby-Doo. He is literally doing the fucking Fred Flintstone yabba-dabba-doo and like running in place and dead sprinting off. If Nathan at this point ate an eight-foot-tall sub in one bite, I would not be surprised.

10:21:52I'm gonna ask you something do you think in this story do you think there is going to be a Scooby snack-esque item that gives him courage to stand his ground mmm isn't that what the whole thing they do with Scooby Doo they basically like they lace a one Scooby snack two yeah yeah yeah it's like I'm not going in there what if would you do it for two Scooby snacks yeah yeah so what about two okay like scoob like scoob I think you're right but I don't think it will be an item it will be like an emotional thing like he'll remember like the captains it might literally be a dog treat I don't know that'd be great then the doorbell rang again hey it's Jack let me in sounded like Jack still I didn't get up he would have a key wouldn't he why would he need me to let him in this continued for almost a full hour different people would ring the doorbell announce themselves and then disappear when I didn't respond that would be so fucking anxiety inducing could you imagine that oh my god just sitting there and it's like hey it's me open up especially if it goes through different like women children all kinds of stuff that idea of going on for an hour is so long too I mean, because you know that like that would be fucked.

10:23:21What's actually standing there is like a giant. In my head, it's like a cannibal creature you've ever seen, like a giant Wendigo beast. And it's just like, Hey, it's me, Jack. You know me, right? Let me, there's something, there's just something so threatening about somebody who is just like somebody just lying straight to your face. Hey, it's Jack open up. and it's clearly something pretending to be other people it's just so threatening it's such a simple way but it's such a good way to elicit fear what about that video I just sent you what if it was that one man one jar what is this oh yeah

10:24:07that's so fucking stupid I hate that I hate that this works so good for the story.

10:24:18Like the entity is flipping between all these like, oh, it's me, your mom. You know me, right? Or it's like, oh, it's me, Goku. It's me, shit Rob. And then immediately back to like, it's me, Paul from the fifth grade. Remember? We're friends. So it's turned into my entire family, an anime character and a boy I knew in fifth grade. What is this creature outside my door? The A hits me Goku and then knocking. It's so creepy. Yeah, there's a menace to it. Like, let me in. Also, Goku's so fucking wide in the door for me. He looks huge. I don't know why that got me the most. I was like, Jesus Christ.

10:25:09Oh gosh. Okay. Okay. Well, let's move into the next one here, which is every month of parade. That was pretty good. I also kept it together. I was about to start laughing, but I kept it together at the end when she was looking at the piece of paper and it's like, I'd done something bad and she's repeating the lines just in my head. It's like, there was a knock at the door. I look over and go. Yeah. Hey, what's up slugger? Hey, it's me. Goku. I'm going to take it right in my Nimbus cloud. It's me. Goku. Come on. Oh yeah. Well, I just kept that. It's funny. You said that too. Cause I just kept hearing that, the knocking.

10:25:50I got to find the dragon balls. Just a thought. Like you're four feet from the doors. You can see him clearly. And he's just like making eye contact, like, it's me, Goku.

10:26:06I'd love to see an edit of that. Instead of him saying it's Goku after that, it's him like doing the power up sounds like, ah, ah, he's behind the door, but then there's still the knocking it in there. So he's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, like that kind of thing. The power energy it's all muffled to the other side of the door but still there's the just the nice knock i love the idea of like normal people coming to this podcast because they're like oh they're covering horror stories and i'm really into literature i'll listen and then it's like

10:26:43hey it's me goku yeah dwayne shrugged either way it doesn't matter to me just let me know what he says before the rush starts playfully swatted one of the cooks in the belly before leaving let's go get that money that this would be you if you had to dispose of bodies for the mob you'd be like making that bread working at a bakery making that bread you'll see Paulina and Areola show up love that couple I think her name's Viola Viola or whatever the fuck her name is

10:27:280 7 ventre funny group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group i'll do group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group出去 group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group group It's a football game every day.

10:27:52All right, we're going to get out there, make some good plays, get some good. Let's get that money, make some people happy. Make that bread. To Hunter whistling, carrying bodies to the elevator.

10:28:11Hunter shoving a family of Ford to a metal coffin. After a while, I just started killing myself. I'm just beating people to death with a hammer. Watch out, boy, she'll chew you up. Oh, Ariola comes. She's a man-eater. Just irredeemable. Yeah, the worst. I'm an actual monster. Not even a hint of thought about what you're doing. You're like, I'd shove my mother in here if you'd tell me to at this pay. I know now what I must do. I must kill Jeffrey Woods in his reign of terror forever. If he is not killed, more lives will be lost. She just killed four people. I am much stronger now. I am unstoppable.

10:29:01Unkillable. Weapons are useless against me. Anyone who dares cross me, I will be the last thing they will ever see. I will kill Jeff the Killer. And no one can stop me. You know, I remember, we got to read it at some point. It's not on the docket tonight, but there's Jane the Killer versus Jeff the Killer story. And that part about like, I will stop him reminded me, there's a scene in it where the two of them are fighting and they're just like cutting each other to pieces and then both healing, literally Wolverine versus Creed. And the whole time Jeff's like, we're not so different, you and I.

10:29:49In this world only fools are heroes.

10:29:58In this world only fools are heroes. Okay.

10:30:19despite of everything you've done for them eventually they will hate you

10:30:40your hatred

10:30:45after 90 seconds the allotted time has been mentioned by the now dead doctor all right may 4th uh so that was the end of the tweets on may the 3rd ended with that video then may 4th he says to those of you asking i'm doing all right hiding in my room and waiting this out

10:31:11Sorry. I'm actually sorry. I just love the idea. It's just such a kid's perspective of the world. For those asking, I'm fine. I'm hiding out in my room.

10:31:33Oh, God.

10:31:37Sorry. It got me good. That actually got me. It was just a little thing. It's just a little thing. It's a get you, isn't it? It's like a paper cut. Okay. You're crying. I am. It got me good. And I hate to keep bringing back this, but I'm just picturing up there with, like, he has, like, ten empty Campbell's chunky soup cans. i can't go inside my room it's like a kid who's like if a ghost comes in i'll hide under the covers that's gonna help it's like if there's a fucking alien i better camp out my room he can't come up here my mom won't allow it

10:32:21i haven't heard any more knocking but i don't want to get anywhere near the front door to check after this he says this is not gonna help oh boy

10:32:42and don't worry I have a way to defend myself if worse comes to worse and it's a picture of like a fucking Civil War era baseball bat yeah you probably don't want to be coming up near here hey alien I'm gonna bop you real good in the head if you don't come here he's like fucking Tom and Jerry it's so perfect that right after you complain he acts like a 10 year old child and he's like don't worry guys so hold on would it work if it is like cause this is obviously kind of a kid's perspective or a teenager or whatever would it be fucking weird if it's like you own that shit and you're like also my parents are gone and I'm home alone I think it would make it more believable the juvenile shit you would be like oh my god and your parents are gone because then you can have the angle of somebody knocking and being like hey let us in it sounds like my mom but it's kind of off some uncanny shit and then instead of showing a baseball bat he's like I climbed in past my dad's nudie magazines I found his fucking gun box I'm going to try to figure out the code yeah how sick would that be i think he shoots himself in the thigh i'm bleeding out i think does campbell's chunky disinfect it's

10:34:07i keep i keep pouring clam chowder over the wound but it just gets more inflamed I haven't mentioned Campbell's junkie once. I'm too hooked in. I'm too, it feels, it feels too right. He solves every problem with Campbell's junkie. So audio listeners for this one, you are, you're missing out. It's just a picture. You're missing out on these, on these photos, man.

10:34:38Lord help me. Oh, I was trying. It was so funny because I was like, okay, Hunter needs to take the series. And I look at the next tweet. I'm like, well, that's going to do it. I'm memeing on it, but I will say the knocking and stuff. I think that it's still as like we're still so early on. It's just getting the giggle bug. I'm excited. My friend's here. Is that your coat? Yeah. Okay. That's why I'm so excited. Isaiah's in town. Yeah. All right. Okay.

10:35:13Some good news for once. Daniel's back. Before you all ask, he seems to be in his right mind. I need to get serious about securing my house. He then attaches a photo and says, it's primitive, I know, but it's a first step and apparently more reliable than my alarm system. Let me know if you all have any other ideas to keep my house secure. And he said, go ahead. Make your point. Go ahead. You describe what's in it. Nick, what do you think about this defense mechanism for his new alarm for his house?

10:35:45It may or may not be a pyramid of red solo cups. My boy definitely just did cup stacking at his school.

10:35:57Don't worry. If the giant clicking light comes in my room, I'll hear the cups fall. The red solo cups will fall, alerting me and giving me the perfect advantage. Go to the replies real quick. what's the lines on the floor to supplement then. Okay. So that one's being serious. Scroll down and just see the first guy you out here playing home alone. There we go. Boy, you'd never hear that over the screaming. He did a lot of home alone. When all this is over, man, come on. This isn't technically an alarm. That's funny. Yeah. That's what's about this being on Twitter. You could always see people being like, this is the dumbest.

10:36:36What are you doing? it's, oh and he has another way of security as well and there's he says i have another way of security attaches this photo he's got 10 games i mean he's like i'm i put i put another one on the other side of the door because i want to talk to it it's funny like because the point of like a audio alarm is so you have time to do something right get a weapon escape out a window but he can't do anything no so this just tells him he's about to die that's all an alarm system would do it's like hey you're about to be just wakes up from the red solo cups falling he just

10:37:22gulp so there's two days without any updates and then tucker says on june 5th just passed the virginia state line hoping my family will be okay they said his family's just like being sucked up to the sky. I hope you guys are right. I'm going to the West Coast. What? Bye. Also, two days, and he's just now getting past the Virginia line. How fucking long is it going to take you to get to the West Coast? It depends. He can't take any main roads because he said earlier, traffic, like there's a bunch of abandoned cars on him and stuff like that. It also seems like the gas stations aren't working. Yeah.

10:37:54I assume he's bringing a bunch of gas. Probably. I'd say. Cups full of gas. Cups. The whole bag is full of cups. Just stacked on top of each other. they're spilling everywhere every time it turns gas is getting low keeps falling out if only someone made a container to hold gasoline in and preferably red like my cups hopefully my family will be okay if I could have preference I would make them red perhaps with a black or yellow nozzle of some kind so I can see it in low light conditions like right now okay so then a few days later on the 29th sun vanish says as i expected the low fuel warning just dinged got my flashlight bat phone i'm on foot now i forgot his only means of defense was a bat yeah it was the photo of the bat a good chortling moment for me that was that was great and the cups that was his defense mechanism the cops which again a 15 year old further backed if you're if you're watching this episode right now on youtube won't you take time go get some cups stack it up against your door because that is the only way to watch this episode is to have cups stacked up against the door and then also you have to um you have to do it at night and pretend like the sun's not coming back exactly just like that now yep yeah take a picture at midnight and say it's 3 p.m yeah get a friend uh find their last known coordinates try to go there you just you've just summoned the midnight man you've just let the midnight man into your home i turned left again and knew i had gone the right way i burst into the room i had come from the room now empty no nurses or anyone in sight ran towards the glass wall where avery lay on the other side i'm coming i said softly knowing that he couldn't hear me i'm gonna just roll over that I put the gun down, not wanting to waste any bullets.

10:39:57I grabbed a chair, adrenaline coursing through me as I swanked at the wall.

10:40:08Oh, fuck! At the wall again and again, cracks forming each time I hit it. Each hit was fueled by emotions. I pushed down. This is for the lies I thought as I swung. This is for the pain I swore I paused panting This is for Avery I took a pile of glass The glass shattering around me

10:40:38I think my circumstances have finally begun to set in I've been living in a quiet apartment in New Mexico for over a year And I had no friends because I was a turtle boy I would go to work and then home without doing anything else except playing with cabbage and in my see there you go you're you're at it you're adding your own interpretations to it which is not the job of the narrator that's not the job of the narrator the narrator must be objective sorry i thought i read the i think i got it mixed up with it okay sometimes i would spend the entire weekend without saying a single word to anyone or seeing another person because i was on my back with my shell that's not that's not on there too i knew that if I didn't change something quick, a solitude would become the norm and that frightened me.

10:41:23Okay, so when you do your impression of me, it's gone from like a whimsical like choir leader to now just a clown, like a circus clown. I don't think that's true. Yeah, yeah. You're like past any closeness of it. Your hate is getting in the way of your accuracy. Can I actually try to do a legitimate impression of you? Because I have been working on it. My My consent in this doesn't matter So Well I won't do it if you don't want me to Go ahead Hey guys It's me

10:42:04The Bible Yay

10:42:14Is that

10:42:25I never noticed how much you sound like Gypsy Rose, which is just, you know, it's, you know, it's funny is I thought you were being legitimate. And then the moment I heard what decibel you were in, like what scale you were at. Yeah. It's like, I'd be curious. I need to know if you murdered your mom is your mom still with us yeah she's still alive on her what if i can take that on face value though from personally you maybe yeah yeah she's still alive on her

10:43:04that invitation you did just then was closer than your dedicated invitation yeah no that's to be fair that was i i lampooned a little bit but not very much a little bit okay i couldn't understand you you were so high it was audible to dogs well that's discord's fault and i have that issue with you all the time so mostly carrie seemed concerned with pain from her frostbite just as dr walsh was excusing himself she said something or shouted really that made my hair stand on end hear. hear. Sounds. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig. Rig.

10:43:59I'm going toил silenced. научimally! 這 Latinx DIY established Zeiten - The way that you read that I threw on probably I probably threw on 12 more rings there Then she fell silent I was sitting here like How many rings are there? I know I started counting here Like way Good god I was like I guarantee you this is more than eight then she fell silent i mean i was gonna make before you i was gonna make a comment about how haunting that is how great would this be if it ends and it's like anyway i didn't take my medicine today and it's like this whole thing was a delusion inside of an inside i'm not even joking i will i will punch a hole through my monitor and i'll I'll slip my wrist.

10:45:03If this, this ending in the, it was all a dream twist, I think would make this the greatest thing I've ever seen. And I swear to God, I'm not even joking. I don't know where this is going. If it ends that way, I'm, I'm done with this show. I am. I am done with the show. That's how that's, if that's how this ends, I'm done with the show. Oh, that's great. Cause then I get a hundred percent of the paycheck. Well, you know, make it, make it positive, making lemonade out of lemons all right yeah exactly i'll take it you know what deal he was insane it's taken him this long to figure it out he designed traps he knew what made people and animals tick he enjoyed inflicting pain on them not just that but watching them suffer it's like no shit we just read this it took him part set like for one the author's explaining it to us twice but also the like the idea that xander's just now like he's not in his right mind what okay so i'm in danger because i don't know if you guys know this this guy's crazy the yeah the guy who uh murdered someone as part of a game that he elected to do himself that guy is and not only is that but he also is like he like set traps and like he's kind of done that before it's like let's just keep reading let's just keep reading let's just push forward Isaiah we have so much more to go through and I'm so upset I'm so upset I hungered down in my seat and brought up a word document in my phone where I could take notes then I started googling you know what I'm talking about oh he's going to explain google he's going to explain why you use google I don't want to read anymore can we can we veto this can we beat can we stop can we absolutely not can we veto no well i think we're at three hours we're at three hours in our recording hours we have to we we are finishing the story hunter the side door silently opened in in walked david fucking king i stayed where i was behind a wooden crate stacked with pallets if he came in shooting i didn't want to be an easy target slow clapping oh god yes oh my gosh oh this is so great slow clapping filthy echoing room dude this entire story is like an alien watched airsoft fatty youtube videos and then wrote like a crime novel fuck you david hashtag fuck david king zander you brilliant bastard.

10:47:49Go get your girl. We're coming for you, David. Thousands of these. Almost all saying the same thing. How does it feel to have people rooting for you? You feel better equipped to fight me now? Where is she?

10:48:15Hold on. I got pushed by share out of the way we're oh i'm half standing for this this is too good this is art oh my gosh all right literally slow clapping into the room well done oh my gosh oh it'd be so funny if it was like david stepped in on a landmine and exploded the end sorry i don't have a guarantee that you won't release other information anyway. Come on out here and we'll discuss my terms. Like hell I am. David looked to his partner and his partner used his free arm to punch Katie in the side. She cried out. Boom!

10:49:03Boom! She cried out. This is literally like if this was in an anime or like a Batman comic, it would be too cheesy. Right? Like the level. She cried out as best she could through the duct tape and faltered, but the blonde man held her up by her neck. We can do this all night. Oh God. I stood up. My hiding place was off to David's left. So I walked in a semi-circle until I was directly in David's line of sight. Come closer. I stepped forward until we were a couple yards apart. Look how you've changed. Your hair looks good. You should always dye it darker. So stoic now. Confident. Being on the run has changed you.

10:49:52I guess all we had to do was increase the minimum required effort was go on the run, huh? I fucking hate my life. I hate my fucking life. I hate my fucking life. I hate my fucking life! I hate my life! Then maybe we could have avoided this whole mess. Then again, it's all been so fun. Let's get this over with. So hostile. What's your first term? He leaves. Okay. David shrugged. Before I could process what was happening.

10:50:28Bro, this story keeps getting better. This is the best thing I've ever read on the podcast. David shrugged. Before I could process what was happening, He pulled a handgun from his pocket and shot the blonde man in the head.

10:50:44It is beyond the realm of it. It is like Saturday morning cartoons on steroids. Once again, thank you. Reddit. You've helped me so much with your support, encouragement, and your unknowing aid and making this trap for David. I couldn't have done this without you. The last two years have been hell, but it's finally over. we ruined who hunter david fucking king let's go story over we did it oh man that might have been the greatest saying to ever grace my lips on this show um we appreciate you guys whoever was able to stick with this until the end who has ever who's listening to me say this right now I appreciate you as a listener, as an audience member.

10:51:38I am going to give this the award, my award at least, which Isaiah might have his own someday, but this for me is awarded the least enjoyable reading. Wait, Hunter, Hunter. and this is the first this is literally the first episode we've recorded in 2025 and i really hope it doesn't mark the year that's to come it's all i have to say wait hunter do you have a do you still have part eight pulled up yeah i do yeah i see series two and i'm never going to read that no click on it look hunter there's another seven part series all from the perspective of Clark? What? All from the perspective of Clark?

10:52:26Hunter, we can't lose this. Hunter, this is important. We can't let this happen. Whoa, Hunter! Thank you guys for listening on Spotify and ranking us on Spotify giving us a five-star rating. Thank you guys for also listening on Apple Podcast as well. We appreciate you. I dared my best friend to end my life part one. Thank you guys so much for sticking with us. I'm sorry. it i'm very very very very sorry hunter it says this is clark can forgive us and it opens it says this is clark and xander's best friend fantastic rest he says i hope you'll remember me help us from i wish i was there he says i'm here and he says i'm here because xander is missing hunter there's another eight-part series and it starts with xander missing we can't pass that up what will the people think they'll be so sad that was great i loved it i hope you all loved it too thank you bye i think it looks pretty cool and when i tried it on the attendant said it suits me fine i said thanks to be polite common courtesy is so hard to find oh god dude fuck off this is like some serious like common courtesy is so hard to find i bought a black hoodie what's this david king it's the david king voice david king yeah common courtesy is so hard to find can you read this next one in the voice.

10:53:50The next paragraph. So I bought it. I haven't taken it off yet. Not only is it war, but I can really see myself doing amazing things in it. What is that? What do you mean? What do you mean? When I look in the mirror, I smirk. I feel amazing. When I look in the mirror, he just does. Not bad. Not bad. I hugged her. She had it worn a jacket. just the sweat she probably slept in during the winter she stood stiffly as i rubbed her she stood stiffly as i rubbed her back in arms in an effort to warm her up i figured she was nervous about what i'd tell her but was still disappointed she hadn't greeted me more enthusiastically this guy's insufferable this he's becoming my red pill hero honestly he is he's getting more like what's why is she not into me what's her problem what's kind of weird is i'm almost picturing she goes up she's like cold you know shivering knocks on the door and opening up and it's just david king standing right in the doorway hello sweet kitten it's been some time since i've seen you isn't it come here and warm yourself in my big strong arms they're still on the porch it's still snowing she's freezing like yeah she's like can i come in so the duff my sweet little princess but first your head you know it gets down on her knee and kisses it he's like you are like i see i see you haven't used the vanilla scented shampoo today we'll have to fix that yeah don't worry i got you cosmic brownie body soap very excited I was suddenly very stressed very tired and very drunk when the alarm went off at 6am took everything I had to pull myself out of bed I got dressed in the clothes I wore the night before and shuffled my way across campus to the atrium Alice was already there with a black coffee in hand I figure you need this what the what she laughed I figure you need this Where did that voice come from?

10:56:04What is this performance you're putting on here? I figured you need this. Because I know it's going to sound weird, but I tried doing the girl voice. I figure you need this. Just say, I figured you need this. It says she laughed. Okay. When have you ever put that much emphasis on a laugh mid-sentence? Okay. I figure you need this. How'd you know? Your text. I texted you last night. Yeah. At about one. You're talking about Sigma Chi. Sigma Chi. You're talking about Sigma Chi. It's not Sigma. Oh, God, yeah. Sigma Chi, I'm pretty sure. Oh, God, yeah.

10:56:50You're talking about Sigma Chi. This little mouse. Did you say Chi? Sigma Chi. You're talking about Sigma Chi. It's so close to the left. I can't read it. He's like a human spider. He's like, Oh, God. Yeah.

10:57:11Oh, God. Yeah.

10:57:18I pushed my sunglasses up my nose. I pulled my nose. He slinged all the way into the laptop. waiting for the next line to come i have to be prepared i'm a professional this is my life now with this fucking laptop now come on harrison it's time i then heard footsteps behind me and just before the world faded back into darkness again i finally remembered where i'd seen doug before he was the man in the painting in the chapel at camp oakwood uh-oh part five oh oh Doug looks like. Yeah. Sure. You know, right? Yeah. And remember, remember Doug was like, Hey, don't trust anybody that looks like him.

10:58:06The painting is like, got it. If I see anyone that looks like this highly specific painting, I remember I'll let you, you'll be the first to know. I saw it one time before I took a shit and a piss. When I first got to the place in a dimly lit room, I remember as clear as day, Doug. Thanks. Okay, Doug. I'll never look at a painting again. I hate paintings now. Death with art, Doug. I'll never, I'll look at it. Okay, my dad, I think it wants to kill me, but I'm not sure, Doug. Yeah, my dad basically said that I was dead and he was really tired. He went back to bed. It was awesome. I'll be completely honest, Doug.

10:58:42I'm so scared right now. Doug, you're goofy. You're goofy for real. It's funny to imagine. He's just like, everyone walks up to him. He's like, hi, I'm so scared. I keep forgetting things because I'm so scared. It's like the protagonist from The Abandoned Ship. Like every situation he gets in, he like shivers and throws up and runs. All right. That was the end of part four. We're on to our final part. Final part, part five. And let's see the interesting conclusion to Camp Oakwood. I woke in a dimly lit room. The back of my head was aching terribly. When I attempted to touch it, I discovered that I couldn't move my arms.

10:59:26I looked over and found that my arms were tied up. I then looked down and found my legs were tied up, too. They were tied up so that I was lying on my back, spread eagle on whatever I was on. Uh-oh.

10:59:40No, please! Kill me!

10:59:45Shoot me in the head, please! Anything in the whole game, just kill me! Kill me!

10:59:53I'll do Literally anything else You were talking about carving me with a knife That's awesome I'm going to hold my breath till I die I'm going to hold my breath till I die

11:00:11I'm going to hold my breath till I die I'm going to hold my breath till I die

11:00:20That's such a child childish way to kill yourself. It's like a five-year-old stretch. Well, yeah. They walk in, they're like, what's wrong with him? Well, he's passed out seven times from trying to hold his breath until he died. They're like, spit all over him. I'm going to hold my breath until I die. He keeps waking up and trying to do it again. It's really sickening.

11:00:52I'm gonna hold my breath Like he's so scared He's reverting to like Childhood strategy What's wrong Marcus? Toria asked You're absolutely pale Are you frightened? The light from the cell phone I dropped reflected back into my face Even with this light in my eyes I could still make out the horrid figure looming before me Did you say You're God? You worship that thing?

11:01:27The Looney Tunes lead in was unnecessary. What, man? That's how it's read. No, it's not. That's not in there anywhere.

11:01:40That's how I be. If I saw a giant satanic statue, I'd do, oh my God! I'd do, hi.

11:01:53let's get out of here and i'd run off but i'd run in place for three seconds and i'd run off it's what would happen this story is not that bad how actually how much better would it be if it was seriously like jesus christ be a pretty good read honestly all right sorry go ahead flawless love it what's up it doesn't deserve it yet I will unironically say this is my favorite story so whatever the next scene showed George on a cliff from the same lake John committed suicide he was about to commit suicide too I thought he was going to jump off the cliff but instead he pulled out a gun and shot himself I'm surprised a lot of restraint to not say the specific model of gun as he has done twice I like how the specific a gun is extremely important.

11:02:49What's funny about it is the way they ride it in 1911 and 1887 is the same way those guns are written in Call of Duty. Are they really? Yeah. No one says in 1911. They just say 1911 unless you play Cod Zombies where it says in 1911. It's military terms. You don't get it. I love black ops. I love black ops so much. My dad's a truck driver.

11:03:20It feels pretty irrelevant. Yeah, I understand. He doesn't talk to me that much. He's on the road a lot. He's not over a lot. But instead, he pulled out a gun and shot himself. Very anticlimactic. Yeah. Boring. Boring. I'm bored. At the end of the scene, the camera zoomed into the gun, and the gun was the same one Paul used to commit suicide. And on the side, it said, It takes two boards to kill two Beatles.

11:03:52It's since chills down my spine. I mean guns can't.

11:04:04I mean, let's be real here. I mean, think about it. I'll put up. You guys can't talk. This is fucking strange. Look, Hitler, Satan. I can get behind. Hitler was in the vomit. All of a sudden, guns are speaking. This is freaky stuff. The way it's free. I'm fucking horrified. I mean, guns can't talk. I mean, for fuck's sakes, people, think about it. Like, I'm pleading with you, Reed, dear reader. Well, someone fucking just take a second to think about this. this is creepy fucking stuff here. I challenge you, think of one instance in your life. I only think of one time you've ever talked to a gun.

11:04:45Not even. I tell you, it's probably no times.

11:04:51The next scene showed Ringo in the hospital, dying of an unknown disease. He gives Ringo cancer. A little kid being like, and Ringo has total aid cancer. and his gun talks to him. I mean, think about that. So now that he opened, he's like, I'm 14. I think he aged himself up. Yeah. The author's like 10, 11. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It definitely feels like this is like a 12-year-old. He's like, so trust me, I'm 14. Yeah. So you can respect what I have to say. My teacher said I'm at a 14-year-old reading level. Yeah. Then the scene faded while the ending music played. After about a minute, another shot faded in.

11:05:34it appeared to be in a dark hall all i hear was screams whistles yelling and gunshots i soon found out that the hall was in a prison the scary part was that every time the lamp swings in the hall a black hooded figure appeared it wasn't long until i found out it was john with gray skin and red iris for a brief second i thought he resembled trademark webcomic character car cat Vontas. There's no way who trademark web comment character. I am, I am immediately looking up who car cat Vontas is by the way. This is like in that one story where it's like, if you play destiny, you would know. Hold on.

11:06:19Are you fucking kidding me? This This is what car cast. It's a homestuck character. Car cast Vontas looks like this. No, no. Do you know Homestuck? No. That was a huge Tumblr series where it's like everyone wrote their own characters and OCs and like it was this big fan fiction where they talk to each other. That explains so much about what I'm reading right now.

11:06:52car car cat vantas huh dude straight up straight up this being written by like a homestuck person makes so much sense um and that's also the author's depiction of like the devil like that's what the grim reaper looks like big and scary he shouted i hope you enjoyed your life because my life is over including my friends all because of me john all because of me john lennon of the beatles the infamous john lennon of beatles from liverpool imagine yeah imagine all the car cars right behind him you know you know our because i know those seven sisters, like our audience, there's some weird people out there.

11:07:47And I know a bunch of them were familiar with Homestuck. When I said contact vantans, that had to be like a sleeper cell activation. Yeah, exactly. They're going to try to fucking kill somebody. Like grab a gun. Must kill the prime minister. Surge of women murderers across the United States. Click, click, click. In the crowd, I could make out several people in grotesque Beatles cartoon designs. John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, and Archduke Franz... Literally everyone who has been assassinated. Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria. Literally everyone who has been shot. By the way. What are the chances that Mark David Chapman comes up?

11:08:37The guy that killed John Lennon. Where are the chances? It has to. It has to, right? It has to. The really weird part was that the prisoner that was right next to John was marked in...

11:09:02You are inside his brain. Oh, yes. I hit three for three on the stereotype. Is this one of your stories that you wrote when you were younger? No. No. Okay. Because that was a pull. No. That was a bear trap and a half. Well, I mean, it's everyone getting assassinated. And earlier when they were dying, I'm like, he's the guy that shot John. Yeah, he has to be in here somewhere. He has to. Sure enough. Oh, man. I look closely at the bottom of the word because, And I paused to see that the episode was actually called The Beatles Cartoon because of John, their dad.

11:09:46I was about to take the tape out until the VCR caught on fire. Oh!

11:10:00imagine i got my grieving mom in a fire extinguisher we put out the fire and discovered that somehow the vcr was still okay because we put in more tapes in and they managed to work but the only thing that was destroyed by the fire was the tape and it was the tape that started the fire why would why do you need the pcr to work why write that at all my disappointed mother and i went back to the collector what's with his mom she's going through it though good lord get this one some happy pills for love of god maybe maybe the author is just so used to a disappointed mother who doesn't know how else to ride her listen bob you're gonna be disappointed Okay My disappointed mother This close I could smell his cologne His face freshly shaved He was a good looking man Tall and dark with broad shoulders I'd always looked up to him and admired his physicality Yeah dad I'll be good So I'm not gonna say anything yet Cause like any other story I wouldn't give that a second thought But just because Well he's just a giant neon sign at the beginning of the story.

11:11:20We had multiple stories like, wee, wee, wee. Yeah. Jay turned and took his plate, slowly walking it over to stand in front of my dad. My father looked him over, shaking his head, his mouth twisting into a grimace. I didn't raise a pig, but if you insist on being one, you're going to eat like one. This is rough. This is just... Is it even a horror story? This is just sad. Hey, thanks for inviting me out on her. Great time. Thank God we're back in person reading this, huh? Harry's like, guys, I know a great story. This will be a good kick off. Dude, honestly, this is gonna, the whole, everyone's gonna love it.

11:11:59This one it'll kill zero notes. So scraping globs of spaghetti into the trash. I heard my father say, Jay, can you go around to the back of the house and get me a brick? don't like that don't like anything while he's looking at his wife there too my mom

11:12:24what for pops gee dad what is it Jay can you get me a frying pan go to my study and get the katana Jay can you go to my study and get the keyblade What do you want the keyblade for, Dad? And get me Mickey's shield. What the fuck is it? I was really into Kingdom Hearts. I was kid, Warp, Paraphernalia. Fuck it. Get me Goofy's boots as well. Dad? What are you talking about?

11:13:07turns into a violent torture porn kingdom hearts kingdom hearts fan fiction where did you even get kingdom it was just up there somewhere and you just grabbed it as it went by i don't know okay i don't know i heard my brother get up and open the side door to the house the hinges creaking in their familiar way henry what's wrong heard my mom asked in a hushed voice Even as I sponged up the mess, I could hear the fear in her voice. My dad didn't respond. I finished wiping sauce from the floor just as Jay shuffled back into the house. He held a brick in his hands, dirt staining his fingers. Cast down eyes, he brought it to my father, placed it on the table next to him.

11:13:49My dad turned to the both of us, his voice cold steel. Now both of you go to your room for the night. I'm going to fuck your mother.

11:14:02Hey, where's Harry? Get him in here. I'm going to fuck your mother. What's he doing with that brick? Where, where is Harry? What's he doing with that brick? Hold on. This me and your mom were playing Bob the builder. Okay. Can he fix it? We need, we need to, why do you call mom's vagina? The chimney? No, bad, bad. You're not, you don't, don't double this is not funny this is not cute this is very bad and not good we closed the door to our bedroom and stared at each other we could hear our dad yelling loudly in the kitchen his voice rising jay covered his ears and ran to his bed collapsing into his pillow i went to him and put a hand on his back as he cried sobs muffled in the cotton then i heard my mom start to scream i felt tears spill from Speaker 3 06 It's like a, it's such an unnecessary amount of description of like the weeping and just the, like it's excessive, extremely excessive.

11:15:08Again, Harry, that's a good one. Start with that one on the docket before we're done recording. He needs to come stand in here. He's going to have to, he's going to have to have something. but he's going to have to pay for his crimes. We've got to put him on trial. My father was against the back wall, clutching aside and howling as blood bubbled from his shirt. Jay stood next to him, weeping, screaming, his right arm soaked with blood up to his elbow. He was holding a rusty box cutter. It's blade dripping. Don't hurt Tommy.

11:15:42Don't hurt Tommy! There you go. I like how I just... don't do that you're dead mad man sorry dad but all in all i just uh hair actually you know what harry harry come over what was the justification for reading come over was it just because it was an alias with a row piece no hold on get up here let him use your mic yeah that's what i'm gonna look at this walk of shame coming in here we were supposed to we were supposed to we were supposed to read shell silverstein's where those sidewalk ends and earlier i'm like how about this one you're like that's a good one so what about this story made you well hold on in my defense i i did make the list although you pick this story from the top of the list so it was isaiah who's who's a real choice so it was isaiah no no no no my mic now he he had a list of six stories all of which we're reading during this trip and he goes which should we do first oh i see and i'm like oh we'll start with Elias.

11:16:43This was on a list of six that he compiled. That part is true. I will, that part is true. This is the first time in podcast history where the producer has to defend himself. Like, what are you talking about? I just want to say that, can we confirm that you did pick it from the top? It was my list. My botched list, but you did pick it from the top. Was it a blind fire because it was Elias Withrow? Was it a blind fire? So wait, can I? Let me explain. At the beginning, he said, I also wonder what happened to the heart. He's so hot right now. Can I at least, I was not here. I'm hot because you're like, Isaiah did this.

11:17:23Okay, for the record, looking at the camera, Isaiah did not do this. Can I at least get the line read? Because part of the whole reason I picked this story is because I wanted to hear the quintessential line. I'm going to fuck your mom. I wasn't here when that... I was doing chores. Wait, so you didn't read that part? No, I did. No, I didn't. Oh, you want me to read it out loud? He's saying he picked the story so that there would be a soundbite I thought it'd be funny. I thought it'd be funny. You know what? I think you put us in a little bit of rough pumpkins. I think people are going to be upset.

11:18:05I think that is an absurd reason. Okay, well, this one won't come out for a while, so there's that. Yeah, it's fucked up, but by the time this comes out, we're going to be like, oh, fuck, I forgot about that one. Well, there's your story. Sorry, guys. Thanks for the, hey, seriously, I hope none of you guys fucking. Thanks, Harry. Hope none of you guys get fucking razor wire on your fucking dicking balls and your fucking, hey, by the way, also, I'm going to fuck your mom tonight with this fucking rusty shovel. All right, bye. Is that it? That's good, I think. That's it. It appears you actually believe a woman and a drug addict could single-handedly dismantle a business this size, so you must be fucking stupid.

11:18:51And that makes me feel sorry for you. So why don't you just hand over the gun and go back to the ghetto you crawled out of? I push myself to my knees. No. I told him. Well, I like how you read it, too. No. That'd piss me off if I was the dad to him. I'd be like, what? no and you know what given some of the story's decisions lately i'm not changing it that's the reading we're going with no are you dog shit insane son you broke into my house destroyed pictures of my daughter and beat up my wife you're lucky you're still alive i've killed children for less

11:19:34we're so close okay gotta keep it together just gotta keep it together i feel like i just like opened a baby diaper. Like the grossness? There's been like a faint smell brewing and you're just like, all of a sudden you're like... And looking at him now, I didn't doubt it. You need to die. Then by all means, take your shot. The sheriff swept out his arms mockingly. We know you only have one round or two left because yesterday we heard you had 15 shots into some fucking trees. His deputies laughed, but the sheriff remained sober. Just remember, boy, you ain't better to be true because when you come with the king you better not miss god

11:20:20okay we're gonna we're gonna get through this we're gonna make it through this me and you i'm i'm holding back we're close we're very close we're very close uh because of those girls things they said you did exactly i was making money they were getting laid they were 14 14 is older than you think sam and it's not like i touched them so this is what i wore a suit just listen here just listen is this not comical no listen to this line so this is what you wanted all along a great big rape

11:21:19what have i become This sweet one all along, a great big rape empire. My sweetest friend. Yeah. And you could have it all. Literally, I feel like I want to look up at. My empire of rape. The book of Borowski sitting there. It's like just burning. Yeah, exactly. My empire of rape. I will let you down. I will make you rape.

11:21:55What the hell is this? This organization. So this is what you wanted all along. A great big rape empire. Hold on. I can't be expected to read that correctly. There's no way. All right. The sheriff. The sheriff shrugged. If that's what it takes, I'm only here for the power and the women. I'm an alpha, Sam. Whoa. I'm done. I'm done.

11:22:35What the fuck? I'm an alpha? What? At what point was that what this was about? Boo!

11:22:49What are we doing?

11:22:54I'm an alpha? I rape myself Today Today To see if I could rape To see if I'd still come God Good God This Oh, I can't I gotta sit down It's still work Give me more credit I'm stronger than you think. Strong enough to take a bolt to the head and lift through it. Should we just like ham it up from here on in? I don't know how I could possibly take this seriously anymore. I say ham. Go full ham. I literally think after the alpha line, I just don't see how you could ever. All right, so we're cartoon mode. All right, got it. All right. Give me more credit. I'm stronger than you think. Dude, you sound like Shinji.

11:23:46Yeah. That's impressive. Pretty good. That's fucked up. That was a really great Shinji impression. Who's Shinji? The main kid from Evangelion. Oh.

11:24:00It sounds like that. Strong enough to take a bolt to the head and lift through it. Are you? Sheriff expression darkened. Sam, you. Oi, boss. Look what I caught looking around. I mean, it says, Oi, boss. It is written like, Hey, boss, I caught something lurking around the forest over here.

11:24:30Are we getting punked? Did we click like a joke link or something? I just want to put the preface up again. Can I preface really quick? Yeah. Behind them in the snow is hundreds of women and children being raped in a factory manner. And a meat grinder when they're done with them. And a meat grinder killing people. Yeah. And then they are outside smoking stogies acting like they're vaudeville, like cartoon villains.

11:25:03Okay. I heard you turned into a looker, but I'd yet to confirm it for myself. Hello again, sweetheart. Sheriff walked over to Kimber Ran his fingers along the side of her face She recoiled at his touch Don't you touch her I screamed and screamed

11:25:25That's fucked That actually made me so uncomfortable Don't you touch her You would fucking kill working for Crunchyroll, dude If you weren't for Funimation or Crunchyroll You would fucking kill If there's somebody out there making an anime You gotta get this motherfucker in I screamed and scrambled to my feet Greg shoved the barrel of his gun Into the back of my head Sit the fuck down Watch your tempest Sammy You fucking this wild filly That's my boy I can't Every other sentence gets worse You fucking this wild filly That's my boy At least I don't know you didn't Turn into a homo in prison

11:26:20There's no way

11:26:29You know what your problem is Sam You're not mad enough to take what you want You're not strong enough to say Fuck what's polite Fuck the consequences Fuck the law You're a cop

11:26:49You're a cop

11:26:53See? Now there's a bit of spirit That's his rebuttal to that You're a cop See? Now there's some spirit I have help Look around you Sammy He gestured to the 14 men standing in a half circle around me I'm assaulted These are my governors And this is my harem Kill yourself

11:27:18I'm starting to think you're not gonna come around Sam Oh my god This is also going on so long Oh my gosh This is going on so long There's three whole chapters After we get that with this one That's insane I'll never be a part of this I will never stop trying to kill you Well I'm really sorry to hear that That's a pity Looks like you're gonna have to be broken like a horse Kinda wish you'd left the star girl alive now Kill yourself He can't say fuck you Kill yourself You say another fucking word like that To me and I'm gonna execute you Right here on your fucking knees The sheriff's men Seemed to lean in smelling blood in the water I knew this was it If you wanna be dead you would have already shot me are you sure about that Sheriff asked and leveled his gun on my forehead why don't you pull that gun on me and find out oh I'm sure about that you need me through the sea of your bullshit I see the truth it's a pride thing you want your son taking over your business you want another walker in charge he's on Connor from Love on the Spectrum he does it yeah doesn't it I've got to make this a little bit enjoyable somehow I've got to figure it out The sheriff's mouth spread into a wide smile But he didn't lower his gun I can make another son You could But you want me You want to break me You want You want to mold me into you Because that way You win Oh, I've already won, Sam.

11:29:04No, I have. You're a slave to your... This is insane! You're a slave to your own hubris.

11:29:20You're a slave to your own hubris. God, I just wish you would have just kept reading the Sun. I knew I was going into shock. I pulled my hands away from my jacket and saw that they were covered in thick warm blood. The laughing died immediately and the sheriff took a step in my direction. What in the hell? Kill yourself. It works. It works. It does. Just to think you're on the floor. I really hope they edit you with like a white button up and jeans or whatever. I'm just bleeding out. Yeah. There's blood poured out. Kill yourself. Just shingy on the ground. Kill yourself. I hate you dad I hate you dad kill yourself for real by the time he put it all together and looked over at her Kimber was already standing where they left her discarded in the snow she was staring at the sheriff down the sides of the Beretta and before anyone could react Kimber squeezed the trigger and killed her monster so Kimber shot his dad in the head and I don't even care that's so cool imagine if that would have happened three chapters ago and not during this whole escapade Imagine if I didn't have to read that stupid Diatribe for that long It's your hubris dad You're a victim of your hubris I'm a human being talking to my dad You're a victim of your hubris dad I live in 1574 Kill yourself That's Shakespeare You're a victim of your own hubris Kill yourself That's the plot of Hamlet I'm pretty sure You're a dick, Sant Walker So what did it have in it?

11:30:59It was a care package from Seth. He sent me video cameras. Why? For what? Remember the night I disappeared with the car for several... Why would he not just tell her that? This is so stupid. Remember the night I disappeared with the car for... I don't know. Okay, it doesn't matter. Remember the night I disappeared with the car for several hours? Yes. I used the directions Jimmy Prescott gave me to find Boroska 2. They called Boroska 2.

11:31:26Oh, gosh. Emphasis on was. Kimber smiled. I couldn't fault her for being happy he was dead. And even though he was my father, I was too. So they didn't tell you anything, huh? The only thing they would tell me is that you were alive and that's only because I started throwing cutlery at them. I laughed.

11:31:46Well, Jesus Christ. That's the scariest thing from today. Holy shit. Goddamn. shinji after he fucking destroys all of mankind i think i'm still depressed but it's okay i don't know where that came from i'm so mad the bowels of hell i'm actually so mad it's funny just with this whole story so for days which means if he has been sedated for all this time like jimmy said he might not be anymore camera coughed at her hands but it sounded more like a suppressed sob I put my arm around her are you okay

11:32:37kill me god

11:32:45you know this is our job like being here right now this is our career path Oh, fuck. What did I do? Oh, God.

11:32:58Me, setting in your floor.

11:33:03Me, she began shaking her head. I can't. I just can't, Sam. I walked over and gave Kimber a hug. It's okay. It's going to be fine.

11:33:18like she's walking around with sonic the hedgehog like overly happy yeah two two-dimensional anime character yes that's i've never heard the born from science one i don't think but i do remember there being a bunch of like different jane the killer stories but i don't remember that specific the born from science thing. But she had liquid hate. She had perfect blood. She had perfect blood. Well, honestly, I don't know if the ripoff, trading on the good name of Jane the Killer. I don't know if it was any better. Hey, what the hell? Hey, you can't go messing with this. This is the original text. Guys, thank you so much for watching today.

11:33:58That killed me. Can we read, even if it's for Patreon, can we at some point read Jane versus Jeff?

11:34:12please let me have this just I think you're different you and I

11:34:30thanks for audio listeners on Spotify and Apple podcast thank you for our patrons uh we have some extra content over there. Feel free to come over. We're streaming games and we're... Cruel to heroes. We're... We'll see you next time.

11:34:52You think this is a game?

11:34:58You think this is a game? I remember this one. I'm leaving.