From Homeless to ... Here with Brett Swayn

26:36You're in Austin at this point? No, now I'm in, where am I? I'm in Nashville. this is a long stretch but wait no we can't skip austin okay don't do that okay okay but it's uh you left to do a guide okay you'd be the guides here table that story table that so you you get to austin yeah and you guys are you're playing like on six doing cover yeah shows and slipping

26:59Jon McLaughlin:in the originals that too so that's the plan now yeah like you're like austin is about live music let's go live and we'll is that all is that all you're doing yeah you're just playing shows at night yeah and then doing the same thing i did in europe i just get in my room and write right right right right geez yeah and so you do that for how many years golly seven eight something like i can't remember i've gotten gray listen you're the gandalf um is there any point while you're doing that that you're like is the australian in you like yeah i could do this this could i'm no i could play music yeah for a living well here in austin no the the dream was always um and i didn't realize but the dream was always the commander of the ship which was you'll be loved you'll be heard you can buy your mom that facelift she wants if i can just make it i'll be i will be complete if i can just make it i will feel like someone I made a legacy and my life was worth it yeah and making it was being signed to a label right doing that whole thing right which in Austin is tricky because there's some stuff down there at that point but not like LA or Nashville or New York yeah I didn't all that mattered was the dream yeah the dream it didn't even have to be based in any reality that's why it's a dream many of them aren't yeah it's just that was the commander of the ship and and I didn't realize how much it consumed me.

28:33It was all I thought about, all I dreamed about, all I talked about. Wow. So why did you leave Austin? What gets you to Nashville? So we got playing for a long time and people started coming up and seeing some response to the original music. Not much. Nothing like you, sir. Nothing. Not much. But it was happening and then some... I remember thinking, You know, the friends that we're gathering, nice people, but everything just felt so surreal. And it was very dark. But I didn't have vocabulary for what dark was because I didn't know what light was yet. It just felt very consuming and very always nighttime.

29:21It was always nighttime in the soul and in the living. So I remember this girl one day came up to me who had been hearing about the band and she was in Dallas and she said, after a while of talking and seeing us several times, she said, you know, if you really want to pursue that dream, you're going to have to become legal here. And I went, oh, yeah, I guess. That sounds right. She said, I'll marry you. And it's just be a business thing. But that way you can get your green card. Are you serious? And I should have taken the warning because a friend of mine and put me in the lottery, and I actually won the lottery to stay in America.

30:02Wow. The whole time that this was happening, and I'm leaving a lot out. But it was$2 ,000 to get a lawyer, and I didn't have$2 ,000. So I opted for option A or B, whichever way. And that's what nearly killed me. So you got married. Yes. But that's a term that I still don't know how to. I mean, I want to speak light to everything. But it was very broken. No Jesus. It was hell. And it nearly killed me. And this was here in Nashville that this happened? No, this was in Dallas, Texas. I met her in Austin. Okay. She lived in Dallas. There's so much, you know, in life that I have to leave out. But, yeah, I eventually moved to Dallas to be with her because, yeah, that seemed the right thing to do.

30:55and at some point, I thought, oh, whoops, I'm married. Am I supposed to act like this is real? And I decided, oh, yeah, I'm supposed to. And I won't even say act. In the beginning, it started like that. We've got to make this look. And then it became, wait a minute, I'm actually getting married. Maybe I'm supposed to. Yeah, I should really try and make this work.

31:18And, yeah, it's too much to tell. It's really too much. So how long are you in Dallas? At that point, I think it was about seven years. again seven years in Dallas yeah I think so I'm gonna have to look go back and look at time I

31:30Jon McLaughlin:wasn't prepared for this so then does it does it all work out you become a legal citizen yeah oh my gosh there's too much um we were both very broken people uh with shots and uh um it was a very very broken relationship and we actually had a little girl and this is hard for me to talk about because this is uh i still haven't fully known how to process it but um i love that little girl yeah with everything and one day as per usual we were having a very bad argument at someone's house and something happened that really broke me. A door, the little girl was reaching for me, my little daughter was reaching for me, and she got taken away from me, and the door shut, and something inside me broke, and I went, I'm going to get you for that.

32:35And who I was, did, but in the process destroyed myself, like hate often does. I've found that love shapes us, but unforgiveness and hate shapes us just as easily if we allow it. Man. Yeah. So what happens next? So I'm in Dallas. And I decide we started a different band and it's all originals. And we're going to different places, Waco and playing just all originals now. And things are beginning to build up. but the marriage if you can call it that and in some ways I guess it was it was just completely shredded apart but there's a little girl in the mix and there's just darkness because there is no light at least it wasn't for me and then when this happened I decided okay you have pulled the most important thing away from me in vindiction and i'm not okay with that so i decide to okay i'm gonna get this person back and i and i i did in a way that betrayed myself yeah i uh i betrayed myself because i my father left when i was five and he had an affair and it destroyed our family and i didn't understand what was happening but i knew i just didn't want to become like that that's exactly what i did to get you back and it was in stages too because there was part of me still in in control that was going i never want to be that i never want to be that oh that's the most painful thing i can do to a person oh i'm gonna do that i'm gonna do that and it was betraying myself so when i finally had an affair and i walked i remember walking back into the bedroom and seeing my little girl and um

34:46my ex i don't know how else to say and i came to this horror of oh no i can't take it back I can't take it back and then the hatred of self came where I couldn't even see my reflection in a shop window I couldn't stand myself in a mirror I I betrayed everything betrayed everything and I couldn't take it back and one morning I woke up with this unction because I felt like a car that I had the steering wheel in my hands but I had left the road and I was in the air and I knew it was coming I knew the hit was coming and it was going to be devastating and it's kind of like being on a roller coaster and screaming no, no, no, no, no but you don't get out of the car as it's going on no, no so sorry for the drama it just felt like that I'm giving you my misery in this day no, that's great and I like to

35:53Jon McLaughlin:so then yes around this time you find yourself in nashville no i was still in dallas texas in flower mound area and uh i just this this the sense that it was coming this hit was coming and i woke up one morning with this unction to go find the bible in the house now i'm already dying no one can see it you're still you're still with uh your wife and daughter yeah okay you haven't no no no nothing's come out yet okay oh oh oh nothing's coming oh i gotcha okay nothing's coming i did it and then was too cowardly to say i did it jeez once two i didn't want to have done it yeah i couldn't believe i did it yeah please just go away yeah yeah make it like it never happened yeah both things were at because you felt you knew it was gonna like yeah you in the car in the air yeah yeah it's got to land at some point and you know this is a hard tell because when you hear later give glory to god because this is the reality of the mud putting it back on and i don't want to put it i don't want to tell that again yeah um but anyway so this is this is the reality of the story so i wake up one morning and i go look in the house we find this bible now here's the crazy bit see i didn't grow up in church i opened this thing up i don't know about NIV, KGV.

37:12I don't know anything. I'm just looking at this Bible and I don't know about black letter or red letter, but I open up and there's red letter and I'm reading it and it feels like it's almost breathing on my face. It felt like two inches from my face and he's reading my mail. It's like he's alive now and I'm going, how's this guy? Isn't he like 2000 years ago? Why do I feel like he's breathing on me? And it terrified me because I was in all the bad parts. but there was some words in there he said were about forgiveness and i needed forgiveness more than my next breath i needed forgiveness i needed healing i needed restoration i needed a way out of hell it was bad and um i think that it had to happen first otherwise i wouldn't have had a way out yeah and I would have died.

38:11And still acted like nothing was happening until one day I was at a gig and I get a call. Brett, the ex-wife, I'm meeting this person right here in front of me who's telling me you did this, this, this. Is it true? And I just looked to the boys in the band and I said, this is it. I'm sorry. I've got to go. And you won't see me. And I went back. You knew. Yeah. And she asked and I said yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then all hell broke loose. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I had to sell everything. Even my clothes were thrown in the trash. I was not allowed to see any friends. I wasn't even allowed to call my mom.

38:56And I said yes to all of this, as crazy as it sounds, because I was reading the Bible. Oh, wow. And going, I deserve everything that's coming at me. I deserve everything that's coming at me and I'm so sorry I can't take it back so whatever you gotta do yeah yeah just do it and I'll accept it and maybe at some point you'll see how sorry I am I got cold names every day and I understood and it was really brutal but I understood and there's no woe is me you did this there was no yeah but you don't understand what you did to set up this there was none it was all yeah you can say whatever you want i knew what i'd done yeah and this person wasn't healthy so you got crazy and now you got crazy pain yeah and it came like a deluge um and we moved to carolton no one knew where i was i wasn't like i said i wasn't letting go anywhere and all i had was this bible and i wept before it every day just because i had nowhere to go i would read this thing like a lifeline i would fast i would pray like it said and i cried and cried for about seven months and i lost everything but everything with a little e and I could tell so many stories I'll give you this is where it starts getting crazy but feels like it was maybe crazy before then but go ahead yeah yeah dark crazy oh now it goes light crazy oh light crazy yeah so I began this sense of I think it's important to know someone else may have felt like this it started this way you know where he says the worm will never die I didn't want to look people in the eye because I was so ashamed when it all came out her family would come to see me I dropped so much weight and they would look and be shocked they had no idea how much the dying process was going on the inside but the real there was a double reason one of the reasons why I didn't want to look in the eyes because I was so ashamed the second was this is going to sound strange But you have to remember, I had no pastor.

41:28I had no church. I had this book. Things would happen, and then I would read about it. I would feel, I guess my soul would flip. And the only thing, this is going to be a rock and roll reference, but the only thing, because it's all I saw until I read it. Ozzy Osbourne used to put a midget in a bag for whatever reason on his show. You know what I'm talking about? Sorry. Could you say that one more time? Yeah. I'm sorry. This is the point I'm trying not to be funny, but I got no reference for it. It wasn't. Can you imagine being in a Hessian bag, a brown bag, and you're trying to get out? You're flipping around.

42:07Oh, like during a show? Yeah. Now, my soul, I didn't know. I even had words for it. On the inside, I would feel this flipping. I felt this flipping. I couldn't look at people in the eye because I thought they could see it through my eyes. This thing was flipping. I was like, I can't look at you. You have no idea what's going on. And it wasn't until later where I read where Jesus said, and the worm will never die. And I went, oh, that's what's happening. It's not that the worm would never die. I hadn't even got to that yet. I recognized the worm. I still don't have a grid for that. A lot of the things I'm going to say are true, but I don't have a grid for it.

42:45So people say, explain that. And because I can't, I'll often see the curtains go down. People say, nice story. And I go, it's not a story. It's a telling. it's not a story the god that you crave for is real everything you want him to be is real and these things line up he never changes his word or how he does it so anyway that was a side rabbit hole hey so i wouldn't look at people because of that and the dying process i would not breathe air unless my body made me i didn't have the courage to pull the trigger wow but it It was that dramatic. I would just sit there and say, just fade away, please.

43:29Just fade away. Just fade away. And it went on and on and on in that place. And then as I'm reading and I'm praying and I'd be alone near a lake and near this apartment complex or a little river, and I would cry out to him all the time in this wooded area. Just cry out to him. Please forgive me. Please forgive me. over and over and over again. Then I had these dreams. These dreams, if anyone's had them, they'll know what I'm saying. But it was like I was asleep and all of a sudden, every sense was plugged into power. Boom. And I would completely wake up. But my body was still asleep. And I was more awake than I am in the flesh.

44:18I was completely awake. And he gave me three dreams and I'll just keep them to myself. but if anyone if anyone is is listening and having that experience they'll know it's him and if anyone doesn't know what i'm saying me telling the story of the dreams is not going to help them yeah so it's it's it's that thing like mother theresa what do you say to god i say nothing and if you don't understand that then i can't explain it it's kind of a situation sorry to put myself no way there's mother theresa so it's it's there were three dreams that happened but this is where i'll share um things would happen and then i would read about it in the book as i'm reading the following book and i get to this place where my ex-wife we were out somewhere and i just said can i can can i have a cross and i got a cross and all the family thought i was losing my mind they had no idea what was happening they had no idea the dreams they had no idea of what's what's going on in the soul they had no idea the worm they had no idea of anything it was just me and him locked down i couldn't even watch tv that's another story um so anyway she got across and i was like where am i gonna put it where am i gonna put it and i wanted to put it in the bedroom because I was tired of hearing the name calling and I was hoping that the cross would begin to heal the hurt and the hate.

45:53But for some reason, it wasn't put up. That morning, I went out to the gym area where I often did my praying at 5am and I would pray and I would weep and I would pray and I would weep and I would pray. till about 11. I do a lot of weeping in gyms too, but not as much praying. Continue. Go ahead. What's your story? So I went back to the apartment and I remember as I walked in, if you could imagine, say, if this area behind us, it's an open doorway, it was a larger doorway where the dining room sat and there is no door. it was just an open area if you can imagine that yeah okay and that's where the dining room sat in this apartment it was filled with what i thought was steam it was absolutely from top of the frame down to the floor and no further filled with this white mist and thick white mist thick white mist i mean you couldn't really see through it and I was curious I walked in I'm like wouldn't that just go through the whole apartment no it was like a wall framed in even though it was a completely open alcove with just this thick impenetrable looking white mist and I didn't think too much about it I just was that's curious I was wondering if a water pipe had busted underneath I didn't know what what's going on so I walked into the mist and went you know rubbing my hands through the steam thinking it was water and it wasn't water vapor I thought I don't know maybe they're doing some contraction I don't know so I went off and I fell asleep from exhaustion from weeping crying calling out I woke up later on the night went on as it did um ex-wife came home you know I just I had to stay to myself and the name calling and understandable.

48:03And I just kept it myself. The next morning I woke up at five o 'clock to go pray. And as I walked by, I look over that alcove and she had put the cross. She had put the cross over the dining area. I go into the gym and I read how Solomon had dedicated all the way to the temple. so much blood, so much sacrifice, and that God filled the temple, and it was filled with the glory, and it was so thick with the mist and the glory of God, they couldn't even see to minister. And I went, oh my. Wow. That's what that was.

48:51It is hard to tell it, but if you were there, it's the same with the dreams it's hard to tell them but if you were there when i say plugged in and all your senses come up alive i'll give you one at this point i started sleeping with the bible on my chest because i i needed i didn't know i just was like please help me it was like a a boy in the middle of a storm or a buoy what do you call him i like that okay boo is good so I was I was holding I would sleep with it on my chest and here's the craziest thing again I would wake up and I would feel my heart being pulled and I didn't know what that was I didn't know he the word I didn't know this yet but the word has power and it was pulling on my heart massaging waking me I don't know what to, I don't, all I knew was it was pulling on my heart.

49:50And it got so dramatic that if in the middle of my sleep, if I let go of the Bible and it fell on the floor or fell off of me, I would wake up from the lack of the pull. Wow. So I had to pick it back up again and I would hold it and I would sleep like that, sleep like that, sleep like that. One night, one of the dreams was as I'm dead asleep, boom, I'm fully awake and I'm seeing myself at the end of the bed. but I'm still in the bed. I have no grid for this. It's just the experience. There's no grid. This is the experience. I'm standing at the edge of the bed. I'm seeing myself in the bed. As I'm standing there, I am fully awake.

50:30Again, more awake than when I'm in this frame. I am fully awake. And I look down towards the edge of the bed. We have going down towards the bathroom. The bathroom door's open. And I can see my shadowy frame in the night. standing at the edge of the bed so I can see myself in the mirror. As I start walking up to the mirror, I become clearer, but it's still dark. I see my face, and I lean in to the mirror, and I see this little light in my eyes. And I get closer to the mirror, and suddenly the light goes boom! It just blew up. and then I work up in my body. The next day I read, he gives light to your eyes.

51:26So these are the things, the experience verses, and I know for someone who's had it, they're screaming right now, yes. And for a lot of the church, and this is what I found out, I learned not to say, because the spiritually curious are just that, oh, that's amazing. It hurts when the church doesn't believe. it's right there because it's not our experience we don't have a grid for it but it's all true and that's why the first time i met some people who were just going to church i expected everybody to have the experiences i did i expected it so you two you have the light-out dreams yeah yeah and i get to the church and then they would say i said so when did the lord speak to you and i just jumped but when did the lord speak to you then they would say i've never heard him i'd be You're like, what?

52:16Yeah. You come to church and you never heard him? What kind of Bible do you use? Have you found something? I'm trying to find something that contours more. So let me ask you. So how did you get to Nashville with all this? What gets you here? This is, okay. Okay.

52:41It culminated in this. one evening after all these dreams and all these crazy things are happening

52:52it was a night like many and I'm standing in the kitchen area and I'm being called names and my little four year old is watching and I've given everything I could and submitted to say I'm sorry as best I could. Anything that was asked, I gave it. All my clothes, anything my parents had given me, destroyed. Whatever you wanted, in your age, destroyed. And the names were coming again. And I just look at my little four-year-old. And she's looking at me, and then she said, why are you looking at me? She'd picked up on the venom. And now it had become her language. and she didn't know that I was fighting for her.

53:43You were the one I was most fighting for and something on the inside of me said, I lost you too. And it was the last. And I remember going the next morning to pray around five o 'clock and I'm in this basketball gym. That's where I often go. And I would pray and just do and throw the hoop and just pray. It was meditative. and weep and read and i'm in this bible uh court and i'm i'm yelling this is a great prayer just yelling there's nothing left i just lost my little girl there's nothing left what else do you want from me there's nothing left and then all of a sudden is this appropriate i hope it is I don't want to spook people out because I found that sometimes it does but I'm just going to tell you the truth all of a sudden the sensation of fire engulfed my body it felt like burning but it didn't hurt the vision of my eyes was like superheated air over a campsite everything wobbled and there came a sound and I'm not going to tell you what the sound is except I'll just repeat what it says in the Bible sound of a violent wind I have a description for that but I want to make sure that I hold some things back because I fear the Lord so this sound it was in my ears for about a day and a half after this happened but anyway as this sensation came I remember looking at my arms not seeing fire but feeling it It was like all of a sudden my mind was grabbed so that I wasn't able to ask questions.

55:41And then all this download starts happening. I see visions. I see pictures of things like a cut off stump. And I saw the ring of the stump. And he said something. And if you ever want me to share it, if you think it's appropriate and it's not going too far, I'm happy to share some of these things. But I keep, he shared, he gave me a lot, I didn't know. I got lots of visions. I got lots of pictures. I got lots of understandings. And my mind was being held the whole time. It's a very strange thing to say. Like, so I was just in the absorbed mode. Just absorbed. I don't know how long I stood there.

56:22I have no idea. The sound is in my ears. The sensation is going. Then all of a sudden, I knew I was going to Nashville. He showed me how I was dressed. And he showed me something that was going to happen. And all of a sudden, it was like I broke off the hold. And I went, oh, you mean I'm not dead? You mean this is not the end? And I got so excited. And he spoke. And he said, no, with the force of a feather, no. But it was a command. I don't know how he did it. Force of the feather? No. But I command. He said, all things are just tools to give God the Father glory. And I went, oh. Again, it was like he held my head again.

57:18I just, who could hear that and not go freak out? I couldn't. He was holding me. And I just received it. I went, oh. So I went, extreme excitement. It's all about me. Yay, my life's not over too. It's all about God the Father giving glory. Oh, okay. And I was back in receive. Then right at the end, he let me feel, all I can tell you is the experience. The sense of a person right in front of me suddenly became aware of that. And he said, now when you go, don't be afraid. I will be with you. And then the presence shot up. And I'm looking up. And it was like my mind was released. And I went, oh, I just read that.

58:01I just read that. I just read that I wanted to run through the apartment complex and go he's real you're gonna be okay you're gonna be I was on fire I went from death to ridiculous like like megawatt I was I was ridiculously on fire and I came running out of the the gym and I look out and here's the crazy thing because I can't do it now but i felt like all creation which god makes all things my experience of life is i've been looking at it and it was looking at me freaked me out because he knows everything is everywhere and every thought and i was i was because i was dead and now i'm alive so i'm fresh I knew what born again was because I was clean my mind was guilt and heavy and black and mud and laden and now my conscience was as clean as water in a cell phone cup I mean a cellophane cup I was on fire I was alive I wanted to yell to everyone you're gonna be okay and all of a sudden he went shh, don't tell anyone.

59:20Now, I never understood that. I accepted, but I was like, what do you mean? Don't tell. And see, I didn't, I'll say it again, I didn't grow up in church. I didn't understand how many horrific things are done in the name of God. I didn't understand that part of the world hates God. I didn't understand all of these things. I am now alive. I get on the phone, or at some point, the ex-wife calls me and I said, God spoke to me. Worst thing I could have said. He already warned me. She said, what? What do you mean? And I went, oh, I'm going to share a little bit. And then the questions came. And again, anyone's had this experience will understand this.

1:00:10When people start asking questions, it feels like you have the most precious jewel, the most sacred thing in your soul and they want to put fingerprints and oil on it's like no no don't touch it please don't touch it so i didn't want to talk about it please don't touch it please don't touch it don't touch it so because i said i heard from god the end result and i'm fast forwarding but the end result of that was they thought i'd lost my mind i was crazy and that i was going to have to see a psychiatrist to ever see my daughter again.

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1:03:11Jon McLaughlin:Can I ask you real quick, while you're in this sort of prison-like state that you're in, did you think that there would be a way out of it? Or were you even thinking about it? Yeah, I thought that if I, again, this is, I know how it sounds now in reference to Jesus, but I was just living it. I thought if she inflicted enough pain, if she saw how sorry I was, there would be a restoration. Yeah. There would be forgiveness. There would be like, you were just hurt, angry, sick, whatever category, and all of them. And I thought the family unit would be restored. Because that was that little girl. That little girl.

1:04:01However insane it all began, however insane I went through, that little girl meant everything to me. And to lose her nearly killed me. She thought I had lost my mind. At some point, she was working for an airline company. I was looking for work. I get a call. I sign up for a temp agency. I get a call from that very company to go do uniforms. Oh, at where she's working? Yeah, but not her direct. Just part of the same company. I didn't realize at the time I was a setup. I'm doing uniforms. And it was very menial. You just read the sheet. You got them the uniforms. You put it in a box. It's going to other sales.

1:04:46Oh, I just said it. It's going to other airline employees. and I'm putting him in the box and I found out you know these dreams I'm going oh my gosh God's real so I'm praying I'm praying the whole time I'm working and their employees would leave I didn't know what they were doing but they were testing to see if they wanted to hire me so they would see what I would do and there was no one around well I'm in Jesus I'm praying all the whole time I'm just I'm loving there's one prayer that I said over and over and over again I will love you with all my heart with all my mind with all my mind and all my strength all my soul and I kept saying it over and over again but each time I tried to vamp up the passion vamp up my commitment I kept saying it and they left and as they left again I don't have grids for this but the spirit hits me and I'm floating in my soul I don't know what it looked like on the outside but I was like oh my gosh I'm feeling the spirit of God with me it was so amazing that it lasted for the rest of the day when i came out from work ex-wife picked me up every day she picked me up as i walked outside i suddenly became aware of the angelic i don't have a grid for that now and i can only just give the experience i'm gonna say that a lot it's way over the other side of this park area and i can feel the presence of the angelic and I'm like, oh my gosh, what's this?

1:06:16Because I'm just touched by heaven. So I'm very, very tender to what's going on in spirit. And I look over and there's a mother holding a baby who had just been caught in a car wreck. And the angels had come like white blood cells. So anybody who's going through pain, trial, trauma right now, know that God has appointed and has already sent angels around you. It's the reality. We can't see it or we can't feel it possibly, probably most of the time. but it is a reality. I got to witness it so I've got to say it. She had no idea that they were there but they were. So I get in the car and I can't tell anyone because I've already been like you're crazy and I'm going that's funny because you thought I was a nice guy when I was sick and now I'm safer than anyone you know and you think I'm sick.

1:07:03Right. It's just shut down even more. You're just going with the Lord. So I'm driving in the car and I get a call and they say, I'm having to succinct it, they said, we want to offer you a full-time opportunity. And I told my ex-wife,

1:07:26forgive me, in the baptism, one of the things I had told her was I felt like I was supposed to go to Nashville. Very small things that I'd shared. Fast forward again to them offering me a job and I said, they've offered me a job. and she said what are you gonna do and I said well um and I didn't understand the Lord said go to Nashville but I this has been three months of working at this place now I know it's a bit fragmented please try your best and after three months and they offered me a job and I said I guess I guess I'm going to take the job and she said no no no you're not and I didn't realize still it was uh trying to set up so that i would not have any contact with my daughter and um you know be the deadbeat dad or whatever the deal is and i said no you don't and she said no you're leaving and i said okay so i gave her all the money except for because of the fire when you find out Jesus is real, at least me, I open up the book without a highlighter.

1:08:43I'm going, this is how he said to travel. No money. The clothes that you got, off you go. And I said, okay. So I brought a one-way ticket to Nashville with no money. My Bible and the clothes that I was wearing, they showed me. And I was sitting at the Greyhound, ready to go. and as I'm she dropped me off and as she's backing up in the car I see her looking at me on the phone and I'm going okay I don't know what that's about maybe she's just telling the school she's coming to pick up our daughter and I sit in the seat and this lady suddenly comes in are you Brett Swain? now I'm expecting the Lord to do something and my framework is Lord you're going to show them that all this is real and it's going to heal the family.

1:09:36They're going to know I'm leaving a lot out. I'm leaving a lot out. But my grid was you're going to heal this family. You're going to heal everybody. It's going to be great. Lady comes in, dark hair. Are you Brett Swain? I said, yes. And she goes, you've been served. And I went. And inside were divorce papers. And the most caustic letter. And I held on to that letter for months. That's another story. but I was talked about crashed even though I'm like Jesus I don't even have money for food

1:10:12crashed and I'm just sitting there with this letter going this is the beginning of this and this young man and a lady sitting next to me and all of a sudden he turns around and gets in my face and manifests. And I had no grid for demonic manifestation. I had no grid. And I only realized later on the Lord was comforting me so much through the dying and that lady coming. He was holding me up that anyone with demonic presence was reacting to the presence of God. And I didn't have a grid for that at the time. I mean, he manifested. And then he went to the bathroom and I looked over at his girlfriend I didn't know what to do and and she apologized that's all she had okay got in the Greyhound which was not a trip from heaven the toilet broke we spent the whole time doing oh man oh my yes before about seven hours I was in the back to right next to the toilet oh my gosh they forgot to unload it so it was really bad we get into Memphis on the greyhound i'm like lord lord lord i'm like that needy and i'm sure there's a lot of musicians or a lot of people that need the lord or need something in their life they become a little um uh sticky will you please stop don't you know what i'm talking about they're so needy that they're just sucking up everything that they can that was me with the lord going who am i supposed to see i know you can speak audibly please who am i supposed to see i'm almost to nashville I didn't do any research I didn't want anyone to think I had a plan I knew that he sent me I knew he was going to do something I was the first conversion of my whole family I wanted them to hear what he was going to do and go me too sign me up I wanted no one to think I had a plan so I'm in Memphis and I'm beginning to go we have a plan right we we do have a plan please talk to me each person that walked in I must have they must have been like dude you're a bit intense I was looking, am I speaking to you?

1:12:23Am I speaking to you? I remember pulling into Nashville and seeing the Lifeway building with the cross downtown. And I went, you sent me to a city with a cross in the middle. Which broke my heart when they pulled it down, by the way. I was there. And I remember just the fact that no one, he hadn't said nothing and no one had spoke to me. pulling into Nashville and seeing that. Oh my gosh. You've got a city with a cross in it. It strengthened me to get through the next day, the night. And I spent the night in the Greyhound not knowing where to go. And that Bible became my blanket each time the doors opened and that wind would come in and it was freezing.

1:13:14You're in the station? I'm in the station. Yeah, I've got nowhere to go. I've got no money. and I'm not appropriately dressed for Nashville winter because I didn't know at the time. I found it later on. He sent me Holy Week and I didn't know all of these things. So anyway, it was cold. And the Bible became my blanket, became my cell phone. Where are you? Became my pillow, everything. And the next morning I met a harmless guy and I know I was supposed to hang out and help this guy. and uh he said have you got any money i'm like no no no and i told him my story a little bit of it about being born again jesus and he's like oh okay well i'll take you to the mission and they can give you food they give you a place to sleep and you can have a shower and i went god i don't even have bus fare you've landed me in a place in the city where i can walk to a place where they're going to feed me and give me a shower.

1:14:11This isn't crazy. This is so good. I'm walking on cloud nine, going with this homeless guy to the mission around the corner. This is awesome until I got to the gate. And I saw the dirt and the brokenness. And I think I said it out loud. Jesus, I'm going to die here. And the homeless guy turned to me and said, let me take you to the library park where the rest of the homeless hang out and i went i'm i'm homeless i'm homeless i don't even have money to call my folks so he takes me to the library park i go up to the library so it's church street i go up to the library and one of the things i will just drop and i have to leave out was i found out there's actual true power in the Word of God.

1:15:03I could go into a Barnes and Noble and close my eyes after my baptism, and I could tell you where the religious section was. Jeez, that's crazy. I could run my hand over the word Holy Bible, and I could feel the emanation. I know that sounds weird. I can't do it now. I've got too caught up. But it was fresh, yes. So I I go to the library and I get up in the religious section and I'm praying. I'm like, God, please, please, where are you? Who am I supposed to meet? And the lady comes over, the voiceover, says the library's closing in 15 minutes. Make your selection, et cetera, et cetera. And I think I had a Billy Graham book and I just put it up.

1:15:43And I was done praying. I was exhausted. And I put the book up and I just said, I'm hungry. I've got no money. I'm hungry. And I get up and I start to walk down the library. And back then, the glass doors, outside of them, they had columns. And as I'm walking out, I look at one of the columns. This is a brand new apple. Untouched. And I went over to the apple and I went, oh my gosh. And as soon as I touched it, he said, why do you worry about the little things? Audibly. And I went, you know where I am. Up until then, I didn't know if he knew where I was. Right? All this stuff. And I still came to that conclusion.

1:16:24You don't know where I am, do you? why do you worry about little things? And I remember biting the apple and going, at least I know where I'm going to be. And walking towards the mission and crying, looking like that crazy homeless guy. That's why I've learned not to judge so much. And I'm crying, walking towards the mission. That moment gave me the strength to go through what ended up being four months of homelessness, but I never knew how long it was going to be. I never knew if I was going to taste milk again. I never knew if I was going to have soda again. I would watch people go into luncheons as I sat in the park at the library going, what do you want from me going to Subway going, I'll never have that again.

1:17:05Living amongst the homeless, smelling like them, witnessing and getting an education in schizophrenia and bipolar and moral failure and drunkenness and not judging, just watching the sickness of the world being tried as the Lord allows the process of the purging through many, many different aspects of different avenues of life and trials for all of us. But for me, I was watching it through homelessness. It became my school of compassion for the poor. I didn't go through everything they went through, but I had a window of how they felt. and it feels very much like poverty became becomes like a uh you could feel it like a tunic people wouldn't look at you they would ignore you um uh you're not allowed to go to the bathroom in their store all of these different things and i have to leave a lot out but it became my education and pain elongates time each day felt like four days yeah how did How did you eat in that season?

1:18:14In the mission. Oh, you got to the mission. Yeah. And what was like a day like? You would be waking up in a room of about 300 guys with blankets. You're not sure if they've got crabs or lice on them. And the lights were on all night. And the snoring was horrendous. I learned to peel my lobes and stick them in the hole of my ear. That is crazy. It's true. And I wore the same clothes for two months and I would wash them. And then with apologies, hang them over the edge of my bed to dry overnight. My pants, I would just put them back on and let the body dry them. But in the morning, at 4 a.m., they wake you up.

1:18:58I would go help out in the kitchen eventually just to give back. I didn't know how to say thank you. So I would just help out in the kitchen. And then I would head off around 11 and get to every Bible study. I'd go to Catholic Mass. I have so many great stories. So many great stories. Go to Catholic Mass and then I would run back to the mission by three o 'clock otherwise you couldn't get a bed. So you had this... Oh, 3 p.m.? Yeah. You had to get your ticket. It was very hard to get anything done. For a lot of these guys they spend the day walking between meals just trying to get it done. And if I was hungry and I was often hungry because you only get a certain amount I'd have to run back to the mission and eat my lunch and then go you know to the next Bible study or whatever I was just chasing Jesus and I met a schizophrenic guy I was trying to help him that was my education in schizophrenia I had no idea of mental illness there's so many stories was it was it like a did you feel like there

1:20:00Jon McLaughlin:was a community but like you're seeing all the same people day in and day out yeah I would tell you it's it's true they say they said the devil's at the mission but so was god wow it's both and i saw bona fide miracles i saw um gosh so much to share there was a guy with rheumatoid arthritis i befriended and he had very crippled hands and he would often stay by himself this point had been about two months in and the programmers are not meant to mix with what they call the transients those that just come and go and i was in that and i asked him should i go into the program and no no so i would i was just one of the transients you're not supposed to mix with them because they may pull you out of the program back into drug use but for some reason i got such favor and grace amongst the the um the programmers that eventually they began to wash my clothes for me and they gave me clothes it's crazy they would ask me to come pray for people and because i had a funny accent they called me touched by an angel.

1:21:08Jon McLaughlin:That is amazing. So one day I noticed this guy, his name is Danny. He had rheumatoid arthritis. He was a very crippled, very small man. And he would sit off in a corner by himself in this chair and just rock. And I went over to him and I just was like, Jesus, you're real. I want to lay hands on this guy because I knew from the baptism I had felt that power lord get him out of this chair get him out of this chair so i wasn't going to tell him that i would just go can i pray for you right just yeah so i would just pray on him and as i'm praying i'm seeing him rock and as he rocks forward i see that he has all this fecal matter on his back and he's been in the chair for three days he don't want to tell anyone oh gosh and his skin was burning red from the fecal matter you're not allowed to go inside in between periods they're cleaning etc and I went to them and I said please it's that favor and they said sure you take him in and wash him so I'm taking him into the shower and he's being so grateful thank you Brett and I'm like you know holding him back all of a sudden I see something on his leg move and I looked down at his leg and it's maggots his leg is rife with maggots because he can't brush them off so I wash them off and I'm really I remember I was about to throw up and I remember grabbing the thought by the throat and said this is a man don't you do this this is a man and the moment I grabbed that thought of revulsion and made it submit out of love again i get hit with the spirit and i am wrecked i had no grid for what drunk in the spirit was until that moment i was like oh my it was the it's what you expect it's unbelievable and i felt terrible because i went and got the programmers and said he's got maggots on his leg he needs to go to the doctor i'm drunk in the spirit the ambulance comes puts him on and he's this poor little guy who's all bent up going on a gurney out the door he's yelling at me who's going to pay for all this what do you think you're doing who's going to pay for all this yelling at me and I'm giddy joyless joyful rather absolutely smashed in the spirit and I can't tell anyway smashed I had no grit which you know a day later he calls me up through the office and he said Brad it's the best I've got my own room I'm watching TV thank you but there was lots of moments where you have these kind of things which strengthen me I needed things to happen every day to give me the strength for that day I could tell you a lot of them like how we provided toothpaste I could tell you a ton but simply just to say for the journey I didn't understand what he was doing it hurt a lot and I think I may have told you Dave but I didn't realize that all this time I was always looking at the ground and one day when I'm outside the mission I just get this sense to look up and I look up and Tennessee skies are beautiful and massive big clouds and I'm looking at a billowing Culeonimbus cloud just stunning and I'm stuck in the beauty and all of a sudden the God light breaks through you know what I'm talking about those beams I'd never seen it all my life the god light breaks through and here's the craziest bit i suddenly heard music probably because i was so please help me god there was nothing but me and god i didn't have an ambition i didn't even know how to get a hold of my folks i didn't as i said i didn't have anything it was me and jesus please show up today that was my language that was my on work all day long every day so i guess it made me really tender and really intentful and to hear the music so keep doing the music because it's in heaven and it's from heaven do you do music too then do david never gave up right he wrote psalms all the way it's in heaven with stay away from rooftops is what i'm taking that too yes try not to watch women bathe.

1:25:49Make music. Just keep looking up. Yeah, just don't look down. Don't look in windows. Yeah, don't look over. So how do you, so you get to Flemings. Yeah, well, let me, I'll say this. Because each day felt like four and the pain of it, et cetera, et cetera, it's great for prayer life. And I saw that. I saw the cloud. I saw many other miracles. And I remember across from the mission, is a place called command center and i'm saying all this for anyone who's listening they can they can find the location it's all real and i used to sit on a little uh there's a little brick wall there and i would sit and i would pray so this is one day apparently you were not supposed to do that anyone who sat on the wall the police came and they took them off for trespassing it never happened for me i would sit on that wall and pray and i like yesterday i'm looking up at the sky that was beautiful blue and i went lord you did not save me in all the drama of that saving you did not do that so that i would end up homeless and this would be my final chapter it doesn't your logic it doesn't make sense so i realize i've been begging you to get me out of here begging you to get me out of here but you are going to break me out so when that moment comes I don't want the devil going do you remember when you complained?

1:27:13I want every bit of joy that has come from this I want it all and I don't want it to take one single speck so here's the deal I'm going to trust you and fear left and love moved in and within a week someone from Fleming's came on community service and within about 10-15 minutes said you seem like a decent guy you want a job that's how it began that's crazy so surrender was the passing grade yeah so all of that struggle was to get to the point of character because peter john and james go up on the mountain and jesus transfigures and he says don't tell anyone what you've seen until the son of man is risen again and i'm going when the spirit came upon me i wanted to tell the whole world and I saw what happened.

1:28:09And he's telling James and John and Peter, don't say nothing. I've always wondered why, wondered why, wondered why. You've got the greatest story, greatest story. Because the character hadn't caught up with the content of the story they were going to tell. And if I've come to see so many times and it breaks my heart, that God will do something in a person's life. And if they haven't allowed it to shape them fully first, then the fame, the attention, the money, or anything like that can create a place when the shepherd is struck that the sheep scatter. You can't say that you met Jesus and then that's how you act.

1:28:51Pastor, Peter, James, and John, you denied him. So you said you saw God, you heard the Father, you saw Moses, and then this is how you act? It takes a while for the character to catch up with the content. Which is such a genius if you think about after Paul's conversion that they just like God's like you need a few years of chilling with some people that know what they're doing before we send you out you know because I think when you read that story you're like why wouldn't he just go hit the streets because he just saw Jesus he's just seen him like he's ready to party and God's like no no no no first of all you're going to be blind for a minute but second of all you need to like lay low for a hot minute to get it together so exactly you hear all these things the words remain true and they're just repeating the stories in our lives where god is about one thing forming his son in you that's it and if we can hold on to that we can go through any trial yeah yeah because the end goal is i made you for heaven you're coming with me god that's so true and you know something i find myself thinking about a lot now too is that that's that's man one of the things that god is always trying to do is just get us free he just wants us free oh but man to get there to get there it always makes me um i smile when i hear kids in church break me jesus and go oh break me jesus you okay that's a big one that's a big one but it's it's still true and he will strengthen you through the process you know it's that that whole thing of the two and emmaus didn't recognize him until the breaking of the bread and He holds up.

1:30:30He blesses the bread and he breaks it and he feeds the church. And we are that bread in his hands when we allow ourselves to be broken. Yeah. But he blesses it first. He blesses it first. Yeah. So that obviously has informed the cookery. I mean, you spend your time at Fleming's. I see where you create a program there where you start to feed the homeless with their blessing, which is such an amazing thing. You meet up with your partner. You form the cookery, which has been around. How long has cookery been around? gosh we started uh we started construction in 11 11 okay and now you have homeless men that work with you yeah there yeah um who you train right also right who then become independent who can sort of uh begin their lives with this new job right right um but i think what's so powerful about the story and you said it so well because i think in a season where you're sitting on that wall going like what are we doing here yeah like i got this thing yeah god is going well for me to accomplish what you're gonna do yeah you have to be able to speak this language you know exactly you gotta you gotta know and i remember after i got hired by flemings um i went back to that wall and sat and as soon as i sat down a police car pulled up and said

1:31:51so i was like oh this journey is done yeah move on and then sometimes that's tough too because a long time after i was working at flaming's it's so many stories but i wasn't sure i was prepared to pay rent at the mission because i saw so much god movement i saw yeah i saw my first angel at the mission 14 foot anyway anyway so yeah within a few months uh they they they offered me well it might have been yeah i don't know they offered me um such access to the to the kitchen that eventually led to the keys they would let me open up and then a little while later and fly into different parts of the country turning up new crews wow all just because just geez yeah that turnaround is so yeah and then yeah and so i think within the second year um i asked the bosses i had amazing bosses gabe fairchild and tracy riddick and i said to them could we open up because the two days of the year the closest thanksgiving and christmas can we open up flamings because that's the hardest time for homeless yeah yeah no family and they they they truly regret losing them things like that yeah can we do it and we did it for eight years is that i was there they said yes the first time was 26 people and by the end it was about 400 people coming and they were having the full experience and we could have a normal night at fleming's where it was packed but thanksgiving christmas they would be up there on the mic they'd be singing the songs to jesus crying and and the staff it was was so touched it was it was the best time we ever had i remember the last time do you know will mcginnis from oh yeah oh yeah can i share that okay oh this is good okay so i'll come back to flemings danny he gets out of the mission oh yeah with a rheumatoid arthritis he gets his own apartment he asks me to go pay his phone bill because he can't trust anybody and i said sure i'll do that and he gives me a bit of money for bus fee because i've got no money but i've been working at flemings and uh i i said i would go do this for him but i had i had no vehicle i had to take the bus he gave me the bus fare i don't know nashville so he says yeah that you got to go to whatever verizon whatever it is and and he says a g word and i think it's gallatin so i get on the bus and i go to gallatin and i'm walking around gallatin for so long that the same bus has gone around come back around and I said I went the wrong way can you please help me and he takes me back and I call up Dan he says no green hills that's a different G in a lot of ways I go find the place and I pay his bill and I don't want to spend any more his money because I don't want him to think that I'm being slick yeah so I'm walking back and God has given me a place on 8th Avenue near Melrose Bowling Alley all right I have to leave a lot I'm walking back and as I'm walking he's just giving me this place I look over and I see a key ring on Hillcrest.

1:34:58Is it Hillcrest? Hillborough? Whatever that road is near Green Hills. I look over and I see there's a key ring. And I bend over and go, oh cool, I don't have a key ring. Because I'm still in that mode, give to every man that asks. I'm still trying to, and I have nothing left. Long story there too. So I pick up this key ring and I almost feel like the spirit going, no dummy. Look again, but he wouldn't have said dummy, but you get my point. I look down again and there's this purse. And in the purse is money, cards, sales ticket, phone number. So I walk all the way home. By now, I've got blisters on my feet.

1:35:32I call up the number. The young man says, that's my wife's purse. We're so glad you found it. I said, yeah. He said, where would you like to meet? And I don't want to tell him about the blisters on my feet. And I've been walking to and from Flemings, which is about a two-hour walk for work every day. But it was good for prayer. So I walked down to the, I said, I'll meet you at the bowling alley. he pulls up and he says, do you want a car? And I go, no, no, because I'm free. I feel free. And I go, no, no, no, no, no, I don't. And I went, I feel the Spirit tugging. I said, can we pray for three days?

1:36:13He said, sure, sure, sure. Turns out that they were wanting to give a car in their church and they didn't know who to give it to. And they were going to give it to one person, the lady. he had been given the the the man offering the car had been given a car in college it stood up at church and they said what do you need he says i need a car they gave him one he never forgot the feeling now he's an it designer and he likes to give cars away so they didn't know who when i found the wallet they went lord that's him three days later i'm i've been going to visit a man in hospice at Alive. And they were moving him to Bordeaux.

1:36:50And I knew I couldn't get to him. I said, I had a car. And I said, I really think the car's for me. And he said... I love how begrudging that was. Dadgummit. He said, well, we knew it was for you. And I was thinking it was an old jalopy. He comes and meets me again at Melrose. He arrives in a Honda Accord with a sunroof, an interior CD player, and all the rest of it. And it's only got$60 ,000 on the clock. and I'm like, I was floored. And he goes, it's yours. I couldn't believe it. Now, at Kirkwood, there's a Kroger. I said, thank you so much. I don't know what to say. He said, whatever you do.

1:37:26I told him, I'm going to go to monasteries. I'm going to go to hospitals. He said, yeah, but enjoy it too. Right. So I go up and I park it at the Kroger and it's getting dark and I'm under the streetlight or whatever it was in the parking lot of Kroger and I'm circling it. I'm just like, oh my gosh. oh my gosh because I'd only been out of the mission for a month or two I think at that point this lady comes out Sunny are you okay rock what Jesus did rock what Jesus just scared the heck out of her I was so pumped I get in the car I turn on the radio and there's this song talking about your sins have forgotten they're on the ocean floor and I'm like that's me it's not metaphorical it's me and I hear who it is and I go i want to support them lift album it's the audio adrenaline and i go you know what what matters most i could send them money but what it matters most to a musician is if you support their art i'm gonna go buy their album could you say that a couple times just really slowly for the listeners out there for those yes i mean that's why we create right so it's an affirmation to your purpose.

1:38:38Jason, slow that down and play that a few times in a row. Just have that echoing on a loop in the background for the rest of the time. So I went and bought the album and I'm playing the album. I'm playing the album and now I'm driving to and from work. In between, there's this little church on Beachwood called Hope Center. And I'd been going there when I was walking to and from work and they thought I was really weird because I didn't want to talk to people. I just wanted to pray and they so they thought i was strange like no i'm really good trust me he's with me it's all good and when i got the car i would stop in the pastor steve flanagan heard about that i'd play guitar and he put me on worship team this is a part i haven't left out i couldn't pick up an instrument without wanting to throw up physically i didn't know he had purged me so much and he gave me his guitar and I was terrified of it I thought I was gonna throw up and I started to play it and found that I could and so he gave me music back through worship after the set this man comes up to me and goes hey Brett really like your plan and I'm like dude you need to you need to get out more often because I'm playing through a PA I mean a literal PA thing and and I thought that was very nice of you to say.

1:39:57So a few weeks later, we're back on the same team again. And he comes again and he says, hey, Brett, I really liked what you were playing. I said, okay, I'll bite. I said, yeah, thank you. You sound good too. I said, what's your name? He said, well, I said, who do you play for? And he goes, audio adrenaline. I'm going, freak, right? I've been listening to the Lyft album. We become friends. I don't know how many months later, he hears enough of the story and he gives one day he comes up to me he goes i want to give you something because he knows i'm writing but i've got i won't spend my money on anything because jesus said all things are added that's where my mindset is at gives me a present he gives me a vs 880 or 800 or whatever 1680 whatever it is rolling thing it's a recording unit i'm like oh my gosh he goes here brett write your music on yes yes thank you will i love you man take it back to my basement and i seize this stuff on there so i put my headphones on and i hit play it's the backing tracks to the lift album yes they would use it live he left it on there and so will and i became friends when he heard about the cookery he he said um how are you going to support yourself while you're building up and I said, I don't know, man.

1:41:19He said, you need to ask the churches for support. I'm leaving a lot out, but no one knows who I am. But we'll put money behind his mouth. Now, it's 25. And every, I'm not going to embarrass him. Every month, he sends a check still from 11. Wow. All I did was buy a dang CD to support him. Press down, overflowing. plenty of these stories yeah will's amazing will's will's you just sent me a text the other day and so and what a crazy way to try to end this story because i feel like there's a hundred things to talk about there yeah maybe for another day with the cookery for people here in nashville yes you guys are open when to win we're open uh 7 a.m to 2 eventually we hope to go nights as well And you do breakfast?

1:42:16We do. And lunch? All day long. All day long. The whole menu is all day long, yeah. So you can get a burger at 7 if you wanted. Oh, my gosh. I didn't know that. Yeah, and you can get scrambled eggs and pancakes at 2 if you want. Is there some sense of that? I may be reading into this, but when you think about it, because I'm sure you all serve a lot of homeless there. Yes. Is there a thought to that, to having food, if they've been up all night and they're hungry for dinner? Yeah. I want this to be the place of God. He gave me a vision that people would be healed. So I'm leaving a lot out again, but the way to do it is if you give to the poor, you give to him.

1:42:55So people come in and say, I'm hungry, they get a meal. Period. Yeah. Period. But the guys that are being trained in there, they learn everything from grinding their own spices to doing their own dressings to cakes from scratch to temps for meat they learn everything as well as the surf safe management level certification which is recognized around the country i take them through the management level of that jeez so uh plus they get counseling free the housing is free the food is free the clothing is free the transports free and they get 125 a month on a walmart card and and that's that's what we do we just try and pour in the culinary and that's what or bring them in like I want to learn cooking and I go yeah but it's so beyond survival and it's a monastic experience we have houses have I ever taught you I don't want to you it might be another story but God gave us houses geez yeah it's crazy story too it happened over COVID so they stay there you've had how many guys come through and graduate wait gosh i think 120 130 but i would i need to make this very clear this is what hurts you know the hell they've come from yeah and you do anything you could to stop them from going back out and they many of them still do yeah we've got about a 30 success really yeah yeah yeah i would

1:44:23Jon McLaughlin:think that it would i mean you guys are doing every day you're doing something to help the struggling community and i i would i would think you're seeing so many wins yeah but it's you you would just have to live with the heartbreak i got very depressed about two years ago because i'm not an alcoholic i'm not a drug addict i'm like god you got the wrong guy you i'm getting depressed here because i'm watching people die yeah that i love yeah and you said we could lay hands you said that the sick would be made well. And we certainly do see people walking with death in their eyes and hope revives them.

1:45:02I see that. But Lord, deeper, more, more, more. And it hurts. And I think you got the wrong guy. And he gave me to go to the parable of the seed sower because I was so depressed. And I was reading, and a farmer goes out to sow seed. And I'm reading down, and he goes, stop. Go back to the beginning. So I go back to the beginning. Farmer goes out to sow seed. And he said, look, that farmer was the worst farmer in the world. He knew he was throwing it on rocky places. He knew he was throwing it into thorns. He knew. He was the worst farmer. I've never heard that take in the history of 47 years of being in the church.

1:45:38I don't need your help with the seed. Yeah. I want you to be like that farmer. Care less. Just throw the seed, Brad. Wow. And it released me. Let him have the rest. Yeah. It released me from depression. Wow. That's crazy. And so one last just random question. Did you always cook? No. But here's just a fun fact. I found out later on that my grandfather, a cook, look, if I was going to pick a job, I want the red boots and the cape and the fly around the city. That's the job I want.

1:46:12Jon McLaughlin:That's first choice. Yeah. To be a cook, I was like, hmm. But here's the funny thing. This is for you and you. I can work for six months on a song and someone still go, yeah, it's all right if i make a killer burger

1:46:31that is so good it's so true oh my gosh and so did you just get your i mean pun intended did you just get your chops at fleming's yeah i learned my corporate chops at fleming's and so to go back i found out my grandfather because sometimes you know i'm making things and i just kind of it just makes sense i can go flavors i don't know how i know it but i just do it yeah my grandfather it turned out who i was named after he was a cook in the army in world war ii and so at that point i actually became proud yeah i was like you know pop all right right all right so it's it's um our job is not cooking i i get to see a man come alive again you can't put money on that yeah yeah okay um one last question then i actually have a speed round believe it or not which i'm really excited about um are you still in contact with your daughter from dallas yes yes that's a lovely question i have never stopped um he gave he gave me how much to pay and child support well i'm i managed to even so for anyone going through this the some there was many many weeks that the only place i could eat was by going to kroger and eating the samples because all my wow geez louise the money was going to make sure that i paid child support etc etc and if i didn't have fuel money i walked again geez so i want to encourage anyone else he's faithful and he will show you treasures in the darkness it's for the glory of god to hide things it's the glory of kings to find so i want to encourage anyone with that um but what was your question did you contact with her again oh yes yes thank you and i maintained contact i deliberately making maintain contact unfortunately one of these situations and this is the hard truth of it too i have been waiting i'm waiting for her to come back because he gave me you can be a man of war or a man of peace and if you go back you'll be a man of war wow and she's going to see you walk back in that door and have no difference time frame as when you walked out she needs to come into your door to find out who you are that's been the most difficult weight to date and most painful i would watch dads playing with little girls and die yeah yeah and no and anyone again who's listening i understand they understand um it was very difficult because i really there was part of me that wanted to go back and walk I want my kid I want my kid so that process for her on her side of things is where have you been daddy well I've been writing I've been calling I've been writing I've been calling and now she's about she's in a serious relationship and may get married that's how old and there's hardly any contact from her end but God will fix that he will He'll fix it.

1:49:31And yet, you know, here you are remarried with another girl. Dude. Which is crazy. We can't even talk about that. Listen, we have many things from any other day. Okay, so what a crazy story. Thank you for all that. All right, so this is speed round. All right. What's that mean? Buckle up. Is it when you run around in your yellow shoes? You should see me. I'm going to just show you all here in a minute. Sonic the Hedgehog. Thank you for that. Okay, first speed round. Favorite Australian band?

1:50:02ACDC. Oh, that's great. That's good. I'm sorry, guys, because I know there's a lot of questionable content, but that's how I grew up. No, that's how you are. You can't escape that. You can't beat Angus.

1:50:13Jon McLaughlin:Second question. You did great on the first one. You're doing great. If you could cook one meal for a dignitary, what would it be? Bono. No, not who, but that's good. And I love that you consider him a dignitary. No, that's the name of the meal. Oh, Bono. You just have a meal called Bono. What would the meal be? What do you know you can slam dunk? You're like, I'm going to put this in a headlock. Gosh, man, there's so many. But I would have to say, this is going to sound weird, but people who try it, they flip on it. That's the fish taco. Really? Yeah. Our fish tacos are nothing like you expect.

1:50:48Jon McLaughlin:That's the number one thing. Yeah. I mean, I can do the dark l 'orange and the consommes and all these fancy, fancy things. But that's the one. Yeah, because it's like, they don't expect that yeah and with a with a frangipan dessert because it's kick butt good okay okay um favorite meal to eat whatever is put in front of me when i'm hungry i am i have people invite me to their home sometimes and they go brett i'm really sorry i'm kind of embarrassed you're a chef and i remind them i was homeless and ate out of a dumpster we good yeah we're fine Then you would love my cooking. It's taken out of the dump state, and here you go.

1:51:28Jon McLaughlin:Anyone has you over, and you don't finish your meal. They're like, we are bad. Man, I knew I was bad. I didn't know this was bad. All right, what's your favorite thing about cooking? Community. Community. Seeing people really connect. We watch it. The beauty of being in the cookery is people come in, and they can feel the presence. we had one guy coming from kentucky he just walked straight in and he shot his hands up in the middle of the room started crying and praising god just weeping and loudly praising the lord but i'll meet a lot of people in the set at the table and we'll share a little bit you know and they just begin to cry yeah and there's healing we had one lady that came over recently because vanderbilt's so close she showed up she said i didn't know anything about it we just saw that you were near we walked in she had no hair she's on a cancer a treatment for breast cancer and her husband looked around and said oh my god thank you lord and all these guys just surrounded her and weeping and healing and it was wonderful and they forgot to pay the bill and it was

1:52:42so these are these are your kind of things i don't want to try with you and they forgot to you're like listen I'm really glad that said they really skipped out on us real quick joy has a way of making you forget to pay for things yeah man okay final question if you wrote a book on being a dad what would it be called

1:53:08golly through their eyes oh wow when people ask me I say never correct your child when you're angry. And whenever you talk to your child, be in their eyes looking at you. Wow. Well, that's great. Jeez, that was really profound. Brother, thank you for your time. Thank you so much. This is unbelievable. And again, just a little plug for the cookery. Yeah. Here's your tacos, guys. Yeah, we can't do it without. I hope that Nashville sees us as a solution to the poverty and spirit and the economic bomb blast that's happening. Yeah. Yeah, well, y 'all are. Thank you. Bye-bye.

1:53:52Jon McLaughlin:Bye-bye.

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