Glen Henry: Winning Arguments in the Car (Alone)

30:42And so it's almost like hardwired into being a human and a son of somebody and a father of somebody else is knowing that, you know, even at the slightest amount, hopefully we're just tweaking a little more, you know, we just know a little more. And so at some point it's almost like God in a sense of humor is like, yeah, you're always going to have to, and again, I'm not saying no more, like I'm smarter than my dad. That's not what I'm trying to say. But I do think, I would hope that when my son comes to me and he's like, man, you know what we're figuring out now is like this kind of stuff. And it's like, dang, that's, I didn't know that.

31:16You know what I mean? And so I think like, it just puts you in a posture with your son and your dad. That's like this really interesting is what you're talking about. Glenn is like, man, it just feels like, I don't know how to do that. Well, like I, I, I'm not good at like when I realized my dad and I have a difference about something going man how do you that's just a weird thing to walk through because what you feel is like now he's supposed to know everything always it's like you said he never stops being your dad so you're kind of like i don't know and he's like i don't know either you're like oh well we're all like you know it's crazy so i agree with that every generation should get get better um and i think this is true in multiple different cultures i have not been around like personally involved in too many white families so you tell me okay but i'll tell you what we what we experienced me neither honestly um we we inherit trauma very specifically right and we don't know we inherit it because we don't necessarily know what's in the bag in chapter one of this book the very first chapter is follow yourself first but i talk about how you know you get a suitcase vintage suitcase that was handed down from generation to generation and every one of those suitcase got a little bag of someone else's trauma in that suitcase okay are you going to then give that same suitcase that's been inherited to each generation right to your child or do you say what is in this dad what is this where did this come from how do we do this can we unpack this and get rid of it and we are not, as a culture, right, especially as millennials, I think we're the ones breaking the cycle, but our parents before us, they didn't care.

33:05They were just like, I'll just take it, and I'll deal with it, right? It's not my responsibility to be carrying around somebody else's garbage, because what happens is, and I know it's happened to all y 'all because it happened to every dad. Your wife packs the bag. You get up to the counter. You put the thing on a scale, and it's over 50 pounds. what's in the bag bruh do we need all this so now you're opening up all your garments and all your your stuff and you're figuring out what's in the bag we do we really need a hair dryer they have these at the end i like this one yeah we don't need this throw it in the trash we don't need this we don't need my wife used to carry textbooks because she was a math school teacher like she was going to work on vacation you're like you know you don't need no textbooks and guess who got to carry the bag right yeah right so i'm i'm here to just say i know i have my own trauma and i don't want to pass it down yeah i want to lighten that load as much as possible so yes every generation should be getting better but how how much better can we get if we don't know what happened yeah well you know what's profound about knowing what's in the bag is two things you're talking about it's like one that you can open it up and see what you have right so you're familiar you're like man i do this and i was given this thing and this is what i got to deal with right so you're looking at it right yes point one is that you know it but point two is when your kids come in and say it you know it so it's not just that you know it yeah but and this is something i see that's so consistent so many of my friends and their parents and we talk about this on dadville a good bit but and man do I not want to be this way, but I know I am, but I'm going to try my best not to is I've just seen so many of my friends go to their parents and say like, Hey man, so I've done this work.

34:52Like dad, can we talk about this thing? Right. And I love you, but like, gosh, you just, this was tough for me. And you, you did this thing. And, and, and, you know, so many times the dad's like, what, who are you? Like, what are you talking about? Are you either like offended or, you know, their sadness turns in all kinds of different things. but what I think the problem is is that and then others who the dad's done the work when they go hey man you know you were kind of like this and this and they're like yes man I actually know that and I'm so sorry and thank you for telling me but because I'm familiar with it you can tell me and it's not a surprise so yes it hurts and yes a reminder of my failures but I know what they are so you're not going to surprise me with something that gets me up in my feelings and then I'm going to get mad and storm out the room or talk about disrespect or whatever.

35:42You've already gone through the steps of grieving your lack of perfection. Well, you've already been in the back. You know, like, oh, man, I got some stuff I got to deal with. So hopefully when they come to you, it's a vernacular that you understand that you can speak, and it opens up that communication and that relationship, and you can talk about that as opposed to this kind of like, who are you to talk to me about? And that's my greatest fear. I just think like, I just never want my kids to tell me something I didn't know about myself. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think their perspective is very interesting.

36:15It's the only, like they're the only people that know you as a father, right? That's exactly right. So they're going to be able to tell you things from like, even just looking at you, like, man, you got a boogie in your nose. Do you know? Like, what? I got a, you know what I'm saying? You can't even see that. You know what I mean? So they can see things from a different perspective. They're supposed to be able to give you that information. That's right. I think that, you know, because I have, so my parents have been in that position before. The biggest thing that the generation before us, what they attribute it to themselves is they have grit.

36:50Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can grin and bear it. They can deal with a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And so that's cool, but everything isn't meant to be like strived through. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And so when I look at someone and I've had conversations, like really hard conversations with my parents and other people's parents, I recognized a tantrum. The same way my son flips out because he's in the car seat and he's mad. That's how they feel. They feel restrained. Right. So I can recognize that. Now I can say, hey, here are your options. we can you can accept the invitation I'm giving you right and you can move forward and grow or you can not you know what I mean and you can stay where you want to be but your decision also dictates your access right because for me I recently had this conversation you know even with my dad a while ago uh we were sitting down talking and I said hey dad I need to know why you left and um my dad i don't know if he noticed it right away but he started to like you know kind of shift in his seat crack his knuckles like he was getting upset now you're not talking to a 12 year old you're talking to a you know 36 year old right so i say i'm 40 now but i said dad what are you doing you know i'm saying like you are you need to distress like are you about to have a tantrum like what's happening and he's like no i just don't feel like we need to talk about this again we're good how many like i'm not gonna answer this question again if we have it today i said yes you are wow i'm curious i may forget you know the story you were there i was a baby i might need to hear it a couple times you know i'm saying and my children might need to hear it and i don't want you acting like that if they have a question because we allow them to ask them everything and if you come around they might be like why did you leave which is an interesting question you know what i'm saying um because when you know if if i'm around if you're around i say hey i really don't want to talk about this with you know you know my father or my mother they need to know why i'm refusing because if i don't tell them that i'm giving them a right to do the same thing to me right yeah so you know i've i've go ahead and let the kids know like hey like this is what this hasn't been and my relationship was great my father not so much with my mother right and and I hope it gets better, but it's probably not.

39:24But I give my children understanding and say, hey, unfortunately, this is our relationship. I have to educate you and let you know that this is our relationship because I want you to be able to notice when someone else is mistreating you. And I don't want you to think just because I'm your father, you have to take it. Wow. If any of your brother or your sister mistreats you in a way and doesn't hold themselves accountable or apologizes, right, or repents, that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with them because love doesn't mean access, right? And forgiveness doesn't mean trust, right?

40:07So we have to know how we're going to move forward. You know, my hope is that reconciliation would be the main theme. And that's what I feel like my channel is about. It's about reconciliation. But, you know, my heart is deceitful. My heart will allow you to do things to me that shouldn't happen. Right. So before I have to harden my heart, I'm going to guard it. right i'm gonna guard it because it's gonna leak right i'm going to have a uh i'm gonna have a tantrum i'm going to say something that i don't mean and try to hurt you right because i'm passionate right so before i even have to get there i'm just gonna put up these boundaries so that you're safe and i'm safe and i'm gonna let you know the rules to come back in so so i have a question for you because you talk about this in the book some with community and mentorship like when you think about you know like we've said you know kids have this i love the booger analogy because it's so true but like they have this perspective right on us and they always will nobody else has so does our community right so do the so do the other people in our life so what does that look like to you when you think because i think a lot of people it's such a it's i am thankful for my friends and they mean the world to me and they're they're essential right but community is a little bit of a tricky work because some people can see it as like oh that i am in a community or this is my community looks like but when you think about it and you talk about the book like what does that look like to you how would you encourage people toward that that are listening like and how you think about it yeah i think that it's people um you know there's one thing it's like so many different kinds of community right so there's like you know this you know uh church community um there's like life group you know we may hang out we do life together we celebrate together we mourn together uh but then you got those iron sharpens iron grab you by your shirt what is the problem here um and that's what i'm talking about i'm talking about those wwe yeah bro what do we gotta do what's going on you know what i'm saying like yeah your wife is telling me that you're prioritizing your work for the betterment of your marriage um and you have not gone on one vacation with her like yeah do you have time for that is that something you're avoiding why are you avoiding it right um because i love you and i love your family and i'm with you and i don't win um i don't win in the long run if you guys uh choose to quit yeah yeah um i remember i was talking to somebody in my life and i was like hey I need a mentor and this person is vested in our family so I'm like hey I need you to tell me he's an older black man I said I need you to tell me what's coming up in the road that I may not be able to see what are the speed bumps the the detours I need to take what are some things that men fall to because I don't want to fail right my family and he goes you know I I hope that you would learn on your own those things it's better if you learn it yourself and I said what that's very um if I felt coward I felt I felt the word coward like okay this makes no sense so I asked another older black gentleman I said listen anytime I ask somebody this question they don't give it to me straight and I was angry with the last man but this response helped me and this was actually Eric Thomas, E.T.

43:45the hip hop preacher. He's a motivational speaker, goes all around the country. And he goes, um, I can't tell you what's coming up. Right. I don't know what, what, what's going to happen. I can't predict the future, but I will say, um, don't forsake your sacred circle. Wow. Right. There's a group of men in your life that always have kept it real with you that holds you in a certain way that will hug you longer and feel you and you can cry on their shoulder. There's men like that in your life. Don't get popular out of that. Don't let the world pull you away from them because they're going to be able to help you get over through those detours and around those objects when you see them coming in the road.

44:37um i i felt that and i like that night i was like hey guys i know we we aren't doing a life group anymore with the families but i need to connect with my guys wednesday night my office we can play pool we can chop it up we can talk bible let's just get together and that is how it's been um i still have those guys in my life now and i don't i don't see that changing and i've even got more of those right yeah um and so that's what i mean when i say community i'm talking about brothers who uh want to be great in life but don't want to forsake that uh forsake their families for that greatness oh man dave yeah hey yeah now that hey what just real quick okay it i'm not mad that when i wake up in in my bedroom you're here but it's at some point i just is do you see an end Can I not be excited about our friendship?

45:34Okay.

45:34Jon McLaughlin:No, that's fine. Jeez. When you say it that way, I feel like it. I've been waiting for two hours to ask you this. Do you know that feeling when you wake up at like 3 a.m. and your sheets are like a wetsuit? What? Look, I'm going to be honest with you, and she's not going to like this, but I've always blamed Danny. I've blamed my mattress. I've blamed global warming, John. All valid suspects. But you know what's funny? What? Turns out it was my bedding the whole time. Enter Bowling Branch. I knew it. God, we're such best friends. You know, their summer sheets are 100 % organic. A hundred, John?

46:09Jon McLaughlin:Yeah, a hundred. Wow. Woven specifically for airflow, Dave. Okay, tell me more. Not that fake cooling technology that's just a marketing word on a polyester bag. Right. A bunch of liars. The cooling is structural, John. Structural. I don't even know if you know this. It's literally how the cotton is woven, which sounds like something a sleep scientist would say. And I'm not one. Right. But I respect that. I respect that. Yeah. You know, 94 % of customers say that the sheets actually get softer with every wash. Mine get crunchier, actually. Oh, okay. So this was a needed upgrade. Yeah, great. Crunchy sheets are not the best, John.

46:45Jon McLaughlin:Not the best. I'm not the smartest guy. No. You don't want them. So listen, sleep cooler this summer with Bull & Branch. During their annual summer event. For a limited time. That means the time is limited. Yes. Get 20 % off site-wide at BowlinBranch.com slash Dadville with the code Dadville. Hurry up, guys. That's BowlinBranch, B-O-L-L-A-N-D-B-R-A-N-C-H.com slash Dadville. Code Dadville to take 20 % off. I'm going to say it again. Say it again. BowlinBranch.com slash Dadville. Code Dadville. Exclusions do apply. No more wetsuit sheets. Never again. Again.

47:50wherever you get your podcasts. Just search Hardcore Con.

47:54Jon McLaughlin:I like that outlook on it, you know? Not wanting, you know, like those mentors could have probably given you, like, here's what, you know, the snares were for me. And maybe that would have given, maybe that would have been helpful. It would have. But it maybe would have given you some false sense of like readiness or whatever and i like i like that it's really just about like whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen you just gotta have your guys with you yeah through it i like that i i think that there's a there's a level of embarrassment that people have a shame that they don't necessarily want to hey like expose about themselves um i'm a little self deprecating right especially men so i like sharing like look man this is what i did because i don't like people's expectations to be too high you know what i'm saying i want you to know you come over you might see some laundry on the floor don't think too high of me please you know what i'm saying i might curse you out like who knows what happens over here you understand so so i i i like that i like that honesty because when you're new especially when you're coming from somewhere like a broken home you can have a tantrum about normal things but you don't it's not normalized so it's not normal um my wife wanted to uh she was having a catastrophe she was going through something and she was uh ideating very harmful thought and she told me that she needed to go away to a silent retreat and that she would be gone for three weeks and i said where she was like in the woods and i I was like, girl, I've seen you in the woods.

49:38I've never seen you use a compass once.

49:41Jon McLaughlin:It doesn't go well. Right. If you lose my five, who knows where you're going to end up, right? You don't carry no bear spray. You don't have situational awareness. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know what you're talking about. So the fact that my wife wanted to leave me for three weeks to go to a silent retreat where she was with a therapist and she was going to be, like, really going through a lot of that. you know, family of origin stuff. I was too immature. I had a tantrum. I didn't know that that is something that somebody would need. But if someone would have told me, hey, there might be a time where your love and your hope for your wife is not enough.

50:26She's going to need somebody around her. And it was E.T. this same time, Eric Thomas. I was talking to his friend and I told him I said I was anxious and I was discouraged because my wife left. My sister had just passed away. I was freaking out. And so he was like, so E.T. called me. He was like, yo, I heard you were nervous about letting your wife leave. Tell me about that. I said, I'm anxious. I think something's going to happen to her. And he said, OK, your wife has been operating at 20 percent for the last 10 years. and because she is the Michael Jordan on your team we want her at 100 so can you allow your wife to go away for three weeks so we can at least identify what she needs in order to get her to 100 so that you guys can operate in the greatness that you want and I said yeah I can do that because i do want my wife at 100 um and like normalizing those type of conversations yeah yeah it's really important because what happens is we see disney we see rom-com and we think fairy tale right we don't know what it's like truly to walk in marriage or walk through fatherhood we just don't know the stories are not real yeah they're fabricated well and it's funny too that we think we know that that's what i kept thinking as you were talking to glenn it's like for some reason we think life should go like we natively know everything we need to know inside of ourselves and that the need for anybody else is failure that that somebody call me and be like hey man like i've been noticing this thing and it's making me a little nervous about you and i'm like exactly well i did something wrong and then it's like and i think to your point i love that were, but normalizing the fact that we don't know everything and we need so desperately people to walk alongside us and sort of say, Hey, you got this blind spot.

52:27There's this semi coming up hot on your left and you got your turn, you're going to get blinker on, you know? And I think that it's, it's really revolutionary, you know, to, to give yourself the grace of like, Oh yeah, I don't, I don't know. And I think that, and I think what I've found in community is it's just a muscle. It's like, the more you do it, the more you get okay with going like, Like, yeah, I do need this help. And not only do I need it, but gosh, is it beneficial. And then it's like the more you do it, the more you want to do it.

52:54Jon McLaughlin:It keeps you in that posture of humility too. Yeah. Yes. And I think it's so hard to do what you're encouraging guys to do. Like once you do it, once that first guy starts actually sharing real things, Not the thing that you could share that would be just vulnerable enough but safe. The one underneath that that you don't want to share. Once you start sharing that, every time it works. Every time. But it's really hard for men especially to do that and to keep it going. And I was just going to say quickly, Glenn. And I think something that's so beautiful about this book and what I think a big part of your kind of sort of messaging has always been that if, man, we can show our kids that.

53:50Yeah. What a gift to take the burden off your kids. Right. Like you got to be good at everything all the time. Right. Yeah. And you need to know everything you know. But, man, what a gift that when they see me in friendship with other men that love me and care for me and that I can look at them and go like, oh, I don't know. like dad how you do this i don't know let's call let's call he knows how to do it let's talk to him and it's like i'm showing them like i don't know everything and you don't need to know everything that's not the point right but we got we i know somebody does know that or i know somebody that can help me out and i think for me man that is a gift i really want my kids to get from me it's like i don't know everything like and it's that's great that's good because you know that's i'm a human you know and so then it takes that weight off of them of feeling like i gotta move through the world know everything yeah and it's like no you don't you know and you know it's crazy it's like i talked about the fellowship that like the one-to-one fellowship uh and i have to say that the book does drop on november 4th you gotta know that that's come on come on you can pre-order it now and what are we doing what are we doing i don't know you guys are all over the place let's get it though so we so the book drops november 4th but i want to tell you uh one book that i was like man i love this book and it's so great uh was intentional father by john john tyson such a solid project i can't he intimidates me those thoughts i'm like how are you doing all of these things with your children yeah he's a real one you know i'm saying he's a real one some of the questions he put there some of the assignments he told us to do you know what i'm saying i thought that was a great book uh but i wouldn't even have checked it out if i didn't have a friend like jefferson bethke right oh yeah who you just watch them right you gotta be you have to be um looking for people who are doing that real work and asking questions man is it really like that what is it what is it costing you to do that wow what is it costing you like to work on that relationship like and i asked what is your schedule he's like man you know this is when he was living hawaii it's like yo i'll wake up at 4 a.m i go to the gym and then i do all my work and it's done by 12 so I can help my wife homeschool.

55:56Like, what? You know what I'm saying? Like, different person, right? And then I think it's important for young men to serve families, okay? We are in a space where women have access. Young women have access to families. They get to see it, right? If I didn't have access to my homie Pat and his family, I wouldn't have ever wanted to be a dad. He was my proof. He was my like, oh, you can have five daughters. It's six now. Six daughters. They all be in the house. And everybody's like pray for Pat right now. Six daughters. Because I just started sweating immediately. Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord. But let me tell you how it is full circle.

56:40Right. I'm watching him and I was like, oh, I can be a dad. I can do this. I can work hard. I can have these conversations. He's talking to me, dropping gems. And I said, Pat, why did you allow me in your house? like you didn't even know me like that right one he's a pastor but he said glenn because you made yourself available you would get off of work from the men's warehouse and just show up to serve the kids at the church in a suit you ain't even you wouldn't you change your clothes right and you kept accepting the invitations with those kids and it allowed me to be like yeah anytime i told you something you did it you listened well pat a great man love him to death i mentioned him in the book um he started going crazy on exercise and worked out like crazy and then um he became an iron man and he was like in like the top percentage of his age bracket you know doing all this and i'm just kind of like man this dude's crazy like super dope and then i think his second iron man um a car gets onto the the the track the the course and pat's going down the hill and he he and another person hits the car um he's in he's in utah um and it's like halloween night or something like that it's close holy cow so i get the news that this this man just you know had this accident and they said like he was found like without a heartbeat right

58:08Jon McLaughlin:Oh, my gosh. And so I booked a flight immediately. And, you know, he's in the hospital. He, you know, they revived him or whatnot. He lost a lot of blood. He's banged up. And I sat there next to him and I'm like just looking at him. And I was like, I have to see it. He was like, what do you mean? I was like, I have to see how you go through this and get back up because I'm going to need this message, right? I've already watched you, father. Now I have to see you. I have to see what your life looks like after this. And he told me, he was like, you know, I feel so bad because I spent all this time training and I feel like I could have been just with my family.

58:56All I want to do is be with my family. And I'm listening to him. Of course, he's on drugs. Like he's medicated. You know what I mean? So he's saying everything. But I had to see it because I needed proof that one day I might fall and I might need time and I need to feel what that looks like. All his daughters are in the room, his babies, his son-in-laws, the Mormon community came through. I just had to see what it looks like. And I don't know if we as men search for proof. We're not going around looking for fathers doing it well. And I think that is a problem is that we don't have enough proof.

59:41So belief in fatherhood was meant to show I'm not just going to do it right all the time. You know what I'm saying? You're going to see every part of it. So that when I drop a book, you would understand.

59:54Jon McLaughlin:Well, so to that point, the video that I mentioned earlier, I was watching where you were talking about when you mess up. you had put out a video where you talked about you had kind of messed up as a father with your family. But then this video that I watched was about reconciliation. And what I really loved about it, I love, I mean, we talk all day about fatherhood on this podcast. I really love when somebody gives you, like you were saying, John Tyson did in his book, Give me some tangible, like, here's some things you can do when you find yourself in this position, which I can only speak for myself.

1:00:38Jon McLaughlin:I find myself in this position to different degrees all the time where I'm laying in bed at night and thinking about how I didn't quite nail it that day as a dad. So, like I said, it was a longer video. Everybody should check that video out in addition to buying the book on November 4th. but can you talk a little bit about that video on reconciliation? I've done a couple. I don't know which one you're talking about, but I would say that there is a process to reconciling. I think that the issue isn't so much reconciling, it's identifying why you need to reconcile in the first place, right? And that's because you may have lost trust.

1:01:28Yeah. Okay. Now, when someone doesn't trust you, you can't get right to reconciliation. You have to admit or at least agree that you're untrustworthy. Of course. Of course you don't trust me. Right? Like I recognize the fact that I put you in a position to feel in danger and you might need to protect yourself. And so how can I put up a shield with you, right, before I ask you to let your guard down, right? So let me protect myself, protect you from me by at least recognizing, hey, there's a problem here. I screwed up. We can't talk about reconciliation unless we're even able to confess, I'm sorry, I did this.

1:02:27Right. And then is I am willing to work in this specific way to prove to you that you can trust me again. Right. So I you have to develop a plan. I have plans with all the kids. Right. I have plans with my wife. I've there was a point where my wife was like, you know. I don't believe you really want to work you know and I was like I'm a rapper you know what I'm saying what are you talking about you married a rapper what do you mean of course I don't want to work I want to rap what are you talking about like you're just figuring this out yeah and she's like you know that's fine but like why are you so like against working whatever job to put food on the table and I had this like thing where I wanted to work a certain type of job.

1:03:25And I was talking to Pat, right? And she she told on me, she, you know, they're our mentor couple, right? Him and his wife. So she told on me, man, I'm sitting there in front of Pat and his wife. And he's like, he's like, why? Why should she trust you? I was like, because I married her. He's like, you still got to prove to her that you're willing to do the work, man. What's wrong with you? Right. So I'm like, all right, fine. I'll apply for Target whatever you know what I'm saying I had to prove to her that I would do anything so I ended up working as a and shout out to all the CNA's out there you know what I'm saying all the caregivers I was a CNA I was a caregiver and I remember my wife every time I come home she'd be like how was your day I can't even tell you about it.

1:04:20I can't even relive it. So one time, you know, you got to wipe the people's butt. That's just kind of part of the job. And every morning, man, this dude would have coffee with Miralax and prunes. Oh, bro. And I was getting mad.

1:04:37Jon McLaughlin:He's just staring at you the whole time he's drinking it. And then, bro, he had this toilet in his house. And, you know, So, like, immediately after he ate breakfast, he had to run to the toilet. So, he has a walker, and I'm going to make sure he doesn't fall. Then he gets to the toilet. I got to pull down his pants. But I couldn't wipe his butt from the back. I had to go under. Oh, wow. So, I'm wiping his butt, and, like, pee dropped right here, right where the glove ended, and my sleeve stopped. And I promise. Bullseye. I like shivered with like, oh, God, I'm proving it to my wife. You know what I'm saying?

1:05:16Like it all was like I'm willing to do anything. Right. And I'm sitting here like begrudgingly doing this job. And I know that I'm doing good work, but I hated it. But I didn't care what it would cost me to prove to her that I loved her. And each child deserves that. That's all great. But the problem is you got to reconcile with yourself for seasons in your life where you weren't doing your best. You know, you have to reconcile with yourself for friendships you let slip through your grasp or people you hurt along the way. And so as much as I'm like, man, yeah, I have to do this for my kids and for my family.

1:06:03That's easy. But when you're talking about like forgiving yourself truly, right? And this is someone dealing with shame, struggle, you know, with self-harm, guilty, you know, for how I live my life and my past, abused mentally and physically. Like I have a lot of shame attached to the decisions I make. And so a part of that is like, yo, I'm not here to be guilt tripped by my children or whatever or my wife. I'm really here because I'm like, yo, I deserve to like feel a part of my family and feel loved as well, even by me. I'm gonna be honest, man. The state of fatherhood and the state of husbands, like how I've seen it.

1:06:55there's like, oh man, this guy only cares about himself. He's so selfish, super ambitious, right? Or there's like this self-loathing, I do everything for my family. There's a middle ground that we have to work on to where we are acknowledging all of our ambitions, but we're also setting our children up to be ambitious, right? and not putting the ministry and the work before the family. So there's some nuance there that, yeah, you can do both, but really it starts with you. You have to lead yourself. And how are you guys doing? You guys feel like you're doing a great job fathering yourself. Do you feel good in your own head?

1:07:43I mean, I definitely acknowledge when you're laying it out

1:07:47Jon McLaughlin:and you're talking about the sacrificing for your wife and showing your wife you'll do anything. I think the part in that video specifically that I really resonated with was you have to show the cost. Like you have to pay something for this kind of thing. Yes. You have to show your kids that I am going to, there's no selfish endeavor here. There's no overlap. I'm doing this just for you. Yes. all of that is easier than doing it just for myself or forgiving myself for something, letting myself feel like I deserve to be, like you said, an equal part of this family. And that's a tricky, I don't know exactly why that is, you know, but I will acknowledge that that is the tougher part of that equation, I think.

1:08:43Yeah. yeah I mean that it's so funny Andy and I had this exact my wife and I had this exact sort of same conversation in the last week just talking about ambition and career and stuff and it was really interesting because it's like you know I think life is full of so many seasons but you know I think the trick and I don't know if you feel this way Glenn but like when you work a job that doesn't have like hour hours you know what I mean you're kind of your own boss you're working when you need to um you know like john and i both this way like we're pretty involved like you know i mean like we're running getting kids dropping them off doing the thing taking them to practice and stuff because you know our job is flexible that way which is great but i think like it was really sweet annie like in the last week was like hey like i feel like we're at a really good place if you feel like you know you kind of need to get out there and and try some things you know and yes It was really crazy because where we ended up landing was I was amazed at how much I had just sort of like not shut that off at any.

1:09:49That's not what I'm trying to say. But I think I was like, I just haven't even sort of thought that way in a while because I know like, hey, I need to be around. I need to help. And God in his kindness has let me be able to do that, which is so great. And I'm so thankful for that. But it's been like a weird mind tweak to sort of go like, what do I want to do? And so I think for us, it's just this funny conversation of her basically being like, hey, if you need to, like, hey, kids are great. I feel like we got the thing, it's pretty sussed out. We got the people where we need to be and everything.

1:10:25And the kids are old enough to where they're not quite as needy that way. And so now it's this interesting season of going like, oh, man, all right. Like, what does this mean? And then having to deal with some of my own stuff again, sort of, that's like, because ambition to me is a really tricky thing. So it's like, you know, having to square up. Guilty for having it. Yeah. And I think, too, it's hard to not. I mean, I think every man probably has a different struggle. But I know mine is like, you know, ambition, you know, can take you away from your family. It, like, takes you away from the one thing I'm like, you know, it feels like that's the one thing I know I'm supposed to do is be a dad.

1:11:00The rest is a little up in the air, you know. and so I think engaging with that again is a really is a really interesting um yeah plight but I think and the last thing I'll say is which I think is so well that you said is like it's really important my kids see me hustle like they need to see like you know like you you got to try you got to like you got to get out there and do the thing and um and so I think that's important too you know and that's something that Amy was really saying too is like you know I think it's good when our kids see like hey you gotta you gotta hustle like dad's out there doing it what Oh, rest.

1:11:32Yeah. What is that? I just heard white noise when you said that. Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, no.

1:11:40Jon McLaughlin:I think that's the other. Yeah, rest is harder. Yeah, yeah. Your kid's seeing you rest, right? Yeah. I've been watching. I've been studying fatherhood for a long time. Shaq recently was talking to his oldest son. I forget his name. But he was asking him, are you ready? Because his son was thinking about going in the league. He was like, are you ready for what comes with this life? You know, I wasn't at every birthday party. I wasn't at Christmas. I wasn't at the games. Are you ready, essentially, to go after this life where you know you're going to put everything behind your first love is basketball?

1:12:14Yeah. And then, you know, I watched LeVar Ball put everything into his three sons and essentially not care for himself to, you know, lose his leg to diabetes. right um i think it's it's as important and this is what i'm learning now in the season uh for my children to hear me process and say um i want to be there uh but i also know that i have to rest because that's really important and practicing the sabbathes together as a family and we're putting that into practice this weekend that's great because i just got back in town but I think it's important for them to see all of dad yeah I love I love tennis it's like a passion of mine my wife and I started playing together uh once we got started dating and last year she got sick got the chicken pox bomb from our kids right oh yeah and couldn't go to the U.S.

1:13:19Open she got me tickets to go and I went by myself with a homie of mine I had the time of my life me and him watching tennis loving the game getting to know each other growing like it was really really dope here my homie and then my wife was like yo I was like I'm trying to go to the U.S. Open this year and she was like yeah I want to go this time because I didn't get to go last year and I was like you know what's crazy she was like what I was like I kind of want to go with Kier again I don't want to go with you I want to go with Kier and she was like what? and I mean I look stupid, I felt stupid but I was being honest you guys are getting red as I'm talking you're nervous for me right?

1:14:09so I just wanted to tell her the truth, my wife whenever she wants to go anywhere, she stay at home mom, get out of here, yesterday go, go, go Yeah. Yeah. So she's been on trips, cruises, all types of stuff. You know what I'm saying? And this is the first time I'm like asking to do something without her because when my wife is with me, there's work. She gets to turn a part of her brain off. You know what I'm saying? She doesn't have to think about what she wants to eat. She'll look at a menu and be like, what do you think I want? And I tell her what she wants. I love her well. And I finally found something that I was like, hey, I want to go do this again with the homie.

1:14:48I want to relive this experience. Now we could go together, sit apart. She could take a friend or whatever. But I had to make sure that my kids saw me advocating for myself in a way. Right. Because I, I have been suffering. I have been putting it all on the line for the sake of me not redoing what, you know, my parents it to me and passing that trauma bag in my luggage yeah right so i've been doing all that work i deserve i need the time to experience life apart from being a husband and a father right because what we like to do is say our work is also our passion and it's also our mission but man go get a hobby yeah yeah yeah you know it's okay for us to rest yeah well and i mean your kids a good way

1:15:41Jon McLaughlin:for me to frame it is like your kids are going to be in this position at some point yes they're going to be talking to their spouse feeling like this is kind of what i feel like i would like to do this would be you know and so you're going to tell them by how you handle it today what they're allowed to feel you know yes like this is okay for you to say this you can be honest in this moment you know and and have a conversation about it or whatever yes sir that's good glenn you're the man thank you so much for your time again november 4th father yourself first comes out glenn we love what you are doing so thankful you get to be in our our world and we get to chat with you it's always so challenging and uh and it's just great man love what you're Keep doing it.

1:16:30Thank you. I would love to see y 'all in person next time I come in and ask. I know. Come through. Come through. Yeah, let's get a hobby together, play video games. Let's play some tennis, man. John is an avid tennis player. Come on. Okay, let's do that. That's what I want. That's what I want. Hey, anything else you want to talk about that's coming out that you're excited about, people they know about? Yeah, I'm after this book, right? if I if I do well with this book uh the music that I have coming out is so good um it dives deep into a lot of the healing that I've had to do um from you know trauma from my my childhood and my my sister passing away and all that and um this heart for men uh it's it's it has a lot to do with that so first things first is father yourself for father yourself first on November 4th and then music will be there so definitely tap in with me on Instagram and follow us for sure awesome thank you for your time this was great we'll see you soon peace

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