3 Things to Avoid Doing With Someone Who Has Dementia (And What to Do Instead)

0:00Three things to avoid doing with somebody who has dementia and what you can do instead. In June 2017, I recorded a video on three things to never do with somebody who has dementia, but I didn't do a very good job at saying, well, what the heck do you do instead? So in this video, I want to share some strategies that you can start using today to make life more peaceful for you and your loved one. Also, I want to show you the cutest bag that I designed. It is handmade. It says, be kind to caregivers. It is so freaking cute. It's got a zipper so you can keep everything safe inside. It's so beautiful.

0:39It's even got a zipper here. It comes with this little baggie attached. And I'm going to be giving some away for free. If you are not on my email list, get on my email list. It's totally free. You'll be signed up for my weekly dementia dose email, which goes out every Thursday. It's filled with a bunch of helpful information. You can unsubscribe at any time. Careblazers.com. Sign up for the email list. That being said, let's talk about this. So three things to avoid doing with somebody who has dementia. I changed the title slightly because in some cases, we do want to do these things. In the previous video, I said never do these things.

1:16But of course, there's always exceptions to every rule. So let's get started. Maybe we'll start with a simple one first. One thing to avoid doing with somebody who has dementia, easiest one we could do, is literally don't correct them. Don't correct the person with dementia. Your energy is so precious. Everything you have to do, manage, keep a hold of, the relationship you have with your loved one is so important. Why would we correct them when it is unnecessary? How do we know it's unnecessary? Because it is not creating an imminent safety risk to them or to somebody else. So if they are not putting themselves at risk or putting somebody else at risk, by all means, let them do it wrong.

1:58Let them say it wrong. That is what we want to do to make life easier for you, easier for them, maintain a good relationship between you two. One of the stories that I write in the book is basically about a Careblazer who asked me initially for what activities can I get her husband to do? Like, what activity ideas do I have for her to try with her husband? So, of course, before you answer a question, you get more information. I'm like, well, what does he enjoy doing now? and she tells me her husband has always enjoyed reading the Wall Street Journal. He's done it for much of their marriage every morning, wakes up, reads it.

2:36But she noticed recently when she asks him about what he read, he couldn't remember details. He had no idea. And so she took that to mean he needs to do something else. But he was pleasantly engaged in the activity. He wasn't distressed that he wasn't remembering anything. It actually turns out it really wasn't her husband struggling with activity. It was Donna. It was Donna going through grief of watching her husband no longer having the ability that he has always had. So in this situation, she didn't need to correct her husband at all. She didn't need to change anything. She can let her husband keep doing the activity he enjoys, even if he's not doing it well, even if he's not remembering what he reads.

3:18It wouldn't have even mattered if he read upside down. As long as he seemed pleasantly engaged, we can let our loved ones do things wrong and say things wrong. The only time we really want to correct and intervene is if there is a safety risk and you don't have to do it in front of them if possible. There's another story in the book about a patient I was working with told me he was drinking six beers a day and his family member didn't correct him. Well, it turns out they were non-alcoholic beers, but she didn't want him to know that. So she got me in private to tell me that. She didn't correct him.

3:50So Careblazer, do not correct. Let them do it wrong. Let them say it wrong. Unless there's an imminent safety threat, this one's easy. We don't really need to do much at all. All right, let's go into the second thing to avoid doing. The story I have for you on this one might be hard for you to hear. However, I hope you will stay open to hearing the message about it. So number two, do not argue, which of course seems on the surface like, of course, we wouldn't want to argue with our loved ones with dementia. But take a reflection on how things have been maybe over the past month, have you found yourself caught in an argument with your loved one?

4:26So this is something that can come in handy. This strategy is called do less to de-escalate. In the book I write, I once witnessed a powerful example of this during a live video call with members of our care collective. While one caregiver was on the call, her husband who had dementia began yelling at her from across the room. He used vulgar language and accused her of lying. His voice was angry and loud. Everyone on the call could hear it. Most of us braced ourselves, expecting her to react or disengage. Instead, she looked at him calmly and said, I know, honey. I'm sorry. I'll get better, my love.

5:05Then she turned back to the screen and continued to participate in our conversation as if nothing had happened. It was a masterclass and responding without escalating. Afterward, someone asked her, how do you stay so calm? She answered without hesitation, that's not him. Careblazer, in a situation where maybe your loved one is calling you nasty names or accusing you of lying or saying something about you that's not true, it is going to be so easy with every ounce of our being to want to defend ourselves, to want to correct them, to tell them that is rude and that is not okay. You, by all means, can continue to do that.

5:45You are their primary Care Blazer. You can interact with them however you want to interact with them. However, if you are like many of the Care Blazers I have worked with, sometimes you trying to correct them or argue with them in that way makes things worse. Because number one, they're living in a different reality or whatever they believe is true, and they don't really see things from our reality, which is why I'll get into the reasoning next, the reasoning tip. But also they might not be able to remember what you said. They might not be able to process the information you are giving. Sometimes we interact with people who have dementia as if they don't have dementia.

6:23We interact with them expecting the same behaviors and mannerisms and manners and socially appropriate behaviors that we have expected of them most of their life. But their brain cells are dying, especially if people are having frontal lobe problems, executive functioning problems, it causes them to sometimes say and do things that you and I would point blank say is rude and unacceptable. But if your loved one is not able to see it that way, if they don't have the brain ability to grasp onto that information, you continuing to remind them of it, again, depletes your precious energy and makes more strain between you and them.

7:03So what do we do instead when you find yourself pulled to try to defend yourself or argue with them, you can literally do what this Careblazer did, which is do less to de-escalate. There's more to the strategy. Starts on page 86 of the book if you want to take it further. So we talked about do not correct, do not argue. Let's get into one that's a bit more complicated and I have adjusted since the original video in 2017. In 2017, I said do not reason with somebody who has dementia. Trying to reason with somebody who has dementia is like trying to convince a blind person to see by looking harder.

7:40It is not possible. They are often living in a different reality with different beliefs based on what their brain has filled in. And it might not be with the truth or what is accurate. So the reality you are living in and the reality they are living in are often two different things. When we try to reason with them, it makes everything worse with one exception. You can reason with them from their reality. So instead of you trying to get them to understand your reality, which you know to be true, you just join their reality and reason with them from that point of view. Which brings me to the third tip here that we can use, which starts on page 102 of the book.

8:24It's called Reason from Their Reality, and I'll read you the story that goes along with it. Brenda was caring for her husband who had dementia. Before his diagnosis, he had owned a successful insurance company, which their son had since taken over. One night, Brenda woke up to find her husband convinced that a client had broken down on the side of the road and urgently needed their insurance paperwork. No matter what she did, he would not believe her when she told him it was not true. Desperate to calm him down, she called their son for advice. Her son had taken over the family business years earlier.

9:00Her son had an idea. Instead of trying to convince his father that the situation was not real, he told him that he had already delivered the insurance paperwork to the client and everything was taken care of. That simple explanation, one that made sense within her husband's reality, instantly calmed him down. Trying to reason someone with dementia into seeing things your way rarely works. That kind of logic depends on memory and insight that may no longer be available. So Careblazer, when you find yourself wanting to reason with them, wanting your loved one to understand what you understand, use that as a little warning, a little red flag, like, wait a minute, what are they believing?

9:44And how can I say something that makes sense for what they believe? Again, it's woven, interwoven with the do not correct. We don't have to correct them and what they believe. We don't have to correct him to say, you're not working at the insurance company anymore. You haven't worked there for years. You're retired. We don't have to correct him at all. There was no imminent safety danger here, right? He hadn't gotten into the car to drive in the middle of the night. He hadn't done that yet. She just needed to find a way to give him a response that makes sense in his world. That is what we are looking at.

10:16And in the book, there are questions and prompts and exercises to help you through, but there's also a free PDF workbook that I have put together that helps you take these strategies and apply them to your specific situation. Again, you can download that for free by going to www.careblazers.com slash toolkit, and you can find out how to download that workbook there. Careblazer, thank you for doing what you are doing for your loved one. Let me know what other questions you might have. I'm so excited to start this next chapter with all of you as the dementia care toolkit comes to life and we create a bunch of cool, fun ways to come together, to learn, to improve our lives, and to give back to the community and to other Careblazers who are really wanting support.

10:57I'm sending you so much love. Bye. Also, Nico gets a belly rub for every person who subscribes from this video. So if you haven't already, click the red subscribe button. It's totally free. And Nico says, thank you very much.