The One Thing I Wish Every Dementia Caregiver Would Do

0:00There is one piece of advice that actual caregivers tell me over and over and over they wish they knew sooner. and I realized yesterday what they're saying is wrong. It's not that they wish they knew it sooner. It's actually they already knew it. They knew it from the moment caregiving really took over their lives. They've heard it over and over again. It's not that they didn't know it. It's that they didn't implement it. They didn't think it was possible or important enough and I want to talk about it today because it came up yesterday and I have the most beautiful example to share. Care Blazer, real quick, if you learn better by watching things, then you can hop on over to my YouTube channel where I post these podcasts in video format, sometimes have different visuals to help people learn even better.

0:51You can just type in Care Blazers into YouTube and I will pop up. All right, let's get back to today's podcast. So yesterday I was giving a talk to a group of caregivers. Well, at the end of the talk, somebody raised their hand and said in front of the whole audience, like, I am really trying to get my husband to stop driving. I don't think he is safe to drive anymore. And this is a common thing that happens. And she's heard the generic advice before, take away the car keys, disable the car, remove the car from view, you start driving, you become the chauffeur, all of the things we have all heard over and over again, which if those work for you, fantastic, wonderful.

1:28But the truth is, with dementia care, these generic tips often don't work so broadly to everybody. We need to tweak them. We need to personalize them. And she told me I've tried all those things and they do not work. So we started talking, the time ran up. And afterwards I'm hanging out and people are coming up to talk to me. I'm about to leave. When she comes up to me, she goes, Oh my gosh, I have the solution. I'm like, what? You have the solution? And she was like, yes, her husband pretty much only insisted on driving to make sure the battery stayed okay and check the fluids. He didn't really have anywhere he wanted to go.

2:08And he readily, easily accepted her when she, like, if they went together, she would just drive. And she said, I totally forgot about this. But a while back, the firefighter in our town, one of the firefighters asked, if you ever sell this truck, like, can you give me like first dibs at making you an offer? And so she's like, it's time to sell the truck. And we have the firefighter who wants it. And my husband would feel really good about that situation. And then he would have this extra money. And I said, wow, like you just thought of that now. And she's like, yeah, I just remember the conversation.

2:41And it wasn't until I started brainstorming and talking out loud to you that that even came back to me. And I said, that's it. Bingo. This is the importance of approaching problems with an openness and with a curiosity rather than being closed in a criticism and a pessimism and a feeling like I've already tried everything. It won't work. And it's so easy, especially in support groups, to just go on this complaint train where we're just going to talk about all the hardships and what's not working. But when you switch it, you can still have the same problem. And instead of focusing on these are the things that are not working, It's like, okay, what other options are there?

3:25What other things are there? We started talking before she came to the solution. We were talking about, well, why does he drive? Where does he want to go when he drives? That's when we discovered the battery. That's when we discovered the fluids. We could have made some intervention around that as well. This is why generic advice is generic. We need to apply it to our own personal situation. What does this have to do with how I started the video on one of the top pieces of advice that caregivers tell me that they wish they knew sooner? And I am saying they already knew it. They just didn't do it until it felt like it was absolutely necessary.

3:57And I am begging you right now, if you are on this channel and you have watched any of my videos, start today. This is the time for you to do it. And it's basically start prioritizing your own needs, your own desires, your own heart. Start prioritizing your own life. And how are these related? It's related because what we did yesterday together was we problem-solve together. We talked about something. We approached it from a curiosity and an openness. Where do you get that? You get that from friendships, from connections, from really great support groups. And that's what she said to me. She goes, I just realized I've been so isolated.

4:37I had nobody to talk to. Like, yes, we all have heard it is important to have people to talk to, to have friendships, connections, support groups, things like this, but how many of us are doing it? How many of us are doing it with an open heart and finding other like-minded people who also want to do it with an open heart, who also want to find ways to improve? Like I say in this book, everything doesn't have to be better for you to feel better. And that's the whole premise of it. So I am asking you today, What can you do for yourself starting now with the limited resources you have, with the limited time, limited money, limited social connection, no family, whatever.

5:21We know the reasons. We know all of the challenges. We know all of the obstacles and the roadblocks. What could you do? I want you to explore that with openness and curiosity. Is it protecting 10 minutes of your morning before you leave the room? to meditate, to pray, to put lotion on yourself, to listen to a good music? Is it a 10-minute phone call with a friend where you have a deal with a friend that, hey, when I call you, we don't say the D word. We don't mention dementia at all. Tell me what you're watching on TV. Tell me something that happened in your life. Tell me a good story. Careblazers, take control over what you can take control over.

6:00Now, I mentioned generic advice often doesn't work. How in the world could I write an entire book on tools that you can use? Real help for challenging behaviors and caregiving overwhelm? How in the world can I write a book like that? And it helps you if generic advice doesn't work. It's because besides just giving you actual tips and strategies, basically my top tips and strategies, like the essentials, because I know you are limited on time and energy, It teaches you how do you be this person who is resilient and who is creative and who is open. And when you order this book, you also get a free workbook that comes with it for you to apply it to your own situation.

6:39A free over 200 page workbook you can download, you can write in it, you can type in it, and you can say like this strategy really worked, this one didn't. You can write your own notes. You become your own best resource and advocate. it. So rather than waiting to get answers for the next support group or the next appointment, which there's nothing wrong with that, keep doing that. It's important. But you also know how to look within yourself for the answer. Just like this Careblazer in the audience who's like, oh my god, I just thought of the answer. Yes, there is so much wisdom inside of you, but we shut it off when we close ourselves off and we keep telling ourselves the story that I have tried everything and nothing works.

7:18Careblazer, I'm sending you so much love. Thank you for doing what you're doing for your loved one. Truly, I know it is difficult. I know it is hard. I know it is not easy. But do you know what else is hard and not easy? Not learning how to apply strategies, not learning how to manage our own mind and our own thoughts, not learning how to rely on ourselves and realize that you have answers and wisdom within that you can access. And because of stress and fatigue and overwhelm and limited resources, we have started to quiet that part of ourselves and we've started to shut off our mind. And I'm here to tell you, we can turn it back on.

7:52All right, Care Blazer, I'm sending you so much love. Bye. Also, Nico gets a belly rub for every person who subscribes from this video. So if you haven't already, click the red subscribe button. It's totally free. And Nico says, thank you very much.