Anything Goes (Part 3)

0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around. Lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them, and squeezed out the truth.

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2:00Good evening, gentle listeners, guild, or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Marooned Mark talks exploding dongs, then gives us a threequel. Bijou Bob makes everyone come while stuffing, waxes wicked Mr. Presley, and constantly combabilates. Witching Wade is dubbed Uatu due to Gen V, but raises Vegemite, Hentai, and Bald Eagles. From slaughtering podcasts to samurai bears, it's time for Anything Goes Part 3. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

2:52Welcome to Distractable! The only show you'll ever need because we killed all the others ones! I - We killed them dead. We snuck into their apartments and now those shows don't exist anymore. Yeah, we killed all those others ones! Metaphorically, of course. By being so good? What, you mean that episode where we insulted them all? finally worked yes they're all gone yes and now people only have us well you know i don't know if the world would be a better place if we were the only podcast in the world but i know it wouldn't be a worse place well hey his point is arguable his point is arguable it's up to you if you want to argue with though no i choose not to but it's arguable that's raining out i'm too tired today.

3:46Given that it's the pod-capocalypse. Pod-cap-a-lick-a - pod-capocalypse. Pod-cast-a-pocalypse? Pod-cast-a-pocalypse. Nope, that's not it. Pod-catholics. Yeah. Pod-catholics. Given that it's the pod-catholics, I forget my point I was gonna make. I was gonna say something clever and witty after that. I think I just rubbed bacon grease into my eye. Oh, dude. Is that a new skincare routine? For your eye skin? What do you keep at your desk? Mr. Clean and Bacon? No, I mean, I ate the bacon, but I didn't exactly wash my hands since that moment, so it doesn't sing. I'm fine. We can make some gravy in those keepers.

4:29My name is Mark Blair. I'm gonna be the host today. I've got my scoreboard and I've got an episode idea, and the people that I'm gonna subject to my whims is these guys. Bob. And Wade. That's us, baby. Yeah, only one of them is gonna see the end of this episode. Well, I never watch our episode, so it'll probably be Wade, I guess. Am I representing the listeners again? But I can only hear the end. We represent the Listeners Guild. It's gonna be stuck in my head now. You did it. I don't take credit for that. Dude, I just got Pink Pony Club out of my head after the last, like, four days. I needed something else.

5:03This is fine. Is it Scary Movie 3 where they're like the killer videotape from the ring? They're like, we're playing it all day. Here it is again. They just keep playing the ring tape on repeat. I don't remember accurately enough to know, but. Oh, shizzle, Gizengar. Never mind. Look, Scary Movie 3 was a really, really funny movie. It shouldn't have been that funny. No. For being the third in the franchise and completely different directors. Third movies are often the best. Godfather Part 3, you know. The Matrix Revolutions. What's that one called? What's the third one called? Reload, revised. Frozen 3, I'm Melting.

5:43Oh, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. All right. Small talk. Man, it's been it's I don't want to date this episode too hard, but it is coming out the day after American Thanksgiving. I don't know if you could tell. I'm pretty sick. I did not sleep last night. I'm feeling great. And guests arrive at our house, which we moved into less than two weeks ago for Thanksgiving in approximately 30 hours. Totally ready. We have done all the grocery shopping and stuff. and we have a plan, but like I got a little sick over the weekend and I was like, all right, I'm on the other side. And then yesterday night, I just had a pretty miserable night.

6:21It's not the flu or anything. I took one of them nose tests, but boy, do I love getting sick right before hosting a house full of people I'm supposed to cook for. Do you have a moral responsibility to not host those people if you're sick? Cause you could get them sick. Possibly. I'm definitely at the point now where I don't, it's just a cold. I don't, I took a COVID flu test. It's none of those things and i'm like on i'm actually on the back side of it today and it's going away but i honestly don't know the thing is we're kind of it's all family and even if i told everyone like hey i'm sick i have cold so like you know it's up to you if you want to come pretty sure they would all just come anyway i don't they're not concerned about it and they'd rather just hang out i wouldn't pending menu thanksgiving food you mean pending menu i'd be there turkey stuffing You familiar?

7:09I've heard of it. Anyway, that's all that's been going on. Okay, I give you a point for being a plague bearer. Yeah, I'm patient zero. If our entire family's wiped out in two weeks, it's probably me. Probably whatever I had. I'm actually calling you plague host because, well, I guess you're not the host, but plague host sounds cool, and it sounds like a plague ghost, so there's multiple ways that you could have fun with that one. It sounds like premeditated scripted winning to me. Can I request to be called the original plague boy? Wade, you may be the original playboy Thank you, I'm not sick If you so choose You better get sick if you're gonna take that moniker I'll try Is that your sick voice?

7:50No, it's me, very sick boy Hello Very sick Oh man, I forgot that's what happens when Wade gets sick I hate it Oh man No, I just have a bad allergy, I've been good I've not done a whole lot, I've worked a lot Played some really great games. I was talking to Mark about all these great games he should try, but he's, you know, busy or something. I watched Gen V Season 2. I started watching Welcome to Dairy. I've caught up on a little bit of shows the last couple days. What is Gen V Season 2? Am I supposed to know what that is? So The Boys, the superhero show that's like real crazy, they have a spinoff called Generation V or Gen V.

8:27That's the juice they drink that makes them all super-de-duper, right? It is exactly the juice that they drink that makes them all super-de-duper. I watched Gen V season two, which I've been trying to watch for a couple months and just haven't had time caught up on that Started watching welcome to dairy but not all that's out yet. That's the penny wise It show. I do actually know that one. I think stranger things season five comes out this week And then fallout season two is coming out soon. I want to watch those as well So I've got a lot of shows I want to watch I watched the boys for a little bit And then all right, I know people probably have made this commentary a thousand times, but it just seems like the people that make that show just want to make the grossest shit possible to put on the grossest shit on the screen because I got to that episode and alright spoiler and or sensor warning skip ahead it's where the one that can shrink goes in do you know oh yeah I know exactly what you're talking about you mean the thing that everyone always theorized Ant-Man totally should do but Marvel would never allow well he went in the front didn't he was a pipe cleaner I got to there and I was like that's enough of this show for me I'm okay I'm just alright oh don't worry Gen V season 2 has it's own take on something similar oh good yeah so good the first time that's gonna get them to watch it I'm gonna call you the watcher thank you I know that character from Marvel's what if which I've not seen the last season or two of that but I don't I kind of like binge shows I'll watch a bunch of shows for like three days catch up be done and then I'll go the rest of the year be like oh there's all these shows I want to watch and then like just one random week of the year I'm like you know what this week I catch up on shows I haven't done that in a long time I hadn't uh but yesterday I was just like I'm taking a day and just watching stuff and being brain dead and having some brain rot I enjoyed it it was nice Well, that's good.

10:27That's good. The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7-Up. Flip the sip.

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12:03All right, you boys ready for an episode? Oh, I'm ready to rumble. I already did. So I have an idea here, and it's going to blow your minds. It's called Anything Goes Part 3, where I don't do shit and you guys have to go do that shit. All right. All right, man. All right. All right. All right. So here's the thing. We're going to flip the thing and you guys are going to take turns, very specifically take turns, giving me any kind of information or article or things happening in the world, try to keep them relatively topical that are going on, and then I will judge its worth. Heads is Wade this time.

12:53Because he's bald. I can see into the future that I'm going to win. All right. Heads! There you go. You get the go first point. That's okay, because I know I have something to talk about that there's a 0 % chance you're going to steal from me, Wade. I'm confident. Excellent. Well, I've got to take this before you find it. All right. And go. All right. This is three weeks old. I apologize for that, but I think it's worth. Soldier Boy's latest handhold console... Council? Consoles are out! Soldier Game Flip and Soldier Game X, now available for purchase. Game Flip? That's crazy. We've not had a Soldier Boy update in so long.

13:36Wait, what's the difference between those? No idea! But they're both original Soldier Boy ideas, and they are for sale. What's the price? Oh, it didn't say on this particular page. Let me see if I can find wait. What's the soldier game pro soldier game pros 177 75 But you can get it in black white or blue. Oh, yeah, there's the pro I See the soldier game and the time You hear I don't know what that sound is, but I don't care for it I don't know why it's I don't know why that's the sound effect

14:17All right. So the thing that people remind me that I forgot about the last anything goes is that I had a random timer and you only ever had that timer to say your entire story. And so now we can no longer talk about soldier boy. That has been done. There is no discussion to be had. And then Bob will go. And then Bob, you get a random time. I've said it between one second and three minutes. God, I hope it's one second. All right. A podcast that I follow. I think it may have I don't remember what it was I think it was an NPR podcast possibly an episode came on this week the new wicked movie came out which is the second movie of a play a musical that only that shouldn't have been two movies and the second act of which is barely even a thing and I thought it was really funny because the podcast is three people and they're going to talk about it and it's like two critics and then one other critic who's a huge wicked fan like uses the wicked loves it.

15:14Seen it on Broadway, loves it. And one of the ones who's not a huge fan went, fuck! Damn, that, I couldn't even give you a point for that. What was that, 28 seconds? That was 31 seconds. That was pretty close. 28 seconds later will be the sequel. Alright, so now we all know how the game goes. You gotta get your story out there quick. Or else you're never gonna know anything about it. I'm ready. Put me in, coach! Okay, ready? three two one go netflix announces 50 cent produced diddy documentary series proving it's all about the benjamins oh my god that was the whole sentence i didn't even get the whole sentence out well there's no way he gets a point for that four seconds four seconds sorry man i don't even know what you're talking about so i didn't can't give you any oh i should be used to only having four seconds my turn yeah your turn bob ready the clock starts when i start okay in bangkok a woman in thailand scared the shit out of several people when she started moving after they opened her coffin to cremate her she had been apparently decided to be dead put in a coffin and showed up at a crematorium or whatever you call it a place where they cremate dead remains so they can be sent to the crematorium and they opened the coffin to get the body out to chuck it in the furnace and she was all hey wait a minute and they were like what the fuck do you mean wait a minute get in the furnace or something i assume that's the exchange that they had did they put her in there the 65 year old woman's brother drove her from her province to this uh temple where they do the cremation i there's no information about how the brother got her into the coffin or if he's been arrested uh the brother had no official death certificate or anything he was just trying to get rid of his sister, I guess.

17:07I don't know. That was close if that was if they didn't know. She's fine now. The brother's story was that that woman had been bedridden for a couple years and that her health was in very bad shape. He thought that she had become unresponsive and appeared to stop breathing for more than a day before he decided she was dead and tried to bring her. Apparently, he also attempted to bring her to a hospital and the hospital was like nah dude and you can't get in one you go to the obvious next step which is i guess okay so he brought her to a hospital because she expressed a wish to donate her organs and the hospital was like we can't take random organs from this random dead that was great you got a lot of time for that one i was very responsive to the timer too i just i'm very i was being very respectful that is very good all right wade are you ready oh i'm ready should i go when you go or should i say three 3, 2, 1, go.

18:06Go when he goes. Give him the best shot. All right. Joe Burrow's back for the Cincinnati Bengals. They're spitting on people. They're concussed. They're injured. They're still better than the defense. The offense is somehow still outperforming the terrible defense. Worst defense maybe ever in the history of the NFL. Well, that's just not true. Wait, who's spitting on who? Oh, Jamar Chase was spitting on a defensive back from that other team we played. Yeah, Jalen Ramsey. At the end of the game two weeks ago Or over a little over a week ago Recording this Jalen Ramsey came at Jamar Chase And threw hands and punched him and everyone was like What the shit?

18:42And then like the next day It came out that the Bengals player Chase Had spit on him during the course Of the game because they had been Up on each other's bidness I don't know who started it but that was completely Unacceptable that he did that Yeah that's a ridiculous thing Honestly football like pro athletes punching someone with a helmet on in the helmet one stupid break your fingers two kind of like unacceptable bad example but I at least understand it's heated like these guys are fighting for their lives gets heated fine spitting on someone crazy ass choice yeah I don't like the spitting at all pretty ashamed of that pretty stupid you know I should have watched what it was I think there was another hook in the last game that I did of this they'll tell you and then that can be another episode premise that we do we'll do the perfectest anything goes wasn't it the last person talking wasn't it like the last person talking about that subject gets the point i think it may have been we definitely had an episode where whoever was talking when the timer went off got a point i have no idea if it was anything goes man i was so clever back then oh man what happened to me we were younger man now i gotta go pull up didn't we talk about that guy who stole his kids blood or whatever he's getting younger that was it that was it whoever was talking last got the point that's what it was I forgot alright everyone shut up that was three years ago I can't remember what happens that was over three years ago actually can you believe that I don't believe how long this has been happening no yeah I can't because I don't remember anything that happened last week I was thinking about whether I wanted Cheetos or Cheetos Puffs Puffs obviously I don't know sometimes I like the extra crunch.

20:25I do. Yeah. See, that's the thing. I like both. You know, Mandy hasn't worked out though. You know what it is. You have to get Cheetos puffs and then regular Flamin' Hot Cheetos and you, you consume them together in a mix because then you get the puffs and the crunch, but then you get the regular and the spicy and you can mix and match. Is this your topic? Should I have started the timer? Uh, I mean, it can be. All right. So to clarify for everyone that's very confused on how this episode is going because clearly rules only applied three years ago. The way this game works is I have a timer that's a random time and it's not just get the topic in, it's whoever's talking last gets the point.

21:04So I'm going to drop the time down to two minutes, which I believe is what I had before, and it's still one second to two minutes. so now there's two minutes or any random time in between and the last person talking goes first reminds me the munchies where you had like the pretzels and chips and i always thought those did not live up to the name i get what they're going for but it needs to be like i like them they were my dinner sometimes when i worked at udf it needs to be like way better if it's going to be called the munchies it's really not any more special than just like a chex mix it's just other checks like it's fine it's good it's fine it's good to me but i am the blandest person i know yeah you don't even like flavor on your food bob wins that boy good job bob i don't know what that was about cheetos yeah mandy's cheetos all right cool well good job bob you introduced it and you got the point there uh wade go oh oh man i was ready twitch oh twitch makes me so mad and happy depending on the day happy on payday mad the rest of the month that's a bad spread what's what's why are you so mad at bob wins good job bob you win i have a reason to tell you about but man i won't tell you you'll never know my twitch t it's okay i have a good one locked and loaded are you ready you better be because the timer started a missouri judge who wore an elvis presley wig in his courtroom and played the singer's music from his phone during court proceedings has agreed to a deal that will cut his career on the bench to an end he is going to step down judge matthew thornhill who is a judge in suburbanst louis faces a six-month unpaid suspension and he will resign after a disciplinary hearing where they had to discuss his elvis impersonation during court proceedings so he was actually elvis he was sitting on the bench and the defense attorney would be like objection your honor and he'd be like what does Elvis sound like I remember the classic Elvis Elvis stuff you know the jailhouse rock blue suede shoes and whatever hound dog I can't imagine a context in which this makes even the slightest bit of sense but what would you do if you were in court and your judge was just like an Elvis or was, you know, whatever.

23:27Wait, the judge was Elvis? I thought it was one of the other... It's the judge? No, this is the judge. This is the judge of the court. And Bob gets the point! Oh, that laugh almost got you in there, Wade. That chuckle would have counted. There's a little thing called guilty. You're going to prison. I mean, pretty much I would have concerns as a defendant. I mean, we can't talk about it. I'm not talking about it. Yeah, that topic is over and dead. Wade, are you ready? Oh, I'm ready. A prisoner in Australia is challenging the state's ban on inmates eating Vegemite, claiming that it is his human right to enjoy Vegemite.

24:06Vegemite, that's the right word. Yes. Okay, I confuse that with Vagisil sometimes, which is weird to say out loud, but my brain does. Why would you need to know what Vagisil is for any reason? In case I ever go to prison, I need to have my human right to Vagisil. Vegemite. Which one are we talking about? Vegemite! You brought up the topic I just didn't know there was a human right to Vegemite I'm gonna get you a tub A tub of Vegemite and a tub of Vegemite And Bob gets the point Alright great Vegemite Vegemite topic Darn you Bob we're talking in a normal Human cadence I'm just having a conversation There was so much more to this article we'll never know Vegemite Yeah Vegemite you get the Vegemite point But I'm trying to write down who brought it up and then draw an arrow to who gets the actual point.

24:53Do you remember henna and hentai? I used to confuse those. It's the same thing. I remember how you told a bunch of fans, including relatively young-ish fans, that you were getting a hentai tattoo. Yes. Yeah, they were with their parents at a convention. It's like, oh, loser gets a hentai tattoo. You guys should come watch. God. Yeah, I remember that. That was a good day. That was very funny. You did it a lot. You did it multiple times. That's not like after the fact embarrassment. I still get thinking about it. I don't like it. all right wait hey i didn't know what the topic was all right that's going to wade there bob good topic on the henna wait you didn't bring that up that was kind of an equal contribution topic really it was your turn i'm gonna change the alarm it's too abrasive i want cheery that's awful i think we're starting a children's cartoon That's a bit better Okay everybody ready?

25:49Whose topic is it? Wait it's your topic go Oh there's a motorist in North Carolina who told 9-1-1 They had a bald eagle drop a cat Through their windshield That's kind of a crazy experience wouldn't it be? I question how you could know that so specifically Obviously if something went through the windshield That's pretty concrete proof That something went through the windshield But they were watching and they were like Oh is that a bald eagle? Oh is he carrying a cat? Was he dropping the cat? Oh my windshield! What a great topic, Bob. Is it over? No! Yeah, did you hear the gong? No! You didn't hear the gong?

26:25No, I was so busy being caught up in Bob's description, I was just imagining it. That's exactly how it happened. Uh oh, I lost a contact blade. Hold on. You lost a cup? Oh, it's there. It's there. Be careful rubbing those eyes, dude. Yeah, I got sucked up into the void. Oh, if y 'all could experience the perfection that is my eyes. that I rubbed bacon grease into earlier. So good the grease made them even better. Is that your secret? I, uh, actually the secret is, okay, total sidebar, I'm not starting a timer for this. I always forget that eye drops are a thing. Like, I'll go through my whole day being like, Ah!

27:02God, if only, if only there was some way to cure this! Oh, man, let me rub it some more! God, it didn't work! Oh, woe is me! Like, every day, And then the other day I got something in my eye. I was at the, I think I was at the dog park actually. And dogs are running by and one splashed into the puddle because it had been raining here like crazy. And literally dog park pond water went, a drop went right in my eye. And I go like, oh, what could I do? Rubbing it doesn't help you. And then I go, I go and I'm like, oh yeah, I dropped. I need to flush this huge bottle of huge bottle of eye drops not even like contact solution like actual lubricating eye drops and it was great instantly it felt better I was like oh yeah oh they do they're wonderful I also don't use them dude eye drops feel so good I have some and I also forget they exist because I don't get that very but there's been there have been a couple times where I found the eye drops I was like looking for something else and I was just like Yeah, I could use a hit and you just like do some eye drops.

28:08Feels great. It really does. Your eyes feel so fresh. It's ridiculous. All right. Back to it. Whose turn? Bob's turn. Yes. Uh-huh. And go. Arachnid super web reveals the surprising constant party life of cohabitating spiders. There's this what's come to be known as the world's largest spider web is currently housing tens of thousands of spiders. in a cave along the Albanian and Greek border. Researchers published their findings recently of two different species of spider peacefully cohabitating in this giant terrifying sounding colony, which is nestled in a pitch black cave and it's also a sulfur rich environment.

28:53So probably it's just great in there. That must be really fun research. You lost me at spiders. I want nothing to do with a big story about spiders. Tens of thousands of spiders. Oh, wait, you were so close to getting in there. If only your commentary was just a little longer. I bet you wish you had. Anyway, that was horrible. I would love to know more about this. Actually, I would love to know less about that. I don't want to know about any super web that's on the Greek and whatever border. I'm definitely not going to go caving, and I'm definitely not going to go caving in that area. It would be a very oddly specific place to go caving.

29:33I'm stealing. This is fantastic. I'm stealing a turn here, but it'll still apply. Whoever is talking last gets a point here. There's a VR game that I want to play and also don't want to play. That is a caving simulator. I'm talking full on in the butthole of the earth like this. I'm not terribly claustrophobic, but just watching clips of that game makes me a little claustrophobic. I couldn't do it. I could not do it. You got to get like a mixed reality setup for that, though. You got to build like a pillow fort. So when you do try to like lift your head, there's like stuff and you're like, ah, yeah.

30:08And all right. No, I disagree. Don't do it. What's cool is the cave levels is the levels where people died in the levels, the caves, the caves where people died in. Oh, sick. Wow. Are there ghosts in there? So you can see if you're beating the losers who died. Oh, man. If I was a game developer, that'd be so phasmophobia in the nutty putty cave. Oh, can you imagine? I got an EMF5 and I'm stuck. Yay. It was me. Oh, well. And Bob got it. Unbelievable. I'm good at this game. He's really good. Phasmo Cave. All right. Good job. All right, Wade. It's finally your turn. This is your time to shine or something.

30:48All right. Breaking news. Bob and Wade, both use same website to find stories to share with Mark during this episode. because I've seen the same headlines he's looking at. Don't break the illusion. Oh, shush. Don't break the illusion. Oh, we are so uncreative in our searching that we both found an episode. Oh, this one sounds like it'll have what we're looking for. And so far, it has. Is that your topic? Yeah, that was it. I just wanted to share that I saw. I unfortunately came across your spiders. I will get away from that. You can have that website. That's all you, buddy. Oh, we pretty thoroughly drained it.

31:25You can milk some more out of there. Yeah, I hope you can milk some more because this timer's got a lot of time left on it. Uh-oh. Uh, well, man, we've talked about such great things. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blee, blee, blee. You don't remember what we talked about or? Well, I don't remember what we've talked about so far today. I see the Elvis judge. Uh-huh. He doesn't look like Elvis in the photo they chose, I gotta say. He looks more like Bill Nye and Bill Gates had a baby. That would be a nerdy-ass baby. And also scientifically fascinating. And Bob's got it! I spoke for 90 % of that time. You really just gotta feel the timer and get yourself in there, you know?

32:03All I remember from that is Bill Nye, baby. That's the important part. All right. Okay. All right. This is going just about as good as the last time. And I actually realized on the subreddit someone made a full transcript of that episode. I'm not sure why. Oh, dang. We have transcripts? No. This one does, though. Oh, okay. Man, I said Bob got it a lot Well, it's been true It's the nature of how I talk I really just sneak him in there Oh man, alright, okay Well Bob, time for you to meet your comeuppance We've got time for just a few more Ready? Yes The organizer of the Miss Universe pageant Has told Sky News that he cannot Stand down from his position Despite allegations that he called Miss Mexico a dumb head.

32:58I was expecting something incredibly racist or a dumb head. Apparently, the contestants are obligated and or expected to post promotional content about the country that's hosting the pageant, and it was in Thailand. So they were all supposed to post on their social medias about something about Thailand. I'm sure they gave them pictures or had them go on a trip or whatever. She was supposed to post something, which she did not do for whatever reason. And apparently in front of all of the contestants or a large group of them, he was this guy was standing at the front with a microphone and she claims he called her a dumb head.