In short
A compilation episode centered on being bald—debating hair loss, “bald” as social harassment, and possible treatments—plus games/banter about baldness.
Guests
No named guests appear; the episode is a host roundtable featuring Wade and Bob (and references to Molly).
Key claims
Baldness can be caused or worsened by microplastics (speculated). A “sugar gel” topical treatment regrew fur in mice and worked as well as minoxidil in that study (no human trials mentioned). A Scottish high court ruled calling a man “bald” can be sexual harassment. Turkey is promoted for hair transplants.
Notable examples
The “British Bung” electrician Tony Finn case; the mice sugar-gel regrowth study; horror photos of hair-transplant planes; social media responses saying “bald.”
Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.
Chapters
Tap a time to open that second in VOBaldness and Hair Loss
1:48 to 4:10
Discussion on personal experiences with hair loss and the cultural perceptions of baldness.
“I have a very tall, very tall forehead, very flat sides of my head.”
Baldness Genetics and Microplastics
4:10 to 7:10
Exploration of how genetics influence baldness and the humorous link to microplastics.
“If all your hair doesn't fall out in the next five seconds, I don't think that point should count.”
Sugar Gel and Hair Growth Research
7:10 to 10:50
Discussion around a study on sugar gel's effects on hair regrowth in mice.
“I mean, my tits definitely ain't really more.”
Hair Transplants and Turkey
10:50 to 13:00
Conversation about hair transplant procedures and experiences related to them.
“I don't know exactly what route to take.”
Cereal and Uber
14:11 to 14:38
A humorous exchange about personal hunger and the introduction of a sponsor.
“You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most?”
Baldness and Twitter Ads
14:38 to 16:34
The hosts discuss the unexpected Twitter ads they receive, particularly related to baldness and crypto scams.
“I think people tweeting the word bald at me has made it to where I only get hair loss ads.”
Car Ads and Haircuts
16:34 to 18:05
The group shares their thoughts on car ads and personal experiences with haircuts.
“Yeah I mean I'm imagining it'd be like a whole day or something.”
Bald Confidential Terms
18:05 to 18:19
Discussion about a new podcast game idea involving bald-related terms.
“Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years.”
Baldness and Legal Insights
18:19 to 21:34
An exploration of a court ruling on baldness being considered sexual harassment.
“But they don't know that saying them gives them points.”
Cultural Perspectives on Baldness
21:34 to 22:41
Humorous takes on cultural perceptions of baldness and personal anecdotes.
“Because you said this has to be a joke when you started reading it, and I was thinking it.”
Show all 17 chapters
Midlife Crisis Greeting Cards
22:41 to 25:44
Creative ideas for greeting cards targeting midlife crises, featuring humorous concepts.
“I'm going to start calling you Harry instead.”
Self-Acceptance and Baldness
25:44 to 28:00
Discussion around self-acceptance of baldness and the societal pressures tied to it.
“I want a card that you send someone when they start having their midlife crisis.”
The Dark Side of Honesty
28:00 to 29:44
Exploring the implications of brutal honesty and self-image.
“It could happen at any moment, you know.”
The Baldness Debate
29:44 to 31:38
Discussion about the various hairlines and the concept of being bald.
“I don't think that's how we're doing that.”
Would You Rather: Hair vs. Bald
31:38 to 34:28
A hypothetical debate about having long hair or shaving bald every morning.
“You've better flip carefully, though, because mine was tails.”
The Reality of Being Bald
34:28 to 35:24
Personal reflections on the challenges and advantages of being bald.
“I think it would be interesting to live that life where you're such a distinctive person.”
Wade's Best Hair and Bald Bragging
35:24 to 36:14
Wade humorously claims his title in both hair and bald categories.
“I didn't think so either until I did it.”
Transcript
Automatic transcript. May contain errors.0:00For decades, a shadowy organization called the Lemonati has kept lemon on top and lime in the shadows. Look around, lemon forward sodas, even lemon forward songs. We ran the tracks, slowed them down, reversed them and squeezed out the truth.
0:19That's lemon propaganda right there. But now 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Join the 7up rising. Flip the sip.
0:31Ethan Nestor:Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every room looks and feels. At Blinds.com, we've spent 30 years making it surprisingly simple to get exactly what your home needs. We've covered over 25 million windows and have 50 ,000 five-star reviews to prove we deliver. Whether you DIY it or want a pro to handle everything from measure to install, we have you covered.
1:10Real design professionals, free samples, zero pressure. Right now, get up to 45 % off with minimum purchase, plus get a free professional measure at blinds.com. Rules and restrictions apply.
1:20Ethan Nestor:This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard, whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp, that means more than words, right? So have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express. Slap head cue ball Hairline malign Follically challenged And bony ball aligned Ha ha ha ha ha It's time for Best of Bored I miss your hair
2:06Mark Fischbach:I don't actually Okay that's fair I miss not having all the gray hair But like I wish I had shaved my head earlier in life I wish I had just bitten the bullet and tried it Because man I like being bald
2:18Ethan Nestor:I will not I'm not looking forward to. I'm very likely to bald at some point. I am not looking forward to it. I have a terrible head shape for that. I have a very tall, very tall forehead, very flat sides of my head. I'm going to look like a goddamn Easter Island statue when I have to shave my head at some point here.
2:34Mark Fischbach:Well, I seriously considered like doing like a wig of some kind, like trying to get a wig that looked like my old hair and like getting one of those because I didn't know what I would look like. I think if you're actually worried about like that's a legit route to go is like try to get a wig made that looks like your hair the way it currently is and then not to worry about it i don't know why it feels like there's almost like get head surgery come on just change your head shape oh i thought you meant like i thought you meant like hair hair replace i was like there is follicle no the problem wasn't the hair the problem was the head shape you gotta listen
3:02Ethan Nestor:you gotta listen so what cut my skull off squish my brain into a new better head shape yeah just
3:08Mark Fischbach:shave it all down squish it in there can you imagine if they had skull replacement surgery where they just like literally just took your eyes, put them into a new skull and all that? That'd be awful.
3:17Ethan Nestor:They don't have to take your eyes out. They just cut it off right here and just let your eyes sit in the bottom half while they put the new top half on. Oh, what if you want a new bottom half too? What's that Tom Cruise movie? That's some... Face-off. Minority Report? Yeah, that's a Minority Report. Cut off the eyes, replace the eyes. You go to a sketchy apartment and a guy sneezes in your open brain while he puts a new skull on top of you for you so you look different. The sneeze is good for you. Build your immune system. There are so many antibiotics or something. It's fine. Lasers. Just calm down.
3:49Also, you shouldn't be awake for this. Go to sleep. What are you doing awake noticing my sneezes?
3:54Mark Fischbach:Well, I'm glad we got this into the I missed that. I think I do miss that head reconstruction. My hair, I don't miss. I'm glad you miss it. I don't miss it. That's good. That's good.
4:04Ethan Nestor:I am choosing to lose all my hair. I believe that having hair is against God. Huh? Huh? You get a bald point? Alright! Never thought I'd get a bald point. Not until I went bald, anyway. If all your hair doesn't fall out in the next five seconds, I don't think that point should count. Editors!
4:26Mark Fischbach:No one ever will tell us apart now. One time I posted a tweet and I was like, Hey, hope you're all well. And you know what the first response was? Bald.
4:34Ethan Nestor:That is not the only time that has happened to you.
4:37Mark Fischbach:And since then, I have declared war on social media.
4:40Ethan Nestor:Because I wasn't even bald back then! Well, you talked about it. You haven't talked about that for a long time, since way before you were. Yeah, but back then it hurt my feelings.
4:49Mark Fischbach:How are you not sure that your baldness wasn't caused by microplastics? Because I paid someone to shave it and I watched.
4:56Ethan Nestor:What if your hair follicles are clogged by microplastics? What if you just need to wash better? What if you're not bald? What if you're just evolving?
5:04Mark Fischbach:When did you say the start of the microplastics or our plastic age was, Bob?
5:08Ethan Nestor:Uh, I mean, the back half of the 20th century is kind of like the plastic. Plastics came about in the, like, 60s, 50s, 60s.
5:15Mark Fischbach:Okay, well, I've got some old family photos from probably, like, before that, I don't remember, like, great-great-grandpa was also bald?
5:23Ethan Nestor:Oh, sure, before that, yeah.
5:25Mark Fischbach:Well, I don't think he was young in, like...
5:28Ethan Nestor:But he lived in the lead and uranium age, so maybe that's unrelated, but unrelated.
5:33Mark Fischbach:That was lead hair loss. And actually, you know what? Microplastics causing baldness, I think, supports my side. So yeah, you know what? It probably did. Oh my God. Okay, so you're saying baldness is a bad thing. It is for some. Have you seen some people's head shapes? Not everyone is defollically gifted like me.
5:50Ethan Nestor:I have like a crease and I have a big mole on the top of my head. I would look and it's dead center on my head. So it's not like a spot. It would be like a little target on the top middle of my head. I would look not great with a shaved head, and I'm definitely afraid that that's the direction I'm headed, because my mom's stepfather was a bald man, and maybe that might be my future.
6:12Mark Fischbach:You just grow it down here, and it distracts people from what's going on up there.
6:14Ethan Nestor:I can't! Do I get to grow a better beard if I go bald? Does it migrate? Because I can't grow a beard for shit right now. I mean, mine started around that time, but maybe not everybody. I haven't shaved in like four or five days. You can't even really tell. No hair grows here at all. No, I grow like a terrible little shitty mustache. That's because of microplastics, maybe, probably. Probably. It's almost definitely because... No, I mean... Ooh, that was an incredible chess move. You just got Bob to admit that maybe microplastics might be bad. That's double points for Wade. Woo! Microplastics would never harm me.
6:46Ethan Nestor:It's probably Wade's fault that nothing grows on my face. Why is it Wade's fault? Because his head is setting a terrible example. Well, you're moving back to Ohio. You're going to be nearer to the source, the plague bearer of microplastics. Yeah, well, if I'm bald in a year, we'll all know that it's Wade.
7:03Mark Fischbach:We know with the amount of processed food I eat, I'm probably 90 % microplastic at this point. Yeah, that probably actually is probably true. I mean, my tits definitely ain't really more. They're pure plastic. Microplastic.
7:14Ethan Nestor:I feel like that's points for microplastics right there.
7:17Mark Fischbach:Yeah, that sounds like points for microplastics. You think they look good? Thanks, man.
7:21Ethan Nestor:You're going to credit those fabulous bazoinkers. I'm willing to give up those points. It means I look good. As you are now is exactly what you were then is what we're discovering. No, no, no.
7:31Mark Fischbach:I'm bald now. Are you sure you weren't bald then? You've always been bald. This is like my sixth sense moment. Some bald people don't know they're bald. I'm looking in the mirror and their hair just disappears. Funny you mentioned that because I've got some small talk news that's bigger than me. Like 6 '5"? July 25th, Carly Casella wrote a nice article in Health called Surprise Hair Loss Breakthroughs. Sugar gel triggers robust regrowth. Oh, apparently there was some kind of study going on where they were doing something with mice, which is pretty typical. And they put this sugar gel on mice. I don't even think it was supposed to be for hair loss.
8:10Mark Fischbach:It was supposed to be for something else. But they noticed that when they use the sugar gel on the mice, they were like their fur started growing back better and thicker than previous things had. And they were like, huh? Wait, is it mice with like a little bulb patch on the top of their head? how how are these mice balding i don't know what they had done but i think they whatever they were doing to the mice before they didn't expect the fur to grow back i think what were they doing that needed sugar is this just sugar in gel form you say sugar gel yeah what is this gummy bears or what is this deoxyribose gel oh done dna doesn't sound like sugar uh but researchers have found it worked just as well as minoxidil, which is a topical treatment for hair loss, commonly known by the brand name Rogaine.
8:58Mark Fischbach:Wait, so it's not better? Dude, I read the article five days ago. How's that a breakthrough if it's not
9:04Ethan Nestor:better than the current treatment? Same but different is still a breakthrough, Mark. Okay, come on.
9:10Mark Fischbach:I think that they found that this was working and now they're going to like, it was by complete accident. That wasn't what that was intended to do. And now they're like, huh, that's crazy. We should investigate this further. I think we're at that step where we don't quite know yet. We got to experiment. We just got to put random things on your head. Let's start with tapioca. We'll move to elk's blood and then we'll try lava for like a quick second just to see, you know, it might work. Dude, imagine if lava works. We won't know until science. Nice icy hot lava and then absolute zero ice. Yes. You have some?
Read the full transcript
9:42Mark Fischbach:Doesn't everyone? Absolute zero calories in my absolute zero ice.
9:46Ethan Nestor:It sounds like you should get some sugar gel. Are you gonna are you saying you're gonna try this or i mean i'm gonna wait till they do a little bit more research on it but the thing about this is unless it's something more than it sounds like it is it doesn't sound like it can hurt you what's sugar what's sugar gel gonna do that's bad make you sticky yeah exactly was it gonna give your head diabetes probably not diabetes is in the feet we all know i got skinabetes it's just diabetes up my head skin from all the sugar gel well anyway Wade, that's a great breakthrough. Hey, it's very important. You could do what almost every influencer who's balding does and fly to Turkey.
10:28Apparently that's the, that's the thing. And there's a horrific picture of like a tryptophobia picture of a plane full of people who just had it. Oh no. I don't know if you've ever seen pictures of who had just got like the hair transplant surgery. It's horrifying to look at. And then it's a picture, it's a picture in a plane from seeing all these heads from behind and they're just it's just everyone has just is this the
10:53Ethan Nestor:follicle replacement or like the strip it's the follicle implants isn't it you know what it reminds me of there's that one doll head in sid's room in toy story where it has it has the hair like that it always reminds me that yeah no i get it i definitely get that if i i might be starting to fit out the front here a little bit and so i don't know what's gonna happen baldness does kind of run in some of my family. Me too. I don't know. I don't think I can do shaved head. I don't know exactly what route to take. I might just have to wear hats 24 seven. I'm not entirely sure. I guess I should start putting sugar in my hair and not in my mouth.
11:29Ethan Nestor:That'll treat both my diseases. You just got to go to Turkey. I don't know what happens at the Turkey International Airport, but you step off that plane, 10 men jump out with dark cloaks and razors. you'll be it's not at a hospital it's just you go it's like one of those 10 minute hotel nap
11:47Mark Fischbach:hotels at the airport but it's a hair transplant i have a hair person who shaves my head who swears by going to turkey for different things is this serious yeah yeah actually what is the benefit of having her shave your head i have really thick hair in the back and there are times where i just flat out don't have time to do it because it actually takes a very long time to get my head as smooth as I'd like to get it. So days like before I'm about to travel, because we're doing like a family photo in Minnesota, it's like, didn't have a lot of time today. So rather than me spending two hours and like, then Molly be like, you left the spot.
12:21Mark Fischbach:You left the spot. Like, damn it. I just go there and have them do it because it's quick. He's got a bald guru. She also apparently is just like, has all kinds of relationships. Listen, I could talk about that lady for a while. She's so fast. She's the most fascinating person I've met. Is she from Turkey? Why? How does she have so many Turkey connections? No, I think she's from Russia, actually.
12:38Ethan Nestor:That's closer to Turkey than we are, probably.
12:41Mark Fischbach:Yeah, she's got a love web, and she loves to go into what's going on in her love life when we talk, and it's always so fascinating. But that's neither here nor there, but she's big on telling people to go to Turkey. Because when Rye came in and she thought I was 10 years older than I am, she was like, have you thought about going to Turkey and having them do something? So you don't look so old. That's the thing, yeah. I could. She's very blunt. Very blunt. But I found something in the article about the mice. They were studying how sugars heal the wounds of mice when applied topically. So the mice had like lesions or wounds that like no longer had hair growing on them.
13:16Mark Fischbach:And they put this on there to help heal the wounds. And they were surprised whenever it was also growing fur back.
13:21Ethan Nestor:No, yeah, sugar is good for wounds because it's hydroscopic. Sugar really sucks the juice, you know?
13:27Mark Fischbach:So they haven't actually, as of the time of me reading this article, this doesn't mention them doing any human studies on it. But they were done it with mice. They're like, wow, that's actually pretty effective. Molly sent me that and I was reading and I was like, that's kind of fascinating.
13:38Ethan Nestor:Molly's sending not very subtle hints. Hey, look at this new treatment breakthrough for baldness.
13:44Mark Fischbach:Every now and then I wonder, I'm like, do you really like to be bald?
13:48Ethan Nestor:Yeah, yeah, it's great.
13:50Mark Fischbach:I'm like falling asleep. She likes to browse right when she goes to sleep. It's like, what are you browsing over there?
13:54Ethan Nestor:You wake up and she's standing over you with a big vat of sugar gel. Just like, no, sorry, sorry.
14:01Mark Fischbach:Are you hungry? It's cereal. Where's my head? Anyway, that's all I got.
14:08Mark Fischbach:This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah. We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what. I think that might be them knocking on the door. Because Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. Dude, them or the FBI? I'm not 100 % sure. Yep. When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up. Or there's a will, we're on our way. Uber, on our way. Download the app today. I think people tweeting the word bald at me has made it to where I only get hair loss ads.
14:45Mark Fischbach:I think the fact that I look at Twitter and it's just like, wow, Wade is bald. Bald. Bald, bald. It's like, then everything's like, oh, he keeps looking at these bald messages. Maybe he needs some hair.
14:55Ethan Nestor:Well, what do people tweet at me then? Crypto scam? Do you get nothing but crypto scam? I get so many crypto scams, guys. Half of my entire Twitter everything when I go on that app is just some crypto scam or web 3.0 NFT, whatever bullshit scam thing. And it's like, neat. I'll be sure to click on that. Oh, yeah. I got some travel ad, a car ad. I don't like car ads. I love cars. Actually, a lot of car ads.
15:25Mark Fischbach:Wait, no. Why? Let me know if you find a good one. Someone is still looking in this group. I thought you had one. ordered. Well, we've got one on weight, but that's more for Molly. I still need one. Ah, can't you just get a Corvette then or something? If Molly's getting a big people mover, I could just leave and go probably buy a car. But like, I want to figure out which one I want. You know what you should buy?
15:47Ethan Nestor:I was trying to think of something funny, but there are no bald cars.
15:51Mark Fischbach:Wait, are there hairy cars?
15:53Ethan Nestor:I don't know. I was trying to figure out if there was That's nothing.
15:56Mark Fischbach:What movie was the shagging wagon where it was like a dog? Is it called the shagging wagon?
16:01Ethan Nestor:Are you talking about the dog truck that they drive in Dumb and Dumber? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hair, fast or slow?
16:08Mark Fischbach:Slow. I like being bald. The less I got to shave, the better.
16:13Ethan Nestor:He's right. You're both right. And this is a weird one, but I like getting haircuts. And the idea of like a nice, like long, relaxing haircut sounds kind of nice. Like it'd be, it'd be like a spa day. I'm imagining almost. kind of on board with that i just don't like getting haircuts because for some well it's my own fault because i don't go to the same person so every time it's a real gamble no i do that too and it is a real gamble but i like the reward of when you go and you you get a good person and you're like oh man this is the best because a bad haircut it's fine but it's not it's whatever not that bad but a good hair it's surprisingly good haircut how long would a haircut taken slow
16:51Mark Fischbach:I guess it wouldn't matter if you only do it once every however long.
16:55Ethan Nestor:Yeah I mean I'm imagining it'd be like a whole day or something. You have to be kind of because I don't know what's a hair how long do you think a haircut is?
17:01Mark Fischbach:Okay to be bald man I gotta I gotta shave a little bit more frequently than most people so it's like it takes we'll say an hour every week or two unless you keep up with a daily because daily you can kind of get one of those things just go over it a little bit maintaining bald is harder than maintaining hair as far as like the shaving you gotta do a lot more frequently. Anyway we all agreed So I think one of the best distractible topics would be uh-huh bald man's confidential terms ooh where the bald guy has confidential terms that you guys have to figure out it's like a bald confessional yes sure uh you know I got an idea for later The Lemonati has spent decades keeping lemon on top and lime in the shadows.
17:56Their lemon agenda has infiltrated everything, even our music. That hit song named after the color of lemons? Not a coincidence. Big Lemon has been pulling strings in the industry for years. Think about it. But now, 7up is fighting back with their new lime lemon soda. Now lime comes first. 7up. Flip the sip.
18:23all right continue what's a bald so it's not a bald confessional it's bald confidential terms
18:30Mark Fischbach:yeah yeah yeah so basically i would i mean a bald host any bald host of us uh would come up with a a catalog of different terms and terminologies sentences and assign points if one of you other, one of us other hosts were to say those things. Wow. But they don't know that saying them gives them points. They just have to be confused as to why they're getting points. That's incredible. I didn't even give Bob a chance to come up with the title of his future episode that I'm going to do. So I'm going to award you the points and the points for the title because you just clearly swept and deserved it all.
19:09He told me to go first and I went for it. I appreciate that and I appreciate you. You got big points coming your way. Oh, Oh, there's a - here's one to you, Wade. This is, um, this is a very topical thing to you. Uh, High Court, I don't know which court, but it seems like Scotland. High Court rules calling a man bald is sexual harassment. Is what Wade does it.
19:31Mark Fischbach:I have so many lawsuits coming toward you, viewers and listeners. In the Scotland, yes. Uh, just so happens I might have land in Scotland. Ah, maybe. Are you a lord? I've got a one foot by one foot land square that makes me a lord. It might not be Scotland, but I think it is. It was a birthday gift. This got me fake. It follows a lengthy legal case brought by electrician Tony Finn, who claimed he had been sexually harassed by his boss during a heated row in 2019. Mr. Finn, 64, made the claim against the British Bung Company, where he worked as an electrician for 24 years before he was fired in 2021.
20:13Yes, the British bung. Yes, that British bung company.
20:18Mark Fischbach:Oh, okay. I remember watching the British bung off. Yeah. He said he was a victim of sexual harassment after comments were made about his baldness, including being called a stupid bald C. Censor, censor, censor. That could be cock. It could be cunt. It could be crap. Fill in the blanks.
20:38Ethan Nestor:Cream, but spelled wrong. Sizzler, but spelled really wrong. Crisp with no I. Crank with no N Cock? A cart? Jolly Youngfellow
20:52Mark Fischbach:Canned? Dot E Canned? C-A-N-D You got it Carp? Carp Oh you bald carp You stupid bald carp The three person employment tribunal panel The highest court in Scotland apparently Said the remark quote crossed a line It dismissed an argument that the comment was not sexist because women can be bald, too. The judgment said there was a connection between the word bald and the protected characteristic of sex, noting that it is, quote, much more prevalent in men than women. Judge Jonathan Brain added, we find it inherently related to sex. So this sounded like it's not a joke. It's not a joke at all. Why would you think it was a joke?
21:36Because you said this has to be a joke when you started reading it, and I was thinking it. That's true. you did. No, no, I said it had to be fake. I couldn't believe it because I was aghast. I was aghast. I was aghast. I was like, I can't believe this is the world we live in. Aghast.
21:49Mark Fischbach:I can't tell you the number of times I've walked by like a Scottish construction site and just heard them like whistle and go, bald! The bald calling? I'm glad it's coming to an end. In a perfect American accent, they're bald! Bald! Bald! Hey, laddie! Bald!
22:07Ethan Nestor:It's disgusting. for some reason because they're on a construction site it's just like a like a new york accent in scotland he's like oh i can't even do it hey you're bald in here look at this guy
22:20Mark Fischbach:hey baldy anyway that's it great article man that was a good find i'm glad that um glad that my kind is finally getting the recognition and treatment we deserve it's only fair does that
22:31Ethan Nestor:mean we have to stop saying that to you do you want would you like us to make fun of you in different ways.
22:36Mark Fischbach:I've just always considered it flirting and you guys are welcome to continue. Okay. I'm kinky and I like it. I'm going to start calling you Harry instead. That is offensive and I'm going to take you to the highest court of Ohio. The Ohio Labor Tribunal? No. Yeah. I love a tribunal. We got an inherent tribunal thing going on here and I think that's the reason why we're so successful. There's always three. Is that why it's called a tribunal? Never mind.
23:03Mark Fischbach:I see now. I understand what the name You don't see a lot of bi-bunals. You don't. Bob-unal? No. Mub-unal, if you're being formal. Mub-unal? What are we doing, small talk?
23:17The words are... Tooth. Fairy. Hairy. Wade. Bald. Water. Wade, your word is tooth. Ake. Dentist. Mouth.
23:30Ethan Nestor:Saliva.
23:32Mark Fischbach:Drink.
23:32Ethan Nestor:Water. Rinse.
23:34Mark Fischbach:Rinse. Repeat.
23:35Ethan Nestor:brush hair gum chewy granola bar hippie peace love happiness happiness but spelled wrong like in the will smith movie slap what anger jack nicholson what jack nicholson oh i thought you said testicles all right okay no jack nicholson tiger woods crash into me all right we'll end it there all right bob you got two yeah what what about me wade you got none bob you might have gotten one and a half but i'm willing to give you i swear to god if
24:15Mark Fischbach:one of them is happiness but spelled different you're so upset no that's not what it is so my my train of thought went from tooth fairy hairy and bob you said hair so i would be like i'd give that half a point, or a full point, depending on what things fare. Wade, that was my next word, bald water, which you said. What? Bald water? I'll give you a bonus point if you can explain how I got to water. I think of the drowned man a lot when I think of Wade. A is the second letter in both. And whenever you see my head, it makes you kind of get all salivating and drooly and wet. and it makes it like water.
24:56Ethan Nestor:I know why you said water. You said bald, but you were actually still hung up on Wade and you were like, what else goes with Wade? You Wade and water. That's, there's no way that's what you have written down. You're so close, but so wrong. All right, so neither of you get it. Well, what did you write down? What does it say? The last three words were Wade, bald and water. And then I think of the drowned man a lot when I think of Wade. Wade, you were in it. Water. Your whole house was flooded forever.
25:27Mark Fischbach:You know, I'm glad the things I try to block out from memory are the things you associate with me. We made a documentary.
25:33Ethan Nestor:I lived it. I have a t-shirt with that on it. Exactly. We sold a t-shirt to help pay for your walls.
25:40Mark Fischbach:I have the shirt too, which is kind of productive to helping me.
25:44Ethan Nestor:I want a card that you send someone when they start having their midlife crisis. This is like a congratulations on your midlife crisis greeting card or something. It can be anything. We live in a world where I can take any picture I want or I can buy stock photography and get things printed. So the world is your oyster. Got it. Mark. On the front, right? Uh-huh. It's not so bald. You open it up. Packet of hair stapled inside. Like, you can have it as a keepsake. So it's like, and it can pop out at you too. Be like, here. It's on like a spring you open it and the hair is just like boing boing Exactly yeah yeah yeah and then it's got a sound bite in there But it's that guy from Spongebob going My eyes!
26:29My eyes!
26:32Mark Fischbach:You don't even have to go bald in a midlife crisis You can just be bald
26:35Ethan Nestor:The crisis is not because of the bald But that is I feel like a lot of people will like get hair transplants Because they're having a midlife crisis And they're like I can't be bald I can't stay like this. I don't think you have to do that. I think some people look really good with a fully shaved head. Yeah.
26:54Mark Fischbach:So I had a different idea.
26:55Ethan Nestor:Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
26:57Mark Fischbach:So you remember like the old Captain America, so you're having a midlife crisis. Sure. So it doesn't have Captain America, but it says, so you're having a midlife crisis. And it shows like, I don't know, a middle-aged guy, maybe full head of hair, but graying or bald. and then like I don't know like a strapping model in the front seat of like a Corvette convertible going down like a nice gold paved road and then you open it up and the Corvettes crashed it on fire and there's bodies on the ground it just says expectations versus reality you're going to die is that a threat or it just says expectations versus reality it just has
27:41Ethan Nestor:That gives a threatening aura to me. Yeah, don't go through it. Don't do it. Don't get the hair transplants or... Maybe. I see what you're going for. Little ominous, little threatening. You could kind of read that as opening. It's like it's already over. You know, you might as well accept that, you know, the inevitability of your demise. It could happen at any moment, you know. So why even try? That's really dark. Why is it so dark? There's that guy that thinks that being brutally honest is the equivalent of being interesting. You know we're like I'm better than anyone because I always tell my friends like it is hey you look like shit today Bob The fuck happened to your hair?
28:20Whoa, it's gone.
28:21Mark Fischbach:It's genetics
28:26Mark Fischbach:And I don't like that guy I do get that one guy at every stream who their comment is just Wade you're bald Every stream someone thinks that's like an original comment. There's one person that comes in that's all they say you don't understand they just had a surgery that gave them vision for the first time in nine years and they they just their their first instinct was to come to watch your stream because it's what they wanted to see and they just they're so flabbergasted you don't sound bald i swear i hear hairs swishing back and forth as he speaks must be his beautiful head of hair
29:00Ethan Nestor:you have the confidence of a much more healthily haired man it comes through in your voice i used
29:06Mark Fischbach:to watch Wade for years and years. I thought really highly of him until I found out he was, well, bald. Well, bald. Yep. Maybe he had hair before the event and it just like... How do you think we bald? I don't know. There's emergency balding. It's like a lizard's tail. When you gotta escape real fast, it just whoosh. I did used to keep a glass thing on the wall in case of emergency. You break the glass to bald. I don't have that anymore, but you are right. You know what? Points for remembering that.
29:33Ethan Nestor:Please end in a tie for Wade. Please end in a tie.
29:43Ethan Nestor:i mean it's is it between mark and i who's the baldest or is it it's supposed to be i have i'm receding you can see i have a little i have a little it's receding do we just re-spin this one look at this it's like if you pull it apart it's really bald if i go like this it looks like i'm just all the way bald i have really i have the vegeta hairline remember dude if you could come in here with your hair up like vegeta's my my hairline goes as far back as my ears are over here it's it's climbing if i wait if i lean back like this do you you have so much hair you can't
30:19Mark Fischbach:even do it i have a i have a large crown see if we're doing this i think bob has more forehead exposed what's the what's your thing mark mark you're all what is it mid face bob's all forehead I'm sorry
30:32Ethan Nestor:Wade's just trying to negotiate the point so that he doesn't do the one man show
30:36Mark Fischbach:so honestly right now the funny thing is right now you guys are tied so if either one of you get this point
30:43Ethan Nestor:yeah so you're just trying to make it so you don't get the point for baldest
30:47Mark Fischbach:no I can take the point I just said if it's between you two we should respin but if it lands on like listeners or viewers you want to take the point for baldest I'll take the point
30:54Ethan Nestor:nah nah you're the host
30:56Mark Fischbach:don't let me talk you into it I'm the baldest you know what fuck you I'm the baldest we will do the tithe spin that's unfair I'm the baldest
31:07Ethan Nestor:if I win I'm bald so wait so if Mark wins he's bald if Mark loses all heads Mark is bald all tails Bob is bald no well it would be doubly unfair which would mean Wade would get two points yeah I guess so yeah I guess
31:26Mark Fischbach:between me and him.
31:28Ethan Nestor:Wade has to do two one-man shows.
31:30Mark Fischbach:I don't think that's how we're doing that. Heads for Mark. Anything else doesn't really matter. Fell on the floor. Do I do that again?
31:40Ethan Nestor:Yeah, I would reflip. I would say that's a reflip for Mark. You've better flip carefully, though, because mine was tails. It landed tails on the floor. I'm not lying about that. That's what it did. It's pretty immaterial. I don't think it changes it either way, does it? That would give me two points. Is that enough to affect the outcome, Wade?
32:01Mark Fischbach:No.
32:06Sales.
32:07Mark Fischbach:All right. Well, you know what? At least I beat the listeners. Wade, you have a choice here. And I made this one specially for you. It's worth double points. Two whole big points. I think I'm down by eight. So this is where my comeback begins. Yeah. Okay. Would you rather have hair? Go on. That is so long it touches the ground and never be able to cut it again. So it will always be at least your height in length or shave yourself bald every morning.
32:44Ethan Nestor:Hard to imagine what it would even feel like to shave yourself bald every morning. Yeah, that's weird enough.
32:49Mark Fischbach:That sounds like a lot of effort. However, coming from the once having hair club, I know how annoying having hair can be and watching Molly like try to brush her hair, wash her hair and all that. Having hair that long and that much of it, if you want to dye that hair, if you want to like brush it, put it up into a certain number, like that is going to be so much more work than.
33:18Mark Fischbach:Keep me bald and happy, baby. I like that. I like that. He's picking shape bald every morning. You're going to look. I do agree, like, kind of in a way, having that long hair might be inconvenient, but also, you know, luscious locks. You could wear them in a certain style. But Bob, what's your answer?
33:34Ethan Nestor:I wish I actually did have hair that long because that's the kind of quality that when a person has it, it becomes their entire life and you don't have to do anything else. and we live in a world where if that was my if that was my curse i would make i would make that my personality i would make that my job i would be like an hair influencer or whatever like yeah it would be a lot of work but that would that would subsume everything about my life and i wouldn't have to have any other aspects to my personality that would just be who i was what i did all the time and i could get help with it you know a hairstylist hairdresser whatever I'm not saying that I know for sure what that would be like, but I would be okay having the hair and making that.
34:18Ethan Nestor:That would be a very defining characteristic. And I've always thought I'm a nondescript, non-interesting, average-looking, like, you know, dude. Like, I'm just some guy. I think it would be interesting to live that life where you're such a distinctive person. Because there are definitely people in the world where it's like, there's a thing. There's a thing about you that clearly defines how you look, who you are, and you clearly embrace that. I think that would be interesting. It might be difficult, but I would choose that.
34:44Mark Fischbach:You go to vacuum. The vacuum is clogged from one hair. A piece of hair gets into your food and you turn into a magician where you're like, oh.
34:52Ethan Nestor:I think you probably just stop swallowing initially. You don't need to swallow the whole length of the hair.
34:58Mark Fischbach:Sometimes it's like, you know, like if it gets caught up in like a pastry or something you make and you don't know it.
35:02Ethan Nestor:And like the very end, you're like. I think if it was that long and it was continuously going, I would probably notice that at some point and be like, oh, let me pull that out. Well, it can be wrapped up in like one little hairball that you... Well, then you just swallow
35:13Mark Fischbach:the hairball. I would just not eat the hairball. I feel like you would notice it, but... Point being, being bald is so much easier and I look fucking great.
35:22Ethan Nestor:I definitely agree that it's easier and you pull it off. I don't think I could pull off bald. I think I have a really ugly head. I didn't think so either until I did it. I have like a big I have like a mole thing that I can feel like a lump right here i got a couple like yeah i've got a bump somewhere i don't know where it
35:36Mark Fischbach:is i got a couple bumps on my head just hard to notice unless we're tall bob no one sees the top of our head unless we want them to it's easily concealed that's true absolutely i think i guess i wouldn't know uh but this one is also split 50 it's even closer of a margin than the other one because it's it's 338 to 333 this is people afraid of being bald and afraid what they look like bald And the winner of this point was 338 ,000 versus basically 34 ,000 is Wade shaving bald every morning. Just specifically me. Yes, you. Specifically. Would you want to have long hair or have Wade shave his head every morning?
36:19Ethan Nestor:Which one? You've been waiting for it and here it is, Wade. This is your reward point for being bald.
36:25Mark Fischbach:Uh-huh. Dude, I already won best hair like a couple weeks ago or whatever it was. So like, best hair, best bald, I'm the best me! All you other wades and other timelines, fuck yourself. I'm number one, baby. Put me on a boat. And I'm BOG!
36:46Mark Fischbach:I don't know why I did that.
36:52Watch new episodes on Spotify.
36:59Ethan Nestor:Brussels clean up nicely at Sweetgreen. Maple glazed, roasted, and edges perfectly caramelized. Sweetgreen's fall harvest is back on the menu, and the season's most overlooked little green vegetable is dressed to be devoured. You know what to do. Order on the Sweetgreen app. The right window treatments change everything. Your sleep, your privacy, the way every room looks and feels. At Blinds.com, we've spent 30 years making it surprisingly simple to get exactly what your home needs. We've covered over 25 million windows and have 50 ,000 five-star reviews to prove we deliver. Whether you DIY it or want a pro to handle everything from measure to install, we have you covered.
37:38Real design professionals. Free samples. Zero pressure. Right now, get up to 45 % off with minimum purchase. Plus, get a free professional measure at Blinds.com. rules and restrictions apply.
From the publisher
No freak flags are flying around these parts, cause this is the baldest compilation in the wilderness!
Order now at pandaexpress.com or a store near you.
Learn more at uber.com/onourway
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices